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This programme contains strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
There you go. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
That's a steal, that - 50 quid. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:16 | |
Yeah, I just... | 0:00:16 | 0:00:18 | |
Have you got the computer bit, as well? | 0:00:18 | 0:00:20 | |
What do you mean? It's all in here. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
This is the monitor, so... | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
..that's literally just the screen, and nothing else. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:29 | |
Cos, normally, this thing comes with both of these, it's a computer - | 0:00:29 | 0:00:34 | |
and that's the expensive bit, really, that's the main thing. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
Yeah. That's that. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
That's what that is. | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
I just... I... | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
Yeah... OK. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:45 | |
Kurtan is not a natural negotiator, | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
because he can't give a straight answer. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:54 | |
That's why I go with him, | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
because I'm not afraid to grab the bull by the horns | 0:00:56 | 0:00:58 | |
and put the turkey on the table. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:00 | |
-What are you looking at? -Oh, nothing. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Are you looking at my collection of Compare The Meerkats.com? | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
Yeah. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:06 | |
-Yeah, cos you've seen the adverts, haven't you? -Yeah. -Yeah? | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
Cos he's the main one, and he's a laugh. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:12 | |
Right? But he's not the main one, but he's a laugh, in his own way. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:15 | |
-Yeah. -And I think that's why they get on so well, | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
cos they're both such a laugh - | 0:01:18 | 0:01:19 | |
but I just need the baby Oleg, now, and then the set's complete. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
-Yeah, yeah. -You don't know anyone selling a baby Oleg, do you? | 0:01:22 | 0:01:26 | |
-I don't... -Don't, sorry. -..know of anyone. | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
-Can you keep your ear to the ground, please? -Yeah, yeah, yeah, def... | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
-Absolutely. -Definitely, definitely. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Well? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:37 | |
Yeah, I just... | 0:01:37 | 0:01:39 | |
It's... | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
The thing is, it's just not really what I'm looking for at the moment. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:45 | |
I... I'd still take it off your ha-hands... | 0:01:45 | 0:01:50 | |
..for a small fee - sort of, fiver or something. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:54 | |
Higher than that, maybe, a little bit. Er... | 0:01:54 | 0:01:57 | |
I mean, what do you...? What's fair? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:01 | |
-50 would be...better. -Yeah. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
Yeah. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
-50 quid! -I know. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:09 | |
It ain't worth 50p. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:10 | |
You didn't help, either. Could have said something. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:13 | |
-I did! -Well, you know it's not... -Did I not? | 0:02:13 | 0:02:15 | |
-Yeah... -I was about to. -It's obvious there's no computer bit with this. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:17 | |
-50 quid! You know it's not worth... -Da! Da, Da! | 0:02:17 | 0:02:21 | |
-All right, Da? All right, Da? -All right. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
-Kurtan. -Yeah? -Got any work on? -Er...no. Why? | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
-I've got a job, if you fancy it. -Er... | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
-Well, I haven't got any work on. -What sort of job? | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
-Bit of labouring, heavy lifting and that. -Yeah? Er... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
-I ain't got any work on. -I dunno. | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Cash in hand. | 0:02:37 | 0:02:39 | |
-Yeah, all right, then. Yeah, go on. -Yeah. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:41 | |
-I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven. -Yeah, nice one. -Yeah, I... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
-I haven't got any work on. -Good, then. -Yeah. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
-All right, see you, Da. -Cheers, Mart. -See you. -All right. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
It would've been nice to work with my dad and the lads, | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
but, if I'm honest, | 0:02:56 | 0:02:57 | |
it's probably best I keep my head down at the moment, anyway. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:00 | |
Basically, somebody's been sending me threatening letters, | 0:03:00 | 0:03:03 | |
and I don't know who's doing it - | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
and I am concerned, because my peripheral vision is poor, | 0:03:05 | 0:03:09 | |
so, if somebody attacks me from the sides | 0:03:09 | 0:03:11 | |
or snipes at me from an upstairs window, I am fucked - | 0:03:11 | 0:03:14 | |
but my hearing is excellent, see? | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
So, I just need to spend a few days inside honing my sonar, | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
and I'll be fine, then. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
-KNOCK AT DOOR -Mum, can I come in? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:23 | |
Well, do you think you can go to the shop? | 0:03:26 | 0:03:28 | |
Cos we're out of loo roll. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:29 | |
I can't. What if I get attacked or something? | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
SHE COUGHS | 0:03:41 | 0:03:42 | |
I ain't worried about the physical nature of the job. | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
I've done my fair share of physical stuff. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
The only thing I'm worried about | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
is fucking spending the whole day with fucking Martin. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
A few rules. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
-No moaning, no complaining, no negative Nancies. -OK. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
If you don't like the work, the circus is in town | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
-and they're always looking for clowns. -Right. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
-30 minutes for lunch. -Right. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
-Any longer than that gets taken out of your wage packet... -OK. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:12 | |
..and every Tuesday's cake Tuesday, | 0:04:12 | 0:04:15 | |
where you bring in a cake that you've baked | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
-for us all to share. -OK. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:18 | |
Whoever has the least delicious cake | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
has to buy the rounds in at the Keeper's. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
-Right, OK. -Yeah. -Yeah, that's fine. | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
Sorry, Martin, just one more thing, mate. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:26 | |
-Er... Your mug is your own responsibility... -Right. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:30 | |
..and if I find your dirty mug sitting in the van, | 0:04:30 | 0:04:33 | |
I'll have absolutely no hesitation in smashing it in the road. Capeesh? | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
Yeah. Understood. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
There you go. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
Just pop those next to the cement mixer. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
Jesus Christ. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:43 | |
Kurtan's just going to drown like a pig in the sea. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
You know, it's all well and good him doing this job, | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
but if they start taking the piss out of his nan or his birthmark, | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
his soul is just going to crumble to dust. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
Christ, you watch the Swindon game last night? | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
Course I did. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:56 | |
What a joke. | 0:04:56 | 0:04:58 | |
Some of them are not fit to wear the shirt, I say. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
Ker said to me, she goes, "You know that Luke Norris?" | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
She goes, "He gets paid two grand to play football." | 0:05:05 | 0:05:07 | |
I said to her, "He doesn't get paid two grand to play football, | 0:05:07 | 0:05:10 | |
"He gets paid two grand to fall on his arse the whole game." | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
-Sorry, Kursty, can I just have a word, mate? -Yeah. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Martin don't like it when other people make jokes on the site. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
-He's the only one who is allowed to make the jokes on-site. -Right. OK. | 0:05:22 | 0:05:26 | |
So, that's that... and, on top of the joke, | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
never, ever joke about Swindon Football Club, ever. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:33 | |
-Especially Luke Norris. -Right. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Cos Martin used to play darts with his dad, | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
-and he basically sees Luke like a son. -OK. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
So, if you ever think of any other jokes, come to me, tell me, | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
and I'll pass them on to Martin, | 0:05:43 | 0:05:44 | |
and let you know if you find some funny or not, all right? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
Yeah. That's fine. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:48 | |
Cheers, Dan. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
A hard hat may protect you from a falling brick, | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
but it will not protect you from banter. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
You don't need a hard hat, you need a hard heart. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:59 | |
Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:01 | |
Oh, I'd bloody love one. Cheers, Dan, mate. | 0:06:01 | 0:06:04 | |
Where's your mug, then? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Oh, shit. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
I left it in the van. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:09 | |
Oh... | 0:06:09 | 0:06:11 | |
Sweep that up, Kurst. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Yep. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
Sort it out, Kursty. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:22 | |
Got another letter today, | 0:06:31 | 0:06:33 | |
and I think it's the worst of the lot. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:36 | |
I'm no closer to finding out who it is, either. | 0:06:36 | 0:06:39 | |
It's pretty scary, cos they're coming through my door, | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
which means they probably know where I live. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
KNOCK AT DOOR | 0:06:46 | 0:06:47 | |
Oh, all right, Mand? | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
All right, Ker? | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
Yeah, just thought I'd let you know, I've got the baby Oleg, now, | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
from a smoke-free home and a pet-free home, | 0:06:53 | 0:06:54 | |
so, the set's complete, | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
if you want to come round and have a look at 'em, | 0:06:56 | 0:06:58 | |
cos I remember you saying how much you like the set, didn't you? | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
Oh, yeah, cheers, Mand. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
-You all right? -Yeah. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:05 | |
What's the matter with your face? | 0:07:05 | 0:07:06 | |
Have you gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, or what? | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
No, I ain't gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, I just... | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
I should hope not - I've come all the way over here, | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
cos you said about the baby Oleg, and I thought you was interested. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:16 | |
-Yeah, no, I am - I am really interested in Oleg. -Right. | 0:07:16 | 0:07:19 | |
What's the matter, then? | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
"Dear Kerry, I cannot stop fantasising about you. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:29 | |
"My latest was the best. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
"I'm cleaning out my shed when you come in and tell me | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
"you want to sand down a chair leg, | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
"so you use my mouth as a vice and tell me I cannot breathe. | 0:07:38 | 0:07:44 | |
"I breathe involuntarily to stay alive, | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
"and you punch me in the lungs and tell me how pathetic I am." | 0:07:47 | 0:07:50 | |
The sick, sick bastard. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
It's just... I don't know what to do, Mand. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:56 | |
It's all right, I'll help you. | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
We'll find him, yeah? And we're going to fuck him up. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:01 | |
You'll be safe with me, Ker. | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
Oh, cheers, Mand. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:03 | |
That's all right, that's what I do. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:05 | |
HE STRAINS | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Oh, dear! Oh, God... | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
Oh, no... | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
OK... | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
Oh, God. Oh, God. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:32 | |
CLATTERING | 0:08:34 | 0:08:36 | |
No, no... | 0:08:36 | 0:08:38 | |
No. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
No, that's bad. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:41 | |
HE STRAINS | 0:08:41 | 0:08:43 | |
Ooh... | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
And... | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
..out it goes. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:51 | |
That's it. | 0:08:51 | 0:08:52 | |
Just like that. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Right. Next load. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:02 | |
-Just a quick question, Kursty. -Yes. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
Are you going to do it like that every time? | 0:09:04 | 0:09:06 | |
-I-I shouldn't think so, no. -Right. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:08 | |
OK. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:10 | |
-MANDY: -Look at this. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
Whoa. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:12 | |
I never leave the house without a pair of these. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
"Why?" You ask. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:16 | |
Well, this is why. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
That's... | 0:09:32 | 0:09:33 | |
-..really good. -See that? | 0:09:33 | 0:09:35 | |
Pure martial arts. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
-Yah! Like that. -Yeah. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Do a defence, or... | 0:09:39 | 0:09:40 | |
-..you can do a punching... -SHE LAUGHS | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
"Yeah, whatever, all right, mate, yeah..." | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
-Yeah. -Yah! Like that. Don't worry, I've got me range. | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
-Yeah. -I've got me range. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:47 | |
-What am I going to do now? Defence, or punch? -I don't know. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
We don't know, we don't know. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:50 | |
It's a punch! Whaa! | 0:09:50 | 0:09:51 | |
And I can get quite close to you. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Yes. | 0:09:57 | 0:09:58 | |
Yeah. | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
I ain't struggling. No. | 0:10:06 | 0:10:08 | |
I made a few mistakes, yeah, but it's my first day... | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
See you tomorrow. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:13 | |
..and the relentless windups don't help, either - | 0:10:13 | 0:10:16 | |
cos Martin and Dan, they had me looking for tartan paint | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
for about 45 minutes today. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
I should've known, after the tartan paint, that he was having me on, | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
cos I spent another 20 minutes looking for striped paint. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
It took me half an hour to work out that...it's the same joke. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
Oh, for fuck's sake! | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
I can't present that tomorrow. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:49 | |
-Oh... They'll annihilate me. -That is sunken as hell. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:54 | |
You may as well just stuff your face with it, Ker. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:56 | |
Nah, you're all right. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:57 | |
-Look, if you want the -ganache, -you'll have to frost it yourself. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
-The mix is in the bowl... -Mm. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:01 | |
-.but I ain't doing it for you, all right? -Nah, I'm just not hungry. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
What? | 0:11:05 | 0:11:07 | |
What? | 0:11:07 | 0:11:08 | |
-What's wrong? -Nothing. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
You're off your food, and that worries me greatly. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:15 | |
"Dear Kerry, I often see you around the village. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
"I have been having intense fantasies about you | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
"that I feel I must share with you. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
"My dream is that you come over to mine in your Swindon shirt. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
"You come in to fix my washing machine, and you are all sweaty | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
"cos you have been playing football in the park. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:43 | |
"You smell of BO... | 0:11:43 | 0:11:44 | |
"..but I don't mind. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:47 | |
"You are so strong, your hands are like spanners. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:52 | |
"You lift me above your head | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
"and throw me to the other side of the room, | 0:11:54 | 0:11:56 | |
"and smash me against the wall. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
"We arm wrestle, and when you beat me, you tell me how pathetic I am. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:04 | |
"I give you my belt to whip me with, | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
"and my trousers fall down, | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
"and you laugh at my genitals." | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
Threatening, innit? | 0:12:14 | 0:12:15 | |
Yeah. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:18 | |
-That's... -They want to beat me up, don't they? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:21 | |
Yeah... | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
I wouldn't say... | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
It's sort of... | 0:12:28 | 0:12:29 | |
They... They want... you to beat them up... | 0:12:31 | 0:12:34 | |
..but I don't think they're beating you up. | 0:12:35 | 0:12:38 | |
Oh, really? | 0:12:38 | 0:12:39 | |
That's all right, then. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:42 | |
No. No, because... | 0:12:42 | 0:12:43 | |
Because they're getting, like, a...a thing out of it. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
What? What sort of thing out of it? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
Like... Well... | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
Like... | 0:12:56 | 0:12:57 | |
A sexual thing. | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
This really is not a good situation for me. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
A physical threat is something that I can deal with, | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
-Right, get your cakes out, you pair of fannies. -Go. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
What you got today, Dan? | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
-Victoria sponge, mate. Classic. -Oh, ho, ho! Lovely. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Oh, Dan, that's not bad at all. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
-Especially after your Battenberg disaster. -Cheers, Martin. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:44 | |
Right, Kurst, what's your offering today? | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
Well... | 0:13:48 | 0:13:49 | |
There she is, in all her glory. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
-Lemon drizzle. -What's this? | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
Is that shop-bought? | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
Yeah. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:00 | |
Sorry. | 0:14:02 | 0:14:03 | |
Look, I... | 0:14:03 | 0:14:04 | |
I did try and bake one myself, I did, | 0:14:04 | 0:14:06 | |
but I just can't do it. I can't bake. | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
Listen. | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
No baker gets it right the first time. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
That is the beauty of baking. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:15 | |
It's trial and error. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
Do you think Dan could have produced that exquisite Victoria sponge | 0:14:17 | 0:14:21 | |
without fucking up his Battenberg? | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
-No. -No way. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
I mean, even the great Mr Kipling | 0:14:25 | 0:14:26 | |
would admit to fucking up his first couple of Bakewells, right? | 0:14:26 | 0:14:29 | |
-Yeah, I suppose he would. -You need to get some more confidence, Kurst. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:32 | |
-Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:34 | |
Well, do you know what? I think... | 0:14:34 | 0:14:35 | |
I think I'll give it a bloody good go next time. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
I really will, and I can't thank you enough. You know? | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
-That's the right attitude. -Mm. -Yeah? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
-But remember, you've got to do the forfeit. -Oh, yeah. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
Well, what do you mean? | 0:14:46 | 0:14:47 | |
Well, you brought in a shop-bought, so you got to do a forfeit, mate. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
-That's the rules. -What forfeit? | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
Er... | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
-Slap that drink out that woman's hand. -Yeah, go on, Kursty, | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
-that'll redeem you. -No, that's Slugs, I know him. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
Yeah, but so what? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
It's just, I... | 0:15:02 | 0:15:03 | |
He's had a really hard time of it, he's had cancer. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
Oh, grow a pair, Kurst. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:07 | |
He ain't going to do it, Martin. He's a fanny, ain't he? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:09 | |
No, I ain't a fanny. I just... | 0:15:09 | 0:15:11 | |
Oh, fuck... | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
All right, Kurtan? | 0:15:12 | 0:15:13 | |
All right, Slugs, mate? | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
All right, mate, how's it going? | 0:15:20 | 0:15:21 | |
It's not good. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:24 | |
Really? What's wrong? | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
Just really low, mate. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:29 | |
Why? | 0:15:31 | 0:15:32 | |
Just found out Kayleigh's been sending messages | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
to other guys on Facebook. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
Shit. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:39 | |
Wh-What sort of messages? | 0:15:41 | 0:15:42 | |
Sexual, mostly. | 0:15:44 | 0:15:45 | |
Oh, God. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
So sorry to hear that, mate. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
Thanks. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:51 | |
-She said she doesn't know what she wants. -Yeah. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
-I'm going over there now to see if I can work things out. -Mm-hm. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Well, it will... It will work itself out, mate. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
-It's... It always... Yeah. -I hope so. | 0:16:02 | 0:16:05 | |
-Just really fucked in the head, mate. -Yeah. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:09 | |
-I don't know what to do. -Yeah. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:16:13 | 0:16:15 | |
That was good. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
Oh, nice one, Kurtan. Nice one, mate. | 0:16:17 | 0:16:19 | |
It's all right, it's all right. It's all right. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:25 | |
Well, Mandy very kindly offered to spend some time at my house | 0:16:25 | 0:16:28 | |
for protection and that. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:29 | |
She reckons it could be quite serious, | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
and it could be very dangerous. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
-Isn't that right? -Yeah. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:37 | |
Yeah, the reason I have offered to protect Kerry | 0:16:37 | 0:16:39 | |
is cos I used to be in exactly the same situation before, | 0:16:39 | 0:16:44 | |
cos I was a stalker for about three or four years, and... | 0:16:44 | 0:16:48 | |
It got really bad at one point, | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
cos they were starring in Jack And The Beanstalk | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
at the Everyman Theatre... | 0:16:53 | 0:16:54 | |
..I broke into their dressing room and just... | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
..I stole all their shoes and that. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
Police got involved. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
I thought you were stalked on. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
No, I was the stalker. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:08 | |
Oh. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:09 | |
Yeah, cos the more I loved them, the more they rejected me, | 0:17:09 | 0:17:13 | |
the more they rejected me, the more I wanted to kill 'em, see? | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
That's just love, I suppose. | 0:17:17 | 0:17:19 | |
Cheers, John. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:38 | |
Shut up! | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
Fuckin' hell! | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
Jesus. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:54 | |
Fuckin' hell! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
What did Sandra say? Oh, ho, ho! Did she found out? | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
Oh, fucking hell, really, though? | 0:18:09 | 0:18:10 | |
Right. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
TV: You lied to me, Mick. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:26 | |
I couldn't tell you any sooner, because you wasn't here. | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
I asked you. I asked you if you'd told me everything. | 0:18:31 | 0:18:35 | |
You kissed her twice, Mick. | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
I know. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:42 | |
You not going to go home, do you think? | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
-No. -No...? | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
I can't... I can't protect you from me house, can I? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
I'd be all right tonight. I'd be absolutely fine tonight. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
You say that. | 0:18:58 | 0:18:59 | |
You know that night's the most dangerous time, right? | 0:18:59 | 0:19:02 | |
Night-time was when I did all my business. | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
Who... Who was it that you did stalk? | 0:19:04 | 0:19:07 | |
I could... I'm not allowed to say who it actually is, | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
but I can tell you that it was a member of S Club 7 - | 0:19:10 | 0:19:12 | |
-but I can't tell you which one. -Really? | 0:19:12 | 0:19:15 | |
Was it Bradley? | 0:19:15 | 0:19:16 | |
-Bradley? -No. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:19 | |
-Paul? -No. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
-Jon's the other one. -No. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:25 | |
Tina? | 0:19:25 | 0:19:27 | |
No. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
-Jo? -No. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:32 | |
-Rachel Stevens. -No. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
Hannah Spearritt? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:40 | |
Yeah, go on, my son. Wahey, there we go. There we go. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:50 | |
-Fucking shots! -No...! -Yeah, let's do shots, come on! | 0:19:50 | 0:19:54 | |
I don't know, mate. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:55 | |
Come on, John. Get the shots out. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
-Dan, you'll have a shot! -I don't know, maybe I will, maybe I won't. | 0:19:57 | 0:20:00 | |
Come on! | 0:20:00 | 0:20:01 | |
-Maybe... -Do a shot! -He's doing it now, isn't he? | 0:20:01 | 0:20:04 | |
Come on, you big, bald fanny, do a shot! | 0:20:04 | 0:20:06 | |
Come on. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:07 | |
I don't mind getting them in. Honestly. You'll do one. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
Yeah? | 0:20:10 | 0:20:11 | |
-How about one down the social, yeah? -Absolutely, mate, yeah. | 0:20:11 | 0:20:14 | |
-Let's do it now. -Where we going? Social? | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
-Cheers, John, mate. -Yeah. See you, John. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
-All right, see you... See you tomorrow, lads. -Yeah, yeah. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:22 | |
Oh... Fuck. | 0:20:22 | 0:20:25 | |
Rack 'em up, then, John. | 0:20:25 | 0:20:27 | |
Fuckin' hell. | 0:20:27 | 0:20:28 | |
Quickly, mate! | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
Yeah. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:31 | |
Fuck, what a night, tonight. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:33 | |
Pint to pint with Martin Mucklowe. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
Absolutely battered last night. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
Can't wait for a debrief with the lads, as well. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
Cor! Last night was a random one, wasn't it?! | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
Cor. | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
Checked my phone this morning, | 0:20:59 | 0:21:01 | |
only text my ex about six times last night! | 0:21:01 | 0:21:03 | |
One of... One of them was a video of the crying for about 10 minutes. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
What a numpty. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
Can't even remember getting home, either. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:11 | |
So, you're not fit for work, then? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Well... We were all drinking last night. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:16 | |
-Ain't we all a bit worse for wear? -No. | 0:21:16 | 0:21:19 | |
I can metabolise a pint in five minutes. Dan in seven. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
You, on the other hand, were taking the piss out of me and my site, | 0:21:23 | 0:21:27 | |
and I've got two words for you, eh, Dan? | 0:21:27 | 0:21:30 | |
-See ya. -Yeah. See ya. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
What are you on about? | 0:21:32 | 0:21:33 | |
I don't work with clowns, I only work with kings. | 0:21:33 | 0:21:35 | |
What, y-you're... You're sacking me? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
What have I done? I haven't done anything wrong. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
-What have I done wrong? -Well... | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
Is this about me calling you a big, bald fanny last night? | 0:21:47 | 0:21:49 | |
Cos the atmosphere just totally changed after that. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:51 | |
Yeah, well, to be fair, mate, | 0:21:51 | 0:21:52 | |
-it was bang out of order, wasn't it? -Oh, my... | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
I knew it was. That... Do you know how sad that is? | 0:21:54 | 0:21:58 | |
That is so, actually, sad, that makes me so sad for you, | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
that you can't take a joke. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
That was just a joke, and you're sacking me for making a joke. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
That is... What am I going to do for work? | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Go to joke school. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:10 | |
Well, if I need to go to joke school, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
you need to go back to shagging school, then, mate. | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
-What do you mean? -Yeah. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:17 | |
I overheard your Sandra in the post office, | 0:22:17 | 0:22:18 | |
saying, yeah, you might have a big knob, | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
but you don't know what the bloody hell to do with it. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
-Right, that's it, you get off the site now. -I'm going, mate. | 0:22:22 | 0:22:25 | |
All the gear, no idea. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
I will not miss working for Martin Mucklowe. | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
He is a disturbed individual. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
Did you hear him say he got tossed off by his mother-in-law? | 0:22:37 | 0:22:41 | |
She's 86. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:42 | |
I'd rather shag Kerry's mum... | 0:22:44 | 0:22:46 | |
..and to think, he's done 'em both. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Yes! | 0:23:02 | 0:23:03 | |
Bakers... | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
KNOCK AT DOOR | 0:23:05 | 0:23:07 | |
Someone's here! | 0:23:07 | 0:23:08 | |
Whoa! | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
Are you all right? | 0:23:11 | 0:23:12 | |
-You was lucky. -Yeah. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:14 | |
Are you all right? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:17 | |
Yeah. | 0:23:17 | 0:23:18 | |
-How was work? -Oh... | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
-I got sacked. -Why? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
I really can't be arsed explaining about it now. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:25 | |
What are you playing? | 0:23:25 | 0:23:26 | |
Happy Families. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
Can I play? | 0:23:29 | 0:23:31 | |
Yeah, I've pretty much won this round, anyway. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:33 | |
What's the rules, again? | 0:23:38 | 0:23:39 | |
-Mandy makes up the rules each... -I don't make 'em up. -No. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:44 | |
-That's what they are. -Yeah. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:46 | |
-Two goes for the eldest... -Yeah. -Yeah. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:51 | |
Which is Mandy. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
Two cards - one, one, two. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
One, one, two. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
One, one, one, two. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
One, one, two. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
-One, one, two... -LETTERBOX RATTLES | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
Ooh, it's another letter! | 0:24:06 | 0:24:07 | |
This is it! Right! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:10 | |
MAN SHOUTS | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Get back, get back. | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
-Oh... -Here he is. -Dan?! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
-How are you doing, mate? -What the fuck?! | 0:24:15 | 0:24:17 | |
-Sit down! -I'm not... All right! Christ! | 0:24:17 | 0:24:20 | |
I was just coming by to give Kurtan the recipe for my Victoria sponge, | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
because I know how much he likes it. | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
What's this letter, then? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:26 | |
That's not... That's just... I mean... | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
"Dear Kerry, today I fantasised | 0:24:29 | 0:24:31 | |
"that you were dressed as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda, | 0:24:31 | 0:24:35 | |
"and you were trying out some new boxing gloves, | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
"and you didn't have a punchbag, | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
"so I let you try them out on my balls." | 0:24:40 | 0:24:43 | |
Fuck's sake! | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
This some sort of wankfest for you, is it? | 0:24:45 | 0:24:48 | |
Objectifying some poor girl for your own pleasure? | 0:24:48 | 0:24:51 | |
It ain't like that, right? | 0:24:51 | 0:24:52 | |
I wank over her as a compliment. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:54 | |
Right? I don't mean nothing by it. | 0:24:54 | 0:24:56 | |
Oh, it's a compliment, is it? | 0:24:56 | 0:24:57 | |
Kerry, how does it feel to have some dirty pervert wanking over you? | 0:24:57 | 0:25:02 | |
Er... | 0:25:04 | 0:25:05 | |
Well... | 0:25:10 | 0:25:11 | |
Like, the strength stuff's all right. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
I think that's quite good. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:14 | |
It's just the other stuff, | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
I really, really, really, really don't like it. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
All right, well, you know, I can respect that, and... | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
I think I just got a bit carried away with the whole thing. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
I wouldn't do it if I knew you didn't like it, you know? | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
Yeah. Cos, I mean, like the stuff about me being strong and that, | 0:25:26 | 0:25:30 | |
I don't mind... | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
That's the bit I don't mind. | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
-No... -So, that's quite good. -Yeah, it's all right. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:38 | |
-There's no harm in it, is there? Strength stuff. -No. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
-Can I just say one thing? -Yeah. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
-I didn't mind the strength stuff. -You didn't mind it? -No. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
-Well... Yeah, I... I'm with you on that. -Yeah, me, too. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
All right, then. Well... | 0:25:48 | 0:25:50 | |
-What if I was to write another letter, right? -Mm. -Right. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:52 | |
Bear with me. | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
Kerry's working in the garage, right? | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
Strongest girl in the whole garage, right? | 0:25:56 | 0:25:58 | |
She doesn't even need a jack to lift the car up, | 0:25:58 | 0:26:00 | |
she does everything by her hands. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:02 | |
-That is strong. -Proper strong. Right? | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
One day, Land Rover comes in, massive, right? Really heavy - | 0:26:04 | 0:26:07 | |
and you end up actually lifting it so high, | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
you lift the whole thing above your head, you're that strong. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
How's that? | 0:26:12 | 0:26:13 | |
That... That's the end of the story? | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
-Well, then, yeah. -That's good. -Yeah. -That's great. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:19 | |
-I think that's good, that's fine. -That's really good, that. | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
-Yeah. It's good... It's a good story about strength... -Yeah. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
..and there is nothing sexual, | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
-and I'm happy with that, if you are. -I'm happy, yeah. -Now I know - | 0:26:27 | 0:26:29 | |
cos I wouldn't write anything sexual about you. | 0:26:29 | 0:26:31 | |
Jesus, I don't want you coming round, beating me up. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:33 | |
-Yeah, we would beat you up. -We'd beat you up. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
Well, mainly Mandy, I know you're not really... | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
No, I would beat you up, as well. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
You're not really a fighter, are you? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
I am a fighter. That's what I live for. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:42 | |
-What, you've been in fights? -Yeah, I've been in fights. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
I was in a fight with Darren Macy at the bus...bus shelter. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
I grabbed him by the hood and just smashed his face into a wall. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:51 | |
So, if you ever send me a letter again, yeah, | 0:26:51 | 0:26:53 | |
I will absolutely batter you, mate. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:56 | |
-Oh, Ker, Ker, Ker... -What?! | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
-You've given him a stonk on. -Oh, my God. -Oh, Christ. -Well... | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
All right, let's get out of here. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
-All right! -Come on, you. -Christ, I'm going. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
-All right! -Get out, you dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting bastard. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:10 | |
All right, Christ! | 0:27:10 | 0:27:11 | |
Well, that was fucking weird. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:19 | |
Yeah. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
Are you all right? | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
I think so. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:24 | |
Do you want to play Happy Families? | 0:27:26 | 0:27:28 | |
-Yeah. -Yeah? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
-I'm so relieved all that is just finished with. -Yeah. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:44 | |
It's not even him, it was her. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
-Oh? -I just thought she'd never, ever leave. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:49 |