The Escape of Vince Rust Top Coppers

This programme contains very strong language

I'm coming for you, brother.

And you, Planet Sofa.

And you.

20% off.

Not bad...

'This just in!

'Mayor Grady has been caught up in yet another scandal.

'You in the bush! With your trousers down!

'I can explain everything! I can explain everything!

'Get on the floor!

'We'll have more on this breaking news story, right after

'this special announcement from the Mayor's office.'

I'll be at church in a minute, Mom!

Oh, hi!

Mayor Grady here.

You just caught me hanging out at the old family farm.

What's that?

The papers are printing spurious stories about my private life?

HE CHUCKLES

You know, a lot of people hang around that park at night.

Whether I had my trousers on or not is my own damn business.

I am now fully cooperating with the police during this investigation.

I'm Mayor Grady and I approve this message.

So, do you want to ask Grady the questions?

Give me a bit of a time off on my special day?

I don't see what's so special about a Wednesday.

Unbelievable.

And it's not even Wednesday. It's Monday.

TYRES SCREECH

-They look like testicles.

-OFFICE TOY CLICKS

Oh, hey, John, Mitch.

These newspapers, you know?

The minute you're found in a park with your trousers down,

all of a sudden, you're labelled a sex pest!

You know what would be great? If this would just...go away.

Mayor, my name is Detective John Mahogany of the JCPD.

-I know.

-And I've never taken a bribe in my life.

My father never took a bribe, Mitch has never...

What are you doing?

You didn't see anything.

More for me. So, you need a statement, huh?

Just a couple of questions, really - Mitch, would you like to go first?

Nah.

Yes, just some clarification on the broader details.

Well, as I explained earlier,

I was in the park with my personal trainer, Crystal Beth.

My zip broke and the trousers fell down.

Then, these nuns came by

and obviously jumped to the wrong conclusions.

So, as you can see, I've got nothing to hide.

MACHINERY CREAKS AND WHIRRS

Apart from the secret vault!

I always hide the secret vault.

What did you do?

I just pulled that travel book out.

Treasure Island? That's not a travel book.

As long as you're here, you might as well get the special tour.

This is where I tend to keep my valuables,

especially around election time.

This is all yours?

You bet your sweet anus it is.

"Property of Justice City Art Gallery".

-MAYOR GRADY LAUGHS

-What are you, the cops?!

-Yes.

-Oh. Well, this is all mere decoration compared to this -

my piece de resistance.

It's just a sticker.

Oh, this isn't just any sticker, John.

-This is...

-Dean Saunders.

That's right.

20 years ago, there was a major shortage of Dean Saunders.

Mass hysteria broke out,

as boys and fully grown men turned on each other -

fathers, sons, brothers,

another brother -

all unable to complete their Merlin sticker albums.

Needless to say, it's practically priceless.

I'll swap you.

Swap me! For who?

Andy Townsend?

-MAYOR GRADY LAUGHS

-Andy Townsend?

Get out!

Andy Townsend...

(I would never swap you for Andy Townsend. I love you.

(I love you so much...)

Come on, Dean Saunders, come on, Dean Saunders...

Oh, for f...

Mitch? Mitch?

-LORRY HORN BLARES

-Mitch?!

-What!?

Can you concentrate on the road, please?

CAR HORNS BLARE

I've told you, you've got to keep looking forward.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-What is the matter with you lately?

-It's like you can't be bothered with anything.

-What?

You can't focus, you've been skiving off...

What? I've been following loads of leads.

Yeah, all at the Leisure Park.

The ten pin bowling lead, the arcade lead,

The Frankie And Benny's lead...

Its a shame, I was going to follow up another lead today.

-Orange Wednesdays.

-It's Monday!

Gah!

-# Chief!

-# Chief.

-Chief.

OK, boys, two things. First - John, many happy returns.

Ah. Thanks for remembering, Chief.

Wow, it's a...

It's a lovely frame.

You can keep the picture in there if you want, or not, totally up to you.

-I'll have it.

-It's mine. Thanks.

Now, what did you want to see us about?

There's a been a break out from Justice City Penitentiary.

-Who's it this time?

-Mitch... it's your identical twin brother -

Vince.

MITCH SIGHS Not that twat.

You've got an identical twin brother in prison?

No, he escaped from prison. Keep up, mate.

We just had a reported sighting down at Justice City General Hospital.

Go check it out. I want that ugly son of a bitch back behind bars.

Yeah, the ugly motherfucker.

-TANNOY:

-'Urgent announcement - priest to ward three,

'I repeat, priest to... Oh, no. Don't worry about it.'

-Anything?

-What are you doing? Get down!

Nah, it's all right, it's just a cleaning lady.

So, let me get this straight -

there's actually two of you and you're exactly the same?

Not exactly.

I got an "M" and he's got a "V".

Helped tell us apart in public.

Right... That, er... That makes sense.

Where's your gun?

Must have left it in the car. I'll get it later.

Right, that's the last straw.

You either completely change your whole personality,

or you find yourself a new partner.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means I'm sick of you being a lazy bastard

and me picking up your slack.

No, I mean what's that supposed to mean?

-MAHOGANY SIGHS

-For God's sakes, Mitch.

You can't even remember my birthday.

I thought that was last year.

OK, I think we need some cooling off time.

-Sounds good to me!

-Great. Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to do some actual police work!

-Well, so am I!

-Great! Because that's exactly what I wanted!

Yeah?! Well, it was a knee-jerk reaction -

and I regret saying it!

Trouble in paradise, eh, ladies?

Sorry?

What?

Oh, nothing love.

Just chatting to myself, ain't I?

Nothing suspicious going on here.

Vince? You in here, or what?

Vince?

All right, you bellend?

Oh, fuck...

How's tricks, knob cheese?

All right thanks, pin dick.

You been hanging around any vaults lately?

Can't remember.

Well, maybe this will help jog your noggin.

Half price at DFS?

No...this!

Oh, shit.

That's right.

Dean Saunders.

Come on, Dean, come on, Dean Saunders. Come on!

What you got there?

Nothing. Just another Andy Townsend.

-It's Dean Saunders, ain't it?

-No.

-Give it here!

-Let it go! Its mine!

-Get off! Give it to me!

-BOTH:

-Dean!

Oh, my God!

TYRES SCREECH CRASH

Someone call an ambulance!

I've waited a bloody long time to finish my sticker album.

That empty space, teasing me everyday in the clink!

So, are you going to tell me how to get into Grady's vault, or what?

-Nah.

-Fine.

Then your idiot partner will.

Using the latest breakthroughs in medical science,

our faces are going to be surgically removed and switched.

You will become me and I...

will become you.

Doctor, prepare us for Face Swap.

But you're identical twins.

What?

Well, you've got exactly the same face.

Prepare us for Face Swap!

All right, all right, I'll prepare you for face swap.

Extraordinary...

Good job on the take down, Mitch.

Cheers, copper that I've worked with for years!

Way to put your twin brother back in prison.

Oh, nice one, rozzer that I definitely know the name of!

Ah.

The old familiar building that I work in every day.

Yeah, this'll do all right.

Mitch? What the hell happened? I couldn't find you anywhere.

Yeah, I... Er, I nicked my idiot brother, didn't I?

Anyway, job's a good 'un, he's back in the slammer.

Are you all right? You usually have your nap between 11 and 4.

Yeah. Look, I got you a present.

It's one of those "favourite memory" books, like.

Ah, there's one.

Remember that time we got into Mayor Grady's vault?

It was amazing, the way it opened by...

You can finish it off, if you like.

Yeah.... Yes.

Oh, very good.

This is the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, you going to finish it off, or not?

-LAUGHTER

-Yeah, we're partners!

You don't want to do that!

-LAUGHTER

-Ow...

PHONE RINGS

Hello, The Filth?

-"Cheese"?

-VINCE LAUGHS

No, we don't need cheese, mate.

"Chief." Yeah.

Some bloke called "Chief" wants to see us in his office.

OK. After you.

Yeah, well, that cupboard's clear.

How about you lead the way, partner?

# Suspicion! #

Chief.

There's been another Grady scandal, boys.

We raided a massage parlour this morning

and Grady was caught in a somewhat compromising situation.

'Officers, please! Don't look at me!'

-'Don't look at me!'

-MAYOR SOBS

Sounds like we should take a butchers at Grady's secret vault.

Talking of which, I'd be happy to lead a search of it.

See what we can find, you know?

What do you say?

Plenty more where they came from, Chef.

GUARD DOGS BARK

-CELL DOOR SLAMS

-Lights out!

No!

I must admit, something seemed different about Vince that day.

Funny how a man can change, when he gets a taste of the outside world.

One minute, you're breathing in the cool air of freedom...

The next, you're banged up with nothing but your regrets

and a deranged serial killer.

Oh, bollocks.

So, what you in for, mate?

Me? Well, I guess I'm just a man

who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Framed for a robbery that I did not commit,

but too long locked up ever be able to make a go of it on the outside.

Wow.

And I murdered my family, and all their neighbours and my wife.

Bummer.

Yes I did, but she was still warm.

Why don't I ask Grady the questions, eh?

Wait a minute, you want to ask all the questions suddenly?

-I see what's happening here.

-What you chatting about?

Suddenly, you're acting all differently.

You remembered my birthday, you're up for doing more work,

you haven't upset any pensioners - it's like you're not Mitch at all.

Which can all only mean one thing...

You totally took on board what I said earlier,

-about having to change your whole personality!

-Yeah, yeah!

VINCE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I heard you banging on about it in that hospital corridor, didn't I?

To me! Yeah. Nice one.

John, Mitch, thanks for coming by again to clear things up.

Maybe we should talk somewhere a bit more vaulty. Like your vault?

-How do we get in again?

-LAUGHTER

This guy! This guy right here's my partner. Up top.

Yeah, one step ahead, all right.

Mr Mayor, just tell us, in your own words, what happened.

Well, I was having a perfectly innocent massage

from the lovely Suki Won here.

You want sex?

-Excuse me?

-No! Not now.

-MAYOR LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I bet you didn't know this,

but massage parlours attract snakes.

A snake got in and bit me on the ding-dong.

Luckily, Suki Won here is an international expert on snake venom.

Really?

Yes.

Where others would have panicked, Suki Won leapt to it,

and sucked the poison out.

Which is when your officers came in and clearly got mistaken.

Is that definitely what happened?

No. MAYOR COUGHS

Yes.

Well, if that clears everything up...

Suki Won, you're free to go.

And look out for those snakes!

What is snake?

-MAYOR LAUGHS

-She's a comic in her home country.

Well, if that's everything,

I've got business I need to attend to.

Time to check on old Dean Saunders.

MACHINERY CRANKS AND WHIRRS

How did he...? How did he do that?

-Yep, all good.

-VINCE SOBS

MAYOR WHISTLES VINCE WHEEZES

Well, I'm glad that's cleared up. Shall we hug it out?

Let's hug it out. Let's hug it out. Let's hug it out.

We'll hug in the car. We'll hug in the car.

We're going to hug in the car.

-# They're hanging out in the showers

-Cos he's his best friend

# They're having a good time in their towels

# Cos he's his best friend.

# John doesn't seem to see it But that definitely isn't Mitch

# It's definitely Vince

# It's pretty bloody obvious That back in the hospital

# Vince pulled a switch

-# He's clearly trying to con him

-Cos he's his best friend

# Missing the point He's probably going to kill him

# Cos he's his best friend

# You're not really listening

-# He's in mortal danger

-Cos he's his best friend. #

Say, Vince?

Some of the boys are thinking about a prison riot later.

You want in?

Nah, I'm all right.

It's nearly nap time.

You know, my mama always told me to hold my tongue.

Ironic, considering that I cut hers out,

but I can't no longer.

We used to be a team,

but a team ain't nothing if you ain't got your partner.

-ECHOING:

-'If you ain't got your partner...

'If you ain't got your partner...

-ECHO:

-'If you ain't got your partner...

'If you ain't got your partner...'

If you ain't got your partner...

If you ain't got your partner...

Hey, Nolan?

How do you fancy breaking out of this joint?

-Yeah!

-Yeah?

-Yeah!

-Yeah, yeah, OK!

-Yeah!

-Yeah, yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Oh...

Do you have any ideas?

Why don't we just escape however you did last time?

Last time?

That was pretty easy, actually...

Oh, yeah -

I dug a massive tunnel!

-You wanted to see me?

-Come in, quickly!

Why, what's going on?

We've had Mitch under close observation for the past two days.

There has been an 86% increase in work attendance,

alongside a 96% drop in misplaced firearms.

But this is perhaps the most compelling evidence of all.

By 4.36 pm, on average,

Mitch will have eaten 12 to 16 packets of bacon crisps.

This was him by the same time today.

Bacon crisps consumed so far -

zero.

Leading us to the only logical conclusion.

Mitch...

is in fact...

Vince.

Guys, guys, guys, let's not get carried away.

All that's happened is that Mitch and I had an adult conversation.

I told him my issues, he took them on board

and he's now completely changed who he is.

OK, fine!

But there's no way to prove it.

It's not like they're branded or anything.

I've got an "M" and he's got a "V".

Can you go in on this image?

Go to the mirror in the background.

Is that a letter "V"?

It looks more like an "O" to me.

-No, to the right.

-Yeah, that's a "V".

Which can only mean one thing...

-All right?

-All right?

MAHOGANY LAUGHS MECHANICALLY

VINCE LAUGHS MECHANICALLY

Yeah.

-Yeah.

-BOTH FORCE LAUGHS

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

You know, I was thinking about...

-..Grady's vault.

-Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, who would have thought

that to get to the treasure...

-Yeah?

-You'd have to pull on a book...

-Yeah?!

-..which is on the bookshelves...

Just bloody say it!

..and is called Treasure Island.

-VINCE LAUGHS

-Fuck you!

It's still clear.

ALARMS BLARE

Keep your eyes peeled. They're around here somewhere.

Hey, Nolan!

Less of them murders, yeah?

Sure thing, old friend. Sure thing.

SLOW CLAP

Hello, Mitch.

Or should I say, "Vince"?

That's right, I know who you really are, and I bet you're wondering how.

Well, it was all quite simple, really.

I first became suspicious when you...

Shit.

-All right?

-What you doing here, bum breath?

Give me Dean Saunders.

Nah.

Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself?

Why you hitting yourself? Why you hitting yourself?

-No, not the wet willy!

-Wet...willy!

MITCH SCREAMS

Ahh! Chinese burn!

-Say I'm the best!

-I'm the best.

No, I mean "you're the best"!

-Cheers.

-You're such a div!

VINCE SCREAMS

MACHINERY CREAKS AND WHIRRS

Dean!

CAR HORNS BLARE, TYRES SCREECH CRASH

Oh, it's a pile up down there!

-EXPLOSION

-Sorry!

GUN CLICKS

I'm going to ask you one question...

When's my birthday?

-March 4th.

-Couldn't give a shit.

-GUNSHOT

-Argh! You shot me, you bastard!

I'm Mitch! I'm Mitch!

Whoa, whoa, what you doing, mate?

-Let's see what we've got here.

-What you doing?

Just what I thought.

In short, I've absolutely nothing to hide.

I'm innocent! I'm actually innocent this time

...and every time.

Only on this occasion, I am particularly innocent.

Come on, man!

Vote Grady.

We'll swap their faces back.

-No-one will ever have to know.

-ECG BEEPS

Seriously, it's the same face.

Make it so, Doc. Make it so...

APPLAUSE

Mitch, I'm sorry I tried to change you into something that you're not.

I mean, who cares about birthdays, anyway?

-I got you a present.

-About time!

What is it?

About 15 Andy Townsends.

Right. Thanks, mate.

Good news, boys. You cracked the case!

Yeah! I was horribly unobservant.

I broke out of prison.

And aided the escape of a notorious serial killer in the process.

LAUGHTER

We should try and catch that guy before he kills someone!

-LAUGHTER

-If he hasn't already!

Whoops!