The Twist of the French Nicker Top Coppers

One minute of art left!

One minute of your art!

Amazing how the eyes follow you around the room.

Right, that's your lot. Art time over. Come on, get out.

No running! Oi, you! No running, out you go, thank you!

There goes my sculpted physique.

I really wish someone had been around to hear that.

HE MUMBLES IN A FRENCH ACCENT

Ah. Chiens jouant aux cartes. C'est magnifique.

HE SINGS IN FRENCH

The world's greatest theft from the world's greatest thief

and French man. Gerard Cliche.

-ALARM BELLS RING

-Oh, merde.

Guess who just apprehended the South Side cat burglar?

Stick this in the evidence room.

CAT SCREECHES

Let's see, arresting a burglar, I make that 50 points.

That 50 points puts Mahogany and Rust way in the lead.

Yes. At this rate, they're sure to win the Golden Doughnut.

The coveted prize for best crime- fighting partnership in the city.

Didn't Mahogany's father win it eight times?

I'll bet that gives him an extra motivation for wanting to win it.

And you know the best thing about winning the golden doughnut?

The glow of being a real cop.

Finally living up to your dad. Being the best.

Wait, I called the burglar a dirty slag when I nicked him.

Oh, yeah, that's another 25 points.

Paperwork, one point? Pointless.

Peterson and McGockey seem to like it. There they are.

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey!

-Hey, you two!

-Hey!

Hey, detective!

Yeah, you guys. Hope you don't get any paper cuts, you twats.

What was that?

-Trash talk.

-That was terrible. You've got to work on that, mate.

Hi, Chief.

Chief?

CHIEF!

-Sorry, boys, I was miles away.

-Who's in the picture, Chief?

Ah, no-one, just my old partner, Flanagan.

-You make a lovely couple.

-Not that type of partner, Mitch.

Wait, today's the anniversary of him getting killed, isn't it?

-How did you know?

-It's on your calendar.

Listen, last night Justice City Art Gallery was hit.

And we have reason to suspect it was none other than Gerard Cliche.

The French master thief? Are you sure it's him?

Well, we found this two blocks away.

Plus witnesses report that a man was seen

shrugging by the gallery then seducing a woman.

Sounds pretty damn French to me.

It's real.

Get down to the gallery and check it out.

We're on it. And, Chief, forget about Flanagan.

It wasn't your fault, Chief.

ECHO: It wasn't your fault, Chief. It wasn't your fault, Chief.

Your fault, Chief. Your fault. Your fault. Your. Fault.

Can't believe we got called away from that fancy dress party

for this.

Not just any fancy dress party. My retirement.

This time tomorrow, I'll be dropping anchor on my new boat

and casting off.

HE WHISTLES

She's a beaut.

A whole new life.

Sitting back fishing,

sipping beers and thinking about all the times I didn't die on the job.

DISTANT CLANG

-He's here.

-Let's split up.

OK, but maybe we don't split up, though.

No, trust me, this is a really good idea.

You got it, partner.

-Flanagan?

-Guess again!

OK. Jones? Van Duren?

-You really want me to guess your name?

-Not so fast!

CLICK

Shit, I'm out. Take him, Chief, take him.

-Chief! Come on!

-I can't, my gun is all covered in butter!

-Butter? What are you talking about?

-My gun's covered in butter, man.

It's all slipping, Goddamn it, I can't get hold of the damn thing.

-Shoot him!

-I'm trying!

-Shoot him!

-I'm trying!

BANG

Noooooo!

No, no, Flanagan?

That's right. You keep thinking about the boat.

You'll be fishing out there tomorrow, buddy. You'll see.

Hide this from my wife.

Yep. Probably a good idea. Flanagan? Flanagan?

Noooooooo!

Noooooo!

Come on, Chief, it's OK. It wasn't your fault.

I shouldn't have made us split up.

It thought it was a good idea at the time.

Here, get this down you.

Mmmm, that's some good Tizer.

-You need to get Flanagan out of your head.

-I can't.

It's like he's haunting me from beyond the grave or something.

There's no such thing as ghosts, they're like the Easter Bunny

-and the Tooth Fairy.

-Yeah. And Santa Claus.

What about Santa Claus?

Nothing. Forget it.

Now stop all this ghost talk.

There's enough crazy guys around here already.

Come on, Chief, come on! Get a grip.

Come on.

Argh!

I ain't afraid of no ghost!

Mr Mann! Mr Mann! Can you tell us what happened?

The real news here is that the gallery security system failed

and that is why I'm diverting money from the city pension fund

and the health budget to invest in a brand-new security system.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you AmazerLazer.

Brought to you by the good people at Grady Industries.

Mayor Grady, is it true that AmazerLazer is made by children

-in the Far East?

-Do the manufacturers have small hands?

Yes. That's why the component parts are so well put together.

Does that make them children?

-I like candy, does that make me a kid?

-That makes no sense.

Burritos! Come on, dig in! Who wants a burrito?

You're peckish over there, just dig in, you son of a bitch.

JCPD. Wow, Look at this stuff.

You know, I'm an art lover myself.

Me too. I've got a big picture at home.

Blue. Loads of shapes.

That's a map.

Hey, Helga. Shame there's no dead body for you this time, eh?

I have not had a satisfactory murder in seven months.

Where have all the serial killers gone? The Ice Man. The Strangler.

Stitch Face. They have been quiet. Too quiet. But they'll be back.

I can feel it.

-OK. Any clues?

-Yes. This. It appears to be some kind of calling card.

A calling card? Desole? De vous?

-What the hell does this mean?

-Hmmmm. Not bothered.

Well, at least they didn't smash that ornate stained glass window.

# Romero and Byrne! #

-Anyone got a broom?

-Romero and Byrne, MFI.

Major Felony Investigations.

-Not Romero and Byrne.

-I hate MFI.

So, what we got here, then? Art thief. French.

Traces of pastry crumbs. Pain au chocolat.

It's pure. High butter content. It's Cliche all right.

What the hell are you two doing here?

Thought we'd drop in and solve the case real quick.

We've just bust a drugs ring.

20 crims, all banged up in time for breakfast.

Even took a cap in the shoulder. Didn't even feel it.

-Ain't that right, Byrne?

-Didn't even feel it.

-Wait, you've been shot?

-I don't know, have I?

-Yes.

-You should really go to a hospital.

Nah, it's fine, it'll wiggle its way out.

What the bloody hell is going on here?

Do you have any idea what those windows are worth?

50 points in the Golden Doughnut.

You guys are competing this year?

Sure. It's about time we teach JCPD a thing or two.

-How many points you got

-200.

-HA!

-Today.

-Shit.

One nine one double oh in total.

19,100, just to clarify. No biggie.

-19,200 actually.

-Is it? Gosh. Two double oh, lost count.

Looks like you won't be winning the best counting prize.

Oh, come on.

Here, you should take this.

-A mirror? What am I meant to be looking at?

-Couple of shit cops.

We're going to bounce. We've got a city to save.

And I'm starting to feel a little bit light-headed.

Hey, guys.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys.

Guys. Guys. Guys. Guys.

See you later.

# Romero and Byrne! #

I like them.

With AmazerLazer installed,

all I have to do now is show the people that it works.

That's where you come in.

You need to hit the gallery again tonight, just as we planned.

Only this time, AmazerLazer catches you.

Then I look like a hero, AmazerLazer is a big hit and we'll all be rich.

Yes, about that.

I have been thinking this through and I do not want to get caught.

Gerard Cliche is a master criminal. He would sooner die.

-I'll pay you double.

-Tres bien. He accepts.

Plus there is no prison in the world that can hold Gerard Cliche.

Good. Good.

Soon AmazerLazer will be in every home in Justice City thanks to me.

It's almost too...

How does he do that?

Do what?

Sorry, I was getting a water, do you want one?

What's the point in even bothering?

MFI are ahead by 19,000 points, we'll never catch them.

Would you look at that?

-It says here there's 20,000 points for catching an art thief.

-Wow.

Wow. Whoever gets that will surely eclipse the MFI agent's scores

-and win the coveted golden doughnut.

-Yes.

Wait, I've got it! If we catch Cliche,

we'll get 20,000 points and win the Golden Doughnut.

How we going to find him? We don't know where he is.

We need to get into his mind, act like he acts, think like he thinks.

I think it's about time we took a little trip down

to the French Quarter.

# When a criminal hits the city

# With a thirst for crime He can't quench

# There's more than one way To catch a thief

# Sometimes you've got to go French.

-# Go French.

-FRENCH!

-Sometimes you've got to go French.

# When there's crime in town And the frites are down

# Say bonjour Cos you're going French.

-# Go French.

-FRENCH!

-Sometimes you've got to go French.

-# Go French.

-FRENCH!

-Sometimes you've got to go French.

-# Go French.

-FRENCH!

# Sometimes you've got to go French. Go French! #

I don't think that worked. I just feel full of bread.

-How about you?

-I necked a pint of wine. I'm shitfaced.

I don't know why we thought that was a good idea.

Hey, Zach, any luck with that calling card?

-I ran it through some advanced code breaking software.

-And?

Nothing. Then I cross-referenced it against this.

The card translated reads,

"Sorry I missed you. I will try again tomorrow."

But this was yesterday.

That means he's going to hit the art gallery tonight.

Good work, Zach. What else did you find out?

Apparently Francois is drinking Orangina in La Rochelle.

A good old-fashioned stakeout.

Just a pot of coffee, your wits and traditional stakeout foo...

-Is that an Easter egg?

-It's what I eat on stakeouts.

All we have to do now is wait and catch Cliche in the act.

-Nothing can go wrong.

-Unless MFI turn up.

-What? Jesus!

What the hell are you doing?!

Sorry we're late. Had to deal with a hostage standoff.

-Walked in, got the hostages, walked out.

-Building blew up.

Didn't look back at the explosion,

although it probably looked pretty cool, we felt cool.

I took some shrapnel to the back of head.

Didn't even feel it.

She's lost all memory, long term, short term. The lot.

You should go see a neurologist. You've probably got brain trauma.

Sorry we're late. Had to deal with a hostage standoff.

It's all right. We've already done that bit.

Back off, this is our stakeout.

Don't worry, moody, we're just here to catch Cliche

and then we'll win the Golden Doughnut. Bish bash bosh.

That's it. You two, us. Street rules. Let's go!

Stop it! Not on my velvet! Not on my velvet!

He's got me, watch out, he's got me.

FRENCH HUMMING

Mon dieu! An original Neil Buchanan!

C'est magnifique.

Only this time, AmazerLazer catches you.

Sorry, Grady. Neil is just too beautiful.

Cuddles.

ALARMS

-Oh, bollocks.

-Damn it! Cliche.

He escaped because you were too busy fighting MFI?

Chief, what happened was we were on a stakeout and they burst

through the back window, smashing glass everywhere.

I don't want to hear it. Get out of my sight!

Here's the holy water you wanted, Chief.

You don't still think Flanagan's trying to haunt you, do you?

Can't a man sprinkle holy water over his office without people

giving him a hard time about it?

How many times? I don't believe in no ghosts. I'm fine.

Flanagan!

What the eff, Cliche? What the eff?

I thought we had a deal. You were supposed to get caught.

Yes, but the painting, it was so beautiful.

And Neil has a certain... I don't know what.

Plus, not stealing things is so boring.

Yeah, but you made AmazerLazer look like crap.

A lot of tiny kids put a lot of effort into that.

But it is crap. Literally all I had to do was go under it.

-Well, I'm not paying you.

-You're no fun.

You want your money? You come back tonight

during my big art soiree and make sure you get caught.

-OK, fine, I'll break in tonight and get caught.

-Good.

-Happy?

Yes, I'm happy. I don't need any surprises this time.

And another thing...

What was the other thing?

You and your water! You must piss like a racehorse. Get out of here!

OK, fine. God, you're so touchy.

-You're touchy.

-You're touchy.

-You're touchy.

-You're touchy.

-You're touchy.

-You're touchy.

-You're touchy.

Touchy!

Now it's time to take out a little insurance policy.

But first I need to call the police and tell them

that Cliche is about to rob the art gallery. Get me Chief.

TELEPHONE RINGING

-What do you want with me?

-Hello, Chief.

Oh, Mayor Grady. Sorry, sir, kind of having a rough day.

Well, it's about to get a whole lot better.

I've heard Cliche's going to the art gallery tonight

to rob some more paintings during my classy soiree.

Where did you get this tip-off?

Er, well, we're having a bad connection here. Hello? Hello?

-Hello.

-Yes. The main thing is Cliche's going to be there tonight.

And he might just have company.

-You think he'll bring a plus one?

-No, what I meant was...

OK people, get your asses in gear! We got a Frenchy to fry!

Mahogany, on the floor, checking in.

-Chief checking in.

-Rust checking in.

-Mitch, what are you wearing?

-I'm undercover.

Where did you even get that costume from?

-Don't worry, she's going to be fine.

-What?

-Lipstick suits your eyes.

Thank you, Chief.

Still no sign of Cliche. Canapes, ladies?

# Romero and Byrne! #

-Oh, for God's sake.

-Hello. It's us.

Fancy seeing you here.

-Posh.

-You look ridiculous.

Guys, I don't mean to interrupt, but another painting's gone.

Cliche. Think, John, think. If you were French, where would you be?

Cheese and wine.

That feels better.

No running!

Which way'd he go?

Well, if I'm as good as I think I am, he definitely went this way.

Sounds right to me.

OK. Let's split up.

John! No. Trust me, that's not a good idea.

Chief, you need to get over this.

OK? There's no such thing as ghosts.

And even if they existed,

do you think Flanagan would be in limbo, desperate to get revenge?

Sure. He definitely would. He'd let nothing stop him.

Nothing. But ghosts aren't real. Probably. So stop thinking about it.

What the hell? It's you!

-Flanagan!

-Huh?

Now, I don't care why you're doing this, but it has to stop.

I want you to leave here, OK? What happened, happened.

Nobody's to blame, but you need to move on.

Er, OK.

Goodbye, Flanagan.

Goodbye partner.

-Stop right there, Cliche.

-MFI. You're under arrest.

-Hands up, Cliche.

-Think we won't shoot?

-Think again!

Show him.

Didn't feel a thing!

Hm, I still think I'm going to escape.

Don't worry everyone, AmazerLazer will stop him.

-No, it won't. Seriously, it's shit.

-It isn't.

Give it up, Cliche. There's no way out.

OK, fine, but first I just have to

take a hostage.

GASPS

Don't shoot. That statue's priceless.

This is not goodbye. Just au revoir.

And to think, you thought I could be caught by a couple of

shit cops like you.

Shit cops? That's it.

Argh! My eyes!

Cliche, you're under arrest.

You have the right to earn us 20,000 points.

Thanks to Amazerlazer, we've now defeated France.

So, who wants to buy one? Huh?

Jim, you son of a bitch, you've got money, your mum just died.

You just destroyed a priceless statue!

Well, there goes his sculpted physique.

-He's back, there it is.

-Hey. I totally came up with that.

-Sure, tell it to the judge.

-No. I did! I did!

There was just no-one around to hear it.

I can't see.

Well, guys, that was some great police work.

Maybe you're not such useless bellends after all.

Yeah, you're all right.

You should really get an ambulance.

Maybe you're not such useless bellends after all.

You're suffering major brain trauma.

-See you around, JCPD.

-In a bit, MFI.

Hey, guys, guys, see you soon.

You going to get changed now?

No.

I respect that.

And now, to pay tribute to two police officers with

the greatest honour a cop duo can earn.

I did it, Dad.

It gives me great pleasure to present the Golden Doughnut to

Officers Peterson and McGockey. Get your asses over here. Come on.

Take this, it's yours.

All that paperwork really does add up.

-Wow. I can't believe we won the Golden Doughnut.

-Yes.

I really expected Mahogany and Rust to win,

-but they didn't, which was a big surprise.

-Yes.

Don't beat yourselves up too much, boys.

You see, I learned something today.

I learned you can't let your past haunt you.

I learnt a lot about France people.

And I learnt that Justice City Penitentiary's

going to have a new French blind to go in the window.

Because you blinded the France bloke and now he's in prison.

That's how the joke works.

He'll never regain the power of sight.