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This programme contains adult humour | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
-You've got to choose, Gaz. -It's impossible. | 0:00:05 | 0:00:08 | |
It's like trying to choose between Ant and Dec. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:10 | |
What have I been doing? | 0:00:12 | 0:00:14 | |
It's obvious who I should be with. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:16 | |
There's been an accident. Gaz is in hospital. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:21 | |
I've got to get there! Wesley, give me a lift. | 0:00:21 | 0:00:24 | |
Janet, wait! He doesn't want you there. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
It's always been you. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink | 0:00:34 | 0:00:38 | |
# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it | 0:00:38 | 0:00:43 | |
# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now | 0:00:43 | 0:00:48 | |
# Just think I'll wait a while | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
# I'll have a pint of lager, please | 0:00:50 | 0:00:54 | |
# And a pack of flakies. # | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
Thanks, Billy. You can just put him anywhere. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Oi! I'm not a fridge. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
-Do you need a hand getting out your chair? -No. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
I just want to help. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:09 | |
-How about I take you to the loo? -No. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
I can scratch that for you, if you like? | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
Are you taking the piss? | 0:01:16 | 0:01:18 | |
I do it for some of my older patients. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:20 | |
I've even got a special stick. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
Why is he still here? | 0:01:23 | 0:01:24 | |
He's trying to give you a hand. It's his job. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
I don't need a hand! Especially his robbing Scouse hands - have you checked your purse? | 0:01:27 | 0:01:31 | |
Don't be offensive! | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Go on, sling it! | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
Time to give my woman the red-hot shafting she's been waiting months for. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:41 | |
Don't listen to him. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
Although he does have a point. Thanks for everything. Bye! | 0:01:43 | 0:01:47 | |
No probs, babe! | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
-If you need a hand, I'm happy to help with -absolutely -anything. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
If you ever need my testicle-tickling stick! | 0:01:51 | 0:01:53 | |
Get him out! | 0:01:53 | 0:01:55 | |
Thanks, Billy, bye. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
What do you mean, "Thanks for everything"? He's done sod all. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:00 | |
He was teaching me how to look after you when we got back. Which is why - | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
# Check out, check out, check out, check out the hand-rail... # | 0:02:04 | 0:02:07 | |
SHE GRUNTS | 0:02:07 | 0:02:08 | |
# Check out, check out, check out, check out the be-e-edpan | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
# Check out, check out, check out, check out | 0:02:13 | 0:02:14 | |
# The leaflet for Stannah Stairlifts. # | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
I don't need that stuff. Nothing's really changed. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:20 | |
Right, of course. | 0:02:20 | 0:02:21 | |
And now, I'm going to shag you till your nose falls off. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:25 | |
Are you sure about this? | 0:02:27 | 0:02:28 | |
Oh, the things I'm going to do to you! | 0:02:28 | 0:02:31 | |
Don't worry, Gaz. | 0:02:33 | 0:02:35 | |
It happens to every man, at some point. | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
What, they fall off the bed? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
Knock over a bedside cabinet, piss everywhere and start crying? | 0:02:47 | 0:02:52 | |
We just need to try another technique. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
You know, like try not to leap on me. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:58 | |
Maybe crawl... | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
..or waddle. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:06 | |
Oh, yeah, cos that sounds sexy, | 0:03:06 | 0:03:08 | |
"I'm going to waddle the shit out of you." | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
I tell you what, we could go to the Archer. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
Yeah, it'd be nice to get back to normal, see the rest of the old gang. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
Right, what old gang? | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Janet's gone to Milton Keynes | 0:03:22 | 0:03:23 | |
and Louise has joined that weird moon-worshipping cult. | 0:03:23 | 0:03:27 | |
God, yeah, what was she thinking? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
In Milton Keynes?! | 0:03:30 | 0:03:31 | |
But no, no, there's the rest of the old crowd, isn't there? | 0:03:32 | 0:03:35 | |
There's, um, there's Tim and ah, Jim. Um... | 0:03:35 | 0:03:39 | |
Ken and Deirdre, Mike Baldwin. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
I just want to see my best mate who never changes then, my old pub. | 0:03:41 | 0:03:45 | |
There's something I should mention about The Archer. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Look at this place. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
It's like Hollyoaks. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
Only with Arthur! | 0:03:59 | 0:04:01 | |
AUDIENCE MEMBER CHEERS | 0:04:02 | 0:04:03 | |
No, no, I can handle this. I can fit in with a young crowd. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
Easy now. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:07 | |
Wagwan, rude boy. | 0:04:07 | 0:04:09 | |
Donna! Gaz! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Tim, my mate! Two pints please, me mouth's drier than a camel's cock. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
-I can manage! -All right. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:20 | |
Excuse me. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
Honk-honk, you twats. Out the way, move. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
Hey! Tim. Look at you. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
-At least you're still the same. -I am indeed! | 0:04:27 | 0:04:29 | |
Shimmy, shimmy, step! | 0:04:29 | 0:04:32 | |
-No, no, it's step, step, shimmy. -New material, darling. | 0:04:32 | 0:04:36 | |
It's so good to see you guys! Look at you, Gaz. You're doing great. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:42 | |
You're like a sexy Davros! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:44 | |
-How's it going, Tim? -Oh, I am brilliant. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:48 | |
Business is booming, I've discovered a delightful new hand cream, | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
Shimmering Cranberry. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
And to top it all off, I've got my two happiest customers back. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:59 | |
Yes, its as if everything is going my way | 0:04:59 | 0:05:01 | |
and nothing could possibly spoil it! | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
What a chuffing toilet. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
Yes, I am happier than Lindsay Lohan in a room full of booze and penises. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:21 | |
Excuse me one moment. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
Did you just tread on my shoe? | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
Did you just look at my shoe? | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
Did you just fail to acknowledge that you either stepped on, | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
or looked at my shoe? | 0:05:34 | 0:05:35 | |
-I'm going to batter you, ya willy! -Oi! | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
You leave Arthur alone! | 0:05:38 | 0:05:40 | |
I can do what I like, gut mouth. It's a free country. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
I thought I told you I never wanted to see you round here, | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
so why don't you make like a banana and piss off! | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
You can't tell me what to do, | 0:05:49 | 0:05:51 | |
you're just some stuck-up little diva | 0:05:51 | 0:05:53 | |
whose ego's bigger than his tits! | 0:05:53 | 0:05:55 | |
And that's saying something! | 0:05:55 | 0:05:57 | |
She's a bit of a gobby cow, isn't she? | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
Hey, don't talk about my sister like that! | 0:06:02 | 0:06:04 | |
What, wait? Your sister? | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
Yes, this is Cassie. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
Like sassy, or brassy, or evil pain in the assy. | 0:06:08 | 0:06:13 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Are you a cripple? | 0:06:17 | 0:06:19 | |
-Don't call him that! He's my boyfriend. -Ew. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:25 | |
Are you like, totally, a disabled groupie? | 0:06:25 | 0:06:29 | |
Do you hang around in, like, | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
wheelchair places trying to get knobbed? | 0:06:32 | 0:06:35 | |
Straight out of a Jane Austen novel, isn't she? | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
Why are you even here? | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
I thought you had another year in that Young Offenders. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
I got let out early for good behaviour. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
Didn't set fire to anything for nearly a whole fortnight. | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
Look, Cassie, I'd love to say it's a pleasure to see you, | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
but it's more like having a pineapple shoved up my nose! | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
-Why are you even here? -I'm not causing trouble. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
Well, I'm not starring in another Crimewatch re-enactment when you do. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:04 | |
I didn't even get to meet Fiona Bruce last time. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:06 | |
-You all right, Tim? You look a bit shaken up. -Who, me? | 0:07:10 | 0:07:13 | |
Oh, don't be ridiculouso. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
-SHOUTS: -Why won't you open, you bastard?! That's the whole point of you! | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
I think maybe I should take him upstairs and calm him down. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
What am I meant to do? | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
You can make some trendy new friends. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:26 | |
Eastside(!) Come on. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
All right, love, how do you fancy...all right, then. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:30 | |
OK, you just sit down there | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
and I'm going to make you a lovely cup of lapshing-sang, | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
shhh... | 0:07:40 | 0:07:43 | |
Tea! | 0:07:43 | 0:07:44 | |
Oh. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
So, are you OK? | 0:07:47 | 0:07:49 | |
It's just seeing Cassie again. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
That girl traumatised me through my youth. | 0:07:52 | 0:07:54 | |
It's the most screwed up brother and sister relationship since...Jedward. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:59 | |
Well, you know what might make you feel better? | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
Shutting up and listening to me moan about my life! Come on. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:07 | |
-I thought you and Gaz were all right? -Not really. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:10 | |
I thought it might be tough. | 0:08:10 | 0:08:12 | |
Dealing with these changes, but the biggest thing is I'm just... | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
So shitting horny! | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
CHEERING | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
-What? -I've haven't had proper sex in nearly a year. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
If we didn't have a power shower, | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
I would've killed someone by now - killed 'em, outright. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
HE WHIMPERS | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
W-w-what's the problem? Just shag Gaz. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
We tried. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
-It didn't go very well. -How so? | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
There were...issues. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
In what way? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
-SHOUTS: -He spaffed everywhere when he was only an inch deep, all right, Tim? | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
Ah, I probably shouldn't have probed. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
Neither should Gaz. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
Look, there's more to your relationship than just sex. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
You find him funny, don't you? | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
Do you know what? You're right. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:01 | |
Yeah, I'm going to focus on Gaz's hilarious antics. | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
-That should stop me thinking about sex. -Good idea. | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
That'll take your mind off Gaz's banging body and his meaty cock! | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
You're not helping! | 0:09:13 | 0:09:14 | |
Here we are! My five-a-side team. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
All right, lads, I was going to give you a ring. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
Hey, Gaz, good to see you back on your...wheels. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:28 | |
Listen, I was hoping to get back on the team. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
I might be up and walking again soon, | 0:09:30 | 0:09:32 | |
and obviously in the meantime I won't be able to track back, | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
and I'll probably only score when the ball deflects off my head. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:38 | |
That was kind of all you did anyway. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:41 | |
Exactly, stick to what you're good at! | 0:09:41 | 0:09:44 | |
Look, Gaz, the thing is, | 0:09:44 | 0:09:46 | |
your place on the team's kind of been taken. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
You what? By who? | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
Hey, y'all right, babe? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
You? | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
Aw, hey, look at you, acting like nothing's changed. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
It's a beautiful thing. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:03 | |
Piss off, dickhead! | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
The only thing that's changed is you've nicked my spot on the team. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
The guys said you haven't been around much. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
I was in a coma. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:13 | |
The boys said you never bothered to turn up to practice. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:18 | |
I was in a coma, you scrote! | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
And they said the only time you ever scored was | 0:10:21 | 0:10:24 | |
when the ball deflected off your head. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
I can't bel... | 0:10:27 | 0:10:29 | |
All right, I'll give you that one. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
But that's my team! I belong there. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:33 | |
You know I said I'd do absolutely anything for you? | 0:10:33 | 0:10:37 | |
Well... | 0:10:37 | 0:10:38 | |
I'll give up my spot on the team, if that's what you want. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
I don't want that! I don't want your help. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
I don't want to be on this stupid team anyway. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:46 | |
I, er, I am still on the darts team though, right? | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
Piss off! There's nothing wrong with my arms, look! | 0:10:51 | 0:10:55 | |
Oh! | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
Why are you still here? | 0:11:00 | 0:11:01 | |
Because it's the easiest way to wind you up, ever. I love it! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:06 | |
For future reference, you wind me up when you breathe, sister dearest. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:10 | |
EXHALES | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
Ugh! | 0:11:14 | 0:11:15 | |
Come on, sod off back to Mum's. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
Oh, but, I'm SO tired, it's so late. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
Can I crash here tonight, big bro, please? | 0:11:22 | 0:11:26 | |
I'm not having you conducting your satanic rituals in my living room! | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
You know what this is really about? You've never wanted me around. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:33 | |
When we were little I had no-one to play with. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
Just me and my imaginary friend - | 0:11:36 | 0:11:38 | |
Chainsaw Charlie. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
Look, I'd love to hear the rich tapestry of why you're a rotten cow, | 0:11:40 | 0:11:44 | |
but you can piss off now! | 0:11:44 | 0:11:46 | |
Mum'll be worried. | 0:11:46 | 0:11:48 | |
Yeah, right. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:49 | |
What does that mean? | 0:11:51 | 0:11:52 | |
Do you know what? Don't act like you care. You haven't changed at all. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:56 | |
You're still a prissy little girl. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
No, I have changed and I'm stronger now, you can't hurt me any more! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:03 | |
Well, good for you. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:04 | |
Oh, Tim, your hair's crap. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:08 | |
It's just words, Tim. Just words. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Hey there, funny guy. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
I got some of your favourite things from the shops. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:00 | |
Meat and porn and a Kinder Egg. | 0:13:00 | 0:13:03 | |
They're probably all different. | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
I mean, I might have liked a Marathon, but they're Snickers now. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:09 | |
Well, that kind of happened about 15 years ago. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:13 | |
Why are you getting upset over renamed chocolate bars? | 0:13:13 | 0:13:16 | |
-It's not just the chocolate bars. -I know. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
Opal Fruits as well! | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
I mean, why didn't you tell me so much has changed around here? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
I feel like I've been asleep for a year | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
and the whole world's just moved on without me. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
Well, that's quite a good description of a coma, yes. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:32 | |
Just so much is different, | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
like Janet moving away with Corinthian. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:37 | |
Not that I'd want him to see me like this. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
And I hate the way people are treating me now. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
I don't want everyone trying to help me. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
Ooooh! | 0:13:44 | 0:13:47 | |
You and your japes! Ha. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:48 | |
You know, things haven't changed that much. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
-You've not changed, you're still funny. -Why, cos I can do this? | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
PEARL & DEAN THEME: # Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, paralysed | 0:13:57 | 0:14:01 | |
# Pa-pa, pa-pa, pa-pa, I ca-a-an't walk! # | 0:14:01 | 0:14:03 | |
Ha-ha-ha-ha! | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
See, you still know how to make me laugh. So come on, Gaz, come on! | 0:14:09 | 0:14:13 | |
Amuse me! Give me a giggle...make me love you. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:18 | |
You what? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:20 | |
I'm trying to make this relationship work. | 0:14:20 | 0:14:23 | |
If you can't make me love you, at least make me moist! | 0:14:23 | 0:14:26 | |
There's no way! I'm not going through that humiliation again. | 0:14:27 | 0:14:31 | |
I've been nil by muff for way too long. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
And we can take it slowly, you know, I can help you out. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
I don't want your help! | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
If you're that desperate, go shag someone else! | 0:14:41 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh, don't be daft! | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
I know you want to stick on a boob tube, get down the docks | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
-and have some random sailor shaft you into next week. -That's stupid! | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
I hate boob tubes. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
Well, I don't care, right, sleep with whoever you want. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:57 | |
Sleep with that Scouse twat Billy if you want. I don't care. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
I'm going down the garage, at least that won't have changed. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
-Let me... -Get off! | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
I don't need nobody's help, all right. Nobody's! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
I can't get down the stairs! | 0:15:11 | 0:15:13 | |
I'm a bad girlfriend. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:18 | |
I should have been supporting Gaz, | 0:15:19 | 0:15:22 | |
but instead I've just been some selfish...randy monster | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
who thinks of nothing except sex. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
Oh, my God, I've become Gaz. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
Hey, I feel bad too. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
I wanted to help Gaz, not piss him off. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
I wish there was something I could do for him. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:39 | |
Well, apparently you could shag me(!) | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
Eh? | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
Gaz doesn't want to have sex any more. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:45 | |
-So he thinks I should find someone else. -Oh...right. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:50 | |
Well, I'm up for it! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:51 | |
Excuse me? | 0:15:53 | 0:15:54 | |
If I do this I get to kill two birds with one stone - | 0:15:54 | 0:15:57 | |
I get to do Gaz a favour | 0:15:57 | 0:15:59 | |
AND I satisfy your sexual frustration. | 0:15:59 | 0:16:02 | |
Oh, Billy. | 0:16:04 | 0:16:07 | |
Oh, Billy! | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
I'm sure you'd do a fine job, but I could never cheat on Gaz. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:15 | |
I'm just going to have to get used to a life without sex. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
Works for Anne Widdecombe. | 0:16:18 | 0:16:20 | |
Although she doesn't really have a choice in the matter. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
-Another drink? -Yeah. | 0:16:27 | 0:16:29 | |
Frizzilla, where's your broken boyfriend? | 0:16:35 | 0:16:38 | |
Hey Donna, do you want some nuts? | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
Oh, my actual God, is that Billy McCormack? | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
Do you know Billy McCormack? Why do you know Billy McCormack? | 0:16:45 | 0:16:48 | |
-We're just friends. -Are you shagging him? -No! | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
Do you want to shag him? | 0:16:51 | 0:16:52 | |
No. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:56 | |
-You all right, Billy? -All right, babe? Who's she? | 0:16:56 | 0:17:01 | |
-That's the bride of Chucky. -Cassie Claypole. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
We were at school, you sorted guys that were bullying me. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
Well, I always like to help out a lady in distress. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
SHE SCREAMS AND LAUGHS | 0:17:09 | 0:17:11 | |
And do you remember Jenny Edmonson's house party? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:15 | |
When you were in that room, getting it on with that girl? | 0:17:15 | 0:17:18 | |
Oh, God, yeah! That was you?! | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
No, I wasn't invited, so I climbed in through the window and screamed, | 0:17:20 | 0:17:24 | |
"Get your hands off my man, you bitch!" | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
Cassie, can I have a word? | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
-Go play on the train tracks! -Now! | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
Dickhead! | 0:17:32 | 0:17:33 | |
She seems nice. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:36 | |
I spoke to Mum today. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
How is the old tart? | 0:17:39 | 0:17:40 | |
She told me she kicked you out cos you're so disrespectful. | 0:17:40 | 0:17:44 | |
That's bollocks! | 0:17:44 | 0:17:45 | |
-You just called her an old tart! -It's affectionate, | 0:17:45 | 0:17:48 | |
you mouldy sphincter! | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
So, if you've not been staying with Mum, where've you been sleeping? | 0:17:50 | 0:17:53 | |
You don't care, you'll only judge me. | 0:17:53 | 0:17:57 | |
No, I won't. | 0:17:57 | 0:17:58 | |
An alleyway. | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
Oh! For God's sake, you dirty little tramp! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
It's not that bad! | 0:18:04 | 0:18:07 | |
I mean, a dog did piss on me, but it kept me warm. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:11 | |
Is that why you've been hanging around? | 0:18:11 | 0:18:14 | |
Hoping that you can move in here? | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
Get over yourself, spunk breath. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
So can I stay? | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
If I wanted vermin in my flat | 0:18:21 | 0:18:22 | |
I'd invite round the cast of The Only Way Is Essex. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:25 | |
Fine, I'll go back to the alleyway. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:31 | |
And the next time you see me will be on the 10 o'clock news, | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
"Young, sexy girl found dead...covered in dog's piss." | 0:18:33 | 0:18:38 | |
Wait, maybe I can help you find somewhere to stay. | 0:18:39 | 0:18:43 | |
No, no, no! I'll find somewhere myself. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:47 | |
You still think I'm a silly little girl, | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
but I'm mature now, I'm different. I wouldn't want to stay here anyway. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
It smells like poo! | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
And you! | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
And you smell like poo, too. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:58 | |
Meh, pah! | 0:18:58 | 0:18:59 | |
OK, my little beaut. | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
Quick oil change, fan belt, | 0:19:05 | 0:19:07 | |
and we'll have you back on your feet in no time. | 0:19:07 | 0:19:10 | |
Let's have a look here. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:11 | |
HE GRUNTS | 0:19:11 | 0:19:14 | |
Are you taking the piss? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:15 | |
You're not the only one on wheels now, you know. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:19 | |
Ha-ha-ha! Who's the daddy! | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
OK. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:22 | |
HE GRUNTS | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
Right, then, let's have a look at you. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:36 | |
Come on. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:37 | |
Ah! | 0:19:37 | 0:19:38 | |
Little bastard! | 0:19:40 | 0:19:41 | |
Ugh! | 0:19:41 | 0:19:42 | |
It's all right, it's all right, I can do this. I can, I can do it. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
I don't need any help. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
Help! | 0:19:49 | 0:19:51 | |
Help, hello! Anyone? | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Help! Oh, Thank you. | 0:19:54 | 0:19:57 | |
Cheers, mate, thanks. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
You all right, babe? | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
Oh, God. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:04 | |
How you getting on, our Gaz? | 0:20:04 | 0:20:07 | |
I'm not your Gaz, and I'm fine, thanks. | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
You don't really look it. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:11 | |
I don't like to assume, but being in a wheelchair, | 0:20:11 | 0:20:13 | |
you're not really enjoying it, are you? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:16 | |
Oh, no, no, I'm having a pissing ball! | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
I don't want to be in a wheelchair, do I? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
I want to look after myself, but I can't. I feel so helpless. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
So, let people help you. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
I heard you were struggling to shag Donna. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:29 | |
Well, I am totally up for giving her a going over for you. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:34 | |
Are you serious? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:37 | |
It was your idea. | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
I didn't mean it! | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
Only as a favour, like. I'd try not to enjoy myself... | 0:20:40 | 0:20:44 | |
..but I would make sure she had a good couple of orgasms. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
I'm just caring like that, I want to help out. | 0:20:50 | 0:20:53 | |
Yeah, there's a way you could help me, Billy. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:59 | |
-Just have a quick look at that engine for us? -Yeah, course I can. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:02 | |
What am I looking at? | 0:21:02 | 0:21:03 | |
You'll see. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
-Twat. -Gaz? Gaz! | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
So, who looks like a complete moron now? | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
Dappy from N-Dubz? | 0:21:15 | 0:21:17 | |
No, you, you complete moron. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:19 | |
I've found somewhere to live, I told you I didn't need you. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:23 | |
I'm going to stay with Billy. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:25 | |
I haven't told him, but I know he'll help a damsel in distress. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
Or a dirty emo skank. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
Hi, Billy. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:33 | |
-Hi, erm... -Can I come live with you? | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
What? I don't even know you. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
What better way to get to know someone | 0:21:38 | 0:21:40 | |
than inviting them into your home? And bed, and mouth. | 0:21:40 | 0:21:43 | |
Look, I'm sure you're a really, really, nice girl, | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
but I don't think you're my type. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
Oh. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
I mean, I'm sure there's loads of people | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
-who like the whole zombie-tramp look. -Yeah. | 0:21:52 | 0:21:55 | |
Whatever...not bothered, really. | 0:21:55 | 0:21:58 | |
Excuse me, I just need to...adjust my nipple rings. | 0:22:00 | 0:22:04 | |
Oh, Donna. You look, um... | 0:22:04 | 0:22:06 | |
Frumpy? | 0:22:06 | 0:22:07 | |
Well, I was going to say "sexless," but frumpy, that works. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:11 | |
Good...because that's what I am now. | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
No more sex for me. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
It's probably for the best, | 0:22:17 | 0:22:18 | |
cos Gaz did not like our plan for me to shag you at ALL. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:22 | |
-What? You told him about that? -Should I not have? | 0:22:24 | 0:22:28 | |
Billy, it's never going to happen! | 0:22:28 | 0:22:32 | |
Despite your trim physique, lantern jaw and that fold in your jeans | 0:22:32 | 0:22:35 | |
that might just be the fabric, but even then... Hello! | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
So what you saying? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
I love Gaz. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:43 | |
Maybe he's not funny and I can't shag him, but I love him. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:46 | |
And I never should've treated him this way. | 0:22:48 | 0:22:50 | |
Oh, come here, you. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:52 | |
So, I'm not your type and that walking poodle-perm is?! | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
You slag bitch! | 0:22:58 | 0:23:00 | |
Oh! Cassie, what you doing?! | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
This knob-nicker's stealing my man! | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
Billy! | 0:23:09 | 0:23:10 | |
I'm all right, go find Gaz. And tell him you love him. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:14 | |
Oh, Billy, are you all right? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
-HIGH-PITCHED: -I think you might have broken my cock! -NO! | 0:23:18 | 0:23:23 | |
-All right. -Hello. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:28 | |
How did you get in? | 0:23:30 | 0:23:31 | |
I ordered a double pepperoni and a piggyback. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:35 | |
Listen, I know I said you can shag someone else, | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
-but I don't want it to be that Billy. -OK. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
Or anyone who's hotter, or younger, or cooler than me. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
Right, basically you can shag Arthur. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
I don't need to shag anyone. | 0:23:51 | 0:23:53 | |
I'm sorry. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:54 | |
I know you don't want me this way. | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
I mean, you only liked me because I was good in bed, I know that. | 0:23:59 | 0:24:04 | |
I love you because you're Gaz Wilkinson. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:06 | |
I should've known that all along. | 0:24:06 | 0:24:07 | |
I don't care that you're in that wheelchair! | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
-Well, I do! -Then let me help you! | 0:24:09 | 0:24:12 | |
I know things have been tough, | 0:24:14 | 0:24:16 | |
but we can deal with the changes together. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
And I will be here all the way, | 0:24:18 | 0:24:22 | |
because I love you. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
-I love you too. -Then... | 0:24:24 | 0:24:26 | |
Come here. | 0:24:26 | 0:24:28 | |
Gaz? | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
Yeah? | 0:24:38 | 0:24:40 | |
Have you got a massive hard-on? | 0:24:40 | 0:24:44 | |
Yeah. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:45 | |
It's just all this emotional stuff, it got the blood pumping. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:50 | |
Listen, you know how you said we don't have to do the sex stuff, | 0:24:50 | 0:24:54 | |
-I really want to shag you now. -Uh-wa-wa-wa-wa! | 0:24:54 | 0:24:57 | |
I'm helping you out, remember. | 0:24:57 | 0:25:00 | |
In what way? | 0:25:00 | 0:25:01 | |
The things I'm going to do to you. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:04 | |
SHE BREATHES EXCITEDLY | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
Typical Cassie, causing chaos! I've a good mind to call the police. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:13 | |
No, please, Tim. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:14 | |
I can't go back inside. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Oh, come on, Tim. Can't you just give her a chance? | 0:25:16 | 0:25:19 | |
She's had more chances than Ashley Cole. | 0:25:19 | 0:25:22 | |
All she's done is brought me trouble | 0:25:22 | 0:25:24 | |
and she's never even tried to apologise! | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
Well, I am sorry, all right? For all the things I've done to you. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:29 | |
And that's supposed to make it all OK? | 0:25:29 | 0:25:33 | |
-Forget it, I'll go. -Hang on! | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
What about the damage downstairs? | 0:25:36 | 0:25:38 | |
Oh, I'll heal in a week or two. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
-I meant the damage to the bar. -Oh. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
You can work here to pay it off. | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
You what? | 0:25:48 | 0:25:49 | |
And if you're doing that, you might as well live here. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
You're SERIOUS? Oh, Tim! | 0:25:52 | 0:25:54 | |
I mean, yeah, whatever. | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
This is beautiful, it's bringing a tear to my eye. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:01 | |
Though that might be me bruised bell-end. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:04 | |
Don't worry, Donna, | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
it happens to every woman at some point. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
What, that they pull out more moves than an Olympic gymnast, | 0:26:15 | 0:26:19 | |
ride you like a rodeo star | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
and give you the best sex of your entire life? | 0:26:22 | 0:26:26 | |
Aye, that's the one. | 0:26:26 | 0:26:30 | |
You know what? I feel so much better. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
It's like a massive weight's been lifted off my chuff. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
It was great. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
You know, maybe change isn't so bad. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:47 | |
All I had to do was lie there and let you do all the work! | 0:26:48 | 0:26:52 | |
That's what I'm going to do from now on. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:59 | |
-In bed? -No, no, ALL the time. | 0:26:59 | 0:27:01 | |
Well, I'll do whatever makes life easy for you. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
Because I love you. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:08 | |
Ah, I'm so lucky! | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
Right, then. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
Go on, scratch me balls. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
All right. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:19 | |
I need a job so I don't have to look after Gaz, | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
but I can't leave him on his own. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:29 | |
-Well, just, just go and sign on. -No! | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
Well, why don't you ask Billy? | 0:27:31 | 0:27:33 | |
I mean, he's so caring it makes my labia piercing tingle. | 0:27:33 | 0:27:37 | |
You're nothing like what I asked for. You don't have a Brazilian. Do you? | 0:27:37 | 0:27:42 | |
Billy flirts with everyone but me. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:45 | |
I could give you a makeover! You could see my Gok! | 0:27:45 | 0:27:49 | |
-Jesus, Donna! Your flat's on fire! -I know! And Gaz is still in there! | 0:27:49 | 0:27:52 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:10 | 0:28:13 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:13 | 0:28:16 |