The Lovers Together

This programme contains some strong language

Uh-oh!

No need to sneak around, me old top. I know the walk of shame

when I see it.

What are you two doing up?

It's the hottest day of the year, Tom.

We're making the most.

It's going to be so hot there was a warning on the news.

They say an OAP might perish. We've got lollies.

Now, come on, I want to know all about it.

-Somebody get some?

-Dad!

God have mercy! Don't be so revolting, Ashley!

Just asking my son, did you get some sugar?

Because it also said online

it's statistically the randiest day of the year, too.

Honestly, Ashley, your interest in this is bordering on the incestuous.

Incestuous? Don't be daft, Les!

-All right!

-Well, I don't fancy Tom. No offence.

None taken.

He's not for everyone.

Personally, I won't intrude, Tom. It's the 21st century.

Do as you will. Go out, cosy up with a basic stranger,

contract what you like.

-Contract?

-You know what I'm talking about.

-Which venereal disease is Kate Moss wearing this season?

-Lesley!

-What?

-Yeah! I'm simply making a satirical point, Ashley,

because it turns out that my son is a hussy.

Lesley, in the force, that would be considered aggro conduct.

No, I've given up caring, Ashley. Gave up a long time ago,

round about the time he flunked Grade 2 flute.

Where's that come from?

I could have played Fur Elise better than that,

you baguette-fingered sop!

-Has she had her coffee, Dad?

-Sadly not.

Go out, get contracting and get contracting quick

but I will not stand by your bedside when my disease-addled son

shrivels up into the human equivalent of a Kettle Chip.

Mum, I didn't have sex!

OK? I didn't have sex.

I didn't...

..get round to it.

-Pick up the cool box, Ashley.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Sorry?

You didn't get round to it?

I shouldn't have said that. I'm not talking about it with you.

I'm just a bit stressed out. Forget about it.

It's warming up outside.

-Was it nerves?

-What? No!

Didn't get round to it?

Wasn't nerves. Look at that! Nerves of steel.

-It's not doing anything.

-That's the point! Steady hand.

You can't just hold your hand out and expect to win back our respect.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, Tom!

Good morning, Vietnam! Blazin' out there!

Morning.

This is Warner. It's baking so he took his top off.

Oh. Hi, Warner. How you doing?

Yeah, good, ta.

I love Coco Pops. I'm not allowed them at home.

Right. Well, that's good.

He's 18. Coffee, Warner?

-Can I?

-Yeah. Don't say it like that!

Hermione, can I have a...

Sure.

I know! Bit of a wild night.

Hunting till the early hours,

tool it home with a grouse slung over the shoulder,

pluck it, stuff it, eat it. Know what I mean?

Think so, yeah. He's quite young.

Daddy will just burst!

Sorry, Daddy! We can all have inappropriate sexual partners!

SHE GIGGLES

Ha... So how did you...?

He's the skivvy on the block of flats Dad's building in Reading.

Eek!

Ellen, eek!

-Eek.

-Eek!

Eek.

Added him on Facebook, saw he was going to a club

and then I just bumped into him there.

Did you find out where he was clubbing

and then go looking for him there on your own?

I think he left Liverpool because he did something bad.

Ssh! Ooh!

Hermione, you don't have to pretend that you're happy about this.

Oh, Jesus, Ellen! I can literally taste your jealousy in the air!

I mean, God! So, so sorry you weren't the only one to get sex last night(!)

I didn't get sex last night.

What?

So what happened? Oh, you didn't forget your inhaler, did you?

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm Steady Eddie, safe hands.

-Ow!

-Oh, sorry. I thought we were playing a game.

No! That hurt my hand!

So what happened?

So he came over for dinner. It was all going really well,

having loads of fun, yada yada yada.

I'm hitting all my targets, 9pm, kissing,

10pm, dancing in her living room, 11pm, getting pretty handsy, and

I've basically got carte blanche,

not that I abused that right. Midnight...

We come to my room, I'm getting into my stride, playing Enya.

It was the night. It was obviously the night.

Then I realise I'm still wearing my electronic tag.

I keep calling them cos it's meant to be off by now,

but I just forgot in all the excitement.

So we're in bed.

I'm doing my thang.

Follow procedure. First thing, boff! Bye-bye, blouse!

That way, I can start loosening my bugbear - tight, high-waisted jeans.

They're impossible! They're like trying to peel a tomato!

Oh, just plunge them into boiling water. Um, the tomatoes, not her.

He's sort of grunting into my neck cos he can't

get my jeans off and I realise there's just no way around it.

So I say...

BOTH: "I'm exhausted. Maybe we should just get some rest."

All of a sudden, just like that.

I mean, I wanted to, obviously.

And then she starts sleep-talking, Maeve!

I had loads of really angsty dreams about the whole stupid situation,

me getting arrested and whatnot.

She's moaning, "Oh, officer, officer!"

The offending officer's supposed to be coming round any day

to get this thing off, and I keep calling him

because I'm certain it's overdue,

but he's not getting back to me and it's stressing me out.

I can't believe she's having a sexual fantasy about a policeman!

I mean, I'm meant to be going over there after lunch.

What am I going to do? And then...

As he left, I think he saw some bumpf about the arrest,

an envelope from the Met, saw some piece of paper.

I don't think he realised what it was,

but he was scurrying out quite quick.

She's got paraphernalia, police paraphernalia!

I think it's her thing, Maeve, like a...

Fetish?

Not easy, son. Don't judge her, though, because...

Dad! Were you listening to that?

Well, a large portion, yes.

You get yourself into some crap situations, Tom.

Can I have some bloody privacy, please?

Get your own flat, chum!

I'm going to. I'm looking into it. Just leave me alone!

-What are you going to do, Tom?

-Shush!

-I mean, she's copper crazy.

-Shut up! Stop it! Quiet!

Calm, calm, calm, calm, calm!

The Rydales are not so easily spooked.

Speaking as an ex-policeman, it's not uncommon, the whole copper fixation.

Mm, The Bill was popular for a reason.

As was I, Les.

I don't want to talk about it with you. Please!

We do not talk about it any more. Please!

Fetishes are actually quite common.

No, you're right, carry on(!)

I like, you know, Weetabix and cornflakes in the same bowl.

That's not a bloody fetish, Ashley.

You don't know how I eat them.

HE CLEARS THROAT

-What are you thinking about?

-Nothing.

Nothing at all.

It's very hot.

-I used to have one of them tags, you know.

-Did you?

Naughty boy! How come?

Got myself a live wire, Ellen.

Doesn't matter.

Oh, come on! You have to say now.

"Sorry, Daddy." SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Seriously, you don't want to know.

Correction, I DO want to know.

Someone got killed and I was tangled up in it.

Westside.

Anyway, you can get them off, you know. Me mate done it.

It's meant to be off.

I keep hassling them about it but they're not getting back...

-I can show you how to do it, you know.

-Really? That'd be amazing.

What's running through your mind, then, Thomas the Tank Engine?

Nothing. Nada. De nada, sir.

Oh, that reminds me. I've got to talk to you all about blood.

Oh, God! Hope we're not still on fetishes, Les.

Is this a new dimension to your sexual landscape?

Oh, shut up, Ashley! I don't have a sexual landscape.

Can we move on, please?

Desert, more like.

Oh, that's absolutely rotten!

Desert's a landscape, Les? Some things thrive there.

Well, I don't.

Well, sure, but a sidewinder snake or a...

-Dad!

-..devil scorpion.

Will any of you deign to give blood with me later?

Name-dropping, obviously, but Kath Hedge, yeah?

Kath Hedge has asked me to recruit as many people as possible.

-Who's Kath Hedge?

-Oh, no-one, Maeve(!)

Only the wife of Tory councillor Barney Hedge, OBE.

Oh, God, not that man! He's a Himmler-in-waiting.

Oh, shut up, Ashley!

He cares about business. That's not a crime.

Right, who will part with some plasma?

It saps my energy, Mum. I can't.

Every time I give blood, it just zonks me out, OK?

Well, what do you need energy for? Waiting around?

You require about as much energy as a towel.

Fine! I'll probably vote Green anyway!

Wash your mouth out with soap!

So you stick it in the freezer for about two hours.

Oh, yeah. I think I vaguely remember my cousin, Sparks,

saying something about that.

Cos freezing it contracts the plastic.

Yeah, so you just knock open the lock, right?

God, I feel like I'm on the set of Coronation Street!

Hold on! Your cousin, Sparks, he hasn't got a Superman tattoo, has he?

Oh, my God! How do you know Sparks?

-Was in juvenile with him.

-You're kidding!

"You're kidding!"

Get out of his arse, bum chum!

I'm right here!

Warner, shall we just sit here all day talking about criminals

we once knew or do you want to go upstairs and have sex?

I'm torn.

I'll come upstairs.

Gutted, Ellen. Sayonara!

-What you doing in there?

-Nothing. Just...

Just getting something from there.

Well, I hate to be Sally Specific, but what is that?

Honestly, Maeve, just leave it!

It's the randiest day of the year, I'm about to go to the fetish flat

and I'm staring down the barrel of afternoon sex. Please, let me be!

Hm.

DOOR BUZZES

He's early. Little geek!

Tell him to wait in my bedroom.

Yes, your bloody Majesty(!)

Shit!

Getting hot out there today.

Yes, I know.

-You should be a weather man.

-SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

-All right, lad?

-Oh, hello.

Think I might take my top off later, if I can be bothered.

That's my boyfriend.

We've had sex four times in the last 12 hours.

Gosh, great. Yeah, good, yeah.

Once every three hours, then.

Probably less regimented than that, obviously, but, um...

-Can I get some water, please, cos I'm feeling...

-Ellen asked me to tell you

she'll be along shortly. You should just wait in her bedroom.

Oh, right. Crikey!

She's just getting, you know, ready.

Oh, you know about...

Fair enough.

-You OK?

-Yeah, no, absolutely fine.

Just to be sure, I'm to get ready as well? Sort of...

Er, yes...

Yes, Sergeant, I think you mean.

SHE FAKES A LAUGH

-OK.

-Just...

-Yeah.

Aargh! It's not working!

Hm. If you didn't have the foot, you could just slide it off.

What are you suggesting?

It's called blue-sky thinking. Shut up!

You've got yourself into some bother, haven't you, darlin'?

Want a bit?

I'm going to sleep with you is what I'm going to do.

Sleep with you right proper.

Yeah, I'm going to just shag you.

This isn't very dignified.

-For you or the chicken?

-Well, both.

Ow! That was my shin!

I'm so sorry, Ellen(!) Believe it or not, I've never done this before.

Hold on a minute!

Oh, no, you don't!

-Oh!

-Can I help?

-Are you doing this today, then, are you?

-Yes! What?

Well, you know, you're dealing with Ellen?

I beg your pardon?

Well, no, it's fine if you are. It's just I've not been told so,

if you're taking care of her, then, um...

-well, I suppose I'm not needed, am I?

-No, you're not needed, thank you!

I'm sorry, I don't know who you are or what sort of sick game

you think we're playing here, but I'm the policeman around here nowadays.

I mean, did she ask you to come round?

Just left a couple of voice messages.

No, she didn't, you bloody beak-faced goon!

I'm sorry, sir.

That's fine.

Superintendent. So has this case been upgraded, has it?

-Got a bit more serious?

-All right, you can drop all that stuff now.

Drop what?

-Oh, go away!

-Sorry?

I just can't do it at all if I've got this on.

I'm going to have to dodge it again.

Coming in two mins, Tom! Sorry!

OK, you can do this.

You're not pathetic, you've got nice features.

Mum and Dad believe in you. Why are you thinking about Mum and Dad

before sex? What's wrong with you?

Just pull yourself together!

Coming!

Evenin', all.

Oh...what? What is happening?

Why?

No good?

I was not expecting that at all. Police outfit?

-Perve!

-Perv-ect! What a dark horse.

Obviously, it's a bit out there, but he's clearly just a very confident

sexual human being to just do that right from the off out of nowhere.

I'm in over my head and it's sending me crackers, Maeve.

What, in Dad's uniform? That is disgusting!

So did you have a trot around the docks, as 'twere?

Not a phrase I've massively heard before in my life but...

I couldn't, I just couldn't. Got a new policy.

If I'm wearing an electronic tag, I don't have sex with people.

That's my rule.

And I don't want to scare him off.

I've called my offender officer again but he's not got back to me.

But I just said to Tom...

"Wouldn't it be even more exciting to wait?"

What did he say?

Well, obviously, I repeatedly said the word "No" loudly.

He was quite hoarse from saying it. Gosh!

The man's a sexual beast!

-Ow! Think I've got a splinter.

-Oh.

We got a visit from what I can only assume was an ex.

He was in full police regalia.

Really?

It's hot today, isn't it? It's close, isn't it, Maeve?

It's fecund. I feel all het up.

I feel like I need a punch bag or something.

Give it a right good old punch!

Deep breaths, Tom.

Ooh! Now there's the face of a man who's yet to get some

-treacle on his porridge, as 'twere.

-Oh, God!

And on the randiest day of the year, Tom.

Also known as the hottest day of the year, Dad.

Just trying to give you some stats about the day.

Cheer you up.

This is the undefeated champion of the worst days in my life.

SOUND OF TENNIS MATCH ON TV

Is Mum sleeping or just staring at the...?

I honestly think she's just relaxing, Tom.

Mm. She wanted the windows cleaned. Called him in this morning.

SOUND OF TENNIS MATCH ON TV

I didn't know tennis was on.

Mm. Steffi Graf versus someone.

What, is it a veteran match or...?

Mm-mm-mm-mm. It's recorded.

-It's recorded?

-Yeah. 1988. Good old years.

Just felt like some tennis.

GRUNTS AND CRIES FROM TENNIS MATCH

It's everywhere!

It's everywhere I look and it's sending me over the edge, Maeve!

I thought you'd be here sooner.

This tag is really getting in the way of my life.

Well, hang on a minute. I did come earlier

but there was a Superintendent here.

Must be an inter-borough thing. Classic Stepney. Bloody buffoons!

-There was a policeman here, wasn't there?

-No. Not that I remember, no.

Well, then, I don't know what's going on.

To be honest, I've been feeling a bit fired up today.

I don't know why.

According to Facebook, it's the randiest day of the year.

Hermione!

Well, I mean that would explain a lot.

It has been pretty randy out there today.

A lot of randy incidents.

Well, shall we get... shall we get you out of these, um...

shall we take that, um... shall we take that off you now?

Yes!

This is the oldest depiction of a couple having sex...

-Please, no!

-Uh-uh! Uh-uh!

..hewn into rock about 11,000 years ago

by the Natufians in Bethlehem.

This, Tommy, is the beginning of love.

And that is why people say this isn't sex,

this isn't a couple having sex,

this is lovers' embrace, face-to-face.

-What do you think, Tom?

-It looks like sex to me, Dad.

Don't get cocky, Tommy.

If you want sex, I'll give you sex. There's sex on this machine.

I know what sex is, Dad.

Not the time to show him porn, Dad.

I'm just saying it's the lovers' embrace.

It's more meaningful than sex.

Sex isn't everything.

-Stop saying sex!

-I'm a sexual being,

you are a sexual being and I will say sex.

Sex! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Sex!

I can't take it, Maeve. I need someone to put me under.

Knock me on the head, knock me out, bash me unconscious.

I need to kill all this pent-up carnal energy in me.

Oh, I've been there, mate.

Last chance to give blood, you selfish orks?

Sweet oblivion, I'm in!

Ah!

HE MOANS

Feeling good.

Feeling dizzy, the energy draining.

Bye-bye, sex!

BEEPING

Eh! It's, um, a bit fiddly. It can be.

Oh! All right?

Yeah, there we are.

-Oh, my God! It's off!

-Yes.

Oh, my God! I'm free!

I'm free! I'm free! I'm free at last!

I'm going to get my phone.

-Oh, yes.

-Reminds me of 12 Years A Slave.

Not that I've seen it, but it's just adorable is my point.

Very proud of her.

TOM SINGS TO HIMSELF

Oh, Maeve, this has done just the job, I tell you.

I was going mad.

Oh, you're drinking after giving blood, are you?

Yeah, I've killed the urge, Maeve.

Couple of pints,

watched an episode of Question Time, read a pamphlet on STDs.

I've slain the ogre.

HIS PHONE BEEPS Whoops-a-daisies! Oh, here she is.

Aw, sweet thing!

Oh, Jehovah! No, no, no! That's sex! That's Ellen sex!

Oh, God! Oh, no!

Are you all right, Tom?

I've slain the ogre!

Just when I needed him the most, the ogre!

I've forsaken the ogre!

Oh, Tom!

Would they put the blood back in, do you think?

I don't... I mean... What have I done?

Oh, here we go. I've made you a nice cup of tea.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, I may have overdone it a bit. I'm feeling blurry.

Well, um, I put two teabags in, so...

Mm, good, get me pepped up. God, big moment!

The inaugural boff.

Oh, I better text her back, actually.

Oh, no, you shouldn't gulp it down, Tom...

Oh, deary, oh, leary!

What is it?

Oh, deary, oh, leary, I feel hot and teary!

-Come on, lay it on me. Don't hold back.

-This is Easy Sleep.

-Is your what now?

-Um, Easy Sleep. It's what I use to get off to sleep.

It's not tea?

Um, well, it is tea, technically, but rather than tea leaves,

it's more Nopradolam.

Right, and how long does that take effect for

on a human with a full portion of blood, sans booze?

Well, I usually feel fine after about half an hour, to be honest.

-Not so bad, then.

-That's after I wake up, though.

-How long do you go to sleep for?

-About 14 hours.

That's a shame.

Right, I've texted him. Just got to dash out.

Oh, Warner's coming over, though.

We're shooting for double figures in a 24-hour period.

Sort of hoping you could hoof out, maybe.

I'm not hoofing out, Hermione. I'm hoofing in!

I'm a coiled spring!

I'm a coiled spring that's been put under a very heavy book

and that book is about to be lifted.

And when it is, by the grace of God, all the fire

and lustre of heaven and hell will be set loose!

HE BELCHES

HE BELCHES

HE GROANS

# If you want a lover

# I'll do anything you ask me to

# And if you want another kind of love... #

HERMIONE SOBS

What the hell do YOU want?

Oh, calm down, Herms! I thought it was just a bit of fun.

A bit of fun?

That's a good thing. Fun's good!

I've got a lot going on, Hermione. I'm trying to get me life

back on track and I just need a stable life.

I'm stable! I'm fucking stable!

-Who's calling me unstable?

-Hey, no-one is, love.

Why can't I shag him? Dad shags whoever he wants!

I can't believe he's dumping me on the randiest day of the year!

It...it is bad. Is Ellen in?

I don't know how you do things in Liverpool,

but in my social bracket, we don't just pick people up

and then pop them down again like a Neanderthal with a rock!

He's ditching me, Ellen!

SHE WAILS

Maybe you should just wait in my room.

The boy from the docks is ditching me!

Oh, no.

I've got to get off, mate. I've got yoga in a minute.

SHE WAILS

Just hold on a second.

# You know you can

-# I'm your man.

-#

Is there anything I can do?

No, it's fine. Thanks, Ellen.

Great.

Just sit with me for a while.

Ah, OK. Well, Tom is just waiting upstairs but...

He'll understand.

Oh, I don't know.

He's very understanding. I've always said that.

I'm attractive, aren't I?

Yes, definitely.

What's attractive about me? Lots?

Yeah, shed loads, Hermione.

-Like what?

-Um, can I maybe tell you tomorrow, say,

or I can just text you from upstairs?

I get it.

You can't think of anything cos I'm an ugly, mouldy chimp!

No, no, no, no! Um... you have beautiful eyes.

Oh, and such nice hair. And you wear lovely clothes.

-What?

-You're not going to try and tongue me, are you, Ellen?

Don't think it's fair to take advantage of me.

I'm anyone's when I'm like this.

Aw.

Yeah, that's it. You, um... You drink your way to...freedom.

Yeah.

Just...back in a sec.

SHE WHISTLES

Ohh, Steffi!

Brace yourself.

You're nicked!