Cheese Toastie Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

This programme contains adult humour

You're just some stuck-up little diva

whose ego's bigger than his tits!

She's a bit of a gobby cow, isn't she?

Hey, don't talk about my sister like that.

Is that Billy McCormack?

Do you know Billy McCormack? Why do you know Billy McCormack?

You can do everything for me.

Go on, scratch me balls.

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of flakies. #

Donna!

What now, Gaz? I'm not scratching your bollocks again.

I've already got a layer of scrotum under my nails.

No. It's something important.

Will you change the channel?

You're holding the remote.

Yeah, but the buttons are all pushy.

For God's sakes, Gaz.

What? You said you'd do everything for me.

But I didn't realise how humiliating that'd be.

You're acting like you can't do anything for yourself!

I am a disabled.

But you're still capable.

I don't want to be wiping your arse for you,

I'd rather help with the more important things you can't manage.

Like wiping your arse!

I need help.

You don't need help, you want a slave.

Basically, yes.

If you can't be bothered, you can hire me a nurse.

Hey, she could be like Barbara Windsor in the Carry On films.

No, no, sod it. She could be like Barbara Windsor now, I still would.

Ooh, the filthy bitch!

Well, you had a carer, Billy, and you told him to piss off.

Yeah, because he was mental.

Do you know what he said to me the other day?

"You look nice."

Yes, it's called being affectionate, Gaz. Remember, you tried it once.

After a shag you slapped me on the arse and said, "Good job, buddy."

I know, I can be a right soppy twat sometimes.

-He was just trying to be your mate.

-Well, I like blokes to act like blokes, not Billys.

And I like me nurses to be dirty sluts.

Well, you're not getting a nurse.

You gave up that entitlement by sacking Billy.

-Can't we just hire one?

-We can't afford to go private.

We've got no money coming in, what with me having no job.

Well, just go and sign on.

No! I'm the breadwinner now, out there winning bread.

It's a matter of pride.

Homepride.

You and your pride. It's pride is what's stopping you emptying out me piss bottles.

Look, Gaz, I'm gonna get a job and some money, and I'm gonna make sure everything's sorted.

Ah, is that cos you love me?

No, because otherwise I'm gonna take your piss bottles,

fill the bath with them, then drown you in it!

What about me, eh?

At least put something more wank-worthy on the telly!

-TV:

-'And coming up next, it's those Loose Women.'

You got lucky!

What's up, Billy? You've got a face like a slapped arse -

distressed, but appealing nonetheless.

It's this stuff with Gaz. I don't like not being liked, like.

Everyone likes me.

Normally, I flash someone a smile and a cheeky wink and they're putty in me hands.

Yeah, right.

TIM GIGGLES

I've got to make Gaz my mate.

Come on, Billy! Life's too short to worry that a couple of people don't like you.

-Who else doesn't like me?!

-I like you, Billy!

I figured that when you followed me into the toilet.

Oh, my days! I like him so much.

Well, go on, make your move. Pounce on him like Catherine Zeta-Jones on a pensioner.

Yeah, well, I appreciate your stupid advice,

but go shove it up your flapping arsehole.

Hi, Tim, how's it going?

Give me a job, I need a job, give me my old job back.

I'm sorry, Donna, I've no need for any more staff,

I've got an excellent new barmaid.

-Cassie.

-She's like Attila the Hun on the blob.

Yeah, well, I can't disagree, but I've realised that she only

treats people badly because of how she feels about herself.

As her caring big brother, I'm rebuilding her confidence by letting her work here.

It's really improving her people skills.

I told you, you gave me a tenner, not a twenty, you spunking knobhead!

Yeah, she seems much friendlier(!)

Have you got any spare shifts for a worker who knows how to be nice?

-Hiya, Donna, babe.

-Piss off, Billy!

Please, Tim.

Why are you so desperate?

I'm...I'm not desperate.

I just need to find a job so I don't have to look after Gaz.

-But I can't leave him on his own all day.

-Why don't you ask Billy?

I mean, he's so caring it makes my labia piercing tingle.

-Gaz hates Billy.

-Yeah, but it's only for a day, and you're desperate.

I am fairly desperate.

Billy. How are you?

Hello? Hiya, yeah, I'm looking for a home help nurse.

Preferably double-jointed.

And, erm, could she be Brazilian?

Could she have a Brazilian?

Look, just send a fit bird over who's willing to work for two quid a day, all right?

Hello...

Hello?

KNOCK AT DOOR

That was quick, didn't even give them the address. Come in!

-All right, babe!

-Oh, for God's sake!

How's the sexiest thing on wheels since the Fiat Cinquecento?

What are you doing here?

I'm here to look after you.

You're nothing like what I asked for. You don't have a Brazilian. Do you?

Nah. I tried it once though, made my junk look like a frozen turkey.

Well, that's ruined my Christmas dinner.

Donna sent me to take care of you, again.

But I hate you.

Ah, she said you don't hate me, you just need to get used to me.

See, that's what she said about sticking her finger up my arse.

She kind of had a point with that, but she doesn't with you.

I don't want you here being some weird womanly, manly man.

How am I womanly, babe?

You call me babe, you keep complimenting me,

you shave your pubes, and you're a nurse!

Oh, that stuff.

Fine, then I'll just... You know... It's just...

Oh, please, Gaz, you've got to be my mate, mate.

It's doing my head in you don't like me. Everyone likes me.

I'll do anything to make you happy.

Anything? Like a slave?

-I guess, though I'm not sure I like being called a slave.

-Silence, slave.

Right. Empty out my piss bottle.

Go on!

-Miss Henshaw?

-Yeah, hi. That is, yes, hello, good afternoon, even.

-Donna Henshaw?

-Yeah, that's me.

-Amy Evans.

No, Donna Henshaw. Come on, love, it can't be that hard.

No, I'm Amy Evans.

-We were at school together.

-We were?

Yeah!

Oh, what would jog your memory?

Donna Henshaw, you're a scag and a slag, your mum's a prozzie and you buy your clothes at C&A.

Amy! Of course! I didn't recognise you without you throwing eggs at me.

You were such a laugh, always shouting...

"One day I'll show you. I'm better than you, you thick bitches!"

Yes, that does sound like something I'd say.

Erm, well, you're doing well for yourself.

Yeah, shame I can't say the same for you.

No-no-no.

No, I'm not here to sign on. No, I'm just...

I'm seeking to continue my successful career

after generously taking time out to look after my very handsome

and well-hung boyfriend.

I see.

It looks like we don't have anything to suit your skill set,

so why don't you apply for Jobseeker's Allowance, just until something more suitable comes along.

If it ever does.

Something will come along.

I am highly employable. Highly! I don't need your charity.

I don't belong in a shithole like this.

Have you seen the people who come in here?

They reek of cider and they can barely stand on their hind legs.

Those are my work colleagues.

I see. They still reek of cider though.

What you looking at, knob eyes?

I'm curious. Why didn't you catapult yourself at Billy when you had the chance earlier?

Well, maybe I didn't want your giant moon of a face watching me while I did.

You are scared of making a move on him, aren't you?

You're more terrified than James Corden is of Ryvita.

You really are insecure.

I'm not insecure.

I won Miss Young Offenders 2010.

Though I did hospitalise most of the other contestants.

Isn't it funny?

Growing up, you always seemed so confident -

sitting on my head and punching me in the balls.

But now I see, beyond the thorns there lies a delicate flower.

You take that back!

You're sensitive and charmingly meek.

Billy would be lucky to have a girl like you.

Don't be thick. He's not interested in me.

But you've got loads of things going for you.

You're forceful. You're stern. You're forcefully stern.

Billy flirts with everyone BUT me. I'm just not hot enough.

Look, if it's your appearance you're worried about we can sort that out!

-I could give you a makeover, you could see my Gok!

-Ugh, rank!

My Gok Wan, stupid.

It's all about the confidence.

-You really are a cock.

-You mean Gok.

No.

Come on, slave, try and be more comfortable.

Sorry.

Sorry, what?

Sorry, Master.

No.

Sorry, Gaz, Master of the Universe.

That's better.

Why d'you want to become a nurse anyway, didn't you want a more manly job?

I did wanna be a professional footballer,

but me dad said I was a dreamer and I should find real work,

so I figured I'd go for the next most obvious job and be a nurse.

Oh. Why didn't you just have a fanny put in while you were at it?

-Stupid, snooty, stuck-up bitch.

-Who is?

Gary Barlow.

Hi, Billy, how's it going?

Permission to speak.

Not that well, thanks, babe.

There's nothing I can do that'll make Gaz like me.

Dinner's almost ready.

Hey! We call it lunch in this flat.

You call it dinner all the time.

Don't try and make me look stupid

while I'm trying to make Billy look stupid, right?

Honestly, Donna, I'm telling you, he's a twat!

Look, please just try and be nicer to Billy.

Can't you just look after me?

And how would we live without any money coming in?

Well, just sign on.

Hey, then you could be my slave! I'd get you a dog collar and a lead.

Can you really imagine me doing nothing more with my life

than wearing a dog collar and parading around on all fours?

You can imagine that, can't you?

Oh, yeah...

Well, stop it!

Because it's not happening. Do you know what?

I'll get a job. I'll show you - the best job ever!

I'll be like that woman off The Apprentice.

"Lord Sugar will see you now."

Fine, go on, you leave me with this idiot,

but nothing he ever does is gonna be good enough for me. Nothing! What's that?

Cheese toastie.

My God, it smells amazing.

Oh, my God, Billy! Oh! That is like...

It's like creamy liquid love's exploded in my mouth.

You have to grate the cheese to get it like that,

but I was willing to make the extra effort, since it's for you.

Billy, you're amazing.

I should give you another chance, I mean, you're good at one thing.

-Oooh!

-Wa-a-ay! One step at a time, sailor.

Come on, then, sister, let's see you!

What are you doing?

I told you to be in your bra and knickers

so I could assess your body!

And I told you to get painfully stuffed, you freak.

I'm noticing a lot of aggression here, Cassie.

Where's your femininity? It's like you've forgotten how to be a woman.

Well, of course I have! I've been in Young Offenders half my life.

If I acted like a woman, I'd either be beat up or felt up.

Sometimes both...

Brenda.

Then we must rediscover your inner diva. Let me see you walk.

Have you shat yourself?!

Here, look at how I do it.

Now do your womanly walk.

Hmm, maybe we should focus on the clothes.

Here, try these dresses on.

I bought them for Helena.

Turns out spaghetti straps doesn't really work with her biceps.

Why am I going along with this?

Because you want to ride Billy like a winter toboggan.

Yeah!

KNOCK AT DOOR

That's it! I can't get any work.

I tried to get a job at a make-up counter, but they said my skin was too greasy,

and then I tried at Wimpy, they said I wasn't greasy enough!

So, you finally ready to sign on?

No-no-no-no-no. I don't want to look really poor.

Oh, Donna! Life's not just about how things look.

Good God, you look awful!

Get back in there and try the other dresses on. Monster!

You monster! Oh!

Well, it's not just that.

If I sign on, it's like admitting I've got no purpose in life.

Oh, you would have a purpose - taking care of Gaz.

Oh! God, you're right.

I need to look after Gaz,

so the first step is getting rid of Billy before Gaz kills him.

And if he's already killed him I can help Gaz dispose of the corpse.

And it'd be nice to do something together.

Ah, that warms my heart, that really does!

Oh, Donna, before you go, would you like a confidence-building makeover

to help you realise how beautiful you truly are?

I think I'll pass.

Fat bitch!

Come on, Gaz, give it a go, I reckon you'd enjoy it.

I dunno, won't it make me less of a man?

Hey, if two guys like each other and want to experiment, that's perfectly natural.

All right, all right, all right, I'll give it a go.

You all right, babe?

There you go! You're pretty good at it.

Now suck my cock!

Ha-ha! I'm only joking!

It's not that bad, being a modern man.

I mean, we're still blokes, aren't we?

Course we are! Do you want a manicure, by the way?

Yeah, yeah, go on.

Right, Billy, sling it, Gaz doesn't like you!

BOTH: You all right, babe?

What's... What's going on?

I'm just hanging with my buddy.

You like Billy now?

Yeah, he's kind of grown on me.

He's dead sound!

But you said he was a prick. We agreed he was a prick.

-Erm...

-Shut up, you prick.

Don't talk to him like that, he's all right. It's all right, babe.

Thanks, babe!

You're welcome, babe.

But...but I was going to look after you.

I was going to be caring.

I was going to make a sacrifice!

Ow! Stop hitting me!

It's like being hit by a tiny, annoying Barry McGuigan.

You said you didn't want to look after me!

Well, no...

-You said you wanted to be the breadwinner.

-Well, yeah.

Right, so go and sort our money out like you were going to.

Right, fine.

I'll be off, then, to swallow my pride

and make an absolute cock of myself.

Well, see you, then.

Right, go on, where's this manicure? I'm starving.

-Back so soon?

-Yes. I don't want to do this,

but I need to make a sacrifice for the sake of my relationship.

-Do what, Donna?

-I need help.

I'm skint, properly skint.

Passing off dog food as chilli con carne skint.

So I guess I need to sign on, though I really don't want to.

I see.

My life's a mess.

My only two friends have buggered off, I'm struggling to take care of Gaz,

and it's all getting on top of me.

Donna...

And at school, I was a scag, but I wasn't a slag,

because I was too much of a scag.

You can stop now, Donna.

I can't help it.

I've been denying this stuff for so long.

I've been acting all proud,

and I've got nothing to be proud of.

You are perfect for the dole. Sign here.

Maybe things aren't so bad.

I mean, we've got a bit of money coming in, again.

Life's not completely shit.

And here's the amount of benefit that you'll be entitled to a week.

Shit!

How are you enjoying your film, babe?

Dance, Billy. Dance, you Geordie bastard, dance.

OK, but you know I'm from Liverpool.

No, I'm talking about Billy Elliot! You know, you're just like him.

Cos I'm called Billy, too.

No, no, no. His dad didn't believe in his dreams either.

You should follow your heart and try playing footy full-time.

I dunno...

Oh, come on! You've already got the body of an athlete.

-Eh?

-Well, you taught me a man can pay another man a compliment without it being weird.

You're the one to talk. You need a licence for those guns, babe.

Ah, these tiny things!

Nah, I'm top-heavy. You've got powerful thighs for sprinting after the ball.

-And your arse...your arse...

-Yeah?

Your arse is like your face, arseface.

-Eh? What's up, babe? What have I done?

-What have you done?

You've tried to turn me into you, that's what.

I'm nothing like you. I'm like Chuck Norris or Stephen the seagull.

I don't tell blokes they've got nice arses,

I don't say babe and I hate hugs.

Sounds like you need a hug.

I need you to leave.

-I thought we were getting on?

-Yeah, well, we weren't, so piss off, you fairy across the Mersey.

All right, then, I'll see you, b... See you, Gaz.

Yeah, go on! I should never have gone along with this in the first place,

I don't need looking after, I'm a bloke.

And you can piss off an' all, you twinkle-toed Geordie twat.

Come on, Cassie. Billy's here and he's looking even more miserable.

-Seal the friggin' deal!

-I'm not sure about this outfit!

Oh, come on! You look just like the kind of woman that'd get me excited!

See! Don't you feel confident?

I feel like a clown.

Like a confident clown.

Come on, just get over there

and use the power of Gaga before I put you in a dress made of meat.

Hello. Surprise!

Ah!

Was that a good "Ah"?

Are you supposed to be Elton John in drag?

No!

Are you supposed to be that mad transsexual who shadow-boxes in the park?

-No.

-Are you supposed to be...

-How about you stop guessing?

Donna! What's up with you?

I am being what I have become - dole scum.

Strong cider?

I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.

Either buy a drink in here or get out.

I can't afford your extortionate prices!

I will have you know, I am saving up for a Rottweiler on a string.

-Anyway, shouldn't you be with Gaz?

-Why? He's got Billy now.

No, he hasn't, Billy's right there.

Right, I am just pissed and brave enough to tell him exactly what I think of him.

Hey, Billy!

Tim.

Lady G.

God, I was so worried about Gaz not liking me, it's like everyone hates me.

No, they don't. And you shouldn't need everyone to like you.

If Gaz hates you, it's cos he's a twat.

I think you're amazing.

-Do you really feel that way?

-Well, yeah.

-I've been so blind not to see it.

-Really?

Yeah, Gaz is a twat.

I'm not the one with the problem, he is, the twat.

I'm going to go and tell him right now!

Oh, and...thanks, love.

Well, that was a miserable waste of time!

You weren't wearing that with confidence.

I thought I'd made you feel good about yourself,

you useless cow.

He called me love! He loves me!

Stupid, pissing Billy. Thinks I can't do...

I tell you what, I'm going to make a toastie, better than he ever did.

Right, get some bread.

Oh, Jesus! Oh, shit!

HE BLOWS

Oh, shit! Ooh! Bollocks!

Oh, shit! Oh!

OK, um... OK, that's a fire. Um...

OK, I need help now. Help! Help! Help!

Who's burning toast?

My chuffing flat!

My chuffing boyfriend! Gaz! Help!

Donna, what's going on?

Jesus, Donna, your flat's on fire!

-I know, and Gaz is still in there.

-What?

Billy, don't be a hero, don't be a fool!

Call the fire brigade!

Fire! Send everyone! Send the army!

Send Doctor Who!

Gaz! Gaz!

Gaz! Gaz! Gaz!

I've got you, Gaz, you're safe now.

Ooh, sorry, Gaz.

You dick!

You could say thank you to Billy.

What for?

For saving your life.

He didn't even bother to put the fire out.

He went back in and got your wheelchair out!

Which is now slightly singed.

Billy, get over here!

Gaz has got something he wanted to say to you.

Come on.

Thank you for saving my life.

That's all right. Sorry I was a bit full on with you,

I was just hoping I could make you like me.

No, I do like you, you just...

You know, you're a good guy.

You're just not as blokey as the other blokes I know.

Now this is how you wear an outfit with confidence.

-You could have done your bikini line first.

-Ooh! Nobody look at me!

I'm an abomination! I'm disgusting! I'm disgusting! Ooh!

You're not as blokey as MOST of the blokes that I know.

But, you know, I do appreciate you getting me out of the fire, thanks.

No probs. You made me realise what I want to do with my life.

What, look after people?

Nah, you kind of nearly died on me watch, I'm rubbish.

So, I'm going to give up nursing, I'm gonna try and be a footballer!

Cos God knows this country has far too many trained health care professionals

and not nearly enough overpaid sportsmen.

I know, yeah.

So, we're good?

Yeah, you're all right, chum.

Well, go on, you can try a bit harder than that.

-All right, come here!

-Ooh!

I'll get the drinks in!

Did he just kiss me?!

Let it go.

-Hi, Billy. So you and Gaz are mates now?

-Yeah, it's nice to know someone likes you, isn't it, Katie?

It's Cassie, dickhead.

(I love you!)

D'you know? Maybe this fire was a good thing.

I mean, after all, it's helped me make a new friend.

-Don't that make it all worthwhile?

-Worthwhile?

Erm, you're mates with somebody that you could've been friends with anyway

and now we are homeless,

broke,

all of our possessions have gone up in smoke.

So, I don't know, you...you tell me,

how in the HELL that's worthwhile?!

Pissing Billy!

It's so devastating to see your home this way.

Oh, my God, my porn cupboard.

I'll tell the whole of Runcorn a terrible secret about you.

Why have you got your muff out?

-Get a proper man's jar down your neck!

-I can't have any more drinks.

I've got to be rested for this trial.

My evil sister's trying to blackmail me.

Billy got pissed.

Everyone! There's something you need to know!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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