The Chill of the Cockney Freezer Top Coppers

'This programme contains adult humour.'

Ice cream or drugs?

Drugs.

Ice cream or drugs?

BOTH: Ice cream, please!

Should you be selling drugs when children are around?

No, but who's going to stop me?

The police?

HE CACKLES

Oh, no - it's the police!

CHILD: Not the filth!

We're Officers John Mahogany and Mitch Rust

of the Justice City Police Department...

All right?

..and you're under arrest.

ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES

ENGINE STALLS

You book this guy, I'll sort the evidence.

So, the evidence?

Sorted it.

CLICK! BANG!

Hey, Stokes, did you catch the game last night?

-What game?

-Huh! Tell me about it!

-Hey, Garrity, what are you driving these days?

-Police car.

-Yeah.

You still up for video night tonight?

Sure, what are we watching?

I'll give you a clue...

..Speed.

-Is it Speed?

-Yeah.

-Good clue.

You two!

Quit your yapping and get your asses in here!

# Chief! #

-Chief.

-Chief.

Mitch, you blew up the evidence again.

Pretty much. Looked cool, though.

Yeah, I heard it looked cool - but goddamnit, boys!

City Hall's looking for any excuse to take your badges right now.

I can't defend you if you keep blowing shit up!

BOTH: Sorry, Chief.

Now, I need you to question this ice cream guy.

We think he's part of some kind of drugs racket.

-Has he given you a name yet?

-Chubby Bellend.

-What about his name?

He calls himself Steve, but we can't find nothing on file.

Steve...

However, we think he's working for notorious mob boss Harry McCrane.

What makes you think that, Chief?

Harry recently took over an ice cream factory

and he's the biggest gangster in Justice City.

Could be a connection.

It's all part of Mayor Grady's latest nutball scheme,

something called "Cons in the Community".

"Cons in the Community" will see Justice City's criminals

integrated back into society, including Harry McCrane here.

Rather than lock Harry away like some battery hen or elderly parent,

we're going to get some use out of him

and put him in charge of the city's largest ice cream business.

Mr Mayor, what about Harry's nine life sentences?

Nine lives? He's a man, not a cat.

HE CHUCKLES

Thanks, everyone, you've been great.

We need to find out Harry's next move,

so I'm going to need you boys to focus...

What the hell are you looking at?

A woman.

Goddamnit, boys!

I guess I should take a look at this myself.

Ah, that'd be Pippa.

She's the new psych covering for Varley, since his accident.

I think I love her.

-Bit desperate.

-No, maybe it's just love at first sight.

That's just something desperate people say, John.

I might go and chat with her, see if we've got anything in common.

Damn it, John! Women don't work like that.

Take it from a lover of another brother's mother -

you got to play it cool.

Thanks for the advice, Chief, but I think I know what I'm doing, yeah?

-Are you sleeping with your mate's mum?

-Get out!

-Hey...

-WHOMP!

-Oh, God!

-Sorry!

-Um, no, it's fine, you just, um, scared me,

the way you...swung in.

-Yeah, I did do that.

-And you are quite close, actually.

Oh, sorry, I couldn't really judge the distance.

You must be Pippa! Hi, I'm John.

Ah, yes. John Mahogany, of course.

And, er, you must be...

Mitch. Mitch Rust.

Mitch.

Cool. Er...

I'm sitting in on your questioning shortly. Um, "Steve", I think?

-Yes! That's our questioning!

-OK, great...

I mean, maybe it is, maybe it's not.

Whatever, yeah?

So, is it not your questioning, then?

Oh, no, like, it's... It is our questioning, yes. I was trying to...

-Has anyone showed you around yet?

-No, actually, they haven't.

-(Oh, God.)

-Well, maybe I could give you the tour, then.

-Please don't do Tour Time.

-Tour Time!

Helga, our forensics specialist.

She's got the nose of a bloodhound, eyes of a hawk.

Rumour is that she once performed an autopsy on her own boyfriend...

-Jesus, Helga!

-He was not my boyfriend,

but we were in an intense sexual relationship

until shortly after his death.

Zach, computer expert and information specialist.

There's nothing this guy doesn't know

when it comes to the latest technology.

Hey, what're you doing there, Zach - playing Solitaire?

No, I've just hacked your video library account.

There's some interesting titles in here, actually.

-I'll read them out, if you like?

-OK, on with the tour!

All right, Zach. How's the missus?

-Which one?

-HE SIGHS: Tell me about it.

And who are those guys?

Oh, they're just...a couple of cops.

Finally, this is my dad, Frank.

He was a hero cop, but lost his life in the line of duty.

Sometimes, I feel I can really hear his voice

calling from the other side...

But I'm not sure if it's really him or I've just got mental problems.

'He's got mental problems, all right. That's the least of his worries.'

Dad, I've got this. Shut up.

'Don't worry, love. He's never been great at talking to girls.

'Fancied one of his teachers when he was ten,

-'called her "Mum" and pissed himself.'

-Dad!

Then there's me. Well, what can I say?

I'm just a regular guy,

trying to get through life one day at a time.

Pip? Pip?

Pippa?

Pippa, I was just saying I'm a regular guy.

Pip?

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-So, the police...

they think they can arrest my son, Steve, just like that.

Cheeky little bastards.

Well, I'm about to teach them

that NOBODY messes with the McCrane family!

Yes, Sandra?

Hiya, Harry! I've been thinking about this whole crime thing.

Maybe we could just sell ice cream again?

We always did all right when we just sold ice cream.

Yeah, maybe we shouldn't bother with the drugs.

-It is a lot of hassle, Harry.

-We talked about this.

We sell ice cream AND drugs now.

But Harry, I make chocolate sprinkles.

I don't know anything about crack.

And what about poor Linda in the tasting department?

She's been off her tits the last three days.

Look, we sell ice cream AND drugs and that is final!

Now, you might have noticed some new faces in the room today.

Let's all give a warm welcome

to Nutcrusher, Death Machine

and RIPete.

ALL: Hiya.

So, to conclude this team meeting,

we are going to teach Justice City Police Department

a lesson they'll never forget...

And the disabled toilet is still out of order.

..and the disabled toilet is still out of order...

Sorry.

I'm not saying anything without my solicitor.

Where you're going, you won't need a solicitor.

Oh, yeah? Where's that, then?

A court of law.

For the record, if you do go to court,

you will be entitled to a solicitor.

Let's start with the ice cream business.

I told you, I'm not telling you filth anything.

Well, let me tell you something -

I'm not filthy.

I take excellent care of my personal hygiene.

Never had any complaints there...

HAND THUDS The drugs, Steve!

Where are you getting the drugs?

You should know, my family has got only two rules.

One, never use UHT cream,

cos it's crap -

and two, always take an eye for an eye.

-Is that a threat?

-No, it's a phrase.

Don't try and flex your muscles with us, Steve.

You might have noticed already, I've got big muscles, too.

What? Look, I'm not saying anything without a solicitor.

Well, when you do, I'll hear it. I'm a great listener, Steve.

Yeah, I'll just go and find out where he's got to.

Thanks, Pippa. Really appreciate it.

OK, I think I should just go for it and ask her out tonight.

It's video night tonight.

Come on, we can do video night another night.

It's a Monday night. Monday night is video night.

We're going to watching Speed, I've built a bus out of cardboard

and it's your turn to be Bullock.

I told you, I'm not doing those re-enactment things any more!

What do you think? Should I go for it?

-If you want. Whatever.

-Yeah, but it's video night tonight, Steve.

-Have video night, then.

-But I might not get another chance, Steve!

-OK, then, go for it.

-Oh, for god's sake, Steve!

What? I don't know!

Sorry, can we get back to talking about me, please?

Mates before dates, Steve!

-Don't cancel, then!

-You selfish bastard, Steve!

How am I meant to know what you boys...? Argh!

Help!

Get off me! Please, help!

-Come on, break it up!

-ALL SHOUTING

Drag me out of there! Go on, mate!

Drag me out of there!

It probably was a bit unprofessional, in hindsight.

-How's your incident report coming along?

-Nearly done.

Looks like Eddie can't reach his wheel again.

Oh, no. I guess he's going to need to find

a way to get from that cage down to this one.

-I'd say so. Bye.

-Bye.

Mitch! How do you like that?

I'm over here busting my balls on this McCrane case,

whilst your partner's trying to crack on to the new girl.

GENTLE LAUGHTER

So, I don't know what you're doing tonight.

Maybe you'd like to go for something to eat, or...?

Right, then. Let's have a look, shall we?

-Sorry, Mitch. I was just...

-Got your results back from the sex clinic.

The what?

Oh, dear-dear-dear. Oh, you've got the lot, mate.

You've got clap, clip, clop,

clippity, er... clippity-clop-clops...

-Athlete's, er, knob.

-Athlete's knob?

-Yep.

It's rotten, mate.

-It's ruined.

-Sorry, Pippa, would you excuse us for a moment?

What are you doing? Is this about video night?

What? No, I'm trying to help. Get you out of that dating bollocks.

What? But I want to go on a date with her!

What, with athlete's knob? That's not fair on her, mate.

I don't have athlete's knob!

Hi. Sorry to interrupt, I've gotta go, but just to say,

that would be really nice, I'd love to get something to eat later.

Amazing! That's great. Thanks, Pippa!

I'll see you a bit later, then.

I'll see you later. Thanks, Pippa! Really appreciate it.

Hey, we can watch Speed another night, yeah?

Yeah, yeah...

-Crisp?

-Oh, no. I've got dinner with Pippa later, it'd ruin my appetite.

CRISPS CRUNCH

THUMPING

Yeah! You're a stubborn little bastard, in't ya?!

Hiya, love. RIPete asked me to let you know

that there's some good news and some bad news.

Good news is, the plan to get Steve back is going great.

Excellent - and the bad news?

We've run out of wafers.

Jesus Christ! Do I have to do everything myself around here?!

-SHE WHEEZES THEN GIGGLES

-Oh, what's he like?!

Right.

Looks like it's time to give the police

some McCrane family justice -

right after I order some more wafers.

That's not your coat, Mitch.

-So, this is nice.

-Yeah, I love a curry.

Me too. We'll regret it in the morning, though!

-SHE CHUCKLES:

-Yeah. Maybe.

Sorry, I don't mean we'll be together in the morning.

-No, I know...

-I just mean we'll independently have the shi...

So, what happened to Varley, then, the regular psych?

Er, perfume accident, apparently.

Perfume accident? Bloody hell, how is he?

-Incensed?

-SHE GIGGLES

-Oh...

-LAUGHTER

Get it?

-Do you like jokes, then?

-Oh, I love jokes!

OK.

I can't find the toilets around here.

They're right there.

Won't be long.

And I couldn't eat it, so I just gave it to Mitch and er...he ate it.

This is me.

-OK. Um... Well, er...thanks for a lovely evening.

-Do you, um...?

Do you want to come up for coffee?

-Sure, sure, I... I'd love to.

-John!

Mitch, what are you doing? Are you drunk?

Yeah. It's a fair cop.

OK, well, I'm just quite busy right now, so, um...

-Do you want to go and nick a bus?

-No, I don't want to steal a bus.

-There might be a bomb on it. I don't know...

-Mitch! Go home.

Oh! I s... I see what's going on here.

HE LAUGHS: Yeah! SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yes!

Right, well... I'll be off, then.

Nick it by myself.

You should, um, probably go and make sure that he's OK.

Or we could have that sex that you mentioned?

-I...didn't mention sex.

-Coffee is...

-He's going to go and steal a bus...

-He does that every video night...

-Just go and I'll see tomorrow.

MUFFLED SCREAMS

One of our own, taken - from right under your damn noses!

-Pip?

-As if I ain't got enough on my plate right now,

what with that bus that got stolen last night!

-What are we going to do, Chief?

-"We"? What do you mean "we"?

I've a good mind to take you off this case...

I'm sick and tired of covering for you all the time!

The way things are going, you boys are lucky to still have your badges!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Sorry to interrupt, but there's an urgent phone call for you, Chief.

We think it is Harry McCrane.

(..two, one.)

ALL: Hello?

This is Justice City Police Department. Who the hell is this?!

'Hello, Officer.'

If you want your precious Pippa back in one piece,

then I suggest you safely return Steve

to the ice cream factory tonight.

And if there's funny business, then Pippa will be sleeping with the...

DIAL CLICKS Hello?

-I'm on the phone. Hello?!

-Is that you, Harry?

-Yes, Sandra!

-'I'm on the line.

-Oh, sorry, love. I was calling you'

to go through the checklist for the school run tomorrow.

-All right. Go on, quickly.

-Fab?

-'Yep.

-Mint Feast?

-Yep.

-Screwballs?

-No, they need restocking.'

-Nobbly Bobbly?

-Sorry, Sandra - can we sort this later?

I'm in the middle of a ransom call here!

'Ooh! Very posh.'

You'd better do what he wants, cos he's a right moody bugger otherwise!

SANDRA CHUCKLES Yeah, thank you, Sandra.

All right, so long!

Bye, Sandra.

You know what to do.

OK, let's get to work.

You two, prep the prisoner for exchange.

You boys made too many mistakes.

You beat up a suspect, blew up the evidence,

but I'm going to give you one...more...chance,

because, deep down, I know that, if there's one thing you'll never do...

it's dishonour the badge.

I have the forensics report from the bus that was stolen last night.

-Ice cream?

-Oh, you fancy an ice cream?

Ice cream is the greatest healer.

-No, TIME is the greatest healer.

-Not in this case.

-She'll probably be dead in a few hours.

-Right, that's it!

Give me one reason why I shouldn't kick you out of my car.

-I sleep in it.

-What?!

-You've been sleeping in my car?!

-Pretty much.

How long for?

I try and get at least eight hours.

I think you'd better go.

-All right.

-Just let me pull over somewhere safe so you can...

-Mitch?

-BRAKES SCREECH, HORNS BLARE

# You think you have it all

# Then it all just slips away

# When life starts beating you down

# You get drunk and go and steal a bus

# His partner ditched him for a rubbish girl

# And drove off in the place he called home

# He just wanted a video night with the best movie in the world

# (Speed.) #

'Swans are one of the few animals that become mates for life.

'No matter what happens, they never turn their back on their mate.

'They always support their partner in their time of need.

'Also, the male swan has a retractable penis.'

# Maybe John was too tough

# Maybe John should've put mates before dates

# Mitch really did like crisps

# (Bacon). #

-Mitch?

-Don't make me touch it!

-It's me, John!

John!

All right?

-You got any change?

-You're a mess, mate! What happened to you?

The streets, John.

The streets happened to me.

It's only been half an hour.

Time is...meaningless on the streets, John.

-I'm sorry I ditched video night to go out with Pippa.

-That's all right.

-I'm sorry I called her a twat.

-Did you?

..no.

Look, the thing is... I've lost my gun, I've lost my badge,

but, more importantly, I...

-..I lost my home.

-Don't do that, don't touch that.

What I'm trying to say is, if...

if you want to get Pippa back, then let's do it.

Just because we don't have our badges any more,

-it doesn't mean we're not cops.

-That's exactly what it means.

Yeah.

Let's go save the bloody day, partner.

All right, partner.

-What are you doing?

-Let me in there!

-Get off!

-There!

-It's right there!

-Get out!

-What's wrong with you?!

I think this is the place.

We need a way in.

I've got it.

Shit! Chief's here with Steve already.

It's OK, I've got a plan.

-Go on.

-But you're going to have to go in there and buy me some time.

-OK, run it past me.

-Nah, it's brilliant.

-Trust me.

-I really think it's best we chat these plans through first.

John, I know I've let you down before, but not now.

Not this time. Just trust me, partner.

I trust you, partner.

-Wait!

-What?

-I got a different plan.

-What's wrong with the first one?

-It wouldn't have worked.

-What?!

-You might've been killed, actually.

-We were about to go and do it!

-It's fine.

This one's much better.

-Trust me.

-Mitch?

Mitch...

MITCH!

Welcome home, son.

You ain't never going to get away with this, McCrane!

Pippa, would you like to join your friends?

Grab 'em!

Mmm! Thank you for...

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-..reuniting me with my darling husband.

Oh, no - it looks like it's a double cross!

But how did she do it?

Oh, it was all pretty simple, really.

Varley?

Agh! BODY THUDS

-How do you think he feels?

-Incensed!

THEY LAUGH

Well, I must say, young lady, this resume is mighty impressive.

What can I say? I'm a psychologist with a capital S!

Sounds good to me. Welcome aboard!

-Cheers, Sandra.

-It's quite fun, actually,

this crime stuff, isn't it?

SHE LAUGHS

Once I convinced you I was one of your own,

I knew you'd give up Steve to get me back.

WAIT!

John! Please tell me you've got a gun.

No, Chief, I'm not armed...

except with the weapon of love.

Oh, shit!

Pip, I'm here to rescue you.

Um...

-John, she just said that she's a...

-Don't try and stop me, Chief.

There's something I want to say.

I will never let anything stand in the way of our love...

-Oh, Jesus!

-John, she just told us that...

Because you and me, Pippa....

-TUNELESS:

-# We are meant to be together

# Like two peas in a pod

# Or some doves flying high in the sky

# Tweet-tweet, you're my girl... #

-I'm a crook, mate.

-What?

I literally just told everyone before you came in.

So...

Yeah! Yeah, I knew that! That was... That was, um...

-I think someone's dropped something on the floor here...

-Dignity?!

-No.

-Your self-esteem?

-Not helping, Chief.

Well, that was the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen.

Right, let's kill 'em.

Try not to make a mess or I'll have environmental health all over me.

Three...two... CHIMES PLAY

What's that bleeding racket?

ENGINE REVS

Do you want a flake with that, bitch?!

Nice work, Mitch.

How did you know Pippa was a baddie?

She's what?

-Ice cream or drugs?

-What?

Only joking! We don't do that any more. Ha-ha!

I'll get you an ice cream. There you go.

Sorry it didn't work out with your girlfriend, mate.

Oh, that's all right - she'll come crawling back.

Well, she'll have to, she's paralysed from the waist down.

Well, boys, we learned a lot today.

I learned something new about love.

I learned something new about swans.

And I got brain freeze!

LAUGHTER

-Yeah!

-Oh... Oh, me too!

-Oh?!

-LAUGHTER CONTINUES

Ooh... Oh, ah, agh!

I've got it as well now!

You don't know what we're talking about, do you?

I don't know what we're doing.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES