The Girdle of Randall Rogers Top Coppers

'Tomorrow - life's greatest mystery.

'This is the FAS Infinity,

'and our quest is to solve that mystery.

'Because today is yesterday's tomorrow

'and the day after tomorrow is yesterday's three days' time.'

This programme contains some strong language.

Ensign, give me some space.

-No!

-Come on, quick wager. Ten quid.

What do you think the case will be?

It's always about money with you.

You could be a score up.

That's a Godiva short of a pony.

I have no idea what you just said,

but, fine, I'll say...

a crazed madman, trying to escape arrest,

but one thing he can't escape

is his past. You?

Famous actor getting death threats.

What we got, Chief?

Famous actor getting death threats.

-Oh for f...

-Mitch, you know about this already, of course,

cos we spoke about it earlier,

but to bring you up to speed, John,

this is none other than Randall Rogers.

Oh, my God, THE Randall Rogers? Captain Steele from Future Space?!

Well, not just Captain Steele, obviously -

he also played Steele's evil twin brother, Burton Steele,

-in series four, episode two.

-HE CHUCKLES

I mean, you know, I've seen a couple of episodes, you know,

I can take it or leave it.

Yeah! You're my bestest hero ever, Captain Steele,

and I think I love you!

Word is he walked out on the show

when they wouldn't give him more money,

so they had to wrap the whole thing up by using old shots

from previous episodes.

Prepare to evacuate the ship.

But, Captain, what about you?

I'm fine! Thanks, Nork.

-But what about our mission?

-Not now, Nork! Not now!

It's so brave of you to sacrifice yourself.

You betcha!

-Goodbye.

-Bye.

Needless to say,

he's made a few enemies.

He's doing a Q&A down at the old TV studio.

-Get down there and see what you can sniff out.

-God, I hate actors.

-What's wrong with actors?

-Oh, you know, they're all just so...

Ooh! Oh!

HE MAKES A SLURPING NOISE

Ooh, I'm a French king.

You know, weird people.

Listen, boys,

I got a bad feeling about this case.

Something happened to me a long time ago...

and I ain't fired my gun in over 20 years.

(Bloody hell.)

It was one of them unforgiving nights,

where the cold ran through your bones like a blade through butter.

-DOOR CLOSES

-And that's when I...

Aw, goddamnit!

Now in order to operate the body beamer effect,

a fully-qualified member of the special effects department

would pull on this lever,

thus depositing the human/non-human through the trapdoor, like so.

Obviously, teleportation technology doesn't actually exist,

at least that's what the government wants us to believe.

THEY LAUGH

Back in a bit.

-Well, this is shit.

-Yeah, tell me about it.

What a bunch of nerds.

Ensign Skylord!

-Hi, Martin.

-"Martin"?

Who's this "Martin" of whom you speak?!

A thousand dagons to you, Lieutenant Volklar.

I missed you at the last convention.

I trust you've read my latest work?

Future Space: How It Should Have Ended.

-Sooner?

-Where Captain Steele actually finds the eye of the universe,

so it has, like, a...

BOTH: ..proper ending!

If you'll excuse me, Ensign Skylord.

Citizen of Earth.

Greetings, Future Alliance officers!

Please give a warm, thousand dagons to everyone's favourite No 2,

Commander Nork! Earth name, Charles Leatherby!

-WEAK APPLAUSE

-Thank you. Thank you, adoring fans.

-OK, fire at will!

-HE LAUGHS

In the episode Cosmic Karma,

how could Nork be in two places at once?

Erm, because...

it's not real. Next.

Yeah, I've got a question. In series eight, episode one,

why does Nork claim to have never visited Targon 4

when he clearly has in three other episodes?

Yeah, well, it's a TV show. Next.

How did Nork survive the halogen explosion on Nebula 5?

Yeah, yeah, it's all made up. Next.

Do you hate Randall Rogers?

Hate is a very strong word,

but...

yes.

Right, there's my invoice.

Oh, OK... Thank you, Commander Nork!

Zach, I need you to check out a file on Charles Leatherby.

He could be a suspect.

Can it also be put on file Mahogany is a massive nerd?

Now, make more noise than a Shegon mating ritual...

-HE CHUCKLES

-..for the one and only Captain Steele!

Earth name, Randall Rogers!

'If kissing a beautiful alien

'is the price you pay for being a hero,

'then do you take a cheque?'

HE MOUTHS

'I'm sorry, I thought you said Venus.

'That's got to be the biggest black hole I've ever seen.'

-He's not here!

-GASPING

To Captain Steele's dressing room!

I can't believe I'm going to actually meet Captain Steele.

Got to make a good impression.

There was no answer.

-I think this is the place.

-Wow!

Take whatever you want, just please don't damage my face!

No, Mr Rogers, sir, it's... We're police officers,

it's John Mahogany and Mitch Rust, JCPD.

-You're cops?!

-That's right.

Good thing you told me.

I was about to break out the old...

knuckle brothers.

Hi. Randall Rogers.

Were you hiding behind the sofa?

Erm, you may think I was huddling in fear.

I was securing myself to protect any intruder from me.

THESE hands are registered weapons.

I once punched a man in half.

(I didn't know that was possible!)

-Drink?

-Oh, yes, please.

Thanks, Dad... Rog...

-Cheers.

-Do you want to tell us about the death threats?

It took me a while to notice what they were,

as I'm incredibly rich and famous,

so I don't usually do things like open letters.

-How'd you become so rich?

-It's simple.

If you want to be insanely rich,

you just got to be an actor.

It's guaranteed.

'If you want to be insanely rich, you just got to be an actor.

'..insanely rich... ..got to be an actor...

'..be an actor. ..be an actor. It's guaranteed.'

Plus, when you get famous,

they give you a special number that you call

and somebody brings pizza to you.

You give them some money and they just give you a pizza!

-Whoa...

-Isn't that just pizza delivery?

And there's another number that you call

and somebody comes over in a car.

You give him some money and he'll take you anywhere!

-Amazing.

-That's a taxi. I could do that.

Sure you can, champ.

Mr Rogers, for your own protection, we'd like to take you down to JCPD.

Perhaps you'd like to change into something a bit more, erm...

Ah!

Say no more.

I mean, he's not quite what I expected.

The KEY...

to a...

HE LAUGHS LOUDLY

..remarkable acting performance

is to do so-o-o much...

with your face...

and your BO-DY!

And pause...a lot.

Because, you see...

acting is...

-SOFTLY:

-..distracting.

Wow. Randall Rogers is truly a great actor.

Yes. Although, if he was my hero figure from childhood,

I would be very disappointed with him.

You two! This ain't Saturday night at the movies!

Get your asses over here, we've got something!

'Chief!'

I think you're going to want to see this, boys,

Cirque du Soleil.

Justice City Times called it "Spellbinding. 5 stars."

But that's not what I called you over for.

I checked up on Leatherby.

Turns out Randall quitting the show ruined his career,

-so they ain't exactly bosom buddies.

-Yeah, everyone knows that.

But here's where it gets interesting,

he's also the chairman of a Randall Rogers-themed organisation.

Though that could be a good or a bad thing.

Nevertheless, I think we ought to bring him in,

give him the third degree.

An educated man.

Now, listen, boys, sure, this might seem all so simple.

Sure, it might seem like an open-and-shut case.

But let me tell you a story,

a story that's led to me not firing my gun in over 20 years...

It all started when I was back in the academy...

DOOR CLOSES

Oh, come on now!

It's a good story! Goddammit!

-How's it looking, Helga?

-They've used all the usual tricks -

anonymously sourced letters,

plain, unmarked paper,

the adhesive is either Pritt Stick or Uhu.

At this point we...

cannot be certain.

Unfortunately, they are practically untraceable.

-How is the spaceman?

-Yeah, fine, I suppose.

Let me guess,

you hoped to meet your hero,

instead you met a shallow, materialistic actor.

Well, yeah. How did you know?

Never meet your heroes, John.

When I met The Gothenburg Strangler,

he did not even sign my autopsy photos.

I was extremely displeased.

Captain Steele was just this great, honourable guy.

Randall's just...

-He's just a tool.

-John...

And not just a tool - he's arrogant, he's a coward...

-John...

-I mean, what does he think he looks like?

That wig isn't fooling anyone! He's behind me, isn't he?

No.

Why would you think that?

I was trying to get your attention.

-I think I've found something.

-Oh.

"PS, I enclose a little something to show you that I'm serious."

But he hasn't kidnapped anyone.

So whose is the finger?

"PPS, I realise now that cutting off my own finger

"was poorly judged,

"but do not make the mistake

"of thinking I am any less dangerous without it."

I think it's about time we spoke to one Charles Leatherby.

If he's got nine fingers...

we've got him.

Also, there is a birthday card going around, it is for Richard.

Oh, it's Richard's birthday?

I never know what to write in these things.

"Happy Birthday, Richard."

Yeah.

And the beauty is, you slip them a few dollars

and they cut your hair for you.

-Unbelievable.

-Oh, it's the high life all right.

Real actors don't need chairs.

I want to be an actor, make loads of cash.

How much should I charge per acting?

Well, that depends,

-what kind of acting do you want to do?

-The expensive sort.

OK, show me what you've got.

Let's act.

That's got to be...

the finest celestial body...

I've ever seen.

OK, your turn.

HIGH PITCHED: That's got to be the finest celestial body I've ever seen.

What do you think? Bit high?

Yeah, maybe. Try a little lower.

HIGH PITCHED: I love your ancestral body.

It's the best thing I've seen...(today).

50 quid.

You'd better sit down.

Look, Rusty, there's no easy way of saying this.

You've got the yips.

-What?

-The acting yips.

It's a mental thing that actors can get,

and I'm afraid you're riddled with them, buddy.

Everything all right?

I thought I heard a small girl trapped down a well.

I've got the acting yips.

Isn't that something you get after years as a professional?

Oh, the yips can strike at any time.

Unfortunately for Rusty, it was right at the beginning.

-Or he's just a bit rubbish.

-It's the yips, mate, yeah?!

I know what will cheer you up.

More tales of my amazing life as a rich actor and how great I am.

Zach, take a seat.

Rusty, lotion my back.

It's just a few questions, Mr Leatherby.

This is preposterous.

Yes, Randall is an imbecile,

but I am a highly-respected actor, for God's sake.

Death threats? Honestly!

Are you sure we can't get you a chair?

I'm an actor.

I haven't sat in an actual chair for 30 years.

Look, can we hurry this along please?

I'm an extremely busy man.

Had yourself an accident there, Mr Leatherby?

Oh, this here? It's an acting injury.

Mine is a perilous profession.

So, if you didn't send the death threats,

then, tell me,

-what do you do when you get the acting yips?

-What?

The yips?

The acting yips is a cruel and unforgiving affliction

which blights our kind.

The only sure way of being rid of the yips is to take one's moment.

Interesting.

Every true actor knows when his moment presents itself.

When he is called upon to give the performance of his life.

Until then, we just have to...

What do you think you're doing?

Ah.

It's an acting injury.

I told you already, all right?

-I got a paper cut at a script reading.

-A paper cut?

Yes, a paper cut. Script paper is some of the sharpest paper there is!

I bet you think that's funny in there, don't you?

In your secret little room!

Well, I've never been one to disappoint an audience.

Reveal yourself!

REVEAL YOURSELF!

REVEAL YOURSELF!

-Why did you do that?

-Well, I thought...

No, you're going to have to pay for that.

Oh for f...

Fingers, he's got all ten of them. It's not him.

Fuck.

But if it ain't Leatherby, then who the hell is it?!

-RANDALL:

-And don't even get me started on my third wife.

Rogers!

Leatherby!

-Hey, hey, hey! Walk away. Walk away!

-Have a fight.

You never could handle me being the star, could you, Charlie boy?

Poppycock! Let's settle this, right now.

Let 'em blow it off, John, let 'em blow it off.

I'll show you how a REAL actor fights.

RANDALL LAUGHS

THEY GRUNT

What are they doing?

They're not even hitting each other.

No, too big.

-CHIEF:

-Stage combat, Mitch.

They say these two are amongst the finest stage fighters in the world.

Ow! Wh...?

You broke the code...

No, please, it was an accident!

You know the code, Randall - you never touch the face.

I will now take my free hit.

Yeah, keep walking, Leatherby. Keep walking!

He's definitely restrained, right?

Sorry, John boy, but you did step into an arena of conflict.

# Where, where is my hero?

# Where, where is my hero? #

Brace for impact!

# There was a man I thought I knew

# So brave, so strong and courageous

# Now, he only takes about being rich

# It's like him and his evil twin brother, Ben Steele,

# Have been switched

# I want to be an actor

# So I have loads of money and stuff

# But they say I've got the yips Which has left me proper cheesed

# I think I fancy chips and maybe mushy peas

# Just want to tell you my story

# About how I ain't fired my gun in over 20 year...

-# Where, where is my hero? #

-What? Oh, come on! Goddammit!

# Where? Ow, my finger just shut in the locker

# Where, where, where, where, where

# Where's the first aid kit? #

-John?

-Hey, Dad.

Oh, God, here we go.

Go on, what's the matter?

Did you ever think that someone was going to be great,

but in reality, they were just a huge disappointment?

Try not to look at yourself as a huge disappointment, son,

-more as a mild failure.

-NOT ME, DAD!

Oh, right.

I just wanted him to be like Captain Steele, you know -

courageous, brave.

But he just turned out to be a dick.

Son, listen.

It doesn't matter that he's not like the bloke in Space Wars.

Future Space, Dad! How many times!

Yeah. Right.

Look, the point is, you've got to walk your own path,

write your own story and all that bullshit.

You know, be your own bloody hero.

I know Dad, I'm trying real bad.

ECHO: Write your own story and all that bullshit.

Write your own story and all that bullshit.

Write your own story and all that bullshit.

I trust you've read my latest work?

Future Space, how it should have ended.

-ECHO:

-How it should have ended. How it should have ended...

Should have ended...

Oh, shit. That's it! Love you, Dad.

Chief, Mitch, I've got it!

I know who wrote the...

Oh, he's already here.

That's great.

Now it's time to give Future Space AND Randall Rogers

the ending they deserve.

HE GIGGLES MANIACALLY

And if anybody tries to follow me, then I'll...

What?

Sorry?

You said, "If anyone tries to follow you then",

and then you left before we could hear the rest.

Oh, yeah. Sorry..

What I said was if anybody tries to follow me,

then I'll detonate this bomb.

Thought it'd be something like that.

Goddammit, he's going to kill 'em!

Don't worry, Chief.

I know exactly where they're headed...

..and I'll be damned if I'm going to let them die.

Did everybody sign Richard's card?

Greetings, Citizens of Earth.

Today, we will make television history.

First, we shall film the proper ending of the Future Space saga.

Then, Randall Rogers will die

live on television.

Er, that is for several reasons,

because of inconsistencies throughout the show...

Well, well, well.

Randall Rogers finally gets his just desserts.

Have you nothing to say?

Your head looks like a dick.

..you've ruined it and you've ruined my life.

Now if you look in front of you, you shall find the professional

standard script expertly written by me.

SHE LAUGHS

We're live in five seconds, so just remember - enjoy it, relax,

don't get it wrong or I'll blow us all up.

ACTION!

Captain, we are

mere moments away from discovering the Eye of the Universe...

-HE WHISPERS:

-Mitch.

Mitch ,I've got a plan. I'm going to need you to act.

What?

Nah. I can't, mate. I've got the yips.

Forget the yips.

We need a distraction and acting is distracting.

I can't act!

MITCH! Remember what Leatherby said - every actor gets one moment.

Well, this is your moment.

What's the money like?

There's no bloody money!

All right, all right, I'll do it. When's my fitting?

Right now.

Why are you wearing one?

What? Oh, I don't know.

I just got excited.

It would not have worked from the eye of a cyborg.

Point 54...

Wait!

I have something to say!

If you all just

look at me!

You see, space man, captain,

we have a problem...

HE WHEEZES

.. with the space ship.

It is bollocksed.

His dialogue's awful, but his acting's captivating.

We might never make it to the moon unless we find a different way -

a space car or

planet bike.

So if this is it, and we're going to die,

snuff it,

then hold your head up high...

..and be proud...

I did it, mate. I got rid of the yips.

Thanks, Mitch.

Ensign Skylord!

So...you thought you could ruin my episode?

Well, now, it's going to end with a bang.

BEEPING

Real original, Martin.

Trying to blow up the ship with a bomb strapped to you,

exactly the same way Steele tried to blow up

the Targan Nebular in series eight, episode nine.

Ha! Actually, I think you'll find it was series nine, episode eight.

I think you'll find, I know a bit more about Future Space than you.

Er, firstly the Targans weren't introduced until series nine,

episode two, so it's not conceivable for that be in series eight!

Mitch, the lever! Pull the lever!

Give me some space.

Brace for impact!

EXPLOSION

RUMBLING

Damage report. Check those shields and thrusters.

As your Captain now, I...

Is everyone OK?

Yeah, I got him right here. He's our man all right.

Hey kid, you got an agent?

-No.

-Want to be rich beyond your wildest dreams?

Yes, please.

Great, cos I got a part you were just born to play.

You're going to be a star, I tell ya!

Providing you don't get the yips.

HE LAUGHS

What are your orders, Captain? The enemy is attacking.

HIGH-PITCHED: Fire the Voltazers.

Raise the shields, please.

Go to Red Alert. Thank you.

I'm sorry your series was cancelled after one episode, mate.

Yeah, well, I think it was the script, to be honest.

So, John boy, how'd you like your present?

Now you too can live the high life of an actor.

It's, literally, a pizza menu.

It's the least I could do for saving my life

and for being everything Captain Steele should be.

Minus the looks and libido, of course.

He's got a gun!

GASPS

I'm sorry old chap, I just hate you too much not to shoot you.

Goodbye, Rogers.

GUNSHOT

GUNSHOTS

Everyone, get down!

Hold up, I've got this.

Jesus Christ, Chief!

Just give me a second to line this up here.

Stop, Chief!

Put the gun down!

So much blood, Chief!

GROANING

Still got it.

Chief,

you're a terrible shot.

What do you expect? I ain't fired it in over 20 years!

LAUGHTER

Chief just shot everyone.

We should call an ambulance.

You know, it's funny, this reminds me of a really great story.

It all started when I...