Episode 2 Uncle

This programme contains very strong language

# We were strapped in tight buying duty free

# Till you said the words that you said to me

# You said you got no love left in your heart

# Then the turbulence tore our plane apart

# Our engine's stalled as we tucked and braced

# And we smashed back down to Earth... #

Excuse me.

-# No survivors... #

-Excuse me

-# No survivors. #

-Excuse me, excuse me.

MUSIC DIES

# No survivors... #

Excuse me. Hi. Can you play somewhere else, please?

Let me see. Somewhere Else, Somewhere Else.

I'm not really familiar with that one, but if you

hum a couple of bars, I might be able to blag my way through it.

No, I mean could you please leave?

You're disturbing my customers.

Come on, mate, I'm just trying to express myself

That's great. Can I see your busking licence?

Oh, I must have left it at home.

Oh, well, why don't I just call the police?

Why don't I just call your manager?

Yeah, I am the manager. And the owner.

This is my coffee bar.

Oooh, it's a coffee bar!

Next to the gastro pub and over the road from the laundrette...

discotheque?

That's clever, yeah - things have names.

Look, just clear off or I'm going to have to have you removed

-and then it's awkward, so...

-You see this?

This represents integrity.

And you see that coin in there? I earned that

with my sweat and my blood.

And it may not be much, but at least I'm not a soulless, lonely,

talentless, money-grabbing, City boy.

This soulless City boy donated a third of his income

to charity last year.

And I do get lonely sometimes.

It's a good thing I've got my Swedish fiancee to keep me company.

She's the Michelin-star pastry chef who baked all the organic cakes.

And talentless... You can judge for yourself.

My band, we're playing at the O2 Academy in Brixton on Saturday.

You should come!

Yeah, well, that's not a very cool venue, is it?

-Because you're just so cool?

-I might be. You don't know me.

Let me guess. You think today's music is meaningless

and overproduced.

And you wish you were back in the '70s, when music was real

and had guts and integrity,

but the fact is, they wouldn't have had you, then, either.

I mean, look at the state of you.

You don't care about yourself,

so how's anyone else meant to care about you?

This whole young Joe Cocker thing you're selling - nobody's buying it.

So you go home to your bong and your shitty vintage record

collection that no-one else gives a shit about and you tell

yourself that you're not famous, because nobody understands you.

But really, people don't even want to listen to your music

while they drink coffee.

You're not even coffee music.

You think that playing on the street for nothing is integrity,

but really it's desperation.

It's denial.

Well, that's just, like, your opinion, man.

No, because they agree with me.

Oh, I feel bad now. How much to make you go away nicely?

-Do you want a tenner?

-You can't buy me. I'm an artist.

Oh, no, no, no. So, like, a 20?

And 11.75 is your change, sir.

Do you wrap gifts?

-We're a chemist.

-Is that a no, then?

-Gwen, wait, please

-Go away or I'm going to call the police.

Look, I don't even want to talk.

I just came to give you this. No strings attached.

I'm not trying to get back together.

I just want to apologise for last time.

The last time? You're going to have to be more specific.

Do you mean the time that you put our sex tape online?

Or the time you borrowed 300 quid for rent

and then bought a Playstation?

Or I know, maybe the time you lied about having a son?

Please, just take this and you'll never see me again.

You wrapped it in tinfoil?

Thought it made it look futuristic.

What's that smell?

We're having brunch. It's what civilised people do on a Saturday.

-What you having?

-Eggs Florentine.

Is that the one with the ham or the one with the spinach?

What do you mean "we"?

-Who's he?

-Go inside, babe.

-It's all right. He was just leaving.

-I'll take care of this.

You must be, Andy. I've heard a lot about you.

Really? Because I've, literally, never heard a thing about you.

You must be Gwen's new gay flatmate.

I'm Casper. Her new straight boyfriend.

Boyfriend? You wish. She'd never go out with anyone called Casper.

I hear you've been making her very unhappy and I can't have that.

I'd rather not discuss this with you...Casper.

You know what you are, Andy?

You're a fungus on the cock of life.

And Doctor Casper is the cure.

Well...

something tells me that you're not a real doctor, so...

If I ever see you here again, I'll rape your soul.

How does that sound?

Uncomfortable.

Fetch, boy.

# Happy people pass my way Looking in their eyes

# I see a memory and never realised how happy you made me

# Oh, Mandy, well, you came and you gave without taking

# But I sent you away

# Oh, Mandy, when you kissed me and stopped me from shaking

# And I need you today Oh, Mandy. #

KNOCK ON DOOR

It's open! I'm in the bathroom.

Hey, Andy.

Hello. You're looking slutty.

Oh, thanks. As long as I don't look fat.

Oh, God, do I look fat?

Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but...

Where are you going to? A Bunga Bunga party?

I'm having coffee with Ben.

We're going to try and settle the custody battle

before the judge has to.

I thought a little cleavage couldn't hurt negotiations over Roly.

Speaking of which... where is the little mistake?

What's wrong with him? I mean, aside from the obvious.

He's sick. He was fine last night.

It's a shame, he was looking forward to his friend's birthday party.

He has friends?

SHE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

Anyway, he shouldn't be any trouble.

Just check in on him once in a while. Make sure he's still alive.

I should be back in a couple of hours.

Help yourself to anything you need. Food, internet.

Vibrator collection?

If you can find it, it's yours.

You know, he asked about your music the other day.

-Wanted to know what it was like.

-What did you say?

I said it was good.

I lied.

Anyway, call me if you need anything.

TV NEWS COMES ON

Whoa, what are you doing?

What does it look like? I'm watching the news.

You're supposed to be in bed.

What do you care? Did I interrupt you looking at porno?

They just call it porn these days and, no, I wasn't doing that.

Are those hearts you've got on your pyjamas?

No, they're flowers.

Oh, I do apologise. That's much better(!)

Tell me something, what does this guy look like to you?

-If I tell you, can I watch TV?

-Fine.

I don't know. He looks...cool.

You do realise that's a bass guitar he's playing? A bass guitar.

So?

No, try again.

All right! He looks like an idiot, a prat, a moron. Happy?

How about a wanker? Does he look like a wanker?

I wouldn't go that far.

You're not acting very sick.

I am. I really, really am.

You're faking it, aren't you? I knew it, you're faking it!

-I'm not faking.

-Tell me why you're faking it or I'll your mum.

-I just really don't want to go to this party.

-Why not?

No reason. I just don't like parties.

Oh, man. But parties are great. Free food, free booze.

Girls, drunk girls. What's not to like?

You haven't lived until you've woken up in a stranger's garden,

wearing nothing but a captain's hat and a smile on your face.

Parties are where you learn the art of pointless banter.

Do you think I came out this charming? No. It was parties.

If you don't learn to love parties,

you'll end up being some wall-hugging, weird,

no party guy and you'll never get laid. Is that what you want?

Is that what you want? No!

Get changed out of them Flower Power things

and let's get you to a party!

Are you sure he's going to like this?

Trust me. He's going to love it.

-Shit, is that a Bentley?

-Oh, yeah. His dad owns a dealership.

-He must have a tiny penis, then.

-Why?

Bentley equals tiny knob. It's one of Newton's Laws.

Oh. Good thing my dad owns Porsche.

DOORBELL

Errol! Hi.

Your mummy told me you were too sick to make it.

He's feeling a lot better. Aren't you, sailor?

Oh, good. I hope you're not contagious.

Wouldn't want anyone getting ill.

Just kidding.

-I'm Linda. Hi.

-Andy. Errol's uncle.

And you must be the birthday boy's sister?

You're trying to butter me up and it's working! Come in.

Come in.

This is for Alfie.

Oh, thank you. Look at that wrapping! Very original.

Oh, sorry, gents would you mind just popping off your shoesies for me.

Oh, look, who it is! Bruce and Tiffany.

Tiffany, you're getting so big.

I bet you just eat all your veggies.

This is a little something for the big man.

-Wow. That's massive.

-Not about the size, though, is it?

It's all about the motion of the ocean.

-Claire couldn't make it?

-No, she's having to work.

You know her, burning the candle at both ends.

-Don't worry, we know the shoe drill.

-She's got you well-trained.

Right, kids. all the other children are through here.

We've got a karaoke machine and everything.

Yeah, go party.

You're not leaving me here, are you?

Nah, I'll be right here, waiting for you.

And don't get too drunk!

SHE LAUGHS

Right, I'm off. What time do I have to pick up the little rascal?

Oh, you can stay if you like.

We've got wine and nibbles in the kitchen for the grown ups.

I made a fondue.

Well, lucky for you, I'm very fond of fondue.

We also have mini-burgers.

You know how to talk dirty, don't you, Linda?

So. It's Andy, right?

Yeah. And you're Brian from football practice.

-Bruce.

-That's right. Bruce from football practice. Yes.

So, last time we met, you lied about which kid was yours.

Oh, yeah. No, I was having a bit of fun.

But I've met Errol's dad. You're not his dad.

Fuck, no. I'm his maternal uncle.

Ah, cool, Sam's big brother.

I'm four years younger.

What's the MILF situation like around here?

I wouldn't know. My wife's the only MILF I like to...ILF.

Um... thanks for the spliff last time.

-I was chilled out all day.

-That's cool.

Donkey!

-Hey, Tom.

-Where's your sexier half?

-She had to work.

-On a Saturday?

Careful, Donkey, you sure she isn't getting a leg over?!

This is Andy, Errol's Uncle.

Oh, Errol? My condolences.

Joking! Good to meet you, Andy. I'm Tom, Alfie's Dad.

-Andy is a musician.

-Oh, yeah? Andy the musician.

-I've heard of you.

-Really?

Yeah, aren't you in that band? What is it? No Direction!

HE LAUGHS

Come on, that was a good one, Donkey. I'm only joking.

What kind of music do you play?

Well, it's, sort of, a combination of...

Hold that thought. I need to spend a penny. Here you go.

And don't drink any, I've got my eye on you, Donkey.

Why does that prick keep calling you Donkey?

Is it because of your, erm...

No. He thinks I look like the donkey from Shrek.

Does he mean Eddie Murphy or the actual donkey?

I don't know. I never asked.

# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh. #

You think we should go say "hi?"

I mean, it's the polite thing to do, isn't it?

Whoo, that was brilliant! Give them a round of applause, everyone!

All right, wish me luck.

Hi, Alfie.

Happy 12th birthday, you don't look a day over 11.

-What?

-Nothing.

-Why are you even here, tosspot?

-You invited me.

My mum invited you. And now you're crapping up my party.

OK, good chatting.

Think he was, erm... pleased to see me.

I mean you're not just going to let him

-get away with calling you that are you?

-It's fine.

It's just a nickname.

I think old Linda's got a thing for me.

She keeps staring at me from over there, with her stripper eyes.

-Did you see that we have paper plates?

-Thanks. I'm good.

Do you want me to say something to him? I can say something.

-Please don't. Honestly doesn't bother me.

-What doesn't bother you?

Ee-aw! Donkey alert.

-What did I miss?

-We were just talking about...

-Football!

-Plates!

Nicknames are stupid, aren't they?

Ha-ha, yeah, like Everton. I mean, come on, "The Toffees?"

No-one's afraid of toffee.

Andy, where did you get that mug?

I dunno. A cupboard?

I've put out all these nice wine glasses for the wine.

Yeah. I know but wine glasses don't really suit me.

I mean, look at this.

It's just that that's Tom's special mug.

Oh, I'm sorry. Here you go.

Don't give him a hard time, babe. It's an honest mistake.

-Right, Andy?

-Right.

Hey, do you guys want to see something cool?

Uh, afternoon, lads. I see you went with the burger.

A fine choice.

-Aren't you embarrassed?

-Embarrassed? No. Why should I be?

-Because you pissed your pants.

-Uh, no, I didn't.

Uh, yes, you did.

Piss pants!

ALL: Piss pants, piss pants, piss pants, piss pants!

Congratulations, gentlemen,

you currently find yourselves in the presence of a masterpiece.

If Vinny van Gogh made this car, he would have cut both ears off.

This wasn't manufactured, it was moulded.

No detail's been spared. Natural wood veneers,

a sumptuous leather interior, handpicked from herds

in cooler climes, just to ensure a smoother hide.

If the exhaust pipe wasn't so small, I would fuck it.

THEY LAUGH

I think I'd still prefer a Rolls-Royce.

I'm kidding.

I've just realised who you look like.

-That big one off Monsters Inc.

-Yeah, no, not really.

Yes, you do. Doesn't he, Donkey?

Guys? Doesn't he look like that hairy one from Monsters Inc?

-Yeah! What's his name?

-Stanley.

-Yeah, Stanley.

-It's Sulley.

-Sulley? Are you sure?

-Of course he's sure, it's his name!

THE MEN LAUGH

Come on, show us your scary face, Monsters Inc.

There we go!

All right, I "partied." Now, can we go?

Now? Linda's just made pigs in a blanket.

Wait, why are you holding your jumper like that?

It makes you look like you've pissed yourself.

You've pissed yourself.

-No.

-Alfie threw apple juice on my trousers Why would he do that?

To make it look like I've pissed myself. And because he's a bully.

See, this is why I didn't want to come!

'You don't care about yourself

'so how's anyone else meant to care about you, eh?'

'You're like a fungus on the cock...'

'Show us your scary face, Monsters Inc.'

Look, what do you want to do more than anything else when you grow up?

-I want to be an actuary.

-Cool.

-You don't know what an actuary is, do you?

-No.

But I know that, if we leave now, you'll get bullied

for the rest of your life.

You'll get a shit job, with shit friends.

You'll marry an ugly woman and you'll buy a shit house

and you're going to have ugly kids in it.

I don't want ugly children!

Right, so why don't you end the cycle right now and go in there

and show Alfie that you don't care?

And who knows? Maybe, one day, you'll be a hot shot actuary,

with a gorgeous Swedish fiancee.

OK, I want to go back in there, but my trousers are wet.

At least you've got trousers. Think of them African kids.

All they've got is Coca-Cola T-shirts and sandals.

-Now, go in there and show them what a real actuary's made of.

-I'm going.

Hi, Alfie. I just wanted to say, no hard feelings about before.

-Can I ask you something, Errol?

-Yeah, sure. I love questions.

-Are you a lesbian?

-Um, yes. I'm a lesbian.

Ha! He's a lesbian! I knew it!

-Of course I'm a lesbian, aren't you?

-Yuck, no.

Cos lesbian means you fancy girls. I guess you don't fancy girls, then?

Shut up, lesbo. I bet you caught lesbian disease from your mum.

-Don't talk about my mum.

-Why not?

-Everyone knows she's a druggie slut.

-Take that back.

-Make me.

-Leave him alone.

What are you going to do about it?

Are you two going to kiss and have lesbian babies?

No way! Andy King?

Shelley Asher...from sixth form. We had jazz choir together.

Shelley, wow, yeah.

What are you doing here?

Nothing. I'm just...keeping an eye on my nephew. What about you?

Just working. Professional party entertainer.

It's no West End, but it pays the bills.

Oh, yeah, that's great.

This is so weird seeing you here. What have you been up to?

I remember you used to be this amazing musician.

Everybody was always, like, "That Andy, yeah,

"he's going to be proper famous."

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, things are going well.

I've done some music for some adverts. Corporate sell-out, I know.

-Good money, though.

-Yeah, and I'm working on an album.

Oh, amazing.

Yeah, been gigging a lot. Working my way up, slowly but surely.

But got to think of the long game.

I did a gig recently at a swanky coffee bar.

Oh, I am so jealous.

Tell me the next time you're going to do a show.

-I'd love to come and see you.

-I will. I will.

You know, I used to have this massive crush on you at school.

-Really?

-Yeah. I remember I even changed classes,

cos I knew you were going to be in it.

-Proper little stalker, I was.

-That was back when I was skinny.

Yeah. So...is there a Mrs Andy King?

No. No.

I mean, I had a girlfriend, but we've split up.

-Oh? Sorry.

-Oh, don't be sorry. I had to get rid of her.

She was a level-ten clinger, if you know what I mean. So...

Monsters Inc!

Are you scaring this young lady?

No. Not at all.

Doesn't he look like the hairy one from Monsters Inc?

Maybe in the huggable teddy bear, kind of, way. Yeah.

Do you watch any films that aren't rated U?

When you have kids, if you have kids,

you'll understand the sacrifices that must be made.

-What's your cartoon nickname?

-What do you call me, boys?

-ALL: Buzz!

-That's Mr Lightyear to you!

-What's so funny?

-Nothing.

It's just that Buzz Lightyear thinks he's cool, but really,

everyone makes fun of him behind his back, cos he's a delusional dick.

What are you trying to say?

Nothing, Mr Lightyear.

You think people laugh at me behind my back? What about you?

You're a musician nobody's heard of.

That's like being a car with no wheels.

Going nowhere.

That's not true. He's recorded an album.

Yeah? Sing us a song from it, Monsters Inc.

-I don't have my guitar.

-Come on, you're a guest at my house.

I'm asking you nicely to sing one of your beautiful songs.

Well?

your audience awaits.

I'm joking.

You should've seen your face!

Seriously, Monsters Inc, you're supposed to be the scary one.

-I better get back to work.

-Yeah.

I...I don't have my guitar.

There you are. There's been a little accident with Errol. He's fine.

He just fallen and bumped his nose.

There's some blood on the carpet.

But not to worry, that's what stain guard's for, right?

Also, I think he might have wet himself.

Anyway, he's asking for you. Right, better get on with the cake!

I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go.

Come with me.

-Oi, shithead. Apologise to him.

-Who are you?

I'm his uncle. Now apologise.

No. He's a loser. I can see where he gets it from.

-You know what you need?

-A better view?

Ha-ha. No. If I were your parent, I'd slap you handsome.

Yeah, well, you can't hit me.

I'm a child.

No, you're right. I can't.

But he can.

Now, we've got to go.

Come on! You can do that later.

I'm not walking on the street without shoes.

Double knots? Seriously?

It's rude to leave without saying goodbye.

We're not leaving. We're just...going out for a smoke.

-You hit my boy.

-Your boy hit my nephew.

-What? You mean Ratatouille?

-Don't call me that, you wanker.

What did Ratatouille just call me?

Don't talk to my dad that way, piss pants!

Don't get in my nephew's face, the...fat kid from Up!

-You...

-Tom!

What's this about Alfie trying to punch my daughter?

Is that true, Alfie? Did you take a swing at Shrek?

No! She's lying.

Whoa, wait. You call my little girl...Shrek?

Yeah, Shrek and Donkey - the dynamic duo!

-Wow, that felt good.

-Nice work. Let's go!

Tiff!?

This isn't over. We'll press charges.

Shut up, Tom.

Dad, we can still catch them, if we take the Bentley.

Motherfucking Monsters Inc!

# Fall is here Hear the yell back to school

# Ring the bell Brand-new shoes, walking blues

# Climb the fence, books and pens

# I can tell that we are gonna be friends

# I can tell that we are gonna be friends

# We clean up and now it's time to learn. #

Here she is.

How did it go?

He wants Roly every two weeks and every weekend.

Is that bad?

It's bullshit. Weekends are the best part of childhood.

That's when you get to go on roller coasters and visit aquariums.

Why should he get all the fun stuff?

See, if I was still using, I would have slept with him

-and I would have gotten my way.

-That's your takeaway from all this?

That and don't buy bras off the internet.

How's Roly?

Been fast asleep the whole time.

-Hasn't made a peep.

-What have you been up to?

Just chilling. Internetting and stuff.

Who's that guy?

-No-one. Just a friend of a friend.

-Looks like a bell-end.

Well, I better check on the little curse before I'm off.

You're really enjoying this, aren't you, the whole uncle thing?

-It's better than herpes.

-You would know.

-Andy, wait.

-Yep.

Alfie's mum called. She told me everything.

I never liked the bitch, anyway.

It's me, you little faker.

Look... I'm sorry I made you go to that party.

It's fine. I think I actually enjoyed myself

Really?

Yeah, and I think I learnt something important, too.

-Like what?

-Sometimes... it's OK to hit people.

Good night, piss pants.

Wait.

Can you sing me one of your songs?

Nah, you don't want to hear one of them

-Why not? Are you bad?

-No.

I just don't have my guitar and it's probably not your sort of thing.

Try me.

# There's an impact crater sitting in my heart

# From the time that we crashed and blew our love apart

# The fire that we shared burned hot and fast

# I thought they'd never put it out

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No, no, no, no survivors. #