Scarecrow This Country

This programme contains strong language

Over there, we saw Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen once,

and once in the shop,

and once up Burleigh Hill, riding his bike, didn't we?

-And in the Co-op.

-Yeah.

Because I was walking in the Co-op and he was coming out and I said,

"After you," and he said, "No, after you."

He's so humble.

So humble, and I asked him, I said to him,

"When do we get to see you back on our screens,

"because it's a crying shame I don't get to see you as often?"

And he just shrugged.

He just shrugged like that.

Such a shame.

So, this is my cousin, Kurtan.

But not only is he my cousin,

he's my best mate as well, because he's the only person I can share a

box of Celebrations with.

Tell them why.

Because I love the Bounties, but I won't touch anything else.

She cannot stand Bounties but she'll eat the rest of them.

So, nothing goes to waste.

-So he'll literally just come round my house, won't you?

-Yeah.

And just hoover up all the Bounties.

That's what I do, yeah.

I like the underdog.

The thing is, I don't even like Bounties that much,

I just feel sorry for them because they're always left.

Yeah.

Well, I've known Kerry and Kurtan, on and off, for 12 years now.

I think they're great kids, really.

Give it!

Don't be a fucking dick.

I do think they sometimes resort to

a lot of effing and jeffing and

that's something we've been working on, actively, a lot,

especially over the last couple of years and I feel like

they've made great strides forward.

Last week,

I don't think they used the F word once.

We had the C word a couple of times but, I mean,

that really is an improvement on what had gone before.

Scarecrow Festival is the most important day of the year.

That's the beautiful thing about living in the village.

Everyone comes together on days like Scarecrow Festival and just forgets

their utter hatred of each other.

Everyone in the village makes their own scarecrow and they put them out

anywhere around the village.

Yeah, and basically, there's an independent adjudicator goes round

-and he judges them.

-No, does not.

-Yeah, he does.

It's a public voting system now, cos they changed the rules.

-No, it's not.

-Yes, they did.

-They didn't.

If you read the Gazette last week, you would know.

I spoke to the vicar myself as well.

Oh, I don't care, I find it sad.

Oh, having a picture of your winning scarecrow on the front of

the Gazette is sad, is it?

Didn't think so.

So anyway, it's a public voting system and you get

designated pitches.

So, my pitch is on the village green this year, which is one of the best

pitches and then you have little forms, so you go around and then

you can tick which one, which is your favourite and then you put it

in the box at the end of the day and the winner gets a

hot-air balloon ride for two.

And I ain't taking you on it.

I don't want to go on it, anyway.

I'm taking my nan.

He'll tell you that the Scarecrow Festival is all fun and games,

but it ain't for me.

For me, the Scarecrow Festival is just asking for trouble,

cos everyone who's anyone's going to be there and there are people

from my past that would love to see me slain.

I've got enemies everywhere.

I've got enemies in South Cerney, I've got enemies in North Cerney,

I've got enemies in Cerney Wick.

I've got enemies in Bourton-on-the-Water.

There's a tea rooms there and under the counter

they've got a panic button

and if I take one step inside, they can press that.

The police will be there in three minutes.

Isn't that right?

If I'm walking through the village,

people in cars actually slam their foot down on the accelerator,

because they want to get through the village as fast as they can

without getting into a confrontation with me.

Because if they stop off at traffic lights,

I'll just knock on their window and I go, "What you looking at, mate?"

What?

What?

What? Why?

For what?

I don't go to school any more.

Where the hell is he getting these vouchers from?

Cos they discontinued them, like, ten years ago.

How is that my fault?

I don't understand.

I cannot win.

This is just ridiculous.

I don't live here, this is Kerry's house.

I live with my nan, just round there.

Oh, shit, it's Slugs, look.

Oh, you're joking.

Oh, he WhatsApped me the other day

asking us to go laser quest with him and I...

-What did you say?

-Well, I clicked on it by accident, didn't I?

So he knows I've seen it.

Oh, sake!

The thing is, he'll just trap you for ages, he'll never leave.

I should feel sorry for him because he's got terminal cancer,

but he's so utterly annoying.

It's like, if you want to have a bucket list, that's fine,

but don't just drag us into it. Do you know what I mean?

It's all right, he's going the other way. He's going the other way.

Thank Christ for that.

So, it's about 15 quid a head.

That includes two sessions of laser quest and a minibus there and back,

but I am going to need the deposit now.

Oh, I just...

Hello?

Oh, your mum's shouting.

Just coming now.

-Yeah.

-But have a really...I hope you enjoy yourself.

-Cheers, mate.

Cheers though, mate. Thanks for thinking of us.

Yeah. See you later.

So, today's the day of the Scarecrow Festival and I've got a bad feeling.

Mark my words, something bad is going to happen to me today.

Da!

That's my dad, that is.

Dad!

You all right, Dad?

All right?

What have you been up to then?

Just taking the kids out.

Right.

Is it all right if I come over yours later?

Nah.

I ain't seen you in ages, Dad.

Yeah, yeah...but I've got to go, Kerr.

-All right.

-Come on, my kiddo.

-See you.

That's my dad.

That was my dad, that was.

-Did you see my dad, Kurtan?

-Yeah.

He's going to the festival as well.

What did he say?

He said, erm,

I can come over to his later, if I want.

Did he?

Yeah, but I think I might be busy tonight, so...

I might not go.

The Scarecrow Festival is just a bit of fun really.

It's a tradition that's been going since I was a boy and it's great

to see everyone in the village getting involved.

Hey! This man is an absolute legend, ain't you, Vicar?

And we're his favourite as well.

Yeah, you absolutely love us, don't you Vicar?

Yeah, he's smiling cos he knows it.

This guy here taught me how to control my temper.

Simmer down, you two.

Oi, tell them about when we got para in the park and you had to

-come pick us up.

-Yeah, I had to get my stomach pumped as well, didn't I?

That wasn't funny, that was very scary.

He loves Midsomer Murders, don't you, Vicar?

-Yeah, he loves it.

-He gets so mad if he misses one.

And if he doesn't record it on Sky planner, he goes mental, don't you?

I love Midsomer Murders.

He loves his golf as well.

-John Nettles is my favourite.

-Don't start him on golf.

What a laugh.

You're such a laugh.

Your Majesty!

That's where you get the scarecrow maps from.

The plant stall, over there.

Don't buy anything from there, cos they'll die in a week anyway.

That is the sign of a very lazy scarecrow maker

and I'll tell you why.

Cos he can't be bothered to form the hands, that's a pet hate of mine.

Technically, not a scarecrow, cos there's no hay on it.

Not a drop of hay in sight.

It's just a rag on a stick.

I mean, I get it, but it's not making me feel nothing.

Look at this.

This is a monstrosity.

I mean...I think...I know this is Len's as well.

He's a good scarecrow maker, but he's embarrassed himself this year

with that. I mean, I'm laughing, but for all the wrong reasons.

-All right, Len?

-All right?

-What do you reckon?

-Pretty good, yeah.

Take that grin off your face.

You're grinning. Don't grin.

I'm not grinning, Len.

I think it's great, mate, honestly.

-Good.

-I reckon I've got a chance this year.

OK.

You believe whatever you want to believe, that's fine.

Well, I do believe, all right?

Yeah. All right, whatever.

Len, I'm not going to get into a fight with you today, all right?

All right.

I'll tell you why I'm going to win this year.

Cos I've got the best scarecrow and I've got the best pitch in the

village, because my pitch is in the centre of the festival.

Nathan Daniels had that pitch last year and he won and, honestly,

his scarecrow was the biggest pile of shit I've ever seen.

It was meant to be Beetlejuice, yeah?

But, fuck me, did it look like Kerry.

Exterminate!

Excuse me, sorry.

What's going on?

Excuse me, this is my pitch.

Exterminate! Exterminate!

Yeah, very funny.

-Don't make me move it myself please, mate.

-Exterminate!

Mate,

can you just be serious?

This is my pitch, yeah.

You don't understand, Vicar.

He's on my pitch, yeah.

The pitch I booked three months ago with Mrs Wicks.

Well, there must be some kind of mix-up,

because according to this sheet,

your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.

-That's bullshit!

-Less of the effing and jeffing, please.

Sorry for swearing, but that is fucking bullshit.

Why would I choose Trowley Bottom Farm when a) no punters could be

bothered to walk all the way down there and b) it stinks of pig shit

cos it's on a fucking pig farm.

I'm sorry for swearing, but this is fucked up.

Kurtan, this is your last warning on the swearing.

I'm really sorry, but it's too late to change anything now.

Your pitch is on Trowley Bottom Farm.

No, absolutely not.

No way. There's no chance I am going to Trowley Bottom Farm.

That's the end of it. I ain't talking about it no more, Vicar.

How am I going to get any votes being down here?

It's baffling. I'm baffled by the entire situation, if I'm honest.

Badly organised by the vicar.

Major fuck-up.

Kurtan can get very competitive.

Like, we had to do this sponsored swim at school and he was just

obsessed with raising the most money for it,

so he actually stole our nan's bank card and withdrew 500 quid,

which meant that she couldn't get her teeth done.

Well?

-What?

-Did you tell people to come down?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

The thing is though, it's buzzing up there.

-It really is buzzing.

-All right, yeah.

-It's that Dalek though.

-Yeah.

-It is brilliant.

-It's just so...

-Yeah, he's brilliant.

-It's so funny, right. I had a picture taken with him.

-Yeah.

-If you take that and just scroll to the left.

-Great, yeah.

-Brilliant. Oh, that's a great one.

-Isn't it?

That's another good one. I love it.

I love them all. That one especially.

Brilliant!

What the actual fuck?

What the actual fuck?

You have fucking lost your head, mate.

You have lost your fucking head.

I swear to God, if my phone is smashed, you are paying for that.

Dickhead!

To be honest, when Kurtan gets like this he's a fucking psycho.

Levi? Who's is that?

-June's.

-Where is she?

Getting a cup of tea.

It doesn't matter what anyone tells you,

everyone's here for one reason and that's to win.

Sometimes you just got to throw someone else under the bus to save

yourself, especially if they're old and stupid, like June.

Roll up! Right, come on.

Guys, have you seen this?

Have you got your voting slip there?

-A voting slip?

-Voting slip. You can get them from the stall for £1.

Go back and get one from there and then come straight back here,

I'll tell you what to do, yeah? Quick!

Hello! Over here!

Vote for me!

Have you got your voting slips?

Yes, right. OK, so what you want to do, put the cross as Kurtan,

-that's my one there.

-Yeah.

Vote that one for the winner.

Yeah, that's it, hide behind the little Dalek.

You are a massive bell end.

Ow, don't fucking... Yeah?

When I get hold of you, I swear to God I will fucking deck you.

-SHE SIGHS

-Fuck's sake, Kurtan.

Every year he's like this.

Yes, I swore at David in the Dalek but listen,

it was only cos I saw him stealing money out of a charity bucket

that was going around. So I'm actually proud I swore at him.

That's a very serious allegation you're making.

-Yeah, I know.

-If you're not telling the truth,

you could be in serious trouble.

Yeah. I know.

But if you are telling me the truth,

we need to go to the police station immediately.

Do you understand?

Yeah.

Are you telling me the truth?

No.

Excuse me, Vicar.

-Everything OK, June?

-I went to get a cup of tea and I left my scarecrow

and when I got back it just...

I don't know where it's gone.

Well, it can't have gone far, I'm sure.

-Shall we have a look for it?

-It was over there. It's just gone.

Maybe it got moved, someone got confused about the pitch.

-Well, who would have moved it, Vicar?

-We'll have a look.

June stitched me up right royally but that just spurs

me on, mate, cos if they want to play dirty, that's fine by me.

I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, I'm telling you now.

-PHONE RINGS

-Can you hear that?

Ah!

Hello? Mum!

Why are you crying?

They've done what?

Sick bastard!

It's all right, Mum, calm down, yeah?

I'm on my way now, OK?

All right. Bye.

Someone's just been throwing plums at my house.

I'm going to kill them.

I can't believe it. I can't believe it.

-SHE GASPS

-All over this.

Plumming on here, plumming on that.

Plum on the sofa, look!

There's nothing left that hasn't been plummed.

Oh, my gosh.

I knew this would happen.

Can you see what it's like to be me now?

I've had a target on my back since the day I was born.

Right, that's your bag there

and the field's just down there on the right, OK?

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much, enjoy your free potatoes.

-All right, Len?

-Is this right?

Someone said something about free potatoes.

Yeah, you got your voting slip there?

-What?

-Voting slip.

-Oh.

Yes, yes, that one there.

Right, that's my name there.

All you've got to do, yeah, pop that in the box at the end of the day.

Here's your bag and you can help yourself to as many free potatoes.

-Yeah.

-Just down there on the right, big field in front of you, right?

All right.

Cheers, Len. But don't forget to put the slip in the box, yeah?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can trust you, Len, yeah?

Yes.

You all right, sir, happy?

Yeah. Nice little jacket potatoes for tonight for the wife.

Thank you very much, your vote is much appreciated.

So, Mr Jenkins says you were giving away bags and bags of potatoes.

No. That's a total exaggeration.

It was like five potatoes, not even that.

And he also said you sold one of his pigs for £200.

No.

Mr Phillips, right, gave me 200 quid for no reason.

-Right.

-Yeah? And the pig just followed him out the gate.

-And into his Land Rover?

-Yes.

Plumming someone's house is one of the most disrespectful things

you can do.

I'm going to get the lads together and sort this out cos I've got my

reputation to think about.

I'm so livid. I'm honestly absolutely raging.

I'm going to find out who done that and I'm going to kill them.

End of. No-one messes with Kerry.

-You know what I'm like, Big Mac, don't you?

-Yeah.

Kerry has a lot of mates that are in year seven and below because

she likes to think that she can control them and that they do what

she asks, which is a bit sad actually

and a bit weird, I think.

I think a lot of their parents are a bit worried about it.

Tell them what you found out, Levi.

-I found out who...

-Yeah, basically Levi found out who plummed my house.

-Tell them who it was, Levi.

-It was...

Yeah, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington who just moved into

the area and they found out about my reputation

and they want to challenge me.

So I'm telling you now, Levi,

tell them to meet me in the park at 3:00 and they can bring weapons if

they want, if they're too scared to fight fist to fist.

You lot know my repetition, don't you?

-ALL:

-Yeah.

You're... These lot are scared of me, aren't you?

Yeah.

I want you to apologise to Mr Jenkins now.

Sorry, Jenkins!

You're this close to not being in the competition at all.

Yeah, and you're this close to me dropping you right now, son.

-Right, that's it, you're disqualified.

-Him or me?

-Don't be smart with me, Kurtan.

-Just fuck off, Vicar.

Right, you're disqualified, that's the end of it. Come on, George.

Well done, Jenkins. Got what you wanted, did you?

I'm fine. Why would I not be fine?

It's just a dumb scarecrow festival.

Who cares? I just thought I'd spend every day for three months crafting

it. Even spent all my savings on getting orchard grass so I wouldn't

get hay mites, not that anyone cares.

I don't care.

I never even stood a chance cos the whole village was just waiting

to fuck me over.

You know what? Let's see who makes front page of the Gazette now,

shall we?

Guys, simmer down.

Simmer down. 'In this village,

'people respect me because I'm as hard as fuck.'

If five nasty thugs from Crillington want to rumble, I say bring it on.

Frampton!

Stop it now. Just cos your parents are divorcing,

don't take it out on everyone else.

Sorry, Vicar, is something the matter?

Er...there's been a bit of an incident and I couldn't...

Sorry, excuse me. June, have you seen Kurtan anywhere?

Ooh, not since lunchtime.

Is everything all right?

It's just, I spoke to Mrs Wicks

and he had booked that pitch that David had his Dalek on,

she jotted it on the back of a list.

Oh, dear.

I might just go and check and see if he's down on the farm.

-If you see him, will you send him my way?

-Mmm.

It's quarter past three now and they still ain't showed.

That's telling, innit? They're obviously bricking it.

I'm actually gutted for these kiddies cos they was expecting

a scrap today, weren't you?

That little kiddy over there, that little fella, you like a scrap,

don't you, mate?

And they're going to miss out on that cos someone's too scared

to show up but what can I do?

Kerry!

Fuck's sake, Slugs, I said I'm not going laser quest with you.

What you doing here?

I know who plummed your house.

Yeah, so do I, it was some nasty thugs from Crillington apparently.

No, it was Levi.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah, it was. Lucas Tanner filmed it, put it on Facebook.

Levi, why would you plum my house, you little maggot?

That's bang out of order.

Cos you said it'd make you look dangerous in front of the TV people.

Do you know how small your brain is?

That is the last time I ask you to do anything for me and that face

paint of a tiger, everybody's saying been behind your back how stupid it

looks as well.

Everyone.

Thanks, everyone, for a brilliant day.

It's been a really strong year this year and we've managed to raise

£342 for the William Weston Foundation, so really, well done.

Now, before I announce the winners,

I'd just like to say I've created another category this year for best

effort. I know how hard this person has worked and it's been a really

testing day for him but despite that,

his scarecrow was really excellent.

So I'd like to award Kurtan for best effort.

Well done, Kurtan.

Where is he? Has anyone seen Kurtan?

Is he here?

No sign of Kurtan?

Water!

Water!

CROWD SQUEALS

For goodness' sake, June, get some more water, now!

Has anyone called the fire brigade?

Good, thank you.

Len, do something.

Let someone else do it.

They're still going with them plums, Kerr.

-Oh, they'll get bored in a minute.

-Look at this.

Front-page, that's me.

What did the police say?

Basically got a caution and I've got to attend a fire-safety course at

the community college next week.

And I'm banned from making, handling and competing with any scarecrows.

Oh, shit, you all right, mate?

I don't give a fuck, Kerr.

Cos there's a vegetable show at the village hall next week

and I've got a runner bean that's the size of a scarf laid out

-on the floor.

-Yeah?

-And a lettuce that's literally

going to fuck this competition up the ass, hard and dry.

Pff!