The Passion of the Chris Top Coppers

This programme contains some strong language

Oh, for God's sake!

-'What the hell's going on?!'

-'Oh, my God!'

'Where did all the lights go?!'

'You're not my wife!'

This must be my day! We've literally not had one red light

-this whole way.

-Or green.

TYRES SCREECH AND HORNS HONK

RUST HONKS HORN Hey, hey!

I saw a beautiful woman.

You're supposed to honk when you see one.

-That's sexist!

-That's the law.

That's shallow! It's not what a woman looks like that's important.

It's their personality. You know what my favourite part of a woman is?

-Shins?

-Her mind.

Mine's shins, then head...

-..shoulders, knees and toes.

-Knees and toes?

Then tits.

There's another one!

-Don't!

-Oh, come on! You know, you're really boring sometimes.

-You remind me of my accountant.

-Why, what does he say?

-Oh, you know.

"Blah, blah, blah, you haven't paid your tax for five years.

"Blah, blah, blah, you could go to prison."

Have you not paid your tax in five years?

No, but there's a good reason for that.

-I don't want to.

-SCREECHING TYRES

-Seriously, what's going on here?

-Something's not right.

-Yeah, I know what you mean.

-I specifically said no gherkins.

It's like there's some kind of electrical power surge or something.

-There'll be looting in the streets next.

-No.

I've got a little bit more faith in the good folk of Justice City.

-There goes Dixons.

-GLASS SHATTERS

-Oh, for God's sake!

-I'm on it, mate.

SCREECHING TYRES, HONKING HORNS AND SHATTERING GLASS

Thought you said you were going to stop the looting!

Can't steal what's already stolen.

You, get me a hotline to the power station!

You, get me a double plug adaptor!

You, where the hell is my milkshake?!

Things have gone crazy and I'm guessing you have some questions.

Yeah, what milkshake's that?

Also, what caused the freak electrical event which brought

the entire city to a standstill?

Someone hacked into the power grid

and generated an electromagnetic dampening field.

We've lost control of the city -

and my milkshake is whipped cherry.

-As if that wasn't enough, the hacker wiped all of the tax records.

-I see.

-So that must be why there is a tax inspector here.

-Yes.

You two! Come with me!

This is serious, boys.

The city's under attack from something called a computer hacker.

Maybe we should call the tax inspection off until it, er,

-blows over.

-Goddamn technology!

I tell you, there's nothing I hate more than computers!

KOWALSKI!

I thought it was about time you upgraded.

It's all right, though, I transferred all of your documents.

Now you'll never need a paper file ever again.

-Tax free as well.

-What?

-Computers are tax free?

-Yes, Mitch.

Interesting...

-I've got to go.

-You off to catch the hacker, put an end to this?

Er, yeah.

Great. Chief, Zach, we're on it.

-What the hell?!

-Just press Enter.

Oh, er, E, er, N...!

No, don't type "enter."

Press Enter.

Hey, Chief! Captain Woods here,

just giving you a quick video call from Ace Town PD!

-How's that new computer working out for you?

-I'm busy, Woods!

I can't hear you. You've turned the sound off.

Oh, er, hold on there, I'll, er...

Hello? Hello? Hello?

-COMPUTER VOICE:

-You have ordered 30 boxes of Wheaty Biscuits.

No, goddamnit!

Just kidding. I could hear you fine!

Hey, maybe you'd be better off with a typewriter!

Leave the hi-tech crime to us here at, uh...

Ace Town!

WOODS LAUGHS

Hey, Kaminski! Get a load of this guy!

-WOODS LAUGHS

-How'd you cut this thing off?!

Control-Alt-Delete, that'll shut anything down, like this.

Is this on?! HE LAUGHS

Man, I hate that guy!

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

# Woods! #

OK, Kowalski, bring me up to speed on this computer hacker!

What the hell...?

-What's going on?

-The technology box is making many beeps.

'Hello, Justice City PD.

'I hope my little display got your attention.

'My reign of terror has only just begun.

'This morning was merely an hors d'oeuvre before the main course.'

(Keep them talking.)

Uh, wouldn't an hors d'oeuvre come before the starter?

'Technically an hors d'oeuvre is a small starter.'

I thought it was a little bite-sized thing you get with a drink.

-'That would really be more of an aperitif.'

-Tell me more.

'Well, aperitifs are served before the meal,

'whereas hors d'oeuvres are part of the meal itself.'

What about antipasta? What is that?

'More of a serving platter, really.

'Look, forget it!

'I'm not here to talk about starters.

'No, once again I have total control over all your systems.

'If I so choose I can press a button, open every prison cell,

'or wipe every bank account.

'But most important of all, I can push a big red button

'and launch one of these...'

-THEY GASP

-'..a five tonne nuclear missile,

'aimed right at the heart of Justice City

'and I WILL launch it unless you give me what I want.'

-What do you want?

-'I want...

'..John Mahogany.'

Printer's back on.

So, all Mahogany has to do is go and meet this woman

at her chosen location, alone, without any backup.

-See what she wants.

-What?

You can't seriously be suggesting sending me in there, chief.

-She's crazy.

-She might not be crazy.

You wrote it on the board!

And it's underlined!

WHIRRING AND CLANKING

What in God's name is that?

Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt! Bzzt!

Bzzt! Bzzt!

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-I am Robot Cop.

-Robot Cop?

-Yeah.

-OK.

And why are you pretending to be a robot?

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-I am not pretending.

This is because of tax, isn't it?

Robot Cop is tax-free.

Oh, for God's sake, Mitch, just pay your tax.

Do you really expect anyone to fall for this?

Welcome aboard, Robot Cop.

-What the...

-You are just the weapon we need to clean up these streets.

-You've got to be kidding me.

-Cheers, chief.

Now, get out there and give this city the shakedown it needs.

Maybe in a bit.

Bzzt!

Bzzt! Bzzt!

-You're just doing those noises with your mouth.

-Do one, mate.

Chief, I think I've got a lead on why the hacker wants John.

I tested her voice waves against our audio record files

and we've got a match.

Our hacker is a woman aged 28 called Christine Peacock

and get this - she went to school with one John Mahogany.

One John Mahogany - who's that? Is he Spanish?

I think he means me.

Sorry, I don't remember her at all...

Oh, wait...

Will you go out with me?

NO!

See? No big deal.

Just a jilted woman that's been brooding on it for 20 years,

letting it gnaw away at her, like a mouse eating cheese real slow.

She probably forgot all about it.

OK, she's definitely not forgotten all about it.

Hi, John!

Mwah!

It's so great to see you!

Oh, my gosh, Christine?

Please, call me Chris.

You look, erm... I mean...

I am so glad you could make it.

-Well, you didn't give me much choice.

-No, I suppose I didn't!

Sorry about all that, drama queen alert!

'Oh, my God, she's so...beautiful.

'She's not like I remember her at all.'

Erm... How are you?

-It must be, what...

-20 years, two months and three days

since you rejected me, but who's counting? Ha-ha-ha!

'What a beautiful laugh.'

Look, I'm sorry about that, I was just a kid.

Hey, listen, why don't we just stop all this hacking

and threatening to blow up the city?

That depends, silly.

On what, silly?

'I think she's flirting with me.

'Focus, John!

'Remember what you're here to do.

'You're a cop and you have to save the city.'

-Will you go out with me?

-Yes.

-On a date?

-Yes.

-Tonight?

-Yes.

-Or I destroy the city.

-Yes, absolutely, no problem.

-Yaay!

We can't let you go on that date, John. She's crazy!

There's no telling what could happen.

I'm really happy to put myself on the line for this one, chief.

Don't be a damn hero! Stop thinking with your badge!

I don't think it's his badge he's thinking with, Chief.

Yes, I believe Zach is correct in his innuendo which suggests

that John is attracted to the suspect.

Judging by his dilated pupils,

increased heartrate, trouser swelling...

It's a Twix! Anyway, she's not crazy.

She's just...free-spirited!

You've got to let me go on that date, Chief!

-Oh, my God, it's Robot Cop.

-Is it really him?

-All right?

-Good of you to join us, Robot Cop.

-We need you now more than ever.

-No worries, Chief.

-He's not a robot!

Sounds like John is feeling envy towards the robotic policeman.

Yeah, quit giving him a hard time.

Machines have feelings too, you know.

He's faking it, look at him!

Robots don't eat fried chicken.

-It's robot fuel.

-Got you there, John.

Chief, we're wasting time.

-You've got to let me go on that date.

-It's not worth the risk!

Listen, we don't have a choice.

We need to locate her hideout and shut her down from within

So, to do that, we need Mahogany to stay close to her.

-Sounds like a good plan.

-We need him on the inside.

-Brilliant.

-In her hidden lair.

-Great.

-Her underground base.

-OK.

-Her dark cave.

-All right, that's probably enough there.

To have a chance of saving Justice City,

Mahogany doesn't just have to go on that date...

he has to get back to her place.

But Mahogany is poorly skilled at the dating.

OK, people, I want us all on this.

We're going to have to get Mahogany into dating shape by tonight.

I don't need help with my dating.

The future of Justice City depends on one thing

and one thing only -

John getting back to her place.

Not a chance, mate.

# When a man is useless

# He never gets past first base

# Now a city depends on him to get back to the psycho's place

# When you think you're a ten

# But you're more like a three

# You've gotta up your game

# You've got a date with destiny

# You've got a date

# A date with destiny

# Lose the BO cos Romeo You're gonna need some chemistry

# You've got a date

# A date with destiny

# Be prepared cos she's not all there

# She's pretty messed up mentally

# You've got a date

# A date with destiny

# Show goodwill and foot the bill

# Or she'll launch her nuclear weaponry

# She's got a missile! Get on the date... #

Esc... What the goddamn hell is Esc?

-You have ordered 10 packets of nachos.

-Shut up!

And guacamole.

8-BIT FANFARE PLAYS

-Caught you at a bad time, Chief?

-What the hell do you want, Woods?

The Ace Town Natural History Museum has closed down.

This is the only way I can see a dinosaur now!

What button do I have to press to kick your ass?

Oh, that would be the ass-kicking button. It's on the top row.

No, no, no, down.

-Oh, OK.

-Across.

I can't believe you actually looked for it!

Hey, O'Mara!

Later, old man.

Man, I hate Captain Woods!

'Mahogany is at base, Chief. Operation No Chance is go.'

Let's do it!

Anything goes wrong, you've got undercover backup there.

Your tracking device is voice-activated

so don't forget to switch it on when you leave.

'Remember, John, this is all on you.

-'Mess this up and she will blow us all to hell.'

-OK, I've got it.

'And tell her that her hair looks nice.'

Guys, I've been on dates before.

We've got movement. Positions, everyone.

-Hello, you.

-OK, people, here goes nothing!

-Her coat, John. Get her coat.

-Oh, allow me.

-Thank you, what a gent.

THEY SIGH WITH RELIEF

Sorry, I hope you don't mind me asking, but you did come alone,

just because obviously I don't want to have to, you know...

Boom!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, my God, I'm melting!

You know what I mean, yeah?

Of course. You've literally got all of me to yourself.

-There's not another cop for miles.

-Bzzt! Bzzt!

Bzzt!

Bzzt!

You all right?

-What can I get you?

-Erm...

Hi, can we get a Chateauneuf-du-Pape, please, monsieur?

I've got beer.

Oh, oh, oh!

I love a glass of wine. Beer is fine also. Oh, look!

THEY GASP

There is a launch button. Which can fire some nuclear missiles. OK.

Sorry, is that not OK? I haven't been on a date for a while,

I don't really know what's acceptable.

No, no, of course, whatever you're comfortable with, really.

To rekindling old flames and, ideally, not blowing up the city!

SEDUCTIVE MUSIC PLAYS

# This is a passage in time

# This is a passage in time

# Will he get to her passage in time? #

I thought I'd try out cyber-terrorism.

Look at me, yakking on, when I guess it's time to go.

Code red! Come on, Mahogany, it's now or never.

You have to get back to hers.

Come on, John, come on!

Wait, erm, do...

Do you want to come back for some coffee at my house?

Or your house? It doesn't have to be my house, specifically.

It can be at your house.

If you don't have coffee, we can stop off on the way.

Keep it together, Mahogany.

Cos I don't like coffee so you just have to buy a coffee for yourself,

but if you don't like coffee, then we can still go to your house

and just talk about coffee houses. It's really up to you.

I don't usually have guys back on a first date.

THEY GROAN

-Oh, OK.

-But...

-What the hell? Go on, then!

-Really?

-Yeah!

THEY CHEER

Wait! Where's Mahogany?

I can't see him on any feed and he's not activated the tracking device!

Damn it! Robot Cop, where the hell are you? Are you with Mahogany?

-'Nah.'

-Well, get out there and find him, Goddamn it!

OK, people, we got ourselves a situation.

We need to find John and the city is depending on him. Let's go, go, go!

May God have mercy on us all.

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

Just give me your scooter.

Thank you!

-So, here we are.

-Nice place.

Oh, don't! I'm so embarrassed.

Please, just give me a moment to tidy up.

-This is interesting, what you've done here.

-Oh, yeah! What do you think?

It's, erm...

It's very me.

SHE LAUGHS

Kowalski! Status report!

Still waiting for Mahogany to initiate the tracking device

to transfer his coordinates, Chief.

Come on, John, where are you, Goddamn it?

(Activate.

(Turn on.

(Mahogany is rubbish, Zach's the best.)

BEEPING

Mahogany has activated the tracking device.

Good work, Kowalski!

So, is that coffee still on offer?

WHIRRING

-ROBOTIC VOICE:

-Battery cells recharging.

Now entering...Christine...mode.

Not another robot!

'Yes, John, a robot,

'but not just any robot - the Chrisotron 5000.

'You see, I knew if I dangled some eye candy,

'then I could lure you here.'

I'm the girl you rejected 20 years ago. You're mine, John Mahogany.

But first, I'm going to show you the monster you created.

Holy crap!

I know, I'm a monster.

No, you're really not.

You basically look the same as your robot. I don't know why you bothered.

Come in, Robot Cop! We need you, Robot Cop!

I'm on it, mate!

I spent 20 years try to find a way to punish you.

You won't run away this time.

-It's time to die, John.

-Backup, guys. Backup, backup!

Right after we have loads of sex.

Cancel backup, cancel backup, cancel backup!

Come with me if you want a lift.

Listen, can you give me five minutes?

-Move, move, move!

-Everybody, freeze!

No, no, no, guys, I've got this so just leave.

I'm FINE!

If I can't have him, nobody will.

KLAXON BLARES

'Missile launched. Detonation in two minutes.'

-Bollocks.

-Right, I'll try and shut it down, then.

No, get away from there!

Chrisotron 5000, attack!

Oh, my gosh, it's a robot and it's going to attack us.

Yes, what we need is someone that can fight it.

But who is best equipped to fight a robot?

-Oh, bloody hell!

-What about Robot Cop?

-What about Zach?

Yeah, robot on robot. That's a great idea.

Let's see what you can do, ROBOT COP.

-This is a good plan.

-What?

Ow, ow, ow! Really?

Oof, not there!

'Detonation in one minute.'

Oh, fudge it!

She's locked me out and re-routed the missile control

to a random computer in the city.

Let's hope it falls into the right hands.

'Impact in 40 seconds.'

-Hey, loser!

-What? Get the hell off my screen!

How's the weather over there?

Your forecast says something about mushroom clouds

and temperatures of up to five million degrees.

'Impact in ten seconds.'

Call me a cab!

Think, Chief, think!

Control-Alt-Delete, that will shut anything down.

Control-Alt-Delete -

which one of you Goddamn keys is Control-Alt-Delete?!

-'Impact in 20 seconds.'

-Tab? Nope.

Oop... Yep...

Alt...

Delete...

-'Impact in two seconds.'

-What?

Yeah!

Well, that was a weird day. How you feeling?

I think I've punctured a lung.

Well, there's no time to rest, Robot Cop.

We just got news that there's a prison riot

in the especially violent wing at Justice City Penitentiary.

Sod it.

CHIEF GASPS

It's me. I'm not really a robot.

-Yeah, I know. What about the tax inspector?

-It's fine.

He doesn't work Tuesdays.

Yeah, but it's Friday.

Mitch Rust? You owe a tremendous amount of income tax.

We'll be in touch.

You know, we've all learned something today.

I'm going to stop living in the past and embrace technology.

I'm going to put personality before looks,

because although we like to think we're not,

deep down, we're all a little bit shallow.

I'm going to Mexico!

I'm going to build myself a Chrisotron 5000.

I'm going to learn to take things more seriously.

-I'm just happy to be here.

-Yes, as am I.

And we've all learned that the next time we go to Ace Town,

we won't have any trouble finding a parking space!

THEY LAUGH

Everything there is literally dust!

They're all fucking DEAD!

Yeah!

Action!

Mmm... Ah, mmm...

What is wrong with you two?

The way you move and talk, it's not natural!

LAUGHTER

Get your ass out of my face, boy! What the hell you doing?

Whoa! Whoa!

Let's go save the day.

It's top heavy! I did it for him.

Take it from the lover of another brother's brother!

-LAUGHTER

-What the hell you laughing at?

There's a lot of brothers!

-I hate actors.

-What's wrong with actors?

Well, you know, they're all just like, "Mmm..."

Mmm! Mmm, I can't wait for the wrap party.

Hmm, let's go fuck each other.