Mockumentary. Kurtan tries to make a pilgrimage to Swindon to buy new clothes. Kerry helps the vicar run the local football practice.
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This programme contains strong language.
Mum gets night terrors when she sleeps during the day.
But, like, she's literally,
like, that close to falling off her bed as well.
But apparently you can't wake them up
when they're having night terrors,
because they can have a heart attack, or even worse,
they could foul themselves.
MUMBLING, LOUD THUMP
Oh, it's all right, she's still asleep.
Um, yeah, I need the timetable for the 51 bus, please.
-So, tomorrow I'm going to TK Maxx
in Swindon, and I have to go tomorrow
cos it's the first Saturday of the month,
and that's when all the new stock is released.
And if I leave it any later, it'll just be the dregs left.
But getting there is an absolute nightmare.
Oh, fuck me, it's like Crystal Maze!
Cos these places can't afford to pay people,
they get any old fuck-up to come in and volunteer,
and no-one can have a go at them for fucking it up
because they're fucking it up for free.
..opening times at Bird Land.
You should know that, cos there are two penguins on the front.
Um, is there anyone here who works for money, that I could...?
-Oh, only me, I'm afraid.
-Len, you don't know about the bus, do you?
-The bus? What bus?
-Honestly, don't get him involved, it's fine...
-Good luck with that, mate.
-No-one ever catches the 51.
-You can't get it.
Yes, I think there is a strain on local services in the village.
There's certainly a lack of funding.
-You could be waiting for hours to get the 51...
-..and it won't come.
-Thanks for nothing. All right, bye.
And as a village, we have had to rely on volunteers,
who, may I add, are all absolutely fantastic.
Oh, fuck's sake!
All right, I've got football training this morning.
Basically, every Saturday for the last few weeks,
the vicar's started footy practice at the park.
And he's letting me help him run it.
Fuck! Where's my England shirt?
Where's me England shirt?
Me England shirt. I can't find it.
Oh, shut up! I haven't.
I haven't done that.
I don't fancy Cain Dingle.
I just respect him, because he's the only one in his family
who's got his head screwed on.
We, er, did have a few sports clubs in the village,
but sadly the funding stopped and the clubs ended,
so, er, I've tried to get things going again by helping
organise some football training.
I know how important it is to get young people active.
Kerry, if you don't mind distributing those,
that would be great.
Just to remind you, remember the instep, trap, pass.
-Although I don't consider myself
much of a sportsman these days,
I was quite a handy goal attack in my university netball team.
I, um, I-I had the nickname Fiery Francis,
because I had a bit of a temper on court.
Thankfully, I don't have to get a bus to go to Swindon now
to go to TK Maxx.
Vicar said he'll drop me off after football practice.
To be honest, I don't know why anyone bothers
going to that football practice. It's a freak show.
MOBILE PHONE CHIMES
Absolutely typical. Yeah, all right.
I'm coming now.
Something's happened with Kerry at football, so...
..I'd better go.
Pork Chop absolutely KO'd me.
No, she slipped awkwardly on the grass.
She's, she's in agony, I'm taking her to A&E...
Pork Chop basically slide tackled me for absolutely no reason.
Now I actually can't feel my leg.
Well, we'll just drop her off first, then, shall we?
And then go to TK Maxx.
I can't even think about that right now, Kurtan.
I'm just getting the car, just stay there.
-You all right?
It was Pork Chop.
But he slide tackled me...
..out of spite, because I was scoring too many goals.
I think I'm going into shock, Kurtan.
I'm in so much pain!
Kerry has a very low pain threshold,
but a very high emotional pain threshold.
Like, I've been with her when she's knocked on her dad's door
and you can hear him inside going, "Shit! It's Kerry! Hide!"
and literally nothing from her, not even a tear.
But Kerry physically can't deal with pain.
I really don't think we've got to go to A&E, though.
-Look, we do, Kurtan, actually.
-I really don't think she needs...
Kurtan, I'm going to need your help, all right?
One, two, three, and lift!
-Vicar! Your finger's going up my arsehole, mate.
-Swivel round, and just put your bottom in first...
I'll hold the back of your head, so you don't bash yourself.
There we go, you're in. Well done, Kerry. Well done.
Well done, Kerry.
-I have to go to TK Maxx today.
-Look, Kurtan, not now.
I can't go tomorrow, can't go next day.
You did say, though, didn't you?
-That I could go to TK Maxx today...
-Kurtan, not now.
All right? Can you just get in the back, please? Please, come on.
-What is it, Len?
-You can't be driving on here.
Yes, I know, but actually, if you can see...
You can't be driving on here, Vicar.
I'm aware of that, Len, it's an emergency.
Well, emergency or no emergency,
old Graham's not going to be happy, his tarmac...
-Oh, for goodness' sake, Len, just move on!
Excuse me. Mind yourself.
I can't believe you shouted at Len!
That was brutal!
He looked like he was going to cry.
OK, take it slowly, Kerry. You're doing really well.
There we are.
..just a few more.
Hello, somebody been in the wars?
OK, can I take your name, love?
Kerry... And how are we spelling that?
OK. And what's the symptoms, what's the matter?
Um, I basically smashed my leg to smithereens.
Well, maybe, we don't know yet.
I can't feel it. It's just from about there to about there.
And it's completely swollen as well.
It might be a fracture, but we don't...
All right, if you want to go and take a seat in the waiting room,
love, we'll get someone to come and see you as soon as we can.
-OK, thank you.
-Thank you. Now, take it slowly, Kerry.
That's it. There we go.
KERRY GASPS IN PAIN
Yeah, how soon do you think that will be?
What, till she's seen? Well, we'll go as quick as we can,
so it will depend how many people are in there and, you know,
the urgent cases, they will take priority.
Sort of roughly...?
-As soon as we can, my love, all right?
-All right, yep.
Gareth Williams, please?
Thank you. >
What's that mean?
So, will you get in trouble?
But it did happen at football training.
So you want me to lie?
What do you think God will think about that?
No, he won't. He won't.
But when I lie in future, I don't want a massive lecture on how bad
lying is, cos deep down, you're the worst of us all, mate.
-Right, I've got to check on the parking.
Stay there, it's all right.
Just one thing.
Just so you know - the clock is ticking
and the best bargains are probably being snapped up as we speak.
Kurtan, I'm really sorry, I...
..I can't think about that right now.
We've got to just concentrate on Kerry.
-We've got to look after her, we've got to stay with her...
I asked you about going to TK Maxx before she got...
I've got to do the parking meter, all right?
Can we... Can we just have this conversation a bit later?
Will you look after Kerry?
See if she needs a drink or something.
I'd quite like a Coke.
If that's all right.
-I do enjoy spending time with Kerry and Kurtan,
although sometimes they do act a little bit younger than their years,
and that can be...challenging.
-Are you getting a signal in here?
-Are you getting a signal in here?
-Why, who are you calling?
All right, Levi?
You'll never guess where I am.
Basically smashed my leg to fuck.
No, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do.
It's going to be like gluing a breadstick back together, because...
Like, as if a breadstick's been in a blender and it's all...
..the pieces smashed up.
Yeah, spread the word, won't you, yeah?
All right, cheers, mate. See you.
All right, Fries? You'll never guess where I am.
Yeah, I basically just smashed my leg to fuck.
Yeah, well, I'm just waiting for an X-ray,
but fuck knows what the doctor's going to be able to do about it.
It's going to be like gluing back a breadstick after it's been
in a blender, innit?
All right, you spread the word for me, yeah?
All right, cheers, mate.
Yeah, see you. Bye.
The trouble with my lifestyle is, I pick up a lot of injuries.
But I use that to my advantage.
Like, there's one time I started a fight club in the village hall,
and I got a black eye from beating myself up.
But it made my enemies think,
"Fuck, if she can do that to herself,
"what the fuck can she do to me?"
It's an absolute nightmare, there's literally no parking spaces.
I've been driving round for the last 20 minutes,
had to leave it in a disabled parking bay.
Um, have you, er, have you been seen yet?
-Have they asked you any questions?
Oh, chill out, I'm not going to rat you out
-for not having any insurance!
-Sh, sh, sh, sh!
Right, right, OK, I'm going to move the car. Back in a sec.
His arsehole's like that.
Yeah, it is.
MOBILE PHONE RINGS
All right, Big Job?
Yeah, you'll never guess where I am.
KURTAN SIGHS Hospital.
Oh, you heard?
-Yeah, I just absolutely smashed my leg to fuck...
-Oh, fuck off!
Well, I don't know, I think I've...
..I'm absolutely 1,000% sure I've broken it in two places,
but we'll just have to see what the X-ray results come back as.
Well, I was just saying, it's like...
..you know, gluing a breadstick back together
after it's been in a blender.
All right, well, you spread the word for me, yeah?
All right, cheers, mate.
-What about him?
-He has lost his head.
You have to see this. He's having a go at a traffic warden. Fuck me!
-He's having a breakdown.
I knew this day would come.
He has genuinely lost it.
He has lost his mind!
-I'll tell you what that is.
-What's horn rage?
If a bloke doesn't get rid of his dirty water on a regular basis,
you get horn rage. Me and Kurt used to get it.
We used to smash car wing mirrors on the way home
after a night on the lash if we hadn't pulled.
It's worse for the vicar as well, because he's got massive nuts.
The vicar, right, he will have you believe he is all sweetness
and light. But in reality, he can really lose his shit.
Yeah, like this one time, he drove me and Kurtan
to Burford Wildlife Park, and Kurtan just looked in the vicar's ear
-and went, "Eugh, wax cave."
-Yeah, it was.
And the vicar was so furious, he literally picked up a road atlas
and thwacked Kurtan with it.
And Kurtan phoned the police.
-It was assault.
Oh, are you joking me?
Don't whack it.
Fuck, it's just taken my money.
I shouldn't even be here.
I should be in TK Maxx, getting the bargains that I deserve.
Oh, why are you so obsessed with TK Maxx anyway?
Cos unlike you, Kerry, I'm not a fashion disaster.
I'm not a fashion disaster.
Everyone thinks you are. You know, would it kill you
for one World Cup to buy an official England shirt?
This IS an official England shirt.
Kerry, how many lions are on the shirt?
Yeah, and what's the famous song called,
about having lions on your shirt?
-Three Lions On A Shirt.
Kerry ain't into fashion, as you can tell.
You know, a lot of effort goes into the way I look.
She looks an explosion in an unofficial merchandise factory.
Right, if you want to wait for a minute...
-Fuck, it's my ex.
Oh, fuck. Did she see me?
I don't know. I don't think she did, no.
She's going to want to get back with me as well.
That is so embarrassing.
-What's she doing?
-What the f...?
-That's her boyfriend.
That is. He just kissed her.
-I cannot believe that.
-Can't believe that.
I'm still warm in my grave, and she's sucking off the pallbearer.
You didn't want to get back with her anyway, did you?
No, I didn't want to get back with her, but that's not the point.
The point is she's moved on so fast. It's only been five weeks.
You know, it took me ten years to get over Kirsty Taylor,
and I only went out with her for half a day.
The problem with Kurtan and Kirsty Taylor was it was
a case of right person, wrong time.
Kurtan was ready to settle down and give her all of his heart,
but Kirsty was right in the middle of her SATs,
and she had her cycling proficiency coming up.
So her head was all over the shop.
Oh! I cannot believe that.
Soph and her new boyfriend became friends on Facebook
when I was still going out with her.
That tells you everything, doesn't it?
The guy was trying to worm his way in from then.
What a snake in the grass.
That is F...
I swear to God, if I see him here again, I swear to God I will have no
hesitation in just going up to him, and just planting one on his face.
-I will, honestly. I will tear his head off.
Don't even care. Don't care at all.
Could you keep it down, please?
-Sorry, do you work here?
Right, then keep your nose out of my business, yeah?
Nosey old cock womble.
-She's absolutely livid.
-Hi, Kerry. We're going to take you down for an X-ray now.
-All right, take your time.
I'll give you a hand. Up you come.
Of course you can, Kerry. Be quick.
-Take your time.
-All right, Mand?
You being rude to my mum?
The problem with living in a village like this is
that you're always bumping into the local nut jobs.
No-one knows where they stand with Mandy,
because she is so unpredictable.
-You've been rude to my mum.
-Oh, my mum's a liar, then, is she?
-So you HAVE been rude to my mum?
Oh, is this...? Is this about keeping it down?
Yeah, she's crying her eyes out out there.
So I ain't leaving here until you tell me
word by word what you just said to my mum.
HE EXHALES SHARPLY
-I was just chatting.
-She said you was chatting loudly.
Well, could have been, I suppose.
OK, well, which one was it, then? Quietly, or loudly?
And then I...
I just said, "Oh, sorry, do you work here?"
Because I thought maybe she might have been one of the nurses.
-And what did she say?
She didn't really say anything, she just walked off.
And that was that, really. And it's... Mm-hm.
I think you might be missing something.
Don't think... No, don't think so.
-That was it, yeah.
No, I think you might have said something else.
I can't really remember what I said now.
Oh, so you DID say something else?
What did you say, Kurtan?
And I want it word by word.
I called her...
Here, I'm just messing with you!
I'm just joking!
That's not really my mum!
-That wasn't your mum?
-No, I just heard that
nosey old cock womble complaining about you at reception.
And I thought it was funny, I thought, "I know what I'll do -
"I'll go in there and wind him up, and have a laugh with him!"
Mandy's attitude to me is puzzling.
If I walk past her in the street and say, "Hi,"
she'll tell me to fuck off.
Yet every year, she sends me a really sweet, nice Christmas card.
You know, there's just no consistency there.
How's Kerry, then? She all right?
She's fine, yeah, she just hurt her leg.
-She's just having an X-ray done.
-Oh, bless her.
Well, listen, you take care and send her my love, yeah?
Oh, God. Oh, no. Kerry, Kerry, I'm so, so sorry.
-The X-ray came back.
-Oh, no, it's broken.
No, it's not broken. She's going to be fine.
It's very badly bruised.
And I asked if I could have a cast or if I could have crutches,
and they said no.
Thank the Lord! It's not broken!
It's not broken. Thank you so much, thank you.
-What does she need to do?
Just a bit of elevation, lots of rest.
-Yes, you said.
-So she'll be good.
-Wonderful. Let's get you home.
-Take care. Bye-bye, Kerry.
-Thank you. Bye!
Badly bruised. I could have told you that six hours ago.
I know. It's good to get it checked, though.
Absolute waste of a day!
He's good-looking up close, isn't he?
Yeah, I told you I wasn't lying. It's the sodium in it.
Worst thing the vicar could ever have done
is told me he hadn't got any insurance.
I've got him right here.
Made him get me that.
And tomorrow, he's taking me and Kurtan to Wookey Hole.
And he's giving us £5 each to spunk on the fruit machines
at the service station on the way down there.
Don't show me any weakness, because I will take advantage.
It's what I do.
DANCE MUSIC PLAYING
Got what you wanted, did you?
Now you've made me look like a prat.
I think it really suits you.
The devil doesn't come in a cloak and pointy horns.
He wears knitwear and drives a Golf.
It's the first Saturday of the month and Kurtan tries to make a pilgrimage to Swindon to buy the new clothes of the season. However, engineering works on the bus route and a lack of alternative transport options disrupt his plans. Meanwhile, Kerry helps the vicar run the local football practice.