You Decide Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

This programme contains adult humour and strong language.

-Donna, it's time to let go!

-Can't!

I've not seen you this angry since you dipped your cock in VapoRub.

You know as well as I do what she's doing! Don't be stupid.

-Where's Gaz?

-want me to phone him?

That might be nice, you big Cockney twat!

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

GAZ GROANS

PHHRRRT!

-I was under the covers. It went in my mouth.

-Donna?

That's right.

-We're naked.

-I know.

-We had sex!

-I know.

-You let me do you up the shi...

-All right, Gaz, I know!

I don't know what I was thinking.

You were thinking, "I want you up me, like a rat up a drain-pipe!"

GAZ CHUCKLES SMUGLY

So.

Here we are again, Donna.

Me and you - bumping uglies.

You're a pig!

Aye, and you want my sausage.

This was a mistake.

A hot, sweaty, passionate, mistake.

It was nothing. It was just an accidental shag.

Four accidental shags, actually.

But this wasn't supposed to happen. I am too good for you.

Besides, you've got Janet and Corinthian now.

We have all moved on. Shit, Janet! I've got to get home.

I won't repeat this any time soon. Oh, no.

One last bonk. We don't have feelings for each other.

-We don't need let it happen again.

-Exactly.

-Little hand job for the road?

-Yeah.

-OK.

Well, I must say I enjoyed that.

I haven't been to a hospital since that vacuuming accident last year.

I wish I could say I enjoyed it.

I go in with simple stomach pains and wake up missing an organ.

It's just your appendix, Janet.

Better out than in.

Funny, that's what the doctor said to me about the Hoover.

Don't worry about your appendix.

The nurse put it in a little jar for you to take home.

Gaz! Corinthian! I'm home!

Ow, shit.

I don't think anyone's here.

What? Where's Gaz? You said he was at home with Corinthian.

Well, I didn't want to worry you.

-Corinthian's still at your Mum's. We couldn't find Gaz.

-Oh, my God!

What if he's hurt? He could be dead in a ditch!

-Don't be silly, Gaz isn't dead!

-Course not! At worst he's unconscious...

or trapped somewhere.

OW!

-Was it your appendix again?

-Yes.

Oh, why don't I have a boyfriend, Timothy?

Why?

Perhaps it's your whiny voice.

Or your insane temper tantrums.

Or the huge hair. Weave it alone, girlfriend. That's all I'm saying.

It was a rhetorical question, you prissy twat.

I'm sick of playing the raspberry.

I don't want to be on my own any more.

I just want someone to love me, cherish me, and pay for my drinks.

I'm welling up.

And it's been so long since I've had a good banging, I think my mimsy may have scabbed over.

But I may as well give up all hope.

I'll never find my prince in shitty old Runcorn.

You know what they say, Louise?

The minute you stop looking for love, Mr Right will walk straight in to your life.

-Oh!

-Oh!

GAZ!

Frigging hell!

Where the hell have you been?

Nowhere. I just nipped out...

for a...shit.

Why didn't you answer your phone?

Wesley's been trying to call to tell you I was having an operation.

What? You finally had that hairy thing cut off your arse?

I had my appendix out.

I discharged myself so I could come home to see my family, only to find that no-one was here.

You've been in hospital all night and you didn't think to tell me?

I was unconscious! That's why Wesley was calling you.

Didn't you notice I wasn't here?

Well, I, er...

Hang on a minute. What the hell was Wesley doing with you?

He stayed with me at the hospital.

Oh, really?

Yes. If it wasn't for him, I'd have been on my own.

Well, apart from Tim, but he was too busy quizzing the nurses

on where he could find one of those lovely upside-down watches they wear.

Oh. Well, thank God for Wesley Presley(!)

At least he was there for me.

I've had an operation and you haven't asked how I am!

I can't believe I'm last to know, Janet! Bloody charming, that is.

Look, I don't want to argue. I feel awful.

And so you should, Janet.

So you should.

Hang on a minute.

You're telling me the whole time I was round the flat banging Donna,

you...YOU were lying in a hospital bed,

holding hands with Wesley Presley, like some big slag?!

How do you think that makes me feel, Janet? Eh?

What did you just say?

How do you think that makes me feel?

Before that?

You're a big slag?

You've been with Donna?

Don't try and turn this around on me, Janet.

You've been shagging Donna, while I lay in an operating theatre,

and you're seriously going to sit there and have a go at me?

I was going to, yes.

How could you do this to me?

Look, Janet, it was an accident.

No, Gaz. Mistaking the Deep Heat for the FemFresh is an accident.

You shagging Donna behind my back is just horrible.

It was a mistake. It probably won't happen again.

You cheeky bastard. Get out!

Ow!

Listen... I'm hungry, can I have some toast first?

-Piss off, Gaz!

-I'll go. I'll go.

Fine!

You let me know when you're ready to apologise.

Tim, I've done something terrible.

Aw, Don-dons. What could you possibly have done that's that bad?

I shagged Gaz.

Oh, Donna, you whore!

I know, I know! I'm a stupid, slutty beast. I don't know how it happened.

I do. You two have been spending far too much time together.

I warned you this would happen, Donna Henshaw.

But did you listen to Uncle Tim?

Did you bollocks.

-I've got to find Janet.

-Not right now you don't. Oi!

Can you have a word with your fella,

who sat by Janet's hospital bed, holding her hand, all night long apparently. The bastard!

What? Janet's in hospital?

Not any more. She's at home, kicking off.

She got all moody when I told her I'd been shagging you.

You told... You told Janet? You dick!

Why did you tell her? Wesley's going to hate me.

Who cares about Wesley?

I do. I'm not going to let one night ruin everything.

Last night was a terrible mistake. I have moved on.

Hello, my little Northern omelette. How's the invalid?

Not very good, actually.

This might cheer you up. I have fashioned a rudimentary necklace.

Aw!

Out of your appendix.

Ewww!

Why the tearful tears?

Your bloody girlfriend shagged Gaz. That's why!

Er...yeah. Then you shagged him, Jonny died.

Donna moved to London, met me...

I had no idea memory was stored in the appendix.

Last night. While I lay dying, Wesley Presley.

While you were dressed as Kelly Osbourne and fingering yourself.

Never happened.

God, those drugs were good.

But Gaz and Donna - that happened.

-If you don't believe me, go and smell his fingers.

-Eugh!

Oh...

I hope you don't mind but I just had to compliment you on your beautiful eyes. I'm Scott.

Oh, I'm blushing...

..but thanks for noticing, Scott.

I was actually talking to the lovely lady.

-Sorry, have we met before? I feel I recognise you.

-I don't think so.

I must be getting confused cos I used to be in a boy band. Getting you mixed up with Sinitta.

I've met her twice.

Shut up! You were in a boy band?!

-For my sins. I don't like to talk about it much though.

-What were you called?

We were a Runcorn-based R&B group, called R-Soul.

I was the rapper.

I don't believe it! I went to one of your gigs in the Arndale!

I got escorted out by security for pinging my thong off a balcony and blinding a pensioner.

Crazy days!

Crazy!

-You were a famous pop star?

-Yeah. But I don't like to talk about it.

Excuse me, need a slash.

I can't believe I'm talking to the R-Soul rapper!

I've talked to an R-Soul Ripper online but he was clearly disturbed.

He's too good to be true, Tim. There has to be something wrong with him.

Every boyfriend I've ever had has turned out to be weird in some way.

-Cross-dresser, alcoholic, Australian.

-Oh!

I need to find out what's wrong with him before I could possibly think about fancying him.

Tim, follow him to the toilet and check he's not got a gun.

Oh, if you insist.

Better safe than sorry!

Oh, God. This is terrible.

I know.

You three are like bloody animals, constantly rutting each other.

It's disgusting! Gaz is with Donna one week, you next. You're a cult!

I am not! Gaz is - for cheating.

I said "cult", Janet.

-It's immoral.

-All right, Louise. I never meant for this to happen.

We're adults now, Janet. It's time to grow up and behave with dignity.

And what's stuck up your arse today?

I'm desperate for a man.

I may have found one, but he's possibly a psychopath

-masquerading as an ex-member of a Runcorn-based boy band.

-What?

I need to check out his alibi,

then I can save myself any future heartache.

Have you ever thought that perhaps you should just give him a chance?

Maybe... but first I'll steal his wallet

and track down his medical records.

PHONE BEEPS

It's Donna. She's on her way round. Sorry, Louise, I haven't time.

Like you said, we're adults. I need to talk to Donna, woman to woman.

And punch her in the tits.

Gaz shagged Donna!

Oh, my God, that's awful! I can not believe I'm hearing this.

I for one, am truly shocked, not to mention a little surprised.

-Why, Gaz? I thought you and Donna were finished.

-So did I.

I ought to kick your arse!

Go on, then.

Perhaps in a bit.

What are you gonna do, Gaz?

Donna's with Wesley and you and Janet have a child together.

I know, but I'm confused.

They're obviously both in love with me.

Perhaps they could share me.

What?

You know, have me half the week each and toss for Sundays?

Or we could all live together, like one of them Moomin families.

But I don't know who I love more. I mean, Donna was my wife.

We've got a history. She gives a superb blow-job. ..Hey, Wesley?

And then... Janet's the mother of my child.

The woman I longed to be with.

She's not opposed to slipping a finger up my arse now and then.

You've got responsibilities now.

That little lad's already lost one Daddy.

God, you're right.

I can't leave Corinthian.

Janet, I had no idea you were ill...

You curly-haired slut-bag!

And while I lay in a hospital bed,

close to death too indeed. For shame!

-I thought you just had your appendix taken out.

-OW! For shame!

I am so sorry, Janet.

You have ruined everything, Donna! How could you do this to me? After everything I've been through.

Everything YOU'VE been through?

He was my husband first. That didn't stop you jumping in to bed with him, like some chavvy slag, did it?

-OW!

-Are you all right? Oh, god, Janet, I am SO sorry.

I honestly never meant for this to happen.

Like you said, I don't suppose I've the right to have a go with you.

I did exactly the same thing when you were still married. For shame.

He's an idiot, Janet. A big, muscly idiot.

And WE are too good for him. I've lived in that London.

Yeah. You're right. His exquisite buttocks do not make up for the fact

-that he's both a cad and a scoundrel.

-Exactly.

We are best friends. No man should come between us. We deserve better.

You're right. Girl Power and that.

-So neither of us will go near Gaz. Agreed?

-Agreed.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Louise! Scott's been teaching me some moves.

I can't believe I'm body-popping with a bona fide celebrity.

-I'll have a drink, when you've finished humping his leg.

-I'll get that for you.

It's all right. I don't want you slipping anything in it to lure me back to your sex cave.

Wow, you're so pretty when you're accusing people of sex crimes.

I'm gonna nip out and make a call.

Louise! You can't be so rude to him.

He was nominated for a Smash Hits Award.

Get a grip, Claypole! There's something not right about him.

You watch the door while I go through his bag.

I can't see a wallet...

or a birth certificate.

Ooh, an address book!

And some photos.

Oh, my God!

Pictures of babies. Looks like he's running some illegal child ring.

He's only been speaking to me so he can snatch little Louise and sell her to Madonna.

-Are you looking for something?

-I, er...saw a rat.

-It ran into your bag...

-OK.

-But then I found these.

Would you like to explain yourself?

That's Nathaniel and Rose - a couple of African orphans I sponsor.

I was building schools in Rwanda.

You're like a sexy Oxfam advert.

Hey, I'm just a normal guy...

who happens to be a single, wealthy, ex-boy-band member.

If you're such a talented, caring, sensitive man,

why don't you have a girlfriend?

-Oh, I did have - Gemma. We split a couple of months ago.

-Why?

I'd rather not go in to it.

Oh, well, that's your prerogative and I would never pry.

-Would that be Gemma with a 'G'?

-Yeah.

You all right?

You doing the washing? I've got some skiddy pants...

-It's not laundry, Gaz. I'm packing your stuff.

-Where am I going?

I don't care but you're not staying here.

I thought you loved me - you've just made a fool of me.

I want to talk you. I want to apologise.

Sowwy!

Why, Gaz? Why did you sleep with Donna?

She... She forced me.

Gaz! Don't you dare blame all this on Donna.

You're the one I'm in a relationship with!

But perhaps this is what I deserve.

I betrayed Donna and now you've betrayed me.

Exactly - you started it!

-We're supposed to be a family.

-We are!

Can't we just forget about it? I'll wash my cock. It'll be like it never happened.

No. We can't.

But we have to work things out.

For Corinthian. I love him.

What about me?

Gaz?!

Sorry, what did you say?

Just take your stuff and go.

I don't want to, Janet.

I love you.

Really? You mean it?

Yeah. I don't want to lose you or Corinthian. I love you.

Come on!

Now, those pants either need washing or burning, so come on.

That was a complete waste of time.

They split up because he wanted to concentrate on charity work.

He didn't twat her or anything.

I don't trust him.

Don't you think this is getting a bit "Fatal Attraction", Louise?

-Why don't you just ask Scott about his past?

-Because he'll lie, Tim.

-Hi, Louise.

-Donna!

I'm surprised you dare show your face around here after what you've done. It's disgusting!

I know, I know, but it was one night of lust.

Gaz Wilkinson means nothing to me.

I won't be letting my hole rule my head any longer.

I'm glad to hear it.

It's important to regain some integrity when it comes to men.

I've just posed as a gynaecologist to interrogate the ex-girlfriend of a potential new love interest.

What? How can you dupe a fellow sister like that?

We're supposed to stick together,

not lie to win the affections of some man!

Did the suffragette movement teach you nothing?

PHONE BEEPS

It's Gaz. Ha!

The cheeky bastard expects me to meet him at the flat.

Got to go!

Oh, Wesley. Hi.

I know you slept with Gaz.

Oh, right...

Oh, God, I'm a horrible person.

No, you're not.

You're just a little bit of a nob

but I still like you.

I brought you a pork pie.

-I don't like pork pies.

-Yes, you do. You love 'em. You always have.

I used to, but I've decided not to like them any more.

They're not good for me.

One won't hurt.

Yes, it will. I have to get pork pies out of my mind.

They are too thick...and common...

and the insides are always full of white gunk.

I'm totally over pork pies. I've moved on!

-You said you missed pork pies in London.

-I did.

But now I'm back and I've realised that it'll never work.

There's too many feelings involved.

Someone's gonna get hurt and I don't want it to be me again!

All right. God, it's only a pork pie!

Are you still in love with Gaz?

Of course I'm not. It was one night of madness.

I don't know what came over me.

-That would be me.

-Get out, Gaz!

Fine. I'll go back to the pub.

Fine! If you're going to refuse to leave, I suppose I'll talk to you.

Wesley, you'd better go.

But we need to talk, Donna, without this Northern monkey in the way.

Who are you calling a monkey?

You've been known to throw your own faeces at passing school children.

You're with Janet. I'm with Donna now.

So you can just back off. I'm going nowhere.

Actually, Wesley, Me and Gaz need to talk. I'll call you later.

OK. Um...I'm going to the pub then.

But when I get there, I'm going nowhere!

What do you want?

I need to talk to you.

-Look, Gaz...

-No, listen. We can't do this any more. It's not right.

I can't keep hurting Janet... or Corinthian.

I'm his Dad, I can't just leave him.

Of course not. I don't want you to. I can't keep hurting people.

When I found out about you and Janet I thought I was going to die from the pain, it hurt so much.

All right, drama queen!

We split up and I moved away.

Why did you come back?

You know why. I missed Runcorn.

Runcorn's a shit hole.

I missed my friends.

Your friends are all bastards.

All right. I missed you, all right?

You weren't just my husband, Gaz. You were my best friend...

and I hated not seeing you every day.

Really?

But you're right, you know. It's over.

We have to stay away from each other from now on.

That's the trouble. I don't know if I can.

Don't, Gaz! You just said you couldn't leave Janet.

It doesn't mean I'm gonna stop loving you.

You know we belong together.

You and I, forever and ever.

No matter where you are...

you're my guiding star.

Seriously?

From the very first moment I saw you...

I never felt such emotion.

That's the "Home And Away" theme tune.

It's our song.

-I miss you, Donna.

-This is crazy. Are you saying you want to forget the last few months ever happened?

Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what I want.

Hiya, Wesley.

Hiya, Janet.

Aw, Wesley.

-Sorry you got mixed up in all this.

-It's not your fault.

I just can't believe they slept together, after all this time.

I know. It's pretty shitty.

But don't worry, you and Donna will be all right.

I'm not so sure. There's still something between 'em.

Trust me, nothing's going to happen.

It was a one-off. Me and Gaz are a family now.

Yeah. That's probably what he's telling her at the flat.

-Gaz and Donna are at the flat?

-Yeah. It was really tense.

Like Angie and Den - Christmas Day '86.

It's fine. They both totally regret it. It was a mistake.

Yeah, you're right.

Just because they've got this raw, passionate electricity between them doesn't mean anything will happen.

Course not.

But I might just nip round there and make sure they're OK.

I don't suppose you'd let me buy you a drink now, would you?

I'm not doing anything with you.

Not until I find out what's wrong with you!

Well, there is something.

I knew it! You've got no nipples.

You eat dogs.

You're wearing women's underwear! That's it, isn't it? Show me!

-Wait! That's not it.

-What is it then?

You'll laugh. Everyone laughs.

I promise I won't. Just tell me.

It's my surname. It's unusual.

Oh, God, it's not Stringfellow, is it?

No. It's Chegg.

What?

My name's Scott Chegg.

That's it?

Isn't that enough? I was bullied for years.

The other boys grabbed me and rolled me in breadcrumbs in home economics.

That name has been a curse.

Well, Scott is a stupid name but... I can live with it.

So you might want to go out sometime?

Yes, I think I might. I just appreciate honesty.

It's important to get all the little secrets out before jumping into a relationship.

I agree.

BABY CRIES Is that your baby?

Let's get you nice and drunk. Then I can tell you all about me.

Only me! Just making sure everything's all right.

Janet, er...Wesley... We were just...

having a sleep.

For old time's sake.

A sleep? Then why has Donna got a used condom in her hair?

It's conditioning.

It's good for split ends.

Well, I'm satisfied. Let's go get some eggs.

I can't believe you two.

-Gaz, you promised this wouldn't happen again!

-Do you want to get in?

No, I do not! We're not French!

We can't keep doing this.

She's right.

This is ridiculous.

Ridiculous...

Or strangely arousing?

You're a dick! Do you love me at all?

You know I do. And I love Corinthian more than anything.

Then why do you keep doing this?

Because...

because I love Donna, too.

It didn't seem to matter when you were shagging me behind her back!

You said you wanted to be with me.

We went through all that shit for nothing!

I'm so sorry, Janet. I never meant for this to happen but I've been kidding myself.

I wish I didn't but I love him too. I always have.

What are we going to do?

I don't know. But we can't go on like this.

It's not fair on any of us. You've got to choose, Gaz.

It's impossible! It's like trying to choose between Ant and Dec.

-You have to decide what you want once and for all.

-Janet's right.

It's make-your-mind-up time. There'll be no going back after this.

It's up to you, Gaz. So who's it going to be?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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