Threatening Letters This Country


Threatening Letters

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This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

0:00:020:00:06

There you go.

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That's a steal, that - 50 quid.

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Yeah, I just...

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Have you got the computer bit, as well?

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What do you mean? It's all in here.

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This is the monitor, so...

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..that's literally just the screen, and nothing else.

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Cos, normally, this thing comes with both of these, it's a computer -

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and that's the expensive bit, really, that's the main thing.

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Yeah. That's that.

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That's what that is.

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I just... I...

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Yeah... OK.

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Kurtan is not a natural negotiator,

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because he can't give a straight answer.

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That's why I go with him,

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because I'm not afraid to grab the bull by the horns

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and put the turkey on the table.

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-What are you looking at?

-Oh, nothing.

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Are you looking at my collection of Compare The Meerkats.com?

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Yeah.

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-Yeah, cos you've seen the adverts, haven't you?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

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Cos he's the main one, and he's a laugh.

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Right? But he's not the main one, but he's a laugh, in his own way.

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-Yeah.

-And I think that's why they get on so well,

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cos they're both such a laugh -

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but I just need the baby Oleg, now, and then the set's complete.

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-Yeah, yeah.

-You don't know anyone selling a baby Oleg, do you?

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-I don't...

-Don't, sorry.

-..know of anyone.

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-Can you keep your ear to the ground, please?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, def...

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-Absolutely.

-Definitely, definitely.

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Well?

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Yeah, I just...

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It's...

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The thing is, it's just not really what I'm looking for at the moment.

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I... I'd still take it off your ha-hands...

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..for a small fee - sort of, fiver or something.

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Higher than that, maybe, a little bit. Er...

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I mean, what do you...? What's fair?

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-50 would be...better.

-Yeah.

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Yeah.

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-50 quid!

-I know.

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It ain't worth 50p.

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You didn't help, either. Could have said something.

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-I did!

-Well, you know it's not...

-Did I not?

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-Yeah...

-I was about to.

-It's obvious there's no computer bit with this.

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-50 quid! You know it's not worth...

-Da! Da, Da!

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-All right, Da? All right, Da?

-All right.

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-Kurtan.

-Yeah?

-Got any work on?

-Er...no. Why?

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-I've got a job, if you fancy it.

-Er...

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-Well, I haven't got any work on.

-What sort of job?

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-Bit of labouring, heavy lifting and that.

-Yeah? Er...

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-I ain't got any work on.

-I dunno.

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Cash in hand.

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-Yeah, all right, then. Yeah, go on.

-Yeah.

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-I'll pick you up tomorrow at seven.

-Yeah, nice one.

-Yeah, I...

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-I haven't got any work on.

-Good, then.

-Yeah.

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-All right, see you, Da.

-Cheers, Mart.

-See you.

-All right.

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It would've been nice to work with my dad and the lads,

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but, if I'm honest,

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it's probably best I keep my head down at the moment, anyway.

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Basically, somebody's been sending me threatening letters,

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and I don't know who's doing it -

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and I am concerned, because my peripheral vision is poor,

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so, if somebody attacks me from the sides

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or snipes at me from an upstairs window, I am fucked -

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but my hearing is excellent, see?

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So, I just need to spend a few days inside honing my sonar,

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and I'll be fine, then.

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-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Mum, can I come in?

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Well, do you think you can go to the shop?

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Cos we're out of loo roll.

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I can't. What if I get attacked or something?

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SHE COUGHS

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I ain't worried about the physical nature of the job.

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I've done my fair share of physical stuff.

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The only thing I'm worried about

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is fucking spending the whole day with fucking Martin.

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A few rules.

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-No moaning, no complaining, no negative Nancies.

-OK.

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If you don't like the work, the circus is in town

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-and they're always looking for clowns.

-Right.

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-30 minutes for lunch.

-Right.

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-Any longer than that gets taken out of your wage packet...

-OK.

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..and every Tuesday's cake Tuesday,

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where you bring in a cake that you've baked

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-for us all to share.

-OK.

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Whoever has the least delicious cake

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has to buy the rounds in at the Keeper's.

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-Right, OK.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, that's fine.

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Sorry, Martin, just one more thing, mate.

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-Er... Your mug is your own responsibility...

-Right.

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..and if I find your dirty mug sitting in the van,

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I'll have absolutely no hesitation in smashing it in the road. Capeesh?

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Yeah. Understood.

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There you go.

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Just pop those next to the cement mixer.

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Jesus Christ.

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Kurtan's just going to drown like a pig in the sea.

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You know, it's all well and good him doing this job,

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but if they start taking the piss out of his nan or his birthmark,

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his soul is just going to crumble to dust.

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Christ, you watch the Swindon game last night?

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Course I did.

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What a joke.

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Some of them are not fit to wear the shirt, I say.

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Ker said to me, she goes, "You know that Luke Norris?"

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She goes, "He gets paid two grand to play football."

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I said to her, "He doesn't get paid two grand to play football,

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"He gets paid two grand to fall on his arse the whole game."

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-Sorry, Kursty, can I just have a word, mate?

-Yeah.

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Martin don't like it when other people make jokes on the site.

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-He's the only one who is allowed to make the jokes on-site.

-Right. OK.

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So, that's that... and, on top of the joke,

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never, ever joke about Swindon Football Club, ever.

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-Especially Luke Norris.

-Right.

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Cos Martin used to play darts with his dad,

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-and he basically sees Luke like a son.

-OK.

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So, if you ever think of any other jokes, come to me, tell me,

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and I'll pass them on to Martin,

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and let you know if you find some funny or not, all right?

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Yeah. That's fine.

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Cheers, Dan.

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A hard hat may protect you from a falling brick,

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but it will not protect you from banter.

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You don't need a hard hat, you need a hard heart.

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Do you want a cup of tea, Kurst?

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Oh, I'd bloody love one. Cheers, Dan, mate.

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Where's your mug, then?

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Oh, shit.

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I left it in the van.

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Oh...

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Sweep that up, Kurst.

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Yep.

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Sort it out, Kursty.

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Got another letter today,

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and I think it's the worst of the lot.

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I'm no closer to finding out who it is, either.

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It's pretty scary, cos they're coming through my door,

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which means they probably know where I live.

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KNOCK AT DOOR

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Oh, all right, Mand?

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All right, Ker?

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Yeah, just thought I'd let you know, I've got the baby Oleg, now,

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from a smoke-free home and a pet-free home,

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so, the set's complete,

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if you want to come round and have a look at 'em,

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cos I remember you saying how much you like the set, didn't you?

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Oh, yeah, cheers, Mand.

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-You all right?

-Yeah.

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What's the matter with your face?

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Have you gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, or what?

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No, I ain't gone off Compare The Meerkats.com, I just...

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I should hope not - I've come all the way over here,

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cos you said about the baby Oleg, and I thought you was interested.

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-Yeah, no, I am - I am really interested in Oleg.

-Right.

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What's the matter, then?

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"Dear Kerry, I cannot stop fantasising about you.

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"My latest was the best.

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"I'm cleaning out my shed when you come in and tell me

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"you want to sand down a chair leg,

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"so you use my mouth as a vice and tell me I cannot breathe.

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"I breathe involuntarily to stay alive,

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"and you punch me in the lungs and tell me how pathetic I am."

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The sick, sick bastard.

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It's just... I don't know what to do, Mand.

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It's all right, I'll help you.

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We'll find him, yeah? And we're going to fuck him up.

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You'll be safe with me, Ker.

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Oh, cheers, Mand.

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That's all right, that's what I do.

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HE STRAINS

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Oh, dear! Oh, God...

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Oh, no...

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OK...

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Oh, dear.

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Oh, God. Oh, God.

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CLATTERING

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No, no...

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No.

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No, that's bad.

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HE STRAINS

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Ooh...

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And...

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..out it goes.

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That's it.

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Just like that.

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Right. Next load.

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-Just a quick question, Kursty.

-Yes.

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Are you going to do it like that every time?

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-I-I shouldn't think so, no.

-Right.

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OK.

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-MANDY:

-Look at this.

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Whoa.

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I never leave the house without a pair of these.

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"Why?" You ask.

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Well, this is why.

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That's...

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-..really good.

-See that?

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Pure martial arts.

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-Yah! Like that.

-Yeah.

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Do a defence, or...

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-..you can do a punching...

-SHE LAUGHS

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"Yeah, whatever, all right, mate, yeah..."

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-Yeah.

-Yah! Like that. Don't worry, I've got me range.

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-Yeah.

-I've got me range.

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-What am I going to do now? Defence, or punch?

-I don't know.

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We don't know, we don't know.

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It's a punch! Whaa!

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And I can get quite close to you.

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Yes.

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Yeah.

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I ain't struggling. No.

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I made a few mistakes, yeah, but it's my first day...

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See you tomorrow.

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..and the relentless windups don't help, either -

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cos Martin and Dan, they had me looking for tartan paint

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for about 45 minutes today.

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I should've known, after the tartan paint, that he was having me on,

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cos I spent another 20 minutes looking for striped paint.

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It took me half an hour to work out that...it's the same joke.

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Oh, for fuck's sake!

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I can't present that tomorrow.

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-Oh... They'll annihilate me.

-That is sunken as hell.

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You may as well just stuff your face with it, Ker.

0:10:540:10:56

Nah, you're all right.

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-Look, if you want the

-ganache,

-you'll have to frost it yourself.

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-The mix is in the bowl...

-Mm.

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-.but I ain't doing it for you, all right?

-Nah, I'm just not hungry.

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What?

0:11:050:11:07

What?

0:11:070:11:08

-What's wrong?

-Nothing.

0:11:100:11:12

You're off your food, and that worries me greatly.

0:11:120:11:15

"Dear Kerry, I often see you around the village.

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"I have been having intense fantasies about you

0:11:260:11:29

"that I feel I must share with you.

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"My dream is that you come over to mine in your Swindon shirt.

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"You come in to fix my washing machine, and you are all sweaty

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"cos you have been playing football in the park.

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"You smell of BO...

0:11:430:11:44

"..but I don't mind.

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"You are so strong, your hands are like spanners.

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"You lift me above your head

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"and throw me to the other side of the room,

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"and smash me against the wall.

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"We arm wrestle, and when you beat me, you tell me how pathetic I am.

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"I give you my belt to whip me with,

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"and my trousers fall down,

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"and you laugh at my genitals."

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Threatening, innit?

0:12:140:12:15

Yeah.

0:12:170:12:18

-That's...

-They want to beat me up, don't they?

0:12:180:12:21

Yeah...

0:12:230:12:25

I wouldn't say...

0:12:250:12:26

It's sort of...

0:12:280:12:29

They... They want... you to beat them up...

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..but I don't think they're beating you up.

0:12:350:12:38

Oh, really?

0:12:380:12:39

That's all right, then.

0:12:410:12:42

No. No, because...

0:12:420:12:43

Because they're getting, like, a...a thing out of it.

0:12:460:12:50

What? What sort of thing out of it?

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Like... Well...

0:12:530:12:56

Like...

0:12:560:12:57

A sexual thing.

0:12:570:12:59

This really is not a good situation for me.

0:13:020:13:05

A physical threat is something that I can deal with,

0:13:050:13:08

but a sexual thing is not my area of expertise.

0:13:080:13:11

-Right, get your cakes out, you pair of fannies.

-Go.

0:13:210:13:24

What you got today, Dan?

0:13:240:13:26

-Victoria sponge, mate. Classic.

-Oh, ho, ho! Lovely.

0:13:260:13:28

Oh, Dan, that's not bad at all.

0:13:370:13:40

-Especially after your Battenberg disaster.

-Cheers, Martin.

0:13:400:13:44

Right, Kurst, what's your offering today?

0:13:450:13:48

Well...

0:13:480:13:49

There she is, in all her glory.

0:13:490:13:52

-Lemon drizzle.

-What's this?

0:13:520:13:54

Is that shop-bought?

0:13:550:13:56

Yeah.

0:13:590:14:00

Sorry.

0:14:020:14:03

Look, I...

0:14:030:14:04

I did try and bake one myself, I did,

0:14:040:14:06

but I just can't do it. I can't bake.

0:14:060:14:08

Listen.

0:14:080:14:10

No baker gets it right the first time.

0:14:100:14:13

That is the beauty of baking.

0:14:130:14:15

It's trial and error.

0:14:150:14:17

Do you think Dan could have produced that exquisite Victoria sponge

0:14:170:14:21

without fucking up his Battenberg?

0:14:210:14:23

-No.

-No way.

0:14:230:14:25

I mean, even the great Mr Kipling

0:14:250:14:26

would admit to fucking up his first couple of Bakewells, right?

0:14:260:14:29

-Yeah, I suppose he would.

-You need to get some more confidence, Kurst.

0:14:290:14:32

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:14:320:14:34

Well, do you know what? I think...

0:14:340:14:35

I think I'll give it a bloody good go next time.

0:14:350:14:37

I really will, and I can't thank you enough. You know?

0:14:370:14:41

-That's the right attitude.

-Mm.

-Yeah?

0:14:410:14:43

-But remember, you've got to do the forfeit.

-Oh, yeah.

0:14:430:14:46

Well, what do you mean?

0:14:460:14:47

Well, you brought in a shop-bought, so you got to do a forfeit, mate.

0:14:470:14:50

-That's the rules.

-What forfeit?

0:14:500:14:52

Er...

0:14:520:14:54

-Slap that drink out that woman's hand.

-Yeah, go on, Kursty,

0:14:540:14:58

-that'll redeem you.

-No, that's Slugs, I know him.

0:14:580:15:00

Yeah, but so what?

0:15:000:15:02

It's just, I...

0:15:020:15:03

He's had a really hard time of it, he's had cancer.

0:15:030:15:05

Oh, grow a pair, Kurst.

0:15:050:15:07

He ain't going to do it, Martin. He's a fanny, ain't he?

0:15:070:15:09

No, I ain't a fanny. I just...

0:15:090:15:11

Oh, fuck...

0:15:110:15:12

All right, Kurtan?

0:15:120:15:13

All right, Slugs, mate?

0:15:140:15:16

All right, mate, how's it going?

0:15:200:15:21

It's not good.

0:15:230:15:24

Really? What's wrong?

0:15:240:15:27

Just really low, mate.

0:15:280:15:29

Why?

0:15:310:15:32

Just found out Kayleigh's been sending messages

0:15:340:15:36

to other guys on Facebook.

0:15:360:15:38

Shit.

0:15:380:15:39

Wh-What sort of messages?

0:15:410:15:42

Sexual, mostly.

0:15:440:15:45

Oh, God.

0:15:460:15:48

So sorry to hear that, mate.

0:15:480:15:50

Thanks.

0:15:500:15:51

-She said she doesn't know what she wants.

-Yeah.

0:15:530:15:56

-I'm going over there now to see if I can work things out.

-Mm-hm.

0:15:560:15:59

Well, it will... It will work itself out, mate.

0:15:590:16:02

-It's... It always... Yeah.

-I hope so.

0:16:020:16:05

-Just really fucked in the head, mate.

-Yeah.

0:16:050:16:09

-I don't know what to do.

-Yeah.

0:16:090:16:11

THEY LAUGH

0:16:130:16:15

That was good.

0:16:150:16:17

Oh, nice one, Kurtan. Nice one, mate.

0:16:170:16:19

It's all right, it's all right. It's all right.

0:16:220:16:25

Well, Mandy very kindly offered to spend some time at my house

0:16:250:16:28

for protection and that.

0:16:280:16:29

She reckons it could be quite serious,

0:16:300:16:32

and it could be very dangerous.

0:16:320:16:34

-Isn't that right?

-Yeah.

0:16:340:16:37

Yeah, the reason I have offered to protect Kerry

0:16:370:16:39

is cos I used to be in exactly the same situation before,

0:16:390:16:44

cos I was a stalker for about three or four years, and...

0:16:440:16:48

It got really bad at one point,

0:16:480:16:50

cos they were starring in Jack And The Beanstalk

0:16:500:16:53

at the Everyman Theatre...

0:16:530:16:54

..I broke into their dressing room and just...

0:16:550:16:57

..I stole all their shoes and that.

0:16:570:16:59

Police got involved.

0:17:000:17:02

I thought you were stalked on.

0:17:040:17:06

No, I was the stalker.

0:17:060:17:08

Oh.

0:17:080:17:09

Yeah, cos the more I loved them, the more they rejected me,

0:17:090:17:13

the more they rejected me, the more I wanted to kill 'em, see?

0:17:130:17:16

That's just love, I suppose.

0:17:170:17:19

Cheers, John.

0:17:370:17:38

Shut up!

0:17:440:17:46

Fuckin' hell!

0:17:510:17:53

Jesus.

0:17:530:17:54

Fuckin' hell!

0:18:010:18:03

What did Sandra say? Oh, ho, ho! Did she found out?

0:18:030:18:06

Oh, fucking hell, really, though?

0:18:090:18:10

Right.

0:18:140:18:16

TV: You lied to me, Mick.

0:18:240:18:26

I couldn't tell you any sooner, because you wasn't here.

0:18:270:18:31

I asked you. I asked you if you'd told me everything.

0:18:310:18:35

You kissed her twice, Mick.

0:18:380:18:41

I know.

0:18:410:18:42

You not going to go home, do you think?

0:18:450:18:47

-No.

-No...?

0:18:470:18:49

I can't... I can't protect you from me house, can I?

0:18:510:18:54

I'd be all right tonight. I'd be absolutely fine tonight.

0:18:540:18:58

You say that.

0:18:580:18:59

You know that night's the most dangerous time, right?

0:18:590:19:02

Night-time was when I did all my business.

0:19:020:19:04

Who... Who was it that you did stalk?

0:19:040:19:07

I could... I'm not allowed to say who it actually is,

0:19:070:19:10

but I can tell you that it was a member of S Club 7 -

0:19:100:19:12

-but I can't tell you which one.

-Really?

0:19:120:19:15

Was it Bradley?

0:19:150:19:16

-Bradley?

-No.

0:19:180:19:19

-Paul?

-No.

0:19:190:19:21

-Jon's the other one.

-No.

0:19:230:19:25

Tina?

0:19:250:19:27

No.

0:19:270:19:28

-Jo?

-No.

0:19:300:19:32

-Rachel Stevens.

-No.

0:19:350:19:37

Hannah Spearritt?

0:19:380:19:40

Yeah, go on, my son. Wahey, there we go. There we go.

0:19:460:19:50

-Fucking shots!

-No...!

-Yeah, let's do shots, come on!

0:19:500:19:54

I don't know, mate.

0:19:540:19:55

Come on, John. Get the shots out.

0:19:550:19:57

-Dan, you'll have a shot!

-I don't know, maybe I will, maybe I won't.

0:19:570:20:00

Come on!

0:20:000:20:01

-Maybe...

-Do a shot!

-He's doing it now, isn't he?

0:20:010:20:04

Come on, you big, bald fanny, do a shot!

0:20:040:20:06

Come on.

0:20:060:20:07

I don't mind getting them in. Honestly. You'll do one.

0:20:070:20:10

Yeah?

0:20:100:20:11

-How about one down the social, yeah?

-Absolutely, mate, yeah.

0:20:110:20:14

-Let's do it now.

-Where we going? Social?

0:20:140:20:16

-Cheers, John, mate.

-Yeah. See you, John.

0:20:160:20:18

-All right, see you... See you tomorrow, lads.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:20:180:20:22

Oh... Fuck.

0:20:220:20:25

Rack 'em up, then, John.

0:20:250:20:27

Fuckin' hell.

0:20:270:20:28

Quickly, mate!

0:20:280:20:30

Yeah.

0:20:300:20:31

Fuck, what a night, tonight.

0:20:310:20:33

Pint to pint with Martin Mucklowe.

0:20:330:20:36

Absolutely battered last night.

0:20:450:20:47

Can't wait for a debrief with the lads, as well.

0:20:490:20:51

Cor! Last night was a random one, wasn't it?!

0:20:530:20:56

Cor.

0:20:580:20:59

Checked my phone this morning,

0:20:590:21:01

only text my ex about six times last night!

0:21:010:21:03

One of... One of them was a video of the crying for about 10 minutes.

0:21:030:21:06

What a numpty.

0:21:060:21:08

Can't even remember getting home, either.

0:21:090:21:11

So, you're not fit for work, then?

0:21:110:21:13

Well... We were all drinking last night.

0:21:140:21:16

-Ain't we all a bit worse for wear?

-No.

0:21:160:21:19

I can metabolise a pint in five minutes. Dan in seven.

0:21:190:21:23

You, on the other hand, were taking the piss out of me and my site,

0:21:230:21:27

and I've got two words for you, eh, Dan?

0:21:270:21:30

-See ya.

-Yeah. See ya.

0:21:300:21:32

What are you on about?

0:21:320:21:33

I don't work with clowns, I only work with kings.

0:21:330:21:35

What, y-you're... You're sacking me?

0:21:370:21:40

What have I done? I haven't done anything wrong.

0:21:400:21:42

-What have I done wrong?

-Well...

0:21:420:21:44

Is this about me calling you a big, bald fanny last night?

0:21:470:21:49

Cos the atmosphere just totally changed after that.

0:21:490:21:51

Yeah, well, to be fair, mate,

0:21:510:21:52

-it was bang out of order, wasn't it?

-Oh, my...

0:21:520:21:54

I knew it was. That... Do you know how sad that is?

0:21:540:21:58

That is so, actually, sad, that makes me so sad for you,

0:21:580:22:01

that you can't take a joke.

0:22:010:22:03

That was just a joke, and you're sacking me for making a joke.

0:22:030:22:06

That is... What am I going to do for work?

0:22:060:22:08

Go to joke school.

0:22:080:22:10

Well, if I need to go to joke school,

0:22:110:22:13

you need to go back to shagging school, then, mate.

0:22:130:22:15

-What do you mean?

-Yeah.

0:22:150:22:17

I overheard your Sandra in the post office,

0:22:170:22:18

saying, yeah, you might have a big knob,

0:22:180:22:20

but you don't know what the bloody hell to do with it.

0:22:200:22:22

-Right, that's it, you get off the site now.

-I'm going, mate.

0:22:220:22:25

All the gear, no idea.

0:22:250:22:27

I will not miss working for Martin Mucklowe.

0:22:320:22:34

He is a disturbed individual.

0:22:340:22:36

Did you hear him say he got tossed off by his mother-in-law?

0:22:370:22:41

She's 86.

0:22:410:22:42

I'd rather shag Kerry's mum...

0:22:440:22:46

..and to think, he's done 'em both.

0:22:470:22:49

Yes!

0:23:020:23:03

Bakers...

0:23:030:23:05

KNOCK AT DOOR

0:23:050:23:07

Someone's here!

0:23:070:23:08

Whoa!

0:23:090:23:11

Are you all right?

0:23:110:23:12

-You was lucky.

-Yeah.

0:23:120:23:14

Are you all right?

0:23:160:23:17

Yeah.

0:23:170:23:18

-How was work?

-Oh...

0:23:180:23:20

-I got sacked.

-Why?

0:23:200:23:23

I really can't be arsed explaining about it now.

0:23:230:23:25

What are you playing?

0:23:250:23:26

Happy Families.

0:23:260:23:29

Can I play?

0:23:290:23:31

Yeah, I've pretty much won this round, anyway.

0:23:310:23:33

What's the rules, again?

0:23:380:23:39

-Mandy makes up the rules each...

-I don't make 'em up.

-No.

0:23:390:23:44

-That's what they are.

-Yeah.

0:23:440:23:46

-Two goes for the eldest...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:23:470:23:51

Which is Mandy.

0:23:510:23:53

Two cards - one, one, two.

0:23:530:23:56

One, one, two.

0:23:560:23:58

One, one, one, two.

0:23:580:24:01

One, one, two.

0:24:010:24:04

-One, one, two...

-LETTERBOX RATTLES

0:24:040:24:06

Ooh, it's another letter!

0:24:060:24:07

This is it! Right!

0:24:090:24:10

MAN SHOUTS

0:24:100:24:12

Get back, get back.

0:24:120:24:13

-Oh...

-Here he is.

-Dan?!

0:24:130:24:15

-How are you doing, mate?

-What the fuck?!

0:24:150:24:17

-Sit down!

-I'm not... All right! Christ!

0:24:170:24:20

I was just coming by to give Kurtan the recipe for my Victoria sponge,

0:24:200:24:23

because I know how much he likes it.

0:24:230:24:25

What's this letter, then?

0:24:250:24:26

That's not... That's just... I mean...

0:24:260:24:28

"Dear Kerry, today I fantasised

0:24:290:24:31

"that you were dressed as Miss Trunchbull from Matilda,

0:24:310:24:35

"and you were trying out some new boxing gloves,

0:24:350:24:38

"and you didn't have a punchbag,

0:24:380:24:40

"so I let you try them out on my balls."

0:24:400:24:43

Fuck's sake!

0:24:430:24:45

This some sort of wankfest for you, is it?

0:24:450:24:48

Objectifying some poor girl for your own pleasure?

0:24:480:24:51

It ain't like that, right?

0:24:510:24:52

I wank over her as a compliment.

0:24:520:24:54

Right? I don't mean nothing by it.

0:24:540:24:56

Oh, it's a compliment, is it?

0:24:560:24:57

Kerry, how does it feel to have some dirty pervert wanking over you?

0:24:570:25:02

Er...

0:25:040:25:05

Well...

0:25:100:25:11

Like, the strength stuff's all right.

0:25:110:25:13

I think that's quite good.

0:25:130:25:14

It's just the other stuff,

0:25:140:25:16

I really, really, really, really don't like it.

0:25:160:25:19

All right, well, you know, I can respect that, and...

0:25:190:25:22

I think I just got a bit carried away with the whole thing.

0:25:220:25:24

I wouldn't do it if I knew you didn't like it, you know?

0:25:240:25:26

Yeah. Cos, I mean, like the stuff about me being strong and that,

0:25:260:25:30

I don't mind...

0:25:300:25:32

That's the bit I don't mind.

0:25:320:25:34

-No...

-So, that's quite good.

-Yeah, it's all right.

0:25:340:25:38

-There's no harm in it, is there? Strength stuff.

-No.

0:25:380:25:40

-Can I just say one thing?

-Yeah.

0:25:400:25:42

-I didn't mind the strength stuff.

-You didn't mind it?

-No.

0:25:420:25:45

-Well... Yeah, I... I'm with you on that.

-Yeah, me, too.

0:25:450:25:48

All right, then. Well...

0:25:480:25:50

-What if I was to write another letter, right?

-Mm.

-Right.

0:25:500:25:52

Bear with me.

0:25:520:25:54

Kerry's working in the garage, right?

0:25:540:25:56

Strongest girl in the whole garage, right?

0:25:560:25:58

She doesn't even need a jack to lift the car up,

0:25:580:26:00

she does everything by her hands.

0:26:000:26:02

-That is strong.

-Proper strong. Right?

0:26:020:26:04

One day, Land Rover comes in, massive, right? Really heavy -

0:26:040:26:07

and you end up actually lifting it so high,

0:26:070:26:09

you lift the whole thing above your head, you're that strong.

0:26:090:26:12

How's that?

0:26:120:26:13

That... That's the end of the story?

0:26:130:26:15

-Well, then, yeah.

-That's good.

-Yeah.

-That's great.

0:26:160:26:19

-I think that's good, that's fine.

-That's really good, that.

0:26:190:26:22

-Yeah. It's good... It's a good story about strength...

-Yeah.

0:26:220:26:25

..and there is nothing sexual,

0:26:250:26:27

-and I'm happy with that, if you are.

-I'm happy, yeah.

-Now I know -

0:26:270:26:29

cos I wouldn't write anything sexual about you.

0:26:290:26:31

Jesus, I don't want you coming round, beating me up.

0:26:310:26:33

-Yeah, we would beat you up.

-We'd beat you up.

0:26:330:26:35

Well, mainly Mandy, I know you're not really...

0:26:350:26:37

No, I would beat you up, as well.

0:26:370:26:39

You're not really a fighter, are you?

0:26:390:26:41

I am a fighter. That's what I live for.

0:26:410:26:42

-What, you've been in fights?

-Yeah, I've been in fights.

0:26:420:26:45

I was in a fight with Darren Macy at the bus...bus shelter.

0:26:450:26:48

I grabbed him by the hood and just smashed his face into a wall.

0:26:480:26:51

So, if you ever send me a letter again, yeah,

0:26:510:26:53

I will absolutely batter you, mate.

0:26:530:26:56

-Oh, Ker, Ker, Ker...

-What?!

0:26:560:26:59

-You've given him a stonk on.

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, Christ.

-Well...

0:26:590:27:03

All right, let's get out of here.

0:27:030:27:04

-All right!

-Come on, you.

-Christ, I'm going.

0:27:040:27:06

-All right!

-Get out, you dirty, dirty, dirty, disgusting bastard.

0:27:060:27:10

All right, Christ!

0:27:100:27:11

Well, that was fucking weird.

0:27:170:27:19

Yeah.

0:27:190:27:21

Are you all right?

0:27:210:27:23

I think so.

0:27:230:27:24

Do you want to play Happy Families?

0:27:260:27:28

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

0:27:280:27:30

-I'm so relieved all that is just finished with.

-Yeah.

0:27:390:27:44

It's not even him, it was her.

0:27:440:27:46

-Oh?

-I just thought she'd never, ever leave.

0:27:460:27:49

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