Sharpe Together

What are we watching?

We've been watching it for 40 minutes, Mum!

Answer the question, I can't help it if my mind wanders.

Sharpe.

The thing with Sean Bean, Napoleonic war vibe.

It says here that donkeys live longer than horses.

-Mum, Jesus!

-That doesn't seem fair.

It's called Sharpe, Ellen loves it, so I thought it would be nice to...

Swot up on it, so you can appear to know more about it than you do

to trick her into getting into bed with you.

-I get it.

-Erm...

Yeah, basically, yeah.

Trying to organise a sort of day trip type thing, I thought,

after I drove a dart into her arm, it might be quite useful to...

-What the hell are you doing?!

-No, you're right, it doesn't matter.

It's called a Biro inventory, Les.

You've been married to me for 30 years,

it's the second Friday of the month, you shouldn't have to ask.

You're doing my noodle at the moment, Ash!

Do you think I'd fare well in this sort of sitch?

The heroism, the battlefield?

They didn't have hay fever back then, did they? So...

"No" is the tip of the iceberg on this one, I think, Tom.

I don't know. Well, that's a thought, actually.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Oh.

Here he is.

What's he like?

"Good day. Ma'am."

Oh my God, he's invited me to an English country estate.

Oh my God, that's insane.

It's like he's inside my brain.

It's like he's been miniaturised, injected into my brain matter

and is inside my brain looking out of my own eyes watching

everything I say and do.

Isn't it romantic?

This cave covered in crystals, Maeve, that we're going to go to,

is the most romantic place in Britain, according to BuzzFeed.

And we can go in. Oh, gosh!

I mean, I may as well be Jane Gibbons!

Who's Jane Gibbons?

Nice try, Hermione.

Seriously though?

Oh, my God! Ever heard of Sharpe's second wife?

The seamstress? Brought up by her uncle?

No, don't let me interfere. You go on without me.

-But I shouldn't text back immediately, should I?

-Not listening, Ellen.

-Right.

Well... I'll text him back.

In ten minutes.

-Yes, you're a real ball-breaker.

-I know.

Muskets are longer than I thought, actually. Butt to barrel.

-How long does it take you to reply to a text?

-Five seconds?

Fine, instant. The power of instant technology, speed of light.

Right, crap! I've misjudged it, I've misjudged it massively!

-What's going on?

-Country estate trip? Who am I, Colin Firth?!

Thanks for contradicting me, everyone!

God, I'm going to just beat a retreat,

get my guys out alive. And by guys, I mean pride.

-PHONE VIBRATES

-Oh. Here he is again.

He is insatiable.

He says...

No kiss.

Well, that's depressing.

Fine. If he wants to invite some friends.

She does want to bring one? Oh, wunderbar!

Oh, it's not that bad.

I mean, I can big you up.

Presuming I'm taking you?

Oh, who else are you taking?

Yeah, carry on.

You'll have that support, then, won't you?

-We'll be there, or thereabouts.

-What?

Not a good time to mention that, Ash.

-Bigging you on?

-Up.

-I'll say it again, what?!

Long story short, we took you off the insurance on the Skoda Octavia.

We'll drive you there, hang around, drive you back.

Why did you take me off the insurance for the Skoda Octavia, Dad?!

Well, funnily enough, as an ex-copper,

the minute I saw your take on lane discipline, chum!

God, you're crap, Ashley!

Skidding around like a piece of soap.

Why didn't you tell me earlier, before I made this bloody offer?

Because I knew you'd make me feel bad.

This is just the worst.

There you go.

I knew it.

Right, OK.

Please, please, please, please, please, please, please,

please, please stay away from me.

I say it in the kindest possible terms, because I love you guys,

you've been wonderful parents, but I have drawn up a map of, well,

"quadrants" I've called them, which you are strictly prohibited from.

-Yes, your father said.

-Erm, Maeve, Maeve, Maeve...?

-Yes, paperwork.

So, you get everything from the lake to the folly, yeah?

We are everything from the waterfall to the grotto.

So, you know, let's have fun, let's enjoy ourselves, but if you do

violate these quadrants, we'll come after you like a pack of dogs, OK?

Seek and ye shall find!

So said the Reverend Simms.

Stupid man!

Time for a quick comfort break.

For the hundredth time, Ashley, don't say "comfort break,"

say you're going to the loo or for a wee.

-Doesn't matter!

-OK, fine, I'm going for a wee-wee.

One "wee", Ashley!

Well obviously, Les, you can't do two wees at once.

Although I have seen pictures which showed a bifurcated penis...

Right Ashley, just pack it in, just stop it!

You are doing my head in at the moment!

I feel like I am drowning!

TOILET FLUSHES

A TINNY RECORDING OF DON'T STOP THE PARTY BY PITBULL PLAYS

-What is that?

-Nothing.

Ashley?

It's my toilet roll alarm.

Someone hang me. Genuinely.

Dad, what is a toilet roll alarm?

Yeah, what's...? Yeah.

It reminds me to buy more toilet roll.

We don't want another one of your, well,

I won't allude explicitly to the event, but let's just say

we all know your mum doesn't love the Guardian, but in the mid-'90s

she was forced into a situation where she had to carry out

a threat she'd been absent-mindedly making for about a decade.

Vis-a-vis wiping with the Guardian.

Offski.

Rydale family, forward, march!

Oh, look - I'm just going to say this - not convinced about the cardi,

but it's too late to change now, so I'm not going to mention it,

and just say that I actually really like it.

Thank you for the compliment.

And I'm assuming I'm good to invite someone to this

date-cum-country-house-pensioner- outing that this kind of

-Ron Weasley character seems to...

-Well, he's not ginger, so...

He is ginger. In principle.

He's a total bozo.

And fine, you're settling for a third-tier Joe because you're worried about your eye-bags.

I didn't know I had eye-bags.

-But what about what I want?

-What?

Oh, forget I ever said anything, seriously.

Look, I just need you to stop at that pharmacy on Princes Avenue,

-pick up some chewing gum.

-Right. We haven't got long, so...

My antidepressants, then! Fine! You got it out of me!

Congratulations. You see what happens when you rush people?

I'm sorry, I didn't... I didn't know you were...

It's only Locolopram. Everyone's on it these days.

-It's basically the new Netflix.

-OK.

You know what? I think you're right, Les.

I think you are right, I have become a square.

Feck it!

When we get there, I'm going to buy you a Luton Bun.

Just the two of us, sod the cost. Oh, damn!

-What?

-What?

-I've taken a wrong turning.

Have you?!

Towards Hip Valley!

NOODLY JAZZ MUSIC

Oh, my God!

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, now this is more like it!

This cat is burning the paint off the walls.

-Amen.

-They're unbearable.

This mama has got a snare drum stuck right up her arse!

-Ashley!

-Lesley, I'm just finding my level.

Wake me when it's over.

Hey, Luke, Hermione here.

Just calling to say Ellen's having a picnic today,

and she'd really like you to come.

She's got a date coming, so bring a picnic and your A-game.

The Fossett Estate, 1pm, be there or be a four-sided equilateral.

SHE SNORTS A square!

Bye!

Coming, Ellen! Sorry!

-Let dating commence.

-Knock her dead, son.

Yeah, sort of.

Oh, this is going to be good.

Off you go.

Come on.

Hmm, that's weird.

What?

There's been this sort of scraping noise in the car ever

since I rammed that van and I took it to the garage on Tuesday

and they said I needed to have something replaced.

I mean they were scamming me, basically.

But now, completely out of nowhere,

it looks like it has in fact broken down.

Bolt from the blue.

That's where they should be, but we're going over there.

It's Tom, isn't it? I'm Luke. I'm joining you guys. Friend of Ellen's.

Oh, hi. Yeah, I'm... Yes, I'm Tom. Good to meet you.

-Maeve Lesley Rydale. Hello.

-Yeah, this is my sister.

Yes, but we're very different.

-It doesn't have to be the first thing you say.

-Enchante.

-OK...

-Parlez Francais?

-Er, oui...

-OK, OK, yes, great,

so shall we set up the picnic for when the ladies arrive?

Yeah, see you in 2018.

Probably right.

Prime Minister will be Nigel Farage

and Steve Jobs will be reincarnated as a robot.

He's riffed on it.

That's wonderful stuff.

That's probably the best stuff I've heard in, well,

-the last quarter, actually - financial quarter.

-Right.

Um, I've brought some pretty special things, by the way.

God, she's always running a bit late, isn't she?

I don't know, really, it's only our second date.

On our second date I was taking her out to this Iranian restaurant...

-What, what, what?

-Iranian. Actually, was it Iranian?

I can't remember if I was actually speaking Farsi or Pashto.

No, no, no, no.

No, you dated, did you?

Yeah, we went out.

-Yeah, for quite a while, actually.

-Oh, lovely.

-The plot thickens.

-Oh, yes, three great years.

Ah, that's fabulous... That's lovely to know.

-Ah, shall we, um... What an absolutely barn-storming success so far.

-Oh, yes.

-And good to meet you.

-And you too, Tom.

-Lovely.

You should see my picnic, Tom. Got a few surprises for you here.

I think we've had enough surprises for one day.

You are, you're ruining it.

I'm not ruining anything. I'm saving you.

You must have liked Luke at one point, Ellen.

By the end it was horrid. He would pop a Smint every time he kissed me and I found it very creepy.

Where are you going?

I'm just going for a little wee.

Hermione, we've got to hurry.

-Can you please be quick?!

-You can't hurry a wee, Ellen!

It takes as long as it takes.

It's like a risotto.

SHE SIGHS

Hello.

Hi.

Hi there.

Hermione?!

Such a splendid day.

Definitely.

It's lovely.

Be gone.

-What?

-Nothing.

Nothing at all.

I couldn't help overhearing your conversation about love.

I see.

Are you here looking for your loved ones?

Er, no, my wife's in Canterbury.

The Cathedral.

I understand.

The writer Stendhal said,

"In the salt mines of Salzburg,

"they throw a leafless wintry bough

"into one of the abandoned workings.

"Two or three months later

"they haul it out covered with a shining

"deposit of salt crystals."

Okey-doke.

"The smallest twig, no bigger than a tom-tit's claw,

"is studded with a galaxy of scintillating diamonds."

When you're in love, this is how everything looks,

everything you can see, coated in crystals.

Right.

Thank you.

Who are you talking to?

Hermione, can you see that man?

-What man?

-Oh, my God, I think this road is haunted!

Really?

Oh, no, I'm not a ghost.

Here I am. Hi.

I'm just doing the, um, Battle of Borodino later.

It's all OK. Sorry, I'm Mark, Mark Tetherford.

We should probably get off.

What, you were only talking to me because you thought I was a ghost?

Well, yes, I guess so.

Wow! Wow, that's cut me to the quick.

Gosh. Why don't people want to hang out with me?

It's the beard, isn't it?

Right, I really don't have time for this.

Keep your pecker up, mate. Hermione, push.

Oh, that is fabulous stuff! Oh, what a raconteur.

I'm about to get on my bloody feet and start clapping you.

Like, are we actually realising Orwell's vision of 1984?

Ah, yeah. Serious side, as well.

Well, yeah, bravo.

Society, blurgh!

-It's a bag of crap, isn't it?

-Oh, yeah.

Er, sorry, love, um, could be Yemen calling.

Like Yemen's calling you!

Essentially, yeah, it's a UN thing.

Right.

Nice guy.

What? What are you talking about? He's been on dates with Ellen!

So? People in glass houses, Tom.

And it's good that you've got things in common, it's your umbilical cord.

Look, I'm a bad judge of character,

I spend 90% of my time with my sister, but I don't like him!

I've got a feeling he's after Ellen.

Luke wouldn't do that. Anyway, she could do a lot worse.

-Maeve, I'm right here!

-Yeah, that's what I mean.

Guys, it was actually Hermione who just called. Ellen's car broke down.

Someone towed it in, but I told them to go and freshen up

-while we look under the bonnet for her, OK?

-Yeah, great.

Good to get an opportunity to "get mechanical," as I say.

-You never say that.

-Shut up, Maeve.

-Do you want to pop the lid?

-Yeah.

Right, um...

HORN BEEPS

-That, um...

-Do you know how to?

Yeah, no, decided to sound the horn once, just as a warning,

before I... "pop the lid".

So, um... HORN BEEPS AGAIN

Yeah, just do that twice, just do that three times, just to be,

just before I open what's known as the bonnet of the car.

Sure.

So, um, let's have a little look see.

-Er, wipers.

-Yeah, I know, it's just a process of um...

-Indicators.

-Yeah, ah-ha. Ah-ha. Good.

That's all the rudimentary checks complete and now to press

the only remaining button in the car, as far as I can tell.

Er, having satisfied myself that it's all quite safe.

You know, a novice could work out it's this button by a process of elimination,

but, luckily for me, I know the workings of a car almost instinctively.

-Sure.

-So, one more honk of the horn.

HORN BEEPS AGAIN

-Just to be safe.

-I think it's working.

-And then Bob is your... Bob, Bob...

-Bob's your uncle.

-Bob's your uncle.

-That's it, yeah, you've got it.

Great, so, um... LOUD RADIO MUSIC

Oh for... Fine, fine! That's, I'll just... I'll look at the generator.

Tom, come here.

Do you think you should just let him? I mean he does exude expertise.

Maeve, when Ellen gets here, I have to be seen to be helpful and competent.

-I mean, that's vital.

-OK.

Um, Tom, I think you may have bodged the wipers, do you want to

-check if there's anything caught in the windscreen wipers?

-Yeah, cool, boy.

Let's have a little...

-Yeah, just there.

-Um...

Argh, argh!

Oh!

-Oh, my eyes!

-Oh, got you!

He has got everything. He's even got pranks!

I can't see, I cannot see!

Sorry, mate, I couldn't resist, I really couldn't.

Oh, absolutely classic. This has been my best day so far.

I'm blind. I mean, I'm finally blind.

I want to find my mum.

Hi.

Hi. I'm fine.

ENGINE STARTS

Oh, dear.

So, um...

When now, when... When did,

when was the last time we all came, you know, to a park?

PHONE RINGS Oh sorry, do excuse me.

Saved by the phone, bell ringing, never mind.

Yes, yes? Can't talk now, my date's unravelling.

Your mother's broken her pelvis.

What? I don't... What on earth...?

It's your father here, I did that to get your attention - she hasn't broken her pelvis.

-Oh, right.

-It's her leg.

She fell from one area to another area further down.

Leg snapped like a pencil stick.

Oh, my God!

Maeve, can I ask you a question?

OK, yes, he does live at home. Yes, he did use to dress up as a 19th century female theatre impresario,

put on an accent and demand that we call him Lady Buscombe,

the Dowager of Soho.

Maybe don't guess the question.

Your wish is my command.

Um, why did Tom invite other people on my date?

Um, I don't really know how to answer this.

Oh sorry, no, I shouldn't have asked, forget it. It's just...

Well, I was looking forward to it.

The picnic, the romantic caves,

and then all of a sudden, you know, but... Errgh.

Tell me.

Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me.

I'm kidding.

But seriously, can you tell me? Because I am a bit on edge.

Um, well basically you took quite a long time to reply,

so he thought that you weren't into it.

Oh...

Well, that's better than I thought.

Where actually has Tom actually gone, in fact?

He was just on the phone.

Oh, well, no, he hasn't gone, I mean he'll be there.

Well, he isn't there.

Well, while we're waiting, shall we just go

and have a look at this ruined abbey or something?

Yes. We can go and come back quite quickly.

I palmed the guy a 20 and he said that we could use the golf buggy.

You really do understand the world, Luke.

Could have a look at that cave, too.

I'm... Well, I'm feeling quite peaky, actually.

I might head back to the car.

Just us, then, El.

Hold on, I'll go and fetch Tom, be back in a minute.

I'll bring him back here.

Come on, legs, off we go.

WOOD CREAKS TWIG SNAPS

Ow!

What's going on, what...? What are you doing?!

-Oh, we got you. Tom!

-We bloody got him, Les.

-What's going on?

-"My name's Tom and I'm terrified.

"And I don't like getting hit by things."

Excellent, Ash. He brought his catapult.

"Hey, Tom!

"Oh, my leg is so broken!

"Oh, no, it's snapped in half.

"Mummy's leg's snapped in half, we're devastated!"

You're in the wrong quadrant.

You made the quadrants, you're in our quadrant,

because you care about me!

I'm on a date!

"Oh, he's on a date!"

Oh, don't be such an old stick-in-the-mud, Tom.

Old man of the sands.

Boring old Tom, as good as dead, Les!

What's wrong with you?

I'm high, boy!

Touching the sky. Solid visuals, pumping vibes.

Problem?

I can't take this.

Oh, here we go.

Ellen's brought her ex and he's a very impressive fellow

and I'm worried I don't measure up. I mean, I...

Here, boy. Here, boy, come, come boy.

I really...

Oh, my God, I mean I just turned round when someone called their dog!

That's my level, isn't it?!

In the hierarchy of humanity, I consider myself one of the pets!

It's not so bad, Tom. You get your afternoons to yourself.

This is the worst day ever.

Oh, now, none of that!

Ow, Dad!

Don't do that!

-Oh I'm getting a taste for this, Les!

-Oh, me, too, Ash.

-Oh!

-I'm totally invigorated.

-Oh, me, too, Ashley!

I'm enjoying this!

What's going on? She's mine!

They've gone to the abbey. It's weird, isn't it?

Luke and Ellen... I'm piecing this together as I'm watching it, really,

but Ellen and her ex are going on the date that you planned.

How does that make you feel? I'm curious.

They're heading east.

They're not going to the abbey, but to the crystal-covered cave, Maeve.

That's the most romantic place in Britain. If they set foot in there, it's game over, single Pringle.

-Ellen!

-She can't hear you. Ellen, Ellen!

Um, er, wolf whistle, rally cry of the alpha male.

It's the shape of the fingers and the shape of the mouth

-and how you blow.

-I... Oh, it's my nails.

-And now it's just me doing it.

-Look, no this way.

-Ow! Oh, I bit myself.

-Look up.

Oh, that's galling.

That's Charles de Gaulle-ing.

We have to get to that cave, Maeve. Follow me.

Hold on, hold on, what's the scale on this?

-The scale, um, right, well that's the path.

-Yeah.

Um, no, that's all I've got at this juncture.

Hold on, the caves are just there, which is

actually just the other side of this pond.

Yeah, that looks smaller on here.

Yeah, maps are smaller than the real thing, or life

-would get very complicated.

-Yes, Maeve.

-We could phone Mum and Dad.

I'm not phoning Mum and Dad, they've gone rogue.

Problem solving, problem solving, problem solving...

Saying "problem solving" won't solve the problem. For crying out loud!

-Boat.

-What?

-Boat.

Oh, don't be ridic...

Rowing over there is the sort of thing that bloody Sharpe would...

Oh, my good God!

Fetch me an oar.

-Do you want to just go over to where they are?

-Yeah, no, totally.

-Because me going over there, fetching it, bringing it back, given the time issue.

-100%.

Shall we poddle over?

No, it's this way.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

It's nice here, isn't it?

It's beautiful.

What?

Oh, nothing.

OK, I'll tell you.

I was just remembering how well you got along with little Tipper.

Oh, my God! I loved little Tipper.

It was all so sad.

He was a good dog.

I know it sounds corny as hell,

it's just the past,

the beautiful past,

trespassing the present.

Right...

So, what sort of phrases does Tom come up with in conversation?

What a stinking heap of guff!

Oh, come on, Tom, it's not that far.

That quote unquote "boat" ought to be ashamed of itself!

Look at me!

Oh, come on.

-Here, have my coat.

-Thanks.

-It's not that bad.

-Oh, it's over, Maeve!

I'm soaked, I smell of algae and failure.

Luke just is better than me. He's wonderful!

I know I'm nice. I know I'm entertaining, but Luke just

does have a more robust CV than I do - in that he has one!

I've got nothing to my name, absolutely zip.

I get up, I flap around,

I practice acceptance speeches for the Booker Prize and I go to bed.

That honestly is the long and short of Tom Rydale!

Are you all right?

Yeah.

LUKE LAUGHS

Oh, good story.

I love telling that story.

Oh.

Bloody hell, they're searching everyone.

Apparently someone's been catapulting civilians

with projectiles.

God, people are just sickening.

This is nice.

I really just wanted some time to just talk to you, you know.

I really wanted to talk to you, too.

Really?

Yeah, you've got to let it go, Luke.

Let what go? That doesn't sound right, given the surroundings.

Well let this go.

It's over.

I don't think it is, though.

I mean, name one thing about me that's not good.

Well, that's just it -

you're a bit too sort of perfect.

Um, I'll change. I'll be less charming for a start.

It's not that, it's just you're so impressive and ambitious, but...

I'll get a demotion, I'll reduce my number of contacts.

You're just not for me.

I fundamentally dispute that.

I mean, look at this Tom guy.

He's nowhere to be seen.

I know.

Whereas...

..I'm here.

PHONE BLEEPS

I've got to save her.

What?

I've got to save her, Maeve. I've got to save her.

Where's the...

Oh, wait!

I've got to get over there!

Wait, wait! Tom, this is heavy.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

Present!

Fire!

'When you're in love,

'everything you can see

'is coated in crystals.'

MUSIC PLAYS TO END