Threatening Letters This Country

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

There you go.

That's a steal, that - 50 quid.

Yeah, I just...

Have you got the computer bit, as well?

What do you mean? It's all in here.

This is the monitor, so...

..that's literally just the screen, and nothing else.

Cos, normally, this thing comes with both of these, it's a computer -

and that's the expensive bit, really, that's the main thing.

Yeah. That's that.

That's what that is.

I just... I...

Yeah... OK.

Kurtan is not a natural negotiator,

because he can't give a straight answer.

That's why I go with him,

because I'm not afraid to grab the bull by the horns

and put the turkey on the table.

-What are you looking at?

-Oh, nothing.

Are you looking at my collection of Compare The Meerkats.com?

Yeah.

-Yeah, cos you've seen the adverts, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

Cos he's the main one, and he's a laugh.

Right? But he's not the main one, but he's a laugh, in his own way.

-Yeah.

-And I think that's why they get on so well,

cos they're both such a laugh -

but I just need the baby Oleg, now, and then the set's complete.

-Yeah, yeah.

-You don't know anyone selling a baby Oleg, do you?

-I don't...

-Don't, sorry.

-..know of anyone.

-Can you keep your ear to the ground, please?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, def...

-Absolutely.

-Definitely, definitely.

Well?

Yeah, I just...

It's...

The thing is, it's just not really what I'm looking for at the moment.

I... I'd still take it off your ha-hands...

..for a small fee - sort of, fiver or something.

Higher than that, maybe, a little bit. Er...

I mean, what do you...? What's fair?

-50 would be...better.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

-50 quid!

-I know.

It ain't worth 50p.

You didn't help, either. Could have said something.

-I did!

-Well, you know it's not...

-Did I not?

-Yeah...

-I was about to.

-It's obvious there's no computer bit with this.

-50 quid! You know it's not worth...

-Da! Da, Da!

-All right, Da? All right, Da?

-All right.

-Kurtan.

-Yeah?

-Got any work on?

-Er...no. Why?

-I've got a job, if you fancy it.

-Er...

-Well, I haven't got any work on.

-What sort of job?

-Bit of labouring, heavy lifting and that.

-Yeah? Er...

-I ain't got any work on.

-I dunno.

Cash in hand.

-Yeah, all right, then. Yeah, go on.

-Yeah.

-I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven.

-Yeah, nice one.

-Yeah, I...

-I haven't got any work on.

-Good, then.

-Yeah.

-All right, see you, Da.

-Cheers, Mart.

-See you.

-All right.

It would've been nice to work with my dad and the lads,

but, if I'm honest,

it's probably best I keep my head down at the moment, anyway.

Basically, somebody's been sending me threatening letters,

and I don't know who's doing it -

and I am concerned, because my peripheral vision is poor,

so, if somebody attacks me from the sides

or snipes at me from an upstairs window, I am fucked -

but my hearing is excellent, see?

So, I just need to spend a few days inside honing my sonar,

and I'll be fine, then.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mum, can I come in?

Well, do you think you can go to the shop?

Cos we're out of loo roll.

I can't. What if I get attacked or something?

SHE COUGHS

I ain't worried about the physical nature of the job.

I've done my fair share of physical stuff.

The only thing I'm worried about

is fucking spending the whole day with fucking Martin.

A few rules.

-No moaning, no complaining, no negative Nancies.

-OK.

If you don't like the work, the circus is in town

-and they're always looking for clowns.

-Right.

-30 minutes for lunch.

-Right.

-Any longer than that gets taken out of your wage packet...

-OK.

..and every Tuesday's cake Tuesday,

where you bring in a cake that you've baked

-for us all to share.

-OK.

Whoever has the least delicious cake

has to buy the rounds in at the Keeper's.

-Right, OK.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, that's fine.

Sorry, Martin, just one more thing, mate.

-Er... Your mug is your own responsibility...

-Right.

..and if I find your dirty mug sitting in the van,

I'll have absolutely no hesitation in smashing it in the road. Capeesh?

Yeah. Understood.

There you go.

Just pop those next to the cement mixer.

Jesus Christ.

Kurtan's just going to drown like a pig in the sea.

You know, it's all well and good him doing this job,

but if they start taking the piss out of his nan or his birthmark,

his soul is just going to crumble to dust.

Christ, you watch the Swindon game last night?

Course I did.

What a joke.

Some of them are not fit to wear the shirt, I say.

Ker said to me, she goes, "You know that Luke Norris?"

She goes, "He gets paid two grand to play football."

I said to her, "He doesn't get paid two grand to play football,

"He gets paid two grand to fall on his arse the whole game."

-Sorry, Kursty, can I just have a word, mate?

-Yeah.

Martin don't like it when other people make jokes on the site.

-He's the only one who is allowed to make the jokes on-site.

-Right. OK.

So, that's that... and, on top of the joke,

never, ever joke about Swindon Football Club, ever.

-Especially Luke Norris.

-Right.

Cos Martin used to play darts with his dad,

-and he basically sees Luke like a son.

-OK.

So, if you ever think of any other jokes, come to me, tell me,

and I'll pass them on to Martin,

and let you know if you find some funny or not, all right?

Yeah. That's fine.

Cheers, Dan.

A hard hat may protect you from a falling brick,

but it will not protect you from banter.

You don't need a hard hat, you need a hard heart.

Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst?

Oh, I'd bloody love one. Cheers, Dan, mate.

Where's your mug, then?

Oh, shit.

I left it in the van.

Oh...

Sweep that up, Kurst.

Yep.

Sort it out, Kursty.

Got another letter today,

and I think it's the worst of the lot.

I'm no closer to finding out who it is, either.

It's pretty scary, cos they're coming through my door,

which means they probably know where I live.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, all right, Mand?

All right, Ker?

Yeah, just thought I'd let you know, I've got the baby Oleg, now,

from a smoke-free home and a pet-free home,

so, the set's complete,

if you want to come round and have a look at 'em,

cos I remember you saying how much you like the set, didn't you?

Oh, yeah, cheers, Mand.

-You all right?

-Yeah.

What's the matter with your face?

Have you gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, or what?

No, I ain't gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, I just...

I should hope not - I've come all the way over here,

cos you said about the baby Oleg, and I thought you was interested.

-Yeah, no, I am - I am really interested in Oleg.

-Right.

What's the matter, then?

"Dear Kerry, I cannot stop fantasising about you.

"My latest was the best.

"I'm cleaning out my shed when you come in and tell me

"you want to sand down a chair leg,

"so you use my mouth as a vice and tell me I cannot breathe.

"I breathe involuntarily to stay alive,

"and you punch me in the lungs and tell me how pathetic I am."

The sick, sick bastard.

It's just... I don't know what to do, Mand.

It's all right, I'll help you.

We'll find him, yeah? And we're going to fuck him up.

You'll be safe with me, Ker.

Oh, cheers, Mand.

That's all right, that's what I do.

HE STRAINS

Oh, dear! Oh, God...

Oh, no...

OK...

Oh, dear.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

CLATTERING

No, no...

No.

No, that's bad.

HE STRAINS

Ooh...

And...

..out it goes.

That's it.

Just like that.

Right. Next load.

-Just a quick question, Kursty.

-Yes.

Are you going to do it like that every time?

-I-I shouldn't think so, no.

-Right.

OK.

-MANDY:

-Look at this.

Whoa.

I never leave the house without a pair of these.

"Why?" You ask.

Well, this is why.

That's...

-..really good.

-See that?

Pure martial arts.

-Yah! Like that.

-Yeah.

Do a defence, or...

-..you can do a punching...

-SHE LAUGHS

"Yeah, whatever, all right, mate, yeah..."

-Yeah.

-Yah! Like that. Don't worry, I've got me range.

-Yeah.

-I've got me range.

-What am I going to do now? Defence, or punch?

-I don't know.

We don't know, we don't know.

It's a punch! Whaa!

And I can get quite close to you.

Yes.

Yeah.

I ain't struggling. No.

I made a few mistakes, yeah, but it's my first day...

See you tomorrow.

..and the relentless windups don't help, either -

cos Martin and Dan, they had me looking for tartan paint

for about 45 minutes today.

I should've known, after the tartan paint, that he was having me on,

cos I spent another 20 minutes looking for striped paint.

It took me half an hour to work out that...it's the same joke.

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I can't present that tomorrow.

-Oh... They'll annihilate me.

-That is sunken as hell.

You may as well just stuff your face with it, Ker.

Nah, you're all right.

-Look, if you want the

-ganache,

-you'll have to frost it yourself.

-The mix is in the bowl...

-Mm.

-.but I ain't doing it for you, all right?

-Nah, I'm just not hungry.

What?

What?

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

You're off your food, and that worries me greatly.

"Dear Kerry, I often see you around the village.

"I have been having intense fantasies about you

"that I feel I must share with you.

"My dream is that you come over to mine in your Swindon shirt.

"You come in to fix my washing machine, and you are all sweaty

"cos you have been playing football in the park.

"You smell of BO...

"..but I don't mind.

"You are so strong, your hands are like spanners.

"You lift me above your head

"and throw me to the other side of the room,

"and smash me against the wall.

"We arm wrestle, and when you beat me, you tell me how pathetic I am.

"I give you my belt to whip me with,

"and my trousers fall down,

"and you laugh at my genitals."

Threatening, innit?

Yeah.

-That's...

-They want to beat me up, don't they?

Yeah...

I wouldn't say...

It's sort of...

They... They want... you to beat them up...

..but I don't think they're beating you up.

Oh, really?

That's all right, then.

No. No, because...

Because they're getting, like, a...a thing out of it.

What? What sort of thing out of it?

Like... Well...

Like...

A sexual thing.

This really is not a good situation for me.

A physical threat is something that I can deal with,

but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise.

-Right, get your cakes out, you pair of fannies.

-Go.

What you got today, Dan?

-Victoria sponge, mate. Classic.

-Oh, ho, ho! Lovely.

Oh, Dan, that's not bad at all.

-Especially after your Battenberg disaster.

-Cheers, Martin.

Right, Kurst, what's your offering today?

Well...

There she is, in all her glory.

-Lemon drizzle.

-What's this?

Is that shop-bought?

Yeah.

Sorry.

Look, I...

I did try and bake one myself, I did,

but I just can't do it. I can't bake.

Listen.

No baker gets it right the first time.

That is the beauty of baking.

It's trial and error.

Do you think Dan could have produced that exquisite Victoria sponge

without fucking up his Battenberg?

-No.

-No way.

I mean, even the great Mr Kipling

would admit to fucking up his first couple of Bakewells, right?

-Yeah, I suppose he would.

-You need to get some more confidence, Kurst.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Well, do you know what? I think...

I think I'll give it a bloody good go next time.

I really will, and I can't thank you enough. You know?

-That's the right attitude.

-Mm.

-Yeah?

-But remember, you've got to do the forfeit.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, what do you mean?

Well, you brought in a shop-bought, so you got to do a forfeit, mate.

-That's the rules.

-What forfeit?

Er...

-Slap that drink out that woman's hand.

-Yeah, go on, Kursty,

-that'll redeem you.

-No, that's Slugs, I know him.

Yeah, but so what?

It's just, I...

He's had a really hard time of it, he's had cancer.

Oh, grow a pair, Kurst.

He ain't going to do it, Martin. He's a fanny, ain't he?

No, I ain't a fanny. I just...

Oh, fuck...

All right, Kurtan?

All right, Slugs, mate?

All right, mate, how's it going?

It's not good.

Really? What's wrong?

Just really low, mate.

Why?

Just found out Kayleigh's been sending messages

to other guys on Facebook.

Shit.

Wh-What sort of messages?

Sexual, mostly.

Oh, God.

So sorry to hear that, mate.

Thanks.

-She said she doesn't know what she wants.

-Yeah.

-I'm going over there now to see if I can work things out.

-Mm-hm.

Well, it will... It will work itself out, mate.

-It's... It always... Yeah.

-I hope so.

-Just really fucked in the head, mate.

-Yeah.

-I don't know what to do.

-Yeah.

THEY LAUGH

That was good.

Oh, nice one, Kurtan. Nice one, mate.

It's all right, it's all right. It's all right.

Well, Mandy very kindly offered to spend some time at my house

for protection and that.

She reckons it could be quite serious,

and it could be very dangerous.

-Isn't that right?

-Yeah.

Yeah, the reason I have offered to protect Kerry

is cos I used to be in exactly the same situation before,

cos I was a stalker for about three or four years, and...

It got really bad at one point,

cos they were starring in Jack And The Beanstalk

at the Everyman Theatre...

..I broke into their dressing room and just...

..I stole all their shoes and that.

Police got involved.

I thought you were stalked on.

No, I was the stalker.

Oh.

Yeah, cos the more I loved them, the more they rejected me,

the more they rejected me, the more I wanted to kill 'em, see?

That's just love, I suppose.

Cheers, John.

Shut up!

Fuckin' hell!

Jesus.

Fuckin' hell!

What did Sandra say? Oh, ho, ho! Did she found out?

Oh, fucking hell, really, though?

Right.

TV: You lied to me, Mick.

I couldn't tell you any sooner, because you wasn't here.

I asked you. I asked you if you'd told me everything.

You kissed her twice, Mick.

I know.

You not going to go home, do you think?

-No.

-No...?

I can't... I can't protect you from me house, can I?

I'd be all right tonight. I'd be absolutely fine tonight.

You say that.

You know that night's the most dangerous time, right?

Night-time was when I did all my business.

Who... Who was it that you did stalk?

I could... I'm not allowed to say who it actually is,

but I can tell you that it was a member of S Club 7 -

-but I can't tell you which one.

-Really?

Was it Bradley?

-Bradley?

-No.

-Paul?

-No.

-Jon's the other one.

-No.

Tina?

No.

-Jo?

-No.

-Rachel Stevens.

-No.

Hannah Spearritt?

Yeah, go on, my son. Wahey, there we go. There we go.

-Fucking shots!

-No...!

-Yeah, let's do shots, come on!

I don't know, mate.

Come on, John. Get the shots out.

-Dan, you'll have a shot!

-I don't know, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Come on!

-Maybe...

-Do a shot!

-He's doing it now, isn't he?

Come on, you big, bald fanny, do a shot!

Come on.

I don't mind getting them in. Honestly. You'll do one.

Yeah?

-How about one down the social, yeah?

-Absolutely, mate, yeah.

-Let's do it now.

-Where we going? Social?

-Cheers, John, mate.

-Yeah. See you, John.

-All right, see you... See you tomorrow, lads.

-Yeah, yeah.

Oh... Fuck.

Rack 'em up, then, John.

Fuckin' hell.

Quickly, mate!

Yeah.

Fuck, what a night, tonight.

Pint to pint with Martin Mucklowe.

Absolutely battered last night.

Can't wait for a debrief with the lads, as well.

Cor! Last night was a random one, wasn't it?!

Cor.

Checked my phone this morning,

only text my ex about six times last night!

One of... One of them was a video of the crying for about 10 minutes.

What a numpty.

Can't even remember getting home, either.

So, you're not fit for work, then?

Well... We were all drinking last night.

-Ain't we all a bit worse for wear?

-No.

I can metabolise a pint in five minutes. Dan in seven.

You, on the other hand, were taking the piss out of me and my site,

and I've got two words for you, eh, Dan?

-See ya.

-Yeah. See ya.

What are you on about?

I don't work with clowns, I only work with kings.

What, y-you're... You're sacking me?

What have I done? I haven't done anything wrong.

-What have I done wrong?

-Well...

Is this about me calling you a big, bald fanny last night?

Cos the atmosphere just totally changed after that.

Yeah, well, to be fair, mate,

-it was bang out of order, wasn't it?

-Oh, my...

I knew it was. That... Do you know how sad that is?

That is so, actually, sad, that makes me so sad for you,

that you can't take a joke.

That was just a joke, and you're sacking me for making a joke.

That is... What am I going to do for work?

Go to joke school.

Well, if I need to go to joke school,

you need to go back to shagging school, then, mate.

-What do you mean?

-Yeah.

I overheard your Sandra in the post office,

saying, yeah, you might have a big knob,

but you don't know what the bloody hell to do with it.

-Right, that's it, you get off the site now.

-I'm going, mate.

All the gear, no idea.

I will not miss working for Martin Mucklowe.

He is a disturbed individual.

Did you hear him say he got tossed off by his mother-in-law?

She's 86.

I'd rather shag Kerry's mum...

..and to think, he's done 'em both.

Yes!

Bakers...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Someone's here!

Whoa!

Are you all right?

-You was lucky.

-Yeah.

Are you all right?

Yeah.

-How was work?

-Oh...

-I got sacked.

-Why?

I really can't be arsed explaining about it now.

What are you playing?

Happy Families.

Can I play?

Yeah, I've pretty much won this round, anyway.

What's the rules, again?

-Mandy makes up the rules each...

-I don't make 'em up.

-No.

-That's what they are.

-Yeah.

-Two goes for the eldest...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Which is Mandy.

Two cards - one, one, two.

One, one, two.

One, one, one, two.

One, one, two.

-One, one, two...

-LETTERBOX RATTLES

Ooh, it's another letter!

This is it! Right!

MAN SHOUTS

Get back, get back.

-Oh...

-Here he is.

-Dan?!

-How are you doing, mate?

-What the fuck?!

-Sit down!

-I'm not... All right! Christ!

I was just coming by to give Kurtan the recipe for my Victoria sponge,

because I know how much he likes it.

What's this letter, then?

That's not... That's just... I mean...

"Dear Kerry, today I fantasised

"that you were dressed as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda,

"and you were trying out some new boxing gloves,

"and you didn't have a punchbag,

"so I let you try them out on my balls."

Fuck's sake!

This some sort of wankfest for you, is it?

Objectifying some poor girl for your own pleasure?

It ain't like that, right?

I wank over her as a compliment.

Right? I don't mean nothing by it.

Oh, it's a compliment, is it?

Kerry, how does it feel to have some dirty pervert wanking over you?

Er...

Well...

Like, the strength stuff's all right.

I think that's quite good.

It's just the other stuff,

I really, really, really, really don't like it.

All right, well, you know, I can respect that, and...

I think I just got a bit carried away with the whole thing.

I wouldn't do it if I knew you didn't like it, you know?

Yeah. Cos, I mean, like the stuff about me being strong and that,

I don't mind...

That's the bit I don't mind.

-No...

-So, that's quite good.

-Yeah, it's all right.

-There's no harm in it, is there? Strength stuff.

-No.

-Can I just say one thing?

-Yeah.

-I didn't mind the strength stuff.

-You didn't mind it?

-No.

-Well... Yeah, I... I'm with you on that.

-Yeah, me, too.

All right, then. Well...

-What if I was to write another letter, right?

-Mm.

-Right.

Bear with me.

Kerry's working in the garage, right?

Strongest girl in the whole garage, right?

She doesn't even need a jack to lift the car up,

she does everything by her hands.

-That is strong.

-Proper strong. Right?

One day, Land Rover comes in, massive, right? Really heavy -

and you end up actually lifting it so high,

you lift the whole thing above your head, you're that strong.

How's that?

That... That's the end of the story?

-Well, then, yeah.

-That's good.

-Yeah.

-That's great.

-I think that's good, that's fine.

-That's really good, that.

-Yeah. It's good... It's a good story about strength...

-Yeah.

..and there is nothing sexual,

-and I'm happy with that, if you are.

-I'm happy, yeah.

-Now I know -

cos I wouldn't write anything sexual about you.

Jesus, I don't want you coming round, beating me up.

-Yeah, we would beat you up.

-We'd beat you up.

Well, mainly Mandy, I know you're not really...

No, I would beat you up, as well.

You're not really a fighter, are you?

I am a fighter. That's what I live for.

-What, you've been in fights?

-Yeah, I've been in fights.

I was in a fight with Darren Macy at the bus...bus shelter.

I grabbed him by the hood and just smashed his face into a wall.

So, if you ever send me a letter again, yeah,

I will absolutely batter you, mate.

-Oh, Ker, Ker, Ker...

-What?!

-You've given him a stonk on.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, Christ.

-Well...

All right, let's get out of here.

-All right!

-Come on, you.

-Christ, I'm going.

-All right!

-Get out, you dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting bastard.

All right, Christ!

Well, that was fucking weird.

Yeah.

Are you all right?

I think so.

Do you want to play Happy Families?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-I'm so relieved all that is just finished with.

-Yeah.

It's not even him, it was her.

-Oh?

-I just thought she'd never, ever leave.