Browse content similar to Trial Schmile. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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-You told your carer to piss off. -What are you doing here? -Give me a job! | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
I've got no need for any more staff. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
You like Billy now? | 0:00:08 | 0:00:09 | |
-Surprise! -Aaargh! | 0:00:09 | 0:00:12 | |
Follow your heart and try playing footie full-time. | 0:00:12 | 0:00:15 | |
(I love you!) | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
-I thought we were getting on. -We weren't. So piss off, you fairy cross the Mersey. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:23 | |
OK, I need help now. Help! | 0:00:23 | 0:00:25 | |
Aaaagh! Gaz! | 0:00:27 | 0:00:30 | |
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it | 0:00:37 | 0:00:42 | |
# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now | 0:00:42 | 0:00:47 | |
# Just think I'll wait a while | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
# I'll have a pint of lager, please | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
# And a pack of flakies. # | 0:00:52 | 0:00:56 | |
Don't tell me. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:02 | |
Something's different about the place. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
It's so devastating to see your home this way, | 0:01:07 | 0:01:11 | |
not that you invited me round before the fire. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:13 | |
But I imagine it looked less shit than this. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
Oh, my God! Me porn cupboard! | 0:01:16 | 0:01:19 | |
Move! | 0:01:19 | 0:01:21 | |
Aah! | 0:01:23 | 0:01:24 | |
Fanny-tastic! | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
Oh! | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
Great(!) Meanwhile, I've lost all my clothes. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:32 | |
Even my Fat Willy's Surf Shack T-shirt. | 0:01:32 | 0:01:35 | |
I thought that would have survived a nuclear blast. | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
Maybe this fire was God's way of telling you to replace your hideous wardrobe. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
Oh, yeah? With all the money I've made from all the job interviews I've had | 0:01:42 | 0:01:46 | |
and had no replies from? | 0:01:46 | 0:01:48 | |
Maybe with what's left over, I could buy a yeti(!) | 0:01:48 | 0:01:51 | |
You should get your insurance money, soon, right? | 0:01:51 | 0:01:54 | |
I don't think there's a "knobhead torches flat | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
"while trying to make a ham toasty" clause in the contract. | 0:01:56 | 0:02:00 | |
Oi! | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
It was a cheese toasty. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:03 | |
Right, then, that should be covered(!) | 0:02:03 | 0:02:06 | |
Maybe this is a chance for us to take a look at our lives. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:10 | |
I mean, I was sat there surrounded by flames, thinking me number was up, | 0:02:10 | 0:02:15 | |
and then I realised something really significant. | 0:02:15 | 0:02:18 | |
I've not nearly got shit-faced enough. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
I need to organise a piss-up. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:26 | |
Hey, Billy, fancy getting pissed tonight? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:29 | |
-Go on, what d'you say? -I dunno. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
You're my mate now, it's your duty to go on the lash with me. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:34 | |
I've managed to get a trial tomorrow morning with Runcorn Rovers. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
It's part of me four-stage plan - | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
play for Runcorn, captain for England, become the nation's hero, | 0:02:40 | 0:02:45 | |
sell crisps. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
Oh, I see. See, I thought we were mates, but if your career matters more | 0:02:47 | 0:02:51 | |
than getting wankered with me, you should've left me here to burn. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
I'll get the petrol, finish the job. | 0:02:54 | 0:02:56 | |
All right. We go out tonight if it means that much to you. | 0:02:56 | 0:02:59 | |
See? You could learn a thing or two from me. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:02 | |
I know how to be a good mate. | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
-A drink might be nice. I'm pretty nervous about that... -Yeah, whatever, Billy. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:08 | |
Isn't it ironic, you two losing your home, and meanwhile, recently, | 0:03:08 | 0:03:13 | |
I've been asked to rent out a dirt cheap property? | 0:03:13 | 0:03:15 | |
That isn't ironic, Tim. That's useful information. | 0:03:15 | 0:03:19 | |
Oh. Well, what does ironic mean? | 0:03:19 | 0:03:21 | |
-Don't know. -Just tell me about the house. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
-I assumed you wouldn't be interested. -Take me there now or die! | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
Ta-da! | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
What do you mean, "Ta-da"? This is Janet's place. | 0:03:33 | 0:03:37 | |
I know. When she moved, she asked me to find some new tenants. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
Now, this quaint little abode is situated in an up-and-coming area | 0:03:40 | 0:03:45 | |
with stunning views of the nearby salt factory. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:47 | |
Knock it off, Tim! | 0:03:47 | 0:03:49 | |
Oi, I want to see the tour. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:51 | |
If you'll allow me to take you into the kitchenette. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:54 | |
We don't need to be taken into the kitchenette. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:57 | |
We have seen the kitchenette. | 0:03:57 | 0:03:59 | |
I lost my virginity to a trucker on the washing machine... | 0:03:59 | 0:04:03 | |
...in that bloody kitchenette. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:07 | |
-I'm sensing you're not happy with the property, Donna. -Oh, what gave it away? | 0:04:07 | 0:04:11 | |
My clenched teeth? My clenched fists? | 0:04:11 | 0:04:13 | |
My clenched fanny? | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
Don't you think it would be weird moving in here? | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
How would we get you up the stairs? | 0:04:19 | 0:04:21 | |
It would be like the Krypton Factor twice a day. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
You could put a mattress here in the dining area and sleep on that. | 0:04:23 | 0:04:27 | |
Well, that sounds glamorous(!) The toilet's upstairs too. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
-You could employ a temporary portable commode. -What? | 0:04:30 | 0:04:34 | |
He wants you to crap in a bucket. | 0:04:34 | 0:04:38 | |
Oh, I can do that. | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
-Come on, Donna, it's not like we've got much choice. -Great(!) | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
No job, no money, no clothes, sleeping in Janet's dining room, | 0:04:44 | 0:04:49 | |
clearing out your slop bucket. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
I've lost everything. | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
Yeah, I've lost everything, it's all gone. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
TEARFULLY: There's nothing left. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
SCREAMS: Nothing! | 0:04:57 | 0:05:00 | |
Aren't you a bit worried by this? | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
Nah, nah. Honestly, mate, I can crap in a bucket like nobody's business. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:06 | |
DOOR OPENS | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
Hello, beloved brother. | 0:05:13 | 0:05:15 | |
Oh God, this is it, isn't it? | 0:05:15 | 0:05:17 | |
This is when you kill me. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
No. I thought we could spend some special time together. | 0:05:19 | 0:05:23 | |
I'd rather you just killed me. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:25 | |
OK, I'll be honest. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
The other night I was out cow tipping | 0:05:27 | 0:05:30 | |
-and then this vicious gang of psycho Hell's Angels turned up. -Good God! What happened? | 0:05:30 | 0:05:35 | |
We had a right laugh! | 0:05:35 | 0:05:37 | |
They said I could join their gang if I ditched me BMX, so I need a motorbike. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:42 | |
And how are you going to pay for such a stupidity? | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
I thought you could get one for me. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
Ah, did you? | 0:05:47 | 0:05:49 | |
I'm not going to waste my cash on such frippery! | 0:05:49 | 0:05:52 | |
I've got sensible and important things to be spending my money on. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:55 | |
I'm saving up to see Cher in Vegas. | 0:05:55 | 0:05:59 | |
OK, how about you pay for my hog | 0:06:00 | 0:06:03 | |
or I'll tell the whole of Runcorn a terrible secret about you? | 0:06:03 | 0:06:07 | |
Are you trying to blackmail me? | 0:06:07 | 0:06:09 | |
Yeah! It always seemed like I'd be good at if my heart didn't belong to petty arson. | 0:06:09 | 0:06:14 | |
Well, good luck with that cos I don't have any secrets. | 0:06:14 | 0:06:18 | |
Which secret are we talking about? | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
The one that you're ashamed of, the one that haunts your every waking moment, | 0:06:20 | 0:06:24 | |
the one you pray may never be discovered. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
You don't have one, do you? | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
-Or do I? -Do you? | 0:06:29 | 0:06:31 | |
No. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:32 | |
Donna, why have you got your muff out? | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
I have no clothes. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:45 | |
But I need them not. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
And why are you talking like Yoda? | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
The fire has freed me. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
All my life I've been concerned with possessions and money, | 0:06:53 | 0:06:57 | |
and now that I've lost it all, I feel so calm. | 0:06:57 | 0:07:01 | |
I feel close to Utopia. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:02 | |
What, that gay club in town? | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Utopia is an idyllic state of being, Gaz. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
And also a gay club. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
Right. Well, as much as I'd love to listen to your guff, | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
and stare at your muff, I'm off to see Billy. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:19 | |
We're gonna get twatted tonight. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:21 | |
Don't forget about his football trial. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
Beware your selfishness, embrace selflessness. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:28 | |
-AS YODA: -Mm, the bollocks is strong with you. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
Right, you, cover your shame. | 0:07:33 | 0:07:35 | |
And your tits. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
-Come in. -Hi, Gaz. I'm here to see Donna. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
-Well, watch out. -Why? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:44 | |
Nah, you never know, you might enjoy it. Stranger things have happened. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:48 | |
Oh, God, Donna. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
Oh, God, Donna! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
Why are you in the raw? | 0:07:56 | 0:07:58 | |
Well, I've been freed from the shackles of clothing, | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
what with them being burnt to buggery. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
What troubles you, young Tim? | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
Well, my evil sister's trying to blackmail me. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
I've tried to play it cool but I've got more skeletons in my closet than fabulous scarves. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:12 | |
Well, the only man with something to fear is the one with something to hide. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
You must reveal yourself and you will be free-ee-ee. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
I'm sorry, love. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
You might like to get it all out but no-one's seeing my tinky-winky. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
I'm not talking about your cock, you cock. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
You must tell everyone your secrets | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
so Cassie has nothing to threaten you with. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
Well, it's an idea. Thanks, Donna. | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
Mm-hm. Peace be with you. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
And a bikini wax be with you. | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
Right. | 0:08:47 | 0:08:48 | |
Time to find some blackmail material. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
Just like Miss Marple. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
No, not Miss Marple. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:53 | |
Miss...Bastard. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
Yeah! | 0:08:55 | 0:08:56 | |
A-ha! | 0:08:56 | 0:08:58 | |
This melon is slightly past its sell-by date. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:02 | |
Yeah, that's crap. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:03 | |
Come on, your dumb-arse brother must have something he's ashamed of. | 0:09:03 | 0:09:07 | |
Oh, my God! Is that...? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
Oh, yeah, that's mine. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
Chuffin' jackpot! | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
Hey! Strap yourself in tight, my son. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:31 | |
The Gaz Express is picking up speed, and when it gets going, | 0:09:31 | 0:09:34 | |
it'll be like a ride at Alton Towers. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
Why's that? | 0:09:36 | 0:09:37 | |
Well, I'll be sat down the whole time | 0:09:37 | 0:09:40 | |
and you're gonna chuck your guts up! | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
-HE LAUGHS -Spending time with you is great, | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
but I can't stay out late and I shouldn't really drink. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:49 | |
I probably shouldn't have come out at all, like. | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Then why did you, eh? Don't do me any favours. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:54 | |
Cos you threatened to set yourself on fire. | 0:09:54 | 0:09:56 | |
Oh, yeah. Didn't seem so dramatic at the time. | 0:09:56 | 0:10:00 | |
Well, just take it easy. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
I had trials myself for Runcorn Rovers back in the day. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
They practically begged me to sign for them. It was embarrassing. I had to walk away. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:11 | |
I mean, I didn't want being a rich, successful footballer | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
getting in the way of me being a...mechanic. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
Hey, brother, I've got just the piece of juicy gossip I wanted. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:22 | |
Now, cough up the wonga for my Honda. | 0:10:22 | 0:10:24 | |
I'll do no such thing. I'm putting an end to your little scheme. | 0:10:24 | 0:10:27 | |
Everyone, there's something you need to know. | 0:10:27 | 0:10:31 | |
I never thought I'd admit this, but I am not a natural brunette. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:36 | |
I'm more of a chestnut sunset. | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
-Er, Tim, that's not what I was... -And, yes, I dye downstairs too. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:43 | |
The curtains match the carpet. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
That's great, if disgusting, | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
but that's not the secret I've got over you. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
Oh, bollocks. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:52 | |
Sorry, everyone. Me again. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
I have to confess I once put a cat in a wheelie bin. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:57 | |
I eat my own toenails. | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
I voted for One Direction. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:06 | |
Damn you, Cassie. Whatever you've got on me, I don't care. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
Oh, Tim, how's your wife? | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
Helena's fine. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
She's on a nationwide rugby tour. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:18 | |
See, I didn't even know she played women's rugby. | 0:11:18 | 0:11:21 | |
She doesn't. She's made it onto the men's team. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
All seems a little hard to believe, | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
especially considering the e-mail I read from her earlier. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:32 | |
-You saw that? -Little tip. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
Remember to sign off. Oh, and now your Facebook says, | 0:11:35 | 0:11:37 | |
"Timothy has a cock like a cheesy Wotsit." | 0:11:37 | 0:11:39 | |
So, about my motorbike. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Billy, you've been nursing that lady pint for an hour. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:47 | |
Get a proper man's jar down your neck. | 0:11:47 | 0:11:50 | |
I told you, I can't have any more drinks, Gaz. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:52 | |
I've got to rest for this trial tomorrow. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
This is our mate time. I can't get pissed on my own. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:58 | |
Well, yeah, I can. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
And I do. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:03 | |
Quite often, actually. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:04 | |
Probably got a drink problem. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
You're not even drunk at all. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:08 | |
I dunno, I feel kind of squiffy. | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
Squiffy? It's not even a word. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Billy, me boy, a few little drinks aren't gonna work. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
I will personally make sure under no circumstances do you get wasted. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:27 | |
Oh, shit. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
Oh, shi-i-i-it! | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
Are you Jesus? | 0:12:53 | 0:12:54 | |
You look daft. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
I don't think you're in a position to dole out fashion critiques. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
It looks like you had fun. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
Or you mugged a transvestite builder in a kebab shop. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:12 | |
Are you wearing a sheet? | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
I had to succumb to Western demands for clothing. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:17 | |
I nearly got arrested in the Co-op for indecent exposure. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:21 | |
And a Great Dane got... | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
..overfamiliar with me. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
-TEXT ALERT BEEP -Loud, loud, loud, loud! Shut up. | 0:13:29 | 0:13:33 | |
Oh, no. It's from Billy. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
Shouldn't he be at his football trial? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
Billy got pissed. | 0:13:38 | 0:13:40 | |
He's wound up on a barge in Salford. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Missed his trial by three hours. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
Oh, Gary. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
I feared this would happen. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:53 | |
Oi, it's not my fault he ended up on a barge. | 0:13:53 | 0:13:56 | |
Although I do kind of remember telling him it'd be funny to get on a barge. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:03 | |
You have to put this right. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:07 | |
Aren't you worried about channelling negative energy into the cosmos? | 0:14:07 | 0:14:11 | |
Not really. | 0:14:12 | 0:14:14 | |
Then aren't you bothered about letting down your new friend? | 0:14:14 | 0:14:17 | |
For someone who's at peace with the universe, you don't half nag! | 0:14:17 | 0:14:21 | |
I'll go and see if they'll give Billy another trial. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:24 | |
I mean, after all, I am the master of cunning. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:28 | |
D'you know what? | 0:14:30 | 0:14:32 | |
I'm really enjoying restoring cosmic balance. I am like the Buddha. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:36 | |
Or that bloke off Quantum Leap. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
I am gonna spread my message of peace and love to the people of Runcorn. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:44 | |
Right. | 0:14:44 | 0:14:46 | |
Have fun getting your head kicked in. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
Here you are - your own motorbike, | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
earned through dirty, underhand tactics. Happy now? | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
-Yeah, I am. -GIGGLES EXCITEDLY | 0:14:57 | 0:15:00 | |
But how did you afford it? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
I doubt you really care. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
I had to use my holiday fund. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:05 | |
Well, Cher will still be there in another ten years' time. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:08 | |
She'll be made entirely of plastic, but she'll still be there. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:13 | |
Anyway, it doesn't matter. | 0:15:13 | 0:15:15 | |
Just promise me you won't tell anyone what you know. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
God, you really are desperate to keep your secret. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
It's my private life and I want to keep it private. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:24 | |
-Even you knowing it bothers me. -That's pretty sad. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
Yes, well, welcome to my sad little life. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
If you'll excuse me, I'm off to eat my body weight in Jaffa Cakes. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:33 | |
Whoo! | 0:15:35 | 0:15:36 | |
Looking good, hippy tits. | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
I have come to spread my message of peace and love, | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
and you seem like the prime candidate. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:44 | |
Seriously, are you high? | 0:15:44 | 0:15:45 | |
I'm only high on life. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:47 | |
-And weed? -A little, yes. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
I have come to remove any guilt that you may feel | 0:15:51 | 0:15:54 | |
from blackmailing your brother. | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
Whaa, whaa! | 0:15:56 | 0:15:57 | |
I don't feel guilty. It's not my fault he's got all those shameful secrets. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
Tim gave you a job and a roof over your head. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
You should be helping him, not threatening him. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
You're right. I'll force him to tell his secret whether he likes it or not. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:10 | |
Yeah, that's not really what I had in mind. | 0:16:10 | 0:16:14 | |
Probably should have offered peace and love | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
to someone who isn't mates with Beelzebub. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:18 | |
D'you know what? At least I am who I say I am, | 0:16:18 | 0:16:22 | |
whereas you, you're not fooling anyone with your tree-hugging bullshit. | 0:16:22 | 0:16:26 | |
Ah! Well, you are lucky that I am calm and centred, | 0:16:26 | 0:16:30 | |
otherwise I'd rip your tits off and I'd smash your teeth in. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:33 | |
But that's not who I am now. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
Hear me, brothers and sisters. | 0:16:36 | 0:16:39 | |
Give up your superficial lives as I have. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:42 | |
-'# Money, money, money... #' -Oh, it's me. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
Hello, Donna Henshaw. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:48 | |
..Yeah, a job interview? | 0:16:48 | 0:16:50 | |
..Yeah, I can come this afternoon, yeah. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:53 | |
The universe must want me to show you the futility of your corporate pursuits. | 0:16:53 | 0:16:57 | |
All right, love, I'll see you in a bit. | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
Yes? | 0:17:05 | 0:17:06 | |
Hello. Hiya. I'm...I'm Gaz Wilkinson. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:12 | |
-I'm here about the trials you were having today. -I'm sorry, son. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:17 | |
I don't think you're what we're looking for. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:21 | |
Unless you're bloody good at heading. | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
Not me, stupid. | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
I'm here about Billy McCormack. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
McCormack. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:31 | |
He was supposed to come and see me at seven this morning, | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
but he didn't show up. | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
Yeah, that was because of me. You can't blame Billy for that. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:39 | |
I know how hard it is to get on the books here. I had trials here. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:43 | |
Oh, yeah, thought I recognised you. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
Well, I didn't get a fair chance either. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
I'd be playing for England and banging Cheryl Cole by now if it weren't for you lot. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:52 | |
As I recall, you missed your trial because you were pissed and overslept. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:57 | |
But you can't judge Billy like you did me. | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
We're totally different people. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
So why did he miss his trial? | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
He got pissed and overslept. | 0:18:04 | 0:18:06 | |
Shut the door on your way out, son. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
Please, please, just... just give him another chance. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
-I'll make it worth your while. -How much are we talking? | 0:18:12 | 0:18:16 | |
No, I'm not talking about cash. I'm skint. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
No, I was, um... | 0:18:19 | 0:18:20 | |
I'll give you my Morrisons loyalty card. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
Two more points, get a free chicken. | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
-No. -I'll lend you me porn. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:33 | |
-Get out. -It's good stuff. | 0:18:33 | 0:18:37 | |
-German. It's banned in six countries. It's very artistic. -Out! | 0:18:37 | 0:18:41 | |
-No, no, actually. -No. | 0:18:43 | 0:18:46 | |
I've got something I know will make you give him another trial. | 0:18:46 | 0:18:49 | |
You said what? | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
I said that if he didn't give you another trial, | 0:18:53 | 0:18:58 | |
I'd tell everyone that he touched me. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:00 | |
Touched you where? | 0:19:04 | 0:19:06 | |
Players' lounge. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
No, where on your body? | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
Me cock, of course. | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
So what did he say? Have I got another trial? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:18 | |
Well, yes and no. | 0:19:18 | 0:19:21 | |
No in the sense that | 0:19:21 | 0:19:22 | |
I've got a life ban from the club and he never wants to see either of us again. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:26 | |
And yes? | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
Yes if you get reconstructive facial surgery... | 0:19:28 | 0:19:34 | |
..and went as David Beckham. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
It's all right. Thanks for trying, mate. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
It's not the end of the world. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:43 | |
My four-point plan probably was a bit daft. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
Yeah, it was a bit. | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
I guess I liked the thought of earning enough cash | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
to look after me ma. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
-I was being silly. -You weren't being silly, Billy. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
I mean, silly... | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
Billy. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
Plus, it was a chance to prove something to me dad. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:06 | |
He always said I'd achieve nothin' and end up being a waster. | 0:20:06 | 0:20:09 | |
-Sounds like my dad. -Even if I hadn't gotten anywhere, | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
at least I'd know I tried to do the thing I love. | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
Still, we had fun last night. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
Like you said, you taught me | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
how to be a good friend and be there for you, | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
and it's nice to know that you'll always be here for me too, Gaz. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:29 | |
Gaz? | 0:20:29 | 0:20:30 | |
You look miserable. | 0:20:33 | 0:20:35 | |
No, I'm all right. I'm just a massive failure. It's cool. | 0:20:35 | 0:20:39 | |
Could I get a whisky? | 0:20:39 | 0:20:40 | |
You don't seem too happy yourself. | 0:20:42 | 0:20:45 | |
-Me? -I'm fine. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:46 | |
I'm just a jolly barman. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:48 | |
People don't want to see me being sad, they want me to pour drinks. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:51 | |
You're more than a barman. | 0:20:51 | 0:20:53 | |
You can't live a life pretending to be something you're not. | 0:20:53 | 0:20:56 | |
It works for 50 Cent. | 0:20:56 | 0:20:58 | |
I hear he's actually a ginger bloke called Kevin. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:02 | |
You should try being honest. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:05 | |
Nah, I'm fine. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:06 | |
I've always got my Jaffa Cakes. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:09 | |
Can I have another? I could do with a large one. | 0:21:09 | 0:21:12 | |
Me too. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:15 | |
I've pimped my snack. | 0:21:15 | 0:21:16 | |
You! | 0:21:24 | 0:21:25 | |
I know, I know, we didn't exactly hit it off last time. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:29 | |
You tried to bribe me and then accused me of sexual harassment. | 0:21:29 | 0:21:32 | |
You work in football. That's a normal day for you. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
I have a good mind to chuck you out that window, son. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
Please, please, just hear me out, please. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
Billy's a good bloke. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
I know he's thick as shite but he's a great footballer. | 0:21:43 | 0:21:46 | |
I just don't want him to be a failure like me. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
-I'm sure you're not a failure, son. -Huh. | 0:21:48 | 0:21:52 | |
You know, I wanted to be a footballer, have everything that goes with it. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
Trophies and... | 0:21:58 | 0:22:01 | |
women and money. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:03 | |
Women. | 0:22:03 | 0:22:04 | |
Women. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:08 | |
Now I'm just a crap mechanic, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
burnt his flat down and stuck in a wheelchair. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:17 | |
Sorry. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:20 | |
I'm sorry. | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
There, there. There, there. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
Thanks. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:29 | |
-Oh, my God, look, you're doing it again! -What? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:34 | |
Putting your big, sweaty, manly paws all over me. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
Even if I had, nobody'd believe you. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:39 | |
OK, OK. I'll give him a call and make another bloody trial, all right? | 0:22:43 | 0:22:47 | |
He can come round at 4pm. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
-Really? -On one condition. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:52 | |
That I never, ever see you again, you bloody bampot! | 0:22:52 | 0:22:56 | |
All right, you've been most reasonable. Thank you. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:59 | |
Thank you for coming in, Miss Henshaw. It's been very useful. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:06 | |
That was my simple aim. | 0:23:06 | 0:23:09 | |
I came not to impress but to enlighten. | 0:23:09 | 0:23:13 | |
It's interesting to meet someone with your level of experience who's so calm. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:18 | |
HIGH-PITCHED HUM | 0:23:18 | 0:23:20 | |
DING! | 0:23:25 | 0:23:26 | |
Well, this has been groovy, but I must depart. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
Donna, this is a bit radical but we'd like to offer you the job. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:34 | |
You what? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
We need a manager who can bring tranquillity to our workplace. | 0:23:37 | 0:23:41 | |
But I don't want to be your corporate lackey. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:44 | |
I've been freed from materialistic concerns. | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
We can offer you an additional 5,000 a year. | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
Money attracts me not. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:52 | |
Plus a company car and a clothing allowance. | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
I... | 0:23:54 | 0:23:56 | |
I would not want that. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
And this pen. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
I'll take it. Things, things, things! Give me all the things, all the things. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:09 | |
All right? What's happened to you? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:16 | |
I got a new job with loads of money. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:19 | |
I am going to be a high-flying HR manager in the exotic world | 0:24:19 | 0:24:24 | |
of chemical waste disposal! | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
-What happened to all the inner peace? -Stuff that. Look at me shoes! | 0:24:27 | 0:24:30 | |
Hey, have you seen Billy? I've got some good news for him. | 0:24:30 | 0:24:34 | |
Excuse me, everybody. My brother has a secret he needs to tell you all. | 0:24:34 | 0:24:38 | |
What are you doing? I haven't got any more money to give you. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
This isn't about money any more. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
You can't keep all these secrets. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
I tried to hide things in prison, but then the guards with those rubber gloves would find 'em. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:51 | |
Let me be your anal cavity search. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
-And have everyone judge me? -Screw them, they can think what they like. | 0:24:56 | 0:25:00 | |
Look, if you don't tell them, I will. | 0:25:00 | 0:25:03 | |
Fine. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:05 | |
The fact is, I've not been completely honest about where Helena is. | 0:25:07 | 0:25:11 | |
She isn't on a rugby tour. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:13 | |
I knew she wouldn't be on a man's rugby team. That was ridiculous. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:17 | |
No, no, that part's true. They're just not on tour. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
We've been having some difficulties in our relationship | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
and the fact of the matter is, | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
she's left me. | 0:25:26 | 0:25:28 | |
She's left me and she's not coming back. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
Ah. Don't you feel better, admitting the truth? | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
She's not coming back because... | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
I'm gay. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:37 | |
-What? -What? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:40 | |
What? | 0:25:43 | 0:25:45 | |
Tim's just come out. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:49 | |
Oh. Oh, all right. | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
I know this must be a shock to you all. | 0:25:53 | 0:25:55 | |
I didn't know that's why Helena left. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
I thought things weren't working out between you. | 0:25:57 | 0:26:00 | |
Yes, because I'm a big gay. | 0:26:00 | 0:26:03 | |
And you must be annoyed you can't blackmail me over it. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:06 | |
Hey, I wouldn't do that. It's nothing to be ashamed of. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
I'm actually a bit proud of you for admitting it. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:12 | |
-Really? -Yeah. | 0:26:12 | 0:26:15 | |
Not so much that you dye your pubes and listen to One Direction, though. | 0:26:15 | 0:26:18 | |
-So, you're sure you're gay? -Oh, yes. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:22 | |
It's always felt like something inside me wasn't content, | 0:26:22 | 0:26:25 | |
like my soul was undernourished. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
Plus, I couldn't stop thinking about cock! | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
-And I should thank you, Donna. -You should? | 0:26:32 | 0:26:35 | |
Yeah. Because seeing you with no clothes on and feeling nothing but mild disgust | 0:26:35 | 0:26:40 | |
really hammered home my feelings. | 0:26:40 | 0:26:42 | |
You're welcome. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:46 | |
Well, I always knew you were gay, mate. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
Really? What gave it away? | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
Just... | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
everything you said and did. | 0:26:54 | 0:26:57 | |
Well, thank you for being such wonderful friends. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:01 | |
My new life begins here. | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
I'll start with a Malibu and Diet Coke. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:06 | |
Looks like his new life's quite a lot like his old one. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:10 | |
Hey, Billy. I bring good news. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
Right? I got you another trial today. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
See? Told you I was a good mate. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:19 | |
-Trial schmile. -Billy, they're expecting you in an hour and a half. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:24 | |
It's all right. I'll make... | 0:27:24 | 0:27:25 | |
So, how are you gonna fix this, Gaz? | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
Cassie, Cassie. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
Go and accuse Runcorn Rovers' manager of sexual harassment, get Billy a trial. | 0:27:32 | 0:27:37 | |
D'you know what? I don't think blackmail's really for me. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:40 | |
I'll get Billy to shag you. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:41 | |
Yeah, all right. | 0:27:41 | 0:27:43 | |
See? Master of cunning. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:48 | |
I could be a Paralympian. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:51 | |
I keep thinking about Helena. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:55 | |
I wonder whether I've made the right decision. | 0:27:55 | 0:27:57 | |
You like cock. | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
-You can manage my training! -What? | 0:27:59 | 0:28:02 | |
I made a terrible mistake letting her go. | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
And I'm here to win her back. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
-Cassie, love? D'you want to go out sometime? -Seriously? | 0:28:06 | 0:28:10 | |
Right, you maggot. | 0:28:10 | 0:28:11 | |
It's time to get to work! | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:30 | 0:28:33 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:33 | 0:28:35 |