The Venom of Dr Schafer Top Coppers

Justice City.

Would you look at that view? SHE SCOFFS

Yeah, right, you brought me up here to look at the view!

Why else would I bring you here?

Hey, let's get some tunes on the radio.

-ROCK'N'ROLL PLAYS

-That's more like it.

RASPY BREATHING

SPRAY HISSES

-COUGHING

-Wait. What was that noise?

It sounded like someone watching us from a bush.

I know something that'll take your mind off it.

SINISTER LAUGHTER

BOTH SCREAM

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

COUGHING

-MAN:

-Excuse me.

BOTH SCREAM, MAN LAUGHS

GUNSHOT

Every day, in every way, I'm going to feel more fulfilled and content.

I'm going to treat every day like it's my last

and nothing can stop me.

The me I want to be is already inside me.

You are the master of...

What are you do...? Hey!

Lay off the self-improvement tapes, mate.

They're amazing. I feel so much more fulfilled and content.

Yeah, but they're really getting on my tits.

Well, excuse me for improving myself.

-All right, John?

-Hey, Zach. Good weekend?

-Partied pretty hard, boys.

-Tell me about it.

Mahogany! Rust!

Quit your yapping and get your asses in here.

Watch what you say in there. His dog's just died.

-Oh, not Five-O?

-Yeah, he's really down about it.

Thanks for the heads-up, Zach.

Let's try keeping him thinking about happy times, OK?

You know how bad Chief gets when he's emotional.

-Chief.

-All right, Chief?

Remember when Five-O was alive?

They were happy times, weren't they?

CHIEF SOBS

Poor little bastard.

All he ever wanted to be was a police dog.

Now he'll never get the chance.

He had a great, full life, Chief. Like me.

In fact, if I died tomorrow, there's nothing I'd feel I'd missed out on.

You still listening to those damn tapes?

I ain't got time to listen to your hippy-dippy bull-crap.

We've got another missing couple.

That's ten missing people this month, all of them within a one-mile radius of here.

The Great Wall of China? That's out our jurisdiction, Chief.

-Leave it to the Chinese.

-Not there. Here.

Dr Schafer's Top Secret Medical Research Facility.

-Who is this Schafer?

-Dr Otto Schafer. Scientific mastermind.

Mayor Grady's diverted the whole of Justice City's medical budget to him

to work on a serum for prolonging human life.

I'll read this later.

Now, get out there, find out what the hell's going on.

Oh, and Chief...

I know it hurts right now, but...

you'll get over Five-O.

Might help if you move him out of here, though.

Just get out!

I think this is the place.

-We're looking for Dr Schafer. Is he in?

-Dunno.

Enough of the science talk, scientist. Where's Schafer?

He's probably in the...

SEXY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

..lab.

Well, can you take us to this lab?

I've just sat down, but fine. Follow me.

He's over there.

Dr Schafer? John Mahogany, Justice City PD.

DRAMATIC STING

SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Pleasure to meet you, Mr Mahogany.

How may I be of assistance to you?

-MUSIC STOPS

-Oh, good God!

My hair's a complete mess.

Drove in with the top down this morning.

You should have said something, you naughty boy.

We're looking into some missing people in the area.

-Ten people in the last month.

-Ten? How horrid.

So this is all science, then, is it?

Maybe. Dunno. I'm pretty crap at my job.

Crisp?

SEXY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

What's your name?

Tamara.

No.

-Tell me now.

-OK.

It's Gail.

How does a girl like you end up here?

Bus.

-So, you've not seen them?

-Hm.

-No, although I'm a big fan of their music.

-How about the couple?

No, and I would have remembered.

You know what they say - a scientist never forgets.

I think that's elephants.

Elephants? No, I'm pretty sure it's scientists.

So, as you can see,

there's nothing of suspicion at all happening here.

Or...

..there.

Nothing at all.

HE COUGHS

SPRAY HISSES

Yeah, well, we'll be in touch.

Rest assured, if I do hear anything about those ten missing people,

you'll be the first to know.

Wait a minute.

I didn't say there were ten of them.

Yah!

Wait a minute. You DID say there was ten of them.

Oh, yeah. Doesn't matter now. You're trying to stab me.

Ahh! That's so not fair!

Mitch! Mitch, little help!

BOTH LAUGH

I wish I'd taken my chewing gum out first.

HE LAUGHS

Yeah! Cos of the...

-Give it up, Schafer.

-No! I must stay here in my lab and finish my serum.

I'm so close!

The only lab you'll be working from is in prison.

Do they have science labs in the prison?

I don't know. They've got a wood shop.

-You could learn woodwork instead.

-No chance.

You know what they say - you can't teach an old scientist new tricks.

That's dogs. When did you learn these? They're completely wrong.

Yah!

Have a nice life!

Not!

I did a joke.

Are you serious?

Guess that was a real... shot in the arm.

BOTH LAUGH

Thank God this thing PROLONGS human life.

BOTH LAUGH

Although there are some side effects. Number one...

An increased desire to talk about the weather.

BOTH LAUGH

Well, that's fine, it has been getting colder recently.

BOTH LAUGH

And anyone who takes it will die within exactly 24 hours.

BOTH LAUGH

What?! How's that supposed to prolong human life?

-Teething problems.

-Well, is there an antidote?

Yeah. Dr Schafer's got it.

You just missed him.

His assistant was nice.

Bit more concerned with the fact I'm going to die tomorrow.

What happened to, "Mate, if I died tomorrow,

"there's nothing I feel I've missed out on, mate"?

That was hypothetical.

There's loads of shit I want to do.

Plus, it looks like rain out there.

Chill out. Don't let it NEEDLE you.

Right. A syringe joke. Great.

Hey, John. How's the arm?

-Heard he caught you with a... killer jab.

-Killer jab!

This isn't funny.

All right, I can SERUM not welcome here.

Right, that's it! You and me, Kowalski.

If you're going to do this, you're going to have to make a decision.

-Oh, yeah? What's that?

-Do you want death...

or sudden death?

Come on, break it up, break it up.

You might have a lot on, mate, but that was a good joke from Zach.

I've literally got 23 hours to live. 23 hours to live!

It was 24 earlier. Get your story straight.

Cool it! All of you.

-Now, I want everyone to leave Mahogany alone.

-Thank you, Chief.

Stop trying to INJECT some fun in to the situation.

ALL LAUGH

Literally dying here, guys. Ticking time bomb.

Laugh it up. Laugh it up!

That was a doozy!

Ah, don't worry about it.

Schafer's assistant's in the lab with Helga right now

trying to work up an antidote.

Meanwhile, we have to find Schafer, you hear? Get to work.

You don't think you're overdoing it with the suit, no?

Never failed me before.

What about when you wore it at Delaney's funeral.

It's what he would've wanted.

Case number 4329 - domestic homicide.

Victim shows multiple cut marks, two to three centimetres deep.

How's the antidote coming on?

Inconsistent angle of entry

points towards a frenzied, unplanned attack.

Helga?

Sorry, I was miles away. Just having my lunch.

You... You're doing an autopsy on your lunch break?

It's how I like to relax.

OK. Fair enough.

Um, it's just pretty urgent here. I'm literally dying.

-You have your lunch at 12?

-Yes.

Doesn't that make your afternoons really long?

Like I say, guys, it's urgent here, so...

12 is the optimum time

to efficiently regulate my digestive process.

Literally a ticking clock here, guys. Just... The antidote.

Dr Schafer's assistant is... working on it.

I'd better go see how she's, er...

..getting on.

-He is trying to impress her with the suit, yes?

-Yeah.

If he likes her, surely he should just ask her

if she wants to have sexual intercourse with him.

SEXY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

I like your suit.

Nice shoes, too.

They're ivory.

Pretty uncomfortable, actually.

They've got no bend to them.

There's nothing good about these shoes.

Ribena?

Don't mind if I do.

I think you're meant to add water to that.

I was sorry to hear you will soon be dead.

-Thanks?

-If it helps, we have a saying in my country.

"When you die, you rot in the ground like abandoned meat."

Sounds much nicer back home.

SHE SPEAKS IN HER OWN LANGUAGE

Yeah, you don't have to worry about trying to cheer me up.

Will you and Gail have figured out the antidote by tomorrow morning?

It's not looking good.

All Gail can remember from the equation to Dr Schafer's serum

is that it had a four in it.

Well, could you just please try and figure something out?

Sure. I'll get right on it.

-Thank you.

-After lunch.

-Ohh...

CHIEF SIGHS

You miss him, don't you, Chief?

He would've been the best damn police dog

the department's ever seen.

Sure. Although he was far too old to begin police training.

And he was really dumb.

The best.

I know what you're going through.

Losing someone you love, it hurts.

I just want my Five-O back.

When I lost my Action Man, I went to pieces.

Started hitting the squash hard.

But one guy stood by me and cleaned me up.

You're a good cop, Kowalski.

I wasn't going to let you drink yourself into the gutter.

Yeah, well, I wanted to make it up to you,

so I'd like you to meet the newest member of Justice City PD.

Officer Five-O.

-What the hell have you done to my dog?!

-Now he can fight crime.

He looks ridiculous.

-What part of this did you think I'd like?

-The blues and twos?

-SIREN WHOOPS

-Get the hell out of my office!

Both of you.

Looks like Mahogany's still hanging in there.

Yes, but unless somebody can come up with something

in the next five hours, he's done for.

That's true.

-Got you some Lucozade, mate.

-Oh, thanks, Mitch.

Drank it on the way here, sorry.

BOTTLE CRASHES IN BIN

-What you doing?

-Just doing my bucket list.

I figured seeing as it's my last day on Earth,

I might as well do everything I've always wanted.

Sounds boring. What you got?

Swim with dolphins. Sleep under the stars.

Donate blood. Probably should cross that one off.

Putting my pants on in a different way.

Um...

Shave.

-Um, recording an album with my band, Mahog And The Fog.

-Who's in that?

Oh, it's just me, a fog machine and a cassette tape.

And stand naked in the rain. Hopefully, I can still do that one.

There's some light showers later

with the temperature dropping to three or four degrees overnight.

Yeah, well...

-I'm off back to the lab.

-Oh, yeah? How's it going in there?

Yeah.

-Pretty good.

-Oh, good, good.

I think she likes me.

Not your bloody love life! The antidote.

Oh, I see.

It's always about you, isn't it?

I'm dying, you selfish bastard. I've got five hours to live.

Oh, get your story straight. 23, 24, 5.

Come off it, mate!

-All you can think about is that idiot lab technician.

-How dare you!

She's a lab assistant.

Yeah, go on. Go. I don't need your help anyway.

IVORY SHOES CLUMP

# John's only got one day to live

# And he's got to get through it on his own

# He's trying to do his bucket list

# Whilst Mitch tries to find him a cure

# Yeah, right

# Mitch is too horny

# He wants to have sex with a laboratory...

# Assistant

# John would go bowling

# If only he had the time

# But he's almost dead. #

-What's going on?

-Shh...ut up.

SEXY GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

I...

Ah... Oh.

HE SHOUTS OUT

BOTH LAUGH

HE SNEEZES

THEY BARK

BOTH LAUGH

SHE CHEERS

HE CRIES OUT IN PAIN

That was some very weird sex.

HE COUGHS

Dad? Dad, are you there? It's me.

-ECHOEY VOICE:

-'Hi, son, how's it going?'

Why's it echoey? Are you on the toilet?

-'Just finishing up.'

-TOILET FLUSHES

'Sorry about that. Ate some bad ribs last night.

'Been on the dunny all day. What can I do you for?'

You're going to want to sit down for this.

'Well, I'm not going back in there. What's the matter?'

I'm dying, Dad.

An evil scientist injected me with his serum

that gives you exactly 24 hours to live.

'Bloody typical.'

Looks like I'm coming to stay with you on the other side.

'Yeah...

'Er, I've got a sofa and a sleeping bag,

'so you can stay here for a couple of nights.

-'But then you'll have to find your own place.'

-Thanks, Dad.

'Got to go, son. Now, cheer up. At least you're not dying!

'Oh, shit, yeah. Um...

'None of us can live for ever,

'so don't go mad trying to find a way to.

'Don't go mad trying to find a way to.

'Don't go mad trying to find a way to.'

'A serum for prolonging human life.'

I must finish my serum. I'm so close.

That's it! You're a genius, Dad.

OK, first things first.

Helga, how's the antidote coming on?

I must begin again.

My research has been somewhat contaminated.

Oh, for...

Now, the one thing we know about Dr Schafer

is that he'd do anything to get his serum to work.

Including swapping the antidote.

Maybe he'll listen if we can convince him

that Gail's managed to solve it.

Now, we don't have much time.

The temperature's dropping

and we've got an area of low pressure coming in from the north.

The fact is, we still don't know how to find Schafer.

There's been no trace of him.

Nada, zero,

zilch, zip.

The man's a goddamn ghost.

-We could call him.

-How?

I've got his number.

What?! You didn't think to mention this earlier

when we were all talking about, "how are we going to find Dr Schafer"?

Sorry! I didn't want to be "that girl" who's all, like,

"Ooooh I'm the one that's got Schafer's number"!

To be fair, mate...

..she's been a bit busy, yeah?

Having sex.

That's great.

Mate, I'm super stoked for you.

Just, please...

Please can you call him

and tell him that you'll meet him in the lab?

RASPY BREATHING

HE COUGHS

-Oh, give it a rest, mate.

-John! John, what is it?

I'm dying, obviously.

Mate?

Mate?!

Ma-a-a-a-te!

I'm sorry I didn't help you with your bucket list, mate.

HE COUGHS That's OK.

I'm sorry I lost it with you.

I'm sorry I called you a prick as well.

-You called me a prick?

-What? No, no. Shh.

If I don't get a chance to tell you this later,

I want you to know...

..it's windy out.

I can't believe my best mate's dying...

just as I fall for the perfect woman.

To think you might never get the chance to watch us have sex.

-I'm all right.

-It's OK.

I know you're just saying that.

-No. 100%, I'm not keen.

-No, it's all right. Shh.

-Where the hell is Schafer?

-Dunno. He said he'd pop over.

-SINISTER MUSIC PLAYS

-And I'm as good as my word.

Don't you worry about tha...

-MUSIC STOPS

-Oh! Look at my hair.

Jesus! It's very windy outside.

Did you bring the antidote?

Yes.

But first, you must tell me the formula for the serum.

How about you give us the antidote first?

-No.

-Please?

You DO have the formula, don't you?

You've haven't sent me here on some kind of wild-scientist chase?

Goose chase! Everybody knows it's goose chase.

Of course we've got the formula.

Have we? Does that mean we don't have to pretend we've got it any more?

-HE SIGHS

-Honey!

-SHAFER:

-What?

Gail! You lied to me!

Well, well!

If you don't have the formula then you don't get the antidote.

Wait! Don't do it, Doc.

All right, so we fibbed.

We don't have the formula for prolonging human life.

But what does that even mean?

Well, it's very clear. It means...

You know, I never used to have much of a life.

But then I met the woman of my dreams.

-And I love her.

-Shhh. Don't.

-I love her.

-Mm...

I love you.

I love her.

And, you know, and we made beautiful...

weird love together.

Really freaky stuff, you know?

Falling in love!

Isn't that just a way of prolonging human life...

as much as any formula?

HE SOBS

Oh, I'm so sorry, everyone,

but he's just made everything feel so uncomfortable,

I'm going to have to do this now just to get out of this situation.

-Bollocks.

-What are we going to do? He's only got seconds to live.

Maybe you'll think twice before you try and trick me again.

And now I shall make my escape.

Goodbye

.Five-O?

-Quick, Chief.

-What's this?

I created an antidote after lunch. Stick it in him.

Stick it in him!

Oh!

Go get him, boy. Go get him!

Oh! Ahh!

Yes!

I will get my revenge on you.

Your scientists will come home to roost over this.

Ugh.

-The antidote should be working now.

-Oh, good.

However...there is one side effect.

Go on.

Anybody who is administered with this antidote will die in exactly...

..24 years.

That's all right. I've got ages to sort an antidote for that.

So, how about we celebrate with a round of sex?

Yeah, sorry.

I don't think it's going to work out.

You're too emotional

and I like my men to be a bit more big and insensitive

and never crying,

and LONG beards and maybe working at a police station.

Soz.

Sorry things didn't work out, mate.

Here. You know what you need?

A little self-improvement.

Something makes me think I'm not going to be needing these any more.

You see... I've learned something today.

You shouldn't live every day like it's your last.

Because your last day is really shit.

I learned that the only thing worse than science is love.

-Yeah.

-And a test tube up the arse.

-What?

And Five-O learned to play "air fetch".

ALL LAUGH

Looks like there's life in the old dog yet.

ALL LAUGH

Maybe we should give him a treat for being a good boy.

ALL LAUGH

Oh, no, wait. He's dead!

He's not dead, he's not dead.