Gazman Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

-If you can't let Jonny go, we can't move on.

-He's dead!

What did Corinthian want to tell me?

He wants you to apply to the courts for parental responsibility.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass With bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't Handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Mirror, mirror on the wall,

I'm fit, so shut your face.

Gaz Wilkinson,

you are charged with having a delicious bottom, how do you plead?

Guilty, obviously.

Then I sentence you to a spanking.

Oi! Get off! Judge Rudy! I'm trying to look respectable, here.

-Are you nervous?

-I'm bricking it.

I haven't been in a courtroom since Keith Chegwin pressed charges.

Well, thankfully no-one's accusing you of posting turds today.

In a few hours you'll have parental responsibility of Corinthian, and we'll be a proper family.

Why do I have some old man in a wig to tell me I can look after a baby?

This isn't Labyrinth.

What if the judge doesn't like me? My prettyness can be intimidating to other men.

Of course he'll like you.

You're a lovely person, and a good dad. And I think I already mentioned your delicious bottom.

-Do you want me to come with you?

-No, I'll be fine.

I can do this. I just need to be the best dad ever.

Why don't you sit down, take your mind off it?

-We could watch a nice film.

-No, I'm not watching Sex And The City again.

If I wanted to watch a drunk 50-year-old woman cry and talk about her twat, I'd go round me mum's.

She is so Samantha. OK, forget the film.

Why don't you let me exfoliate you?

That's a very generous offer, Janet, but I've just washed me cock.

-Why don't you go and see Louise?

-Yeah, perhaps I will call her.

I've hardly seen her since she moved back in with her mum, and I need some girly fun.

You changed your mind about a threesome?

I just need to spend some time with my friend, doing girly things.

Louise'll let me exfoliate her.

You have changed your mind about a threesome!

Save a hole for me, Janet.

Arthur! Be a dear and hold that.

Louise, you've left your baby over there.

She'll be fine, Arthur's looking after her.

You can't leave your baby with an old man.

He'll need his nappy changing before she will.

You can't leave your baby with an old man, you can't leave your baby on a bus.

Where exactly CAN I leave her?

You're her mother, Louise, you should be looking after her.

I'm a single parent, Timothy.

I do deserve a break, you know?

And that baby is completely fatuous, all she does is cry.

I've never known such an attention seeker.

The poor child probably feels neglected.

At the moment, little Louise thinks her mother is an 83-year-old man with an incontinence problem.

She'll be scarred for life if she needs breastfeeding.

I can't be expected to carry her around all the time, my arms ache.

Plus, she doesn't match my outfit.

Louise, darling.

My little babbling Brooks.

This is really hard for me to say, but you are a terrible mother.

Oh, actually that was quite easy. I feel like Jeremy Kyle.

How dare you?!

I'm a wonderful mater and I'll prove it.

Ma Walton, she is not.

Gaz! You look like a Toby jug.

A pint of bitter in there, Sonny-Jim.

Hey, haven't you grown?

I'm a little bloated this morning from my Shreddies, no need to get personal.

Come on, come and sit on my lap and tell me all about it.

I don't know who keeps spreading these viscous rumours,

but I am a happily married man, thank you very much.

Well, maybe just for a minute.

That's better, innit, eh?

A little cuddle with with your daddy.

-Would you like a Werther's Original?

-Yes, yes! A thousand times yes!

Now, suck, don't chew.

I know. Thanks, Gaz.

-You know, a man could get used to this.

-Well, don't get too settled.

I want you to come round the back and play with me balls.

What do you want to play?

Footy, or catch?

What?

I thought...oh.

What exactly is going on here? I am very confused, not to mention a little disappointed.

I've got to go to court this afternoon, so the judge can see I'm fit to be Corinthian's dad.

I'm trying to be the best dad ever.

By asking men to sit on your lap and play with your balls?

Very modern(!)

If it's advise on parenting you needed, you should have come to me.

I'm a father of three myself, remember?

Yeah, I forget you've got kids.

-You seem so...

-Young?

-Gay.

I'm just in touch with my sensitive side, Gaz. Perhaps you should try it.

Well, you'll have to teach me.

The only sensitive thing about me is the tip of me cock.

Hah! I'm so Carrie.

I'm glad you came round, Louise, I've been craving a bit of female company.

I'm not here to fuel your lesbian tendencies, Janet.

I need to borrow some nail varnish.

Great idea! We can paint each other's nails, and have a lovely girly time!

It's not for me, it's for Louise, Louise Brooks.

She doesn't need make-up, Louise. She needs her nappy changing.

I can't! I'm not good with that sort of thing.

KNOCKING

-Arghhh!

-Arghhh!

-Arghhh!

-Arghhh!

BOTH: Arghhh!

You ARE pleased to see me, aren't you?

-Let me in before the neighbours call the police.

-Excuse me...Arghhhh!

-Sorry, I was feeling left out.

-Donna! What are you doing here?

Well, I had a day off, so I thought I'd "touch base".

So, how's life in the big smoke, Donna?

Oh, you would love London, Louise.

Wesley knows all the coolest bars and clubs. I've even seen Dane Bowers.

Aw, never mind.

Well, I'd love to stay and chat, girls, but little Louise needs a make-over.

Donna, I can't believe you're home. I've missed you so much. Why didn't you phone me?!

-Sorry.

-I meant to call, but I've just been so busy.

It's all go, go, go in London.

-How are things going with Wesley?

-Oh, he is amazing, Janet.

He's funny and considerate. And he's got an iPhone.

And London is brilliant.

Moving there was the best decision I've ever made.

It certainly looks exciting on EastEnders.

Lots of fires, and adultery, and angry women with huge earrings.

"No, Roy, you ain't coming round here treatin' me like that, we're family."

They have clubs that stay open past two o'clock in the morning.

And they have hundreds of trains that run under the ground.

And two days ago I saw Judy Finnigan in Clinton Cards!

They've got a Clinton Cards?

Oh, I am so lucky. I've got a great job, a studio apartment in London's trendy Peckham...

..and a wonderful boyfriend.

I'm really proud of you, Donna. You seem really happy.

I am. Really, really happy.

I feel so sorry for you, being stuck here in boring old Runcorn.

Runcorn's not so bad.

We're getting a Lidl.

We've got three supermarkets on my street in that London.

Well, two, since someone petrol-bombed the Spar.

Everything about London is better.

Even the tramps are better.

They drink boxes of wine, instead of bottles.

Listen, Donna, I'm really pleased you've moved on,

but there's no need to come back here and insult my home.

Runcorn's a shithole, Janet.

-Even YOU can see that.

-Even? What are you doing back here then, if it's so bad?

-Er, anyway I best be going, it's quite a commute.

-You just got here!

Yeah, but I left some hummus out back at my flat.

I should get back to that London, before it goes off.

-All right, then.

-Goodbye, Janet.

Bye, Donna.

Hummus?

Ooh, she's changed.

So Gaz, it's important to be in touch with your sensitive side

-to support your children, without being too pushy.

-What do you mean?

For instance, nothing would make me prouder than to see my son represent his country.

But if he doesn't develop a natural flair for figure skating, then I'm not gonna force him.

All right, fine. What else?

It's important that you express yourself.

I often write little poems for my children and leave them around the house.

A poem! I could do that.

Yes.

-This'll show the judge how sensitive I am.

-What have you got so far?

"Oh, Corinthian, you are now my son, Although Jonny was Daddy Number One,

"I'll love you a heap, if you go to sleep, while I have sex with your mum".

It's a bit creepy that, isn't it?

Oh, forget it! I'm too rugged to be in touch with my sensitive side.

Perhaps that's not such a bad thing.

Look at Fathers for Justice.

You don't get more rugged than wearing a cape and tying yourself to a crane.

The ones on the news that dress as superheroes?

Yeah. I did that once. Helena didn't approve of my Wonder Woman hot pants.

I over-spilled.

-Louise.

-Oh, blah.

See, I told you I was a brilliant mother, Timothy Claypole.

Check it out... LL Cool B!

You're meant to pimp Ford Cortinas, Louise, not your children.

Buying your baby a mobile phone does not make you a good mother.

Of course it does, I've spent a fortune.

And next time I leave her in a shop, she can text me instead of the police having to get involved.

BABY CRIES

Naughty baby! Please stop crying.

Oh, suit yourself.

Louise, stop behaving like you're in a ChildLine advert and pick your daughter up.

She needs a cuddle.

BABY CONTINUES TO CRY

I just can't, all right?

Holy hot pants, Gaz!

All right, Donna?! What are you doing here?

Well, I had a day off so I thought I'd nip back to sunny Runcorn.

-Yeah, I'm just trying something.

-Well it's a look.

How's it going "darn sarf"?!

London is amazing, Gaz.

Moving there was the best decision I've ever made.

And I'm so happy with Wesley.

Will you grow up, Gaz? "Wesley" is a nice name.

Yeah, for a cartoon squirrel.

It's a family name. All the men in his family are called Wesley

and all the women are called Lesley. It's a tradition.

What's his surname?

Presley.

Wesley Presley?

Where does he live, Heartbreak Hotel?

Wesley is kind, and sophisticated

and he has an iPhone.

Yeah, well he sounds like a bell-end.

YOU sound like a bell-end. I don't need to sit here and be insulted.

I have a wonderful new life in that London to be getting back to.

-Bye, then.

-Yep. I London Town, here I come.

-See ya.

-Yep, cant wait to get back to that London. Don't try and stop me.

OK.

Well, I suppose another ten minutes won't hurt! I'll put the kettle on.

Poor Wesley! You've been back in Runcorn for five minutes, and you've already forgotten about him.

Shut up, Gaz, that is not true. In fact,

I will tell him to come here.

-Then you can see for yourself how wonderful he is.

-I can't wait(!)

That is if you're not busy cleaning up the streets of Gotham City.

-Why are you dressed like that? It is laundry day?

-No.

I'm going to go to court and I'm trying to look responsible, and who's more responsible than Gazman?

-Court?

-I've applied for Parental Responsibility of Corinthian.

Oh.

Right. Well, I'm pleased for you.

For both of you. You and Janet must be very happy.

We won't be when the judge turns me down.

He's bound to think I'm a crap dad. It's in the genes. The only thing my dad ever brought up was phlegm.

-Don't be silly, Gaz, you're a great dad.

-No, I'm not.

I'm not creative or sensitive...

At least I look good in tights.

You don't need to dress up. You're a wonderful father, Gaz.

I should know, it's the reason I left...

-What?

-When I saw you and Corinthian and Janet, I knew you finally had what you always deserved.

A proper family. I couldn't stand in the way of that.

-I had to leave.

-Oh, Donna...

-Just be yourself, and the judge will see what I see.

-Thanks, Donna.

And for God's sake, take those tights off, I can see your brain.

BABY CRIES

DOOR OPENS

Louise! What are you doing?!

I could hear little Louise crying from outside!

Janet, you shouldn't wave your arms about like that unless you've shaved your armpits.

You look like you've got Bob Marley in a head-lock.

What are you doing, listening to music while your baby's screaming?

It's the only way to drown it out. Thank God for Slipnot.

You can't ignore her, Louise. She needs you.

I can't, it's too hard.

She won't stop crying.

She's so small and squeaky. You have no idea how annoying that can get.

Just hold her. She needs comforting.

I'm scared. What if I squash her tiny head?

Aw, Louise.

All new mums are scared at first, but you won't hurt her with a cuddle.

How can you be sure?

I'm always breaking things.

My Mother's ornaments, crockery, the homeless.

You just need to practise. You can't go wrong with a good cuddle.

LOUISE GASPS I can't believe you're coming onto me at a time like this!

I know I'm attractive, Janet, but for God's sake, give it up.

-Here...practise on this.

-OK...

I suppose I could try.

That's it, put your arms around it gently...

Perhaps a bit more practise.

Right. I believe we are here to determine whether or not you should

be granted parental responsibility of one...

er...Corinthian "McVitie" Keough.

That is correct, your honour.

Thanks for seeing me today. I'm really excited about being a proper dad to little Corinthian.

That's good to hear, Mr Wilkinson.

I promise to be the best dad ever, or try to...

I can't wait to teach him to read, and take him to the football.

I've been playing with my balls all morning just thinking about it.

Er...do I look OK?

I was gonna wear something else, but I laddered my tights.

I'm sorry, I'm just a bit nervous.

I really want to be his dad, you know?

Just try and relax, Mr Wilkinson.

-You're not on trial.

-Not this time.

I was just having a bad day.

We've all been there. You must know what it's like...

what with 'the blob'.

Are you too old for that now?

Do you know what, I'm just gonna go, I'm just gonna go!

I knew I'd mess it up.

I just wanna make a really, really good impression.

And you know, I love Corinthian, but if you can't see that, then fine.

This would never happen to Banana Man.

Come on, Corinthian!

Mummy doesn't need her friends to have fun, she's got you!

Corinthian?

God, I'm bored.

-I miss Donna.

-Do you miss her so much,

-that you won't shout at her for eating all your Wagon Wheels?

-Donna!

-I'd thought you'd gone back to that London.

-Oh, I was going to go yeah, but I got lost.

But I spoke to Wesley and he's going to meet us here, and I can't wait to introduce him to all my friends.

Wouldn't you rather be with your new, exciting London friends?

-Bet you've got loads.

-Oh, a few. Yeah.

None of them can lick their own nipples though.

I'm sorry for being a cow earlier, Janet.

It's just really weird being back.

That's OK.

You know I love you.

-I've told Wesley all about you.

-Have ya?

-Yeah, I'm sure he'll learn to like you, once he meets you.

Oh.

Everything's happened so fast.

-I thought you loved it in that London?

-So did I.

It's just being back here... I've realised that I really miss it.

Runcorn might be a shit-hole, but it's my shit-hole.

I miss my friends. Even Louise.

Christ, you must be lonely.

Why don't you move back here, then? I want my best friend back.

It's just everybody's moved on.

You and Gaz have got your little family. I've got Wesley.

I couldn't just leave him.

Why don't you ask him to move with you? You said he'd do anything for you.

He'll think I'm mental.

We've only been together a couple of months, and I've tried so hard to make him think I'm normal.

-If you're not 100% happy in London, talk to him.

-OK, I will.

When Wesley gets here, I'll show him all that Runcorn has to offer.

The full sensory experience.

The leafy trees, the fumes from the chemical waste ground.

That footless tramp that hangs around outside Morrisons,

God, I love Runcorn.

Ahh!

Ahh!

-Louise, what are you doing now?

-Janet said I have to cuddle Louise Louise Brooks.

So why are you hugging Arthur?

She's so precious. I need to practise on less valuable people first.

Although I wish I hadn't hugged that man with no feet outside Morrisons.

I got poverty on my shoulder.

Aw, Louise. Don't be afraid to hold your baby.

A cuddle won't hurt her.

Babies are very resilient.

Every child gets the odd bump, or bruise.

I was dropped once or twice as a child, it never did me any harm.

You can't wrap your child up in cotton wool.

Or Polyester, it's tacky.

Go on, just pick her up.

She won't bite.

I'm doing it!

I'm holding the baby all by myself.

Well done, Louise. And she's stopped crying.

She obviously likes you, the poor, deluded little mite.

She smells amazing!

Even better than marker pens!

She does like me, doesn't she?

I can't believe I was so scared.

I'm never gonna put her down again! Never! Ever!

-What's the matter?

-It was a disaster.

I was so nervous. I couldn't stop talking. Or farting.

-What happened?

-I could tell the judge thought I was a waste of space. There was no point.

They were never going to take me seriously. I wasn't even dressed as a fictional super-hero.

I don't understand. It was only supposed to be a formality.

I know, I'm sorry, I knew I'd cock it up.

I was just trying to be myself. In hindsight, that was a mistake.

I can't believe this.

I was really looking forward to being a proper family.

I know, but do you know, it's just a bit of paper. It makes no difference.

No. No, of course it doesn't.

No difference at all. Until I die!

You'll have no legal rights over Corinthian. He could end up in care.

Or worse, with Jonny's mum.

We don't have to worry about that. Nothing's going to happen to you.

You can't know that, Gaz. So much has happened in the last year, who knows what's round the corner?

Well, it'd be a massive coincidence if it were a shark.

I'm sorry, Janet, but there's nothing we can do about it now.

We're family, it's out of order.

I'd feel happier knowing you had some real rights to Corinthian.

That you'll always be in his life.

Yes, well, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.

The judge didn't think so.

She hasn't seen you get up in the middle of the night when he's crying.

-Or singing to him when he can't sleep.

-He does like Metallica.

I just want to be a brilliant dad.

There's no such thing as a brilliant dad.

All parents are a bit rubbish.

Everyone makes mistakes.

But as long as you love Corinthian and he loves you, nothing else matters.

Do you know what? You're right. You're right.

I'm gonna go back to that courtroom, and I'm not

gonna leave until 'Arsehole of the Bailey' listens to me.

Well, I'm coming with you this time.

Perhaps the judge just needs a bit of reassurance.

Either that or a slap.

Listen up, Judge Moody! I know Gaz might seem like a bit of a dick...

but he is the sweetest, kindest person I know, and he's been an amazing daddy to Corinthian.

All we want is to be a proper family.

My baby's already lost one parent, and I won't let him lose another.

If anything happened to me, Gaz is the first person I'd want to care for Corinthian.

We're lucky to have him, and if you can't see that, well, you must have shite in your eyes.

I demand that you give Gaz parental responsibility of my child this instant!

OK.

-Really?

-I can be Corinthian's dad?

Sure. All I need is a signature and your national insurance number.

-Is that it?

-I tried to tell you that earlier, but you were too busy crying about ripping your tights.

Thank you! Thank you so much, Your Honour.

-No biggy.

-Woo-hoo! We did it!

I spoke to Wesley, he said he's gonna meet us all at the pub.

Is he excited about coming to Runcorn?

I think so. I know he'll like it once he gets here.

What's not to like? I bet London hasn't got an animal rendering plant.

I can't wait for you to meet Wesley. I know you're going to love him.

If you love him, he must be great.

I'm looking forward to meeting him.

Just try not to shag this one, Janet.

Yeah!

I can't believe I've got all my girls back together. I'm so happy.

Me too. Let's go and get wankered on Cheeky Vimtos, eat a kebab

-and vomit in each others' handbags!

-We are so Sex and the City!

Well, if it isn't Runcorn's answer to the Sugababes.

Good to see you, shit-tits.

What are you doing back here?

I thought I would pop back. I've missed my mates.

And we've missed you. It's not been the same round here without you.

Yeah, I've had to get used to shagging just one bird again.

-Oi! Donna! Donna!

-Wesley!

-I'm so pleased you're here.

-Yeah, didn't think I was gonna make it.

Some old geezer, with no feet tried to cuddle me outside Morrisons.

Well, that's Runcorn for you! The people are so friendly.

Come and meet everyone. Everyone, this is Wesley.

-He's my boyfriend. He's from London.

-And I've got an iPhone.

-You just sit here with everyone, I'll get us a drink.

-Sweet.

-I'll have a bottle of lager.

-Huh!

It don't come in bottles. Bell-end.

You must be the ex-husband.

I imagined you'd be taller.

And you must be Wesley Presley. I imagined you to be a twat.

1-0.

So, what do you think of Runcorn so far, Wesley?

It's rank. I can see why you moved to the big smoke, Donna.

So you couldn't see yourself living here then?

Christ, no! It's a shit-hole.

You haven't even got a Nando's.

I mean, hello?

Er, hello?

You must be Janet. Very pleased to meet you, treacle.

Nice to meet you too... golden syrup.

Northern birds. You always smell of gravy.

I ran out of bath-bombs so I improvised with an Oxo cube.

I had t' bath with t' Oxo cube.

Priceless! And you must be Louise.

That's right. I would shake your hand, but...

I don't want to.

This place is a dump. Let's go somewhere else.

I've just bought you a pickled egg. And there isn't anywhere else.

-This is Runcorn.

-Well, perhaps we should go back to London.

I think I've seen enough talentless inbreds for one day.

And who are you calling talentless, you southern fairy?

Step step shimmy.

Now I'm being abused by Christopher Biggins.

Come on, you should never have come back up here.

Listen, Dick-head Van Dyke.

Donna likes it here.

We're her mates, and if she wants to stay she can.

Yeah! Leave it out, you slaaaag.

You can't seriously want to hang around here, with a bunch of gravy-stinking chavs, Donna?

Who you calling a chav?

She's wearing a tracksuit, and she's not even in a gym.

You've got a new life in London now.

I know, I know. But I miss Runcorn.

And Runcorn misses you.

Sorry, but I've been thinking.

I'm lonely in that that London. I miss it here.

-What are you saying, Donna?

-Look, I care about you, Wesley, I really do.

But I've made up my mind...

I'm moving back to Runcorn.

GASPS

I've got an interview to be a community support officer.

Hello, hello, hello.

-Get your stuff, we're going back to London.

-Observe.

-I'm looking for a baby daddy for little Louise.

-And to finish...

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