Mandy This Country

This programme contains strong language.

-All right?

-You ain't going to believe this.

-What?

-Mr Perkins.

What about him?

He's dead.

He's dead?

Are you joking?

No.

Way!

-BOTH:

-Way!

Way!

# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!

# He's dead! He is dead!

# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead!

# He's dead! He is dead! #

Basically, Mr Perkins was our old woodwork teacher

and he was a massive prick.

-Yeah.

-He used to be just plain nasty, wasn't he, Kurts?

-Yeah.

-He always used to say, "Oh, Kerry and Kurtan,

-"you'll do..."

-"Nothing with your lives."

Which is a bit rich, to be honest, coming from him, who's now dead.

Yeah.

# He's dead, he's dead, he's dead, he's dead! #

I think it's disgusting, what yous is doing, celebrating a man's death.

Shut up, Len, you're boring.

Yeah, well, I think it's disgusting you not celebrating the man's death.

-Charming.

-Hogwarts is that way, Dumbledore.

Idiot man.

He used to call us...

Ren and Stimpy, didn't he?

Yeah. Tweedledum and Tweedledee.

Pinky and Perky.

Asterix and Obelix.

Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby.

The Neville brothers.

He used to say I looked like the puppet off the Dolmio advert.

It's just, I...I knew this day would come, but I just,

I actually can't believe it's here, do you know what I mean?

-All right, Mand?

-No, I'm not all right,

some little old blind man with a guide dog walked into a bin

outside my house.

Shit, is he all right?

He won't be when I've got my hands on him.

Poor Tyson was so scared, he's run up a tree and ate a bird's nest.

So I'm going to find him and break his legs for him.

See how he likes it.

You see him, you send him my way, yeah?

All right, you fucking psychopath.

Who's a psychopath?

Er...

The blind man.

Yeah, I know. Poor little baby birds

got their guts sucked out their arseholes cos of him.

Evil bastard.

Fucking weirdo.

Who's a weirdo?

Er...Kurtan.

Yeah, I know.

Come on, Tyson, you fucking prick.

How the fuck did she hear all that?

Erm...

She's like a fucking bat.

People are scared of Mandy, but I ain't.

Because we're both on the same level of hardness.

It's, like, Kane isn't scared of The Undertaker

because they're both Brothers of Destruction.

There's a kid crying over there.

Do you want me to...? I can tell him to shut the fuck up if you want?

She belongs in a nuthouse, mate.

She is fucking nuts.

A very bad egg.

I like Kerry. Her mum's...

Mum's a good fighter, her mum, down the pub and that.

If you was in trouble, you can always rely on her mum.

Kerry's all right. Kurtan's a...

He's a fucking moron.

SHE GASPS

Our old prom photo, yeah?

Ten minutes after that was taken,

Kurtan vommed all the way down his ivory tie.

-Yeah, only cos I kept spiking my own drinks.

-Yeah.

Oh, Kerr, our old detention cards from Mr Perkins.

"Kerry and Kurtan, lunchtime detention

"for making crass song in woodwork class."

Wait...I'll get it. KEYBOARD PLAYS TUNE

Five, six, seven.

# Mr Perkins is a prick

# Mr Perkins is a prick

# Mr Perkins is a prick

# Mr Perkins is a prick

# Mr Perkins is a prick

# Mr Perkins is a prick

# Mr Perkins is a prick

# All day long. #

-How is that crass?

-How is that crass?

Disruption, yeah, defiance, yeah, abusive language, fucking yeah.

Listen to this.

"Kerry and Kurtan, lunchtime detention

"for making Robert Robinson

"ask the teacher what rimming is."

Who's Rob Robinson?

You don't remember Robert Robinson?

No.

He was in our class in Year 6

for, like, two terms and he just vanished.

No-one ever heard of him again.

He had... Instead of a rucksack, yeah,

he had a suitcase on wheels.

And you started his nickname, which was Terminal Three.

You started that. That was brilliant.

You don't remember that?

Robert Robinson.

You don't remember?

Year 6 camping trip, he brought in an old army camp bed

and it had blood on it.

No.

We used to bog-wash him so much,

the bleach in the toilet actually turned his hair white.

-No.

-Oh, my God!

He had about three unruly deaf brothers, yeah?

And he used to get picked up after school in a dirty old Land Rover

-full of flailing arms.

-No.

You don't remember that?

-No.

-He used to write everything out in that calculator font

cos he thought it was really cool.

-No.

-We made him eat a fucking bark sandwich, for fuck's sake.

-No.

-You don't remember that?

-No.

-Nothing?

-Nothing.

Fuck.

Right, I'm going to get Slugs over, he was in our class, he'll remember.

-Please don't get Slugs over.

-Yes, I am!

-He'll never leave.

Me and Kurtan have known Slugs since school

and I've never met anyone who outstays their welcome

more than him.

Like, you'll say, "Sorry, Slugs,

"I can't stop and chat I've got to go and have my dinner."

And he'll go, "What we having?"

Robert Robinson, yeah?

He had a fat woman's arse and tiny, short little legs like a troll.

Yeah, you sure you're not talking about Slugs?

Positive. He genuinely looked like a Moomin.

Yeah, so does Slugs.

I know, but it ain't Slugs.

His school jumper, yeah,

was the most faded out of everyone's.

He used to chew his sleeves into threads.

-No.

-He brought in a bit of meteorite once, yeah, for show and tell,

and Darren Lacy called him Apollo 13.

-No.

-Oh, my God.

He was obsessed with salamanders, yeah?

And we saw him at the school fete

and he was carrying around a little bank bag full of coppers

and his face was painted like a salamander

and he was hissing at dogs.

How do you not remember Robert fucking Robinson?

Oh, my God, there's this website

that allows you to watch a loaf of bread slowly going stale.

Fucking hell, man!

Stop it.

-What's it called?

-Loaf of bread cam.

Seriously?

He's not on Facebook.

How can he not be on Facebook?

Everyone's on Facebook.

That doesn't make any sense.

Maybe he changed his name cos he got married.

-What?

-Maybe he's not on Facebook because he doesn't exist.

What about that tea towel?

Where is it?

HE GASPS

This is it. Got it.

I've got it. This is it.

There.

-That's him.

-Let me see.

-He's here.

Rob Robinson. I got it.

You see? Right there.

Rob Robinson.

And that was him. And I was...

I knew it, didn't I?

And that looks like him, as well.

That looks exactly like him.

There's a massive pond in the back of there

and two summers ago, it got really bad algae.

32 grand's worth of Koi carp just dead in a day.

And the algae was thick, like a pint of cheese.

And down there is karate club.

On my first day of karate club, karate master goes to me, "Kerry,

"I don't know why you're here because I can't teach you anything."

"If anything, you should be teaching me."

And just gave me his black belt.

All right, Mand?

No, I'm not all right. You know that little old blind man?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, when I was punching him in his face,

the lens from his glasses broke and cut my knuckle.

Oh, right.

Do you want a tattoo, by the way?

-Why's that?

-Oh, I'm a qualified tattoo artist now,

I've got my certificate this morning.

Nice one.

-Do you want one, then?

-Well, yeah, I've always wanted one

but I've just got no money.

-I've been saving up.

-No, no, I'd do it for free.

Are you serious?

-Yeah, helps me build up my portfolio and that.

-Oh!

Why don't you come round tomorrow afternoon, then?

That'd be amazing.

-All right.

-Aw, nice one, Mand, cheers.

I'll see you later.

Tyson, fuck off!

So, there's a house over there

that we used to cherry knock at all the time.

But since Graham's wife died, we don't do it any more

cos we don't take the piss.

I'm going to do whatever it takes to find out what happened

to Robert Robinson.

My theory is...is that he died but they just kept it from us

cos we was just little, innocent children.

This is where Robert Robinson lived.

I can see him, I can just see him now,

just playing in the garden.

Summer evening, having so much fun and laughter.

Cos he loved life.

And then his mum comes out, "Robert, dinner's ready."

And he's like, "Mum, I don't want to eat,

"I'm having too much fun playing."

She goes, "You have to eat something, Robert."

And he goes, "No, seriously, I'm fine."

She goes, "Right, that's it."

So she grabs him by the neck, like this, pulls him in,

and he's crying,

and he's putting his heels in but she's kicking him.

Thumping him on the back.

And so he gets sent up to his bedroom without any tea.

-Kurtan?

-Cos he did have abusive parents.

-What?

-There's a pair of old Spider-Man pants here

with some skidders in them.

Yeah. Those will be his.

It's just like one day he was here, and then the next, he was gone.

I can se... I can feel, I can feel, Kerr, I can feel him here.

I'm getting this weird feeling, I swear to God.

You all right, Kurts?

Can you just give me a minute?

He's loving this.

He gets very much too obsessive with things -

like, last week he was obsessed with finding out what happened

to the cast of The Queen's Nose.

It's, like, an old kids' programme that was on TV.

And a lot of them are still acting, actually.

And then he got obsessed with the...the Fuse bar.

He had to write a letter to Cadbury's

asking what happened to the Fuse bar.

And they wrote back saying, "The sales weren't great

"but thank you so much for taking the time to write in."

Thanks again so much for this, Mand, honestly, I can't believe it.

So, do you know what you want, then?

SHE SIGHS I just can't decide at the moment.

Why don't you have a look through one of these books, then?

-Choose something from there.

-Cheers, Mand.

So, what's that one?

That's a pig.

All right.

Sorry, who's that?

That's Friends.

-And that one?

-Harry Styles.

Tasmanian.

That's Justin Bieber.

Fred Flintstone. Spock.

Stig of the Dump.

All right. Who did these?

-Me.

-Oh, right.

They're really good.

I know.

Who's that one?

That's Grant from EastEnders

but also it could be that bloke off MasterChef.

-Oh, right.

-If you put glasses on it.

Do you know what? I think I'm going to have to just

go home and just have a think about it.

Why?

Cos...well, they're just so good, I can't choose which one.

So, you're wasting my time?

Cos I've booked the whole afternoon off for this.

And I'm giving you one for free.

-No, I...

-You're taking the piss, aren't you?

I do really want one, it's just, I...

-I do, yeah, I do really want one, yeah.

-What?

I just don't know which one to have yet, that's the only thing.

Do you do, like, really small ones?

Like I literally just want, like, a K.

I don't do small ones, I only do massive ones.

Right.

-You wanted one?

-Nah.

Do you know what? I am going to go home and think about it, Mand.

Mand...

Mandy?

Mandy?

Brilliant, she's dead.

MANDY SNORES

No, she's sleeping.

Oh, what the fuck... What, with her eyes open?

Yeah, my nan does it, it's like a weird condition or something.

Look, watch this. Mandy?

Your tattoos are shit.

Oi.

That's the whole day away.

She's sleep talking.

Oh.

(Fuck this, I'm getting out of here.)

(Go, let's get out.)

Oh, my God.

She's going to be so livid that we just, like, legged it.

-Well, yeah, but...

-Oh...

You'd rather get a punch in the face, yeah,

-than a giant tattoo for the rest of your life, so, just...

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

-DISTANT SHOUTING

Oh, well, don't stop, let's keep walking.

-All right.

-Pretend we haven't seen him.

Kerr, wait!

What is it?

God!

Look at him, he's waddling like he's shat himself.

What is it, mate?

Well, what is it?

Kerr, come on, let's just go.

What? What?

Rob Robinson? Well, what about him?

What? What is it?

No, what about him? What is it? Rob Robinson?

What is it?

He's alive? How do you know?

Yeah?

Oh, yeah!

Seriously?

Seriously?

Kerr, this is...this is... This is serious now.

That is amazing.

Thanks for that, mate.

Thank the Lord for Slugs.

That's brilliant, that.

-Come on.

-I can't believe it, that is...

That's great news. The plot thickens, Kerr.

Mum, what's for tea?

What?

Can I have a word, Kerr?

(She's going to fucking kill us.)

(Not me, I'm going home.)

(You're coming in with me.)

(She'll fucking....)

(Don't you fucking dare.)

All right, Mand?

Look, I'm sorry about earlier.

I don't want you to think I sleep on the job or nothing.

-I'm a professional.

-No, honestly, you're fine,

I reckon what we should do

is just forget about the whole thing, to be honest.

No, I brought all my tattooing stuff round now.

Yeah, but you're really tired, though, aren't you?

No.

Erm...

But I don't really know...what I want to have done yet,

that's the thing.

That's all right, I'll make it up as I go along.

Sit down.

Yeah, I could have said "no" to Mandy, but...

I want to support a local business, don't I?

Because that's who I am.

And when a tattoo removal company starts up round here,

I'll be supporting that, as well.

-Take your top off.

-Yeah.

TATTOO GUN BUZZES

So, we're just outside the village.

It's been years since I've come up here.

Like, it's a long walk from my house,

but I think it's all going to be worth it

because I'm seeing Robert Robinson.

Slugs found out that he works in this garage

just outside the village.

I don't know what's going to happen. Like, anything could happen.

He might not want to see me.

He might just punch me in the face, and if he does,

I'm just going to stand there and take it

cos that is the least he deserves.

He might not even be the same lad I once knew, like...

He might not even be into salamanders any more.

But one thing I do know is that I lost him once

and I ain't ever going to lose him again.

I think that's him.

I am pretty sure, yeah, that is Robert fucking Robinson.

Right there.

-Robert?

-Yeah?

You are...you are exactly how I remembered, it's so weird.

All right.

It's me, Kurtan.

OK.

Like, no-one else remembers who you were, right?

But I never forgot who you were, Robert.

Sorry...sorry, who are you?

Kurtan.

You were in my class, yeah, in Year 6 for, like, two terms,

I bullied you relentlessly.

-Right.

-You don't remember...?

What happened to you?

Well, I moved schools.

-Right.

-And now I work here.

Why aren't you on Facebook?

I am on Facebook.

I changed my name to Salamander.

Of course.

I should... That is so you, as well.

What time do you finish here?

Ten minutes. Why?

I don't know.

What sort of broom is that?

I don't know.

All right, well, look after yourself, yeah?

Absolute waste of time.

So fucking boring. Jesus.

Nothing about him.

How are we going to get home from here, as well?

I've got to walk through this fucking shit.

Some things are just best left in the past, where they belong.

You've just got to live in the moment

and appreciate what's around you.

Because while you're pining for Noel Edmond's House Party,

you're missing out on Alan Carr's Chatty Man.

It's just shits and roundabouts.

Let's see it, then.

-No.

-Come on, please.

-No, I ain't showing you.

-Please, Kerr, come on.

Oh. Yeah, fine, but don't touch it.

-I won't touch it.

-Cos it's still really painful.

SHE WINCES

That looks like a dog sniffing a bumhole.

Piss off! It's a wolf howling at a moon, thanks.

-Oh...

-Dick.

-..this'll cheer you up, yeah?

I spoke to Mr Perkins' grieving wife earlier...

-Oh, yeah.

-And he's definitely still dead.

-SHE GASPS

-I know.

SHE BLOWS WHISTLE

He's dead!

He's dead!

The bastard's dead.