Episode 3 Uncle

This programme contains strong language.

PHONE RINGS

What? I'm busy.

I'm dying.

Shit.

What is it, a brain tumour?

I mean, you did do a lot of drugs.

No! I'm dying of shame!

'Roly...' SHE SIGHS

-..caught me doing things to myself.

-What, like shaving your legs?

-Higher up.

-Armpits?

Masturbating, Andy! He caught me masturbating!

-Oh, shit.

-'I know.'

I told him I was just having a bad dream.

It's like that time I caught you in the shower making a soap sandwich.

-I was washing my privates!

-With two bars?

-Why are you calling?

I don't know how much he saw but now I'm in my room and he's in his room

and it's half-term so I don't have anywhere to send him.

-Just send him to the cinema or something.

-By himself?

Maybe he'll meet a nice man with a big bag of sweets.

Oh, shit, I've got to go, bye!

Please don't kill me!

Why are you doing outside my club stalking my daughter?

Pfff, I'm not... I'm not stalking.

I'm just... This is where my car broke down.

Really? Try starting the engine.

Yeah...

ENGINE STARTS

Wow, thank you.

I thought I made it very clear what would happen if I saw you again.

I'm not here to see Gwen. Look.

You want to play in the battle of the bands. MY battle of the bands?

-No chance.

-Why not? I'm a good musician.

You haven't heard me but I'm good.

I know you think this is all about Gwen but it's not.

I'm just looking for someone to give me a break.

-Oh, I'll give you a break.

-I swear I won't talk to Gwen.

I won't even look at her. I just want to perform.

In a gay club?

I cried during Brokeback Mountain.

It's called 'Battle of the Bands.' You don't even have a band.

Well, if I can get a band together in the next three days,

will you let me play?

IF you can get a band, I'll see.

Thanks, Mr Pearson.

The name's Val.

-Now, fuck off.

-Yes, sir. Ma'am. Val.

And thank you for fixing the car.

-What a load off.

-Fuck off.

Hello. I would like to book a rehearsal room for tomorrow, please,

for I am starting a band.

The small room's available three till five.

Excellent. Can you just put it under 'Andy King', please?

-That'll be £30 on the day.

-£30?!

-Do you want me to cross you off?

-No. I want you to cross me on.

Because £30 is what I'm going to be paying.

PHONE RINGS

-What?!

-Can you watch Roly tomorrow?

No, I'm mega busy.

-Got auditions all day for my new band.

-Great. He loves music.

Remember? He's taking piano. He won't be any trouble. Oh, please?

-I have a date.

-Who are you going on a date with?

-Some guy I met online.

-Online?

It's your funeral. I mean, literally.

After he kills you and stuffs you in his boot.

What do you want me to do? I'm 35, I'm in recovery,

I can't do bars and I have a kid, so, yes, I met a guy on the internet

and hopefully I won't get raped and murdered.

Now, may I please leave Roly with you tomorrow?

Thank you.

DOORBELL RINGS

-You weren't still sleeping, were you?

-No.

-Why is your hair in a bun?

-Do you like it? I think it makes me look smarter.

-What do you think?

-I think you're going to need a bigger bun.

Ah! Shit.

Listen, will you talk to Roly for me? He's being a bit weird.

I think it's probably about the lady wank. Be subtle about it, though.

Bye, treasure!

-This place is disgusting.

-Whatever. Why are you being weird?

I'm not being weird.

Don't touch that.

Is it because you saw your mum...never mind.

-Don't touch those.

-Who's that?

How about a breath of fresh air?

I'm freezing. Can we go?

-I'm trying to make 30 quid to pay for the audition space.

-£30!

We're going to be here forever! Why are you starting a band anyway?

Cos of this.

-"Battle of the Bands?"

-Yeah.

First prize is one month as the house band at Cox.

And do you know what that means? That means one month with Gwen.

Why do you want to get back with her? She doesn't even like you.

It's called sexual tension.

Maybe one day when you're in love you'll understand.

-Give me your jacket.

-Why?

-Just give it.

Hold that.

HE COUGHS

PROFICIENT BLUES GUITAR SOLOING

Thank you, Tyler.

We'll be in touch.

-I thought he was good.

-Yeah, he was amazing, with beautiful lips.

I'm not having that in my band. Someone else will come along,

hopefully a humpback with a dodgy eye.

OUT OF TIME DRUMMING

OUT OF TUNE SINGING

CACOPHONOUS, SLUDGY ROCK MUSIC

HE PLAYS A PEDESTRIAN DRUM PATTERN

OUT OF TIME, MONOTONE BASS GUITAR

UNINSPIRED SOLOING

I know!

DISTANT PIANO MUSIC

Oh, sorry.

Where did you learn to play like that?

I don't know. I've had a few lessons.

Your mum said. I figured you were going to be shit like all the other little kids.

Can you play anything else?

HE PLAYS THE OPENING CHORDS TO 'VIVA LA VIDA' BY COLDPLAY

Errol, how would you like to be in my band?

-Would I need a humpback and a dodgy eye?

-No.

-Think about it, I could be Jim Morrison to your Ray Manzarek.

-Who?

He was the nerdy keyboardist in The Doors.

-I don't want to be the nerdy one.

-I think you're missing the point.

EVERYBODY got laid in The Doors.

-Chicks love musicians.

-Really?

How do you know if a girl likes you?

I think you've just got to, you know...

-Why are you asking about girls all of a sudden?

-No reason.

You're in love. That's why you've been acting so weird lately!

-I'm not being weird!

-Who is she, you little pervert?

-Her name's Ruby.

-Ruby.

And have you asked the little jewel out on a date?

She doesn't know I exist.

Well, then, why don't you join my band

and then I can help you win the girl?

Do we have a deal?

Just shake once.

BELL RINGS

Hey! How was the big date?

Wellllll....

What's something you'd be embarrassed to tell a stranger?

I never know which way to put the cutlery in the dishwasher.

Facing up gets it cleaner

but it seems really dangerous with the knives up like that.

What about you?

I like when ladies poo on me.

He was a bit boring.

Great! Listen, I've got some free time this week.

Why don't you leave him with me for a couple of days?

Go on some more dates and try and find that Mr Right that you've been looking for.

Why are you being nice?

Sam! You've always been there for me.

-Let me do this for you.

-Yeah, you deserve some time to yourself.

You've been under a lot of stress lately.

There you have it, the most dangerous animal in the jungle.

The female human.

One minute she can take you to the heights of ecstasy,

and the next she can shatter your soul with a single glance.

-Pervert!

-Morning, ladies!

So tell me about this Ruby. What is she out of 10?

-She's a 10!

-All right, now bear in mind you've got to stay within a three point spread.

For instance, a two can never go out with an eight.

-That would be suicide.

-So, what am I?

Well, you're skinny but you've got nice hair and no hideous deformities.

So, I'm going to go out on a limb and give you a 6 1/2.

But I reckon, with a bit of styling,

-we can probably get you up to a 7.

-What are you?

Some people are immune to the whole scoring system altogether.

Mega rich bastards, athletes, talented musicians.

Present company included. Now, jokes. Women love good jokes.

For instance, why do blondes wear knickers?

-Why?

-To keep their ankles warm.

-I don't get it.

-Trust me, it's hilarious.

Now, what jokes have you got?

-What's the bare minimum?

-I don't know, what's the bare minimum?

One bear.

We'll work on the jokes.

Right, now let's practise asking a girl out.

I'll be a girl. You ask me out.

Erm...hi.

"Erm...hi"? Seriously? Your opening line is the most important thing

you'll ever say to a girl. If you can't think of anything funny,

give her a compliment, buy her a drink.

Be charming. Be charismatic. Be mysterious.

-Can't I just be myself?

-No! Are you crazy? Never be yourself.

Now try again.

Excuse me. You have very nice...

-..sideburns.

-No! OK, fine, OK.

Right, we'll swap back over. You be the girl. I'll be the man.

Hello, my name's Andy. What's your name?

-HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-My name's Penelope Jenkins.

Hello, Penelope. You've got very nice eyes.

Thank you. I got them from my mother. She was a Russian ballerina.

Tell me three things you like, Penelope.

I like sushi, fruit bats and long car rides.

Do you like waking up with no regrets and a man that knows how to hold you?

-You've used that line?

-I used it on Gwen.

That worked out well(!)

Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?

Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?

Hi, Ruby, you have nice eyes. Will you go out with me?

Oh, hey, Errol. What are you doing here?

I...erm...

..have nice eyes?

What?

That bad, huh?

Sign us up. This is my band.

-There's only two of you.

-So? Anything more than one is a band in my book.

We're not reading from your book, are we?

Two people's a duo - it's not a band.

You know who'd care to disagree? The White Stripes, The Black Keys,

-The Proclaimers, Heart...

-Heart's a five-piece.

The Kills, Suicide, Simon and Garfunkel.

-Ant and Dec!

-And of course my personal favourite, The Carpenters.

You love The Carpenters, don't you?

Yes, OK. But one of your band members is a minor.

The flyer doesn't say anything about minors.

-It's not like he's cruising for gay hook-ups, are you?

-No.

If you don't let him perform, based solely on his age,

do you know what that is? That is...

-Age discrimination.

-..age discrimination.

And discrimination... Well...

-that's bad.

-Oh, my God! What is he doing here?!

I've got this, baby. You go get lunch.

So, has he talked you into this, little man?

No, sir...miss. I just wanted to be in a band to impress chicks.

I was in a band when I was your age. I also did it to impress chicks.

Is there a special girl you're trying to impress?

-Ruby.

-Ahh, Ruby. That's a pretty name.

Have you tried writing her a song?

DOORBELL RINGS

# When I think about you You make my chest feel all tight

# I have to shake my inhaler Suck with all of my might

# I see you walk down the hall I don't think you see me

# I cannot focus in science You give me ADHD

# I feel my temperature rise I see my grades start to drop

# I'm near the bottom of class I used to be near the top

# You make me sick in my mouth You make me come out in hives

# You put my stomach in knots I have to loosen my tie, tie, tie

# I don't like you I like, like you

# I don't like you I like, like you

# I'll walk you home after school I'll walk you right to your house

# I'd like to give you a kiss But not a kiss on the mouth

# I'll take you out on a date I'll meet you out by the gym

# And I should probably say This song was written by him

# I'll save you space in the queue I'll give you answers in maths

# I'll take you out to the zoo Will you sit by me in class?

# It's everything that you say It's everything that you do

# I don't just like you a bit I like, like, like you, you, you. #

Today, you have become a man, my pale little friend,

and I am one step closer to going back out with Gwen.

What's the matter? You don't like your milk? Wait, let me guess.

You're lactose intolerant?

No. I mean, yeah, but it's not that.

It's just...what am I going to talk to her about?

Relax. You don't need to talk to her about anything.

Just ask her lots of questions, and you'll be fine.

You'll be there to help, right?

I hadn't really planned on wingmanning a 12-year-old.

What? You have to be there. I can't do it on my own.

Yeah, you can. You don't need me.

If you don't come, I'll quit the band.

Fine. You win, brat.

DOORBELL RINGS

That's it. I'm done. It's a horror show out there.

I'd rather burn alive than go on another date.

The last one was going great until his wife shows up.

-Turns out they're swingers.

-What are they?

They're like acrobats, darling.

Yeah, that really like playing with lots of other acrobats.

Just promise me that you'll never grow up and never get married.

-Relationships are evil.

-Erm...OK.

-So what did you two get up to today?

-We formed a band. Me and Roly.

-Shut up!

-No, we did. Our first gig is tomorrow night.

-No way!

-Way!

No, no, seriously. No way. Roly's with his dad tomorrow night.

It's his weekend.

KNOCKING ON DOOR It's open!

Hey, Andy. You hungry?

-Nah...I'm all right.

-Come on, I've made way too much.

Nah, I'm...on a diet.

Yeah? And I'm holding a big fuck-off knife.

This is really good.

Thanks, man.

Nice apartment, too, innit?

Yeah. So, Sam tells me you've been helping out with Roly.

Yeah, here and there.

-Be honest, does she hate my guts with the whole custody thing?

-Nah.

Come on, I can take it.

Yeah, she hates your fucking guts.

I can't blame her. You know, I'm actually proud of her.

Getting herself clean, going back to uni.

She's really turned her life around.

-How do you find Roly?

-Yeah, good.

Little ladies' man is what he is. Every week, he's telling me

about some new girl at school. Gets it from his old man.

-Yeah.

-Don't ever get divorced, Andy.

It turns people ugly. I mean, I can eat a lot of shit,

but when it comes to my boy, it's all about two words.

-Peanut allergy.

-No compromise.

I will never compromise with him. Ever.

But I want you to know, I'm not out to hurt Sam.

I'm just want to do what's right for the Rolster.

-You understand, don't you?

-Definitely, yeah.

-Good. Now, can I ask you something?

-Yes.

What the fuck are you doing here?!

I don't know if you remember, but we were never exactly mates.

-What did you used to call me?

-Ben? Just...Ben.

Yeah, that's what you called me to my face. But what did you call me behind my back?

Ben...Ben...Ben...

-Bendy dick.

-Bendy dick. That's right.

Your sister and her big mouth. I bet she never told you why it bends?

I was in a BMX accident when I was eight.

And loads of famous people have got bendy dicks. Bill Clinton!

He was the leader of the free world, he's got a bendy dick.

George Clooney probably has a bendy dick.

You must have some serious shit to say to me to turn up like this

out of nowhere.

I just wanted to ask if I could take Errol to a concert tomorrow night?

Why would I let you do that? Friday's my night.

I know, "no compromise", but he really wants to go.

I'm just trying to look out for the little guy, just like you.

OK. I'll let you take Errol to the concert if you kiss my feet,

and say I have a beautiful dick.

I'm totally serious.

If taking my son away from me is this important to you, I have to see it.

Both feet.

Now say it.

-(You have a beautiful...)

-Can't hear you.

-You have a beautiful dick!

-What's so funny?

-Errol called before you came.

I already gave permission.

I...like your tie.

Oh, thanks. Yeah, it's not a clip-on.

So, Ruby, do you like listening to music?

-Yeah.

-What sort of bands do you like?

I don't know, like One Direction.

No way. That's Errol's favourite band, isn't it, Errol?

-Really?

-Erm...yeah.

Who's your favourite member? Mine's Zayn.

-Yeah, me too.

-No way!

'And I have all their singles.'

I've signed up for their fan club,

but I haven't been in it as long as my friend, Clara.

She's always on about how she's loved them since X Factor.

-What's your favourite song?

-It's...erm... Dah-dah-dat-dah-duh...

Oh, yeah! Little Things. That's my third favourite.

You guys sit down. I'll be right back. My treat.

One free Family Feast to stay in, por favor.

-Oh, hello.

-Oh, hi.

-You are Errol's teacher, Melodie.

-Good memory.

I never forget a pretty name.

-What are you doing in here?

-Oh, I just live around the corner.

No, you shouldn't have told me that. Could be a stalker.

I'm not a stalker.

That's the sort of thing a stalker would say.

I'm going to stop talking now.

You never know, cos I could be stalking you.

I would like a stalker.

Because I don't own a dog, so I could use the company.

-What are you doing here?

-I am chaperoning Errol on his first date.

Oh, he's on a date with Ruby?

He's wearing a suit. He's such a little gentleman.

I think he looks like a Jehovah's Witness.

OK, one Family Feast to eat in. One Family Feast to take away.

You're having a Family Feast? Are you expecting company?

Yeah. It's not like I'm going back to my flat

and eat a pile of fried chicken alone with my two cats.

That would be sad.

Well, it was good seeing you.

Why don't you come over and say hello?

I'm sure Errol would love to see you.

Look who I found!

Oh, hi, Miss Thomas.

Hi, guys. Are you enjoying your half term?

I've already done the holiday reading you gave us.

Errol and I have formed a band.

Oh, cool. What kind of music do you play?

-The awesome kind.

-I play the keyboards.

Just like Louis!

We've got a gig tonight at Cox. You should come along.

-Isn't that a gay club?

-Not when I'm there.

Is it true you know Harry from One Direction?

Errol said you taught him guitar.

Yes, that's true. I taught him everything he knows.

Well, I have to admit, I have a bit of crush on him.

Dirty old lady.

Not that you're old...or dirty... I mean, she's old.

-You're quite clean.

-Oh, I really should get going.

-Clean young lady!

-It was good seeing you all.

-Are you going to come to that gig tonight?

-I'll try.

I might have a thing but...maybe. Yeah. Maybe.

-Bye, Miss Thomas. She's pretty.

-Yeah, I'd give her a seven.

-I'm really glad you asked me out.

-Really?

-Yeah!

Now, I have someone to talk about One Direction with.

-It's like having another girlfriend.

-Girlfriend? What do you mean?

You're the only boy I know who likes One Direction.

-I've always wanted a gay friend.

-Wait a minute, I'm not gay.

It's OK. I don't mind. I love Alan Carr.

You don't understand.

I only said I liked One Direction because you like them.

But really, I hate them. I think they're awful

and I think their music's awful.

So, when's the second date?

Never. She thought I was gay!

You told her I like One Direction, and then she thought I was gay.

So, I told her I hate One Direction and now she hates me!

-Does she think I'M gay?

-Who cares? This is all your fault!

My fault? I didn't want to come out on your stupid toddler date

in the first place. It's not my problem you struck out.

That's it! I quit the band.

-Hey, shithead.

-I lost Errol.

-What?

He just ran off. I've been driving around everywhere looking for him, but I can't find him.

And someone's probably kidnapped him and it'll be all over the news,

and they'll use a photo of me,

and people will see that photo and they'll say,

"Yeah, the uncle definitely did it. Just look at him."

But I didn't kill him, I didn't do that.

Andy, shut up. Errol's here.

He got home a few minutes ago. He took the bus.

He's locked himself in the bathroom.

Hey, mate?

Errol, I know you're mad at me.

I deserve it, all right?

I get it.

It's just...

I mean...what do I know about girls?

Look at me. My love life's a nuclear disaster zone.

I'm sorry I messed things up between you and Ruby.

I just really wanted things to work out for you because...

..I really need you in this band.

I should have just told you to be yourself.

I mean...if you're with the right girl, that's all that really counts.

Ruby's the one that's missing out.

Fuck One Direction. Fuck 'em.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Where are you? You're on in an hour.

We're not going to make it. Sorry.

Useless, fat twat.

You still not going to tell me what happened?

You know, me and your Uncle Andy used to fight all the time.

We still do, but not like we used to.

I remember one time he was going through a glam phase,

and he borrowed my stirrup leggings without asking.

He was a lot thinner back then.

Anyway, I found them in the laundry with massive split up the bum.

-He wouldn't admit to it.

-So, what did you do?

I cut nipple holes in his Stone Roses T-shirt, but that's not the point.

The point is that I forgave him, because, eventually, we all screw up

and we can only hope there'll be someone there to forgive us

when it's our turn.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, I'm Sam, I'm your sister. This is Roly, he's your nephew.

It's really nice to meet you.

-Ooh! Holy shit, those are soft hands.

-What are you doing here?

Don't we have a gig to get to?

Well, I'm glad you said that,

because I've figured out the bare minimum we need

-to make this band work.

-What's that?

Two bears.

All right, gorgeous?

-Andy!

-Shelly? You're here?

I saw your post online. I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Do you have time for a drink later?

Yeah, definitely.

Weren't they fabulous?!

Now our final band is called...

Really?

The Bear Maximum!

Thanks. This song is about a girl.

# When I think about you You make my pants go all tight

# You're crawling round in my head You taunt me all through the night

# I see you walk in the room You make me weak at the knees

# I've not had sex in a while I'll do whatever you please

# I feel my temperature rise I feel my jaw start to drop

# You drive me out of my mind Oh, please just give me a shot... #

They're actually pretty good.

# You've got me down on my knees You've got me begging for more... #

-You're not going to let them win, are you?

-Not a chance.

# Now come and knock down my door

# I don't like you I love, love you

# I don't like you

# I love, love you

# I'll take you home after work I'll take you up to your house

# And then I'll give you a kiss But not a kiss on the mouth

# I'll take you higher and higher To places you've never been

# And you can probably tell

# This song was written by him. #