Minor Injuries This Country


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Minor Injuries

Mockumentary. Kurtan tries to make a pilgrimage to Swindon to buy new clothes. Kerry helps the vicar run the local football practice.


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This programme contains strong language.

0:00:020:00:09

WOMAN SCREAMING

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Mum gets night terrors when she sleeps during the day.

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But, like, she's literally,

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like, that close to falling off her bed as well.

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But apparently you can't wake them up

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when they're having night terrors,

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because they can have a heart attack, or even worse,

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they could foul themselves.

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MUMBLING, LOUD THUMP

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Shit!

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MUMBLING CONTINUES

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Oh, it's all right, she's still asleep.

0:00:420:00:44

Hello. Hi.

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Um, yeah, I need the timetable for the 51 bus, please.

0:00:510:00:55

-51?

-Yup.

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51...

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-VOICEOVER:

-So, tomorrow I'm going to TK Maxx

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in Swindon, and I have to go tomorrow

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cos it's the first Saturday of the month,

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and that's when all the new stock is released.

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And if I leave it any later, it'll just be the dregs left.

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But getting there is an absolute nightmare.

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Right. Right.

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Down.

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Oh, fuck me, it's like Crystal Maze!

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Cos these places can't afford to pay people,

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they get any old fuck-up to come in and volunteer,

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and no-one can have a go at them for fucking it up

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because they're fucking it up for free.

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That's, that's...

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..opening times at Bird Land.

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You should know that, cos there are two penguins on the front.

0:01:330:01:36

Oh, yeah.

0:01:360:01:38

Um, is there anyone here who works for money, that I could...?

0:01:380:01:41

-Oh, only me, I'm afraid.

-Right.

0:01:410:01:43

-Ooh, Len!

-What?

-Len, you don't know about the bus, do you?

0:01:430:01:47

-It's fine...

-The bus? What bus?

-It's fine.

-The 51.

-Don't...

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-Honestly, don't get him involved, it's fine...

-The 51?

0:01:500:01:53

-Good luck with that, mate.

-Well done.

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-No-one ever catches the 51.

-Yeah, OK.

-You can't get it.

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Yes, I think there is a strain on local services in the village.

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There's certainly a lack of funding.

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-You could be waiting for hours to get the 51...

-OK.

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-..and it won't come.

-Thanks for nothing. All right, bye.

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And as a village, we have had to rely on volunteers,

0:02:090:02:13

who, may I add, are all absolutely fantastic.

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Oh, fuck's sake!

0:02:190:02:20

All right, I've got football training this morning.

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Basically, every Saturday for the last few weeks,

0:02:230:02:25

the vicar's started footy practice at the park.

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And he's letting me help him run it.

0:02:280:02:30

Fuck! Where's my England shirt?

0:02:320:02:35

Mum! Mum!

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Where's me England shirt?

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Me England shirt. I can't find it.

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Oh, shut up! I haven't.

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I haven't done that.

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Just...don't listen.

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Just...

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..stupid.

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I don't fancy Cain Dingle.

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I just respect him, because he's the only one in his family

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who's got his head screwed on.

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Aah.

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We, er, did have a few sports clubs in the village,

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but sadly the funding stopped and the clubs ended,

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so, er, I've tried to get things going again by helping

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organise some football training.

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I know how important it is to get young people active.

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Kerry, if you don't mind distributing those,

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that would be great.

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Just to remind you, remember the instep, trap, pass.

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Trap, pass.

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-VOICEOVER:

-Although I don't consider myself

0:03:480:03:50

much of a sportsman these days,

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I was quite a handy goal attack in my university netball team.

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I, um, I-I had the nickname Fiery Francis,

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because I had a bit of a temper on court.

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Thankfully, I don't have to get a bus to go to Swindon now

0:04:090:04:12

to go to TK Maxx.

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Vicar said he'll drop me off after football practice.

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To be honest, I don't know why anyone bothers

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going to that football practice. It's a freak show.

0:04:190:04:23

MOBILE PHONE CHIMES

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Hello?

0:04:240:04:25

What's happened?

0:04:260:04:28

Ohh! Typical.

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Absolutely typical. Yeah, all right.

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I'm coming now.

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Something's happened with Kerry at football, so...

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..I'd better go.

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What happened?

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Pork Chop absolutely KO'd me.

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No, she slipped awkwardly on the grass.

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She's, she's in agony, I'm taking her to A&E...

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Pork Chop basically slide tackled me for absolutely no reason.

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Now I actually can't feel my leg.

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Well, we'll just drop her off first, then, shall we?

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And then go to TK Maxx.

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I can't even think about that right now, Kurtan.

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I'm just getting the car, just stay there.

0:05:060:05:07

-All right?

-You all right?

-No.

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What happened?

0:05:090:05:11

It was Pork Chop.

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And Slugs.

0:05:120:05:14

But he slide tackled me...

0:05:140:05:16

..out of spite, because I was scoring too many goals.

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I think I'm going into shock, Kurtan.

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I'm in so much pain!

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Kerry has a very low pain threshold,

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but a very high emotional pain threshold.

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Like, I've been with her when she's knocked on her dad's door

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and you can hear him inside going, "Shit! It's Kerry! Hide!"

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and literally nothing from her, not even a tear.

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But Kerry physically can't deal with pain.

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OK.

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I really don't think we've got to go to A&E, though.

0:05:480:05:51

-Look, we do, Kurtan, actually.

-I really don't think she needs...

0:05:510:05:53

Kurtan, I'm going to need your help, all right?

0:05:530:05:55

One, two, three, and lift!

0:05:550:05:57

KERRY GASPS

0:05:570:05:59

-Vicar! Your finger's going up my arsehole, mate.

-Sorry, sorry.

0:05:590:06:02

-Swivel round, and just put your bottom in first...

-OK, OK.

0:06:020:06:05

I'll hold the back of your head, so you don't bash yourself.

0:06:050:06:07

There we go, you're in. Well done, Kerry. Well done.

0:06:070:06:10

Well done, Kerry.

0:06:100:06:12

-I have to go to TK Maxx today.

-Look, Kurtan, not now.

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I can't go tomorrow, can't go next day.

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You did say, though, didn't you?

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-That I could go to TK Maxx today...

-Kurtan, not now.

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All right? Can you just get in the back, please? Please, come on.

0:06:210:06:25

Vicar!

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Vicar!

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Vicar, oi!

0:06:330:06:35

-What is it, Len?

-You can't be driving on here.

0:06:370:06:40

Yes, I know, but actually, if you can see...

0:06:400:06:42

You can't be driving on here, Vicar.

0:06:420:06:43

I'm aware of that, Len, it's an emergency.

0:06:430:06:45

Well, emergency or no emergency,

0:06:450:06:46

old Graham's not going to be happy, his tarmac...

0:06:460:06:49

-SHOUTING:

-Oh, for goodness' sake, Len, just move on!

0:06:490:06:51

Excuse me. Mind yourself.

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I can't believe you shouted at Len!

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Yes, well...

0:07:030:07:04

That was brutal!

0:07:040:07:06

He looked like he was going to cry.

0:07:070:07:09

OK, take it slowly, Kerry. You're doing really well.

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There we are.

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OK, just...

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..just a few more.

0:07:230:07:24

Hello, somebody been in the wars?

0:07:240:07:26

Yeah, me.

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OK, can I take your name, love?

0:07:280:07:30

Kerry Mucklowe.

0:07:300:07:32

Kerry... And how are we spelling that?

0:07:320:07:34

M-U-C-K-L-O-W-E.

0:07:340:07:37

OK. And what's the symptoms, what's the matter?

0:07:370:07:40

Um, I basically smashed my leg to smithereens.

0:07:400:07:43

Well, maybe, we don't know yet.

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I can't feel it. It's just from about there to about there.

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And it's completely swollen as well.

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It might be a fracture, but we don't...

0:07:500:07:51

All right, if you want to go and take a seat in the waiting room,

0:07:510:07:54

love, we'll get someone to come and see you as soon as we can.

0:07:540:07:57

-OK, thank you.

-Thank you. Now, take it slowly, Kerry.

0:07:570:08:00

That's it. There we go.

0:08:000:08:02

KERRY GASPS IN PAIN

0:08:020:08:03

Yeah, how soon do you think that will be?

0:08:030:08:06

What, till she's seen? Well, we'll go as quick as we can,

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so it will depend how many people are in there and, you know,

0:08:090:08:12

the urgent cases, they will take priority.

0:08:120:08:15

Sort of roughly...?

0:08:150:08:16

-As soon as we can, my love, all right?

-All right, yep.

0:08:160:08:20

Yeah, nice...

0:08:200:08:21

Gareth Williams, please?

0:08:350:08:38

Thank you. >

0:08:380:08:39

So, um...

0:08:400:08:41

Why?

0:08:510:08:52

What's that mean?

0:08:570:08:58

So, will you get in trouble?

0:09:050:09:07

But it did happen at football training.

0:09:130:09:15

So you want me to lie?

0:09:240:09:25

Mmm...

0:09:290:09:31

What do you think God will think about that?

0:09:350:09:37

No, he won't. He won't.

0:09:450:09:47

Ugh! Fine.

0:09:540:09:56

But when I lie in future, I don't want a massive lecture on how bad

0:09:560:09:59

lying is, cos deep down, you're the worst of us all, mate.

0:09:590:10:02

-Fine, fine.

-Yep?

-Right, I've got to check on the parking.

0:10:020:10:05

OK. Sorry.

0:10:050:10:07

Stay there, it's all right.

0:10:070:10:08

Just one thing.

0:10:080:10:10

Just so you know - the clock is ticking

0:10:100:10:12

and the best bargains are probably being snapped up as we speak.

0:10:120:10:16

TK Maxx.

0:10:160:10:18

Kurtan, I'm really sorry, I...

0:10:180:10:19

..I can't think about that right now.

0:10:190:10:21

We've got to just concentrate on Kerry.

0:10:210:10:23

-We've got to look after her, we've got to stay with her...

-I know.

0:10:230:10:26

I asked you about going to TK Maxx before she got...

0:10:260:10:28

I've got to do the parking meter, all right?

0:10:280:10:30

Can we... Can we just have this conversation a bit later?

0:10:300:10:33

Will you look after Kerry?

0:10:330:10:34

See if she needs a drink or something.

0:10:340:10:36

Right? Sorry...

0:10:360:10:37

I'd quite like a Coke.

0:10:370:10:39

If that's all right.

0:10:410:10:42

-VICAR:

-I do enjoy spending time with Kerry and Kurtan,

0:10:450:10:48

although sometimes they do act a little bit younger than their years,

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and that can be...challenging.

0:10:520:10:54

-Are you getting a signal in here?

-What?

0:10:580:11:00

-Are you getting a signal in here?

-Why, who are you calling?

0:11:000:11:02

-Levi.

-Why?

0:11:020:11:04

All right, Levi?

0:11:080:11:09

You'll never guess where I am.

0:11:090:11:11

Hospital, yeah.

0:11:110:11:13

Basically smashed my leg to fuck.

0:11:130:11:15

No, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,

0:11:160:11:18

but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do.

0:11:180:11:21

Yeah.

0:11:210:11:22

It's going to be like gluing a breadstick back together, because...

0:11:220:11:25

Like, as if a breadstick's been in a blender and it's all...

0:11:250:11:29

..the pieces smashed up.

0:11:290:11:31

Yeah.

0:11:310:11:32

Yeah, spread the word, won't you, yeah?

0:11:320:11:35

All right, cheers, mate. See you.

0:11:350:11:37

All right, Fries? You'll never guess where I am.

0:11:520:11:55

Hospital, yeah.

0:11:550:11:57

Yeah, I basically just smashed my leg to fuck.

0:11:570:12:00

Yeah, well, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,

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but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do about it.

0:12:030:12:06

Yeah.

0:12:060:12:08

It's going to be like gluing back a breadstick after it's been

0:12:080:12:10

in a blender, innit?

0:12:100:12:12

Yeah.

0:12:120:12:14

All right, you spread the word for me, yeah?

0:12:140:12:16

All right, cheers, mate.

0:12:160:12:18

Yeah, see you. Bye.

0:12:180:12:20

The trouble with my lifestyle is, I pick up a lot of injuries.

0:12:260:12:29

But I use that to my advantage.

0:12:290:12:31

Like, there's one time I started a fight club in the village hall,

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and I got a black eye from beating myself up.

0:12:350:12:38

But it made my enemies think,

0:12:380:12:39

"Fuck, if she can do that to herself,

0:12:390:12:42

"what the fuck can she do to me?"

0:12:420:12:43

It's an absolute nightmare, there's literally no parking spaces.

0:12:460:12:49

I've been driving round for the last 20 minutes,

0:12:490:12:51

had to leave it in a disabled parking bay.

0:12:510:12:53

Um, have you, er, have you been seen yet?

0:12:530:12:56

-No.

-Have they asked you any questions?

0:12:560:12:59

Oh, chill out, I'm not going to rat you out

0:12:590:13:01

-for not having any insurance!

-Sh, sh, sh, sh!

0:13:010:13:04

Right, right, OK, I'm going to move the car. Back in a sec.

0:13:040:13:06

His arsehole's like that.

0:13:110:13:12

Yeah, it is.

0:13:120:13:13

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:13:190:13:22

All right, Big Job?

0:13:260:13:28

Yeah, you'll never guess where I am.

0:13:280:13:30

KURTAN SIGHS Hospital.

0:13:300:13:32

Oh, you heard?

0:13:320:13:34

-Yeah, I just absolutely smashed my leg to fuck...

-Oh, fuck off!

0:13:340:13:38

Well, I don't know, I think I've...

0:13:380:13:40

..I'm absolutely 1,000% sure I've broken it in two places,

0:13:400:13:44

but we'll just have to see what the X-ray results come back as.

0:13:440:13:47

Yeah.

0:13:480:13:49

Well, I was just saying, it's like...

0:13:490:13:51

..you know, gluing a breadstick back together

0:13:510:13:53

after it's been in a blender.

0:13:530:13:55

All right, well, you spread the word for me, yeah?

0:13:550:13:58

All right, cheers, mate.

0:13:580:13:59

-Oh, God.

-What?

0:14:000:14:02

-The vicar.

-What about him?

0:14:030:14:05

-He has lost his head.

-Why?

0:14:050:14:08

You have to see this. He's having a go at a traffic warden. Fuck me!

0:14:080:14:11

-He's having a breakdown.

-What?

0:14:130:14:15

I knew this day would come.

0:14:150:14:16

He has genuinely lost it.

0:14:160:14:18

He has lost his mind!

0:14:180:14:20

-I'll tell you what that is.

-What?

0:14:200:14:22

-Horn rage.

-What's horn rage?

0:14:220:14:23

If a bloke doesn't get rid of his dirty water on a regular basis,

0:14:230:14:26

you get horn rage. Me and Kurt used to get it.

0:14:260:14:28

We used to smash car wing mirrors on the way home

0:14:290:14:32

after a night on the lash if we hadn't pulled.

0:14:320:14:34

It's worse for the vicar as well, because he's got massive nuts.

0:14:350:14:38

The vicar, right, he will have you believe he is all sweetness

0:14:400:14:43

and light. But in reality, he can really lose his shit.

0:14:430:14:46

Yeah, like this one time, he drove me and Kurtan

0:14:460:14:48

to Burford Wildlife Park, and Kurtan just looked in the vicar's ear

0:14:480:14:52

-and went, "Eugh, wax cave."

-Yeah, it was.

0:14:520:14:54

And the vicar was so furious, he literally picked up a road atlas

0:14:540:14:58

and thwacked Kurtan with it.

0:14:580:15:01

And Kurtan phoned the police.

0:15:010:15:02

-It was assault.

-Mm.

0:15:040:15:06

Oh, are you joking me?

0:15:220:15:24

Don't whack it.

0:15:240:15:25

Fuck, it's just taken my money.

0:15:250:15:27

Fuck's sake!

0:15:270:15:28

I shouldn't even be here.

0:15:300:15:32

I should be in TK Maxx, getting the bargains that I deserve.

0:15:320:15:34

Oh, why are you so obsessed with TK Maxx anyway?

0:15:340:15:37

Cos unlike you, Kerry, I'm not a fashion disaster.

0:15:370:15:40

I'm not a fashion disaster.

0:15:400:15:42

-You are!

-Am not.

0:15:420:15:43

Everyone thinks you are. You know, would it kill you

0:15:430:15:46

for one World Cup to buy an official England shirt?

0:15:460:15:49

This IS an official England shirt.

0:15:490:15:51

No! No.

0:15:510:15:53

Kerry, how many lions are on the shirt?

0:15:530:15:56

Four.

0:15:560:15:57

Yeah, and what's the famous song called,

0:15:570:15:59

about having lions on your shirt?

0:15:590:16:01

-Three Lions On A Shirt.

-Thank you.

0:16:010:16:03

Kerry ain't into fashion, as you can tell.

0:16:050:16:08

You know, a lot of effort goes into the way I look.

0:16:080:16:11

She looks an explosion in an unofficial merchandise factory.

0:16:120:16:15

Right, if you want to wait for a minute...

0:16:220:16:24

-Oh, shit.

-What?

-Fuck, it's my ex.

0:16:240:16:26

Oh, fuck. Did she see me?

0:16:280:16:30

I don't know. I don't think she did, no.

0:16:300:16:33

She's going to want to get back with me as well.

0:16:330:16:35

That is so embarrassing.

0:16:350:16:37

Fuck.

0:16:380:16:39

-What's she doing?

-Who's that?

0:16:390:16:41

-That's her...

-What the f...?

0:16:430:16:45

-That's her boyfriend.

-No!

0:16:450:16:47

That is. He just kissed her.

0:16:470:16:48

-He did!

-I cannot believe that.

0:16:490:16:52

-Can't believe that.

-What?

-No, it's...

0:16:520:16:55

I'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer.

0:16:550:16:58

You didn't want to get back with her anyway, did you?

0:16:580:17:00

No, I didn't want to get back with her, but that's not the point.

0:17:000:17:03

The point is she's moved on so fast. It's only been five weeks.

0:17:030:17:07

You know, it took me ten years to get over Kirsty Taylor,

0:17:070:17:09

and I only went out with her for half a day.

0:17:090:17:12

The problem with Kurtan and Kirsty Taylor was it was

0:17:120:17:15

a case of right person, wrong time.

0:17:150:17:17

Kurtan was ready to settle down and give her all of his heart,

0:17:180:17:22

but Kirsty was right in the middle of her SATs,

0:17:220:17:24

and she had her cycling proficiency coming up.

0:17:240:17:27

So her head was all over the shop.

0:17:270:17:29

Oh! I cannot believe that.

0:17:350:17:37

What?

0:17:370:17:38

Soph and her new boyfriend became friends on Facebook

0:17:400:17:43

when I was still going out with her.

0:17:430:17:46

That is...

0:17:460:17:48

F...

0:17:480:17:49

That tells you everything, doesn't it?

0:17:490:17:51

The guy was trying to worm his way in from then.

0:17:510:17:55

-Shit.

-What a...

0:17:550:17:57

What a snake in the grass.

0:17:570:17:59

That is F...

0:17:590:18:00

I swear to God, if I see him here again, I swear to God I will have no

0:18:020:18:06

hesitation in just going up to him, and just planting one on his face.

0:18:060:18:09

-I will, honestly. I will tear his head off.

-Yeah.

0:18:090:18:12

Don't even care. Don't care at all.

0:18:120:18:14

Excuse me.

0:18:140:18:16

What?

0:18:160:18:17

Could you keep it down, please?

0:18:170:18:19

-Sorry, do you work here?

-No.

0:18:190:18:22

Right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah?

0:18:220:18:24

Nosey old cock womble.

0:18:240:18:26

-She's absolutely livid.

-Kerry Mucklowe.

0:18:310:18:33

-Yes.

-Hi, Kerry. We're going to take you down for an X-ray now.

0:18:330:18:36

-OK.

-All right, take your time.

0:18:360:18:38

OK.

0:18:400:18:41

I'll give you a hand. Up you come.

0:18:410:18:44

Of course you can, Kerry. Be quick.

0:18:440:18:47

-Take your time.

-Mm-hm.

0:18:470:18:49

-Oi, Kurtan.

-All right, Mand?

0:18:530:18:55

You being rude to my mum?

0:18:550:18:57

The problem with living in a village like this is

0:18:570:18:59

that you're always bumping into the local nut jobs.

0:18:590:19:02

No-one knows where they stand with Mandy,

0:19:020:19:04

because she is so unpredictable.

0:19:040:19:06

-You've been rude to my mum.

-No.

0:19:060:19:08

-Oh, my mum's a liar, then, is she?

-No.

0:19:080:19:10

-So you HAVE been rude to my mum?

-Yeah... No.

0:19:100:19:14

Oh, is this...? Is this about keeping it down?

0:19:140:19:16

Yeah, she's crying her eyes out out there.

0:19:160:19:19

So I ain't leaving here until you tell me

0:19:190:19:21

word by word what you just said to my mum.

0:19:210:19:24

HE EXHALES SHARPLY

0:19:260:19:28

-I was just chatting.

-Yeah?

0:19:280:19:31

-Quietly.

-She said you was chatting loudly.

0:19:310:19:34

Well, could have been, I suppose.

0:19:340:19:36

OK, well, which one was it, then? Quietly, or loudly?

0:19:360:19:39

-Loudly.

-Go on.

0:19:390:19:40

And then I...

0:19:410:19:42

I just said, "Oh, sorry, do you work here?"

0:19:420:19:47

Because I thought maybe she might have been one of the nurses.

0:19:470:19:49

-And what did she say?

-She...

0:19:490:19:52

She didn't really say anything, she just walked off.

0:19:520:19:54

And that was that, really. And it's... Mm-hm.

0:19:540:19:56

I think you might be missing something.

0:19:590:20:02

Er...

0:20:020:20:04

Don't think... No, don't think so.

0:20:040:20:05

-No?

-That was it, yeah.

-Yeah?

-Mm.

0:20:050:20:08

No, I think you might have said something else.

0:20:080:20:10

Er...

0:20:110:20:13

Well, I...

0:20:130:20:15

I can't really remember what I said now.

0:20:150:20:17

Oh, so you DID say something else?

0:20:170:20:18

Yeah.

0:20:210:20:22

What did you say, Kurtan?

0:20:250:20:26

And I want it word by word.

0:20:320:20:34

I called her...

0:20:380:20:40

Yeah?

0:20:400:20:41

-..a nosey...

-Yeah?

0:20:440:20:46

-..old...

-Yeah?

0:20:480:20:49

-..cock...

-Yeah?

0:20:510:20:53

..womble.

0:20:540:20:55

Here, I'm just messing with you!

0:21:040:21:07

I'm just joking!

0:21:070:21:09

That's not really my mum!

0:21:090:21:10

MANDY LAUGHS

0:21:120:21:14

-That wasn't your mum?

-No, I just heard that

0:21:140:21:17

nosey old cock womble complaining about you at reception.

0:21:170:21:20

And I thought it was funny, I thought, "I know what I'll do -

0:21:200:21:22

"I'll go in there and wind him up, and have a laugh with him!"

0:21:220:21:25

Oh!

0:21:260:21:27

Mandy's attitude to me is puzzling.

0:21:270:21:30

If I walk past her in the street and say, "Hi,"

0:21:300:21:32

she'll tell me to fuck off.

0:21:320:21:34

Yet every year, she sends me a really sweet, nice Christmas card.

0:21:340:21:39

You know, there's just no consistency there.

0:21:390:21:41

How's Kerry, then? She all right?

0:21:410:21:42

She's fine, yeah, she just hurt her leg.

0:21:420:21:44

-She's just having an X-ray done.

-Oh, bless her.

0:21:440:21:46

Well, listen, you take care and send her my love, yeah?

0:21:460:21:49

Thank you.

0:22:020:22:04

Yep, OK...

0:22:160:22:17

Oh, God. Oh, no. Kerry, Kerry, I'm so, so sorry.

0:22:170:22:21

-The X-ray came back.

-Oh, no, it's broken.

0:22:210:22:25

No, it's not broken. She's going to be fine.

0:22:250:22:26

-Not broken?

-No.

0:22:260:22:28

It's very badly bruised.

0:22:280:22:30

And I asked if I could have a cast or if I could have crutches,

0:22:300:22:32

and they said no.

0:22:320:22:34

Thank the Lord! It's not broken!

0:22:340:22:37

It's not broken. Thank you so much, thank you.

0:22:370:22:40

-No problem.

-What does she need to do?

0:22:400:22:42

Just a bit of elevation, lots of rest.

0:22:420:22:44

-Yes, you said.

-Thank you.

0:22:440:22:46

-So she'll be good.

-Wonderful. Let's get you home.

0:22:460:22:48

-Take care. Bye-bye, Kerry.

-Thank you. Bye!

-Bye!

0:22:480:22:50

Badly bruised. I could have told you that six hours ago.

0:22:500:22:53

I know. It's good to get it checked, though.

0:22:530:22:55

Absolute waste of a day!

0:22:550:22:56

-All right?

-Hi.

-All right?

0:22:580:23:00

He's good-looking up close, isn't he?

0:23:100:23:13

Shut up!

0:23:130:23:14

What?

0:23:270:23:29

What?!

0:23:290:23:30

Yeah, I told you I wasn't lying. It's the sodium in it.

0:23:420:23:45

Golden Dragon!

0:23:510:23:53

Worst thing the vicar could ever have done

0:23:550:23:57

is told me he hadn't got any insurance.

0:23:570:24:00

I've got him right here.

0:24:000:24:01

Made him get me that.

0:24:030:24:04

And tomorrow, he's taking me and Kurtan to Wookey Hole.

0:24:060:24:10

And he's giving us £5 each to spunk on the fruit machines

0:24:100:24:12

at the service station on the way down there.

0:24:120:24:14

Don't show me any weakness, because I will take advantage.

0:24:180:24:21

It's what I do.

0:24:240:24:25

DANCE MUSIC PLAYING

0:24:340:24:36

Got what you wanted, did you?

0:24:440:24:46

Mm?

0:24:460:24:47

Now you've made me look like a prat.

0:24:470:24:49

I think it really suits you.

0:24:520:24:54

KURTAN SCOFFS

0:24:540:24:55

The devil doesn't come in a cloak and pointy horns.

0:24:570:25:01

He wears knitwear and drives a Golf.

0:25:010:25:03

It's the first Saturday of the month and Kurtan tries to make a pilgrimage to Swindon to buy the new clothes of the season. However, engineering works on the bus route and a lack of alternative transport options disrupt his plans. Meanwhile, Kerry helps the vicar run the local football practice.