D.I.V.O.R.C.E. Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

Just get it over with quickly.

Donna Wilkinson, will you be my lawfully estranged wife?

Better tell Janet the divorce is off.

-You're not getting divorced?

-I told you she'd be all right.

You've hurt me with your deception.

Oh, frigging hell!

I'll be divorced immediately.

ELECTRIC SPARKING BOTH: Ow!

This programme contains adult humour.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't

# Handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

So...

Such a young couple,

and you've been married how long?

-Ages.

-A few months.

-Hmm.

Such a shame. So young.

Are you crying?

It's dusty in here.

And dust makes you sad?

Yeah.

Well, don't make this any worse, Gaz, we need to end this thing. GAZ SIGHS

Well, do you?

Yes.

Listen to the man!

Well, I see so many divorces that...

I hate to see people throwing it all away on a whim.

Oh! He shagged my best friend.

-She moved to London.

-He's an imbecile.

She uses blow jobs to get presents.

-Don't we all?

-LAWYER CHUCKLES

-He smells of eggs.

-She's got a verruca!

-He gave it to me!

Listen to yourselves.

Look, it isn't my place to say...

-Well, then, don't.

-Ignore her. What?

Well, I just think that if you're still so bothered by each other,

if you can still conjure up such strong feeling towards each other,

then you obviously still care for one another.

I couldn't give a hairy shit!

-I'm in love with someone else.

-Guys...

-Guys?!

I'm not paying you a ton fifty an hour to be called, "Guys."

-Who are we, the cast of Britannia High?

-You wish.

OK.

Mr and Mrs Wilkinson...

Oh...mmm...

"Guys" is fine.

Look, I get paid regardless, so I'm not saying this for my sake.

I hate divorce.

My parents were divorced...

Ooh, it's like A Child Called It made flesh.

I just want you to be sure before we proceed.

If there's any way this relationship can be salvaged,

I want you to think very carefully about what you're doing.

He's right, Donna. I mean, should we be doing this?

I mean, think back. Think of the good times.

Which ones? The ones where you were shagging Janet behind my back,

or the jolly days when you used to fart on my head, and call it a love rumble?

No.

Remember when we first got together...?

Fair maiden,

wouldst thou give me the pleasure of thy company for up to 14 minutes of dirty sex?

Why, yes, yes, a thousand times, yes!

Don't you remember?

That never happened. I'll tell you what I remember...

Ooh, yeah!

Oh, God!

Aaah... Gah!

Wooh! Oh, I tell you what, it fits like a rubber glove.

Smells like one too!

Uh!

Oh, it was beautiful, wasn't it?

Yes, that really was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me.

-I'm not joking, it was.

-That's not true,

-I was romantic tons of times. Do you remember when I bought you flowers?

-Er, no.

Yeah, you do. You do.

Jonny had just died, right, and you were all upset, so I came round...

Hey.

Hi, Gaz. I was just thinking about you.

That's a coincidence, I was just thinking about me too.

-I got you these.

-Gaz, these are beautiful. Aw!

Come on.

Gaz, we shouldn't be doing this. What about Donna?

She's my best friend.

I can't help myself.

-Yeah, that wasn't you, was it?

-No.

No, it wasn't. That's when you were shagging my best friend.

Can we have a divorce, please?

Surely you have some good memories, Donna? If I may call you that?

-It's better than Mrs frigging Wilkinson.

-Oh, is that hyphenated?

Come on, Donna!

Your time with me wasn't all bad. Admit it, we had a laugh.

SHE SIGHS Yes, well, I suppose sometimes you were OK.

Like when you surprised me for my birthday that year...

Oh, I wonder what he's got planned.

If I know Gaz, it'll be something vacuous, facile, and probably penile.

Ooh, fingers crossed!

-I'm not sure. I mean, it's not every day you turn 25. My quarter-century!

-Hey!

When I get there, shoot me.

What are you talking about? I thought you were about 50.

How dare you, you squat little shit?

Come on, everyone. It's Donna's day, let's be happy!

-Yes, I've had my hair done specially. 14 quid this was.

-Oh! Did you get the head stylist, then?

Margaret. She's the one who doesn't have the shakes.

ENGINE REVS

That's Gaz! I recognise the helmet.

Wait, is that my birthday surprise?

Sort this hair out.

There you go.

Right, hop on, love! We're going to Penketh!

I mean, how was I supposed to know you'd just had your hair done?

I don't notice stuff like clothes and hair. I'm a man.

When's the last time you noticed I made an effort?

Scraping the knob cheese from under your foreskin does not count as an effort.

Well, la-di-da, Lady Muck.

You know what, you've always been the same - selfish.

I mean, what kind of a girl wants to go on a motorbike on her birthday?

-My kind of girl! And Sandy from Grease.

-Oh.

-When she'd had a perm and slagged herself up.

-Just don't...

When I threw out his porn, he used to wank over the You're The One That I Want sequence.

We haven't been able to go to a funfair since.

You said that's cos you had a bad experience on the waltzers!

Yes, because of you.

You nearly blinded me!

I couldn't help it. Blame it on the G-force.

Such animosity.

Why did you ever decide to get married in the first place?

Huh! Desperation.

Because I loved her. And you weren't desperate, you could have had any man you wanted.

God knows what you got up to in that London.

OK, so I'm gonna have you and you, and you and you. But not you.

Oh, go on, you too! SHE LAUGHS

Oh, this is so much better than Runcorn!

It wasn't like that.

Oh?

Sorry, Donna, but we don't have willies.

-What?

-No-one in that London does.

And even if we did, they wouldn't be as big or as noble as Gaz Wilkinson's.

We've heard he's quite the treat.

'It wasn't like that either!'

Remember when you all came to visit?

-I didn't.

-No. YOU didn't.

I was really unhappy down there!

# London calling to the faraway towns

# Now war is declared, and battle come down

# London calling to the underworld

# Come out of the cupboard, you boys and girls

# London calling, now don't look to us

# Phoney Beatle-mania has bitten the dust

# London calling, see, we ain't got no swing

# Except for the ring of the truncheon thing

# The ice age is coming, the sun's zooming in

# Meltdown expected, the wheat is growing thin

# Engines stop running, but I have no fear

# Cos London is drowning, I

# Live by the river. #

-Where were you, Gaz?

-Where do you think? Looking after Corinthian.

Oh, that's another thing. He impregnated my best friend!

It was an accident.

I thought I was infertile, it could happen to anyone.

-Anyone who stuck their cock in their wife's best friend!

-OK, OK.

That's why I didn't come to London.

-I didn't want to go over and over the fact that I accidentally rammed one up Janet.

-Oh!

We're going off the point!

Though I'm on 150 an hour, so, please, continue.

I hated it down there.

I was so lonely, it was so big.

I had no friends. So I came back to Runcorn.

Yeah, and insisted on going on that bloody tour.

Which once again, hubby dearest, you wouldn't come on.

# I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour

# But heaven knows, I'm miserable now

# I was looking for a job, and then I found a job

# And heaven knows, I'm miserable now

# In my life

# Oh, why do I give valuable time

# To people who don't care if I

# Live or die? #

You just get a better class of pigeon here, is all.

-Can't you see why I'm divorcing her?

-I'm divorcing you is what's happening.

-That's what's happening?

-Yes, it is.

-I'm sorry Little Miss Shouty Lady.

-I DO NOT SHOUT!

-You're shouting now.

-Oh, that's not shouting.

-That's her calm voice.

Shit! Really?

Really.

Oh, my God! I don't believe this!

Oh, my God! I don't believe this!

Oh, my God! There...

There are people here! You are wank...

STATIC DROWNS WORDS

HE MOUTHS

I was deaf for three days.

-I don't know why I bothered with you in the first place.

-Cos I'm sexy.

Yeah, if this marriage has taught me one thing, it's never to go for looks again.

From now on, it's brains and personality.

I've got brains. I fix cars for a living.

Wow! You're like the Fonz!

-You're like the Fonz.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Very witty. God, I loathe you.

I loathed you the first time I met you.

-No, you didn't.

-Yes, I did.

-Janet set us up on that date, and you were rude and obnoxious...

-Sexy.

Yes, that too, but mostly rude and obnoxious.

No, you liked me the first time you met me.

No, I didn't. We had that enormous argument about your porn, remember?

That wasn't the first time we met. The first time we met was 20 years ago in the park.

# Ring a-ring o' roses

# A pocket full of posies

# A-tishoo! A-tishoo! #

-Is an elephant as big as my house?

-Yeah.

But you must never live in an elephant, because...

-Why?

-Because...you may get a cold. Gimme that!

-No!

-JANET WAILS

You mustn't snatch! I'm telling my mum!

Your mum is fat!

And she gets her hair cut by a gardener, because my mummy did say so!

Your mummy is a lazy slag, because my mummy did say so!

Oh!

Stop fighting! DONNA CRIES

You've made Donna cwy.

Donna's a cwy baby!

-Am not!

-Ah!

Serves you right for snatching.

THEY SCREECH

Stop fighting! Or you will upset the baby!

Knobheads!

HE MIMICS AN AIRPLANE ENGINE

Hello!

Do you not have any friends?

I'll be your friend.

Will you be my girlfriend?

No! I'm not old enough for boys because I am only five.

Erm...erm...

What...what's the sheepses name?

Satan.

-Why?

-Because he is a devil sheep,

and when you are asleep, he comes in the night, and eats your eyes.

That's not nice.

I know. But all sheep are like that. You must be very afraid of them,

because they are evil, and will kill you dead. Baaaaaaa!

GAZ WAILS

DONNA LAUGHS

Silly boys!

And that's why you're scared of sheep?

That's why.

Well, why didn't you tell me?

I thought you'd feel bad. I was trying to protect you.

You complete dickhead!

"He comes in the night, and eats your eyes?"

OK.

I think I'm starting to see what might be wrong with this marriage.

Her. She's what's wrong with this marriage.

Can't you see any sort of future for you?

-No.

-I say this to all my clients.

Before you go any further, I want you think of the future, and what it might be like.

I am Gazroid, defender of the mighty galaxy of Thoron in the year 4099.

Not that far into the future!

I want you to imagine what it'd be like not being married any more.

On the one hand, you'd be free. On the other hand...

Go on, take that you pesky space spider!

He's asking us to think about what it'd be like to be single again.

The not-too-distant future.

I don't have to imagine. I've got Janet and Corinthian.

A ready made family all nice and perfect for me. You, on the other hand... Whoa!

-Louise?

-Yes, Ida?

-It's Donna.

-I prefer Ida.

-Oh.

Suit yourself. Put another bar on the fire.

We can't afford it.

Not since you lost your job because the brewery don't like single people running their pub.

It's discrimination.

And then your affair with Arthur went public.

You got so desperate after your divorce you slept with anything.

Arthur said he'd call.

And that turned all the married women against you.

Afraid you'd steal their menfolk.

Janet never spoke to you again.

-I was a right slag.

-Yeah.

Which is why you contracted syphilitic gangrene.

You had to have your fanny chopped off.

That smarted.

And as a young divorcee, nobody really wanted to take you up the aisle again.

No.

Your looks started to fade.

You went and got all jowly.

Gobble gobble! Turkey neck.

Batwings.

-Saddlebags.

-False teeth.

Urgh, really?

I stopped brushing them after I lost my job.

There didn't seem much point.

Oh. Never mind, you've always got me.

That's true. I'll always have my best friend.

LOUISE GAGS AND CHOKES

Oh, crap!

We have to stay married. We can't get divorced.

-Why?

-It's a long story, Gaz, one that ends with Louise's death!

Yeah, once again, why?

Gaz, trust me.

I can't be divorced at this age.

It's better than being 50.

What chance would you have of meeting someone new?

Thanks!

He's right. I mean, I'd be all right, men improve with age.

But you... Urgh!

You'd be tucking your arse into your socks, and throwing your tits over your shoulders.

It's not pretty.

Thank you! That's cheered me up! I already feel on the scrapheap!

I swear my nipples are an inch lower than they were at 21!

Inch and a half.

Trust me, I'm an expert.

-Gaz, when we got married...

-That was the best day of me life.

Yeah, but that day when we said our vows...

"Forsaking all others as long as we both shall live?"

I buggered that one up, didn't I?

GAZ CHUCKLES

Sorry.

Did you actually think, when we were looking into each other's eyes, that we'd end up here?

No. I didn't think we'd be able to afford a snazzy solicitor.

Unlike the agents in the old town, this one's actually wearing shoes.

-Though not pants.

-LAWYER CHUCKLES

-Sorry.

-I mean, did you think that it was gonna be forever?

Yeah, course, why not?

Did you, though,

or did some tiny part of you think that it wouldn't last?

That this marriage was just a band-aid over a much greater wound in our relationship?

"A much greater wound in our relationship?"

Who are you, William Wordsmith?

-Worth.

-What's worth?

William Wordsworth.

Who's he?

A poet.

Never heard of him.

Is he as good as William Wordsmith?

Look, that's beside the point.

I just need to know whether you thought these vows meant anything.

You know, not since what's done is done, but when you said those things to me in the registry office.

Donna, when we got married, I loved you with everything I had.

Those vows were from the heart.

I would have died for you.

You know, I'd have done anything to make you do your special smile -

the one you only do for me.

It's not that one.

No, it's not that one.

Now you just look mental.

Marrying you... Yeah, it was what I'd always wanted.

Messing it up was the biggest mistake I ever made.

Then why did you do it?

Because... I don't know. Love.

-Our love, it wasn't enough.

-It wasn't.

I'm asking you if you felt like that because...

when I said those vows... No, even...

even before that, you know? When we got engaged, when you proposed...

I just always had this feeling like I was going along with it.

That that was what life was about.

The whole time I had this little voice in my head...

telling me that it wasn't right, but I just...

kept ignoring it.

Well, you could have mentioned it!

Here's muggins sat here, none the wiser, your little voice saying,

"Donna, Gaz isn't right for you. He isn't good enough for you.

"He accidentally weed on your toothbrush and didn't tell you."

What?! And...

How?!

After sex, it shoots off in all directions.

Only buy yellow towels.

Once I sent that tip into Chat magazine - they never used it.

No, Gaz, what I'm trying to say is that it's my fault that we're here.

I should never have married you.

We'd all be so much better off if we'd never met.

Hello, fat Gaz.

I like it when you come in, you're very slimming.

I try my best.

Are you off on the pull tonight, then?

Oh, aye. Yeah.

Be off down all the trendy wine bars, and the clubs of the old town.

Strutting me stuff. Showing the ladies what I'm made of.

-Shall I stick your tune on, get you in the mood?

-Oh, aye, aye.

I could do with a bit of warming up.

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

# And they're like, it's better than yours

# Damn right, it's better than yours

# I can teach you, but I have to charge

# My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard

# And they're like, it's better than yours

# Damn right, it's better than yours

# I can teach you, but I have to charge... #

I see fat Gaz is in again.

I know. It's a shame, isn't it?

Well, he looks happy enough.

I've never seen him with a woman, though.

Well, apparently he was quite a looker in his youth.

-All of the women fancied him.

-Never!

Yeah. He couldn't settle down though,

so he just lives this hedonistic lifestyle of eating, drinking and...

Well, not sex any more, I can tell you that.

How can he even find the thing?

Look at him go! What a tragedy.

If only he'd met the right woman.

-It's a tragedy.

-I can't imagine how my life would be different if we never met.

Oh, yes, I can.

-Morning, Miss Henshaw.

-Morning, Coots.

Have a bunch of cash, I'm loaded. Is the toyboy ready?

Scrubbed and waiting, Miss Henshaw.

Excellent. SHE LAUGHS

If I'd never met you, I could have had a limousine! Hmm.

-OAF!

-Well go and get one, then!

You've still got time, your looks - for three years.

You've got that brilliant brain. What's stopping you signing these papers, and grabbing your dream?

This says Mike Tyson!

Gaz!

And yours says Vera Lynn!

Oh, why can't we do this?!

-Because... we don't want to be divorced.

-No.

-So you'll stay together?

-BOTH: No!

We don't wanna be divorced from anyone. We don't want to be divorcees.

-We don't have to be.

-I don't wanna to stay married to you, Gaz.

I don't wanna be married to you.

What if... I marry Janet, you marry Wesley?

Wesley isn't just gonna marry me like that. I know I'm a catch, but it's too soon.

But he will do one day.

And I... You know, I really wanna marry Janet. The way I feel about her...

Is it the same way you felt about me?

Happy, Gaz?

Yeah!

'This was a mistake.'

-Enjoy!

-Cheers, Tim.

SHE BURPS

Better out than in.

'This was a mistake.'

Gaz, I need to go round Louise's on Friday night to tell her how pretty and thin she is for three hours.

-Your turn, is it?

-Mmm.

Donna did a double shift of it last week. Will you babysit?

Yeah, course.

Me and Corinthian have a great time when you're not here.

'This is the best decision I've ever made.'

So? Is it the same?

Sometimes, yeah.

I mean, yeah, I feel...

just as in love with...

-that person as I did with you.

-Then we should do this. Gimme those papers.

-Come here.

-SHE SOBS

So, Mrs Wilkinson...

Ah!

Ms Henshaw, I think you'll find.

I'd best go and buy a ring.

You never got me a ring.

I wanna do it differently this time.

You know, properly. For the person I love.

Good luck to you, then.

Yeah, good luck yourself.

Thank you.

I could sling work her way.

Yeah, you've got that market stall.

This is just what I need to get me out the house.

I am still part of your life, aren't I?

-For old times' sake...

-Yeah!

You need a USP.

I think you'll find I have two.

That's not gonna help you down the market, is it?

Depends what kind of market.

What are you up to tonight?

Wesley's has got a meeting with a market inspector, so...

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I wanna cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't

# Handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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