Loose Ends Twenty Twelve

This programme contains strong language

What a marvellous finish! And Seb Coe gets the gold medal!

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Let's face the music and dance. #

Yes. No, yeah. No, I understand that.

Yes, no, I still understand it.

It's July, and as Head of Deliverance Ian Fletcher arrives

for another week at the Olympic Deliverance Commission,

there are now just 18 days to go until the opening ceremony.

Yes, no, look, what I'm trying to establish here is,

I've got one person telling me

we've got 500 million quid left in the contingency budget,

and I've got you telling me we've basically spent that on fireworks.

You know, it's confusing, that's all. What would be nice is...

Ahh! Fuck! No I'm fine.

It would just be nice to know

whether we can actually afford a last-minute disaster or not, that's all. Yeah. Oh, good.

OK, good. So...here we go.

I guess if this is a marathon we've been on,

we are now finally coming into the stadium for one last lap.

-Absolutely yes.

-That's great

cos we should be coming up the Mall, which is where it actually ends.

-Well...

-Yeah classic!

-Does it?

-Yes.

Still, if we're in the stadium we might as well go round it, I suppose.

Exactly, yes. So, that's all good.

Although the Games themselves are just weeks away,

the team's own deadline is even sooner.

In just ten days' time,

the Deliverance Team is due to hand over to the Live Team,

at which point their job is done.

If there are any loose ends going forward, er,

apart from the ones we know about, of course, now would be a good time...

-Oh, what, you mean like ticketing?

-KNOCK ON DOOR

Er, sorry...

-Sally, hi.

-Yes, um, sorry,

I did actually find some better plasters.

-Oh, um...

-I didn't know whether...

-You know, I think I'll stick with these for the moment.

-Sure, OK.

-I don't know,

I seem to have got used to them.

I'll just put these on your desk, just in case.

-Thanks, Sally. That's great.

-Yes.

-OK, good.

OK, I'll give you a loose end for a kick off.

-The opening ceremony.

-Right, yes. I've had a go at them this morning.

Isles Of Wonder, fine, I've no problem with that, whatever it means,

-but 80 million quid? Give over!

-Well...

Plus these guys that he's got doing the music, Underwired.

-Underworld.

-Whatever. I've looked 'em up on YouTube.

Basically, they're just two guys in their bedroom, that's all.

-Let's...

-It's classic.

But Graham, this stuff about the fireworks

automatically triggering the ground-to-air missile.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-That does sound like something...

Basically, what it is...

In the last few weeks, a growing conflict of interests

between the creative team behind the opening ceremony

and the Ministry of Defence has become potentially explosive.

...if you fly even a pigeon anywhere near the stadium that night

and these buggers are going to go off and you've got, basically, World War III.

-Right.

-Meanwhile, Danny Boyle, he's like,

he's not backing down cos these two guys in their bedroom

have written fireworks into the opening track, so basically it's like a Mexican faceoff.

-Mexican faceoff?

-Or whatever.

-I mean, this is going to sound a bit...

-Well, yes, I mean...

-I haven't said it yet, OK?

-OK.

-Maybe the solution's in the problem.

-Well, I like the sound of that.

KAY: Well, no, I mean, I'm sorry...

Is it just worth thinking about whether it's actually possible

to make ground-to-air missiles part of the display in some way?

Hellfire!

-I mean, I think that might need a bit of thinking through.

-You think?

-Yes, I do.

-Right.

-I mean, Graham, are you happy to take this whole thing on?

-What, this Friday?

-I haven't mentioned a timeframe,

-but that would be good, yes.

-Yeah, no, that's fine.

With all the cuts and whathaveyou, why not just use fireworks for our

-national defence and have done with it?

-Well, I suppose that's...

-That way, everybody wins.

-Happy days!

It's ten o'clock

and for Ian almost time for this morning's ten o'clock meeting.

Vicky, hi.

So, Vicky, er, this is Ian Fletcher.

-He's, like, Head of Serious Shit.

-Wow!

Head of Brand, Siobhan Sharpe, from PR company Perfect Curve,

has arrived, along with Vicky Long,

Artistic Director of the Podium Twenty Twelve Festival,

a nationwide celebration of the arts,

designed to run alongside the Olympic Games.

And the really cool thing is, it's an opportunity for us

to commission a major new landmark piece to showcase the vibrancy

-and sheer depth of Britain's bell-ringing talent.

-Mm.

-Cool!

-But there are 18 days to go.

I know. Such a brilliant idea.

Podium has come up with the idea of commissioning a specially

composed peal of bells, to be rung in churches

across the country on the morning of July the 27th.

...but the thing is, this absolutely has got to happen now.

No, it is disappointing the response we've had.

How many entries is it...?

-Er, I think it's two, basically.

-Right, yes.

-Bummer!

-Yeah, it's such a great idea.

Yes, OK, right. I mean, let's just look at what we can do practically

-in the time that we've got left.

-Oh, yes, OK.

Luckily, this is where Siobhan comes into her own, isn't it?

-You know it.

-Right.

-Yes.

OK,

so Vicky, um, here's the thing with this.

Um, OK, the thing with stuff like this is...

OK, so I'm you.

-OK.

-OK, so what have I got here?

I've got churches and I've got bells, OK, so that's a bum hand I got dealt right off the bat.

No, but church bells is what...

No, I'm you now. You don't need to say stuff.

-Oh, OK.

-OK, so what I do here is I repurpose this whole thing.

-Repurpose it?

-Yeah, I'm trying to sell,

like, a bunch of losers standing around with, like, ropes.

I mean, nobody's going to buy that.

When what I could have is, er... What I could have is, er,

Paul McCartney, or, I don't know, Sting.

-Wow! That's a bit like...

-No, I'm still you.

-Yes, sorry.

-OK, so what I've got is,

-I've got a competition.

-OK.

-A competition with judges.

-Right.

-I've got judges, I've got celebrities.

-Right. Wow!

And all of a sudden, I'm somebody.

-That's, like, wow.

-I don't even need to say the rest.

-Yes, but Siobhan...

-Sure.

Just to be clear, I'm talking to you as you.

-Cool.

-You're saying to Vicky

you can get Paul McCartney or Sting to agree to do this,

at some point in the next two weeks?

Sting's a pussy. You just need to buy into him.

Buy into him?

Do-do doo-doo, dah-dah dah dah, yeah.

-Right, OK.

-That'd be so cool.

Um, cos the thing about this is, it's, like, it's such a great idea.

Yeah.

With so many loose ends still to be tied up, opportunities

to grab a breath of fresh air are becoming rarer than ever.

-Hi.

-Yeah, hi.

So, I hear they're having the Olympics this year.

Yeah, I just wanted to...

-Can I ask you something?

-Oh, yes?

Did you tell Kay that I've applied for the Director of Posterity job?

-No, of course not.

-You didn't?

Of course I didn't. I'm surprised you even have to ask me.

-She's applied for it as well, hasn't she?

-Well...

-She has.

Fi, you know I couldn't tell you that even if I knew.

Fucking hell!

'No, it is tricky, it's a very delicate thing, and, I mean,

'it is a big thing, the Posterity job. So, no.

'My guess would be that both Fi and Kay are under the impression

'that I somehow have influence with the committee,

'which I don't and it would be completely unfair of me

'to use it if I did, which I don't.'

Is it the sort of job you'd ever think about applying for yourself?

I'm not really thinking about what's going to happen after all this is over.

We've got handover at the end of next week.

Until then, we've got a very important job to do.

But, I mean, so have you applied for it?

As I say, I'm not thinking about that.

I mean, all the electricity's the same anyway, isn't it,

by the time it comes out the plug, surely.

No, it is not...

As part of her ongoing commitment to future problems,

Head of Sustainability Kay Hope has overseen the installation

of 225 special slow-charge charging points, ethically designed in Denmark,

to power the official 2012 fleet of electric cars

during the period of the Games.

The problem is, now these things are installed,

they take ten hours to charge a car for 50 miles.

Yes, exactly, and that's using about the same amount of electricity

as it takes to boil a small to medium sized egg.

-Right.

-Yes.

-Yeah, well, that's great.

But they've run the figures on that, and basically,

it means that about halfway through the first afternoon,

85% of the cars will be stationary, charging up.

-That's correct, yes.

-And after that, it gets worse.

By midday on the following morning,

they'll all be charging up at the same time.

-No! That's crazy!

-Yes, actually, and that's why

we've installed substantially more charging points than there are cars.

-OK.

-Er, up to 40% more, I think.

-Right.

-Er, yes.

Oh, yes, no, we thought of that it's not difficult.

the problem is, it doesn't matter how ethical your electricity is,

I'm sorry, we've got athletes to ferry about,

we've got half the world's heads of state to shift.

Meanwhile, you've got a 160 brand-new electric cars you can't use any of them.

Do you know what? I'll tell you something it's very easy to be cynical.

Can I just say, I find it really hard to believe that that's happened.

Mind you, we said that about the mascots and they bloody happened.

Oh, fine, yes, it's all very well in Legacy, you know,

Sustainability is not about... It's actually about making

the difficult choices, not the easy ones.

Yeah, no, I accept that, because in Legacy,

it's much more about making the right choices, not the wrong ones.

Right, OK, I think that's me probably done.

Yeah, that's... I mean, me too.

With just eight days to go before handover,

today's the day when the shortlist of candidates

for the Director of Posterity job post Games is published.

And Ian's long-term PA, Sally Owen, has come in at 8.15 in case he needs her to.

But she's not the only one in early this morning.

Ian's exshort-term PA, Daniel Stroud,

now working higher up for Seb Coe, is also already in.

Hiya.

-Oh, hi, yes, hi.

-How's it going?

-Um, yes, it's OK, actually.

-Cool.

-Yes.

-Ian not in yet?

-No, he's not here yet.

-Right. Er...

I came in a bit early, er... I thought you probably might like to know...

Yes, absolutely.

You know the shortlist is out this morning.

Yes, ten o'clock, actually.

Right, but because I get to see stuff... Everything comes through me.

Sometimes it feels like you're running the whole flipping Olympics,

-some of the things you...

-Yes, so you've seen the shortlist?

I have, yes, I have seen it, and, er, I thought I should probably...

Yes, absolutely.

I thought I should give you a heads up. Er, Ian's not on it.

-Oh, right, OK.

-Obviously I'm really sorry.

Yes, no, it's not a problem, it's nothing to do with you.

If it makes it any easier, Kay and Fi aren't on it either.

-Yes.

-Obviously

no-one knows yet, so it's top, top secret, but I thought in this case,

-cos it's Ian, basically.

-Yes.

I thought you might want to be nice to him, just in case.

Yes, that's...that's not a problem. No, thank you.

-Sure. Enjoy.

-Yes.

OK, no, no, we get that, and we're totally good with that.

Yeah, but here's the thing.

I mean he's already into the whole Tantric, whatever.

I mean, he's practically had sex with Salvador Lama, right...

Across town, Siobhan Sharpe

is already busy using all her powers of persuasion on her way to work.

After calling in a favour from Davina McCall's pilates consultant,

she's finally managed to get hold of Sting's wife, Trudie Styler, on the phone.

OK, it's half a day of his time.

I mean, there's only so many things you can do in Tuscany.

I mean, what else is he gonna...?

He can bring his fucking lute, you know. Get over it.

OK, Cokes, where are we at with Engelbert?

-Yeah, cool.

-The Hump!

So, I spoke to his agent on...

With the precise degree of Sting's involvement

in what has now become the Big Bong still uncertain,

Siobhan is keen for an update on the ideas

for other potential celebrity judges that the rest of her creative team

-have been having.

-...and she was like,

Eng doesn't really do the Olympics, cos it's like Eurovision with Lycra.

-Sure.

-I explained to her all about the bells and stuff,

-and then she was like, yes, so he's so in South Africa.

-OK.

-Yeah.

OK, so that's, like, fuck it. Barney?

-Yeah?

-Amanda.

Yeah, with Amanda, what I'm thinking is... This is so cool, OK...

Information Architect Barney Lumsden is keen on the idea of Amanda Holden.

So, like, I get Amanda's actual mobile number from, er...

what's her name, you know, Davina's pilates...

-Samphire.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, Samphire, yeah.

-We love Samphire.

-So I phone her and I'm gonna leave a message,

-but then she picks up.

-OK.

-No way!

-Yeah.

And I'm saying... I say, "Hey, Amanda, how are you?"

And she's like, "Yeah, I'm good. I'm good, yeah."

-And she's so friendly.

-Yeah, no, she is, yeah.

And she's totally cool about me phoning her, she does loads of charity work,

-she loves the Olympics...

-Cool!

-Turns out she runs marathons...

-Getting bored here, Barn!

-Yeah, OK.

-She said no, right?

-Pretty much, yeah.

We're so running out of time here.

Wanna Brazillo?

-Sure.

-Yeah.

What about Karl?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I've got to ask, who was it he came up with?

-Was it Aled Jones?

-Yeah, yeah, it was, yeah.

-Yeah.

-OK.

-The Aled.

-Shall I...?

-No, no, no, no, no, leave him.

-Yeah, OK.

-Cool.

-Yeah, that's, like, don't wanna know.

-Yeah, it's like, what if he says yes?!

-Hi, Sally.

-Oh, hi.

-God! Honestly!

-Yes.

Just when you want to get in early this morning,

you literally run into Kay Hope on your bike.

-Right.

-Wasn't my bloody fault.

She managed to strangle herself with her own rucksack somehow.

-Stopped dead right in front of me.

-Yes.

Next thing I know,

I'm scraping myself off her back wheel.

Course, then the problem is, apart from my bloody trousers,

you're in for a good half hour on ethical bloody electricity.

-Yes, annoying, actually.

-God! Wow, what is it, Christmas?

Oh I...I just thought...

Meanwhile, Ian has finally arrived at the office

after a more than usually complicated journey to work.

But fortunately, Sally has got things prepared for him.

-I think I'll check my emails before I get out of this stuff.

-Right.

So, unless there's any...

I was just going to get you a cappuccino, but I thought I'd wait till you got here.

-Oh, well, that'd be...

-Cos you don't want it cold.

So long as you promise that you're not going to get one specially.

-No, no, not a problem

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-OK. That'll be lovely, Sally. Thanks.

Yes.

CLEARS THROAT

With little more than a week left before the end, it's more important than ever

for Ian to keep on top of anything he needs to know about.

But one of the things he won't need to keep on top of any more

is whether or not he is going to be Director of Posterity post Games.

-Yes, hi.

-Um, yes, so, sorry,

was it, um, skinny you wanted this morning or are you actually...

It's OK, Sally, it's fine.

I mean, it doesn't matter. I can probably pick up...

No, really, it's fine. It's absolutely fine. It's very sweet of you.

I'll probably get both in, so...

-I didn't really want it anyway.

-Oh, right.

-The job, I mean, not the cappuccino.

-Oh, right, yes.

-I didn't really want this job that much.

-No, I agree, actually.

-You know what I'd really like to do when this is all over?

-Er...

-I'd like to just go somewhere and do nothing for a few weeks.

-Yes.

I don't mean anywhere exotic. I'd just like to, I don't know,

rent somewhere in Umbria, you know, some little town

-or quiet village somewhere up a hillside.

-Mm.

Get up late, breakfast in some shaded courtyard, sleep in the afternoon,

wander down to the bar in the old square in the evening,

sit outside with a book and cool bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Yes, Umbria's quite nice, actually.

Cos now it's got personal, right, cos what he's saying is,

if their missiles can't tell the difference

between a Roman candle and a hijacked Airbus

then we're all fucked and might as well all just go home.

Meanwhile it's a different day altogether, and just six days to go till handover.

Yeah, and I've got Danny Boyle's hit man, Kevin Thingie phoning me up.

-Oh, God, not him!

-Yeah, 'im.

So, he's phoning me up every hour just to shout at me,

-Danny's threatening to bloody resign.

-Again?

-Again, yeah.

It's mental, it's a bloody madhouse. Do you want some?

-No, thanks.

-Yeah, it's all right.

It's just these anchovies, they always put these anchovies...

With the opening ceremony itself now only two weeks away,

and the Mexican faceoff between Danny Boyle's team

and the Ministry of Defence still unresolved,

Ian has stepped in to Graham's office for a progress report.

So, they're saying fine, cos if he thinks it's OK

to launch 300 tonnes of high explosives into the sky over London

on opening bloody night

then you just as well have Hermann Goring as Artistic Director.

-Oh, God, this is serious!

-Yeah, it is. And so now

they're only talking to each other through me, basically.

Well, that can't be easy for them, I can see that.

-No, it isn't.

-But how did this happen?

Why haven't I been in the loop before it got to this point?

Yeah, classic! I mean...

And they whack olives on here as well, I didn't bloody ask for them.

-Right.

-Bloody olive mad.

No, it sounds to me like what this probably needs

-is a concentrated charm offensive.

-Yeah, no,

-I tried that already.

-Right, did you?

-Yeah, it's rubbish, didn't work.

-Right.

Maybe if I had a go but, you know, from a slightly different, er...

Yeah, fine.

-You know, a slightly different phone.

-Yeah, whatever.

I mean, of course, what they did in Beijing was, they just cheated.

I mean, half the fireworks were bloody virtual anyway.

Virtual?

Yeah, just do 'em on your laptop, get rid of Danny Boyle altogether.

-That's not actually very helpful.

-Yeah, I know.

I'm probably lightheaded. I mean, there's hardly time to eat.

OK, we're good here?

-Yes, I think so, Siobhan.

-Yes. I mean, wow.

-Bring it on, guys. Line 'em up.

-Yes.

Meanwhile, Siobhan has succeeded

in persuading fully grownup rock legend Aled Jones

to help judge the Big Bong church bell composition prize.

-So, guys, this is Frederick.

-Hello, good afternoon.

Hi, Frederick.

-This is Aled Jones.

-Yes, hello.

-Hi, Fred. Great to meet you.

-Yes.

-This is Vicky, um...

-I'm Vicky Long.

Yeah, Vicky's, like, you know, a creative producer...

-Yes, I'm Artistic Director for Podium.

-Yes.

Hi, this is so exciting.

-Can I just say, I loved The Snow Goose.

-Snow Goose?

Yes, I thought it was excellent.

Right, cos I wasn't actually anything to do with The Snow Goose.

Nevertheless, I thought it was good.

Frederick Moyle has taught music

at the Pilgrim School in Worcester for over 30 years.

During that time,

as well as motivating generations of young musicians to grow up,

he's also been a prolific composer in his own head.

Now, the piece itself is exactly six minutes long,

which, I have to say, I regard as critical.

Oh, that's great, Frederick. That's fantastic.

Here, again, it seems to me...

-Yeah, you wanna put it in the thing, Fred?

-Right, OK.

Are you all right there, Frederick?

Thank you, yes.

It's not quite as easy as it looks, is it?

-Yeah, it just goes in the slot.

-FREDERICK: Exactly, yes, thank you.

I have to say, I prefer the top-loading mechanism on a number of counts.

Yeah, me too Fred. I'm rubbish with technology.

Yes, whereas I'm actually quite good with it.

-Great.

-So...

nice and still, and...

-Yeah, it's play, you wanna...

-Yes, thank you.

-There is, in fact, a slight pause.

-Sure.

PEAL OF BELLS

Meanwhile, despite failing to make the shortlist

for the Director of Posterity job post Games,

both Kay and Fi are staying positive about the future.

So, what do you think you'll do now?

No, it's fine. I'll be out here for a while.

Might go for a walk. Might eat some cake I never do that.

But after the Games, I mean. What will you do?

Yes, no, the same, really.

Might go for a walk, might eat some cake, you know.

Probably go to LA to begin with, just see what happens, see how I feel.

-LA?

-Yeah, this guy I know's got a place in Malibu.

Overlooks the ocean, sun every day. Great.

-Right. What will you do there?

-I don't really know him that well,

but you never know anyone that well to begin with do you? Fuck it.

So, no, I mean, good luck to them, really.

And as for the whole Legacy thing,

I mean, really, honestly I have to say,

do me a favour, what a fucking joke.

-That looks nice.

-Oh, yes.

Sansepolcro is actually quite nice, actually.

-Yes, looks nice, yes.

-Very good for, um, frescoes.

-Oh, right.

-Yeah, and there is actually a bar

in the corner of the square.

-Is there?

-Yes. Um...er, they say it closes at ten,

but they basically said they'll stay open until whenever you want to...

-till you're ready to go.

-Well that's my kind of...

-Hang on, you've spoken to them?

-Yes, and they seem very relaxed, so...

-Right.

-Yeah.

With just six days left until Handover Day,

by which time everything will have to be decided,

even short breaks between the arrival of Big Bong candidates become vital.

With Montone, though it... it is much smaller, obviously.

Yes, obviously.

And it doesn't have the Piero della Francesca.

-No. Well, who cares?

-Yeah.

But really, I mean, I don't want you to spend too much time on this.

No, no, not a problem. Um, the bar in the corner of the square there

is also a little restaurant, actually.

Oh, right, really?

-Yeah, and they seem quite friendly too.

-Really?

-Well...

-Yeah, particularly the wife, actually.

-Right, well...

Well, this is all, you know...

-You make them all sound incredible.

-Oh, well, no.

II didn't really... I just printed them off, really.

-Hey, guys.

-Ah, right, yes.

-Ready for some more fun?

-Yes, absolutely, yes, on my way.

-Cool. Let's ring some bell here.

-Yes, let's do that.

Right, well, here we go again.

-No bloody time.

-Yes.

I mean, I don't know. Which do you think?

-Me?

-Yes, you know, I mean, if it was you.

-Yes, er...

And this is Aled Jones.

-Yeah.

-Hi, Chris. Really good to meet you.

-Yeah. It's Christian.

-Great.

Ian Fletcher, Head of Deliverance.

Meanwhile, the final of the Big Bong entrants has arrived.

Christian Jebb has become thought of as a prizewinning artist

in a number of circles.

On a mission to defy categorisation in the arts,

he became briefly famous

for entering an apple in the 2010 Orange Prize for Women's Fiction,

before it was eventually ruled out at the shortlist stage.

I'm just gonna leave this stuff there. You can each take whatever you want.

-Right, um...

-Cool!

You're not gonna play us something?

No. Just take something, Aled, OK?

-OK.

-Something to ring, bash,

-whatever you feel like doing today.

-Great.

It's already clear that Christian has gone down a different route

in his approach to the idea of the Big Bong.

RATTLING AND JANGLING

-OK, so you've got one minute.

-Oh, right, er...

-I'll stop you when it's over.

-Can I just ask, what does this do?

I dunno. Let's see, shall we?

Right, OK.

If you don't like what you've got, just choose something else.

No, it's not that I don't like it,

-it's just that I don't understand...

-Right, go.

Go.

Go, I've started.

BELL DINGS

RATTLING

HORN HONKS

PANS TING

Christian's piece, Noise Twenty Seven,

involves people all over the country

availing themselves of whatever comes to hand at eight o'clock

on the morning of July the 27th, whether it's a church bell or not,

and hitting it, rattling it or thrashing it

for exactly one minute, in celebration of Olympic values.

Right, stop, stop!

Stop. HONK!

Stop.

Not bad, well done.

-That's it?

-Yeah.

I think I almost had it there for a bit!

It's, er, an antidote to all those insufferable minutes' silences.

a minute's bloody noise.

-Holy shit, that's so cool!

-What can I say, Chris?

It's Christian.

Great.

I mean, the owners are actually Italian, they live in Montone,

-so their English isn't very good.

-Right.

Um, yes, but I did an Italian A-level, actually, so...

-Did you?

-Yeah. I mean...

You kept that quiet!

I wasn't very good. I probably didn't understand it.

There are now just three days to go until Handover Day

and Sally has been working hard to help Ian tie up

as many remaining loose ends as possible

-before it's too late.

-So, yes, you see, the thing is

with a lot of them is, they sleep six or eight or...

Well, yes of, course.

It's actually quite hard to find ones who just, um, just...

-Yes, I bet.

-Yeah.

Yeah, hi, there's a guy here come to talk about fireworks.

-God!

-Do you know anything about that?

Oh, it's Kevin Thingie from Danny Boyle's office, isn't it?

Yes, it is, actually.

With the dispute over the fireworks at the opening ceremony still unresolved,

Danny Boyle's long-term creative fixer,

Kevin Thingie, has suddenly arrived in person and out of nowhere.

-Can I get you anything, Mr...Kevin?

-Yeah.

Tell you what. You haven't got a shovel of any kind, have you?

-Um...

-Must have somewhere, surely.

All the shit you guys produce.

-Yes, um...

-Right, OK, shall we...?

Right, I'll be straight with you.

Life's difficult enough for us as it is without having to tap dance

round a bunch of guys in suits who wouldn't know a creative idea

-if they sat on one.

-Well, exactly.

Yeah, classic.

Well, no, it feels to me as if we probably need to

think about this as an opportunity rather than a problem.

-Yeah, bollocks.

-Right...

Despite how high the stakes are, Ian knows he has no option now

but to keep thinking on his feet until he finds out where it is they've taken him.

I think it would be good to identify strategies

for really starting to drive this thing forward.

Yeah, can I just say,

this has better be good.

-Well, no, exactly.

-Yeah. I think we're all on the same page.

Yes, so our thinking has been very much starting from the position,

-what do we know?

-Yeah, what do we know?

We know you can't have an opening ceremony without fireworks, that's clear.

Also, you can't guarantee security

if you take ground-to-air missile coverage out of the equation.

That's the MoD's position, that's also clear.

That is clear.

So, the first thing to say is, we've got a lot of clarity to work with

-which is obviously a big positive.

-Yeah.

Yeah. Did she say she was bringing that, shovel or...?

So, yes, where we got to eventually with this -

and I have to say this is something that suddenly came right of nowhere,

as you always hope these things are going to somehow

what we came up with eventually with this, after all the...after everything, was...

where we ended up was

with the concept of, er, in essence,

whether this thing couldn't be achieved virtually in some way.

-Virtually?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, that's... Yeah.

-You're joking?

-Well, no, just stay with us, just...

Are you guys really suggesting what I think you're suggesting?

-Yes.

-You bet we are.

-I mean, the audience in the stadium

would end up watching them on the big screen, but if you think about it,

this is fundamentally a global television event, so I think that that's...

-Yeah, I know what it is.

-Yeah, so statistically,

as a proportion of the global audience, it's, like...

well, it's practically infinite decimal.

Yes. I think the main point here,

what we try to bear in mind throughout, is that it puts Danny in control.

Meanwhile, the MoD can set their phasers to gas mark whatever they like,

and the missiles are still going to stay on the ground.

Right. Anyway, that's pretty much where we're currently at

Right, OK. Well, I've sat here. Shall I tell you what that is?

Well, er...

-It's genius.

-Right, well, that's...

-It's fucking genius.

-Well, we quite liked it, didn't we?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, we did, yeah.

Yeah, so basically, that's all good.

OK, so, well...

here we are at the finishing line.

Er, unfortunate in a way there's no-one here to meet us after all,

but, er, there we go, never mind. We made it.

Finally, at last, it's Handover Day.

The hope was that Seb Coe would be here to make a speech,

but he's been called away to a last-minute argument with an animal rights groups

over the use of live sheep in the opening ceremony,

so Ian has decided to hand over himself.

So, in the absence of Seb,

I think it's right that someone should at least say a few words.

-OK, thanks for that, Ian.

-Er, no, sorry, Siobhan.

-I am going to say something for once.

-OK. No, that's fine.

I'm totally cool with that.

-Keep it short.

-Er, yes.

No, so, um, I just want to say, really, on behalf of Seb, if he was here, er...and, er...

Actually, no, sod it, on behalf of me personally,

thank you to every one of you in this room.

I know what this has meant to you.

I know what it's meant to me. Seven years ago none of that was there nothing.

Incredible to think, really, when you look round this room

that we did that, but we did - we did that.

So, yes, it's been a long journey.

We were all different people when we set out,

and who knows what will happen from this point on?

But believe it or not, it's been a privilege to share that journey with you

and it's hard to imagine

not coming through that door every day and seeing you all.

So, er, yes. So, er, well done. And, er, and that's it, really.

So...so that's all good.

GLASSES CLINK

OK. Totally, guys.

Go, Ian.

Go, Deliverance.

-Go, us!

-Go, us!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I mean, obviously there's Florence, or there are daily flights to Pisa.

-Right.

-Um, so quite a few options, but you probably need to make some choices, actually.

-Yes, I know.

-Um, yeah, so with Ryanair...

But for Ian, even though his own Olympic journey may finally be over,

there are other journeys still left to make.

...Cost twice as much as the flight.

'It is difficult. I mean, I'm not stupid, I hope, I'm not unaware.

'Part of me thinks, you know, this has been seven years of my life,

'and now suddenly, you know, you're...you're divorced,

'you're unemployable, apparently.

'I mean, what's the worst that can happen?

'On the other hand, I care about Sally a lot,

'and, er, I really wouldn't want to...

'Cos I suppose the thing is, then what? You know? If...

'Or does that matter? You know, we're both grownups and so on.

'Maybe it's OK. But no, it's very... No, I...I should talk to her, really.

'I mean, I must.'

Um, but the thing about Perugia is, I mean, they say Perugia,

-but it's actually closer to Assisi.

-Right.

Um, so it's an early start, but you're...

you're there by eleven, and by midday you can be having a cappuccino

in the square overlooking the Basilica di San Francesco,

-which would be quite nice, actually.

-Yes.

-So, I think I'd prefer that.

-Right.

No, um, I don't... That's not... I...

-I just...

-Sally.

-Yes?

-With this whole...this whole thing...

-Yeah. No, no, it's not a problem.

-I think...

It's probably... I mean, I didn't... It wasn't...

I mean, it's, um, it's probably just as well.

-Hang on, I haven't said what I was going to say yet.

-Right, er...

# There may be trouble ahead

# But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance

# Let's face the music and dance

# Let's face the music and dance. #