Random Acts of Kindness This Country


Random Acts of Kindness

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This programme contains strong language

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You see this house here?

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There.

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The bloke that used to live in there, right,

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kept hearing strange noises coming out of his attic at night.

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And he'd go to the fridge

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and find that food was missing from the fridge.

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So he thought, "I'm just going to go up to the attic and check this out."

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And he found an entire family of Peruvian panpipe buskers

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just living up there.

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And he thought, "I'm just going to leave them to it,

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"cos they're not really doing me any harm."

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And then, a few years later, he thought,

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"Well, I'll just go up to the attic to check on them.

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"See if they're all right."

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And it turned out they'd all died of asbestos poisoning.

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Yeah, he doesn't live there any more.

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He lives in Stroud, cos it's closer to his work.

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Loads has happened, hasn't it?

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-Loads has happened since you've last been here.

-You missed so much.

-Er...

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-You missed the duck race.

-The duck race.

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-Vicar fucked that one up, didn't he?

-Absolutely fucked it.

-Fucking hell.

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Kurtan's got a new girlfriend, haven't you?

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Yeah, I have, actually.

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Called Sophie Elizabeth Huxley.

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But I call her Soph.

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Yeah, and she also lets me call her Soph, as well, doesn't she?

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Yeah, she does.

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Well, I was on Tinder for a bit.

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-But I wasn't getting any matches, so...

-You didn't get one match.

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-Yeah.

-Not one match.

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That's only cos no-one round here is on Tinder,

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so, you know, I had to keep setting my radius further and further

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and further, then the radius got to France.

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And it just got silly by the end. You know.

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I can't afford to be going back and forth on the tunnel

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every other weekend to take some French frog out bowling.

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-No way.

-You know...

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So, then, one evening, I was on Facebook and it popped up,

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"People you might know."

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Yeah, so he messaged every girl on there, saying,

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"Hey, what is your spirit animal?"

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-Icebreaker.

-Icebreaker.

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And then Soph was actually the first one to reply, saying,

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"Giraffe, what about you?"

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And I said, "Whatever animal has sex with a giraffe."

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-And she found it a laugh.

-Yeah.

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A lot of girls don't find that a laugh, though.

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Especially if their spirit animal

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-was a hamster or their dead nan.

-Yeah.

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I just decided to sack off college altogether, in the end.

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Especially now I got Soph.

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To be honest, didn't really want to go in the first place,

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but the vicar was just trying to push me into it.

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Basically, just trying to live his dream to me.

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Anyway, he's latched onto Kerry now.

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And he's leeching the life out of her.

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She can't see how toxic he is.

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So, the trick is to just get the trowel in like that.

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-VOICEOVER:

-It's been an interesting few months, actually.

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I've been spending a lot more time with Kerry, which is great.

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She's come on leaps and bounds, with regard to her outlook on life.

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Oh, who's been nicking after them runners?

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They're absolutely fucked. Sorry for saying...

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Cos I've changed massively since you've been here last.

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Cos I've reformed myself.

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Cos I've been hanging out with the vicar and that,

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and he's sort of taught me the way of the world.

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Like, how to be kind to others

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and treat people the way I always want to be treated.

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-This is marvellous.

-It's lovely, isn't it?

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Some people will always be scared of me,

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and I can't change that, no matter how nice I am.

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But there is a balance to be had between being nice and being feared.

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Like, Dr Barnardo, he was just too nice and not feared.

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So he just got overrun by orphans and everyone just took the piss.

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-Yes!

-Yes, that's what I'm talking about!

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-Just a bit less power, now.

-Well, exactly.

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If I meet it in the middle, then I'll get there.

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-What's this?

-Oh, all right?

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-We're just playing a bit of golf.

-Why?

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Cos it's fun.

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That was mental, though, wasn't it?

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That was very good, indeed.

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Kurtan, it's so good to see you!

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Vicar, Sophie, Sophie, vicar.

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Hi, Sophie, lovely to meet you at last.

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It's lovely to meet you, too, Vicar.

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So, how are you?

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-Good.

-Yeah, pretty good.

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Probably the best I've been in a long time...

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-Look at that! Look at that!

-That's brilliant.

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I'm so happy for you both.

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-Kurtan's all was going on about you, Vicar.

-No, is he?

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-That's not...

-You know, Kurtan, you can pop in any time

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to see me for a cup of tea and a catch-up.

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-Don't really like tea.

-Well, just a catch up, then.

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Don't really like catching up. It's not my thing.

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Well, I'm running Secret Cinema Club on Thursday,

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if you two wanted to come.

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-We're doing Grease. It should be fun.

-Oh, I love Grease.

-Oh, so do I.

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That's my favourite... Yeah, we'd love to.

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Oh, would you? That would be great. Well, you should definitely come.

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-Yeah, we will.

-Yeah, fine. Whatever.

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-Great!

-All right. Yeah.

-So nice to meet you.

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And you, Sophie. That's great.

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But if you want to pop in before then, Kurtan, you know where I am.

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Yeah.

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-Sticking your nose in everyone's business.

-But he seems really nice!

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Yeah, cos he's a sociopath. That's what they all want you to think.

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It's all just an act.

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I just watched this video

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of this girl doing a random act of kindness on YouTube.

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She basically paid for this old man's shopping at the till.

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And this old man was, like, about 90 years old.

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And he's so fucking old, like, you could see through his skin.

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And he just starts bawling his eyes out.

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He's like, "You're fucking joking me, this ain't fucking real life."

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I just thought, I want to make someone feel like that.

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Cos that's...I really... That's what I want to do.

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What?

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What?

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As a random act of kindness.

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As a random act of kindness.

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I don't know what she's talking about.

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Cos I do wipe my arse properly.

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OK?

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No, listen.

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Right, if I turn my phone off, right, Soph,

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that means I don't want to talk to anyone. Not just you.

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Yeah, I just want a bit of Kurtan time.

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You know. What's wrong with that?

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Ugh! Yeah, OK, fine, then.

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Whatever.

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Yeah. Bye.

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Fucking hell.

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Can't believe that.

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So I turned my phone off, right, for literally, like, two days.

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She's going absolutely mental about it.

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Going, "Oh, I thought you were dead. I was going to call the police."

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I'm not dead. Just can't be arsed to text her sometimes.

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You know. Is that such a crime?

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Problem is, when we first started dating, I set the bar too high.

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Cos I was just texting her the whole time,

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but that was because I wanted to reel her in.

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But now the fish is in the net,

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I ain't going to keep throwing worms at it.

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Cos that's a waste of worms.

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You know, correct me if I'm wrong,

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but four texts a day is complete madness.

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No-one can keep up with that.

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Not even Giffgaff.

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So, Slugs updated his Facebook status this morning,

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saying how his PlayStation broke and how gutted he was, and that.

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So I thought I'd do my very own random act of kindness for him.

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Because perhaps I have been quite harsh to him in the past. You know.

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I mean, he's not that annoying, it's just,

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he just needs to learn not to breathe out of his mouth.

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Cos that just winds everyone up.

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SHE MOUTHS

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Hello!

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Oh. Erm...

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Sorry, is Slugs in?

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Michael.

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Me and Michael have been going out for nearly a year.

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It's going well.

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Really well.

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-Hello.

-Hi.

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So, I heard your PlayStation broke.

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-Yeah.

-It's really sad.

-Sucks, man.

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Really sucks. But I've got a little surprise for you.

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Because I know how harsh life has been to you.

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Cos it has been really harsh, you know,

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and you deserve happiness just as much as the next man, don't you?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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Which is why, as a random act of kindness, I am giving you

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my PlayStation.

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Thanks.

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Hello. You happy with that? Yeah?

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-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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-Yeah, thanks.

-Yeah.

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Hello. Oh...

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Sorry, Slugs...

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Can I speak to Slugs, please?

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Michael?

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Is he coming?

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-He is?

-Yeah.

-He is coming? Right.

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OK.

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Hello.

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Hello.

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All right, so...

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-Is there a problem here?

-With what?

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Well, just - I've just given you a PlayStation

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and it just doesn't feel like you're that grateful for it.

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-I am.

-You are?

-Yeah.

-Really? Because it doesn't really feel like that.

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-That's the thing. At all.

-It's a PS3.

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Yeah. Because... I get...

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That's way I've given you my PS3, because it was broke,

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-that's the whole point of this whole thing.

-No...

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My PS4 is broken.

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My PS3 is in the garage.

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Oh... I just... I'll just have it back.

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Sorry, Kayleigh, can you just pass me my PlayStation back?

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That would be absolutely great. Thank you very much.

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-Can I keep the controllers?

-No, you can't keep the controllers,

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because, you know, it was a whole thing...

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-That's the whole point in...

-Can I go now?

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I was going to give it to you... Yeah, whatever. Fine.

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Just eat your toast and breathe at the same time,

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like you usually do, because that is disgusting,

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and, you know, you have no manners.

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Fine.

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The fact is, you did something nice for someone.

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Am I doing something nice for someone?

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Because it doesn't really feel like it,

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because I'm not getting great feedback from it.

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But, but, Kerry, look, doing kind gestures for people

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is not about getting recognition,

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it's about doing kind things selflessly.

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-I am doing kind things selfishly.

-No - selflessly.

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What does...selflessly mean?

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Well, it means you don't need people to be grateful

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for the kind things you do -

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you do it anyway, because it's the right thing to do.

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Right...

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So, like, when you're at Tesco's, using the self-service checkouts,

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and the machine gives you your change,

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and it says, "Please take your change,"

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and you say, "Thank you,"

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and you know it can't hear you say thank you, because it's a robot,

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but you say thank you anyway, because it's the nice thing to do...

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-Um... Yes, well, sort of.

-Yeah.

-Yep.

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I get it. I get it, I get it, I get it, I get it.

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Cheers, thanks for that, Vics.

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-No problem.

-Thank you.

-Thank you, Kerry, bye.

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DOOR SHUTS

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There will be £4, please.

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There we go.

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Talking to the vicar really helped,

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so, I decided, as a random act of kindness,

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I'm going to do security for him at his Grease cinema night.

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All right Kate, you're all good.

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If you'd like to go on through, just up and on the right, OK?

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-Kerry, what are you doing?

-Checking for knives and shit.

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I really don't think that's necessary.

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It is, if my enemies know I'm here.

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I was at midnight Mass one year, right,

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someone got tipped off I was there, as I was coming out the church,

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somebody tried to shoot me with a crossbow.

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OK, Kerry. Right.

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-Sorry. Just the one ticket...?

-Oh, another thing.

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Just to let you know,

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I changed all the light bulbs in the toilet to UV,

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so if we get any smackheads in tonight,

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they won't be able to see their veins when they're shooting up.

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Super. Right, um...

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Just... Sorry about that. Just the one ticket?

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All right?

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-What are you wearing?

-What?

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Why are you not dressed up?

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-I thought you were joking.

-No.

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That's the whole point of Grease cinema night -

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you dress up as, like, the people from the film.

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Well, I haven't seen the film, have I?

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That's why I came here - to watch the fucking film

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-like a normal human being.

-All right! Just go inside, then.

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Oh, my God, is that Slugs?

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What is Kayleigh wearing?!

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She looks great.

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She can't walk in those shoes! Fucking 'ell.

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-Bambi on ice.

-She looks good.

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-Hey, guys.

-How you doing?

-Doing good.

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-All right, Kurtan?

-Yeah.

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Good.

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'50s ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS

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All right? Am I glad to see you.

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Why?

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This - it's shit, innit?

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-What?

-This, this whole... It's embarrassing.

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-What, the party?

-Yeah.

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Don't know what party you're at, this one's bangin', mate.

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Look at everyone, look at them.

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-You ain't dressed up.

-You ain't dressed up.

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Yeah, I am. I'm security.

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You look like Andy Fordham.

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Who's that?

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Fat darts player, basically.

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Well, I don't care, because I'm enjoying myself.

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I do miss spending time with Kurtan, actually.

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I suppose that's a bit selfish of me, really,

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because he's got his own life to live, but...

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You know, it's just so good to see him so happy with Sophie.

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SLOW DANCE NUMBER PLAYS

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I don't even know why you getting so upset.

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I di...

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I've made an effort by coming here tonight. I didn't want to come.

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Do you understand that? But I still did.

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-You don't give a shit about me.

-Oh...

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I make such an effort, and now you don't give a shit.

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When I look at Slugs and Kayleigh, I think that's all that I want.

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-SCOFFS:

-That is insane.

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It's not - he was dancing, he was making an effort.

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-Yeah, like a fucking boo-bah.

-And you still haven't let me know

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-if you're coming to my parents barbecue on Sunday.

-Oh...

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I've asked you like three times...

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Hey, hey, hey! This is Mr Belding.

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What have I told you kids about loitering in the corridors?

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Sorry, mate, who are you?

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Ian.

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Ian, right, I'm just having a very serious chat

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with my girlfriend right here,

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and what you've just done is really inappropriate, mate, all right?

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Sorry, mate.

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Fuck!

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Do you not wanna be with me?

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Mr Belding, that...that's Saved By The Bell, that's not Grease.

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He's got that totally wrong.

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Sorry...

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What did you say?

0:16:060:16:07

Fucking prick.

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Oh, fuck.

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DOOR SLAMS

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Mr Belding!

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Pfft.

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He's... He's gonna be embarrassed about that in the morning.

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Sophie dumped Kurtan last night, so he's in a bit of a state.

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I had to wheel him here from his house in an Asda trolley,

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cos he was just too heartbroken to move.

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It's a shame, cos I'd just finished writing my best man speech.

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But...

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When I first saw Sophie

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I thought, "Wow, Kurtan's really punching above his weight,

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"he'll never be able to hang on to her" -

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but he has, and I've never seen him happier.

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You all right?

0:17:300:17:31

Kurtan?

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Kurtan, mate?

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Yeah, I just...

0:17:390:17:41

Oh, I just need to sort my shit out.

0:17:410:17:43

Try and fix things.

0:17:440:17:46

Yeah, it is hard seeing Kurtan like this,

0:17:500:17:53

but when someone's down, there's nothing better

0:17:530:17:55

than a little random act of kindness -

0:17:550:17:58

and I know exactly how to fix things.

0:17:580:18:00

Sometimes you don't know what you got until you ain't got it any more.

0:18:050:18:09

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hello?

0:18:090:18:10

Like Blockbusters.

0:18:120:18:14

I just took 'em for granted - and then, one day, gone...

0:18:140:18:17

..and you spend ages trying to figure out what went wrong,

0:18:170:18:20

and then you realise it was your fault all along.

0:18:200:18:24

It's all right, Kurtan.

0:18:240:18:25

Not Blockbusters, that... that was online piracy,

0:18:250:18:29

and lack of vision upstairs, in the boardroom.

0:18:290:18:33

It's just like...

0:18:330:18:35

..after not going to Swindon College and that,

0:18:350:18:40

when I ducked out, I just thought that I'd let you down.

0:18:400:18:44

Of course you didn't.

0:18:450:18:47

Is...

0:18:490:18:50

Is that why you've not been coming to see me?

0:18:500:18:53

-Yeah.

-Oh, Kurtan.

0:18:530:18:55

Well...that, and...

0:18:570:18:59

..the cress that we sowed together in the village hall kitchen,

0:19:010:19:06

I've actually been having nightmares about it,

0:19:060:19:08

because I haven't watered it in so long,

0:19:080:19:10

and in my dreams, the cress is so thirsty,

0:19:100:19:14

it's dying like a starving dog,

0:19:140:19:15

and it's going, "Kurtan just left me to die."

0:19:150:19:18

Kurtan, don't... Don't worry, it's fine.

0:19:180:19:21

-I've been watering it.

-Yeah?

-Yes.

0:19:210:19:23

-Really?

-Yes.

0:19:230:19:25

Oh...

0:19:250:19:26

That's...

0:19:280:19:29

-That's amazing.

-I'm sorry you've been worrying so much about it.

0:19:290:19:35

-I really am.

-It's just so stupid, I just know it's so stupid...

0:19:350:19:38

Oh, you mustn't feel stupid.

0:19:380:19:40

I wish you'd come and told me all this earlier.

0:19:400:19:43

Yeah, just had a great chat with the vicar, and honestly,

0:19:440:19:49

it feels so much better now that everything is sorted.

0:19:490:19:52

I feel bad for slagging him off,

0:19:520:19:54

because that was bang out of order...

0:19:540:19:56

..and for posting a picture of him on that German porn site, but...

0:19:570:20:01

..I can probably take that down, I think.

0:20:010:20:04

I feel like a prat about the cress, as well, but...

0:20:040:20:07

You don't need to feel silly about that.

0:20:070:20:09

You don't believe how much stress...

0:20:090:20:10

I've been stressing about it so much.

0:20:100:20:14

Yes, it's great having Kurtan back, I've really missed him. Um...

0:20:140:20:18

..but just between you and me, his cress did die. Um...

0:20:190:20:24

..but I don't think he's quite ready to hear that just yet.

0:20:240:20:27

I just think I was in denial about a lot of shit, even Soph,

0:20:360:20:40

and I was taking it out on the vicar,

0:20:400:20:42

even though it weren't his fault.

0:20:420:20:44

Thinking about it now, me and Soph just weren't right for each other.

0:20:440:20:47

All right? No, I'm just going round Kerry's house.

0:20:470:20:50

She really wants me to come over.

0:20:500:20:52

Yeah, probably be nice to hang out with her again, just us two.

0:20:520:20:56

Like the old days, really.

0:20:560:20:57

-All right?

-All right?

0:21:000:21:02

-Hi.

-All right?

0:21:020:21:04

What are you...doing here?

0:21:050:21:07

-Well, Kerry called me...

-I called her.

0:21:070:21:10

Oh, right.

0:21:100:21:12

OK.

0:21:120:21:14

So, the wanna talk? Cos this is just... This is so silly.

0:21:140:21:17

-It is so silly.

-Yeah, it's just...

0:21:170:21:20

It is what it is, though, really.

0:21:200:21:23

So...

0:21:230:21:24

-Do you wanna go outside?

-Give her a kiss!

0:21:240:21:27

Er... Why?

0:21:270:21:28

What for?

0:21:300:21:31

I thought you said you wanted to fix things.

0:21:330:21:35

I...don't...remember saying that.

0:21:350:21:37

You did. You told me you wanted to fix things.

0:21:370:21:40

He did.

0:21:410:21:43

I did, yeah, but...

0:21:430:21:44

..with...with the vicar.

0:21:440:21:46

So, you definitely don't wanna fix things with...

0:21:540:21:57

..her?

0:21:570:21:59

Nah...

0:21:590:22:00

Sorry.

0:22:000:22:01

Um...

0:22:020:22:04

Yeah.

0:22:050:22:07

Probably should go now.

0:22:080:22:10

OK, see ya.

0:22:110:22:14

Sorry, can I just get round you?

0:22:140:22:16

Thanks.

0:22:160:22:17

DOOR CLOSES

0:22:190:22:20

I'm so sorry...

0:22:300:22:31

..but...

0:22:330:22:35

..is it all right if you leave my house?

0:22:350:22:37

It's just I only kind of know you through Kurtan.

0:22:390:22:42

Is that OK?

0:22:440:22:46

Yeah?

0:22:460:22:48

So sorry about that.

0:22:480:22:49

Ooh...

0:22:560:22:58

-See ya.

-Bye.

0:22:580:22:59

I'm not quite sure what...

0:23:070:23:09

Cos I must have read that completely wrong, there.

0:23:120:23:15

It's her own fault, actually...

0:23:190:23:22

Cos she led me down this path.

0:23:220:23:24

You know?

0:23:250:23:27

I...

0:23:270:23:28

She was sort of doing it to me, that's the thing.

0:23:290:23:32

She was going to me, "Oh," you know, "you get us back together."

0:23:320:23:36

It is not really my fault, is it?

0:23:360:23:38

I think she's just living in a dream world.

0:23:390:23:42

She wanted it to go that way,

0:23:420:23:44

and it just wasn't gonna go that way.

0:23:440:23:46

She even got ME thinking that they'd get back together...

0:23:460:23:50

..but that's manipula.... manipulative people...do that.

0:23:510:23:55

And he's better off without her.

0:23:550:23:57

-Am I going first?

-Yeah.

0:24:010:24:03

-Kurtan, not bad. Bit more power.

-Yeah.

0:24:040:24:07

Your go, Kerry.

0:24:070:24:09

-Rubbish.

-Er, Kurtan, please.

0:24:090:24:12

That wasn't rubbish, that was a good effort.

0:24:120:24:14

Ah, see?

0:24:160:24:18

-That wasn't much to write home about.

-Aah! Hah!

0:24:180:24:21

-She just kicked it!

-No, I didn't.

0:24:210:24:23

-Kerry...

-I saw you kick it!

0:24:230:24:25

-Just a minute. Kerry...

-You can't kick...!

0:24:250:24:27

Kerry, don't be silly, look.

0:24:270:24:28

-Play fair, or you can sit out.

-No, honestly, cos...

0:24:280:24:30

-Come on.

-It's...

-All right...

-Come on.

0:24:300:24:32

-..I'll just tell him about the cress, then, shall I?

-What?

0:24:320:24:34

What about the cress?

0:24:340:24:36

Kerry, please.

0:24:360:24:37

-What about the cress?

-Nothing, Kurtan. It's fine.

0:24:380:24:42

I'm just gonna take this shot. What about the cress?

0:24:420:24:44

It's fucking dead, isn't it?

0:24:450:24:47

Why'd you have to do that, Kerry?

0:24:570:24:59

Is it my turn?

0:25:000:25:01

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