Cupid Together

Happy birthday.

Oh, Hermione, that's loads.

Got if off my dad.

That money has basically nothing to do with me.

Oh, it's very thoughtful all the same.

Meh. By the way, I didn't get that rent payment.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

I'm overdrawn - those school posters aren't selling as well as I'd hoped.

Yeah... OK.

Good girl.

I suppose if we're going to start nailing stuff,

the birthday is not a bad place to make my debut.

I'm actually quite good at this stuff, really.

You want fig and orange blossom perfume? Well, I'm sorry, love,

you're going to bloody get fig and orange blossom perfume.

Your card's declined.

OK, don't love this new element.

Um, can you try it again, please?

I've tried it twice. It's declined.

I think you're too poor.

I understand the system.

Sorry, I had my suspicions, but I didn't want to say anything.

Thank you for your tact(!)

I'm seeing her tonight, Maeve,

I've told her I'm going getting her a birthday treat.

What am I going to do?

Oh, brainwave - what about the bottle just sans juice?

-Empty?

-Yeah.

Oh, I mean, do you - I'm thinking on my feet here -

but do you have the recipe?

You know, cos we could easily source some oranges.

-Waitrose do figs.

-Ah, now we're talking.

We don't have a recipe.

What about all this guff, then?

You can't use it now and I bet I can find something to dong in there.

-The packaging?

-Yeah.

There is a queue...

..of people behind you who actually care about the art of parfum.

Parfum?

-Parfum.

-Parf...

Parfum. (I don't know what that means.)

Just calling my mum.

Foster mum.

Yeah, thanks.

Been a bit homesick, to be honest.

You can borrow my Diptyque candles if you like.

We had very different upbringings.

Just thought... How are you going to have a nice birthday

when you've got your court hearing later for road rage?

The thought had occurred.

Jesus Christ...

Sorry, love. Alex was just trying to waterboard Marcus.

What? Where did he learn how to do that?

Oh, it's not his fault, love, he's just got issues with violence.

Well, he's not got enough issues with it, he absolutely loves it.

Happy birthday!

How are you, my love?

I'm good, thanks. Shall I?

Yeah, go on, then.

No way! Oh, thanks, Mum!

Cheese!

Oh, death! I forgot to send your bubble wrap.

Oh, that doesn't matter.

No, kill me dead, I'm a terrible mother.

-Foster mother.

-It doesn't matter, honestly.

What's the bubble wrap?

-Oh. You remember Hermione, Mum?

-No.

You've got some toast on your chin.

-Have I?

-Disgusting.

So that's her.

It's just tradition. I always liked popping it when I was younger.

But it doesn't matter, honestly.

I must say, I've been missing you at the moment.

Aw. Is London grinding you down?

No, I just miss...

Oh, Jesus Christ. Sounds like he got into the garage.

..oh, you know, your special birthday lasagne...

If he sniffs that weed killer again, we're all in for a rough ride.

She'll be back in a sec.

Tom's getting me a birthday surprise later. Seems quite keen.

We'll just wait for her to come back.

She's not coming back, Ellen.

She is ditsy, Hermione, but she's not that ditsy.

-SINGS:

-# When I was a youth I used to bung kali weed in a Rizla

# I used to bung it in a Rizla. #

Oh, God!

I'm an idiot.

-See?

-Homes Under The Hammer!

Marcus!

You're just going to sit and watch your fake mum watch TV?

Just for a bit.

Money.

So what are you going to do, then?

Just find a good time to tap Mum and Dad for cash.

Oh, she deserves a nice pressie, Maeve.

She's homesick and she's very, very pretty.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch your step, chief!

What's going on here?

Look at the floor. Hmm.

Look at the floor.

It's currently playing host to a herd of snails.

Well, not a herd.

I'm looking after these snails.

They get crushed every year and it's a bloody genocide.

Ooh.

Woo!

Now, George is having another crack at Theresa May.

I look forward to that ensuing mating dance.

Not!

HE LAUGHS

Hmm, she's incredibly frigid, Tom.

Just refuses to put out, it's actually quite annoying.

Because you want to watch the snails have sex?

Oh, very dry, Maeve, very dry.

Yes, I suppose I do.

-Sorry I'm late.

-That's OK.

Slept in. Had a bit of a Throne-athon last night.

-Oh, OK.

-Now...

I'm a bit nervous, to be honest.

Hey, keep your pecker up.

There are worse things in the world

than being sentenced guilty of road rage.

All right, yeah. Let's still obviously try to avoid that, though.

Oh, no, absolutely. You have to dare to fail, don't you?

Now then, your previous convictions...

I did wonder whether this would come up.

There were a couple of misunderstandings

when I was young, but...

Oh, my Lord!

You locked 40 Brownies inside a building!

How long for?

You do a prank, you lose a key, a Brownie has an asthma attack

and suddenly you're the bad guy.

Everyone needs to chill out.

Yeah, maybe don't say that in there.

No.

Dad, can I ask you a question?

Yes, I will show you this fun video about snails.

Right, not what I was going to say, but...

Well, correction, snails breeding.

Hmm, feel a bit weird watching...

It's not porn, Tom.

I wouldn't watch that with you.

Or at all?

Now this, this is the courting dance.

I'm sure you know all about that, you sly old thing.

I'm not a snail, so...

Not that you need a courting dance.

Why don't you just read her one of your poems?

Because I wrote them when I was 14.

Yes, I know, but that one about futility and dust, and...

Ohh, look.

Look at that.

Do you see how graceful it is?

And now the big moment. The male...

..fires into the female - this is the romantic bit -

a five millimetre calcium dart.

Laced with mucus.

-Oh, God!

-Hmm, ooh!

Absolutely sopping with the stuff.

That's disgusting. Mum, can I ask you a favour?

Let me guess, Tom, this is about money.

What? How do you know that?

Well at 10.08 your card was declined by a department store

on Oxford Street. You're over your overdraft limit.

You're paying £1.70 in percentage penalties.

And you haven't given me a cup of tea for about seven years.

Doesn't take a genius to work it out, does it?

Oh, my little sweet bean!

She's like a paid-up member of the Stasi, isn't she, Tom?

Yes! Do you just monitor my bank account day and night?!

-No, Tom.

-No, not at night.

No, we play bridge or sleep at night, Tom, you know that.

-Tournament this evening, in fact.

-OK, but...

The parent bank is closed to you, sir, we can't keep bailing you out.

Yes, you can.

All right, hold on, hold on. How much do you need?

Couple of hundred quid should do it.

Oh, Christ, Ashley, don't be taken in!

You've been letting him shaft you since he was a toddler.

-He's not getting a penny!

-Well, how am I going to...?

Get a job!

Excuse me, I'm Generation X!

Or Y. There aren't any jobs for us, they're all taken, apparently.

Well, Barbara's son's a barber.

-What?

-Barbara's son's a barber.

What are you implying, Les, because she's called Barbara?

Don't be dense, man!

Well, that's how it used to work.

Greg Smith would become a blacksmith.

Arnold Butcher would become a butcher.

No, Dad, it's the other way round.

They got those names because of the jobs they did.

-Yes, the chicken and the egg mystery.

-No!

Well, now we're getting to the nub of it.

What do you actually want to be?

I've told you before, Paxman meets Fry.

-What?

-How many times?

Jeremy Paxman meets Stephen Fry, a mixture of the two.

So, University Challenge, the odd interview, then books,

acting and gadget reviews.

You can't just become Paxman meets Fry.

Um, I know, it's proving very difficult.

It's a generational curse.

In the past, it would have been easily doable.

In the '70s, it was basically graduate, become Paxman.

Now, it's graduate, guess what? Paxman already exists.

It's hell!

SHE SIGHS

Phew. Good. Can't complain.

Well, they found me guilty.

Oh, were you not guilty?

Well, I guess I was, but...

You see, this is what I mean, really, eyes bigger than your belly,

verdict-wise.

Now, pop quiz - have you ever worn an electronic tag before?

What? No!

Well, hopefully it won't be for long.

Now these are the socks that some of my clients like to use

to cover it up.

I buy them by the bulk load,

got a kind of an understanding with the manufacturer.

I'm quite a major customer, actually.

Right.

Ramming a Leukaemia Foundation van, I dunno, you!

It was an accident!

I think I know what's going on here.

You're upset about your conviction.

Yes!

Bound to be, bound to be, love.

Now, listen, curfew-wise, it's in by nine.

-Nine?!

-PM. Daytime is your oyster.

Can it not just be a little bit later tonight?

I'm getting a birthday treat.

They don't care, really, about that.

And obviously, at some point, we will need to

organise your community service.

What happens if I'm late for the...?

Back in court, straight back in court, or a cell, or even,

heaven forfend, but judging by my track record, jail.

Right.

Well, that is me, I'm afraid.

I think it's time for what I have become accustomed to call

two whole bottles of white wine.

Do you know, I can't believe that you're doing this, Tom.

I don't know what other choice I've got, Maeve.

I mean, I suppose it's fine, isn't it?

We are basically responsible for any brightness in Gran's life

post the age of 70.

Do you remember that time we sang down the phone to her at Christmas?

-No.

-Hmm.

-That's a blank cheque right there, isn't it?

-Hmm.

Gran.

SOFT VOICE: Graaan.

She's a deep sleeper, isn't she?

Yeah, very peaceful.

Gran?

-It seems a shame to wake her, really.

-Yes.

-Still though... LOUD VOICE: Gran?

-Tom!

Ever so deaf.

MOBILE RINGS

Let this do what comes naturally.

Unbelievable.

She wants to get those seen to.

Hello?

You're not to ask your gran for money, Tom!

Oh, my God, you're everywhere!

Well, what can I say, I'm a busybody.

-She is, Tom.

-(It's Mum.)

Do not ask your gran for dough.

She's right, Tom.

Your gran is incredibly tight-fisted.

Oh, no, that's not the point, Ashley!

The point is, it's immoral!

-Well, it's both, Les.

-No, it isn't!

Look, Tom, we don't want her to spend all the money now,

-there's a will at the end of this, you know.

-Ashley!

-What?!

Well, no!

Yes, OK, listen. Are you still going to this bridge tournament tonight?

Ha! Would Usain Bolt miss a sprinting match, Tom?

It's called a race, Les.

Oh, piss off, Ashley. Yes, we are going.

OK, hold on. Maeve, do you think it's a good idea? Ellen's homesick,

she misses her mum's lasagne... Do you think I could maybe...?

Tom, are you even talking to us any more?

Oh, so sorry.

There's no point you being on the phone

if I'm not even going to talk to you, it's so rude of me.

Let's go, Maeve.

Hello?

Margaret!

Oh, piss off.

Oh.

He's invited me over for dinner at his parents.

I think I might have nailed this one, Dad.

On my birthday?

Oh, the perils of downgrading.

Remember when Luke took you to Paris

and you had a meal in the restaurant up the Eiffel Tower?

Choc ices? Whoops-a-daisy, four in the freezer.

Tickets to the ballet in Moscow.

Skips, the best crisps, multipack, boom!

Followed by a necklace you could use as a deposit on a flat.

And then my favourite, Bananagrams.

I mean, I'm basically George Clooney.

This is going to be...

-BOTH:

-Very interesting.

Bought my own cake. Mum forgot my bubble wrap.

My date's wining and dining me at his parents'

and I've got an electronic tag on my ankle.

Happy birthday(!)

# Love is a thing that I can't describe... #

Argh, ow!

# Sounds so foolish if I even try... #

Put this in your mouth. It helps with the onions.

That's it.

# Love is a verb and a noun as well

# Find it in the dictionary under L

# They give you a description They spell it out

# But they don't say what it's all about

# Love is a fire that you can't control

# That burns in the middle and it leaves a hole

# You can't fill it up

# And you don't know when it's gonna start to burn again. #

What am I actually going to do?

I don't know why you didn't just blame your horrendous upbringing.

I didn't have a horrendous upbringing.

-Yes, you did.

-No, I didn't. How can you think that?

One word - Leeds.

OK.

I meant, what am I going to do about having to be back by nine

to avoid prison?

How am I going to pull that off?

-You've heard of taxis, haven't you?

-Yes.

But I've got to spend at least two hours there

or it's taking the piss a bit.

And I'm not massively keen on him knowing I'm a felon.

Get there early, leave there early. It's the Poirot method.

-The...?

-Poirot method.

You pretend you were invited earlier than you actually were,

turn up an hour or so early.

The other person will insist it was their mistake

and you can leave in time for Poirot.

That does sound good.

I'll call you at a good time, like it's an emergency.

I think I'll try that, then.

This is the perfect birthday pres,

making me a no-brainer romantic partner.

Oh, just recite your poem they read out in assembly, honestly.

No, Dad, the way to a woman's heart is through her stomach, famously.

Also, obviously I'll pay you back for the ingredients.

-I've got it just how she likes.

-No, no, no, Tom,

just say we had stuff in or you found a fiver in your slacks.

I. Gave. You. Nothing. Do you hear?

-Doesn't bear thinking about.

-What's she actually going to do, Dad?

Well, it's all rather cloak and dagger,

but, you know, TV rights will be revoked.

-What have you been watching recently?

-Wife Swap.

-Hmm, is that because you sometimes think about...?

-Oh, just a bit.

What, five days being nagged by Jenny Bond?

Yes, puh-lease!

Barely covers it. What else?

Oh, yes, no more Soreen fruit loaf.

Ah-ha.

And then of course there's the...ahem.

The other thing.

Let's not talk about the other thing, Dad.

Understood, but your mother can hold out.

OK!

She's like one of those beetles in the desert.

-Is she?

-They can survive a nuclear holocaust, Tom.

-OK, I'm going.

-You do know I'm talking about sex, don't you?

Yes, I know!

Yeah, I made that lasagne you like because I know you miss it

from home, but I just hope you enjoy it, really.

Me? Blogger, mainly. I've got about over 30 subscribers,

but I don't like to shout about it, do you know what I mean?

Music-wise, Radiohead really,

and I also like, have you heard of classic music?

That's, um... Into that.

And I'm getting into, I'm starting to think about getting into reggae.

Hmm.

-CRUNCH

-I heard that!

-What?

That sound.

Oh, what? Oh, was it a snail?

Ooh...

God!

No, my very worst nightmare.

Bovver boots too!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Um, I wasn't expecting a snail.

I wasn't really thinking about snails.

Nobody ever does.

Is he going to be OK?

Oh, yes, yes...

He's having a whale of a time.

You've fractured his skull, love!

You have basically broken his spine

and torn the roof off his house in one fell swoop.

That is bad.

Oh, I'm so...I am so upset, but you know, it's a snail after all.

I know.

According to wikiHow, well, they can sometimes survive these things.

-Oh, well, that's good.

-Good?

You think this is, I'm quoting here,

"really, really good, fantastic news?"

No, no, I didn't mean to say...

You're happy, let's celebrate. Oh, bring out the bunting.

I'm Ellen, by the way. Um, I'm Tom's...

This isn't time for that, this snail's life is currently

flashing before its tentacles!

Yes.

Oh, Smeg.

He had a lot of guts, this one.

Is...is Tom around?

Oh, you're early.

Tom said you'd be here for eight o'clock and it's a quarter to seven.

What's going on?

You must be joking!

Oh, I can't see what has happened there.

Ashley!

Wear a tie at least. You look like someone who installs windows.

He's in his room, love.

Top of the carpet hill, first turnstile on the left.

Yes, I exercise.

I like to do mainly thigh work.

I've got rock hard thighs, basically.

-You're early!

-Aargh!

SHOUTS: Mum! Mum!

Mummy!

OK, so it's all about distracting attention away. Ellen, Ellen - away.

Away. So...

Have we even got a first aid kit?! What's he done with it?

-Have you seen the Red Dwarf DVDs?

-What are you talking about?

I'm trying to distract her from the pain. She's suffering. Quickly, Tom.

Just get her a glass of water whilst we find the first aid kit, Dad!

Glass of water, brilliant distraction.

Well done, Jocky Wilson!

Ashley, where have you put the bloody...?

Ah...

-OK.

-OK.

-Hurry up.

-Right, well, that's empty.

-What do you mean empty?

-There's nothing in there.

-We need more than that. Nothing isn't enough.

Yes, well, we need to disinfect her cos there is such a thing as, Thomas, tetanus!

Is there? God, that sounds bad. I thought that was in the past.

Did we not sort of get over that as a society?

-No, you're thinking of dropsy or the puking fever.

-I'm not, actually.

We need antiseptic and bandages.

That is what we need, Tom. That is where we're currently at.

OK. I'll get some, I'll go. I'm going to make this all OK.

-Please don't be weird with Ellen.

-It'll be fine, Tom.

Oh, God!

Ellen. Oh, distraction, distraction, distraction.

There we go, who's that?

Who's that?

Come on.

I'm here, Maeve, give me what you've got. I don't know what Mum and Dad

are doing with Ellen and it's making my internal organs feel actually sad.

It says on this here anonymous blog...

Not a good start, Maeve.

Teapot!

Ah, Bogger.

Um, thing is, great to see you, pal. It's not a great time, to be honest.

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Teapot, we are going for a pint, mate.

-Um...

-'Who's that?'

It's Bogger. Not a great time, to be honest, Bogs.

-Yeah.

-You said Bogger? You haven't seen him since school, have you?

What are you doing with Bogger, then?

I'm not trying to be with Bogger. No offence, Bogger.

No way.

-Didn't Bogger kill a cat?

-Not now, Maeve!

You seem stressed out, Teapot.

Teapot was never my nickname.

Just think of it as a splinter, if that helps.

It's honestly fine.

Big metal splinter plunged into the bicep muscle.

-OK, Ashley.

-Oh, these things happen, it's fine.

In the Middle Ages, this wouldn't even have been an event.

We need to extract it, of course.

Have you got something she can bite down on for the pain?

-Oh, God.

-Stick an apple in her mouth?

-Oh, God!

-Should we not wait for Tom?

-Yes, maybe we should.

I actually don't have that long, bit of a mix-up, because...

-We'll be doing it now, Ellen.

-OK, it's just...

Do we need to take it out?

Could it, you know, just stay there, for now/indefinitely?

I'll be taking it out, Ellen. I've got pumped up for it, you see.

It's my grandfather's dart, that's the problem.

-They don't like to see it leave the premises.

-Fair enough.

-LAUGHING:

-And how would you get your coat on over that?

They're all valid points.

Oh, look at that, the fruit bowl's on fire!

What? Ow! You witch!

Shit!

No!

Sorry!

I really, really didn't mean that.

That was very, very unkind!

I don't even know anything about you these days.

Jesus Christ!

Um, jobless, penniless, just threw a dart into a woman. You?

-I didn't know that you played darts.

-That's not the point, pal.

I just got married.

And my first novel is being published in September.

OK, that's...that's great.

Maeve... Are you kidding me?!

I mean, you were literally very dribbly in sixth form.

I got myself together.

OK, that's great. I do not have time for this now.

Maeve, is that honestly all you've got for me?

Yeah, hold on.

Where do you live now?

A little five-bed in Primrose Hill.

Primrose Hill! What, a five-bed?

A house, yeah.

Well, one of the bedrooms is more of a study-cum-chill out zone,

though, really.

And one of the rooms scares me anyway.

EMOTIONLESS LAUGH

Again, I am so, so sorry. It was instinct.

It's fine.

Well, without sounding too lovey-dovey,

I am absolutely made up he put a dart in you, Ellen.

-MOBILE BEEPS

-Ashley, it's not exactly classic seduction.

That, that is a point.

Oh, my God, is it 8.30 already?

I think I know what will seal the deal.

What are you doing, Ashley? This feels like poor form.

-You know what, I...

-Tom's poem from the early noughties.

Lovely offer, but, um, well, my flatmate is...

There is always time for verse, petal.

Now, at this time, Tom was heartbroken.

-Was it by that Vicky girl from, I think it was, Sepley Street?

-Hmm.

Anyway, she had cheated on him,

now bearing in mind he was 15, with...

..a ten year old.

Oh, dear.

Ten-year-old chorister.

And this was his creative response to that incident.

Look, I know you really want to read me that poem

and I know I just elbowed you in the face, but I genuinely...

"Cackling black eagles eat away at my face..."

OK, fine.

"Am I the first to feel so much, so young?

"Vicks turneth her tricks With the songbird a decade young

"Still quite handsome In spite of eczema.

"But am I not noble?

"But I bear my cross like Jesus - Jaunty, with a spring in my step."

Great. Well, we won't embarrass Tom...

"The bitch wouldn't listen with her slutty ears!

"Perhaps I should cut the rod from off my bod and cast it..."

His penis, Ellen.

"..into the sea."

Well, cool.

Phew, powerful stuff.

Indeed, indeed. I really have to go.

Well, that fits with our schedule. Ashley, clothing.

All right, Les.

Oh, it's a shame you couldn't stay for the lasagne.

He cooked me a lasagne?

Choc ices, Skips.

Bananagrams!

That's all the stuff I told him I miss from home.

That is so nice.

Maybe I'll just stay. I'm just going to stay.

I think that's the tetanus talking.

No, honestly, that is the sweetest...

Yeah, no, well, we simply have to leave,

and I won't leave a wounded stranger unattended in the house.

-No offence.

-None taken.

But, please, disinfect yourself when you get home.

Ashley, by the creeping course of Christ, clothing!

Les, all right. Gee!

Oh, God, I probably should, but could you just tell him...

Yes, yes. Anyway, this is his present for you.

To be honest, I think it's entirely empty.

Oh, sure.

MUSIC: Beach Baby by Bon Iver

Goodbye then, Ellen.

CRUNCH

Oh, no, Ellen, no. Oh, God!

I'm so sorry.

Um... Hang on. Oh, I think I'm getting the...

-CRUNCH

-Hmm, hang of it.

Oh, please let that be it, Ellen. I can't take it, lass.

Hold on, I think this is all right.

-CRUNCH

-What did I just say?!

They are well camouflaged, aren't they?

-CRUNCH

-I didn't even move then.

Oh, Smeg, this is a whitewash!

This is Nam! This is Nam all over again!

-I'm so sorry!

-Oh!

# Only hold till your coffee warms

# But don't hurry and speed

# Once a time put a tongue

# In your ear on the beach... #

Where is she?

They're all dead, Tom.

What? Shut up. Where's Ellen?

She's on the warpath, mate. She's got a taste for it,

the old Frenchman's fever.

-Has she gone, Dad?

-Yes, she's gone, Tom.

You put a dart in her, left, your father read one of your poems...

You did what?!

And on her way out, she slaughtered all the snails,

-so he's quit the bridge tournament.

-Out of respect.

I'm still going.

I hate to be a pessimist,

but I don't think Cupid has let his arrow fly today, young man.

DOORBELL

-How did you know?

-Say again?

Bubble wrap, it's perfect. Thank you.

Well, I try.

-I've got to go.

-OK.

# Well, my baby love, love, loves me now

# Even more than I prayed for

# My baby love, love, loves me now

# Even more than I prayed

# I prayed, I asked

# But I didn't expect this

# My baby love, love, loves me now

# Even more than I prayed for

# Even more than I prayed

# Well, she loves

# She does

# But I had to be ready for it

# She loves

# She does

# But I had to be ready. #