Homing Together

Why is wood so heavy?

Well, rest it on your hip.

Well, I'm not a circus seal, Mum.

Oh, should I stick the standing lamp on me neb as well, while I'm at it?

It'll be worth it when you see how I want it.

Your father has no idea.

GLASS SMASHES

Oh, crap it!

Oh? Oh, God, what?

-I've crapped it!

-Oh, dear.

Oh, what a crap!

Oh, yes. Oh, dear.

Aw! You've smashed Mammy.

Oh, God, this is bad!

OK, well, let's just keep calm.

I'm really going to get this, aren't I?

I'm really going to get it right up the arse!

Well, you don't really smash Mammy and get away with it.

-Oh, everything was looking up, Maeve.

-Oh, is the marriage off the rocks?

-We didn't hate each other any more, we'd upgraded.

-Yeah, that's good.

Mild disdain - it's the elixir of a long marriage, Maeve.

OK, don't panic. I mean, it's...

Mammy was in the Falklands. You realise that, don't you, Maeve?

Mammy sat in the Captain's Mess.

She's been to war, she's fought for our bloody freedoms!

Yeah. Just a clock, obviously, but, yeah.

Oh, you know what he's like, though.

It's the only thing he's got of his mother's.

Now, do we have a plan for this? It's sort of giving me the willies.

We'll take it to Haggards, this arvo. Get it fixed.

-They do clocks.

-SING-SONG GREETING

-Hide it, quickly!

-What?

-Put it in the chopsticks drawer.

-The what?

We've got a chopsticks drawer. They are free, Maeve, all right?!

# And through it all, she offers me protection

# A lotta love and affection

# Whether I'm right or wrong... #

Please, don't... don't, Mum!

# And down the waterfall, wherever it may take me... #

Point being, I've got a girlfriend. It's official.

Stick it in the Times, telephone Obama, take an ad out in Loot.

We're together. Also, I've invited her round for lunch, Ma,

so sort that out, will you? Oh, I'm going to brainstorm a menu now.

# And through... #

# Through it all she offers me protection

# A lot of love and affection

# La la, la la la. #

Yeah, it feels really good. Officially a couple.

It's really weird. It's been quite hard-going, moving down,

but I guess it's all kind of working out.

-And have you told him about your police conviction yet?

-Um, no.

Thanks for immediately bringing that up.

I have practised saying it, but it always sounds bad.

-Well, go on, then.

-"Hi, Tom."

-I know what you mean.

-Well, I haven't started yet.

-Quite nasally.

-Can I carry on? "Hey, Tom..."

-Uh-uh-uh!

"I've got a police conviction, because..."

"You disgust me!" I'm playing Tom now.

-You don't have to play Tom.

-"Why have you got a police conviction?"

-"Because I accidentally..."

-Not true. Hermione again.

"Because on purpose, I reversed into a van."

-Leukaemia charity van.

-Yes, OK, I was saving that bit.

"Because on purpose I reversed into a..."

"Why has it taken so long to tell me? I'm furious!

"And hurt."

"Because I didn't want to scare you off and I really like..."

"Ironic then, isn't it,

"that by not telling me, your very dishonesty itself has scared me off?

"The very thing you didn't want to happen is happening...

"ie - you are dumped!" PHONE RINGS

-This is my mum.

-Foster mum.

Yeah, I might take this in my room.

Ellen, your breakfast.

Oh, by the way, Mum, what are you doing about your 50th?

'Ah, well, it's not why I'm calling, but did Alice not call you?'

-What? No.

-'Alice is organising me a surprise party.'

What are you talking about?

'Oh, love, she let it slip and I've promised I wouldn't speak about it.'

Am I not invited?

No, you are, it's just a new, special invite where you don't get told about it!

Ha-ha! Heya, getting bored through there, so...

-When are you doing it?

-'It's tonight.'

-Tonight?

'So, are you not coming, or...?'

-Tonight as well, that's bad. Gutted.

-Where is it?

'The Prince Charles, obviously.'

Oh, no way! Are they still doing that chilli con carne lasagne?

-'Yeah, with the cheesy garlic bread.

-SHE LAUGHS

'Oh love, this is all a shock, isn't it?

'I'll save the thing I was going to say, I'll tell you another time.'

No, don't worry, I'll make it, I'll book my tickets in a bit.

-What's the other thing?

-'Oh, no, it's nothing.

'Now's not the time. You've had enough heartache.'

-Well, obviously you have to tell me now.

-This should be good.

It's too much. Too secret.

Mum, seriously, I mean...

Fine, you've got a grandfather.

-What?

-Good God, that's a load off.

I mean, what?

I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner.

They told me a few years ago and I just didn't know

if it was right to tell you, and then I thought, well,

because you've moved down to London, I could do it now.

Why, so you didn't have to tell me face-to-face?!

No, because that's where he lives.

Give me the address!

Hmm, I mean it doesn't matter if she's not "the one", you know -

I'm just pleased he's showing any interest.

I mean, I think he's always been interested, um,

but you know, in the same way someone might be

interested in buying a submarine or trying to get a giraffe

into a hot-air balloon, you know - it just wasn't going to happen.

Yeah, I mean he's not exactly...

..the creme de la creme, is he?

Hmm. I think he was very hurt by the last one.

Grace Rust.

Yeah, what was the story there?

She lied to him and he was very paranoid after that, you know,

and he didn't go out with anyone else for two years.

What was the lie?

Well...

Mother, sister.

Hmm.

They were due to go on holiday, but at the last minute

she cancelled, because she said she had a part in Harry Potter.

-She said she was going to be Luna Lovegood!

-Luna Lovegood!

THEY BOTH LAUGH

Luna Love...! Hi, Tom.

-Were you talking about Grace Rust?

-No.

-Yeah.

-Abracadabra!

-They don't even say that in Harry Potter, Mum!

-"Abracadabra!"

-Oh, forget it!

-Petronius.

I never saw it.

Come on. Come on!

Do it!

SUNG TO LONE RANGER THEME: # Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten

# Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten

# Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten #

# Ten to TEN, ten to ten to ten

# Ten to ten, ten to ten, ten to ten to ten...

# T-t-t... #

HORN BEEPS

-Does she like pate, Tom?

-What?

-Does she like pate?

-Probably.

Oh, great, well, I'll go out and get some pate as well, then.

Point taken, brilliant, Queen Victoria paying a visit.

-Doesn't mean you have to go out and...

-No, well you've said it now.

-Criminal.

Don't worry, Mum, I'll go to the shop.

I want to get some olives anyway.

Does she like olives, Tom?

-Oh, probably, if her attitude to pate is anything to go on.

-All right, Mum, calm down.

-Criminal.

-What?

-Nothing.

-What did you say?

-Sorry, I can't do this any more.

I'm living a lie and it's,

it's tearing me limb from limb.

Oh, my God, he's a homosexual.

-What? No, I'm not!

-No, no, I know.

Lesley, did you mean that?

No, I was kidding, having a laugh.

What did you actually say, Dad?

I said, Tom, Ellen is a criminal!

A felon, a crook, an ex-con-vict.

-Poor old Dad.

-No, he's been watching too much athletics.

No, I have not been watching too much athletics.

You're a barmy old fool.

-Gets him all het-up.

-No, it does not, Lesley!

Women's pole vault especially.

Olives-wise, I'm feeling pimentos.

I've got evidence. Hmm.

I don't think I can do this.

You're bound to be nervous, love.

He could turn out to be an awful, awfully abusive...don't know, cannibal?

Say? One of the bad kind of cannibals?

I should have phoned ahead.

I'm just going to go and then I'll phone ahead.

-I'm going to go.

-No, well, we're here now.

I only really wanted a look anyway, I mean, it's fine,

it's good to put a face to a grandparent, but...

-Oh, hello there.

-Hello.

I'm so sorry, I thought you were coming a tad later.

Did you? Um...

You are here to muck-out the pigeons?

Oh, sorry, no.

Yes, we are actually, that's us all right.

-Well, hold on, what?

-Perfection. Follow me.

I'm not coming all this way without a peek at your twisted parentage.

Oh, God!

You don't seem to have much, um, cleaning paraphernalia with you.

Ah, yes, good point. Maybe we should...

-She does it bare-handed.

-Do I?

Au naturale. Oh.

I've never seen that done, but, er, your choice.

Er, right, I'll just, er, I'll just empty this bucket

and then I'll leave you two to it.

I can't tell him. We'll do this and I'll talk to him, but then we're going. I can't do this right now.

That's fine, actually. It's already getting a bit yawn.

So how long have you had these then?

These? Oh, a long time. I love 'em.

There's something fabulous about pigeons.

This one here...

..Christopher, he's my favourite.

So, are they homing pigeons?

Oh, you can release them anywhere and they'll find their way home.

How do they do that? Do they just sort of...

Ah, ha-ha, the scientists aren't sure. I think it's love.

The males and females live in separate hutches,

but when they're flying back, I let them all muddle in together.

They all have their favourites.

And my dear departed wife, Eleanor,

used to say that's what love is, it's like coming home.

My mum says it's abs and finances.

Ah, ha-ha, yes. Er, where do you live?

Katherine Docks.

Oh, that's quite nearby. They fly over there every week.

I practise with them most nights, so, I'll, I'll do it tonight.

Look out of your window, half past six to seven and you might see 'em.

I will. I'll keep a look-out.

Right. I'll leave you to it, then.

There's a lot of guano in there.

Hmm, what's that? Is that a foreign word for love?

-It's faeces.

-Oh, sure.

-It's another Grace Rust.

-Oh, don't panic, Tom.

Community service means anything from vandalism to GBH,

not many murderers do it, Tom.

There you go, Tom, she might attack, but you'll probably survive, on balance.

I didn't think she was a bloody murderer! She's lovely.

She's literally very, very lovely.

I doubt she did very much at all. It was probably, tops - got drunk,

cos she's fun - trashed a wheelie bin or something.

Trashed a wheelie bin? That's worse!

That's worse than murder, is it?

Yeah, well, at least with murder, someone might have deserved it.

Lesley, you can't condone a revenge killing! This is your Midlands connection, isn't it?

Oh, don't you bring my heritage into this, Ashley.

Leicester is ace.

Well, what would justify violence like that?

Well, I don't know, someone calling Tom a pointless wanker.

-Oh!

-Where's that come from?

Well, if one of her friends said, "Oh, that Tom, he's jobless,

"he lives at home, he loafs around, he's a stupid little pointless wanker..."

-Mum!

-Con artist.

-Oh, here we go.

Confidence trickster, I'm afraid.

Oh, how do you mean, Maeve? I'm interested by this.

-Well, sort of gulls, kind of simple-minded singletons.

-Oh, yeah.

Backward apes.

-Huh, profile fits.

-Yeah, desperate for love.

-Hmm, gulls are into sort of...

Into what? I've got nothing to offer! What's she going to get out of me?

Hmm, wouldn't be worth her time.

God, that's true, actually.

Theory scuttled. DOORBELL

Oh, God, I don't... she will tell me in her own time.

No-one say a single bloody word!

Jesus wept! Right, hide my jazz CDs.

-What are you doing?

-I'm trying to smile.

-It's not working.

You can't pick something like that up after 30 years, Les.

Hi. Hope you like pate.

Oh, not really.

Oh. Come in.

-The family.

-Hello.

You know where it is, darling.

I think so, yeah.

Why are we now using plastic cutlery, Mum?

-Why do you think?

-She's not going to steal the bloody cutlery!

She's stolen most of the olives.

Eaten - she's eaten the olives, Maeve!

She's like a hungry hippo.

Ahem.

Where's he going?

Is he going to go and check on her in the toilet?

Found the en-suite, Ellen?

Oh, sorry. I couldn't find a toilet, weirdly.

Oh, it's downstairs, by the front door,

where it's been for the last, oh, I think - 30 years.

Oh, God, what a dumbo!

-You couldn't find it?

-Er, I must have just walked past it.

Oh, possible, I suppose.

You know, you're the first person - other than Lesley and I -

to ever use the en-suite toilet, Ellen.

I didn't know that.

It's my favourite room in the whole house.

Tom's never used it. Maeve's never used it.

It's my safe zone.

Oh. Sorry about that. As I say...

I think there's something you need to tell my son, love. Don't you?

-Yes, he does now know.

-You told him?

It kind of came up naturally.

His dad sort of threatened me with a baguette.

So how did he take it? Are you finally over? Bless.

He was shocked, to be honest. He seemed quite shocked.

I was right - there is no way of making it sound good.

He said he understood and that we should just forget it,

but he also said he'd been lied to in the past, so...

Oh, he's clinging on, poor thing.

I guess when a starving fellow finds a banana in a cowpat...

I presume the banana's me.

He just has to hold his nose and get peeling.

Thought so. Right, train booked for this evening.

I just have to see Ern before I go and tell him.

I have to do that.

I can't believe I'm going home.

Someone's taken Mammy!

Oh, God, Dad, she's been gone for years.

-Mammy, not Mummy!

-Oh, I see.

-Where's Lesley and Maeve?

I think they've gone to John Lewis. Why?

Oh, it's my clock, my Naval clock.

Mammy fought in the Falklands, Tom!

OK, Dad, I know you're stressed out,

-but cards on the table, I don't like you calling the clock Mammy.

-Well, where is she?

-Or "she", really.

-Oh, my God.

-What?

-It's your woman.

-Ellen?

-Don't you think?

-No!

Well, who else could it be? She was in the room last.

-I don't know, but...

-Come on, Tom.

How well do you actually know her, if you're really honest?

I mean, she's already lied to you about a police conviction.

She is not exactly Mary Berry.

-What are you looking for?

-Evidence.

-What's this?

-It's a bit of fluff.

-How long has it been there?

-I haven't been across it, really.

Does it match any of the fluff found on Ellen's person?

Oh, God!

You're right, she did do it, Dad.

Hmm. I know you think you're clever, chum,

but I used to be a copper and I know an open-and-shut case when I see it.

Yes, she's five foot five. Mm-hm.

Yeah, she's quite a pretty girl.

Yeah, well, she may well be carrying a clock that's seen a few things.

-What are you doing?

-I'm on the phone to the filth, Tom.

Sorry, officer, no, no, no, no, I used to be one of you.

Yeah, her name is Ellen Baxter.

Well, you should have her on your records. She smashed up some leukaemia thing. Mmm.

OK. Oh, that's good. They're sending a pig round to her house, Tom.

Again, sorry, do excuse the vocab.

I'd better call her.

What do you mean, you don't have the relevant pieces?

Well, this is a one-off.

I could probably try and cut some glass for you,

but getting parts will be difficult.

Hmm, will it?

Hold on, we had a call about a clock like this.

How do you mean?

Yes, I think this is a stolen clock.

I'm sorry, madam, I'm going to have to call the police.

-Oh, don't do that, you silly prig!

-I beg your pardon?

-It's my husband's clock!

-Can you call him and tell him?

Why are you even getting involved? It's so annoying.

-Just saying, if you could call him.

-No, I can't call him. He'll implode.

If you're really his wife, can you at least describe what he looks like?

-Walking Rich Tea biscuit. Why?

-Hello, there.

No.

He is such a little prick!

She's just gone mental at me.

-He's just accused me...

-I merely suggested...

-..of stealing...

-..that maybe by accident...

-..some stupid clock!

-..she stole it.

So I was like... how dare you accuse me of that!

So I just said, um, I was only asking a question.

You honestly think I'd be capable of doing something that awful?

Well, yeah, yeah. You lied about your police conviction, so you're a proven liar.

You're a liar and a crook, soz.

I mean, maybe that was a mistake, but I was freaked-out. I don't like being lied to.

He thinks I'm capable of doing that, then fine.

Look, I have to be allowed to freak out in a relationship, that's my thing, that's what I do.

He honestly thinks I might be a thief!

I mean, he's meant to like me.

He just doesn't even trust me!

He does all this stuff that makes it feel romantic, and we just

have a laugh, and it's, it's stupid and nice, and he was the one thing,

and now I've lied to him, and he thinks I'm a wandering bloody thief!

He threw a dart in my arm! I'm done.

I'm packing my bags, I'm going home where people are normal and

they look at each other on public transport and smile occasionally!

And hopefully, I will never have to see him again!

Yeah, I may have misjudged this.

-What are you doing?

-I'm going to get her.

What, a lynching? No, Tom!

I'm going to get her and I'm going to tell her how I feel!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Ashley, I love you, but I've done a terrible, terrible thing.

What?

His dad's phoned the police. They're on their way over now.

It's a bloody horror show! It's a horror hurricane.

I never should have told him. I knew it.

You're not really leaving, are you?

I think I might be, to be honest.

No, you're not. Well, you can't.

There's a 24-month notice period in the contract, so...

We don't have a contract.

Don't play hardball with me, Ellen.

-My dad's lawyers will erase you, permanently.

-Erase me?

They can make it look like you murdered an immigrant, and then...

Hermione, we'll still be friends, you know.

Not fussed either way. I mean, you do what you like.

I mean, if you hate me so much, you could have just told me a long time ago.

Save me a lot of bother.

What are you doing now?

I wanted to see Ern's pigeons flying over.

Oh, no! You will never guess what is coming down the street.

-Not zombies?

-No!

No, obviously, kidding.

Offender officer.

I just...I have to see Ern before I go.

SHE SIGHS

Will you keep him busy while I sneak out the back?

Oh, you mean like...

No, I don't mean like that! Just...

I mean, I'll hold his hand, but, plus extras, but there's a ceiling.

Just tell him I'm not in. You don't know where I am.

Just please, don't tell anyone where I'm going.

OK, my sweet! Fly.

Be free. DOORBELL

Well, where is she?

She's...died.

-Died...?

-Not died as in, you know, "Oh, look, she's dead."

No, so, I mean, how DO you mean?

Died, as in...

died in terms of, she's not here, so in terms of this area.

I'm afraid to say she's literally gone to a better place.

Hermione, is Ellen at home?

You animal! You demon!

Oh, ow! Ow, I'm sorry! What's in those?

Ellen's things. I guess she won't need art materials in the North.

What are you talking about?

Don't you get it? She's gone, Tom! Because of you!

She's gone home, she's never coming back!

You mean she's leaving me?

No, she's leaving me! You were just also around.

-OK, where is she?

-I'm not supposed to tell anyone, least of all traitors, so don't even try.

-If you tell me, I might be able to get her to stay.

-Fine, she's at her grandad's.

-Right, where's that?

-Er, quite near here, not my kind of place.

Yes? More detail?

Er, help me out, there were cars... It was, like, not tree-lined,

but on either side there was, like, a line of houses.

-That's just a street, Hermione.

-Yes, house-lined.

-I need a sign, I need another car door.

-You're not going to get another car door.

Something like a car door.

Ugh! Oh!

-Well, that pretty much sums it up!

-SHE LAUGHS

Oh, every cloud.

Oh, hold on, they're probably her grandad's pigeons, actually.

-What?

-He has homing pigeons.

What, you mean they're going to...? And Ellen's going to...

Oh, by the sweet grace of the good old Lord.

What?

Tom?

T...

Oh, he's going to...

Well, that won't work.

# Oh, whoa, whoa

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, whoa, whoa

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh... #

Sorry to drop by unannounced. Thank you.

I was just in the area and thought, I wanted to check that

the hutch was clean and that the pigeons were satisfied.

Not that they'd be satisfied, because they're pigeons, but...

You're my granddaughter, aren't you?

Er, well...

..yes, I think so.

I thought so today, but I, er...

And then the real pigeon people turned up.

Ah, yes.

-I don't think you did a great job.

-Ha-ha! No.

Are you all right, love?

I'm great. I'm great.

London's hard work, isn't it?

But I'm going home tonight. To see my foster mum.

She told me about you, actually.

I kind of assumed that this would never happen.

I've ordered a taxi from here, if that's OK.

Perfection. Would you like some Hula Hoops while you're waiting?

That'd be lovely.

Cup of tea?

No, just the... And if...

Can you tell me anything about my mum?

Oh, she was a lovely girl.

She had the same backpack for 14 years.

She knew all the breeds of the dogs, she was obsessed with kiwis.

-Really?

-Oh, she was lovely.

# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh

# Oh, oh, oh... #

A city can swallow you whole and make you feel pretty crappy,

but it's a great place to meet people.

I met your grandma because she had a fit of hiccups in a lift

and threw her tea all over me.

And poof...!

That's 50 years gone.

# Oh, oh, oh... #

Have you not got a fella?

Um, I don't know any more.

I'm not sure.

It's...when we're together it's great, but it does get complicated.

Does it feel like coming home?

Um...

DOORBELL

That sounds like me.

OK, then.

# Oh, oh... #

Argh!

# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah... #

As you were.

Oi!

# Ah, ah... #

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Close call!

HE GROANS

I thought you were going home.

I am home.

-What are you like?

-I don't...don't know.

# I'll be yours and you'll be mine

# And we'll be fine forever... #

-You silly bugger!

-That does really hurt.

# I see you and you see me

# And we can, we can be together

# Together

# I'll be yours and you'll be mine

# And we'll be fine together. #

# And we'll be fine together. #