Candle Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

-I met someone. He's really great.

-Oh!

-I can't leave you.

-SHE SIGHS

I've fallen in love with ya.

-I don't want Gaz to come to London - I'm gonna to tell him.

-Oh!

Has Janet told you I know you don't love me and I'm having an affair with Janet?

Urrgh!

Oh!

BABY CRIES

SHE MOUTHS

# Hey, Mr Bartender

# Give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass

# With bubbles in it

# But that doesn't mean I can't

# Handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

GIGGLING

Oh, no.

Don't wanna ruin the romantic mood with the smell of Jonny's ears.

You're a special candle.

Yes, you are, yes, you are, little candle.

Mmm. Mwah.

Eugh.

Oh! An inscription.

Oh, no, my mistake, just a stray pube.

Corinthian's down finally, had to sing him to sleep.

Aw, you're so good with him.

-Iron Maiden?

-Prodigy.

# Smack me bitch up. Smack me bitch up.

# Smack my bitch up. Smack my bitch up. #

THEY LAUGH

Bless him, he's so musically advanced for a child his age.

I heard him singing.

-Really?

-Mmm.

-He must be one of them geniuses.

He's like that composer. The deaf one.

Leppard?

Yeah.

We just have to wait for the babysitter and we can go out.

-I thought we were staying in tonight.

-Why?

Because you said, "Our first night together as a proper couple.

"Ooh, I'm so excited."

You finished that in your head by saying, "I'm excited to be staying in"?

No. I finished it with, "Ooh, I'm so excited to be mainly staying in,

"but nipping to ASDA - we're out of bog roll."

What the hell have I just wiped me arse with?

-I've no idea, shall I check the flannels?

-No, no, it's all right.

-Why, what did you use?

-Nothing. It was a ghost shit.

Eugh, Gaz!

No, it didn't need wiping. Turned round, it was gone.

SHE LAUGHS Like a thief in the night.

The brown pimpernel.

-Aw, Gaz. That's so...horrible.

-So, come on,

we can rob some bog roll from The Archer.

The Archer?

We're going for our first night out as a proper couple to The Archer?

What's the point of that? Unless...

# Near, far

-# Wherever... #

-There's no karaoke.

Oh, then what's the point?

So people can see us.

Why do you want that? They see us all the time.

Not together. Making a statement.

You know, Janet for Gaz, Gaz loves Janet.

Gaz is 100% fit.

Lick Gaz's bollocks.

What kind of statement is that?

That last one was a request.

Gaz, you haven't wiped your arse.

Would you eat in a restaurant next to a sewage works?

Men have to do it all the time.

And frankly, Janet, your steak sometimes is a bit undercooked.

Oh! Fine. We'll go out.

I thought when you said, "Together," you meant staying in,

watching telly, while Corinthian's asleep.

Living the dream there, Janet, don't over-excite yourself.

Euch.

Where do these pubes keep coming from?

They're not ours - they're stout and taste of feta.

It's like kissing a Greek grandmother.

-What time's the babysitter coming?

-She should be here by now.

Who did you get? Rachel?

God, no. Can't stand her. Got no tits whatsoever.

-Corinthian's not used to it.

-The poor thing can't help it.

She's got an eating disorder.

She's a self-harmer. And a bit of a druggie.

Shit, why do I keep employing her? Am I mad?

No, you just think people deserve a second chance.

Mmm.

And she's like three quid an hour, so...

Who did you get then? Ffiona? Ffiona with two Fs.

What you talking about? Two Fs? She's a C cup at most.

No, she spells her name with two Fs.

Fionaf?

-What are you talking about?

-No.

F-F-Fiona.

You can take the piss out of anorexic Rachel,

but I draw the line at stuttering.

I myself suffered for a long time with me speech.

Oh, Gaz, really?

Yup. From the ages of zero to two I barely said a word.

-Knobhead.

-HE CHUCKLES

My first word was antidisestablishmentarianism.

-Was it?

-Hold on. No, plop-plop. That was it.

So, who did you get then? Please don't say my mum.

I hate her seeing me pissed around the baby. She's so judgemental.

No, I got Shirley.

-Who?

-Shirley. You know, Bald Shirley.

Bald Shirley, your ex?

How many bald Shirleys do you know?

Six, since the power station had that leak.

Yeah, then, that one.

-Your frigging ex, Gaz?

-Well, she was hardly me ex.

She was more of a bald woman I shagged for a bet.

I'd heard she'd let you stick it in her ear, so I thought...

I've always wanted to get inside a woman's mind.

No. No! There is absolutely no way your ex is looking after my baby.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Our baby. What were you thinking?

That I could have a night out with my beautiful girlfriend -

show the world how serious we are about each other.

Oh.

No, no. If you don't trust Bald Shirley - single mother of six kids,

girl guide leader, home economics teacher -

to look after Corinthian for a few hours, then, no.

-I'll phone her and cancel.

-Well, fine. Good.

-I will.

-Well, what are you waiting for?

Well... Would you let Donna look after Corinthian?

Well, yeah, course I would.

-I did before she moved to that London.

-Donna's me ex.

No, that's different. I know Donna.

-And I know Bald Shirley.

-OK, fine, but we both know Donna.

Would you let Harriet from the bakery look after him?

Well, that's different.

I don't know this Harriet person.

She doesn't have a description before her name. Who is she to me?

Happy Harriet? Hairy Harriet?

-Horny Harriet?

-Oh.

Halitosis Harriet. She's got a rotten tooth.

Why doesn't she have it out?

-It's her only one. Right there at the front.

-SHE LAUGHS

Good at opening beans if you can't find an opener.

But you'd let her look after Corinthian?

-Yes, yes, OK, I would, Gaz. Happy?

-Not really, no.

But you can see where I'm coming from, right? I mean...

-You know, since Jonny died...

-Oh, for God's sake!

-What?

-Everything you try to get out of and try to avoid talking about.

You just say,

-"Since Jonny died..."

-Oh! I do not!

Yes, you do. "Sorry, officer. Since Jonny died,

"I feel the need to wee outside when I'm pissed.

"Sorry, Louise, since Jonny died, I need to borrow a fiver.

"Sorry, Gaz, since Jonny died, I must use him so I can be a frigging martyr for ever, poor me."

Sorry.

I'm sure you are.

No, I mean...it was out of order. Sorry.

It's just... You know, since Jonny died...

Sorry, Gaz.

It really smarts hearing you accuse me of using Jonny like that.

Oh, I was just being a dick.

Honest to God, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Aww, old Dickhead Gaz.

SHE LAUGHS Is that what they call me?

No. They don't use Old.

What? Gaz is a very common name, we have to distinguish.

What's yours?

Jugs, naturally.

Yeah, I remember me and Jonny coming up with that.

Jonny wanted to go with the name...

-What?

-It doesn't matter.

No, come on, tell me.

What was it? Jaunty Janet? GI Janet? Jap's eye Janet?

No, it was Jonny's Janet.

Shitter.

-This isn't going to go away, is it?

-No, it's not.

Then I agree, shitter.

-SHE SIGHS

-I think we should talk this through.

-We won't have time before Bald Shirley.

-She's not looking after Corinthian!

We're back to this! Whoop-de-bastard-do!

Will you call her and cancel?

-We need to talk.

-Fine.

Fine, I will.

What are you waiting for?

I don't technically have her phone number.

So how did you ask her to babysit?

She was throwing up outside Bargain Booze on Friday - I gave her a lift.

Oh, so she's a drunk too?

She wasn't drunk. She had a projectile stomach bug. From both ends.

I had to give her a carrier bag to sit on in the van.

-Oh, my God.

-The passenger side doesn't exactly smell of roses.

Although you could probably grow roses in what she left on the upholstery.

Gaz, I've sat there!

I told you not to wear a skirt!

Back of your legs looked like you had a really bad spray tan.

Oh! Well, she can't look after a baby.

Not with a bug. Corinthian can catch all sorts at his age.

Ain't it better we get his illnesses out the way now?

So his immune system's strong?

Oh, yes, so instead of taking him for his vaccines,

I'll just send him back to 14th-century London to eat some syphilitic turds?

That's just stupid. Unless you have a time machine.

-Do you have a time machine?

-No, Gaz. If I had,

we wouldn't be having this conversation.

Oh, yeah, cos we'd be in the swinging sixties, not using condoms, and avoiding the war!

-What war?

-You know, the war. Bang, bang.

Oh, yes, the bang-bang one(!) No, Gaz, if I had a time machine,

we wouldn't be here, because Jonny'd still be alive.

You'd be with Donna, me with Jonny, everything normal...

-What?

-Nothing.

No, but...what? Your face has gone all weird.

Have you pulled your fly up on your cock? Shall I get mayonnaise?

Yes, Janet, yes.

I'm that disgusting - I pull my zip up and down

at all times of the day cos I love catching my bell-end in the metal teeth.

I know you do, that's why I'm asking.

No, not this time. Hold the mayo.

-What, then?

-It's just what you said then.

If Jonny wasn't dead, we wouldn't be together.

Well, would we?

Yeah, I reckon so. I don't know! We slept together while he was alive.

Yeah, well, that was a mistake. A really, hornily amazing mistake.

-Shall we do it now?

-No.

Remember the rule! Not while talking about my dead husband.

Look, Janet, listen, listen, right.

I don't like that fact that it makes me glad that he's dead.

You know? Don't you feel the same? Don't you love me?

-Of course I love you. More than anything.

-SHE SIGHS

Then...then... Don't...

Don't you agree, in some small way, you're glad that he's...dead?

No, you twat!

-What?

-How could you ask me that?

How could you ask if I'm glad he's dead?

I'm starting to regret it!

I would give anything for him to be alive.

For him still to be alive for one day, one minute, one second!

-What could you do in a second?

-It's Jonny.

Oh, yeah. SHE SIGHS

Oh, this is pointless discussing.

Cool, let's go out.

I mean, the first few months were the worst.

God!

I mean... Were they?

I used to wake up every morning and forget,

before the whole pile of wank had come crashing down around my ears.

That's similar to what Bald Shirley used to say.

There's no waking up from this. There's no, "It was all a dream."

He's just...gone.

What if Jonny did come back?

-How, exactly?

-How about it was a case of mistaken identity?

Someone stole his passport, he's out there, having lost his memory.

Oh, please.

Could have a secret twin brother - that's who was killed.

-I don't think so.

-He could come back in the shower? Like JR.

Jonathan Ross didn't come back in the shower.

-No, JR from Dallas.

-No...

JR from London.

-All right, what if Jonny...

-Why are you being a total wanker?

Cos I've just realised I'm jealous of a dead man.

-What do you want me to do?

-There's nothing you can do.

Oh, come on. I want this to work.

-It can't, if you're in love with your husband.

-He's dead. I love you.

-And him?

-No...no, Gaz, I was with Jonny for six years.

You can't still be in love for that long.

-Really?

-Really.

-So how long have I got?

-Till when?

Until you fall out of love with me.

Oh, you've got a couple of years left yet.

-A couple of years!

-Well... three.

And then what?

-Then it'll be more like brother and sister.

-Oh, my God.

-Hold on.

-No, Gaz.

Not like the twins in Oh, Brother, Go Arse Now.

So what happens then?

Well, first the sex falls away a bit.

Wh-wh-what exactly falls away?

Cos a prolapsed uterus might just put me off my stroke.

Nothing falls out or off. You just stop having it as much.

How much? Precisely how much?

-I don't know, like...twice a week.

-Twice a week!

Gaz, you didn't think we could keep this level up for ever,

my clitoris would sand off.

That was my ultimate goal.

If it wasn't there, I wouldn't have to give it so much attention.

So, where'd be the fun for me, then?

My happiness would be reward enough.

Look at this grateful smile.

See? Isn't this a face you'd like to use as a chair?

I'd like to stand on it to change light bulbs, yes.

You and Donna were together ages.

Surely you weren't at it like rabbits.

Course we were. Night and day. Till the end...

HE GROANS

Bollocks.

So you were sleeping with us both?

Where's Bald Shirley?

I'll nip to Bargain Booze, see if she's there.

-Sometimes she falls in a skip.

-Gaz.

When you say sleeping together, that's a whole shitload of meaning, isn't it?

Because...

We lived together, so of course we slept together - when we were tired.

Were you sleeping together like rabbits?

Were you dozing like the cast of Skins?

Were you off to dreamy bye-byes like Viagra-soaked dolphins?

Dolphins?

Yes, they're the only animal other than humans to have sex for fun.

Really? Cos I've been to the zoo and them tiny little monkeys

look pretty bloody pleased with themselves.

-You're changing the subject.

-You brought up dolphins!

Hey, do you remember Flipper? Right, do you think he had sex for fun?

You think his relationship with that teenage boy was platonic?

-SHE SIGHS

-Gaz.

-If that's true, that was a sinister show.

Gaz! Were you sleeping with Donna when we got together?

No.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Yes, you were, or yes, you weren't?

Weren't what?

Sleeping together.

When?

-When what?

-Ahh! You're just trying to confuse me!

It's better than admitting I was still banging Donna...

Oooh.

Bollocks.

How dare she sleep with you while I was secretly sleeping with you?

I'll kill her.

Right. Now you know how she felt.

-Fine, I'll kill you.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.

I didn't want to arouse suspicion.

It was hard enough having three showers a day to get the various juices off me thighs.

Three? Me, Donna... Who was the other one for?

That one was just for me.

-Men cannot just live by head alone.

-Mmm.

You really had your cake and ate it, didn't you?

Nearly gave myself lockjaw in the process.

I can't believe you would do this to me!

Well, as I recall, you did it right back to me, Janet.

There wasn't so much of, "Since Jonny died," then, was there?

-"Since Jonny died, I've been so lonely I've seduced my friend's boyfriend."

-How dare you?

"Since Jonny died, I've not shaved my legs much."

-I've always done that!

-Really?

You might want to look at that - it's like sleeping with Abdul.

Makes a change from Bald Shirley, I suppose.

Yeah, when she was naked, she looked like a fat-titted baby.

I'm going to check on Corinthian.

Don't worry about it, he's not got fat tits.

I need to check on my baby!

Because he's all I've got.

Shit bags!

SMASHING

-What was that?

-What?

I heard the sound of earwax hitting plasterboard.

You didn't. Tell me you didn't.

-All right, I didn't.

-You did!

SHE CRIES Well, I was angry. Who hasn't thrown a dog turd at a wall in anger?

This is no dog turd! Don't be disgusting.

It was years of Jonny's waxy build-up.

Well, that's pleasant(!)

-It was for Corinthian's wedding!

-Corinthian's getting married?

One day he will be!

-He'll never have a special candle from his daddy.

-I'll make him one!

My ears are filthy.

It won't be the same.

No, no, honest to God, it will.

Once, I had them syringed, and a cricket fell out.

Sure it wasn't your stupid brain?

Not completely, no.

The one thing I had left of him, and you broke it!

SHE SOBS

Stupid silent cushions.

Stupid silent scary goblin.

DOOR SLAMS

DOOR SLAMS

All right?

Thought you'd gone out.

No.

-Well, I heard the door slam.

-I was showing how pissed off I am.

That's a good idea with a baby sleeping upstairs(!)

Let's all make noises to show how we feel, eh?

Shitty, arse, bollocks!

Shush, Gaz. You'll wake Corinthian.

Why would I care about keeping quiet for YOUR baby, eh?

-Wanky-wanky-wank, twat!

-Language!

You want his first sentence to be wanky-wanky-wank, twat?

To be fair, that'd be a pretty impressive bunch of sounds for a baby.

But no, I don't care what YOUR baby's first words are.

-He's not just my baby.

-No, he's not. He's Jonny's too, isn't he?

I destroyed his only memory of him - a frigging mouldy lump of earwax.

Won't Corinthian be pissed off he didn't have a dead man's bodily fluids at his wedding?

He'd want something of Jonny there.

Everything is of Jonny in here. Look! This photo album! Full of him!

CD rack full of soft rock is his!

This bra!

-That's mine.

-Are you sure?

Oh, no, no, you're right, that's his.

His head!

-You kept his head.

-It was his best bit!

The bit with the kisses.

Everything is frigging Jonny Keogh.

He's haunting us.

If you can't let him go, we can't move on.

He's dead!

-SHE SIGHS

-Oh.

Look, we're just... We're going round in circles.

-SHE SIGHS

-I don't know what to do.

Neither do I.

Do you...

Do you want to split up?

-No, no, I don't want to split up.

-Well, neither do I,

but we don't seem to be able to get past this.

We need to argue like me and Donna used to.

-Do we?

-It worked for us.

Me and Jonny hardly ever rowed.

And look where that got him.

OK, what did you and Donna used to do?

Well, she'd sort of shout at me a bit for being stupid.

I'd be incredibly sexy. In the morning,

it was all forgotten about, and time to change the sheets.

Donna used to piss the bed?

Only when I asked her.

Oh, by the way, golden showers -

don't eat asparagus beforehand.

See, asparagus! Donna was so much posher than me.

Or Berocca.

In the dark, it's like being attacked by laser beams.

OK. Come on, let's try.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT BOTH: OK.

I'll be Donna, you be you, we'll have a big shouty row,

and then, it'll all be fine.

-You go. You go.

-OK.

-SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

I can't believe you, Gaz, how could you do this to me?

You make me sick! I'm off to that London.

How was that?

It was like she was in the room, but you just don't look like her.

-Oh. OK, get me my bag.

-Yup.

I can't believe I trusted you with my best friend!

You vile little arsehole!

I don't have time for this...erm... So you can keep your bloody...erm...

Porn, usually.

Porn...cos I'm going! And you'll never see me ever again!

All right.

It's all right, you can go. Won't stay away for long.

Women can't resist my old sex aura.

When do you start being sexy?

-That was it.

-What, seriously?

Donna used to actually like you doing that?

Maybe I'm a bit rusty.

No, I thought it was a nervous tick. What was with the eyebrow?

Donna did like that,

and if you can't see it, there's something wrong with you.

No, seriously. Donna?

All right, no, it didn't work.

Women are so complicated.

Aw, Gaz.

HE SIGHS

How did you and Jonny make up?

I know you sometimes fell out. I used to have to listen to him in the pub.

Oh, what did he say?

Well, you know... He'd sort of cry a bit.

I'd cuddle him till the tears stopped coming,

and maybe sing to him a little bit.

God, I miss that man.

Hmm. He used to always come back quite horny.

Eugh!

But we did always make up, you're right.

And it always started with food. OK, right...

Stay there.

Oi, if you're changing into that pasty bikini, it's probably gone off.

Bagsy not the gusset.

No, no!

Biscuits! Ta-da!

What am I supposed to do with these?

-Eat them - make you feel better.

-Didn't work for Eamonn Holmes. SHE LAUGHS

Just try it.

Sacrilege!

What?

You must complete the first level before progressing to the second!

Janet, this isn't Tomb Raider.

No, it's... # Da-da-da-da-daaaaa... #

Tin Raider!

You two were such sad twats.

-I bet you're feeling better, though, right?

-No.

Erm... Would milk help?

What part of me would you be milking?

No, a glass of milk.

I don't think I could produce that much!

-Why don't we put Sex And The City on?

-No, I hate that film.

Sex Up The Shitter, on the other hand...

-OK. How about this?

-Oh, this is interesting. Yeah!

-This is useless. We're never going to get past this.

-No, we can!

The path's clear. Come on, carry on!

Oh, my.

CORINTHIAN CRIES

-I should...erm...

-Yeah.

Why don't you go and attend to your baby, eh?

I don't know why you're being so cruel, Gaz.

You're like a dad to Corinthian.

I am his dad.

You might be dead, but you're not buried.

I'm sorry, pal. I have to do it. I have to tell her.

Gaz! Me and Corinthian have been talking.

Janet, me first. Listen...

-I need to tell you something.

-Gaz, let me finish.

He made some very trenchant points and was quite insistent.

What did he say?

Hello, Gaz.

Hello, Corinthian.

I've been talking to Mummy.

And in my opinion...

she was a bit insensitive to you.

She knows how good you are with me,

we have a right good laugh.

Yeah... Remember when I put vodka on your dummy

cos you wouldn't stop whining?

What?

This is a private conversation. Do you mind?

Sorry.

Anyway, as I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted,

I miss my daddy.

Yeah, I miss him too.

But then, I've known you a bit longer, so, you know...

You know what? Eh? Eh?

Come on, then.

Come on, what's up with you?

You do know that was actually me speaking, don't you?

So, go on, what did Corinthian want to tell me?

Well, he was quite dramatic, he used some big words I didn't understand,

but I think I got the gist.

What's a gist?

He said he'd always love J...

He'd always love his daddy.

And he'd like to be able to remember him from time to time,

through people who knew him best - his wife, his best friend.

Demanding little beggar, isn't he, eh?

Very.

He said it was very important to talk about his daddy.

And to keep mementoes,

though he agreed that the candle was frigging disgusting.

You really did marry a tramp there, Janet.

And he said that as he grew older,

he'd come to think of you as his dad.

Prattles on, doesn't he, eh? Is he drunk again?

He'd like you to be his father.

He thinks Jonny was OK, but...

What you trying to say?

Me? I'm not saying anything, this is all Corinthian.

-Excuse me if I paraphrase.

-Go on.

He'd like you to have the rights of a biological father.

He wants you to apply to the courts for parental responsibility.

-This is what I'm...

-He said if you don't say yes, he'll cry.

Like this - I quote -

"Wah!"

Course I will. Course I'll be his dad.

-And we'll be a proper family?

-We'll be a proper family, yeah.

BOTH LAUGH HAPPILY

See?

We found our own way of dealing with an argument, eh?

-We did.

-No...shouting, no sex, or...

..you know, comfort eating, or crying.

We used our child to avoid talking to each other face to face!

We're like a proper couple.

You just said, "Our child."

I did.

Come on, let's just go to bed.

KNOCK AT DOOR

BOTH: Bald Shirley!

Why are you dressed like that?

Is it laundry day?

Off to court - I'm trying to look responsible.

This is really hard for me to say, but you're a terrible mother.

-Oh!

-I'm trying to be the best dad.

By asking men to sit on your lap, and play with your balls?

How are things with Wesley?

Oh, he's funny and considerate and he's got an iPhone!

She needs a cuddle.

I just can't, all right?

This is Wesley, my boyfriend from London.

Sweet, I'll have a bottle of lager.

Oh!

If you're not 100% happy in that London, talk to him.

# Hey, Mr Bartender

# Give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass

# With bubbles in it

# But that doesn't mean I can't

# Handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]