Browse content similar to The Gaz-Bot. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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This is a chance for us to take a look at our lives. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
-How's your wife? -On a nationwide rugby tour. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:06 | |
-Billy got pissed. -Oh shit! | 0:00:06 | 0:00:10 | |
I am going to be a high-flying HR manager | 0:00:10 | 0:00:14 | |
in the exotic world of chemical waste disposal. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:18 | |
She's not coming back because... I'm gay. | 0:00:18 | 0:00:22 | |
Go and accuse Runcorn Rovers manager of sexual harassment. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
I don't think blackmail's really for me. | 0:00:25 | 0:00:27 | |
-I'll get Billy to shag you. -Yeah, all right. | 0:00:27 | 0:00:31 | |
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink | 0:00:36 | 0:00:39 | |
# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it | 0:00:39 | 0:00:44 | |
# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now | 0:00:44 | 0:00:49 | |
# Just think I'll wait a while | 0:00:49 | 0:00:51 | |
# I'll have a pint of lager, please | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
# And a pack of flakies. # | 0:00:55 | 0:00:58 | |
(CLATTERING) | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
-All right, Donna? -You all right? | 0:01:10 | 0:01:12 | |
BLOWS AIR HORN | 0:01:13 | 0:01:15 | |
I've pimped...my ride. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
You have lost...your mind. | 0:01:21 | 0:01:24 | |
I was just thinking. Just cos I'm disabled, doesn't mean I can't have style. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:29 | |
Then how come you look like My Big Fat Gypsy Wheelchair? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
Allow me to show you my accessories. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Chrome hubcaps. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:40 | |
Customised flag. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
Sat-nav. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
There's a little extra. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:47 | |
-ROBOTIC VOICE: -Hello, Dinna. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
No, no, it's supposed to say "Hello, Donna". I'm just shit at typing. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:58 | |
And why are you doing this? | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
I've been fighting this wheelchair for too long. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
If I never walk, I want to be happy. I watched something last night | 0:02:03 | 0:02:07 | |
that shows that wheelchair people are the coolest people ever. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
I mean, this film here sticks very close to the Daniel Day-Lewis original. | 0:02:10 | 0:02:14 | |
Just with more hardcore sex. | 0:02:14 | 0:02:17 | |
"My Left Foot Fetish". | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
For God's sake, Gaz, why do you only get inspired by porn? | 0:02:21 | 0:02:25 | |
Eh! It's a deeply powerful art form. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:28 | |
Plus all the birds get their growlers out. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:32 | |
Now, I want to take on the world by meself. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
I feel I can do absolutely anything. Anything. Make us a brew, will you? | 0:02:34 | 0:02:38 | |
Make it yourself! | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
-ROBOTIC VOICE: -Lazy bitch. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
It's finally happened, Tim. Gaz is having a mid-life crisis. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:57 | |
Lucky for him I have a brilliant career that can fund all his twatishness. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:01 | |
Did you just shamelessly promote the fact that you've got a new job? | 0:03:01 | 0:03:05 | |
Oh, why, yes, I did. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
I've waited a long time for this opportunity. | 0:03:07 | 0:03:09 | |
I am going to be a brilliant HR manager. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:12 | |
Managing people's... happy...relationships... | 0:03:12 | 0:03:17 | |
It stands for "Human Resources". | 0:03:18 | 0:03:20 | |
(GIGGLES) | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
No, it doesn't! (GIGGLES) | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
Does it? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
So, are you excited about being in charge of your own team? | 0:03:27 | 0:03:31 | |
I'm shitting a brick. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:32 | |
I start in a week and I don't even know what HR stands for. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
At least you've got some direction in your life. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
I just don't know what I want since I came out. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:41 | |
Yes, you do! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:43 | |
You want to be all gay and fabulous. Why aren't you being fabulous? Be fabulous! | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
I don't feel very fabulous. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:50 | |
I keep thinking about Helena. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
I wonder if I've made the right decision, breaking up with her. | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
You're not attracted to her. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:57 | |
You can't fight your physical instincts. You like cock. | 0:03:57 | 0:04:00 | |
Not necessarily! | 0:04:02 | 0:04:04 | |
Helena could still get me going. Her rippling thighs, | 0:04:04 | 0:04:08 | |
her vein-ridden biceps, | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
the six o'clock shadow on her granite jaw... | 0:04:10 | 0:04:13 | |
Yum. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
You all right, Gaz? Looking shit. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
Yes, I am... | 0:04:20 | 0:04:21 | |
the shit. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:23 | |
Remember how you asked me to blackmail that manager | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
-to get Billy his football trial? -I do. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
-Remember how you promised to get Billy to shag me in return? -I do. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:32 | |
Do you want to sort it out before I rip your fingernails off? | 0:04:32 | 0:04:35 | |
I do. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
Oof, what I'd do to that boy! | 0:04:38 | 0:04:40 | |
I'd chuck him on the bed, and then I'd rip his pants off with me teeth | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
and then I'd scream... Oh! Hi, Billy! | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
Ha ha ha! | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
-Nice, isn't she? -Yeah. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:54 | |
Shag her. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
You what? | 0:04:58 | 0:04:59 | |
At least ask her out. It's thanks to her you got your spot on Runcorn Rovers. | 0:04:59 | 0:05:02 | |
If you bang her, you can tell me all the juicy details. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
I bet she goes like a malfunctioning Tickle Me Elmo. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:10 | |
SHE LAUGHS MANICALLY | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
-I dunno... -Just do it, dickhead. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
All right, then. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:19 | |
Hey, Cassie, love. You want to go out sometime? | 0:05:19 | 0:05:22 | |
Seriously? | 0:05:22 | 0:05:23 | |
Sure. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:29 | |
GIGGLES MANICALLY | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
I think I broke her. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
Wait till you stick your cock in her. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
Hey! Not going to mention me chair? | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
Oh, you've done up your chair! | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
Looking good. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
You know who you look like? | 0:05:52 | 0:05:53 | |
A bloke in a done-up wheelchair. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
D'you know... | 0:05:58 | 0:05:59 | |
All this stuff, it's just... It's not enough. | 0:05:59 | 0:06:02 | |
I need...I need to do more. | 0:06:02 | 0:06:03 | |
I need to do something that shows off how skill I am. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
Like being a Paralympian? | 0:06:06 | 0:06:08 | |
Don't be thick! | 0:06:08 | 0:06:10 | |
I need something better, something amazing. | 0:06:10 | 0:06:12 | |
Something that no-one else would ever think of. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
I know! | 0:06:16 | 0:06:19 | |
I could be a Paralympian! | 0:06:19 | 0:06:20 | |
Donna, I'm serious. I want to be a Paralympian. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
Well, it might not be as easy as you think. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:28 | |
You know, they don't just let anyone in. | 0:06:28 | 0:06:30 | |
It's not like Dancing On Ice. | 0:06:30 | 0:06:32 | |
Or England. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:35 | |
Yeah, but I really want to make this happen. I thought you'd be behind me. | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
Well, I am behind you. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:40 | |
It's just, I've just seen you get excited by stuff before - | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
you know, sports, meat pies, | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
shiny objects - | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
and you usually get distracted when something else pops up. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
Normally your knob. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
See, it's funny. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:56 | |
Usually when I try something new, you get involved and take over. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
What? No, I don't! | 0:06:59 | 0:07:00 | |
-Huh! -Well, only in a supportive way. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:03 | |
Huh-he-huh! | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Well, not in a bossy way. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:06 | |
Uh-hey! | 0:07:06 | 0:07:08 | |
Will you stop saying, "Huh-hey?" | 0:07:08 | 0:07:10 | |
I might have been bossy before, but I will turn over a new leaf once I am a manager | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
of happy human...relationship resources. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:21 | |
-Well, why don't you practise with me? -What? | 0:07:21 | 0:07:23 | |
Well, you could manage me training. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:25 | |
Well, I suppose it would be useful to give it a go. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:28 | |
Yeah, I can inspire and motivate you through support and encouragement. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:31 | |
I can help you find your potential, I can help you find your inner winner. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:35 | |
Hey! Ooh! Ooh, no, look. Eh, can you help me find me meat pie? | 0:07:35 | 0:07:38 | |
I lost it under the sofa on Tuesday. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
Well, why didn't you pick it up then? | 0:07:42 | 0:07:45 | |
I just got distracted. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:47 | |
By me knob! | 0:07:49 | 0:07:50 | |
Cab should be here soon... to take me to win back Helena. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:58 | |
Maybe a quick drink for my nerves. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
Ugh. Ooh! | 0:08:05 | 0:08:06 | |
Donna thinks I can't deny my physical desires, but that's just stupid. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:11 | |
I mean, when I look at you, Billy, all I see is a man. | 0:08:11 | 0:08:14 | |
I don't care about your body. | 0:08:14 | 0:08:16 | |
I don't think about you sexually. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:18 | |
I don't imagine your stubble brushing against my face as you kiss me tenderly. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:23 | |
Stupid Donna. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
So, I hear you finally asked Cassie out. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:30 | |
Won over by her unique charms, were you? | 0:08:30 | 0:08:33 | |
Nah, it's just cos Gaz told me to. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
Do you ever get the feeling that you're easily led? | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
I do ever get the feeling that I'm easily led, yes! | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Look, you should give Cassie a proper chance. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
I know she's not like the girlfriends you'd normally have. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
Ye-ea-ea-eah! | 0:08:46 | 0:08:48 | |
What do you mean, "Ye-ea-ea-eah?!" | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
Well, to be honest, I've not really went out with anyone before, not properly. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:54 | |
I just always felt there was something special missing. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:58 | |
Hmm, I felt like that. | 0:08:58 | 0:09:00 | |
Yeah, but it was a dick that was missing for you! | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
Well, maybe Cassie has that missing something. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:09 | |
Cassie has a dick? | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
No! She may have that something special you're looking for. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:16 | |
She's different from all the other bimbos round here. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:18 | |
Oh, is she? All she ever says to me is... | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
LAUGHS MANICALLY | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
Yeah, well, that's just how she acts around you. | 0:09:23 | 0:09:25 | |
It might be that you need someone forceful like her. | 0:09:25 | 0:09:29 | |
You should really take this date seriously. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:31 | |
-Oh, I dunno... -Oh, just do it, dickhead! | 0:09:31 | 0:09:33 | |
All right, then. | 0:09:33 | 0:09:34 | |
You know, me and this chair, we're going to win that gold, | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
and we're going to be famous, right, and we'll be asked on Top Gear | 0:09:39 | 0:09:43 | |
and then I'm going to tell Clarkson he's a twat. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:46 | |
Well, that's not fair, Gaz. | 0:09:46 | 0:09:48 | |
It's that Hamster wanker who deserves a kick in the nuts. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
It's true. | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
Right, I have mapped out a detailed training programme. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:56 | |
It says here, "Wash your bollocks." | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
How's that going to help me be a Paralympian? | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
Well, it's not. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:04 | |
It'd just be a welcome change. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:07 | |
So, to kick things off, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
let's go jogging! | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
Oh, great, yeah. How's that going to work? | 0:10:15 | 0:10:16 | |
No, no, actually, no. I'll give it a try. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
Let's go. | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
Are we in Widnes yet? | 0:10:24 | 0:10:26 | |
Or we could go wheeling... | 0:10:26 | 0:10:29 | |
you patronising cock. | 0:10:29 | 0:10:31 | |
You what? | 0:10:31 | 0:10:32 | |
I love you. | 0:10:32 | 0:10:35 | |
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Bit of a problem. | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
It's 11 in the AM. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:39 | |
So? | 0:10:39 | 0:10:40 | |
Well, me next wank's due at quarter past. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
Listen, I won't get me five-a-day if I miss me mid-morning tug. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:46 | |
Look, Gaz. I-I-I don't think you should masturbate for a bit. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:50 | |
Whoa! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Come again? | 0:10:52 | 0:10:54 | |
Or not, in your case. | 0:10:57 | 0:10:58 | |
Look, if you want to get fit, you've gotta retain all your vital fluids | 0:10:58 | 0:11:03 | |
and produce as much testosterone as you can | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
and then you'll be a real athlete... | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
with bollocks the size of space hoppers. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:11 | |
Whoa! No! You can't take my wank away from me. It's part of me. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:15 | |
It's what I've done for as long as I can remember. I've always been a wanker. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:18 | |
Well, from now on, no wanking, no shagging, and no wet dreams. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:24 | |
What?! I...I can't help me wet dreams! | 0:11:24 | 0:11:27 | |
Well, can you try, because I'm tired of thinking I've woken up | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
in a puddle of cream of mushroom. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
See what I mean? You're kind of being bossy rather than encouraging. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
No. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:39 | |
I am politely instructing you in your aim that you achieve your full potential. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:45 | |
Now, move it, you lazy twat! | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Excuse me. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:55 | |
Do you know Helena Claypole? I thought she'd be training here today. | 0:11:56 | 0:11:59 | |
She was, but we had to take her off after a nasty collision. | 0:11:59 | 0:12:02 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:12:02 | 0:12:04 | |
An ambulance drove past me on the way through. She wasn't in that, was she? | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
No. | 0:12:06 | 0:12:07 | |
That was for the three fellas she collided with. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
She's behind there. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
I'd give it a few minutes' rest, then you can stick your head round. | 0:12:12 | 0:12:14 | |
Righto. Thanks. | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
Oh, poor Helena. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:19 | |
This was a bad idea. I should go. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
Are you the physio? | 0:12:24 | 0:12:25 | |
Do I look like the physio?! | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
Damn. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:28 | |
I pulled something in my shoulder. | 0:12:28 | 0:12:30 | |
I really need some Deep Heat on it. | 0:12:30 | 0:12:32 | |
And as I was saying, I don't look like the physio | 0:12:34 | 0:12:37 | |
but I am the physio. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
Oh, yes, I am. I am that man. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:41 | |
Great. Rub in as much as you can. | 0:12:41 | 0:12:43 | |
If I must. | 0:12:43 | 0:12:45 | |
Are you ready for our big date? I'm so excited. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:52 | |
Just relax. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:53 | |
I've already had one of Tim's Valiums. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:56 | |
Although it might have been one of his worming tablets. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
So, what are we going to get up to? | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
Well, I thought we could do some of my favourite things, | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
like go for a lovely picnic in a meadow, | 0:13:04 | 0:13:07 | |
or go for a walk by a...a babbling brook, | 0:13:07 | 0:13:10 | |
or go visit a delightful... puppy sanctuary. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
Yeah, that would be lovely. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
All those little yapping runts doing their stinky turds all over the place, | 0:13:16 | 0:13:19 | |
then eating them, | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
then trying to lick their face with their filthy turd-covered...tongues. | 0:13:21 | 0:13:24 | |
Are you sure you like puppies? | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
Yeah! | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
It's kittens I can't stand. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
Cassie, I've got a feeling you're not being yourself. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
However could you possibly mean such a thing, pray do tell? | 0:13:32 | 0:13:35 | |
I know when you put on an act around me, I'm not thick. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:40 | |
Tim pointed it out to me. | 0:13:40 | 0:13:42 | |
Right, I see. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:44 | |
You're going to want to forget about today, then. | 0:13:44 | 0:13:46 | |
-I knew I needn't have brushed my teeth. -No. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
I'm still up for going out, I just want you to be yourself. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:52 | |
Look, let's do some of your real favourite things. | 0:13:52 | 0:13:55 | |
If you do say so, my dearest Billy. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Yeah, all right, then. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:00 | |
Look, if I knew you were going to be like this, I would have dressed normally. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:03 | |
Are you not dressed normally? | 0:14:03 | 0:14:05 | |
No, I took my nipple rings out. You can hear 'em whistling in the breeze. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:10 | |
Oh! I feel so alive after that. Don't you feel alive, Gaz? | 0:14:10 | 0:14:15 | |
Yeah, what, in the sense that I feel dead? | 0:14:15 | 0:14:16 | |
Right, now, I noticed some things that could do with improving, | 0:14:16 | 0:14:20 | |
so I'm going to use my expert managerial skills to inspire you, | 0:14:20 | 0:14:24 | |
and I'm going to start by giving you a shit sandwich. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:27 | |
Eurgh, what's that, like a dirty Sanchez? | 0:14:27 | 0:14:31 | |
No, it's where a negative observation of you | 0:14:31 | 0:14:34 | |
is cancelled out by two positives either side. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
For example... | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
You're way out of shape! | 0:14:38 | 0:14:39 | |
But your hair looks nice. | 0:14:39 | 0:14:41 | |
But you're a big, fat, stinking failure! See? | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
No, no, I thought it was supposed to be one bad thing followed by two good things. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:48 | |
You've just given me a piece of bread surrounded by two shits. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
Don't tell me how to encourage you, you dick! | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
This is what I'm good at. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
Yeah, not really feeling motivated right now. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
Well, you'd better get motivated, buddy, if you're going to win Friday's little race. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
What little race? | 0:15:07 | 0:15:08 | |
Well, it's more of a marathon. | 0:15:08 | 0:15:10 | |
I made some phone calls while you were throwing up in that lay-by | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
and I decided to sign you up. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
Donna, I'm not ready for a marathon, | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
and I watch cartoons on Fridays. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Well, not any more. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:22 | |
Say toodle-oo to Scooby-Doo! | 0:15:22 | 0:15:24 | |
I thought you weren't going to be bossy. | 0:15:24 | 0:15:26 | |
I'm only doing this because I believe in you. | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
This is all for you, and only you. | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
And also to prepare me for my new manager's job. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:35 | |
But mostly for you. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
Fine, but you will tone it down a bit, won't you? | 0:15:38 | 0:15:40 | |
Of course. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
MUSIC: "So Macho" by Sinitta | 0:15:44 | 0:15:46 | |
Right, you maggot. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:48 | |
It's time to get to work! | 0:15:49 | 0:15:52 | |
Go on, Gaz, smack him. Punch Jeremy Clarkson square in the face! | 0:15:52 | 0:15:56 | |
Harder! Harder! Useless! | 0:15:56 | 0:15:58 | |
That's it, yeah. Now you really hate this man. | 0:15:58 | 0:16:00 | |
Yeah, that's much better, Gaz! That's fantastic! Brilliant! Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! | 0:16:00 | 0:16:05 | |
-Hey! -What? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:06 | |
Uh! No! | 0:16:15 | 0:16:17 | |
Yes! | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
Yes. Absolutely brilliant. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:23 | |
SHE BARKS INSTRUCTIONS | 0:16:23 | 0:16:27 | |
Concentrate! Concentrate! Move it, you maggot! | 0:16:27 | 0:16:30 | |
Move it! Move it! Faster! Faster! | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
Go, go! | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
Yeah! Move it! Gaz! | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
Quicker! | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
Yeah, man! | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
Yes! Yes! | 0:16:42 | 0:16:45 | |
Um...yeah, thanks for that. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:49 | |
I notice you've got a lot of tension in your lower portions. | 0:16:49 | 0:16:53 | |
Is that why you bit my arse? | 0:16:53 | 0:16:55 | |
It's a new technique. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I'm here to patch things up with my wife, Helena. | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
Helena? | 0:17:00 | 0:17:01 | |
God, you're brave! | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
How dare you! | 0:17:03 | 0:17:05 | |
Helena has a beautiful side to her that no-one else sees. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
She happens to have grace, refinement and a rare elegance. | 0:17:08 | 0:17:13 | |
At times she can be delicate and demure. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:17 | |
At other times she can be a real lady. | 0:17:18 | 0:17:20 | |
HELENA FARTS | 0:17:20 | 0:17:22 | |
I made a terrible mistake letting her go and I'm here to win her back. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:28 | |
Well, looks like you can tell her - she's woke up. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:31 | |
Right, it's time to be bold and get what I want in life. | 0:17:31 | 0:17:36 | |
Yes, it's time to be... | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
balls! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:40 | |
I mean, bold. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
It's time to be big... | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
hairy... | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
bouncy... | 0:17:48 | 0:17:50 | |
Oh! | 0:17:50 | 0:17:51 | |
Bugger it! | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
It's OK! | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
I'm a physiotherapist! | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
So, how was it, visiting my world? | 0:18:00 | 0:18:03 | |
All right, yeah. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:05 | |
I didn't realise Runcorn had underground cage fights. | 0:18:05 | 0:18:07 | |
Well, you've got to know the right people, really. | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
Hilda down the post office, she usually keeps me informed. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
Well, did you enjoy it? | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
It was quite violent. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
But that fighter didn't get his entire ear bitten off. | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Oh, I know. Maybe next time, yeah? | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
It was a nice afternoon. | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
It was good to see you being yourself, Cassie. | 0:18:25 | 0:18:28 | |
Thanks. | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
What you doing?! | 0:18:30 | 0:18:31 | |
Well, we had a nice afternoon, shouldn't we screw now? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:34 | |
They can watch, I don't mind. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
It was a nice afternoon, but watching two guys batter the crap out of each other | 0:18:36 | 0:18:40 | |
doesn't really get me in the mood to shag. | 0:18:40 | 0:18:41 | |
Really? Does me. | 0:18:41 | 0:18:44 | |
It just wasn't very romantic. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
Well, you didn't want to go to the babbling puppy meadow! | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
Cos that's not you. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:52 | |
If I'm going to see if you have that special something, I need to see the real you. | 0:18:54 | 0:18:58 | |
I can be romantic. Come back tomorrow and I'll show you. | 0:18:58 | 0:19:01 | |
Billy, please give me a chance. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
OK. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
Awesome! I'll go get it sorted. | 0:19:08 | 0:19:10 | |
I can put my nipple rings back in now. The girls feel naked without 'em. | 0:19:10 | 0:19:15 | |
I'm telling you, it was absolutely amazing. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:19 | |
I gave this complete hunk a full body massage | 0:19:19 | 0:19:22 | |
and then showered with the entire team. | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
Ooh, ooh-ooh! (LAUGHS) | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
But other than that, telling your wife you might be straight went well. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:30 | |
Oh, yeah, you were right, Donna. I couldn't deny my physical urges. | 0:19:30 | 0:19:36 | |
I do like men a lot more than I like Helena. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
A lot more. | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
Well, so now that that's sorted, are you going to get a nice boyfriend? | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
Yes. Although I might lie low for a bit. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
Apparently the rugby club frowns on people impersonating physios, | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
touching up their players and stealing all their jockstraps. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
Anyway, I should get back to The Archer. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:58 | |
Cassie's probably burnt the place down by now. | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
Or forgotten to tape Glee. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
Well, look, if Gaz is there, send him home, will you? | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
His next workout started five minutes go. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
And if he's any later, | 0:20:07 | 0:20:09 | |
I'm going to give him a thousand push-ups, no dinner and the back of my hand. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:13 | |
Why are you acting like this? | 0:20:13 | 0:20:15 | |
Well, it's all practice for my new managerial job. | 0:20:15 | 0:20:17 | |
What are you doing? | 0:20:17 | 0:20:19 | |
Running a slave labour camp? | 0:20:19 | 0:20:20 | |
You're supposed to be working in HR and you've forgotten what the H stands for. | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
Haggis? | 0:20:26 | 0:20:27 | |
Human! | 0:20:28 | 0:20:29 | |
Gaz isn't a machine. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Don't talk that way about the Gaz-Bot! | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
He's got a wheelchair marathon on Friday that I need him to win. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:38 | |
What happened to being supportive and caring? | 0:20:38 | 0:20:41 | |
I am being very supportive and very caring. | 0:20:41 | 0:20:44 | |
And what if Gaz loses? | 0:20:44 | 0:20:45 | |
Then I'll kill him. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:47 | |
Hmm? | 0:20:47 | 0:20:48 | |
With my kisses. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
-So, is this romantic enough for you? -Sure. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
Romantic. | 0:20:58 | 0:20:59 | |
Scary. | 0:20:59 | 0:21:00 | |
One of the two. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:02 | |
You're not eating the meal I made you. | 0:21:02 | 0:21:04 | |
What is it? | 0:21:04 | 0:21:05 | |
Well, I wanted to make you something that shows who I really am. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
Are you a piece of broccoli? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
No, I'm a vegetarian. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:12 | |
What I'm trying to say is, I wanted to put a piece of myself on the plate. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:17 | |
Yeah, kinda lost my appetite. | 0:21:19 | 0:21:20 | |
And I thought I could sing a song I wrote for you. That's romantic, right? | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
-Well, sure. -And I got my favourite band to play it. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:27 | |
They're called Rectal Discharge. | 0:21:27 | 0:21:31 | |
Oh. Lovely. | 0:21:31 | 0:21:33 | |
Billy McCormack, this song really captures how I feel about you. | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
THRASH MUSIC PLAYS | 0:21:41 | 0:21:43 | |
-SCREAMS: -# I love you, Billy | 0:21:43 | 0:21:45 | |
# Raaaow | 0:21:45 | 0:21:46 | |
# I love you, I love you, I love you | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
# I love you, I love you, I love ya | 0:21:48 | 0:21:50 | |
# Raaaow | 0:21:50 | 0:21:52 | |
# Ow | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
# Ow. # | 0:21:54 | 0:21:55 | |
FEEDBACK WHINES | 0:21:55 | 0:21:57 | |
Thank you! | 0:21:57 | 0:22:00 | |
So, how was it? | 0:22:05 | 0:22:07 | |
I can't feel my ears. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:09 | |
Oh, God, I'm useless, aren't I? You don't like me at all. | 0:22:09 | 0:22:13 | |
I do, you've got loads of personality, | 0:22:13 | 0:22:15 | |
and for a tiny girl, you can't half scream loud. | 0:22:15 | 0:22:18 | |
But I don't know if you've got that special something. | 0:22:18 | 0:22:21 | |
How's about this for a special something? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:24 | |
Well? | 0:22:30 | 0:22:31 | |
Meh! | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
Great(!) | 0:22:35 | 0:22:37 | |
I'm sorry, Cassie. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:38 | |
It honestly isn't you. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
There's just something more I need. | 0:22:40 | 0:22:42 | |
I think I should go. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:44 | |
-Billy McCormack, you get back here now! -What? | 0:22:47 | 0:22:51 | |
-Get your arse over here! -Oh, I dunno... | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
-Do it, dickhead! -All right, then! | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
You...you should appreciate me. | 0:22:56 | 0:22:58 | |
I tried so hard to make you happy. | 0:22:58 | 0:23:01 | |
You should get on your knees and worship my fanny. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
What...what are you doing? | 0:23:06 | 0:23:08 | |
Getting on my knees to worship your fanny. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:12 | |
You what? | 0:23:12 | 0:23:13 | |
You're kind of getting me going. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
Are you into me bossing you about? | 0:23:16 | 0:23:18 | |
Maybe. | 0:23:18 | 0:23:19 | |
Tell me if you're into me bossing you about! | 0:23:19 | 0:23:20 | |
I am, yeah. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:22 | |
Maybe that's the special something I've been missing all this time. | 0:23:22 | 0:23:26 | |
I do like being told what to do. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
Well, if I'd have known that, I would have just said, "Snog me, you thick dick." | 0:23:28 | 0:23:32 | |
Kiss me some more, you giant twat bag! | 0:23:35 | 0:23:37 | |
Yeah, knee me in the balls and spit in me mouth. | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
Was that too much? | 0:23:47 | 0:23:48 | |
Nah, you're all right. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:50 | |
CHEERS | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT | 0:23:57 | 0:23:58 | |
CHEERING | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
GAZ PUFFS AND PANTS | 0:24:28 | 0:24:31 | |
ROBOTIC VOICE: I'm shagged. | 0:24:33 | 0:24:36 | |
Well, what happened, Gaz? | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
I thought we were making progress with your training. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
(BREATHLESSLY) Well... | 0:24:41 | 0:24:42 | |
Well, it turns out the others were much better than me, | 0:24:42 | 0:24:45 | |
right, so... | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
I tried to take a short cut using me sat-nav. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:49 | |
But then I remembered why I was going to throw it away. | 0:24:49 | 0:24:52 | |
It doesn't pissing work. It sent me via Manchester. | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
I'm sorry, love. I let you down. Sorry. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
No, I'm sorry. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
I was trying to be supportive but I pushed you too hard. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:05 | |
HR might as well stand for... | 0:25:05 | 0:25:08 | |
..."Horrible Rectum". | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
What does it stand for? | 0:25:11 | 0:25:13 | |
I still don't know. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:15 | |
-But come on, Gaz, let's go home, eh? -Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on, come on. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:18 | |
Oh! | 0:25:21 | 0:25:22 | |
Let's go. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:23 | |
GAZ GRUNTS WITH EFFORT | 0:25:23 | 0:25:26 | |
Oh! | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
I didn't realise you were here. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:34 | |
Funny that, seeing as I live here(!) | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
So, did you sort everything out with Helena? | 0:25:37 | 0:25:39 | |
I did, thanks. | 0:25:39 | 0:25:41 | |
I'm glad. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
You deserve to find someone you really want to be with. | 0:25:42 | 0:25:44 | |
What's going on here? | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
You're acting all...happy. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:49 | |
Did things go well with Billy? | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
Well, you could say that. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:53 | |
Cassie... | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
are you going to pour hot wax over me balls or what? | 0:25:56 | 0:25:59 | |
Get back in there, scum! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:02 | |
All right, then! | 0:26:02 | 0:26:03 | |
Lucky bitch. | 0:26:08 | 0:26:09 | |
You know... | 0:26:14 | 0:26:15 | |
when I was wheeling the wrong way round the M52, I realised, | 0:26:15 | 0:26:20 | |
them guys who finished half a day quicker than me, they're the cool wheelchair guys. | 0:26:20 | 0:26:25 | |
I can't be like that. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
But I can be like I used to be. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
And to do that... | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
I need to walk again. | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
I don't believe this. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
Have you been inspired by something other than porn? | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
Yes, I have. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
I'm going to help you walk again. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:48 | |
I'm going to support you properly - no more bossiness, just love. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:53 | |
Slightly bossy love. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
You know, I think | 0:26:55 | 0:26:56 | |
-I'm going to be a good HR manager. -Yeah? | 0:26:56 | 0:26:59 | |
Yeah, I've got to sack half the staff in the first week anyway, so... | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
Well, now that me training's over... | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
..there's a certain little thing that I can do again. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:09 | |
By which I mean shag you like a steam-hammer. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:14 | |
Er, I kinda worked that out. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
Come here. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:18 | |
Ooh! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
Oh! | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
Ohhh! | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
Now, there's something you should get a gold medal for. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:28 | |
ROBOTIC VOICE: Oh, yeah, Dinna. | 0:27:29 | 0:27:31 | |
That feels so good. | 0:27:31 | 0:27:34 | |
Feels like you've been at my cock with the meat tenderiser. | 0:27:40 | 0:27:42 | |
That's cos I have. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
Maybe football can get me walking again. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
I'm never going to find a nice man in Runcorn, they're all animals. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
I was wondering if we could have a chat about some feminine issues | 0:27:50 | 0:27:53 | |
that have been affecting me lately. | 0:27:53 | 0:27:54 | |
As long as I'm scoring off the pitch, I can never score on it. | 0:27:54 | 0:27:57 | |
You're all the same - only interested in the contents of my underpants. | 0:27:57 | 0:28:01 | |
Well, there's nothing in there. | 0:28:01 | 0:28:03 | |
Usually when I menstruate... | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
No! What is your problem?! | 0:28:05 | 0:28:06 | |
I've got to call it off with Cassie. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:09 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:28:17 | 0:28:21 |