Episode 6 Twenty Twelve


Episode 6

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This programme contains strong language.

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'And Seb Coe gets the gold medal...'

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# There may be trouble ahead

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# But while there's moonlight and music

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# And love and romance

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# Let's face the music and dance

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# Let's face the music and dance. #

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I don't care. Well...

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It's Monday morning.

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Already it's not a good start to the week for Twenty Twelve's Head of Deliverance, Ian Fletcher.

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Over the weekend he's run into problems with his wife

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over the level of his commitment to a recent programme she's drawn up

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for him to reconnect with his emotional life.

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That's what you don't seem to...

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But things are about to get worse.

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Look, I don't care.

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-Morning, Sally.

-Oh, hi. Morning.

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-So, we have a giant pile of horse shit on the pavement outside.

-Yes.

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-I'm assuming that's not an accident.

-They're looking at the CCTV now.

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Apparently it was just there this morning.

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Or if it is, it's an accident of truly epic proportions.

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I pity the horse involved.

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Seb's office have been trying to get hold of you.

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Yes, I know. I thought I'd better see the size of it for myself first.

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-Just a wild guess - this is the Greenwich Park Separatist Movement, isn't it?

-I think that's the idea.

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-I think the feeling upstairs is, it might be a better idea if you dealt with it rather than Seb.

-Great.

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-I think he feels it might be...

-That's a much better idea. Great.

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-Do you want a cinnamon Danish whirl with your cappuccino?

-Why not?

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-Live dangerously.

-They had fresh ones when I arrived, so I picked one up just in case.

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-Great. And if they've got any shit sandwiches, maybe you could pick one of those, too.

-Right, oh...sure.

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After months of bitter argument, local feeling about the decision

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to use Greenwich Park as a venue for Equestrian events in 2012 is running high.

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Apparently this Ward guy is a bit of a, you know, uh...

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Well, not a great deal, I know he was thrown out of the last council meeting, so...

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Well, apparently he called the Chair of the Planning Committee a useless fatso...

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Well, I know, but even so..

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Absolutely.

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Yes, absolutely.

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No, absolutely.

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No, not at all, that's fine. Strategically the last thing we need

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is for you to be wading knee deep in...

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Absolutely, not at all, not in the least...

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'The strategy is to keep this as low key as possible. The press will no doubt get hold of it,'

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they love this kind of thing, but it makes sense to keep Seb out of it.

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-So that's all good.

-But how do feel about that?

-That's great.

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-You don't feel you've been dumped in the...?

-No.

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-I know what you want me to say, and I'm not going to say it.

-OK.

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It's not the Monday morning I was hoping for, particularly after this weekend.

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-But no, it's all good.

-So what happened at the weekend?

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I don't think we really need to talk about that, do we?

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-Well...

-I'm not sure what there is to say about a 48-hour stony silence.

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-DOG BARKS

-Come on, there we go. Leave it, leave it!

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Go on, go on, Otis, go on. Where's it gone?

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Tony Ward is no stranger either to controversy or to cameras.

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That's great, that's very real.

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Today, it may be a BBC London News team.

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But 30 years ago, in 1979, he won a BAFTA for his film Intravenous,

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which has since gone on to achieve near cult status amongst those who saw it.

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-Maybe you could just do that one more time.

-No, I think that's enough now for now, for fuck's sake.

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After the success of Intravenous, Ward had a spell in Hollywood

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where he made almost two other films in the 1980s before eventually returning to London

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to make a series of commercially less successful, but highly personal marriages.

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His house has overlooked Greenwich Park ever since

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and last year he became sole founder of the Greenwich Anti-Equine League.

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The horse lobby are a bunch of fucking tossers...

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Since Greenwich was chosen as the venue for equestrian events,

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he feels he has become trapped between various bureaucratic bodies

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which are disinclined to listen to the voice of the ordinary individual.

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In these circumstances he feels his campaign of action

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is not only a reasonable but an appropriate response.

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-See how the fuck they like that.

-Right.

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The irony of it is, I used to rather like this fucking country.

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-I mean yes, sure, I may have made a contribution to shaking it up in my own small way.

-Right.

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Fine. Yes, I'll grant you that.

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-Right. Yes.

-The thing is...

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Sorry, in what way exactly?

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Well, through my work.

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Oh, right. Oh, yes, of course.

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Yes. But that's only because I love it.

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-It's like beating your wife.

-Right.

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Which I've also done, obviously, but I'm not proud of it,

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but there's a kind of honesty in that moment that people really don't like to talk about.

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-No. Right.

-This isn't a local issue. It's not about me.

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This is a symptom of a much wider malaise in this country.

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-Right.

-I mean they've managed to fuck up just about everything else.

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That patch of ground out there is just about the only thing

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that keeps me fucking sane in this world.

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Back at the Olympic Deliverance Commission,

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it's the end of the day, and for Ian there's a first sighting of his new adversary.

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What you've got to imagine is 200 heavy-thighed competitors

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camping around in tights and leather boots with whips.

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God knows how many hundred horses, complete with horse boxes and Christ knows what else,

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trampling the grass into porridge and crapping at will

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and 20,000 pubescent girls from second-rate public schools in Surrey

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with dreadful aspirational mothers arriving every day to watch it all.

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In the meantime, ahead of tomorrow's planning meeting, this is one protest

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that the Olympic authorities aren't going to enjoy sweeping under the...

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Right, well, seems like a reasonable man.

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-Yes.

-Good to see the whites of his eyes anyway.

-Yes.

-Right.

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It's been a long day, but Ian knows he's going to have to go home at some point.

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Nice dog.

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-Yes.

-I like dogs.

-No, the dog's fine.

-I've never had one. They're too much trouble, aren't they?

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-Well, you can have trouble without having a dog.

-Right. Yes, good point.

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OK. Well, you're just here for a bit, are you?

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-Yes, probably.

-Right.

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Yeah, just got a bit to do.

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-Bloody emails.

-Oh! Don't get me started.

-Getting ridiculous.

-It is, ridiculous.

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OK. Well, see you tomorrow then.

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Yes. Bye. Not a problem.

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It's Tuesday morning, and as Ian arrives for work,

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there's good news and bad news in the horse manure department.

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Hi. It's me, obviously. I don't want to talk, in case you're wondering.

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Probably not. I left my keys in the house last night. So I can't get in.

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The pavement outside the Olympic Deliverance Commission is clear,

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but yesterday evening, Tony Ward's campaign of protest became more personal

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when the latest special delivery was deposited outside Ian's own front door.

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..A vague smell of horse shit following me around and I've tracked it down to my trousers.

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So I need to get some fresh clothes and stuff. OK?

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Right. I'm going to turn my mobile off so you can leave a message.

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Or email me or something. OK? Right.

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I suppose it's partly my fault. It all got a bit out of shape for a while last night.

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-I won't go into detail.

-No, OK.

-OK, she'd had a bit of a shock.

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No-one likes to arrive home to find some guys from the antiterrorist unit

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pushing a big pile of shit around on your doorstep.

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-No. What were they doing there?

-They were making it safe, apparently.

-Right.

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So that's all good. Plus, Eileen from next door got into a state about it.

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-Because of...

-It was her daughter's birthday and she thought they'd bought her a pony.

-Oh, right.

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But my strategic error was, I went out about midnight, just you know...

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-Yes.

-And I left my keys behind.

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In retrospect that was a very basic error.

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So how did you get back in?

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-That's what I'm saying. I had to spend last night in the car.

-God, that's...

-So yeah.

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-I mean, it's a Volvo...

-Oh, well, at least...

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But how can I put this? It's an enclosed space in which to discover

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you've managed to get horse shit on your trousers somehow.

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Ian's wife Laura is a busy lawyer in her own right.

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We asked her to take part in this programme, but she was clear that she didn't want

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any of her personal details to be identified either psychologically or legally.

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Meanwhile, back at the ODC, other members of the Deliverance Team

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are working hard to prepare for the Greenwich Park decision.

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It's on a very large scale, so...

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it's the entire park, OK?

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We've got every single tree individually marked out,

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so we know exactly where they are.

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-Well, that's good. But we already know where the trees are.

-Yes.

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You can go and look where they are, it's not a secret.

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Yes, OK, but still.

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'Head of Sustainability, Kay Hope, is in a meeting with Nigel Fox

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'from the London Wildlife Stag Beetle Outreach Project.'

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The issue is, stags don't live in trees,

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they live in stumps.

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-Right, yes.

-So how many stumps have you got marked on there, then?

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OK. Right. Excuse me...

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'Kay's hope is that she can convince him of the ODC's commitment

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'to the preservation of the park's delicate ecosystem.'

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It's a globally threatened species, protected under the Wildlife And Countryside Act,

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listed as a priority for the UK And London Biodiversity Action Plan...

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When it comes down to it, it means bugger-all.

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-OK, so here's one. Here's a stump.

-Right.

-There's another one here...

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and here.

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Yeah. Those are wastepaper bins.

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And they will stay exactly where they are,

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we're absolutely committed to that.

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OK, fine. So I'd need to be there by 7.30?

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OK.

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Well, that would be great if you could. Yes, thanks.

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And it'll be live?

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Sure. No, that's fine.

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No, that's all good. OK.

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So I guess...

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'Meanwhile, as media interest in the Greenwich Park protest grows,

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'Ian has had a call from the BBC

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'inviting him to take part in a discussion with Tony Ward

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'on tomorrow morning's Radio Four Today Programme.'

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OK, great. Well, fantastic.

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See you tomorrow.

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Bye.

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-Wow!

-I don't know if you actually like kiwi fruit.

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-Yes, I do.

-It's full of vitamin C.

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Yes.

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I mean, this is fantastic.

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It's not a problem.

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'I've seen those proposals.'

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The reason why there's no stumps on your plans is - nobody's talking about this -

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-but those proposals involve quietly removing five of the seven remaining tree stumps in the park.

-Five?

-Yes.

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To make it look better on TV, obviously...

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'Meanwhile, Kay and Nigel Fox are getting down to the nitty-gritty.'

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In numerical terms, five is a very high number.

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-It's been a very unpleasant battle to preserve those seven.

-I'm on your side, Nigel.

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-It's been bloody.

-I am fighting the same battles in this organisation every day.

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-OK, it's only a beetle, but it gets to you in the end.

-It's more than a beetle, isn't it?

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-It always is, that's the thing about sustainability.

-It's all very well these T-shirt animals...

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The bloody hedgehog. Well, fine.

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-But somebody's got to stand up.

-Yes.

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-You spend two to three years inside the same damp tree stump even before you become a pupa.

-Yes.

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-You spend another whole winter in there, inside the pupal case.

-Right.

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Then, just when your brief time is coming, just when it's beginning to get warm,

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some JCB comes along and flattens the whole bloody lot.

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I'm going to do something about this.

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"..It's unfortunate if there is the odd isolated individual

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"who may not have come on that journey with us."

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What the fuck does that mean?

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'Meanwhile, over in Greenwich,

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'Tony Ward has already started making preparations

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'for tomorrow morning's radio debate.'

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This salad dressing

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is the only thing my third wife did for me.

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Really?

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Olive oil, white wine vinegar,

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tablespoon of Dijon, tablespoon of honey.

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Seven years of fucking marriage for that.

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Right. Good. So how are you going to prepare for the debate tomorrow?

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It's not even as if I like salad that much.

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-But my doctor's some kind of fucking Nazi.

-Right.

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-So how...

-You go in and they've got their finger up your fucking bum. They love all that.

-Good.

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-So how are you going to prepare for tomorrow's debate?

-Right, OK.

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Let me tell you tell something.

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Um, right... Um...

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When I was shooting Intravenous,

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people used to bleat on about fucking storyboarding

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and narrative beats.

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-Well, fuck that.

-Right.

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Oliver and I used to turn up each morning, look at each other,

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have a fucking great argument which he'd normally win,

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and then we'd do it my way anyway.

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And that's the way it was.

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-That's what you see on the screen.

-Right.

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You meet life in the moment,

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not before it, not after it.

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-Right, yes.

-Cheers, mate.

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So yes, it's me. I left you a message earlier.

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It's half-past six.

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My trousers are stinking, I need a shower.

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I need to get into the house, OK?

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So...give me a call. OK?

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OK, guys. We've got a situation, unless we control it we're out of control.

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'Back at the ODC,

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'it's been a full day already.

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'But at the end of the afternoon, Head of Brand, Siobhan Sharpe, has arrived,

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'confident that she can make it even fuller.

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'Her idea is that she should chair a workshop

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'in which members of the Deliverance Team

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'prepare Ian fully for tomorrow morning's live radio debate.

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'First up, is Head of Infrastructure, Graham Hitchens.'

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-What are the issues, from your perspective?

-From my perspective, OK,

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-is there a funny smell in here or is that just me?

-I thought that.

-Did you?

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I didn't want to say anything...

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OK, guys, we are at 13 hours and counting, and we're counting down.

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OK. Well, in terms of infrastructure,

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one thing they're going to say is

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there is no way that you're going to get up to 75,000 people

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in and out of that park over a two-week period,

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not with the public transport network as it is. No way, OK?

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-They're going to say that's going to be a total disaster.

-Sure.

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OK? They're going to say...

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Oh, I don't know... They're going to say

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it's going to be a war zone in there, you know.

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Hundreds of horses breaking loose and trampling women and children to death...

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-Thanks, Graham. I think I've got the picture.

-That's the first thing they'll say.

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-OK. Ian.

-OK.

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Well, the park already has excellent transport connections with the DLR to Greenwich,

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the overground links to Blackheath,

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and the Thames River Service to Greenwich Pier.

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We've worked very closely with local community groups to devise our Coordinated Movement Plan

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which involves the temporary removal of the gates at the Vista Park entrance

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and dedicated one-way entrance and exit points at St Mary's Gate

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and Circus Gate respectively.

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-OK. Graham?

-Yeah, what?

-Are we good with that?

-Yeah, that's fine.

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The other thing they're going to go on about is toiletage.

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-Whoa.

-They are obsessed with that.

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OK, we've got a schedule here.

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-I'm just saying...

-Sorry to bother you.

-No, it's OK.

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OK, guys. Time out. Back in five.

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That's me missing Britain's Got Talent. Thank you.

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-I wrote it down.

-Did you speak to her?

-No, I just listened.

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'Whilst the meeting has been in progress, there's finally been a message from Ian's wife.'

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-She doesn't care where your keys are.

-Right.

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'Unsettled by the events of last night,

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'she's gone to stay at a friend's house.'

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..basically, can't bear to be anywhere near you.

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-That's all she said.

-Yeah, that's all.

-Right, OK.

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-I mean, I didn't write down the other things.

-Right.

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-Um, Sally...

-Yes.

-Could I just...

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The thing is, I don't think I can really go on the Today Programme smelling of horse shit.

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I need you to get me some new trousers.

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I don't know, but I think Selfridges sometimes stays open till ten.

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Yes, it does. Not a problem, I checked.

0:15:510:15:53

-I wouldn't normally ask you to do this...

-No, that's fine, not a problem. It's fine.

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-So, it's Hugo Boss.

-Yes.

-38-inch waist.

-Yes, 38, yes.

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I tell you what, why don't you just take the jacket,

0:16:000:16:03

then just ask them to get the trousers that go with that.

0:16:030:16:06

Yes, of course.

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-Here's my credit card. I'll give you my PIN number.

-Yes, absolutely.

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But if they want my inside leg measurement,

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-I'm afraid you'll just have to use your imagination.

-Yes, no, not a problem. Not a problem.

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-So, for instance, we've done a survey of every single tree in the park.

-That sounds good.

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It's fine, it's all fine.

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Except, the thing is, the stag beetle doesn't actually live in trees, it lives in tree stumps.

0:16:310:16:35

-It's like being on Springwatch.

-It feeds on dead wood.

-I think I know how it feels.

0:16:350:16:39

-I'll have that.

-This is actually pretty serious.

-No wonder Bill Oddie's a manic depressive.

0:16:390:16:44

'Siobhan has decided that Ian and his team are happy to work late into the night if necessary.'

0:16:440:16:49

From my perspective, from a Sustainability point of view, we're really exposed here.

0:16:490:16:53

-I totally get that.

-No, you're absolutely right about this, Kay.

0:16:530:16:56

-From a Legacy point of view, we're definitely vulnerable.

-Legacy?

0:16:560:17:00

We go in there, we spend £34 million putting everything in,

0:17:000:17:03

-then we just take it all away again.

-OK.

-There is no legacy.

0:17:030:17:05

-Legacy and Sustainability are not the same. They're totally different words.

-Yes, I'm sorry.

0:17:050:17:10

-Totally different.

-It's late and I just... I know they are.

0:17:100:17:13

Sustainability is obviously the issue here.

0:17:130:17:15

Nobody's thought about it, as usual. I really think the stag beetle

0:17:150:17:19

-is offering us an opportunity to redeem ourselves.

-OK, where are we with this?

0:17:190:17:22

-We want to remove half the existing tree stumps in the park?

-It's more than that.

0:17:220:17:26

-It's five out of seven so it's, that's, it's...

-That's...

-It's seven tenths...

0:17:260:17:30

-OK, guys...

-71.4%.

-Exactly. Right. It's a criminal act.

-OK. Thank you, Graham.

0:17:300:17:36

You've got your keyboard, a touchscreen - best of both worlds.

0:17:360:17:39

-OK. we've got an issue here and we've got to nail it.

-Looking at this,

0:17:390:17:43

-it's quite hard to see what's what.

-You're telling me! I can't make head nor tail of it.

0:17:430:17:47

-Nobody's thought it through.

-What are the round things?

-I'm hoping they're pepperoni, I've had three.

0:17:470:17:52

-There are some trees we may have to lose.

-OK. How many?

-I don't know. Ten or something.

0:17:520:17:57

-Not the listed ones, obviously.

-OK.

0:17:570:17:59

That's bad enough, but at least we'll be replanting.

0:17:590:18:01

-But you can't replant a stump.

-But if...

-It's absolutely typical. Welcome to my world.

0:18:010:18:05

-So let's say we're cutting down ten existing trees. Why can't that be ten new tree stumps?

-What?

0:18:050:18:10

-Holy shit.

-Unless I've misunderstood something.

-Uh, well...

0:18:100:18:14

-In terms of Sustainability...

-Jesus.

-..our legacy, our...

0:18:140:18:17

You know, the thing will be that, in fact, after the Games

0:18:170:18:21

-there'll be more tree stumps in the park than there are now.

-Yay! Go Beetle!

0:18:210:18:25

-I mean, that's all very well.

-Yeah, that's a 58.3% increase.

0:18:250:18:29

-That is sensational!

-You've got GPS on here, obviously.

0:18:290:18:32

-Have you got a fast-forward on that thing?

-OK.

0:18:320:18:35

It's half-past ten. I think we've probably...

0:18:350:18:37

-I know exactly what'll happen. I know already.

-OK, guys. Good job. I think we're done.

0:18:370:18:41

The Legacy lot will get their hands on this. You just wait.

0:18:410:18:44

Yeah, great.

0:18:440:18:45

Can I have your dough balls?

0:18:450:18:47

'Sorry, I couldn't get down to Dad's at the weekend...'

0:18:480:18:51

'By the time the meeting's over it's nearly eleven o'clock,

0:18:510:18:54

'but Ian has still found time to phone his sister.'

0:18:540:18:57

It's a bit late to call out of the blue. In fact, you're probably in bed already.

0:18:570:19:01

But is there any chance of me crashing at your place tonight?

0:19:010:19:04

Perhaps you could just let me know either way? Mind you, if you're asleep...

0:19:040:19:08

-Sally.

-Oh, hi.

-You're still here.

0:19:130:19:15

-Yeah, I had a bit of catching up to do. Some spreadsheet-ing, anyway.

-You got the stuff!

0:19:150:19:20

-Yeah, I just put it over there.

-Oh, that's great, that's perfect.

0:19:200:19:23

-Brilliant, Sally.

-Not a problem. I had them taken up.

0:19:230:19:26

They said they couldn't do it cos they were closing,

0:19:260:19:29

-but I pointed out they had a sign up saying "Free Alteration Service."

-Right.

0:19:290:19:32

-I think they just wanted to go home.

-What's this? A tie?

-Yes.

-That's, really...

0:19:320:19:36

-You don't have to wear it, I just thought...

-No, no, no, it's great. And...a razor.

0:19:360:19:41

-You can take it back. Or I can take it back if it's easier.

-Oh, no, no.

0:19:410:19:44

Aftershave balm with soothing aloe vera and healing tea tree oil.

0:19:440:19:48

-I don't know if you like tea tree oil.

-This is too much.

-A lot of people don't.

-What's this?

0:19:480:19:52

It's fine, I can just take it all back. It's not a problem.

0:19:520:19:55

This computer is so slow...

0:19:550:19:58

Socks?

0:19:580:20:00

It's annoying, actually. They keep saying they're going to replace it, but they haven't.

0:20:000:20:04

This is the wrong entrance? There's a wrong entrance and a right entrance?

0:20:060:20:10

'It's the next morning, and Tony Ward's arrival at the BBC

0:20:100:20:13

'has got off to a false start.'

0:20:130:20:15

Typical fucking BBC. Perfectly good fucking entrance where everybody used to come in and out.

0:20:150:20:19

-Then they build another fucking entrance 300 yards up the fucking road. Bunch of

-BLEEP.

0:20:190:20:24

-Are you feeling confident?

-This is the wrong way, isn't it?

-Uh...

0:20:240:20:27

-We're going towards the fucking car park.

-Right.

-Fucking hell.

-Right.

0:20:270:20:31

..Looking at your face, they're also going to be looking at you...

0:20:340:20:38

'Meanwhile, Siobhan has made sure that Ian,

0:20:380:20:40

'who is feeling much better-rested this morning, is there early.'

0:20:400:20:43

Another thing is, it takes 37 muscles to frown, right?

0:20:430:20:47

Yeah, this is radio, Siobhan.

0:20:470:20:49

OK, but here's the thing about radio. Radio's a totally visual medium.

0:20:490:20:52

-Yes, I know that.

-Why do you think they got webcams in there?

-What?

0:20:520:20:56

-And the loos are just back here, round to the left if you need them. OK. So, here we are.

-Right.

0:20:570:21:02

-I don't know whether you two have actually met?

-No, we haven't.

-Hi.

0:21:060:21:09

Yeah, that's enough.

0:21:090:21:10

'Meanwhile, Tony Ward has finally made it into the building.'

0:21:100:21:14

-Can I get you a coffee?

-Yeah, sure.

0:21:140:21:16

I'll have a latte with as much caffeine as you can physically ram into it.

0:21:160:21:20

-We've just got coffee, I'm afraid.

-OK, forget it.

0:21:200:21:23

Or, I don't know... We've tea, or maybe...

0:21:230:21:25

Yeah, actually, fuck it. Just bring me some coffee, love, OK? Fuck it.

0:21:250:21:28

Coffee, right.

0:21:280:21:30

The running order's changing all the time, so I'll see what the latest is.

0:21:300:21:34

-Yeah, do that.

-Thanks.

0:21:340:21:36

Right.

0:21:360:21:38

Yesssss.

0:22:020:22:04

'Owing to a devastating mudslide in Taiwan, following weeks of heavy rain,

0:22:040:22:09

'Ian and Tony's slot has been put back in the running order.

0:22:090:22:12

'All they can do now is wait.'

0:22:120:22:15

'I've got nothing to say to him.'

0:22:150:22:17

-Everything I'm going to say, I'm going to say on air.

-Right.

0:22:170:22:20

-Him and his bit of media skirt.

-Do you know what you're going to say?

0:22:200:22:23

-They're in for a surprise.

-Right.

-I'm going to be Mr Reasonable.

0:22:230:22:27

-Well, that probably will be...

-Can you take this? I don't want it.

-OK.

0:22:270:22:30

-It's unspeakable.

-Right.

0:22:300:22:33

I'm going to be calm, I'm going to be polite,

0:22:330:22:36

I'm going to be rational.

0:22:360:22:38

And I'm just going to let the guy reveal himself

0:22:380:22:40

-as the useless

-BLEEP

-that he is.

0:22:400:22:42

Right.

0:22:420:22:44

No, I'm feeling pretty good.

0:22:470:22:48

It's surprising what not smelling of horse shit does for your confidence.

0:22:480:22:52

I think the longer the wait,

0:22:520:22:54

the greater the chances of him just overheating and blowing a circuit.

0:22:540:22:58

The other good thing is that Siobhan thinks I'm still in the toilet. It's all looking very good.

0:22:580:23:03

-OK, so here's the situation. Sorry to have kept you waiting.

-No, not at all.

0:23:050:23:09

The running order's gone because of the mudslide.

0:23:090:23:12

But we're trying to get you in, since you're here.

0:23:120:23:14

-You'll be the last item, running up to nine o'clock and you won't have long, I'm afraid.

-OK.

-Ah, fuck.

0:23:140:23:19

I'll take you through now, but it might be worth thinking of one or two key things...

0:23:190:23:23

-(Stag beetle.)

-What?

0:23:230:23:24

-One or two key points to make...

-(Stag Beetle.)

0:23:240:23:27

-Thank you, Siobhan.

-OK, if you want to follow me.

-Cool.

0:23:270:23:30

-It'll just be the two of them in the studio, I'm afraid.

-OK. I'm sure that could work.

0:23:300:23:34

I'm cool with that.

0:23:340:23:35

'Finally, after all the build-up and preparation, the moment has arrived.'

0:23:390:23:43

..All over the papers, ahead of that planning decision.

0:23:430:23:45

We're joined by Tony Ward, who's the man responsible for the protest,

0:23:450:23:49

and by Ian Fletcher, who's Head of Deliverance at the ODC.

0:23:490:23:52

Now, we're going to have to keep this brief, gentlemen, I'm afraid.

0:23:520:23:56

Tony Ward, what exactly do you hope to achieve in this campaign?

0:23:560:23:59

Good morning, James. These people are a bunch of chinless Stalinists. That's no controversy...

0:23:590:24:04

We'll have to put that straight to Ian Fletcher. Chinless Stalinist?

0:24:040:24:08

-Well, I think...

-Very briefly, I'm afraid.

0:24:080:24:10

Yes, obviously, I'm very sorry that Tony feels that way.

0:24:100:24:13

All right, gentlemen, we'll have to leave it there.

0:24:130:24:16

We will return to this again before 2012.

0:24:160:24:18

Our editors today were Ollie Stone-Lee and Alexis Condon.

0:24:180:24:21

-From all of us, good morning.

-Good morning...

0:24:210:24:23

OFF-AIR SIGNAL BEEPS

0:24:230:24:25

Waste of fucking time. Typical Radio Four. It's all plays about women having problems with refrigerators.

0:24:290:24:34

'Despite all his experience in the film world,

0:24:340:24:37

'Tony has been genuinely surprised by the speed at which live radio can sometimes move.'

0:24:370:24:42

'Meanwhile, by the time Ian has got back to the Olympic Deliverance Commission,

0:24:470:24:51

'there's a surprise waiting for him.'

0:24:510:24:53

-Morning.

-Oh, hi.

-So, did you hear it?

0:24:530:24:56

Yeah. Yeah, I did, yeah. I heard it.

0:24:560:24:58

Right. So what did you think?

0:24:580:25:00

-There's someone here to see you.

-What?

0:25:000:25:02

Jesus. Right. OK.

0:25:020:25:04

-Fuck.

-I offered her tea.

-Uh...

-But she said she didn't want anything - or coffee.

0:25:040:25:08

-So I just gave her some water, really.

-Right, OK.

-And then she went in there.

-Right, God.

0:25:080:25:13

-Well, she's coming out.

-Shall I?

0:25:130:25:15

'His wife, Laura, has decided to drop by.'

0:25:150:25:17

-No, you stay right where you are.

-OK.

-Hi.

0:25:170:25:19

-First of all, as you know, I am a lawyer.

-Yes, hello.

0:25:190:25:21

I have not given my consent to be filmed,

0:25:210:25:23

-so if I appear in this. I will sue you personally, and I will win.

-Right.

-Laura!

0:25:230:25:27

I mean, at least that's all pretty, uh...

0:25:270:25:30

-Would you like a...

-You stay exactly where you are.

-Not a problem.

-Laura...

0:25:300:25:34

-So we're turning that off, OK?

-Uh, well, shall we...

0:25:340:25:36

I think legally you can't...

0:25:360:25:39

-Where was I? You locked me out.

-Where did you get that tie from?

0:25:410:25:44

-What, this?

-You haven't got a tie like that.

-Laura, let's just go somewhere and talk.

0:25:440:25:48

We ARE somewhere, I AM talking.

0:25:480:25:50

-Uh, shall I?

-No, leave that.

0:25:500:25:52

-I just thought...

-Don't think, just leave it!

-Not a problem.

0:25:520:25:55

-This is between you and me. I'm not having you talk to Sally like that.

-No, really...

-I'm not having it.

0:25:550:25:59

-But really...

-Sally, please, shut up.

-OK.

0:25:590:26:01

-Where did you spend last night?

-I don't see why I should answer that.

-Were you with her?

0:26:010:26:06

-This is pointless and embarrassing.

-I take your failure to answer as a yes.

0:26:060:26:09

-If that's what you think happened, fine, good.

-Actually can I...

0:26:090:26:13

-Sally, please, stay out of this.

-It's not a problem, I'd like to say something.

-No!

0:26:130:26:16

-What are you doing with that?

-Oh, nothing.

-Is it still on?

-No.

0:26:160:26:20

-I sit here every day.

-Sally!

-There's still a light on.

-That's just the...

-It's still on!

-It just does that.

0:26:200:26:25

-I sit and never say much.

-Please!

-It's not a problem, but all my life...

0:26:250:26:28

# There may be trouble ahead

0:26:370:26:42

# But while there's moonlight and music

0:26:420:26:45

# And love and romance

0:26:450:26:49

# Let's face the music and dance

0:26:490:26:54

# There may be teardrops to shed

0:26:540:26:58

# So while there's moonlight and music

0:26:580:27:01

# And love and romance

0:27:010:27:04

# Let's face the music and dance

0:27:040:27:11

# Let's face the music

0:27:110:27:15

# And dance. #

0:27:150:27:18

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0:27:180:27:20

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