The Real You Together

It's all about first impressions, Maeve.

Upping the averages, sexing the dossier, you know, rather than...

Showing the real you.

Exactly, yeah.

God, she's like a sort of angelic bear, like cuddly,

but no, not nearly as dangerous as a bear, as dangerous as an ant,

but as impressive as a bear.

I can't put it into words.

-Sounds like you're describing Baloo.

-Yes!

Thank you, he's a fantastic bear, so thanks, thanks ever so much.

But David Lynch Retrospective, that's pretty good, no?

The Elephant Man, that's quite a good sort of...

God, I want to divorce you sometimes, Ashley!

-Oh, dear.

-I want to divorce the crap out of you!

Hence date night, Les, that's why we do date night,

-to postpone that feeling.

-Can't postpone it for ever, Ashley.

Yes, you can! That's what marriage is.

-What's the problem now?

-I wanted to go to Chesterfield,

see the church with the bent steeple. (It's hilarious, Maeve.)

It's not just that, it's the marriage in general,

it's quite crap, frankly.

-Bloody Nora!

-Well, don't get divorced - the custody battles!

-Well, you're 25, mate, so...

-No, fair point, yeah.

We thought we'd discuss it when you both moved out,

-but obviously you've scuppered that plan, Tom.

-Well, sorry for keeping you together.

Oh, no, don't apologise, Tom, it's not just you, there's, um,

a physical element too.

Good, well, tone set, I am in the mood for love.

Exciting.

Do you think you'll tell him about ramming the leukaemia charity van?

I don't think so, no.

Got you some earrings, my love.

-Thought you could wear them on your date.

-Oh, I mean, I can't.

Please. I value and cherish our friendship. Please accept them.

Oh, that's lovely. Thank you.

So, why have you been looking at Rightmove?

Hold on, have you been on my internet history?

Yeah. How else would I know?

Sorry, yeah, just checking.

So, Rightmove, "wha guan," as they say round here.

Um...

Are you looking for somewhere else to live?

My father's giving you criminally matey rates, babe.

How would you feel if I was thinking of, you know, move...moving...

Am I making you nervous?

No. I love living here. It's...relaxing.

But, hypothetically, how would you feel?

Hypothetically?

Yeah.

Hypothetically, I'd be fine.

Right. But then if it's real, then...

It's not real, is it?

-No.

-Then it would be absolutely fine.

Cool, good to know.

Hurry up!

Come on, Les, traffic round the Shanklin Road's

ball-ache of the year a million years running.

Shanklin Road? You're going to La Plage?

Hence the lift.

-Reinstating date night.

-You're kidding me!

You're going to have the shellfish, aren't you?!

Oh, no, Tom's upset because I'm going to have the crab

and I'm allergic and my face and lips will swell up.

Yes!

Well, some of us

aren't afraid of our immune systems attacking our bodies, Tom,

some of us quite like it, and the crab is buttery as billy-o.

Please tell me you're taking an EpiPen?

I'm bringing two. I haven't decided on the starter yet.

What about Mum having to look at that?

-It's nice to have a change, to be honest.

-See?

That's not a good thing, Dad.

It's one night of the year, Tom.

You've got it too, you know - all the male Rydales have.

Hence why I don't eat shellfish!

Mum, tell him, stop stressing me out before my date!

Oh, you do like this one, don't you, rookie?

Do I hear wedding bells?

I'd willing wed her. I'd willingly father her children.

I'd willing father her grandchildren, for crying out loud.

Well, no.

-No, that's...

-Well, you'd...you'd have to...

-Have to impregnate your daughter to do that, Tom.

-No, scratch that.

That's not cricket.

Sure.

Disgusting boy!

Hi... Hi.

Yes?

Um...

Ha ha ha.

Here he is.

Oh, God, Mum!

Any closer to female acceptance, Tom?

Good way of putting it. Um, yes and no, really.

It was all right, but I think I made a bit of a flub.

I told her a white lie.

How was your date, Tom?

With death?!

-Oh, God, Dad! Don't do that!

-Ashley!

Oh, classic comedy.

Jesus Christ!

You should be trying to be less disgusting, not more!

-Sorry, Les.

-Look at what you're doing to Mum.

Oh, she doesn't mind. She'll get over anything eventually.

-No, I won't.

-You've forgotten who you're married to.

Ssh, ssh, ssh, name me one thing you couldn't ultimately forgive me for?

Eating Tom.

-What?

-Where's that come from?!

Well, if you murdered and ate my son Tom.

-Scary!

-Lesley!

-You asked.

-You shouldn't be able to come up with it that quickly!

Oh, I'm being criticised for being quick now, am I?

-Sorry, how would I even eat him?

-Don't work through the practicalities!

Blend him down, probably.

Oh, God, unbelievable!

What's wrong with her?!

How was it, champ?

Oh, yeah, fine.

She's so nice, it's just I told a white lie.

-She was talking... Sorry, do you mind if you go away when I'm talking to you?

-What?

-Just turn around.

-All right.

Disgusting.

She was talking about finding a new flat because her flatmate's weird.

I didn't want to sound tragic for living here, so I just blurted out...

-He's got his own two-bed flat in Mile End.

-What?!

-Ker-ching.

-Really?

It just came out. When money talks, sex listens, I thought.

He's also got a cinema room and, set your faces to stun,

-a vintage, claret-rouge Aston Martin!

-No, he hasn't.

Why did you say that?

I'm a pathetic individual, aren't I?

I think she might have known I was lying.

Oh, God, a few more are coming back to me.

He's Grade 8 on the cello, he's an amateur potter.

-Oh, Jesus!

-He actually ghost-wrote some of Roy Keane's autobiography.

-Roy Keane?!

-Roy Keane gave him some of his medals for helping out.

-That was a low point, admittedly.

-Who's Roy Keane?

She must have known, she went all quiet at the end.

Bet she bloody did!

I wanted to kiss him, but I got too nervous.

-Oh, God, Ellen!

-There was this long pause and...

-Go on.

-I didn't know what to do, so I just gave him a fist-bump.

-Ruffled my hair and said...

-See you soon, sport.

And she was off, just like that.

Not good.

BOTH: I've ballsed it.

Well, you need to confess, laddie.

Yeah, I know, I'm just going to take her for a nice meal and 'fess up.

I'm going to ask this guy if he can get me in somewhere good.

Do you remember Dwayne Pear,

who works at Time Out, used to fancy Maeve?

Name rings a bell, but I could just be thinking of the fruit, the pear.

No, true. Oh, Jesus!

Oh, it doesn't matter, Tom. I once said to a woman...

I'm sorry, I just can't be in the same room as you looking like that. Do you mind?

No, fair enough. Your mum's been saying the same for years.

Wakey wakey!

Sorry, I'm going to have to burst your bubble, Ellen.

Argh!

Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey.

Oh, hi. Sorry, I did not sleep well.

I had this nightmare last night.

Oh, babe, that wasn't a nightmare.

You really did go on a date with him.

No, Hermione. Morning, by the way.

I think that film really freaked me out.

It was about the Elephant Man.

Why did he take you to the Elephant Man?

Only film that offers him a favourable comparison?

No, Hermione. I just hate films like that.

That face keeps haunting me.

Can I carry on with the part of the conversation that most interests me?

-Great.

-Yes.

You mentioned last night Tom said he had his own place

and you were clearly enthralled by that.

Well, I guess the only problem with it is,

I found his address on the electoral roll.

Didn't even take long.

You shouldn't be doing research on my dates, Hermione.

Two hours, and he is not massively Mile End, he's East Finchley.

Oh, right, well, I think that's where he said his parents live,

so maybe he's just not changed his electoral...

He lives with his parents. Like a child.

And he has constructed a matrix of lies to get into your pants

and then dump, stroke, hope not, but maybe abuse you.

-Do you really think he's lied about where he lives?

-Yes.

If you're in any doubt, call the number,

which I have taken the liberty of locating for you.

-Right, well, I'm not going to do that, because I don't want...

-Well, it's ringing.

PHONE RINGS

Telefonico!

Telefonico!

Oh, Jesus wept!

I was resting!

-I was just about to get it.

-Well, I'm up now.

-Well, sit back down again, then.

-Once I'm up, I'm up.

You know that, once I'm up, that's me, up.

Hello? ..Oh, yes, it is.

..Oh, how are you?

..Good, well... ..No, I'm not bad, not bad.

Well, I say that,

I had an anaphylactic reaction to some shellfish last night,

so, well, I sort of planned it, so I can't really complain.

No, you're right. Yeah.

Yes, the grip and slog of life, yes.

Oh, well, apart from that, I have run out of talcum powder.

Oh, I'll tell you what I did see,

I saw the biggest pigeon I have ever seen last week.

..Of course.

It's Ellen.

What?!

It's Ellen.

WHISPERS: Why are you talking to her about pigeons and talcum powder?!

Sorry, hold on, Ellen. Have you ever heard of flirting?

Bally ho, boy!

I shouldn't be doing this, Tom's going to think I'm a psychopath.

WHISPERS: I told her I don't live here.

I told her I live in Mile End, I'm not here.

That's all you have to do!

Right.

Ellen, love, he...isn't here, he doesn't live here,

so he's not here at all.

He hasn't been here for three years.

Oh, that's a long time.

So who were you just talking to?

Er, let me just check.

-WHISPERS:

-Who was I talking to?

Make someone up.

What do you mean, make someone up?

I mean, make someone up!

Christ!

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Hello, Ellen, love.

I was talking to... Have you heard of Judy Finnigan?

God, Dad!

Judy, wow!

What the bloody hell?!

God, your voice cuts through me, Lesley!

Oh, shut up, Ashley!

Well, it's like crabs scuttling across piano strings!

-I know.

-I'm on the other line.

Well, who are you talking to? Announce yourself, caller.

Hi, it's Ellen. Hello, Mrs Rydale.

What are you doing talking to Tom's girlfriend, Ashley?

Hang on, hang on, are they officially boyfriend and girlfriend?

Oh, it's not good.

Well, we haven't really...er, yeah, we only met the other day, so...

It's a no from her, Tom.

Well, I'm hoping to call Margery Beech.

-Her eczema has returned with a spring in its step.

-Oh, dear.

And it's torpedoed her bridge playing, so time is of the essence.

Can you put her on to Tom quickly, please, Ash?

Tom's not in, because Tom doesn't live here.

What do you mean, he doesn't live here?

Does he live there, sometimes?

-Oh, no!

-He bought a flat in Mile End, love, don't you remember that?

He bought a flat in Mile End? Tom?!

I don't th...

Soz.

Dwayne Pear, as I live and breathe...

Yeah, can you call me back in ten? Thanks.

-Been a long time, Rydale.

-Yeah, thanks for seeing me at short notice.

-It's all right.

-I need restaurant tips.

-Well, you've come to the right man, then.

-Yeah. How is everything going at Time Out?

-Five stars.

-Brilliant, well, that's good.

What's an ordinary day like for you? Like, what do you get up to?

I review a couple of restaurants...

PHONE RINGS

Futtards Letting executive manager, Hermione Onassis Smith speaking.

Oh, hi, Hermione.

Ellen?

Hi.

Um, just, just calling for a catch-up, how are you doing?

You called my office. What's the matter?

Oh, my God, you're looking for a flat!

I didn't know you worked at Futtards.

Er, I knew you were an estate agent.

Oh, well, where did you think I worked?

Just generally, estate agent in general, roaming.

And where are you looking? Mile End?

What? Maybe.

He doesn't live there, Ellen. He's lying.

He is not lying.

I mean, of all the places to lie about,

I feel I drop four social classes just passing through Mile End.

Well, I would happily live there.

I would move in with him.

Did I mention he's got underfloor heating?

He hasn't got underfloor heating. Grow up!

You've known him less than a week, Ellen!

Oh, God, you are so institutionalised.

And he's given you a nightmare.

He's a big monster looming out of the fog!

He is not a monster.

He is a sensitive cellist, who thinks I am a lunatic

because I called his parents after our first date.

-PHONE BLEEPS

-Oh, hang on.

Corn in Egypt, it's him!

This is it, second date.

It's do or die and don't be weird, that's my mantra.

Can I give you some advice?

-No!

-Wardrobe, hygiene?

I can manage my own life just fine, thank you.

Now if you will excuse me, I happen to be late

for an interrogation at the police station for my recent road rage.

So, yeah, anyway,

I've been keeping abreast on Facebook of all your successes.

Yeah, likewise, man, with all your, um...

Just you, but, er, lots of photos of you and your folks on there, which is nice.

Yes, so, anyway, I took her to this film, The Elephant Man,

last night and I basically poured her a silly porky pie,

and I just want to confess in just the best place possible

and apologise and show her a good time.

-Fershangwenthl.

-Sorry, I didn't hear?

-Fershangwenthl.

-Yes, I've no idea.

-So have you not heard of...?

-Yes, I have.

Oh, OK.

It's this really cool, amazing new restaurant everybody's heard of.

-Yeah, I know.

-And is going crazy about.

-Hm.

-And it's called Fershangwenthl.

-Yeah, Fershang...

-Fershang-wenthl.

-Fershangath...

-Fershangwenthl.

Fershang-alang.

This really great place, this Thai guy who settled down in Wales

and began to absorb elements of Welsh cuisine into his own.

Oh, that sounds delicious.

Yeah. Um, but you, yeah, you probs won't be able to get a table,

to be honest, mate. Not for a few months. Sorry, I shouldn't...

-Oh, could you maybe pull a few strings...?

-Er...

-No, probably not.

-I mean, no, it's just, yeah...

-No.

-There's only so many times you can play that card.

-I know. I know. No, forget about it.

Forget about it. It's just good to chew the fat.

-Yeah.

-Um, Maeve says hi, by the way.

What do you want to do now, do you want to go...?

Maeve? Maeve? How is Maeve doing these days?

-Is she all right?

-Yeah.

I haven't seen Maeve for a long time.

You kind of, sorry, am I remembering this correctly,

you sort of fancied Maeve a bit, didn't you?

I still think about Maeve all the time.

Hm.

Sorry, I know it's weird because it's your sister

and everything, but Maeve is just pure sex.

Isn't she?

Yeah, she's not to my taste, obviously...

-Sorry, she's your sister and it's weird, but...

-That's fine.

OK, how about this? I get the table at the restaurant...

-Right.

-..and you bring Maeve...

-Yeah.

-..and we have a double date.

What did you say it was, Welsh?

-Welsh Thai.

-Welsh Thai.

And it would really impress your one...

Hm, one is a bit...

And Maeve would love it and it would be, yeah.

Wait, yeah, sorry.

Would you...would you mind pimping out your sister just to get

a restaurant reservation?

No, I think it's fine.

To be honest.

Cool, man.

Yeah, that should be nice.

Can this guy get a shuffle on? It's been 40 minutes.

I'm meeting someone in a couple of hours.

Look at me. Relax, OK?

Oh, God.

MOUTHS: Smile.

Sorry to keep you.

Bit of a wrestle with a jacket potato.

-Oh.

-Now, then...

HE SNIFFS

Oh, can you smell that?

Can you smell that? What is that?

That's bizarre.

It could be a bolognese, but it's a bit creamier.

-OK...

-Yeah, I can smell that, yeah, that's an odd one.

-Are you getting that?

-Yeah.

-Shall we just...?

There's almost an element of off coriander.

Well, it's almost, I'm tempted to say, a bit metallic.

All right, don't get sucked in. Shall we get on?

Yes, sure. I'll be mother.

Um, bop.

Right, it is 5.30 and we are here

because a witness identified you as ramming a leukaemia charity van.

Bloody hell!

Right, um, present are...

Jack Sterling and my client...um...

I'm so sorry, you're going to have to give me a trigger.

-I...

-Ellen Baxter.

Fairly do's.

Um, next of kin?

Ah, that I do remember. No parents.

Can you not just point at me and say "no parents"?

Orphan.

I've got a foster mum, but she lives in Leeds.

Right, Ellen Baxter.

We are here to discuss a vehicle collision on Monday 23rd.

Would I be mad to say the words chilli con carne?

Oh, give that man a bloody medal!

Oh, God, I don't think I can take this.

Of course it is. OK, game on.

The trump in my hand is my favourite kind of footage...

buddle-de-bu da-ra, CCTV thereof.

Yes, so Ellen's coming, gosh, butterflies.

You... It would be great if you could come, Maeve.

Wild horses couldn't keep me away. I don't know why they would want to.

Hm.

So, Ellen's coming, you're coming, got an old buddy coming too,

-that's great. So...

-Hm. Who's that?

-What's that?

-Who's that?

Oh, the friend? He's like an old buddy.

Like an old pal.

Hm. Yeah, who though, sorry?

Yeah. No, cool.

So, what, sorry, what was I going to say?

Oh, yeah, what crisps are you hoping they'll have?

It would be good to choose now so there's no dilly-dallying...

-Hm, it feels like you're sort of avoiding the...

-It's Dwayne Pear.

Oh, really? Oh.

When did you two become friends?

Well, he got me into this Welsh/Thai fusion place, so...

Oh, Fershangwenthl, yeah. Cool.

Fershanathal, yeah.

-Yeah, Fershangwenthl.

-Fershangel, yeah.

So you're part of the deal, sort of thing,

it doesn't matter really, but from your point of view it's a date.

Oh, God! Well, he'd better not be a weirdo,

Tom, I don't want to have to sleep with a weirdo.

I mean, obviously you don't have to sleep with him at all.

Yeah, you know what I'm like, though.

-Not really. I'm not massively...

-Basically, I can be quite...

-Don't have to tell me.

-I'll shag anything.

Oh, God, Maeve! That's horr...

Oh, that's horrible.

Hm. Yeah, it's very grainy, isn't it?

Do you think?

Um, yeah, yeah, I do. Don't you?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I can't see a thing.

Sorry, what is, what is this?

I think I can make out, like, an owl, is it?

Well, we have taken the trouble of enhancing the image.

Oh, dear, not good.

I now have to advise my client not to comment

until further notice, otherwise we're in deep trouble.

-Um...

-Ah-ha.

Ellen, this is a photo of one of the girls that the charity helps out.

Now, I know he says don't comment,

but I get the impression that you're a good person.

Ah-ah-ah, read my lips, mate, she doesn't care about that little girl.

Period.

Wait, no, I do care.

I think I might have to hold you for a while.

What? Oh, no, please.

Hold her? Really? That doesn't seem appropriate.

In a cell. I'm not saying cuddle.

Oh, right, oh, fine. No, that's fine.

Is it?! Is it fine?

That's fine by me. What's your take?

Can I at least get my phone call?

I've got a do-or-die second date.

Once we've done the paperwork and we have signed off the charge, then...

Can I have the phone call before you sign the paperwork off?

Yeah, why not?

And while we're at it, why don't we smoke some doobies

and get some pizzas delivered?

No, no, you can't, you can't do that.

Dwayne Pear,

if I didn't know better I'd think you were trying to get me drunk.

Well, you do know better, because I am trying to get you drunk.

I do bad things when I'm drunk, Dwayne.

Then get that bloody peach schnapps down your throat, woman!

Cheers.

Do you want me to do my shot?

Don't care, mate.

Oh, great.

Have you got the same menu as me?

Because I can't really...

Yeah, it's in Welsh and Thai.

You can ask them what it means if you need to.

-Oh...

-But it's very frowned upon.

Absolutely. I'll figure it out.

What, you'll work out a whole language?

I don't know, Maeve!

She's not coming, is she?

I liked her.

Now she thinks I live with my parents...

You do live with your parents.

And she's sacked me off in favour of someone more independent, I suppose.

Oh, my God, already!

Jesus! Fine.

Um, ignore me, I'll just check my BBC news app,

see if they've done anything about the Middle East.

Yemen, Syria, etc.

Right. It's time for you to get your ET on.

What?

Phone home. Bit of fun I do.

Oh, thank God for that.

Can you...?

Yes, of course.

I think she's rumbled me.

How late does someone have to be before you've been stood up?

I think if they're not here by...

Yeah, that's a good cut-off point, yeah.

Oh, Christ!

Right, bugger. I guess I'd better call my mum.

Oh, no, no, no. Don't call your mum.

Mums can be very melodramatic as a group.

Well, I've got no-one else to call.

He's going to think I've stood him up

and I don't want to tell him...

I'm sorry to hear about that,

but, if we can please hurry it up a bit, that would be good.

We've all got places to be. I could have a wife and kids.

Do you?

I've got a lizard.

There is someone.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hi, there, it's Ellen. I phoned earlier.

So, so sorry to be calling,

but, um, well I've got myself into a bit of a pickle.

Sorry, dear, University Challenge.

Durham's with egg on its face yet again.

Honestly, they are to a man complete orks!

Um, could you let Tom know I've been delayed?

I can't get through to him.

I've had quite a rough night.

You and Durham both. All OK?

I've just made a stupid mistake

and I don't really know how to deal with it.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, Tom does live here, let's not beat about the bush.

He's got as much chance of buying his own place

as a piece of cardboard.

Well, I wasn't asking about Tom.

I am a tool! Interruption, lose ten points.

So he did lie, then, after all? Right.

To be honest, I did wonder, deep down. Fair enough.

I'm in the same position, to be honest.

Stuck where I am. London's hard.

My question was going to be, um, if you do something bad,

does it always pay to 'fess up?

I don't know what to do.

I will say this,

Ellen, I once ate 12 Babybels in under 40 seconds.

Right, is that...is that it?

Tom got the blame for the Babybels, I never 'fessed up, he got grounded,

cried for a week, he's a bit like that, you know, a bit wet.

Anyway, not a day, not a day has gone past...

Kilimanjaro! Kilimanjaro! I knew it!

Hello?

Right.

Right, OK.

I knew it!

If I 'fess up, will you let me try and meet my date?

Well, she's not come, has she?

Guys? Guys.

Jesus Christ, Maeve, you're in a restaurant!

What's weirder, her doing it or you watching it, mate?

Well, I mean, none of it's perfect, I wish I didn't have to choose.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh, my God, she's coming!

She knows where I live and she doesn't mind.

She doesn't hate me - yet.

Oh, the stars are aligning, things are finally are on the up.

Um, Dwayne, was there shellfish in this?

I beg your pardon? Answer the question, Pear!

In some of it, yeah, it's Welsh Thai, isn't it?

Oh, sweet mother of Jesus Christ!

That's the whole point, didn't you read my review?

No way! Boring!

What did you have? It's not in all of it.

I don't know, it was either Mongdong Llaredew or Mongdong Llaredach.

Yeah, well, there's a big difference, mate.

Llaredew is chicken with a punchy saffron.

Llaredach has lobster bisque in the sauce, it's unthinkably subtle.

She's going to be here soon, Pear!

I could kill myself, I could just,

were it not for certain talents that remain untapped, that I hope

to draw on in the future, I would eat this mush till my face burst!

All right, well, calm down, Tommo, which one was it?

If it was Llaredew, you'll be OK.

I don't know, I don't know! Llaredew, Llaredach.

I can't remember.

Llaredew, Llaredach, I don't know. Llaredew, maybe.

Llaredach, it's possible.

Llaredew, Llaredach.

Sorry, how long is this going to go on for...?

What, you're going?

Yeah, just, um, quite keen to get off home, really.

Just chomping at the bit to get back, really, mate.

Fine! If you want to go and bonk while I go into anaphylactic shock, then just go!

-Bog off!

-Music to my ears.

You're a true gent. Thank you, mate.

Mate, just be honest, just be honest with me.

How's my face, honestly? How bad is it?

What's it like?

It's not great.

Inflated?

No.

Oh.

Tom?

Oh, yeah, it was Llaredach!

# Cradle me Cradle you

# I win your heart with a whip-a-whoo

# Pulling shapes just for your eyes

# So with toothpaste kisses and lions

# I'll be yours and you'll be...

# Lay with me I'll lay with you

# We'll do the things that lovers do

# Put the stars in our eyes. #