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This programme contains adult humour | 0:00:02 | 0:00:06 | |
I just don't know what I want since I came out. | 0:00:06 | 0:00:08 | |
You want to be all gay and fabulous. why aren't you being fabulous? | 0:00:08 | 0:00:11 | |
Be fabulous! | 0:00:11 | 0:00:12 | |
You should get on your knees and worship my fanny! | 0:00:12 | 0:00:16 | |
Wha... What are you doing? | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
Getting on my knees to worship your fanny | 0:00:19 | 0:00:23 | |
Are you going to get a nice boyfriend? | 0:00:23 | 0:00:24 | |
I need to walk again. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink | 0:00:31 | 0:00:35 | |
# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it | 0:00:35 | 0:00:39 | |
# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now | 0:00:39 | 0:00:45 | |
# Just think I'll wait a while | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
# I'll have a pint of lager, please | 0:00:47 | 0:00:50 | |
# And a pack of flakies. # | 0:00:50 | 0:00:53 | |
-You all right, my Billy big baws? -Yeah. I'm just a bit shagged. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:02 | |
Why? | 0:01:02 | 0:01:03 | |
Cos of all our shagging. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:05 | |
(GIGGLES) We've been at it like rabbits, haven't we? | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
-Yeah. -S&M rabbits. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:11 | |
Yeah. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
S&M rabbits who like to stick kitchen utensils up their jacksies. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
Yeah. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:17 | |
That potato-masher might have been a bit much, though. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:21 | |
Now me farts smell like King Edwards. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:25 | |
Right, I'm ready for round two. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Get your trousers off and a stonker on. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:30 | |
Cassie, please. I can't manage any more sex. | 0:01:30 | 0:01:33 | |
Feels like you've been at me cock with the meat-tenderiser. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
That's cos I have. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:37 | |
I'm exhausted. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:41 | |
I don't want this interfering with me footie. | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
I've got to focus on me tackling, not me tackle. | 0:01:43 | 0:01:46 | |
Heading skills, not getting head. | 0:01:46 | 0:01:50 | |
And my dribbling, not your dribbling. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
Billy...you know all the other players' girlfriends? | 0:01:55 | 0:01:59 | |
Well, they're all really glamorous, aren't they? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:02 | |
Well, doesn't it bother you that I'm not like that? | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
Those WAGs smell like Paco Rabanne. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:07 | |
And they never wear the same pair of jeans twice. | 0:02:07 | 0:02:10 | |
I haven't washed these since 2008, | 0:02:10 | 0:02:12 | |
and even then, I found them on the pavement outside Scope. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:15 | |
But you've got your own style. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
A charity-shop-robbing style... | 0:02:19 | 0:02:23 | |
Anyway, I'd better get to training. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:25 | |
Hey, don't you want to eat your eggs? Keep your strength up. | 0:02:25 | 0:02:27 | |
Cassie, did you make these eggs with the whisk you shoved up me arse? | 0:02:27 | 0:02:31 | |
Maybe... | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
I might just have some toast. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Well, today's the day, Donna. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:42 | |
I, Gaz Wilkinson, am going to walk again. | 0:02:42 | 0:02:44 | |
I can...I can feel it in me bones. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
Not the ones in me legs, of course, but me other bones. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
(TELEVISION COMES ON) | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
Right, I-I just think you need to do more to walk again | 0:02:52 | 0:02:55 | |
than say, "I'm going to walk again," | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
and then watch endless repeats of Murder, She Wrote. | 0:02:57 | 0:03:02 | |
It's that Jessica Fletcher. I can't get enough of her! | 0:03:02 | 0:03:04 | |
Should be called Fanny, She Wrote. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
Or Murder, She... | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
Fanny... | 0:03:08 | 0:03:10 | |
Or just Fanny, Fanny, Fanny. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
You need to be more proactive to walk, Gaz. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
The physio said everything's fine. It might even be psychological. | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
You just need to find the motivation. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
Is there something that can make you get out of that chair? | 0:03:22 | 0:03:25 | |
I can't believe I'm doing this. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:36 | |
It's like something out of a filthy Generation Game. | 0:03:36 | 0:03:40 | |
You know, it's probably something that Jim Davidson actually suggested. | 0:03:42 | 0:03:46 | |
If anything's going to get me out of this chair, it's ultra-hard-core porn. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:50 | |
Here we go. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
-It's not working! -Go on, Gaz, go on. | 0:03:54 | 0:03:56 | |
Turn that page and see what that guy's doing to those blonde twins, eh? | 0:03:56 | 0:04:00 | |
-Only you can make it happen. -Yes. Yes, I can make it happen. | 0:04:00 | 0:04:03 | |
Oh, shit! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:06 | |
It's falling! Oh! Oh, shit! Oh... | 0:04:06 | 0:04:09 | |
You were so close, Gaz. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:10 | |
I think I'd be more motivated if you just did what the twins were doing, yourself. | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
I can't get my legs that high, | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
and we don't have a butter churn or a curious goat! | 0:04:16 | 0:04:19 | |
-I -could really do with a break from all this. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:22 | |
Fine. Why don't you just go and see your mates? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
See my mates? (SHOUTS) Hah! | 0:04:24 | 0:04:26 | |
Sorry, that was a bit dramatic, wasn't it? It's just... | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
..I don't really have any mates. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:33 | |
I miss having a girl to talk to. | 0:04:33 | 0:04:36 | |
You know, about girlie stuff that might be happening right now. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:42 | |
Oh? And you can't talk to me | 0:04:42 | 0:04:43 | |
-about girlie things? -Tampons! | 0:04:43 | 0:04:45 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing? | 0:04:45 | 0:04:47 | |
You know I have nightmares about them things. | 0:04:47 | 0:04:49 | |
Well, I'm going to go out and get myself a new friend. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:53 | |
Donna, friends aren't like toilet paper. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
You can't just pop out and get some more when you run out. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
Not that you do that with bog roll. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
I had to use a copy of Heat the other day! | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
It's weird wiping me arse on Paris Hilton's face. | 0:05:02 | 0:05:04 | |
You're not the first. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
I just know there's somebody out there who'd be my pal. | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
Somebody who'd understand the real me. | 0:05:11 | 0:05:13 | |
Somebody who'd listen to all my womanly woes and worries | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
and tell me, "It'll be all right," and... | 0:05:16 | 0:05:19 | |
Did you get any of that(?) | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
Yeah, course. | 0:05:25 | 0:05:26 | |
What did I say? | 0:05:26 | 0:05:29 | |
Summat about tampons. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:32 | |
Morning, campers. What a beautiful day! | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
Oh, Gaz, I heard how well you were doing in physio. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:43 | |
Are you using that pint as a motivation to walk? | 0:05:43 | 0:05:46 | |
No, Cassie won't hand it to me. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:48 | |
I love seeing people struggle. | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
That's why I've glued Arthur to the table. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
You seem in a good mood, Tim. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:57 | |
I found an exciting new way to locate potential suitors in the area. | 0:05:57 | 0:06:02 | |
You've put your phone number on the toilet wall again? | 0:06:02 | 0:06:05 | |
No, I've never done that! | 0:06:05 | 0:06:07 | |
Oh, no, I did that. Thought it might give you a hand. Or a hand job. Whoo! | 0:06:07 | 0:06:12 | |
I meant I popped down to the Carphone Warehouse | 0:06:13 | 0:06:16 | |
and bought myself what's known as | 0:06:16 | 0:06:18 | |
a smartphone. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:20 | |
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Einstein! | 0:06:20 | 0:06:23 | |
There's a warehouse for car phones? | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
Yeah. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Apparently, this smartphone can download apps, which is short for "applications". | 0:06:29 | 0:06:36 | |
You're a dickhead, which is short for "man with a dick on his head". | 0:06:36 | 0:06:41 | |
Anyway, there's an app here which will help me locate local gay men. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:46 | |
This is my chance to form a real spiritual connection with a kindred spirit. | 0:06:46 | 0:06:50 | |
Oh, what's it called? | 0:06:50 | 0:06:51 | |
Shagger. | 0:06:51 | 0:06:53 | |
That sounds filthy. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
Is there a straight version of it? | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
I'm sure it's not as dubious as it sounds. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:00 | |
I've already met a friendly sort. | 0:07:00 | 0:07:02 | |
He sent me a message. It said, "Hey!" | 0:07:02 | 0:07:05 | |
(MESSAGE BLEEP) | 0:07:05 | 0:07:06 | |
Oh! Oh, he's sent me a photo. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:09 | |
Oh, my God! | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
Oh, he looks very friendly... | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
and engorged. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
Oh, that's disgusting! | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
I can't even look at it. That's disgusting! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
It's disgusting! | 0:07:20 | 0:07:23 | |
Oh. How do you save photos on this thing? | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
So where's Billy the Stud, then? | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
He's gone to football training. Look, Gaz, you and Billy are mates. | 0:07:31 | 0:07:35 | |
I'm just a bit worried. | 0:07:35 | 0:07:37 | |
He acted differently with me earlier. I don't know if I've done something wrong. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:40 | |
Oh, that's given me an idea. Maybe football can get me walking again. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:45 | |
I'm sure your problem will sort itself out, love. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:48 | |
Did you even hear what it was? | 0:07:48 | 0:07:49 | |
Yeah, course. Summat about tampons. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:52 | |
Billy! | 0:08:01 | 0:08:02 | |
-What was that?! -Gaz! You've come to support me! | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Actually, I've come because... Well, football's the thing I miss most | 0:08:07 | 0:08:12 | |
and I thought if I watched you play my beloved game | 0:08:12 | 0:08:13 | |
I'd want to get out of this pissing chair. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Feel free to, "Go on, Billy, lad, get in there, son!" | 0:08:15 | 0:08:18 | |
Go on, Billy, get in there, son. | 0:08:18 | 0:08:20 | |
Anyway, I'd better... | 0:08:21 | 0:08:23 | |
Billy! Billy. | 0:08:23 | 0:08:25 | |
-You're really good at football, right? -Yeah? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
Yeah. Why are you playing like complete shite? | 0:08:28 | 0:08:31 | |
OK, look... you know I've been seeing Cassie. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:36 | |
Well, she is really into me. | 0:08:36 | 0:08:39 | |
And, well, she's kind of got a big appetite. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:42 | |
Oh, I get it. Eating all your food, depriving you of your vital nourishment. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:45 | |
No, she's got an appetite for sex. She wants to do it all the time. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:50 | |
You just won the Lottery, my friend. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:51 | |
No, you don't understand. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:54 | |
I'm always like this. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
As long as I'm scoring off the pitch, I can never score on it. | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
Yeah, I was like that when I was a mechanic, you know. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
You were crap at fixing cars after you'd had sex? | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Oh, no, during. | 0:09:05 | 0:09:06 | |
Yeah, man, trying to change a fan belt was a right bastard. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
It's time I took a stand. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
If it's affecting me footie, there's only one thing for it. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
Yeah, I've got to call it off with Cassie. | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
I admire your dedication, Billy, | 0:09:18 | 0:09:20 | |
but you're turning down regular sex, you thick twat. | 0:09:20 | 0:09:23 | |
That's it! | 0:09:25 | 0:09:26 | |
Oh, man, come on now, pass! | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
Quicker! What was that?! | 0:09:29 | 0:09:30 | |
Go on, babe, try and kick it back. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:33 | |
OK. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:35 | |
All right. I can do this. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:37 | |
Go on, babe! | 0:09:37 | 0:09:38 | |
All right, Gaz, this is it, this is your moment. | 0:09:38 | 0:09:40 | |
Come on! Beckham, eat your heart out. Let's go. Here we go. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:44 | |
Bollocks! | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
What can I get you, Donna? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:53 | |
Friends. That's all I need. Just friends. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
You could buy a drink too. I'm running a business here, not a drop-in centre. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:59 | |
Seriously, Tim...since Janet and Louise left, I've got no-one. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:04 | |
We used to be a three, now I'm a one. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:07 | |
I feel like that singer out of the Sugababes. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:10 | |
The original one left and swapped with that other girl, | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
then the moody one left so the Scouse one could come back. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
I can't keep up with them. | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
I'm sure you don't need to look too hard for a best friend. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:23 | |
I think you've already found that person. | 0:10:23 | 0:10:25 | |
Someone who works behind a bar. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
A loveable custodian with a devil-may-care smile. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:32 | |
Who's speaking to you at this very moment. | 0:10:33 | 0:10:35 | |
Me, you gormless bint! Me! | 0:10:35 | 0:10:38 | |
Oh, that's...that's really sweet, Tim, but...I need a female friend. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:42 | |
I've got womanly matters to discuss. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
Well, I don't mind talking about that stuff. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
OK, well, usually when I have my period... | 0:10:47 | 0:10:50 | |
Ohhh! | 0:10:50 | 0:10:52 | |
Oof! Oh, now I feel nauseous. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Right, I definitely need a girlie pal. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
Hey, I could talk to Cassie! She technically qualifies as a woman. | 0:10:57 | 0:11:02 | |
Well, yes, in the same way that Victoria Beckham qualifies as a singer. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
Mm. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:07 | |
So, anyway, how's it going looking for a male lover on your... | 0:11:07 | 0:11:11 | |
What is it again? | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
App. It's short for application. | 0:11:13 | 0:11:16 | |
Chuffin' hell! | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
And I've given up on that thing. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
It's nothing but a disgusting den of perverts flashing their private parts. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:23 | |
I've literally been on there for hours... | 0:11:23 | 0:11:26 | |
being disgusted. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:28 | |
I'm never going to find a nice man in Runcorn, they're all animals. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:32 | |
Don't say that. Well, when the right guy turns up, you'll know. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:36 | |
Hiya, can I get a gin and tonic? | 0:11:36 | 0:11:39 | |
Looks like the right guy might have just turned up. | 0:11:39 | 0:11:41 | |
I see what you mean. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:43 | |
Excuse me one moment. | 0:11:43 | 0:11:45 | |
Hello there. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:47 | |
Are you all right, Gaz? Hey, you've got mud on your face. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:55 | |
Yes, I know, I fell on it. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
It might not be mud. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
Hey, go on, Billy! | 0:12:00 | 0:12:02 | |
Kick some arse! | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
(GIGGLING) | 0:12:06 | 0:12:07 | |
Intimidating, aren't they? | 0:12:08 | 0:12:11 | |
Fit and shaggable, but intimidating. | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
Do you actually think they're sexy? | 0:12:14 | 0:12:16 | |
Yeah. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:18 | |
And you like the way they dress? | 0:12:18 | 0:12:20 | |
Yeah. | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
They look like cheap whores. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
Yeah. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:26 | |
He's gorgeous. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
He's like an angel. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
-Go and talk to him. -I don't even know that he's gay! | 0:12:36 | 0:12:40 | |
I'll find out... using subtle detective work. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:44 | |
Hi there. | 0:12:45 | 0:12:47 | |
Are you gay? | 0:12:47 | 0:12:49 | |
Yes. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:52 | |
Good for you. Keep chasing that rainbow. | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
Action stations, Timothy, he's a paid-up member of the brotherhood. Go on. | 0:12:57 | 0:13:01 | |
I can't! What if he's another dirty perv, like those Shagger men? | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
Then it's your lucky day. You've got to seize the moment - carpe penis. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:10 | |
He's coming. Talk to him, you'll be fine. Go on. | 0:13:10 | 0:13:13 | |
Hey. | 0:13:13 | 0:13:14 | |
Hey? | 0:13:14 | 0:13:16 | |
Oh, I know how this goes. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
It starts with a "hey", then you're flashing your wing-wang at me. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
Excuse me? | 0:13:21 | 0:13:23 | |
What's wrong with you, hm? Pervert! | 0:13:23 | 0:13:25 | |
What are you into? Fisting? Rimming? Shrimping? | 0:13:25 | 0:13:28 | |
Sorry, have I said something wrong? | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
You're all the same - only interested in the contents of my underpants. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
Well, there's nothing in there. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
Well, I mean nothing for you. Do you think I'm some sort of sex obsessive? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
It kind of sounds like you are. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
Er, yeah... Well, you wish! | 0:13:41 | 0:13:44 | |
Sorry to disappoint you, but you're not getting what you want from me. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
I just want a drink. | 0:13:47 | 0:13:49 | |
And to say hey. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
Oh! | 0:13:53 | 0:13:55 | |
Oh, right. Oh! | 0:13:55 | 0:13:57 | |
Hey! | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
Heh. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:00 | |
(SOFTLY) I think it's going very well. | 0:14:00 | 0:14:02 | |
God, I played like crap. | 0:14:05 | 0:14:08 | |
I might as well be in the England squad! | 0:14:08 | 0:14:10 | |
Look, I don't think you should come and watch me play any more, Cassie. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:14 | |
I know what this is about. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
You're ashamed of me. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:17 | |
No! | 0:14:17 | 0:14:19 | |
Look, I don't want to have to do this, but... | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
...maybe we should take a break for a while. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
Take a break? | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
We've been shagging less than a week! | 0:14:27 | 0:14:29 | |
But we've done it, like, a thousand times. | 0:14:29 | 0:14:31 | |
34 and a half, actually. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:33 | |
We got kicked out of the church halfway through. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:36 | |
We probably should have waited till after that funeral. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:39 | |
I'm sorry, Cassie, | 0:14:40 | 0:14:41 | |
but I've got to focus on me football. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:45 | |
Go on, then. You leave. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:47 | |
You walk out that door. Let's just see if you do it. | 0:14:47 | 0:14:50 | |
OK, bye. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:52 | |
He did it. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
Hi, Cassie! | 0:14:57 | 0:14:59 | |
Mate. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:00 | |
What d'you want? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
Well, I just thought that we could have a friendly chat, like comrades. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:06 | |
Sisters. Amigos, if you will. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:10 | |
I won't. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
Seriously, Cassie, if something's bothering you, you can talk to me. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
It's just Billy. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:17 | |
There's all these glammed-up tarts go to watch him play football | 0:15:17 | 0:15:21 | |
and I know he prefers girls like that to me. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
Well, then, you know what you've gotta do. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
You've gotta fight fire with fire. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:27 | |
Yeah! | 0:15:27 | 0:15:29 | |
I'll get some petrol and torch the stupid bitches! | 0:15:29 | 0:15:32 | |
No-o-o, Cassie. | 0:15:34 | 0:15:35 | |
Fire bad. | 0:15:35 | 0:15:37 | |
You've just got to beat them at their own game. | 0:15:38 | 0:15:41 | |
You've got to see their fake tans | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
and raise them a push-up bra. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:44 | |
-Yeah, I guess I could do that. -Yeah. | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
So, now that we've sorted out your problems, like good girlfriends, | 0:15:48 | 0:15:51 | |
I...I was wondering if we could have a chat | 0:15:51 | 0:15:53 | |
about some feminine issues that have been affecting me lately. | 0:15:53 | 0:15:56 | |
I guess. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:57 | |
OK, well...usually when I menstruate... | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
Ooh, what is your problem?! | 0:16:00 | 0:16:03 | |
But you're a woman. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:04 | |
In the same way that Victoria Beckham's... | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
Yeah, yeah, Tim's already done that one! | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
I'm sorry for going a bit mad at you earlier. | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
I've just had some bad experiences with men lately. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:16 | |
I understand. There are a lot of salacious guys about. | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
Woah! You said "salacious"! Are you sure you're from round here? | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
-Well, I'm from Frodsham. -Frodsham! | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
The Monte Carlo of the Northwest! | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
Is it as magical as people say? | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
It's ten minutes down the A56. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
The A56! | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
Ha! | 0:16:34 | 0:16:35 | |
You know, I'd really like to get to know you... | 0:16:35 | 0:16:39 | |
-um... -Leonard. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:40 | |
Yeah, school was a lot of fun for me(!) | 0:16:40 | 0:16:43 | |
Well, you seem nice, Leonard. | 0:16:43 | 0:16:45 | |
And so far, I seem crazy. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
Will you give me the chance to prove I'm not a batshit wacko? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:50 | |
(CHUCKLES) That sounds good. | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
Oh, but I need to pop out and do something. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:54 | |
Oh, I get it. | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
Is this because I accused you of being a pervert | 0:16:56 | 0:16:58 | |
and said you wanted to look at my wing-wang? | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
No, that stuff's marvellous. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:02 | |
I just left my phone in my car. | 0:17:02 | 0:17:04 | |
I'll come back. Trust me. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
I do! | 0:17:06 | 0:17:07 | |
Of course I do! | 0:17:07 | 0:17:09 | |
What's up, Tim? | 0:17:12 | 0:17:13 | |
I've been dumped! He's never coming back. | 0:17:13 | 0:17:15 | |
I've ruined my first chance at real happiness since Helena. | 0:17:15 | 0:17:19 | |
You've got it easy. | 0:17:19 | 0:17:20 | |
I was this close to kicking a ball again, with everyone watching. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:24 | |
Fell in a pile of mud, smells like dog shit. | 0:17:24 | 0:17:26 | |
I-I-I really want to walk again and I know I can. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:30 | |
I just... I don't know what's wrong with me. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
Well, if your physio thinks your problems are psychological, | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
maybe it's the sterner approach you need. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
Our old friend Mr Tough Love. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
I could get you angry, give you a load of abuse | 0:17:39 | 0:17:42 | |
and motivate you to get out of the chair. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
I'm game. How do we start? | 0:17:44 | 0:17:45 | |
You're a pathetic little bastard! | 0:17:45 | 0:17:47 | |
Oi, piss off, arsehole! | 0:17:47 | 0:17:50 | |
Oh, sorry! Was that part of the tough love? | 0:17:51 | 0:17:53 | |
Yes! | 0:17:53 | 0:17:55 | |
Ah! | 0:17:55 | 0:17:56 | |
Look at you! You're hopeless! | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
I can Riverdance and you can't. | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
# Hummin-na-na ner ner-ner-ner... # | 0:18:01 | 0:18:04 | |
But that's cos I'm not a loser in a wheelchair. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:08 | |
This is pretty good, cos I wanna get out the chair and batter you. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
Go on, let's crank it up a notch. | 0:18:11 | 0:18:12 | |
OK, OK. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:13 | |
Come on, drag your lazy, fat arse out of that chair, you useless invalid. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:17 | |
Why can't you walk like the rest of us? | 0:18:17 | 0:18:19 | |
Stoopid! | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
-Oh! -What you doing? | 0:18:22 | 0:18:24 | |
Leonard, I wasn't expecting you to come back. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
I think the clues were there when I said, "I'll come back." | 0:18:27 | 0:18:30 | |
I didn't realise I'd find you doing this. | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand. This is my friend. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
I was just helping him. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:36 | |
This always works! | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
Well, it usually works! | 0:18:45 | 0:18:47 | |
I'll see you, Tim. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:48 | |
Oh, no, Leonard, wait! | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
Oh. | 0:18:50 | 0:18:51 | |
Don't worry about it, Tim. He'll be back. | 0:18:51 | 0:18:54 | |
Will he? | 0:18:54 | 0:18:55 | |
I pissing well doubt it. | 0:18:55 | 0:18:56 | |
Look, Billy, I know you wanted us to have a break for a while | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
and I know you didn't want me coming here | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
but I thought if I dressed up a little bit... | 0:19:15 | 0:19:17 | |
-What are you wearing?! -What, you don't think it's sexy? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
Well, I didn't say that. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
Good, cos I'm wearing three things I've never worn before - | 0:19:21 | 0:19:24 | |
heels, perfume and knickers. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
They're right up me chuff! | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
But why? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
You like wearing ten-year-old ripped jeans and T-shirts with "suck me cock" on it. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:37 | |
Well, yeah, but you want me to be sexy like that lot. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
Well, it's why you've been avoiding me. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
Because I'm not some Oompa Loompa with bazumpas like them. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:46 | |
I love the way you are, Cassie. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
Really? | 0:19:48 | 0:19:49 | |
I thought you wanted me to be glamorous. | 0:19:51 | 0:19:54 | |
I thought you didn't fancy me. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:56 | |
No, I fancy you too much - that's the problem, love. | 0:19:56 | 0:19:59 | |
Anyway, they aren't glamorous. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:02 | |
Rita works down the sewers, | 0:20:02 | 0:20:04 | |
Sharon used to be a trained butcher | 0:20:04 | 0:20:08 | |
and Tracy used to be called Trev. | 0:20:08 | 0:20:10 | |
(SHE LAUGHS) | 0:20:10 | 0:20:12 | |
I'm telling you, Cassie, you're the best-looking girl here, hands down. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:17 | |
Really? | 0:20:18 | 0:20:19 | |
Well... | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
in that case, Billy McCormack, how would you like some company tonight? | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
No way! I've just said, if I spend the night with you | 0:20:28 | 0:20:30 | |
I'm gonna be crap in tomorrow's football game. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
Not happening - football's me life. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Oh, well, that's a shame, | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
cos I was thinking of tying you down, sitting on your face | 0:20:36 | 0:20:39 | |
and spanking your ball bag with a spatula. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:41 | |
Football's only a game. Right, let's go. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:46 | |
Wait, hang on. Aren't you in the middle of practising now? | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
Oh, yeah! Got caught up in the moment and all! | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
That's my man! | 0:20:54 | 0:20:55 | |
John! John! | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
John! | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
Well...thanks for meeting me, Hazel. | 0:21:03 | 0:21:06 | |
I hope you didn't think it was weird, | 0:21:06 | 0:21:08 | |
me putting up ads around town saying I wanted to meet people. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:11 | |
I completely understand. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
I'm very open-minded. | 0:21:13 | 0:21:14 | |
Is that a leather belt you're wearing? | 0:21:15 | 0:21:18 | |
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's nice, isn't it? | 0:21:18 | 0:21:20 | |
Tell me... | 0:21:20 | 0:21:22 | |
why do you think it's acceptable to wear a slaughtered animal around your waist? | 0:21:22 | 0:21:26 | |
It were three quid in Primark. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
Anyway, Hazel, um, now that we're pals there's something | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
I'd really like to talk to someone about. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
Tell me, Donna, are you passionate about the environment? | 0:21:37 | 0:21:40 | |
-..Yeah. -Really? | 0:21:40 | 0:21:42 | |
..Yeah. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:45 | |
Isn't it...isn't it terrible | 0:21:45 | 0:21:47 | |
how all them carbon fumes are making that oil leak everywhere... | 0:21:47 | 0:21:52 | |
melting those icecaps and killing all them poor polar bears? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:56 | |
And soon all we'll be left with is...an oily...polar bear... | 0:21:57 | 0:22:02 | |
on a defrosted... carbon-footprinted icecap. | 0:22:02 | 0:22:06 | |
Did...any of that make sense? | 0:22:08 | 0:22:11 | |
You clearly don't know what you're talking about, Donna, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
and the fact that you're wearing a leather belt says a lot about you. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:18 | |
Look, Stig of the Dump! | 0:22:18 | 0:22:19 | |
It doesn't make me a bad person | 0:22:20 | 0:22:21 | |
just because I'm wearing something that stops my trousers falling down! | 0:22:21 | 0:22:25 | |
I don't think we can be friends, Donna. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:27 | |
Oh, yeah? Well, what a crushing blow(!) | 0:22:27 | 0:22:28 | |
Why don't you go shag a tree, Bono?! | 0:22:28 | 0:22:31 | |
It's really nice having a new friend. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:35 | |
Especially after my boyfriend dumped me last week. | 0:22:35 | 0:22:38 | |
Not that I'd use you as a replacement for John. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:40 | |
Of course not! Huh! | 0:22:40 | 0:22:41 | |
Could you cut your hair short and let me call you Joan? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
Vot are you vearing? | 0:22:45 | 0:22:48 | |
Hm! Hey, do you like Justin Bieber? | 0:22:48 | 0:22:51 | |
..So, after I cut him up into small pieces | 0:22:51 | 0:22:53 | |
I put him in the deepfreeze and then I buried him in the woods. | 0:22:53 | 0:22:56 | |
How people consider that murder I've got no idea! Hm! | 0:22:58 | 0:23:02 | |
Next! | 0:23:02 | 0:23:04 | |
..You know what? I am having a really nice time, Anna. | 0:23:04 | 0:23:07 | |
Me too. I think you're really cool, Donna. | 0:23:07 | 0:23:10 | |
You're not a mass murderer? | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
Or a vampire or a Justin Bieber fan? | 0:23:13 | 0:23:15 | |
-Course not, silly! -Well, thank God for that. | 0:23:15 | 0:23:17 | |
(BOTH CHUCKLE) | 0:23:17 | 0:23:20 | |
It's just...so hard to meet other gay women round here. | 0:23:20 | 0:23:24 | |
I never stood a chance with Leonard. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
He's way out of my league. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:30 | |
He's from Frodsham, for God's sake! | 0:23:30 | 0:23:32 | |
Frodsham?! | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
What is he, a millionaire? | 0:23:34 | 0:23:35 | |
Anyway...what about me? I've still not found a girlie best mate. | 0:23:35 | 0:23:39 | |
(LAUGHS) She's still not found one yet?! | 0:23:39 | 0:23:42 | |
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) What, you still haven't walked yet? | 0:23:42 | 0:23:46 | |
Well, that's sensitive - I wonder why you ain't got any friends(?) | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
Because they were all eco-freaks, vampires and...predatory lesbians. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:55 | |
Predatory lesbians? | 0:23:56 | 0:23:58 | |
Just shut up, Gaz! | 0:23:58 | 0:23:59 | |
Why don't you just give up? | 0:23:59 | 0:24:01 | |
I could find a friend if I wanted. | 0:24:01 | 0:24:03 | |
Yeah! I could befriend someone as soon as look at 'em. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:06 | |
Even her! | 0:24:06 | 0:24:08 | |
Come to mama, bosom buddy! | 0:24:08 | 0:24:11 | |
Well! | 0:24:12 | 0:24:13 | |
Hello there, partner! | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
You look like a nice sort who'd enjoy a girlie chat. | 0:24:17 | 0:24:19 | |
Hm. | 0:24:19 | 0:24:20 | |
That's right! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:22 | |
So, have you got a name? | 0:24:22 | 0:24:24 | |
Kerri. People call me Kes. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
Well, that is brilliant! | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
(LAUGHS) Like the kestrel. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
..You know. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
The kestrel! | 0:24:34 | 0:24:35 | |
Called Kes! | 0:24:36 | 0:24:38 | |
You know, "Come to, Kes, come to." | 0:24:39 | 0:24:41 | |
You know, "Come to." | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
You're pissing me off now! | 0:24:43 | 0:24:45 | |
But... | 0:24:45 | 0:24:46 | |
-# VANGELIS: Chariots Of Fire -No! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
Gaz, you walked! | 0:24:59 | 0:25:02 | |
-You...you're walking! -Not right now, Donna. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:03 | |
I'm on me arse. | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
Not, but you got up and walked. You walked across the pub. You're on your feet! | 0:25:06 | 0:25:10 | |
No, Donna, I'm still on me arse. | 0:25:10 | 0:25:12 | |
-Stop ruining the moment! -Sorry. | 0:25:12 | 0:25:14 | |
Well, can you do it again, Gaz? | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
Come to, Gaz! | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
Come to! | 0:25:18 | 0:25:19 | |
Come on, Gaz. Try! | 0:25:19 | 0:25:21 | |
Er... | 0:25:21 | 0:25:22 | |
Think about how you'll be able to shag me up against the wall again! | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
And I'm up! | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
-Well... -Oh! | 0:25:29 | 0:25:31 | |
He's back! Oh, my Gaz is back! | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
Well, I guess I found me motivation. It was just me instinct to protect you, baby. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:38 | |
Oi, I haven't finished with you. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:40 | |
Oh, yes, you have, sugar tits. | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
You don't come in my pub and threaten my customers. Now, sling it! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
You gonna make me, Russell Grant? | 0:25:45 | 0:25:48 | |
You're the one that's gonna be seeing stars in a second, bitch! | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
Now, get out, you dirty biffer, and don't come back. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
And if you ever threaten my friends again | 0:25:54 | 0:25:56 | |
I'll open a can of whoop-ass on you and a big, fat carton of bitch-slap. | 0:25:56 | 0:26:00 | |
Leonard! | 0:26:00 | 0:26:01 | |
I didn't think you'd come back. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
Well, what can I say? Your drinks are reasonably priced. | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
I know you just saw me manhandling that girl | 0:26:06 | 0:26:09 | |
and threatening to bitch-slap her. Oh, you must think... | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
I think you're pretty heroic, Tim, sticking up for your friends like that. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:14 | |
And you're surprisingly forceful when you're angry. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:17 | |
I just... | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
How about you stop talking whilst I still think you're heroic? | 0:26:19 | 0:26:22 | |
You tend to say the wrong thing when you speak. | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
-Yeah, I just... -What did I just say? | 0:26:24 | 0:26:27 | |
That little piggy there went to market. | 0:26:30 | 0:26:33 | |
This little piggy went to town. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:35 | |
And this little piggy... | 0:26:35 | 0:26:37 | |
It tickles when I do it! | 0:26:37 | 0:26:39 | |
It's amazing, Gaz walking again. It is a miracle. | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
-It's a modern-day miracle. -Mm. | 0:26:45 | 0:26:47 | |
-Like Fearne Cotton's career. -Yeah. | 0:26:47 | 0:26:50 | |
So... | 0:26:50 | 0:26:51 | |
I guess you discovered something tonight when you failed to make any new friends. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:56 | |
What, that I'm a crap friend? | 0:26:56 | 0:26:57 | |
You're not crap! | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
You helped Gaz to walk again, you helped me with Leonard | 0:26:59 | 0:27:03 | |
and you helped Cassie with Billy. | 0:27:03 | 0:27:04 | |
You're right! | 0:27:04 | 0:27:06 | |
I am freakin' awesome! | 0:27:06 | 0:27:09 | |
So, what did I learn, then? | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
That you don't need anyone new because you've got us. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
And you can always talk to me about anything. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
Even stuff about your down-belows. | 0:27:19 | 0:27:21 | |
Really? | 0:27:21 | 0:27:23 | |
Of course! | 0:27:23 | 0:27:25 | |
So, what's been bothering you so much lately? | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
I missed my period, I think I might be pregnant. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
-..Go on, put that in there. -Look! | 0:27:35 | 0:27:38 | |
The guy at the bar's my ex. He's a complete psychopath! | 0:27:40 | 0:27:45 | |
I'm such a waste of space. I've done nothing worthwhile. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
I know something major will happen soon. | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
Ditch him. Or I will kill him. | 0:27:50 | 0:27:52 | |
You can only be with one of us. It's either him or me. | 0:27:52 | 0:27:56 | |
-Oh. Oh, Donna, it's the hospital. -Hello? | 0:27:56 | 0:27:59 | |
-Are you all right? -Yeah. I'm sure... They have to do some more tests. | 0:27:59 | 0:28:03 | |
I'd like to go out with you, Tim. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
Gaz? | 0:28:05 | 0:28:07 |