Val Doonican Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

-I don't want to stay married.

-I don't want to be married!

-We need to end this thing.

-And, I... I really want to marry Janet.

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS ADULT HUMOUR.

# Hey Mr Bartender give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't

# Handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please!

# And a packet of flakeys. #

Just beautiful.

Dreamy.

It's like God himself shat it out.

Thanks for getting me this. Thanks for getting me a good price on it.

-Mates rates, innit? No worries.

-Is it real then?!

-Yes.

-But how?

There isn't an Argos for miles.

No, it's my mum's.

He's a lifesaver.

He's got me the perfect ring.

It's just... I wish I could propose the way I want.

Really special, with a big bash.

She isn't gonna marry you if you punch her, Gaz.

No, a bash like a party.

Somewhere nice like the Empire State Building

or at the top of the Eiffel Tower.

No, it's impossible.

Scared of heights, is she?

We've got no money! I'm the only one working and Corinthian eats like he's got worms.

Are you sure he hasn't just got worms?

We've only just wormed him.

We only knew there was something wrong after he started

dragging his arse along the carpet like a scabby mongrel.

I had a girlfriend that used to do that.

Oh no, a border collie.

I get confused cos they both had eight nipples.

He left loads of skidmarks behind him.

We think he was trying to spell something out.

"Put me in a nappy" perhaps?

We can't afford nappies! We're low on funds. And Janet...

she's not helping, even though Corinthian's at preschool.

I didn't know he was Catholic.

"Pre" school. Not priest!

Janet needs to get back to work.

I could sling some work her way.

-Oh, yeah, you've got that market stall now.

-Get your pears!

Do you actually sell pears?

We do not!

We sell Val Doonican CDs but that doesn't really have the same ring.

-You get her a job then I could have the proposal of my dreams.

-Group hug.

You're a life saver!

-I'll go and see her.

-Can I come too?

It gets lonely with just Arthur.

The whole dead wife thing, yawnorama.

Tim, this is a man's job.

So...you thinking of going back to work at all any time soon?

No.

Can I ask why?

Not finished my Nutella.

Jesus I need a longer tongue.

Janet, I'm a bit worried about you.

Ever since you lost thatpolicing job

all you do is sit around and eat shit.

It isn't shit, it's Nutella.

They look similar, but that just saves time as it's passing through.

That's not good for you, you need to get out there, get a job.

-Have you seen the job market?

-Yes, have you?

No. I try to look but every time I open the paper the stress starts making me feel ill.

Well, what if I were help you?

I could get you shifts at the pub with me and Tim.

Could you?! Oh, Donna, I didn't like to ask.

I thought I'd be stepping on your toes and I already did that by stealing your husband.

That's all forgotten about...

-You just finalised your divorce.

-All forgotten about.

And we celebrated by watching that porno you and Gaz made, Here Bums the Bride.

I wish that was forgotten about, but no matter, I'll save the day, again.

Oh, Donna, thank you. Come here.

Janet! Janet!

Wesley has got you a job on his market stall! Isn't that ace?!

-What? Really? But...

-What? Really?

-Yeah!

Oh, my God, that's brilliant.

Oh, I'll be off then. Nobody seems to be needing me around here.

That's great.

I'll see you later, then.

Great.

Thanks, mates!

Donna, thank God you're here. I was beginning to feel a bit unpopular.

Tell me about it. Have you seen Louise?

She's gone for a girly weekend with her mates.

-What? What mates?

-Her girly mates.

-But, why wasn't I invited?

I'm a girly mate, listen.

Oh, my god, I just love your tiny bag!

You've lost weight! Let's have a Lambrini!

Oh my God, that felt wrong.

Well, I for one am glad you're here.

I need to warn you that Gaz is proposing to Janet tonight.

What? But I'm...

Just...

Tonight?!

Five words do not a sentence make.

Oh, Donna, you're crying!

It's not that bad!

It's my thighs, isn't it?

You're upset by my thighs.

You wouldn't be the first.

Helena won't pay for the lipo.

I just feel like I'm losing everyone.

Gaz and Janet'll get married, then I'll never see him again.

Or, you know, Janet...

No, Donna, don't hang onto the past or you'll end up like Arthur,

always going on about that dead wife of his. Drama queen!

I just need a way of staying part of his life and Janet's.

I mean Louise has got her invisible mates.

Wesley's got his market stall. Where have all my friends gone?

What?

I can't use my breasts to keep hold of them, Tim.

If you keep living in the past you're going to get hurt.

Heed my warning, Donna, it's time to let it go.

No, I can't.

Gaz is here, dry your eyes, you don't want him to see you crying now, do you?

Guess who's proposing to Janet?!

I think I'm going to have to venture... Papa Smurf?

No, me dickhead.

It's a big secret, though, so hush puppy.

All I need is the right romantic setting.

You know, the right beer, the right curry house, the right lube.

Well, that's romantic.

I can't afford anything fancy.

I need some help cos every time I imagine something cheap

I just picture Jodie Marsh in her pants.

Just squatting.

What you need is somebody who knows you both really well.

You know, somebody who's good at this sort of thing.

Somebody organised, somebody who's a really good mate.

Thanks for pointing them out, Donna, but I don't need an excuse to look at your tits.

-No! Me!

-Mistake!

Donna, I would have asked you but...

Wouldn't it be a bit weird, we're divorced.

It'd be like getting some old rotten meat out of the bin to help bake this perfect wonderful pie.

Rotten old meat? You are comparing me to rotten old meat?

Yeah, all right, not rotten just... You know, used.

Mouldy, you know, a bit past its best.

Please just let go of my balls.

This is precisely why I didn't ask you. It's weird.

No! No, Gaz it's not weird.

You know, it's modern. It's progressive!

-It's very French, very chic.

-Sheep?!

Gaz just let me help you, I want us all to be friends.

I feel a bit of an outsider at the mo, so... How about a party?

Yes! A party. Gaz go home and organise it now.

He needs me, Tim, thank you.

What a girly party with lots of things girls like?

You know, like Ugg boots

and hoovering...

-A bit of squatting.

-You're crap at female orientated parties.

-I'm not! All my parties have a feminine aspect to them.

-What aspect?

The strippers.

Have you completely forgotten the last time you tried to arrange something like this? Our wedding...

Actually both our weddings, both were completely horrible!

There were cauliflowers.

Proving that anything involving you and you is a disaster.

If you don't want this party to be a complete disaster, then, I think you should let me help organise it.

I am still part of your life, aren't I?

Go on then... For old time's sake.

A market stall holder?! Do you really think I've got what it takes?

I've not done a full day's work for over a year.

Well, it was either you or Arthur and Arthur's always going on about that dead wife of his.

Drama queen.

At least you haven't got a dead... Anyway, what do you think?

I think Wesley Presley that you're a lifesaver!

This is just what I need to get me out of the house!

-All you've got to remember is we are a very tight knit bunch us market traders.

-Oh, really?

-Do you have a secret handshake?

-Yeah, I'll teach you.

-What's so secret about that?

-Are you going to tell anyone about it?

Perhaps you're the girl that can finally shift those Val Doonican CDs.

Val Doonican?!

He can write a tune, he can.

He can make the ladies swoon, he can.

One day he could go to the moon, he can.

-Tea?

-Janet, you're a market stall girl now.

You say "Hows about a nice brew then, lovely?"

Oh, I see. And do I say "Ricky!"?

We just find that a bit insulting, to be honest.

Oh. Well.

When can you start?

To be honest I've been feeling a bit unwell recently, so I wondered if...

Well, I really need someone today.

I can start soon, I can!

Sorry.

Donna, get back behind that bar and serve the customers. We've a rush on.

There's nobody here. Anyway, I'm going to help Gaz - he's my friend.

You're being very destructive.

If it's friends you want, I'm here.

I have got my beady eye out, Donna Wilkinson.

Well, you best put it away then, before you drip pre-cum on the floor.

I've been thinking of proposing to Janet on bended knee, but then I thought

that's unoriginal cos that's how I proposed to you and that was rubbish.

Then I thought sky-writing.

But I don't have a marker pen big enough.

So, I came up with this.

Spice Girls have aged badly.

No. Look, it's a puzzle, you have to work out what it says from the pictures.

OK, prince, sheep, virgin, mechanic.

No, it's as clear as day.

Will, you, Mary, me?

Maybe I'm just too clever.

Took me ages to cut out that sheep's head out.

Women want to be proposed to romantically.

Gaz, you should let me help you.

I want her to be surprised.

-Have you got a ring?

-Oh, aye. Yeah.

Wesley got it for me.

It's a family heirloom.

Wesley gave you his family heirloom?

My boyfriend gave...

Am I ever going to get a ring?

You didn't even get me an engagement ring.

You said, "If it's a ring you're after, check this out". Then...

I bent over and showed you me arse.

Val Doonican? He can croon, he can!

No?

Excuse me? Would you like some large pants? They're very lovely.

No? Ah, you sir?

You look like someone who would like to buy 12 Easter eggs from the former Yugoslavia.

Here you are, love. Get that down you. You deserve it.

Been on your feet all day. How much have you shifted then?

Well, nothing. But we have had a lot of stuff nicked so at least we're popular!

You're being too coy for the customers.

You need to give it a bit of the old cockney charm.

-What? You mean be rude and obnoxious? I can't do that.

-No, like this.

Ladies and gents, gather round cos everything's a pound!

From bog roll to chocs to a dolls in a box.

Wesley Presley's the bloke that will not leave you broke. Here you are, love.

Grab one of these and I'll also chuck in a couple of extra cans of Fanta for the young 'uns, eh?

-A word!

-Ow!

Back out now, lady.

You're only going to hurt yourself further with this. Look at you.

Your eyeballs are redder than an embarrassed radish.

Like I always say, "Once your balls go red, stop pushing".

I mean, why would Wesley do that?

Wouldn't you want to save your family heirloom for the person you wanted to marry?

Aw! Poor Donna...

-YEAH, COS THAT'S WHAT'S BOTHERING YOU!

-Don't shout at me!

I'll shout all I want.

I'm shouting because I might soon be the only friend you've got left.

Leave Gaz and Janet alone.

They're happy.

You're not and you're jealous like Danni Minogue in a sixth form college.

I am not jealous and to prove it I will even pay for the frigging party.

A frigging party!

That's what I'm talking about.

Nice try with the guilt trip, Tim, but me and Gaz are going to organise this ourselves.

You are playing a very dangerous game, young lady.

This is Russian Roulette with lives!

Lives!

Ooh, I like that. I think I might use it again.

Sorry about that.

So... What does Janet really, really like?

Did I hear you say you'd pay?

Oh, anything! Absolutely anything. Your happiness is my happiness.

Janet likes... Marmite.

I can't centre a proposal around Marmite, Gaz. You know I haven't

been able to go near the stuff since you made me lick a whole jarful out of your arse crack.

That's Marmite-rimming for you.

You either love it or you hate it.

-No, Gaz.

-No, you're probably right.

You know what, Donna. It's actually nice spending time with you without divorcing you

or sleeping with you or being attracted to you in any way.

Ooh, I feel wanted.

Well, maybe not that last one.

We should go shopping! Decorations, flowers, food.

-It's all on me!

-Sweet.

You know as well as I do what she's doing. Don't be stupid.

Well, what are you waiting for? Come on.

I'm judging you.

Lives!

Bloody cockneys. They're just so pushy and they're obsessed with weird foods.

Jellied ells, whelks, dog and bone.

Janet! What's up with you?

Are you ill again? Did you start your period or something?

What?

Is that what it is? Is that why you ran off? Was it your period?

-Why are you asking me that?

-Because if it was your period I'll understand.

Was it your period?

Are you having your period?

Stop saying "period".

Sorry. It's just Donna said that if I'm afraid of something I should use the word and it'll become less scary.

Cybermen.

It's just... I haven't had a job since the police threw me out.

Then the first one I get I don't even last a day.

It just upsets me, that's all. It actually gives me stomachache.

It's stress, is that.

Don't be stressed.

It was your first day. I'll teach you.

You've just got to have a bit of banter with the punters.

A bit of what with the what?

Wesley, I am too sick for this.

OK. Let's pretend I'm an old lady.

Try and sell me this. What is this?

It's Jonny, my husband who died.

You've kept his head?

Yes, it's the bit with the kisses.

OK, hello little old lady. Would you like to buy my dead husband's head?

-No. No, no, no, no, no.

-What?

-You need a USP.

-A what?

-A USP.

Ooh, like a psychic power?

A Unique Selling Point.

I think you'll find I have two.

That's not going to help you out on the market, is it?

Depends what kind of market.

What you need to do is find a way to be persuasive,

to make people trust you and want to buy Val Doonican CDs from you.

I used to work in a baker's, people bought things off me all the time.

That's because this is Runcorn. Pastry is a vitamin here.

Yeah, true.

But what do I do? What is my USP?

I've got it!

Now, love, these bloomers would cost upwards of eight quid in Japan.

I can let you have them for four quid for six pairs.

Get out! We're not paying that for knickers.

Oh, come on. I got to make a profit, ain't I?

Look, I can get ten pairs for half that price off Fast Eddie.

Come on, girls!

-Fast Eddie's knickers are second-hand!

-Yeah-yeah-yeah.

All right, all right. I tell you what. I'll do them for three quid for six.

And I'll also throw in a free Val Doonican CD and a kiss for the first woman who buys them.

Well, that's more like it, ain't it, girls? Here you are!

Bargain at half the price.

-Oh! That was so much fun!

-It was like you were Daddy Warbucks and I was Fanny.

It's Annie.

Not in the film I saw.

What is all this crap? Is it even edible?

They eat them in that London. They're blinis.

Who's Bill Ini?

-Gaz.

-Is he from that London?

Must be with a silly name like Bill Ini.

-People round here are called sensible things like Corinthian or Timothy Claypole.

-Gaz.

Ivor Hardon.

Nobody's called Ivor Hardon.

I never said they were.

-Seriously, I do have a hard-on.

-Will you be sensible?

Oh, me eyes!

What's happened to me eyes?

Stop it, Gaz.

We are divorced. Some might say we should be excoriating each other.

Ooooo.

Via our solicitors.

-Ooooo.

-Over the phone.

-Oooo.

You know what? I've missed this.

We have good times together.

I know. I miss it too.

Gaz, you touch me in a very special way.

Ooooo.

Can you not be serious for once?

I can be seriously sexy.

You know what your trouble is?

What? Shagging Janet?

-Over it.

-Let me see. What is it?

Sleeping with your mum? Ooo...

Shit. No, shit. Sorry, I forgot she was dead.

I'm so sorry. I've pushed it too far. Donna, I'm sorry.

No, that's fine. It's absolutely fine.

Please feel free to make jokes about shagging my dead mother.

You can't take anything seriously, can you?

Not my mum's death, not our wedding vows.

Oh, this. I knew you weren't over it!

-I wonder. Can anyone see why we're divorced?

-I can!

Liiiives!

Shut up, Tim! Talk to Arthur, you big closet case.

That's nice. That's really nice, Donna, great friend you are.

Yeah? If I'm such a terrible friend, maybe I shouldn't be part of your lives for a while.

Oh, go on then. Why don't you excoriate me, then?

Oh, wow! You learnt a word!

You know what? We just can't be friends. We can't.

We're divorced. This is what happens, right?

You think you can stay friends but really there's always this resentment, this hatred.

You hate me?

Right now, a little bit.

Well, I don't hate you.

You were brilliant!

You're a natural! High five!

-Janet, are you OK? You look a bit pale.

-I thought it would go away.

Maybe I just need to fart it out.

While you do that, can I use your toilet?

I just need to empty my bowels.

-By having a bowel movement.

-Go ahead.

Gaz, I'm glad you're home. I've been feeling really unwell.

-I think I need a doctor.

-It's Donna, right?

She was helping me organise this big surprise for you and it's ruined. She ruined it.

I don't think I could cope with a surprise. I really feel unwell.

It doesn't matter now, anyway. It'll have to wait.

I don't want you talking to her any more, right?

Gaz, what has she done?

I've not seen you this angry since you dipped your cock in that jar of VapoRub.

I thought it was lard.

At least it's airways are clear.

It's Donna.

She just won't let things go.

That's not true. She let you go.

And she let Runcorn go so we could be together.

Gaz, I really think I need a doctor.

What's up, love?

I've got really bad stomachache.

She was only trying to help me, she was only trying to help us, really.

It must be hard for her.

-Yeah, poor Donna. Gaz, I really think...

-Yes, I know, I know.

You're right. I'll go and apologise.

Oh.

I have flushed my faeces.

Baby Spice.

Argh! Oh!

Janet, are you OK?

-Donna?

-Gaz.

I'm, er...sorry about earlier.

I do miss arguing with you.

It's not the same with Janet.

Yes, the tit wanks are more cushiony.

But it's still not the same.

Janet's your soulmate.

You made that choice and I should just stop interfering in that relationship. It's just...

I was jealous, all right?

You?

Jealous? But your life's perfect.

You're perfect.

I've had an amazing time today, and I haven't even ejaculated.

I don't want you out of my life at all.

I love you.

You know, as a friend.

-As a best friend.

-Don't, Gaz.

Look, listen, Donna.

Yes?

I want you to be part of this.

Right? So...

Will you be my best man?

Because you're my best woman.

Course I will.

-That's great.

-I'm not stripping at the stag do, though.

It's tradition!

Period. Period.

-Period. Per...

-Wesley, get Gaz.

Wesley, come with me!

Wesley, get Gaz. Wesley, come with me!

-Me and you never had an engagement party, did we?

-No. We didn't.

Would it have been like the one today, with bellinis?

Yeah, it would have been, to be honest.

Only in a different pub.

-Well, obviously.

-Without the arguing?

Well, I could have done without the whole "I've shagged your dead mother" debate.

And with a different man.

No, with the same man.

Well, I better call it a night. What are you and Wesley up to tonight?

Wesley's got a meeting with the market inspector, so...

Wesley, it hurts so much.

-Where's Gaz?

-Oh, you want me to phone him?

That might be nice, you big cockney twat!

How rude. I'll make my excuses.

Don't you dare leave me! Oh, where's Gaz?

Period. Bowel movement. Cybermen.

Janet in pain.

-What are you doing?

-I'm trying not to be scared. You say the word, it becomes less scary.

Dying, leaving Corinthian, dying, leaving Corinthian.

Now I've got two more. Thanks a lot.

-I got here as soon as I could.

-What's he doing here?!

-Oh, it's nice to feel wanted.

-He's the only one I could contact.

What's the matter? Where's Gaz?

-I could'nt get hold of anyone.

-Well, try again!

-Where you taking her?

-We have to prep her for surgery immediately.

Find Gaz! Please!

SHE WAILS

Tim, I'm scared.

Ah. Ah, there there.

It's nice to feel wanted.

Now toughen up, you big pansy.

I'll stay here. You go and phone Gaz.

MOANING AND GROANING

Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend, Timothy? Why?

-Janet's in hospital?

-Not any more, no. She's at home, kicking off.

She got all moody when I told her I'd been shagging you.

It's been so long since I've had a good banging,

I think my mimsy may have scabbed over.

Look, I want to talk to you. I want to apologise.

Sowwy!

I know you slept with Gaz.

Oh, right.

# Oh, mr bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't

# Handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakeys. #