Episode 4 Uncle

This programme contains very strong language

Morning.

Hey there, rock star. Sleep well?

Like a corpse.

I can't believe I'm in Andy King's bed.

Me neither. Let's get out of here before he comes back.

Er, no big deal, but I think the condom MAYBE broke that last time.

What?! Please tell me you're on the pill.

I'm kidding! Don't worry, I'm not some kind of Fatal Attraction.

HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

You hungry?

-Yeah, like the wolf.

-Why don't I make us something?

Huh, you're wearing my Alice Cooper T-shirt!

Yeah, I found it on the floor. Hope it's OK.

Girlfriend's prerogative. Not that I'm your girlfriend.

I mean, I am a girl, and your friend, hopefully...

Oh, God.

-Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict.

-ALL:

-Hi, Sam.

I thought I had it under control.

I felt like Grace Kelly,

but I looked more like Russell Brand in a River Island jumper.

I've been clean now for a little over a year.

At the moment, I'm building up the courage to tell my son

what really...really happened.

But I'm very thankful that he has such a loving and present father,

even if I get a bit jealous of the time they spend together.

I try and tell myself that...

(love is not a competition.)

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Ooh. Is that...? Yeah.

The cravings have gone, which I never thought I'd say.

I mean, sometimes when I speak to my ex, I could just kill for a line!

But I know I just have to focus on the present.

-MOBILE PHONE BUZZES

-It's really just about

staying in the moment, no matter what...

Er, sorry.

I should get this.

STRUMMING ON GUITAR

What's wrong with my guitar?

I fixed it. The lower E string was really out of tune.

It was in drop D.

I always keep my axe in drop D, for shredding.

Oh. Sorry, I should've asked first.

I think you mean...AXED first.

It's fine, don't worry about it.

Wow, that's lovely. Thank you very much.

Are you not eating?

No, not hungry. But I like watching you eat.

Like putting a tiny piece of myself inside you.

Shit! I'd better get ready.

I'm singing at a Bar Mitzvah in two hours. Living the dream, right?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-What?

-'I'm taking you out for lunch.'

I'm already eating, actually.

When's that ever stopped you? Ben just invited me to his mother's.

He's got some big announcement,

but I'm not going into the scorpion's nest alone.

If I can pretend I'm normal for a couple of hours,

he might drop the custody case. I need you there to keep me out of trouble.

Are you forgetting who you're even talking to?

DOORBELL RINGS

Doorbell. Got to go.

You're coming.

What's that smell?

It's like baked beans and sex.

That's my new deodorant... Sexy Beans.

Look, I'm not free and you can't be here right now...

Oh. Hi.

Uh, Shelly, this is my sister, Sam.

Shelly's just here... helping me out with that thing...

Any time. If that problem happens again, you know who to call.

I do, thank you very much. I have your business card.

(I'm taking your T-shirt. If you want it back, you better call.

(PS, I love role-play.)

-Nice meeting you.

-Nice meeting you.

I thought you HAD a girlfriend. Roly was telling me about Gwen?

Shelly's not my girlfriend.

She just a girl who comes round and says hello...

With her vagina. Please, I know the walk of shame. I invented it.

One minute you're blackout drunk, the next thing, you're waking up

next to some Brazilian banker in his Holiday Inn executive suite.

Which, by the way, is not as roomy as it sounds.

Now, are you coming or am I telling Gwen about your sexcapades?

-You haven't even got her number.

-Oh, there we go.

Here it is. Under favourites. Bless.

Give it back. Give it back. Sam... Give me back my phone!

-Are you coming? It's ringing, it's ringing!

-Hang up!

Wait.

Shit fuck dick balls crap cock arse motherfucker bitch pussy rimjob.

-Good?

-Yup.

Hi, munchkin!

What's he doing here?

I've come to give you the news.

You're adopted.

Phew, what a load off!

Hello, stranger! Andy.

Sorry I didn't warn you he was coming. He just insisted.

-I can go, if it's too much trouble.

-No. Stay. We're all family here.

(You'd better not fuck today up for me.)

Dad, am I adopted?

No. Where did you get that rubbish?

Fizzy drinks. Shrinking kids' brains.

Like syphilis in a can.

Couldn't agree more. They're toxic.

Rex, hey!

Good to see you, Ands, my man. Hey, Sammy.

Rex. Good to see you.

I thought you were saving the world somewhere?

Rwanda, yeah. I'm on leave from OpSmile for two weeks.

Just long enough to catch up with the fam.

You guys get comfy. I'll tell Mum you're here.

You'll never guess what Uncle Rex got me from Africa.

-A malaria tent?

-A bracelet.

-Masculine(!)

-It's beautiful, darling.

Last-minute gift from Duty Free? I've been there.

Actually, a little girl made it for me after I fixed her cleft palate.

It's so rewarding, watching them

look in the mirror for the first time and hear them say,

"That's me. That's what I look like now."

Yeah. Actually, that reminds me. I got you a gift too, Errol.

There you go.

Er, thanks.

You're welcome. And remember, that's not any old opened pack of gum.

I got that from an old homeless guy after I bought him a beer.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Joan.

If it isn't my favourite ex-daughter-in-law.

-I'm your ONLY ex-daughter-in-law.

-Awww!

Did Errol tell you, he set up the dining table all by himself?

Made the name cards and everything.

Mum, you're sitting next to Dad.

Oh, great.

Andy, what a lovely surprise.

Like that time you fell face first into the wedding cake.

I can't remember anything about that night. I was wasted.

Yes. We remember.

Speaking of, what would everyone like to drink?

I know you love a good glass of white, don't you, Sam?

Oh, Joan, you know I can't...

..wait to try...some of your white. That would be lovely.

Ben, can I have a word? It's about school fees.

Since we're pairing up, can I get a quick band meeting, Errol?

C'mon, it's a simple question, who do you choose?

-And you're the same distance away?

-Yes. The house is on fire.

We're both inside, we're both the exact same distance from you

and you can only save one of us.

Is it me or is it Rex?

Well, Rex is a doctor, so if I get hurt saving him...

Come on, you're not seriously going to pick Jesus Christ, Super Surgeon?

-Why? Are you jealous?

-Pfft. Of that clown? Please.

Now, we're both unconscious, so our skills don't come into play this time.

-Who do you pick?

-You want me to pick a favourite?

-No...

I just want you to tell me

which one of your uncles you don't want burning to death.

Hypothetically.

Do you think Mum and Dad are getting back together? I think that's what Dad's announcement is.

Pick an uncle and I'll tell you.

OK, I'll pick one, but I need time to think about it.

-You said you were going to tell her.

-I am, I just...haven't yet.

It's been a year. She's going to find out I was in rehab at some point.

Where does she think I disappeared to?

I might have told her you went to stay with your parents in Spain

to regroup after the separation.

You have terrible honesty issues.

It's just...if Mum finds out you did drugs then she'll find out

I did them too, and I can't do that to her.

She doesn't even know I smoke cigarettes.

Can't you just play along, please, for Roly?

Fine. So, what's this big news?

I'm not telling till after lunch.

-Are you dropping the custody case?

-Um...no.

Are you dying? Is it that weird lump on your ball?

What? No. What weird lump?

You're like one of those bomb sniffing dogs.

Ehh, have you got any beer?

Cheers.

You know, you might not remember the wedding, but I do.

And aside from the heartbreak of watching my son make the biggest

mistake of his life, it was one of the more enjoyable nights I've had.

Yeah, the band were good, weren't they?

I'm not talking about the band.

Errol's a lucky boy. Two strapping uncles looking out for him.

-Keep him on his toes.

-What are you two gossiping about?

Your amazing cooking.

Rex is making spring lamb au jus with potatoes dauphinoise.

I swear, if he hadn't become a paediatric surgeon,

-he'd be a Michelin star chef by now.

-It's nothing.

The secret is you've just got to slow roast it for ages

on an achingly low temp until the meat just melts off the bone.

You are just too perfect.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be the others.

"You're just too perfect."

Andy! Hey.

Bruce? What are you doing here?

Our kids play on the same football team. How do you two...?

-Fight club.

-Mate! First rule.

Watch out for this one, she tackles like John Terry.

Let's hope she isn't racist like John Terry.

-Allegedly.

-Mrs Meyer, these are for you.

-Oh, they're lovely. Where did you get them?

-Tesco.

Hey, Bruce. How's Claire?

Great. Busy managing the salon. Work, work, work.

She did Tiff's nails. Show her, Tiff.

-Wow. Those are fab.

-Do you like them, Errol?

Mum's nail polish gives me a rash.

Bruce, this is my brother, Rex. He's visiting from Africa.

Oh, cool. My dad's Nigerian. Igbo.

Kedu ka imere?

- Yes. - What did you say, Uncle Rex?

I asked how he was doing, in Igbo.

"Entres dans mon Jacuzzi." What's that in French, Errol?

-Get in my Jacuzzi?

-You're welcome.

Sam, would you help me put these in water?

Come on, kids, I'll tell you about how I helped a lioness give birth.

Spoiler alert - he's the father.

I didn't know you were mates with Ben.

Er, we're not really. He invited Tiff so Errol would have company.

I swear I wouldn't have come if I knew you and Sam were here.

I mean, with the custody thing. I hate picking sides.

Yeah, but if you had to, you'd pick Sam, right?

-She's always saying how much she likes you.

-Really?

No. But she could have been.

-Now, I'm cooler than Rex, aren't I?

-Yeah, definitely.

If you were a boy band, he'd be like Gary Barlow.

He gets all the respect, but Robbie's having ALL the fun.

But people still respect Robbie as well, right?

Yeah, sure.

Now tell me this - is it incest

if you had sex with your ex-GILF-in-law?

What?

Never mind.

Isn't Errol doing well?

I know. Did he tell you he got an A on his family tree project?

Brilliant.

You know, I was so worried about him after the separation.

Especially while you were in Spain, living it up.

Thank goodness Ben was around to pick up the pieces.

-You still haven't touched your wine.

-I'm just...saving it for the meal.

Sam, are we friends?

Of course. Yes.

Oh, good.

I was afraid we had a Queen Liz and Diana thing going on.

-We know how that ended.

-Right, so who's Charles?

The family is Charles. And we all want what's best for Charles, don't we?

I mean, just because you ran off to Spain when Errol needed you most,

doesn't mean your heart isn't in the right place.

I'm sure you had your reasons.

Here, let's make a toast... to Charles.

Actually, I just remembered. I'm on antibiotics.

-Shouldn't be drinking.

-Just a sip won't kill you.

Come on, drink up, or I'll feel insulted.

This is grape juice.

Like I'd give wine to an addict! That was too easy.

How can you be trusted with Errol's custody

when you can't even stay on the wagon?

You knew I was in rehab?

A friend of mine spotted you in the same clinic as her anorexic daughter.

Don't tell Ben I know. He likes to think he has secrets.

Just going to go and put change in the meter.

-Who do you support, Errol?

-He's a Gooner, like his uncle and me.

You said you were a Spurs fan, like your mum and me.

What? I like them both. I couldn't possibly pick a favourite.

You can't like Tottenham AND Arsenal! That's like rooting for the Nazis and the French Resistance.

Arsenal have more French players, doesn't that make Spurs the Nazis?

-Spurs have a lot of Jewish fans, though.

-Not many Jewish Nazis, are there?

Since when do you care about football, Andy?

You should support Fulham, like us. Nobody gets hurt when you support Fulham. They're Switzerland.

Oh, that reminds me. This is a football field I helped build when I was stationed in Somalia.

Nice job(!) There's not even any grass on it.

I know, but the kids don't mind.

It used to be a mass grave.

Can you guess what it's called now?

"No grass field"?

-It's called Errolfield.

-Nice touch, bro.

Very cool.

Looking at that dusty field makes me feel thirsty.

Uncle Andy, I'd really like an apple juice.

Your legs aren't broken.

You can have my drink, Errol. I didn't touch the sides.

Thanks, but I really just want some apple juice. It's my...favourite.

I'll get you one, mate.

I got this one, T-Rex.

Oh, help yourself.

You certainly did at the wedding.

Um...where's Sam?

Not sure. Have you tried Spain?

ALL: Ohh!

His highness's apple juice.

Not thirsty any more.

Bruce, if you and Tiff are interested,

Rex and I are taking Errol camping next weekend.

I'm going to teach this little guy all about edible plants.

Uncle Rex makes botany really fun.

Botany's my...FAVOURITE.

I ate an orchid on a Thai beef salad once.

It was interesting.

Yeah, well, what did I teach you last week?

How to delete my search history?

Bingo. And that is a skill for life.

Right, half-time. Who's up for a game of three-a-side?

Um...

Dad.

Bruce.

Yes!

You should pick Andy. I haven't played in ages.

-Bit rusty.

-Uncle...

Rex.

Andy, I guess.

MUSIC: "Dig A Little Deeper" by Peter Bjorn and John

# Oh-oh

# Oh-oh

# You think you've got it made

# I'm trying to have some fun

# You think you know it all

# I've only just begun

# You're sliding on the surface

# I'm reaching for the bottom

# The past is always present

# The future fades away

# And if you think your brain is hollow

# You just have to scream

-# And dig a little deeper... #

-He's amazing.

Heard West Ham tried signing him,

but he just wanted to be a doctor.

Well, then...

It's time to send him back to the hospital.

-MUSIC: "Iron Man" by Black Sabbath

-Go, go, go! Take him!

Oh, shit...

GLASS SMASHES

I'm really, really sorry.

It's fine.

I'm sure you can find a way of making it up to me.

What were you doing kicking the ball like that, anyway?

It was a mis-kick.

Bruce, did that look like a mis-kick to you?

I didn't see. My contact fell out.

But you're wearing your glasses.

Where's Mum?

Mum?

Mum?

Maybe she ran away.

Why would you say that?

That's what my dad did - my real dad.

He was a worthless fart-hole.

That's what my mum says.

Do you think you'll ever get married?

Oh, yeah, definitely! Yeah.

I want loads of kids.

If I have a girl, I'm going to call her Scout,

like in To Kill A Mockingbird.

If I have a boy, I'm going to call him Spock.

I don't want a husband, though. I'm going to get a sperm donor.

-What's that?

-I'm not really sure. I heard about it on Jeremy Kyle.

Have you ever kissed a girl on the mouth?

The human mouth has over 1,000 different types of bacteria.

So, is that a "no"?

Er...

Oh, just close your eyes.

What are you two doing in my bedroom?

We're not kissing on the mouth.

No, you hang up first.

No, you hang up first!

-HANGS UP

-Look, about your mum's face.

Um... It was an accident.

Not her face - she's got a beautiful face.

Not in a sexy way.

-For her age...

-Did you find Sam?

-Not yet.

-This is typical.

When we were married, she'd always disappear like this

after a big fight. She was always paranoid I was cheating on her.

-Were you cheating on her?

-Not always.

-Look, about that call...

-You don't need to explain.

No, I want to.

See...I've been seeing someone else.

That's why I invited everyone here.

Everyone else, not you.

I wanted Errol to have as many people around him as possible

for support, when I break the news.

Do you think he'll be all right?

Yeah, sure. He's a tough kid.

As long as he's got his inhaler.

Y'ello!

Er... Are you all right?

Yeah! Yeah, I'm great. Just got some dust in my eyes.

-I should probably tell the others I found you...

-No, just...wait.

Just give me a minute.

Ben and I used to come up here and smoke a joint

while Joan was changing Errol's nappies.

You must think I'm really stupid

hiding in an attic like... Anne Frank or something.

Sometimes I tell Claire I'm going out to buy milk

but I'm really going to Starbucks to work on my comics.

-You draw comics?

-Well, webcomics.

And I can't actually draw, it's more stick figures with witty writing.

ATTEMPTED witty writing.

Yeah, I know, "Grow up, Bruce."

-Claire thinks it's stupid too.

-It's not stupid. It's sweet.

-I just didn't know you were so... nerdy.

-Really?!

I mean, come on, look at me.

-I guess you're right!

-Thanks(!)

I am a terrible mother, aren't I?

What? No. You're a great mum.

I see the way Roly looks at you.

That's just his lazy eye.

But you look like you know what you're doing.

What's your secret?

Honestly? When things get too much...

I have a special pillow I scream into.

-How often do you need the pillow?

-Not often.

About ten times a day.

And if you don't have a pillow to hand,

you can use your arm.

Like so...

Nngh!

Nnnnghh!

-Ooh...!

-Wow! Better?

-I feel a little bit light-headed.

-Yeah, I know, right?

Oh...this is it.

I'm going to be a single mum for the rest of my life.

I'm going to end up like Joan. Some nasty, mean, bitchy cow

who hasn't had a willy up her in about a century

Don't worry, you'll get a willy up you.

But seriously, I... I think you'll find someone.

You know, you're smart, funny, attractive...

-You're great at hide and seek.

-You found me.

Well, I'm an excellent seeker.

Found her!

What on earth are you doing up here?

What happened to your face?

What's that smell?

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Shit!

It's ruined.

Who's up for curry, then?

I don't mind it a little well-done.

-Uncle Rex, why did you set it so high?

-I...didn't.

Duhn-duhn-duhnnn.

-We'd better call Scotland Yard, then.

-You did this!

-Whoa, Rex, slow down.

-Andy's never touched an oven in his life.

-He can barely cook a Pot Noodle.

-Yeah.

Why would I want to ruin my own lunch?

I don't know. You tell me. You've been jabbing at me all day.

What, did I piss you off in a past life or something?

"Oh, the golden boy never does anything wrong.

"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best surgeon.

"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best chef.

"Oh, look at me, I'm the world's best uncle!"

Well, at least I've put my time in with Roly.

-Where've you been this last decade?!

-Please stop fighting over me.

BOTH: Stay out of this, Errol!

You are like a one-man typhoon. Is there anything you can't ruin?

Oh, get over it, love.

I'm sorry I shagged you and then never called.

Have you lost your mind?!

We never shagged.

Er, hello? The wedding.

We shared a joint at the wedding, you idiot.

What's a joint?

-It's a marijuana cigarette.

-Where did you learn that?

-Jeremy Kyle.

-So, wait, you're judging me for going to rehab,

-while you're the pothead?

-I tried it once, 12 years ago.

That hardly makes me Keith Richards.

I tried peyote once in Guadalajara.

Big deal, I did meth twice in Hackney.

Well, two and a half times. It's complicated.

Mum, wait, you knew Sam went to rehab?

Of course I did, darling, I'm your mother.

-Anyway, everyone's in rehab, it's the new black.

-What's rehab?

-Hotel for druggies.

-But, Mum, I thought you were sick.

I was, munchkin. I'll explain everything later.

Why didn't you say you knew? I could have used your support.

Because she loves keeping secrets.

I'm sure she knows you did all the coke in Colombia too.

That isn't true, is it?

-Ben?

-What's wrong with Coca-cola?

They're talking about cocaine.

-Jesus, Tiff!

-Jeremy Kyle?

Top Gear.

This is your fault! I knew you'd find a way of screwing this day up!

My fault? I'm not the one that invited everyone here

to make a big announcement.

Trust me, mate, no-one cares that you're getting laid.

What's he talking about?

Well, I didn't want everyone to find out like this, but, um...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT ..I've been seeing someone.

Her name's Veronica.

-Is she joining us?

-Not today,

but I wanted to prepare everyone for the idea.

To avoid any dramas.

So you're emotionally fluffing us? That is so typical of you.

Your ego is so inflated

you have to make a major event out of everything!

Well, excuse me if I thought this was important.

You're the one who left me, remember?

-I wanted to work things out.

-You were driving me crazy!

My wife's cheating on me!

-Errol? Errol, are you all right?

-Oh, my God!

It's his asthma. It's the smoke.

I'll get his inhaler, it's in my purse.

OK, Errol, I need you to try and take slow, deep breaths for me.

OK, mate? Breathe...

It's not working!

I don't think it's his asthma. I think it's a panic attack.

Errol, I need you to try and think of something relaxing.

# When you're going to the loo

# And your pants are full of poo

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When you're climbing up a ladder

# And you're feeling something splatter

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When your stomach starts to hurt

# And you need to squirt some dirt

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When you're sitting on a mountain

# And your bum becomes a fountain...

ALL: # Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

# When you're driving in your car

# And your house is just too far

# Diarrhoea, diarrhoea. #

Joan, I know you think I'm a mess,

and I have my moments, but I am a good mum.

I know.

And I'm sorry for earlier.

I can get a bit "Mommy Dearest" when I'm let out of my cage.

Ben and I should have been straight with you from the start.

We all really need to communicate better. For Roly's sake.

Because I would like to be friends, Joan.

We don't have to be friends, darling.

We're family!

More grape juice?

Look, um, I'm sorry I ruined your roast.

It's just with all your cool stories and...

The way Roly looks up to me?

No, actually, just your cool stories.

-You know I sometimes get jealous of you, right?

-Really, why?

You make him laugh and you've got that whole music connection...

I've got no musical talent whatsoever.

Yeah, you're right.

I suppose I am an unbelievably cool uncle.

Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, sometimes being handsome

and super intelligent isn't everything.

How did it go?

He's going to need time to process.

He's asked to see his uncles.

Did you know I've got a tattoo?

I'd show it you, but it's in a...

hard to reach place.

-Can you guess what it says?

-"Boobs", with nipples inside the Os?

I wish. No, it says, "Will you go out with me, Dolores?"

She was a girl at uni.

I thought she'd be won over by my, um...

dedication.

What did she say?

Well, she laughed in my face.

After I pulled my trousers back up.

Point is, that thing is going nowhere.

Just like us.

And, sure, your dad might be seeing a new bird,

but he's still your dad, and your mum's still your mum,

and they both love you.

For some weird reason.

What your Uncle Andy's trying to say is,

if you ever need anyone to talk to, you know who to call.

BOTH: Me.

Did you make sure the needle was sterilised?

Because you know you can catch hepatitis from a tattoo.

Yeah, don't worry about that. I had it bleached, burnt and boiled.

Thanks, guys.

Nice job, man.

Yeah.

I'm definitely his favourite.

Mm...

Mm...

-Gingin?

-Yes, darling?

Earlier you said Mum and Dad's wedding was 12 years ago,

but I'm 12 and a half.

How does that work?

Ooh, poppadoms!

# Who am I

# Without you? #