Ello Ello Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

I'm back in Runcorn for Donna.

I've got an interview to be a community support officer.

She likes witty men. Hence my opening gambit.

Sit on my face, I'll guess your weight.

-If I move in with you, there's something I want you to do.

-Anything.

I want you to divorce Gaz.

This programme contains adult humour.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

-'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, 'ello.

-Oi!

I need to take good care of this uniform, only two are issued.

I'll get in trouble if I get any baby sick or your dick sick on it.

No chance of that. When you got this policing job

I expected the uniform to be a bit sexier.

Can't you turn it up or down,

-or take it off and stick a truncheon up your arse or something?

-No, Gaz.

I'm in a very responsible position.

I'm doing this for you. You earned my respect by getting a divorce.

I want to earn yours. Show me your respect.

-I can show you I'm erect.

-Ew!

I got you something. I worry about you being on the streets alone, so...I got you this.

A vibrator?

In a manner of speaking.

-It's a taser.

-What?! They're illegal! Where did you get a taser from?

-Calm down!

-Gaz, I'm an officer of the law!

I'm not going to earn your respect through violence.

I'm only saying this out of kindness,

but you're a tiny, weak, pathetic little woman.

You need a weapon.

The only weapon I need is my brain.

Oh, right, and where's your brain gonna be when you're up against a wall surrounded by gangsters?

Then one of them makes you...strip.

Then you get covered in Ragu while Tony Soprano's daughter licks it off.

Gaz, there are no gangsters in Runcorn.

Oh, who was that baby-faced wise guy who kept calling Tim "Godfather"?

That was his godson.

Please, just take it. Violence never hurt anyone.

No, Gaz, I'm going to earn respect the right way.

I'm going to arrest my first criminal!

Now, get to work, sonny Jim.

I need to practice my "oi"!

So, how you feeling?

-About what?

-About the break-up of the boy band Blue, Wesley.

About moving up north.

About living with me, our new life together?

Oh. It's nice. I've got my market stall all sorted.

I'm selling grapes and everything. Two for the pound!

-Well done.

-It's just...

Ignore me. I'm probably jet-lagged.

The north isn't in a different time zone.

I really miss my mates, Donna.

Don't worry, you'll soon settle in. Why don't I phone Gaz?

But I can barely understand him, his accent's really thick.

The rest of him is too.

Just try, Wesley, for me.

I will, for you.

Get your pears!

Well done.

Right, I'm off to Janet's before I go to work.

Oh, your Market Stall Monthly's arrived.

Oh, family Beale.

What's a boy to do?

So, Caprice, when's the photo shoot?

-I beg your pardon?

-You!

-What are you doing? What's all this?

-Donna...

I'm a self-reliant yummy mummy.

I utterly refuse to be a pleb.

Have you not seen Elizabeth Hurley?

Only ever in white jeans.

Or with an ugly millionaire hanging out the back of her.

I've got a reputation to uphold.

You see these women who after they've flobbed out a baby get all...

What's the word?

Maternal.

I just don't want that happening to me.

So where is little Louise Louise?

Oh, I've left her with Tim's wife, Helena.

They're a nice family. He's given me my job back, have I told you?

Probably, but I tend not to listen.

That's just ignorant.

See? Went straight over my head!

-'Ello, 'ello 'ello!

-Look at you!

That is totally lesbian chic.

You look like Dixon of Dyke Green!

Janet, I really admire you.

A job, a baby, a home...

Your husband.

You're like proof that women these days can really have it all.

Including your husband.

Yes, thank you, Louise. But he won't be my husband for much longer.

We are getting a divorce.

GASPS Donna!

A job behind the bar at the Archer and divorced by 26!

You really are living the dream there.

How have we not killed her?

Now, now, ladies! Let's have a little calm, please,

this is my beat, and I demand respect.

Aw! Bless her.

What do you mean, "bless her?" I do demand respect.

Gaz even made this in the garage for my first day. He's really proud of me.

Oh, look! Janet's had an idea!

You'll see. I'm going to clean up Gotham City.

So you're going all Batman?

She's gone all batshit.

Right. Time to bags me a criminal.

Let's be 'avin me!

Oi!

Awww, you've got to admire her.

No, you haven't, you've got to admire me!

No, Janet's got a decent job and a happy home.

That's impressive considering what she's been through. She's super mum.

I've been through a lot! I'll have you know a very good friend of mine

was eaten by a shark last year.

Louise, I'm sure you are an interesting parent

in a Judy Garland kind of way.

You devote your time to looking perfect,

whereas Janet devotes all her time to being a good mum.

So, what you're saying is in order to be a good mother I have to look like Janet?

Sorry! I forgot to take this off!

Wouldn't want to look silly.

Oi!

Oh, crap!

THEME FROM THE BILL PLAYS

-Oi! You can't park there, sonny Jim.

-Sod off.

Oi! That's illegal...mummy Jim.

Oi! Stop that illegal drinking, hoody Jim.

This is too hard.

Oi!

-COCKNEY ACCENT:

-Half a pound of cockles!

Get your lovely bananas!

What are you doing here?

Donna phoned me. To help you settle in.

-Why are you on my bed?

-It's my bed, actually.

From when I lived here.

I'd recognise this baby anywhere.

I've covered nearly every inch of this mattress.

Bit on the headboard on a good day.

Listen, Gaz, I'm glad you're here.

There's a few things that are bothering me about Runcorn.

There's a few things you need getting used to.

The smell, for example.

The one that makes you cough up blood?

That's the fella. That, Wesley, is the local animal rendering plant.

Just think of it as an over-friendly cousin.

Which brings me on to the over-friendly cousins.

You've led an enviable life, Gaz.

I'm just finding it hard settling in.

I ain't got no mates, I'm setting up a new business... Want some jam?!

Gaz, will you teach me the ways of this town? I just want to fit in.

Oh, I'll teach you, Wesley Presley.

I'll teach you good.

Walk this way.

Whoa!

Walk THIS way.

HE GASPS DRAMATICALLY

Oh, ha ha(!) Whatever.

Before they judge, I think someone needs to take a look in the mirror.

-Yes, you do.

-SHE GASPS

Oh, it's me.

Tim, do you think I pull this off?

Yes, you should definitely pull it off.

Then burn it, stamp on it and stick it in the post to Bosnia.

I borrowed it from Janet's wardrobe.

It's not exactly red carpet, is it?

More Allied Carpet.

I just thought if I dressed like Janet, I'd be as good a mum as her.

Well, I shouldn't aim too high.

Corinthian is stiff competition.

I know! He can sit up straight.

Louise Louise just does this.

She's not teething or talking.

And between you and me, her personal hygiene leaves a lot to be desired.

She's ten weeks old!

I just don't want her to grow up...normal!

I've got a degree in sociology.

I'm practically a genius!

What if she's...average?

It'd be my fault.

You should get her some Mozart.

-Why? What'd that do?

-Mozart improves the IQ.

All the posh mums are at it.

Is Liz Hurley at it?

Only with ugly millionaires.

But CDs are expensive.

I need to find a way of getting some money.

Hmmm. Can I have some money?

No!

Donna? You look like you've seen a ghost.

My...divorce papers have come through. It's really happening.

Ahhh. Can I have some money?

-Away with you, Louise, you trampy little turd!

-I am not trampy!

I'm just begging for money dressed in some skanky clothes!

Even dressed like this, I'm still the most lovely thing that ever did be!

Donna, love, come and sit down.

Come on. Tell me all about it.

Oh... Shhhhh. Later.

And this, Wesley, is a pastie.

They have many uses, from loft insulation to a dummy for a baby.

Yeah, we've got pasties in London, Gaz.

But do you have these ones? Taste.

It tastes like armpit.

Not just armpit.

Eyebrow, anus and testicle.

Yes. Now...

do you have flat caps, ferrets or whippets in that London?

-No!

-Neither do we. So stop being prejudiced, you southern bastard.

Some little twat threw yoghurt at me!

-I've got to use my spare.

-Should have tasered him!

No, Gaz. I won't earn your respect by going round shooting people, like some kind of American.

Anyway, the first thing about fitting in in Runcorn is getting the accent right.

Don't worry about that. I've been practicing. Listen.

-NORMAL ACCENT:

-Hello! My name is Wesley Presley.

I'm from Runcorn.

It's brilliant.

Er, local knowledge. A bit of local knowledge never did anyone any harm.

I've been doing some research, on my iPhone.

Interesting facts about Runcorn.

Nicola from Girl's Aloud was born here. The town has a swimming pool.

Macy Gray has never visited Runcorn.

-No, no. I mean, you need to know the pubs and the bars, the clubs and the restaurants.

-You're right.

All I've been to is the Archer.

The Archer? You've only been to the Archer?!

Yeah, that's about it, to be honest.

Gaz? Wash this, will you? Hi, Wesley Presley.

Now, time to make an arrest.

Surely someone round here's been a naughty Nigel.

Probably Nigel the Nonce, come to think of it.

Look, Gaz, I just don't want to be lonely up here.

-It's hard when you're the only one who knows the rhyming slang for apples and pears.

-Stairs.

That's what we want you to think. It's "extortionate taxi fares."

My divorce papers have come through.

You see, Gaz? I'm all alone,

and all alone in a roomful of people can be the loneliest place of all.

Except if you're in a room with no-one in it.

That's even lonelier.

HE GAGS

Donna, Donna, Donna.

Many of the world's most successful people have been divorced.

Elizabeth Taylor. Elizabeth Taylor.

Elizabeth Taylor...

Elizabeth Taylor.

I could go on.

It's not the be all and end all.

It's the be all and end all.

-Gaz!

-I know!

-It's just so tragic.

-I know.

-It's just so sad.

-I know.

Hello, Donna. It's Wesley!

Wesley, I'm sorry, my divorce papers have come through.

-That's a coincidence. So did Gaz's.

-It's just a bit emotional.

-Yeah. They've been married over three months.

-Shut up, Tim.

We need to make a list. What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.

-Get it over with quickly.

-Come on.

What about my fitting-in lesson?

Gaz? Gaz?!

Gaz? Gaz? Gaz? Gaz? Donna?

-Yeah?

-I can't remember what I was going to say.

Where's Nigel the Nonce? Gaz! Come here.

My divorce papers have come through. I've gotta go, I'm busy.

But look at me, I'm policing! Gaz.

Gaz. Gaz.

-Gaz. Donna!

-Janet, we're busy.

-It's Tim, isn't it?

-Yes. Boysie, is it?

Wesley.

So, what can you tell me about your quaint little town?

Oh, so you want to fit in, do you? Say no more.

We'll have you Runcorning like a good'un before the day is out.

Ooh!

You're very tall, aren't you?

Very tall. Tall as if he has fake legs full of cocaine!

Yes. Let that be a lesson to you.

Now...

What is the square on the hypotenuse equal to?

Come on.

No, it isn't spit bubble, you oaf! Look, I'm just...

-Get your thieving mitts away from my property, scumbag!

-SHE SQUEALS

Sorry, Louise. I didn't mean to startle you.

Oh. So I suppose the whole jumping out on me with a gun

and shouting was supposed to lull me to sleepy bye-byes, was it?

It's not a gun, it's a taser.

I'm dropping it down the station this afternoon.

Oh! You look lovely today, Louise.

Well, keep it away from me and Louise Louise, you psycho. God!

-You make my mother look the picture of sanity, and all she does is eat her own hair.

-She doesn't.

Well, I say it's hers, but some of it tastes of cat to me.

I just feel like nobody is taking me seriously. Especially Gaz.

Aww... Maybe you could try a manicure, or a formal education.

I have GCSEs!

I can't be that stupid. Corinthian is the cleverest baby in the world.

He's already absorbed the alphabet.

In spaghetti form, but it's still in him.

So?!

Louise Louise can...

..better than any baby I know.

Look, I've gotta get back to work.

I need to find some criminals to impress Gaz.

The Archer's a den of iniquity.

I hear Arthur smuggles cocaine in the folds of his scrotum.

Although that could just be dandruff.

So I think the biggest outlay in that area of our lives

came from me, therefore I should get the vast majority of it.

OK. You drive a damn hard bargain, Gaz Wilkinson. Fine.

As much as you're killing me here,

you can keep the granny porn.

Yes!

Right. That's about it.

All the knick knacks and clothes and jewellery, that's yours.

Well, no, not quite, Gaz.

Not ALL the jewellery.

-You don't mean...?

-Yeah.

Donna, love, that was a gift!

I know how important the licensed booby inspector brooch is to you.

As charming a gift as that was for our first Christmas together,

I'm talking about this.

What's that? A washer?

I doubt it was as expensive as a washer. It's my wedding ring.

Why's it all bent out of shape and flat?

Because, you know, London is nearer to the equator than Runcorn.

So it melted...

..when I repeatedly hit it with a shoe.

Why did you do that?!

Er, the whole making me move halfway across the country thing?

I didn't make you move to London!

You didn't make me feel welcome staying.

Oh, so the next time I fall in love with someone, I'll put a spread on.

-Just take it.

-I don't want it!

If this is how you feel about our marriage, I don't want it.

Actually, any of it.

Any memory I've got of our relationship, you can have it.

-You've already got the flat, the kitchen, the bed we slept in.

-You can have that.

Especially the bloody headboard!

It's not bloody. It's spunky!

And, step, step shimmy!

-Step, step, shimmy!

-No, no, no!

You've not got the shimmy bit right.

It's not shimmy!

-It's shimmy!

-Shimmy!

Boy George, I think he's got it!

Are you absolutely sure this is the traditional dance of Runcorn?

I swear on my lover's grave.

Thanks for the help.

I've got the regional dish, the dance, the history.

I'm still no closer to fitting in.

Gaz? I'm about to make my first arrest!

-Probably. Out of my way, you law-abiding scumbag.

-See?!

-All right, sonny Jim?

-It's sonny Tim, actually.

Talk to the badge.

Oh, let's see.

Oh, you're a police community support officer. So not a real policewoman.

I am. And I am going to clean up this town.

Anyone here breaking the law, I advise you come forward right now!

You won't find anything here.

This place is as squeaky clean as a Dreamboy's thong.

We'll just see about that.

I've got one here if you want to check.

Stop disrespecting me!

This is the final straw!

Now, what is the capital of Nicaragua?

Come on, neither of us want to end up like Janet.

Oh, hi, Janet. You've changed.

I'm not Janet! I'm just wearing her clothes.

Oh, is that another Runcorn thing? Wearing each other's clothes.

-It's Louise, isn't it?

-Yes. Hello, Wesley Presley.

And this is Corinthian?

Small for his age.

No, you foul, yet cheeky, chappie.

This is Louise Louise.

She's only ten weeks.

Oh, right. She's a beauty.

She isn't a car, you random southerner, she's a baby.

And thank God she is a beauty.

She's a complete thicko.

Is she? How do you know? Is she not rolling over yet?

God, yeah, six weeks had that down.

-Can she smile?

-Yeah.

And laugh. She's always chuckling, the little imbecile.

How do you know she's thick? Is she not able to grasp things?

She can't even grasp the basics of mathematical philosophy.

No, I mean rattles and boobies.

She was grasping on things before she was born.

She pulled out her own umbilical cord like she was in a tug of war.

Then she is bloody advanced! She's a bloody genius!

-Is she?!

-She's far more advanced than mine was at his age.

-Oops...

-You have a kid?

Yeah, but Donna doesn't know, OK?

I'm trying to break it to her gently.

You mustn't tell her while she's going through so much.

Doesn't she?

That's OK. I'm good at keeping secrets. And lying.

But don't let that worry you.

Let's go and show off.

Brilliant. Now, just need to borrow some clothes.

Marrying you was the worst mistake I ever made.

No, Gaz. Sleeping with my bridesmaid was the worst mistake you ever made!

It's tradition!

-The groom's supposed to sleep with the bridesmaid!

-That's the best man!

Well, I buggered that one up, didn't I?!

Don't make light of this, Gaz!

I'm not. When you get married to Wesley, and I'm the best man...

-I don't give a shit about Wesley!

-Oh.

-Oh... Wesley...

-We'll talk about this later, Donna.

You've hurt me with your deception.

Oh, frigging hell.

-Donna, are you in a hurry to marry anyone else?

-No. Are you?

I don't know.

I don't know!

I can't just marry Janet straight after we get divorced, it wouldn't seem right.

It'd be like having pudding number one straight before pudding number two.

Janet lets me have two puddings.

And as much as I like being compared to a trifle...

A trifle! You can tell you've been to London!

Yes, as much as I like it,

I just think we're too raw at the minute

to have the kind of divorce that we'd both like.

One that lasts forever? For richer, for poorer?

In sickness and in health.

A happy one.

-In direct contradiction to our marriage.

-You should keep this then.

Thanks.

No, wait.

What are you doing, you knobhead?

Donna Wilkinson?

Yes, Gaz Wilkinson, you weird little man?

Will you make me the happiest man in the world

and be my lawfully estranged wife?

I will(!)

HE CHUCKLES

Better go and tell Janet the divorce is off.

She'll be all right with it, won't she?

Yeah, she's a pushover, is Janet.

I am at the end of my tether with you people!

You will respect my authority!

Nobody disses Janet K!

-Illegal gambling!

-Janet!

Arthur's playing for toothpicks.

Not that he uses them on his dentures.

Breath like he's been lapping out a colostomy bag.

-Right, right.

-SHE GASPS

Illegal weapons!

These are darts! I don't know what you're playing at, you silly little woman.

Nobody listens to me! I am the most powerful person in this room

and no-one is paying me any attention!

That uniform's gone to your head!

And your ankles, but I refuse to pass judgement.

I will make an arrest today if it's the last thing I do.

You won't find anyone here up to anything improper.

-Shut it!

-HE LAUGHS

Don't you laugh at me. I eat scum like you for breakfast.

I am an officer of the law.

I am earning Gaz's respect.

You're not, sweetie, you're a pushover.

-I am not.

-You are too.

-Am not.

-Are too.

-Am not!

Hate to say I told you so.

Janet? Janet, me and Donna, we've come to a decision and we're not getting divorced.

You're not getting divorced? But...

See? Told you she'd be all right.

What are you doing on the floor? RIPPING

ALL LAUGH

-She's ripped her kecks!

-Perhaps you should go easy on that scum you eat for breakfast, dear.

Janet, I'm glad you're here! Little Louise has bypassed your stupid little baby in every way!

I'm a way better mother than you.

Do you people know what this uniform means?

You should be respecting it, and me in it!

-Gaz?!

-You found it then?

Yeah. And behold, I am a Runcornian!

Step, step, shimmy!

-He actually looks better than you in the uniform.

-Right, that's it!

Yes. Let that be a lesson to you.

-Somebody call the police!

-The real police?

Oi!

Sorry.

So what exactly happened here?

This man was impersonating a police officer.

-SHIVERING:

-I was just trying to fit in!

So I put an ice cube down his neck.

She tasered him. She's a terrible mother.

I was only doing my duty, constable.

-Come on.

-Constable! Constable! Oi!

So, how did things go with Gaz?

Oh, God. Look, Wesley, what I said before, I do give a shit about you. Look at you!

All six foot three police impersonating, step, step shimmying,

pastie-smelling inch of you!

I was just trying to fit in.

You have! You really tried for me.

More than anyone else ever has. Gaz wouldn't do what you did.

You know, change his life, like you have.

I mean, look at the state of you.

I just wanted to be a part of the town. Part of your life!

We'll finalise it next week. I'll be divorced immediately.

Ow!

Don't make this difficult, we need to end this.

He shagged my best friend.

She moved to London.

Did you think, when we were looking into each other's eyes, we'd end up here?

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

# And they're like it's better than yours... #

Oh, why can't we do this?!

-Because...we don't want to be divorced.

-No.

-So you'll stay together?

-No!

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