Shagger Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps


Shagger

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Transcript


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This programme contains adult humour

0:00:020:00:06

I just don't know what I want since I came out.

0:00:060:00:08

You want to be all gay and fabulous. why aren't you being fabulous?

0:00:080:00:11

Be fabulous!

0:00:110:00:12

You should get on your knees and worship my fanny!

0:00:120:00:16

Wha... What are you doing?

0:00:170:00:19

Getting on my knees to worship your fanny

0:00:190:00:23

Are you going to get a nice boyfriend?

0:00:230:00:24

I need to walk again.

0:00:240:00:26

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

0:00:310:00:35

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

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# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

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# Just think I'll wait a while

0:00:450:00:47

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

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# And a pack of flakies. #

0:00:500:00:53

-You all right, my Billy big baws?

-Yeah. I'm just a bit shagged.

0:00:590:01:02

Why?

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Cos of all our shagging.

0:01:030:01:05

(GIGGLES) We've been at it like rabbits, haven't we?

0:01:050:01:08

-Yeah.

-S&M rabbits.

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Yeah.

0:01:110:01:12

S&M rabbits who like to stick kitchen utensils up their jacksies.

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Yeah.

0:01:160:01:17

That potato-masher might have been a bit much, though.

0:01:170:01:21

Now me farts smell like King Edwards.

0:01:220:01:25

Right, I'm ready for round two.

0:01:250:01:28

Get your trousers off and a stonker on.

0:01:280:01:30

Cassie, please. I can't manage any more sex.

0:01:300:01:33

Feels like you've been at me cock with the meat-tenderiser.

0:01:330:01:36

That's cos I have.

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I'm exhausted.

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I don't want this interfering with me footie.

0:01:410:01:43

I've got to focus on me tackling, not me tackle.

0:01:430:01:46

Heading skills, not getting head.

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And my dribbling, not your dribbling.

0:01:500:01:53

Billy...you know all the other players' girlfriends?

0:01:550:01:59

Well, they're all really glamorous, aren't they?

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Well, doesn't it bother you that I'm not like that?

0:02:020:02:05

Those WAGs smell like Paco Rabanne.

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And they never wear the same pair of jeans twice.

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I haven't washed these since 2008,

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and even then, I found them on the pavement outside Scope.

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But you've got your own style.

0:02:170:02:19

A charity-shop-robbing style...

0:02:190:02:23

Anyway, I'd better get to training.

0:02:230:02:25

Hey, don't you want to eat your eggs? Keep your strength up.

0:02:250:02:27

Cassie, did you make these eggs with the whisk you shoved up me arse?

0:02:270:02:31

Maybe...

0:02:320:02:34

I might just have some toast.

0:02:340:02:36

Well, today's the day, Donna.

0:02:390:02:42

I, Gaz Wilkinson, am going to walk again.

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I can...I can feel it in me bones.

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Not the ones in me legs, of course, but me other bones.

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Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

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(TELEVISION COMES ON)

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Right, I-I just think you need to do more to walk again

0:02:520:02:55

than say, "I'm going to walk again,"

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and then watch endless repeats of Murder, She Wrote.

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It's that Jessica Fletcher. I can't get enough of her!

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Should be called Fanny, She Wrote.

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Or Murder, She...

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Fanny...

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Or just Fanny, Fanny, Fanny.

0:03:100:03:13

You need to be more proactive to walk, Gaz.

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The physio said everything's fine. It might even be psychological.

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You just need to find the motivation.

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Is there something that can make you get out of that chair?

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I can't believe I'm doing this.

0:03:340:03:36

It's like something out of a filthy Generation Game.

0:03:360:03:40

You know, it's probably something that Jim Davidson actually suggested.

0:03:420:03:46

If anything's going to get me out of this chair, it's ultra-hard-core porn.

0:03:460:03:50

Here we go.

0:03:500:03:51

-It's not working!

-Go on, Gaz, go on.

0:03:540:03:56

Turn that page and see what that guy's doing to those blonde twins, eh?

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-Only you can make it happen.

-Yes. Yes, I can make it happen.

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Oh, shit!

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It's falling! Oh! Oh, shit! Oh...

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You were so close, Gaz.

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I think I'd be more motivated if you just did what the twins were doing, yourself.

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I can't get my legs that high,

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and we don't have a butter churn or a curious goat!

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-I

-could really do with a break from all this.

0:04:200:04:22

Fine. Why don't you just go and see your mates?

0:04:220:04:24

See my mates? (SHOUTS) Hah!

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Sorry, that was a bit dramatic, wasn't it? It's just...

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..I don't really have any mates.

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I miss having a girl to talk to.

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You know, about girlie stuff that might be happening right now.

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Oh? And you can't talk to me

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-about girlie things?

-Tampons!

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

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You know I have nightmares about them things.

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Well, I'm going to go out and get myself a new friend.

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Donna, friends aren't like toilet paper.

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You can't just pop out and get some more when you run out.

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Not that you do that with bog roll.

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I had to use a copy of Heat the other day!

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It's weird wiping me arse on Paris Hilton's face.

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You're not the first.

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I just know there's somebody out there who'd be my pal.

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Somebody who'd understand the real me.

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Somebody who'd listen to all my womanly woes and worries

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and tell me, "It'll be all right," and...

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Did you get any of that(?)

0:05:210:05:23

Yeah, course.

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What did I say?

0:05:260:05:29

Summat about tampons.

0:05:300:05:32

Morning, campers. What a beautiful day!

0:05:370:05:40

Oh, Gaz, I heard how well you were doing in physio.

0:05:400:05:43

Are you using that pint as a motivation to walk?

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No, Cassie won't hand it to me.

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I love seeing people struggle.

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That's why I've glued Arthur to the table.

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You seem in a good mood, Tim.

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I found an exciting new way to locate potential suitors in the area.

0:05:570:06:02

You've put your phone number on the toilet wall again?

0:06:020:06:05

No, I've never done that!

0:06:050:06:07

Oh, no, I did that. Thought it might give you a hand. Or a hand job. Whoo!

0:06:070:06:12

I meant I popped down to the Carphone Warehouse

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and bought myself what's known as

0:06:160:06:18

a smartphone.

0:06:180:06:20

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Einstein!

0:06:200:06:23

There's a warehouse for car phones?

0:06:240:06:27

Yeah.

0:06:270:06:29

Apparently, this smartphone can download apps, which is short for "applications".

0:06:290:06:36

You're a dickhead, which is short for "man with a dick on his head".

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Anyway, there's an app here which will help me locate local gay men.

0:06:410:06:46

This is my chance to form a real spiritual connection with a kindred spirit.

0:06:460:06:50

Oh, what's it called?

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Shagger.

0:06:510:06:53

That sounds filthy.

0:06:530:06:55

Is there a straight version of it?

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I'm sure it's not as dubious as it sounds.

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I've already met a friendly sort.

0:07:000:07:02

He sent me a message. It said, "Hey!"

0:07:020:07:05

(MESSAGE BLEEP)

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Oh! Oh, he's sent me a photo.

0:07:060:07:09

Oh, my God!

0:07:090:07:11

Oh, he looks very friendly...

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and engorged.

0:07:130:07:15

Oh, that's disgusting!

0:07:150:07:17

I can't even look at it. That's disgusting!

0:07:170:07:20

It's disgusting!

0:07:200:07:23

Oh. How do you save photos on this thing?

0:07:240:07:27

So where's Billy the Stud, then?

0:07:290:07:31

He's gone to football training. Look, Gaz, you and Billy are mates.

0:07:310:07:35

I'm just a bit worried.

0:07:350:07:37

He acted differently with me earlier. I don't know if I've done something wrong.

0:07:370:07:40

Oh, that's given me an idea. Maybe football can get me walking again.

0:07:400:07:45

I'm sure your problem will sort itself out, love.

0:07:450:07:48

Did you even hear what it was?

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Yeah, course. Summat about tampons.

0:07:490:07:52

Billy!

0:08:010:08:02

-What was that?!

-Gaz! You've come to support me!

0:08:040:08:07

Actually, I've come because... Well, football's the thing I miss most

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and I thought if I watched you play my beloved game

0:08:120:08:13

I'd want to get out of this pissing chair.

0:08:130:08:15

Feel free to, "Go on, Billy, lad, get in there, son!"

0:08:150:08:18

Go on, Billy, get in there, son.

0:08:180:08:20

Anyway, I'd better...

0:08:210:08:23

Billy! Billy.

0:08:230:08:25

-You're really good at football, right?

-Yeah?

0:08:250:08:28

Yeah. Why are you playing like complete shite?

0:08:280:08:31

OK, look... you know I've been seeing Cassie.

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Well, she is really into me.

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And, well, she's kind of got a big appetite.

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Oh, I get it. Eating all your food, depriving you of your vital nourishment.

0:08:420:08:45

No, she's got an appetite for sex. She wants to do it all the time.

0:08:450:08:50

You just won the Lottery, my friend.

0:08:500:08:51

No, you don't understand.

0:08:530:08:54

I'm always like this.

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As long as I'm scoring off the pitch, I can never score on it.

0:08:560:08:59

Yeah, I was like that when I was a mechanic, you know.

0:08:590:09:02

You were crap at fixing cars after you'd had sex?

0:09:020:09:05

Oh, no, during.

0:09:050:09:06

Yeah, man, trying to change a fan belt was a right bastard.

0:09:070:09:10

It's time I took a stand.

0:09:100:09:12

If it's affecting me footie, there's only one thing for it.

0:09:120:09:15

Yeah, I've got to call it off with Cassie.

0:09:150:09:18

I admire your dedication, Billy,

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but you're turning down regular sex, you thick twat.

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That's it!

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Oh, man, come on now, pass!

0:09:260:09:29

Quicker! What was that?!

0:09:290:09:30

Go on, babe, try and kick it back.

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OK.

0:09:340:09:35

All right. I can do this.

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Go on, babe!

0:09:370:09:38

All right, Gaz, this is it, this is your moment.

0:09:380:09:40

Come on! Beckham, eat your heart out. Let's go. Here we go.

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Bollocks!

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What can I get you, Donna?

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Friends. That's all I need. Just friends.

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You could buy a drink too. I'm running a business here, not a drop-in centre.

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Seriously, Tim...since Janet and Louise left, I've got no-one.

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We used to be a three, now I'm a one.

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I feel like that singer out of the Sugababes.

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The original one left and swapped with that other girl,

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then the moody one left so the Scouse one could come back.

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I can't keep up with them.

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I'm sure you don't need to look too hard for a best friend.

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I think you've already found that person.

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Someone who works behind a bar.

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A loveable custodian with a devil-may-care smile.

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Who's speaking to you at this very moment.

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Me, you gormless bint! Me!

0:10:350:10:38

Oh, that's...that's really sweet, Tim, but...I need a female friend.

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I've got womanly matters to discuss.

0:10:420:10:44

Well, I don't mind talking about that stuff.

0:10:440:10:47

OK, well, usually when I have my period...

0:10:470:10:50

Ohhh!

0:10:500:10:52

Oof! Oh, now I feel nauseous.

0:10:520:10:55

Right, I definitely need a girlie pal.

0:10:550:10:57

Hey, I could talk to Cassie! She technically qualifies as a woman.

0:10:570:11:02

Well, yes, in the same way that Victoria Beckham qualifies as a singer.

0:11:020:11:06

Mm.

0:11:060:11:07

So, anyway, how's it going looking for a male lover on your...

0:11:070:11:11

What is it again?

0:11:110:11:13

App. It's short for application.

0:11:130:11:16

Chuffin' hell!

0:11:160:11:17

And I've given up on that thing.

0:11:170:11:19

It's nothing but a disgusting den of perverts flashing their private parts.

0:11:190:11:23

I've literally been on there for hours...

0:11:230:11:26

being disgusted.

0:11:260:11:28

I'm never going to find a nice man in Runcorn, they're all animals.

0:11:290:11:32

Don't say that. Well, when the right guy turns up, you'll know.

0:11:320:11:36

Hiya, can I get a gin and tonic?

0:11:360:11:39

Looks like the right guy might have just turned up.

0:11:390:11:41

I see what you mean.

0:11:410:11:43

Excuse me one moment.

0:11:430:11:45

Hello there.

0:11:450:11:47

Are you all right, Gaz? Hey, you've got mud on your face.

0:11:520:11:55

Yes, I know, I fell on it.

0:11:550:11:57

It might not be mud.

0:11:580:12:00

Hey, go on, Billy!

0:12:000:12:02

Kick some arse!

0:12:040:12:06

(GIGGLING)

0:12:060:12:07

Intimidating, aren't they?

0:12:080:12:11

Fit and shaggable, but intimidating.

0:12:110:12:14

Do you actually think they're sexy?

0:12:140:12:16

Yeah.

0:12:170:12:18

And you like the way they dress?

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Yeah.

0:12:200:12:22

They look like cheap whores.

0:12:220:12:24

Yeah.

0:12:250:12:26

He's gorgeous.

0:12:320:12:34

He's like an angel.

0:12:340:12:36

-Go and talk to him.

-I don't even know that he's gay!

0:12:360:12:40

I'll find out... using subtle detective work.

0:12:400:12:44

Hi there.

0:12:450:12:47

Are you gay?

0:12:470:12:49

Yes.

0:12:500:12:52

Good for you. Keep chasing that rainbow.

0:12:520:12:55

Action stations, Timothy, he's a paid-up member of the brotherhood. Go on.

0:12:570:13:01

I can't! What if he's another dirty perv, like those Shagger men?

0:13:010:13:05

Then it's your lucky day. You've got to seize the moment - carpe penis.

0:13:050:13:10

He's coming. Talk to him, you'll be fine. Go on.

0:13:100:13:13

Hey.

0:13:130:13:14

Hey?

0:13:140:13:16

Oh, I know how this goes.

0:13:160:13:18

It starts with a "hey", then you're flashing your wing-wang at me.

0:13:180:13:21

Excuse me?

0:13:210:13:23

What's wrong with you, hm? Pervert!

0:13:230:13:25

What are you into? Fisting? Rimming? Shrimping?

0:13:250:13:28

Sorry, have I said something wrong?

0:13:280:13:30

You're all the same - only interested in the contents of my underpants.

0:13:300:13:34

Well, there's nothing in there.

0:13:340:13:36

Well, I mean nothing for you. Do you think I'm some sort of sex obsessive?

0:13:360:13:39

It kind of sounds like you are.

0:13:390:13:41

Er, yeah... Well, you wish!

0:13:410:13:44

Sorry to disappoint you, but you're not getting what you want from me.

0:13:450:13:47

I just want a drink.

0:13:470:13:49

And to say hey.

0:13:490:13:51

Oh!

0:13:530:13:55

Oh, right. Oh!

0:13:550:13:57

Hey!

0:13:570:13:59

Heh.

0:13:590:14:00

(SOFTLY) I think it's going very well.

0:14:000:14:02

God, I played like crap.

0:14:050:14:08

I might as well be in the England squad!

0:14:080:14:10

Look, I don't think you should come and watch me play any more, Cassie.

0:14:100:14:14

I know what this is about.

0:14:140:14:16

You're ashamed of me.

0:14:160:14:17

No!

0:14:170:14:19

Look, I don't want to have to do this, but...

0:14:190:14:22

...maybe we should take a break for a while.

0:14:230:14:25

Take a break?

0:14:250:14:27

We've been shagging less than a week!

0:14:270:14:29

But we've done it, like, a thousand times.

0:14:290:14:31

34 and a half, actually.

0:14:310:14:33

We got kicked out of the church halfway through.

0:14:330:14:36

We probably should have waited till after that funeral.

0:14:360:14:39

I'm sorry, Cassie,

0:14:400:14:41

but I've got to focus on me football.

0:14:410:14:45

Go on, then. You leave.

0:14:450:14:47

You walk out that door. Let's just see if you do it.

0:14:470:14:50

OK, bye.

0:14:500:14:52

He did it.

0:14:540:14:56

Hi, Cassie!

0:14:570:14:59

Mate.

0:14:590:15:00

What d'you want?

0:15:000:15:02

Well, I just thought that we could have a friendly chat, like comrades.

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Sisters. Amigos, if you will.

0:15:060:15:10

I won't.

0:15:100:15:12

Seriously, Cassie, if something's bothering you, you can talk to me.

0:15:120:15:15

It's just Billy.

0:15:150:15:17

There's all these glammed-up tarts go to watch him play football

0:15:170:15:21

and I know he prefers girls like that to me.

0:15:210:15:23

Well, then, you know what you've gotta do.

0:15:230:15:25

You've gotta fight fire with fire.

0:15:250:15:27

Yeah!

0:15:270:15:29

I'll get some petrol and torch the stupid bitches!

0:15:290:15:32

No-o-o, Cassie.

0:15:340:15:35

Fire bad.

0:15:350:15:37

You've just got to beat them at their own game.

0:15:380:15:41

You've got to see their fake tans

0:15:410:15:43

and raise them a push-up bra.

0:15:430:15:44

-Yeah, I guess I could do that.

-Yeah.

0:15:450:15:48

So, now that we've sorted out your problems, like good girlfriends,

0:15:480:15:51

I...I was wondering if we could have a chat

0:15:510:15:53

about some feminine issues that have been affecting me lately.

0:15:530:15:56

I guess.

0:15:560:15:57

OK, well...usually when I menstruate...

0:15:570:16:00

Ooh, what is your problem?!

0:16:000:16:03

But you're a woman.

0:16:030:16:04

In the same way that Victoria Beckham's...

0:16:040:16:06

Yeah, yeah, Tim's already done that one!

0:16:060:16:08

I'm sorry for going a bit mad at you earlier.

0:16:110:16:13

I've just had some bad experiences with men lately.

0:16:130:16:16

I understand. There are a lot of salacious guys about.

0:16:160:16:19

Woah! You said "salacious"! Are you sure you're from round here?

0:16:190:16:23

-Well, I'm from Frodsham.

-Frodsham!

0:16:230:16:26

The Monte Carlo of the Northwest!

0:16:260:16:28

Is it as magical as people say?

0:16:280:16:30

It's ten minutes down the A56.

0:16:300:16:32

The A56!

0:16:320:16:34

Ha!

0:16:340:16:35

You know, I'd really like to get to know you...

0:16:350:16:39

-um...

-Leonard.

0:16:390:16:40

Yeah, school was a lot of fun for me(!)

0:16:400:16:43

Well, you seem nice, Leonard.

0:16:430:16:45

And so far, I seem crazy.

0:16:450:16:47

Will you give me the chance to prove I'm not a batshit wacko?

0:16:470:16:50

(CHUCKLES) That sounds good.

0:16:500:16:52

Oh, but I need to pop out and do something.

0:16:520:16:54

Oh, I get it.

0:16:540:16:56

Is this because I accused you of being a pervert

0:16:560:16:58

and said you wanted to look at my wing-wang?

0:16:580:17:00

No, that stuff's marvellous.

0:17:000:17:02

I just left my phone in my car.

0:17:020:17:04

I'll come back. Trust me.

0:17:040:17:06

I do!

0:17:060:17:07

Of course I do!

0:17:070:17:09

What's up, Tim?

0:17:120:17:13

I've been dumped! He's never coming back.

0:17:130:17:15

I've ruined my first chance at real happiness since Helena.

0:17:150:17:19

You've got it easy.

0:17:190:17:20

I was this close to kicking a ball again, with everyone watching.

0:17:200:17:24

Fell in a pile of mud, smells like dog shit.

0:17:240:17:26

I-I-I really want to walk again and I know I can.

0:17:280:17:30

I just... I don't know what's wrong with me.

0:17:300:17:32

Well, if your physio thinks your problems are psychological,

0:17:320:17:35

maybe it's the sterner approach you need.

0:17:350:17:37

Our old friend Mr Tough Love.

0:17:370:17:39

I could get you angry, give you a load of abuse

0:17:390:17:42

and motivate you to get out of the chair.

0:17:420:17:44

I'm game. How do we start?

0:17:440:17:45

You're a pathetic little bastard!

0:17:450:17:47

Oi, piss off, arsehole!

0:17:470:17:50

Oh, sorry! Was that part of the tough love?

0:17:510:17:53

Yes!

0:17:530:17:55

Ah!

0:17:550:17:56

Look at you! You're hopeless!

0:17:560:17:58

I can Riverdance and you can't.

0:17:590:18:01

# Hummin-na-na ner ner-ner-ner... #

0:18:010:18:04

But that's cos I'm not a loser in a wheelchair.

0:18:060:18:08

This is pretty good, cos I wanna get out the chair and batter you.

0:18:080:18:11

Go on, let's crank it up a notch.

0:18:110:18:12

OK, OK.

0:18:120:18:13

Come on, drag your lazy, fat arse out of that chair, you useless invalid.

0:18:130:18:17

Why can't you walk like the rest of us?

0:18:170:18:19

Stoopid!

0:18:190:18:21

-Oh!

-What you doing?

0:18:220:18:24

Leonard, I wasn't expecting you to come back.

0:18:240:18:27

I think the clues were there when I said, "I'll come back."

0:18:270:18:30

I didn't realise I'd find you doing this.

0:18:300:18:32

Oh, no, no, no, you don't understand. This is my friend.

0:18:320:18:35

I was just helping him.

0:18:350:18:36

This always works!

0:18:360:18:38

Well, it usually works!

0:18:450:18:47

I'll see you, Tim.

0:18:470:18:48

Oh, no, Leonard, wait!

0:18:480:18:50

Oh.

0:18:500:18:51

Don't worry about it, Tim. He'll be back.

0:18:510:18:54

Will he?

0:18:540:18:55

I pissing well doubt it.

0:18:550:18:56

Look, Billy, I know you wanted us to have a break for a while

0:19:110:19:13

and I know you didn't want me coming here

0:19:130:19:15

but I thought if I dressed up a little bit...

0:19:150:19:17

-What are you wearing?!

-What, you don't think it's sexy?

0:19:170:19:19

Well, I didn't say that.

0:19:190:19:21

Good, cos I'm wearing three things I've never worn before -

0:19:210:19:24

heels, perfume and knickers.

0:19:240:19:26

They're right up me chuff!

0:19:270:19:29

But why?

0:19:290:19:32

You like wearing ten-year-old ripped jeans and T-shirts with "suck me cock" on it.

0:19:320:19:37

Well, yeah, but you want me to be sexy like that lot.

0:19:370:19:41

Well, it's why you've been avoiding me.

0:19:410:19:44

Because I'm not some Oompa Loompa with bazumpas like them.

0:19:440:19:46

I love the way you are, Cassie.

0:19:460:19:48

Really?

0:19:480:19:49

I thought you wanted me to be glamorous.

0:19:510:19:54

I thought you didn't fancy me.

0:19:550:19:56

No, I fancy you too much - that's the problem, love.

0:19:560:19:59

Anyway, they aren't glamorous.

0:19:590:20:02

Rita works down the sewers,

0:20:020:20:04

Sharon used to be a trained butcher

0:20:040:20:08

and Tracy used to be called Trev.

0:20:080:20:10

(SHE LAUGHS)

0:20:100:20:12

I'm telling you, Cassie, you're the best-looking girl here, hands down.

0:20:140:20:17

Really?

0:20:180:20:19

Well...

0:20:220:20:24

in that case, Billy McCormack, how would you like some company tonight?

0:20:240:20:28

No way! I've just said, if I spend the night with you

0:20:280:20:30

I'm gonna be crap in tomorrow's football game.

0:20:300:20:32

Not happening - football's me life.

0:20:320:20:34

Oh, well, that's a shame,

0:20:340:20:36

cos I was thinking of tying you down, sitting on your face

0:20:360:20:39

and spanking your ball bag with a spatula.

0:20:390:20:41

Football's only a game. Right, let's go.

0:20:440:20:46

Wait, hang on. Aren't you in the middle of practising now?

0:20:460:20:49

Oh, yeah! Got caught up in the moment and all!

0:20:490:20:51

That's my man!

0:20:540:20:55

John! John!

0:20:550:20:57

John!

0:20:570:20:59

Well...thanks for meeting me, Hazel.

0:21:030:21:06

I hope you didn't think it was weird,

0:21:060:21:08

me putting up ads around town saying I wanted to meet people.

0:21:080:21:11

I completely understand.

0:21:110:21:13

I'm very open-minded.

0:21:130:21:14

Is that a leather belt you're wearing?

0:21:150:21:18

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's nice, isn't it?

0:21:180:21:20

Tell me...

0:21:200:21:22

why do you think it's acceptable to wear a slaughtered animal around your waist?

0:21:220:21:26

It were three quid in Primark.

0:21:280:21:31

Anyway, Hazel, um, now that we're pals there's something

0:21:320:21:35

I'd really like to talk to someone about.

0:21:350:21:37

Tell me, Donna, are you passionate about the environment?

0:21:370:21:40

-..Yeah.

-Really?

0:21:400:21:42

..Yeah.

0:21:420:21:45

Isn't it...isn't it terrible

0:21:450:21:47

how all them carbon fumes are making that oil leak everywhere...

0:21:470:21:52

melting those icecaps and killing all them poor polar bears?

0:21:520:21:56

And soon all we'll be left with is...an oily...polar bear...

0:21:570:22:02

on a defrosted... carbon-footprinted icecap.

0:22:020:22:06

Did...any of that make sense?

0:22:080:22:11

You clearly don't know what you're talking about, Donna,

0:22:110:22:14

and the fact that you're wearing a leather belt says a lot about you.

0:22:140:22:18

Look, Stig of the Dump!

0:22:180:22:19

It doesn't make me a bad person

0:22:200:22:21

just because I'm wearing something that stops my trousers falling down!

0:22:210:22:25

I don't think we can be friends, Donna.

0:22:250:22:27

Oh, yeah? Well, what a crushing blow(!)

0:22:270:22:28

Why don't you go shag a tree, Bono?!

0:22:280:22:31

It's really nice having a new friend.

0:22:330:22:35

Especially after my boyfriend dumped me last week.

0:22:350:22:38

Not that I'd use you as a replacement for John.

0:22:380:22:40

Of course not! Huh!

0:22:400:22:41

Could you cut your hair short and let me call you Joan?

0:22:410:22:45

Vot are you vearing?

0:22:450:22:48

Hm! Hey, do you like Justin Bieber?

0:22:480:22:51

..So, after I cut him up into small pieces

0:22:510:22:53

I put him in the deepfreeze and then I buried him in the woods.

0:22:530:22:56

How people consider that murder I've got no idea! Hm!

0:22:580:23:02

Next!

0:23:020:23:04

..You know what? I am having a really nice time, Anna.

0:23:040:23:07

Me too. I think you're really cool, Donna.

0:23:070:23:10

You're not a mass murderer?

0:23:100:23:13

Or a vampire or a Justin Bieber fan?

0:23:130:23:15

-Course not, silly!

-Well, thank God for that.

0:23:150:23:17

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

0:23:170:23:20

It's just...so hard to meet other gay women round here.

0:23:200:23:24

I never stood a chance with Leonard.

0:23:260:23:29

He's way out of my league.

0:23:290:23:30

He's from Frodsham, for God's sake!

0:23:300:23:32

Frodsham?!

0:23:320:23:34

What is he, a millionaire?

0:23:340:23:35

Anyway...what about me? I've still not found a girlie best mate.

0:23:350:23:39

(LAUGHS) She's still not found one yet?!

0:23:390:23:42

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY) What, you still haven't walked yet?

0:23:420:23:46

Well, that's sensitive - I wonder why you ain't got any friends(?)

0:23:460:23:50

Because they were all eco-freaks, vampires and...predatory lesbians.

0:23:500:23:55

Predatory lesbians?

0:23:560:23:58

Just shut up, Gaz!

0:23:580:23:59

Why don't you just give up?

0:23:590:24:01

I could find a friend if I wanted.

0:24:010:24:03

Yeah! I could befriend someone as soon as look at 'em.

0:24:030:24:06

Even her!

0:24:060:24:08

Come to mama, bosom buddy!

0:24:080:24:11

Well!

0:24:120:24:13

Hello there, partner!

0:24:130:24:15

You look like a nice sort who'd enjoy a girlie chat.

0:24:170:24:19

Hm.

0:24:190:24:20

That's right!

0:24:200:24:22

So, have you got a name?

0:24:220:24:24

Kerri. People call me Kes.

0:24:240:24:27

Well, that is brilliant!

0:24:270:24:29

(LAUGHS) Like the kestrel.

0:24:290:24:32

..You know.

0:24:320:24:34

The kestrel!

0:24:340:24:35

Called Kes!

0:24:360:24:38

You know, "Come to, Kes, come to."

0:24:390:24:41

You know, "Come to."

0:24:410:24:43

You're pissing me off now!

0:24:430:24:45

But...

0:24:450:24:46

-# VANGELIS: Chariots Of Fire

-No!

0:24:480:24:50

Gaz, you walked!

0:24:590:25:02

-You...you're walking!

-Not right now, Donna.

0:25:020:25:03

I'm on me arse.

0:25:030:25:06

Not, but you got up and walked. You walked across the pub. You're on your feet!

0:25:060:25:10

No, Donna, I'm still on me arse.

0:25:100:25:12

-Stop ruining the moment!

-Sorry.

0:25:120:25:14

Well, can you do it again, Gaz?

0:25:140:25:16

Come to, Gaz!

0:25:160:25:18

Come to!

0:25:180:25:19

Come on, Gaz. Try!

0:25:190:25:21

Er...

0:25:210:25:22

Think about how you'll be able to shag me up against the wall again!

0:25:220:25:25

And I'm up!

0:25:250:25:27

-Well...

-Oh!

0:25:290:25:31

He's back! Oh, my Gaz is back!

0:25:310:25:34

Well, I guess I found me motivation. It was just me instinct to protect you, baby.

0:25:340:25:38

Oi, I haven't finished with you.

0:25:380:25:40

Oh, yes, you have, sugar tits.

0:25:400:25:42

You don't come in my pub and threaten my customers. Now, sling it!

0:25:420:25:45

You gonna make me, Russell Grant?

0:25:450:25:48

You're the one that's gonna be seeing stars in a second, bitch!

0:25:480:25:51

Now, get out, you dirty biffer, and don't come back.

0:25:510:25:54

And if you ever threaten my friends again

0:25:540:25:56

I'll open a can of whoop-ass on you and a big, fat carton of bitch-slap.

0:25:560:26:00

Leonard!

0:26:000:26:01

I didn't think you'd come back.

0:26:010:26:04

Well, what can I say? Your drinks are reasonably priced.

0:26:040:26:06

I know you just saw me manhandling that girl

0:26:060:26:09

and threatening to bitch-slap her. Oh, you must think...

0:26:090:26:11

I think you're pretty heroic, Tim, sticking up for your friends like that.

0:26:110:26:14

And you're surprisingly forceful when you're angry.

0:26:140:26:17

I just...

0:26:170:26:19

How about you stop talking whilst I still think you're heroic?

0:26:190:26:22

You tend to say the wrong thing when you speak.

0:26:220:26:24

-Yeah, I just...

-What did I just say?

0:26:240:26:27

That little piggy there went to market.

0:26:300:26:33

This little piggy went to town.

0:26:330:26:35

And this little piggy...

0:26:350:26:37

It tickles when I do it!

0:26:370:26:39

It's amazing, Gaz walking again. It is a miracle.

0:26:410:26:44

-It's a modern-day miracle.

-Mm.

0:26:450:26:47

-Like Fearne Cotton's career.

-Yeah.

0:26:470:26:50

So...

0:26:500:26:51

I guess you discovered something tonight when you failed to make any new friends.

0:26:510:26:56

What, that I'm a crap friend?

0:26:560:26:57

You're not crap!

0:26:570:26:59

You helped Gaz to walk again, you helped me with Leonard

0:26:590:27:03

and you helped Cassie with Billy.

0:27:030:27:04

You're right!

0:27:040:27:06

I am freakin' awesome!

0:27:060:27:09

So, what did I learn, then?

0:27:100:27:12

That you don't need anyone new because you've got us.

0:27:120:27:15

And you can always talk to me about anything.

0:27:150:27:18

Even stuff about your down-belows.

0:27:190:27:21

Really?

0:27:210:27:23

Of course!

0:27:230:27:25

So, what's been bothering you so much lately?

0:27:250:27:27

I missed my period, I think I might be pregnant.

0:27:300:27:32

-..Go on, put that in there.

-Look!

0:27:350:27:38

The guy at the bar's my ex. He's a complete psychopath!

0:27:400:27:45

I'm such a waste of space. I've done nothing worthwhile.

0:27:450:27:47

I know something major will happen soon.

0:27:470:27:50

Ditch him. Or I will kill him.

0:27:500:27:52

You can only be with one of us. It's either him or me.

0:27:520:27:56

-Oh. Oh, Donna, it's the hospital.

-Hello?

0:27:560:27:59

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. I'm sure... They have to do some more tests.

0:27:590:28:03

I'd like to go out with you, Tim.

0:28:030:28:05

Gaz?

0:28:050:28:07

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