Episode 5 Uncle

This programme contains some strong language.

Hey, pretty girl, let's go out together

Go out together

The first two weeks we'll rock

We'll laugh and frolic

You'll bake me a pie You're so sweet I could die

Hey, pretty girl, pretty girl

You're going to break my heart I can tell

I know how this ends

Go to hell, pretty girl Go to hell, hell, hell!

Hell, I mean, I'm still ironing out the lyrics but what do you think?

HE SIGHS

-I don't want to go on this school trip.

-What are you talking about?

A few days out on a farm sounds like fun.

Last year they went to Legoland.

Why can't we go to Legoland? Or Oslo, the cleanest city in Europe.

Clean? You're going to a farm. There'll be loads of fresh air.

-I have hay fever.

-All right then. Fresh milk...

-Lactose.

You're lactose intolerant. Erm, fresh eggs, then.

I'm keeping an eye on my cholesterol and there'll be ticks everywhere.

I could get Lyme disease!

It's better than Lemon disease.

I bet Murray Thomas is going to sit next to me on the bus.

He always blows his nose into the same handkerchief.

-You've to get me out of this, you're my favourite uncle.

-Nice try.

Look, once I got invited to a party and I turned it down.

I said, "No I'm not going," and I stayed in and played X-box instead.

-And do you know what? I found out later that that party turned into an orgy.

-What's that?

It doesn't matter. Point is, this trip will be good for you.

But if you need someone to talk to, you can always phone me.

And you'll answer, no matter what?

No matter what.

Unless you reverse the charges and then, no way.

This programme contains some strong language.

Wow, Kelly Talbot 'friended' me. I had my first spliff with her.

My God, her baby is so ugly

and she looks really old.

I love Facebook.

I don't look this old, do I? PHONE PINGS

-Who's that?

-Oh, it's Shelly.

-She keeps texting me.

-Oh, is it getting serious?

-Are you going to have ugly babies together?

-No!

She's just a fling while me and Gwen are on a break.

I think she wants a lot more.

She left her toothbrush in my bathroom.

-That's the uranium of grooming appliances.

-Shit, you have to be honest with her.

You can't just string her along. PHONE RINGS

-What were you saying about stringing people along?

-That's my sponsor.

She's very sweet, she's just not very cool.

But there's this woman in my group, Suzy.

She was a wild child in the '60s.

She slept with Hendrix, Jagger, all of Zeppelin.

I want HER to be my sponsor.

She'll be like my fucked up fairy godmother.

Oh, by the way. I gave your number to Roly's teacher, Melodie.

-She wanted it for some music day project.

-Cool.

Don't even think about sleeping with her.

-Oh, even if I say you look younger than Kelly Talbot?

-Not even then.

Fine, I'm a rubbish liar, anyway.

Ow!

-This is a lovely idea, Sam.

-Oh, I'm glad you think so, Agnes.

I love a bit of art therapy.

I was thinking that you must be getting tired of me.

No, not at all.

You know, I never had children,

but I've come to see you as a daughter.

Daughters move out though, don't they,

when they go to university or run off with their maths teacher?

Are you breaking up with me?

I just think we should see other people for a bit.

Yeah, it might be good for us.

PHONE BUZZES

-Yeah?

-'I did it!'

-I broke up with my sponsor. Did you talk to Shelly?

-Yeah...

-All done.

-I'm so proud of us, we're like real grown-ups,

taking life by the horns. Horning it up.

Andy?

Who's that? What's all done?

"All done" as in pizza delivery order.

I've just ordered a pizza.

A breakfast pizza with sausage and mushrooms and beans on it,

stuff like that. Should probably go and pick it up.

Don't they deliver?

Yeah, but I'm trying to save the planet from...

-all the scooter fumes.

-Aren't you driving?

Yes, but I'm driving very slowly.

PHONE RINGS

-I really can't talk now!

-Oh, sorry.

-Oh! Melodie?

-Hi, Andy.

-I'm not interrupting an important recording session, am I?

-No, no.

I was just stepping out. Drummers, eh?

Aren't you on that school trip with Errol?

God, no, I get a couple of days to spoil myself.

I hear you, porn and ice-cream.

SHE CHUCKLES

So, I wanted to ask about a music project,

'do you have time to meet?'

Sure, how about right now?

CHILDREN CHATTER

HE SNEEZES

OK, so you want me to produce a song for your class?

I can do that. I'd be like the Rick Rubin to their Beastie Boys.

-How much does it pay?

-Oh, uh, there's no money involved.

Just good will and biscuits, Mr Rubin.

Oh, I love giving back.

Not the biscuits, I'm keeping those.

So, what sort of sound are you looking for?

I don't know.

-Erm, The Beatles?

-Ugh, The Beatles.

They're a bit like the Labrador puppies of pop music, aren't they?

You should introduce them to something different,

something that'll blow their tiny little minds.

You should listen to some of the music in my record collection.

I don't have a record player.

You can listen round mine.

-I mean, it's not like a date or anything.

-Yeah, that would be great.

-How's about tomorrow?

-Perfect. It's a date.

TELEPHONE PINGS

Holy shit!

-You've gotta go.

-What?

-You gotta go.

Sam's on her way over, she's had a really bad haircut,

needs a shoulder to cry on.

-Said she looked like the Elephant Woman.

-Where's the pizza?

DOORBELL RINGS

Right, you need to climb out.

Sam'll be devastated if you see her like this.

Please, for me.

Tell her she owes me for this. OK?

Casper dumped me!

I'm so sorry to disturb you.

I would have gone to my dad's but you know how overprotective he is.

Casper said he needed space.

-What does that mean?

-It probably means he's cheating on you.

SHE CRIES

Wait! You know this does not mean we're getting back together, right?

Yeah. No, absolutely. No, we're not.

I need a piss.

PHONE RINGS

-What?

-You'll never guess what I just found out.

Babies aren't made in clouds?

They only have communal showers where we're going. Like prison!

-I bet Legoland have proper showers.

-You'll be fine. Don't drop the soap.

Wait! That's not the worst part. Murray Thomas wants to share bunks!

I can't do this, please, if you pick me up, I'll work on some new songs with you.

-No deal, I'm busy. I've just got back with Gwen.

-When did you break up with Shelly?

-Uh, soon.

-You can't have two girlfriends at the same time!

Are you the girlfriend police? I can have as many as I want.

If you juggle too many balls, you'll drop one.

What do you know about balls dropping?!

Why have you got two toothbrushes? Are you seeing somebody?

No, one of them's for my top set and the other one's for my bottoms.

Is that weird?

Suzy, I've been watching you in meetings.

Oh, it's so creepy.

Suzy, I think you're a cool chick.

Oh, my God, it's so cheesy.

Suzy, you're the shit, I'm the shit, let's shit together?

DOORBELL RINGS

What a fucking mess. It took me 20 minutes to find a parking space.

-I'm so sorry.

-What are you sorry for? It's not your fault, sweetheart.

Oh, sorry...

-Can I get you a drink?

-Coffee, the stronger the better.

-Ah, I only have decaf, I'm trying to quit caffeine.

-Why?

It's addictive.

Water's fine, darling.

-Is that your boy?

-Mmm.

-Looks a bit like Mick?

-Oh, Jagger?

Yeah, he's pretty rock 'n' roll, my Errol.

He's in a band. Do you have any children?

A daughter. She's a singer.

Oh, I wish I had a daughter.

Don't get me wrong, I love my Errol, but it would be nice

to have someone to swap clothes with and talk about boys.

He might be into that.

Can I just say, you are an inspiration...

I don't want to be your sponsor.

-What?

-I know how this goes.

I used to be you, young and addicted to recovery.

You think I'll be your new best friend, get our nails done together.

Look, I'm very flattered,

but I just don't have the energy for all that neediness.

I won't be needy, I swear. I swear I won't be.

-You're being needy right now.

-Yeah, well, how about this, then? Huh?

Rock 'n' roll.

You're adorable.

We're probably going to need the safe word

before we try that again.

I'm pregnant.

That is an excellent safe word.

No, I'm serious. I'm pregnant.

What, from just now?

No, from Casper.

Oh, OK.

I'll raise it like my own, I swear.

Andy, we're not back together. This was just meaningless sex.

Yeah, I know, that's my favourite kind of sex.

Are you about to cry?

Why do you always have to be so wounded?

You're like a walking Adele song.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Shit, that's probably my dad.

-What's he doing here?

I told him if I went missing to come looking at your place, in case you kidnapped me.

-You thought I'd kidnap you? Why would you say that?

-You texted -

"If I can't have you, I'll kidnap you."

-I was joking! I put a smiley face on it.

-You have to answer it! Go now!

She rejected me!

She said I was needy. Me?

If a baby is the most needy and a dead person the least, what would I be?

I don't know, a dead baby. Look, you have to go, Gwen's here.

-You didn't waste any time.

-What can I say? Casper's out, I'm in.

Everything's perfect.

DOORBELL RINGS

Shit, that's Gwen's dad.

-Tell him I'm away and you're looking after my cat.

-What cat?

Chairman Meow, do I have to think of everything?!

-Hi, Sam.

-Hi...Shelly.

Shell? What are you doing here?

My kids' birthday gig got cancelled, lice outbreak.

What are you two up to?

Oh, Andy was just lending me a DVD, second series of Breaking Bad.

-That's in the bedroom. I'll get it.

-No! I farted in there

and it still stinks.

-It's your dad, he's doing a sweep of the flat.

-Shit!

Your haircut's not that bad.

Gwen, look... When can I see you again?

I mean, for meaningless sex, or whatever?

I don't know, Andy, I'll call you.

PHONE RINGS

Master juggler speaking.

'We've only been here an hour'

and they've made us watch a cow give birth.

If that's what it's like, I owe Mum an apology.

No wonder she's always in a bad mood.

'And now Murray Thomas is asking if I'll be his best friend.'

How do I turn him down nicely?

-Andy?!

-I know what you're thinking.

-That I should cut your balls off and flush them down the toilet?

-She's a sweet girl, Andy. If you don't tell her, I will.

-No!

Hello?

-Whose is this?

-It's...

It's mine, my back was killing and so I whipped that baby off.

Boobs, huh? More trouble than they're worth, am I right?

-My boobs are killing me right now.

-I better be off.

-Don't you want your bra back?

-Oh, God, I'm always leaving those.

-Thank you.

-Tell her.

Your sister's a bit weird.

Films are a lot like life, really, aren't they?

There's a beginning, a middle and then an end.

This, Toy Story, Die Hard,

the first three, not the last two, they were shit.

Everything ends eventually, even if the sex is really, really good.

Sex, in Toy Story?

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Have you ever touched a pig, Andy?'

They made us catch pigs.

'Their skin, it's so human.

'Fleshy. Pink. The trotters...'

like tiny deformed hands.

'One of them snorfed on me. I think I have swine flu.'

-What number are you calling from?

-'They took my phone,'

I'm in the farm manager's office.

I couldn't sleep. Murray Thomas was having night terrors.

'Please, I swear - if you pick me up,'

I will iron your clothes for a year,

-'even the underwear, whatever it takes.'

-Will you break up with Shelly for me?

DOG BARKS

Shit.

Coward!

Hello, Sam. I wanted to say congrats on Suzy being your new sponsor.

I can see the appeal.

She is very cool and her vagina's a shrine to rock 'n' roll,

so...no hard feelings.

Is it true?

About me and Janis? Yeah, it was just the one night.

No, about you being my sponsor?

-If I say yes, do you swear you won't hug me?

-I swear.

Yes.

See, not a hug.

PHONE RINGS

Morning, sunshine.

You really should lock your windows, you never know who might crawl in.

-Where's...?

-Your little lady friend? She's in the shower.

Sorry if my hands are cold.

Why are you...? Ugh!

Gwen told me about your little rekindling.

Little? She said it was average plus.

See, my little Gwenny, she tells me everything.

Looks like you forgot to tell her something, though.

She's just a friend!

In crotchless panties?

Those are for ventilation.

Ow!

I used to be like you, sticking my dick in every hole.

Enough booze, I would have put it in a Hoover. Problem is,

it doesn't have the answers and it's reckless.

My dick's not the one that got knocked up by Casper, the Emo Ghost.

-Oh!

-Looks like she doesn't tell you everything.

-I don't believe you.

If I'm lying, I'll let you come back and finish the job off.

I'll even let you have my Hoover.

I'd go and see a doctor if I was you. I think I felt a lump.

I'm so late. I'm supposed to be singing at this lesbian wedding in an hour.

It's freezing. Why's the window open?

Are you all right? You look pale.

I think I felt a lump.

DOORBELL RINGS

Sam, I'm getting a little bit tired of all these surprise visits.

Sorry, I know I'm early.

I was going to wait in my car, but I had a grande macchiato

and I'm bursting. Can I please use your loo?

Oh, God, you forgot about our meeting, didn't you?

-No, toilet is right there.

-Oh, God. Thank you. Thank you.

Let's get you to this lesbian wedding. Who's on the phone?

It's your nephew. He seems really upset.

He said he had something really important to tell me.

Andy, I need to get my hair clip from the bathroom.

-No, you don't. Your hair looks amazing down.

-That's sweet,

but I really should get it.

TOILET FLUSHES

Who's in there?

-It's erm...

-Hairdressers again.

No, custody case. The full waterworks.

-Aw, poor thing. OK, well, give her a hug from me.

-Yeah, I will.

Ah...

That's better. Who were you talking to?

Myself.

I thought I heard a woman's voice.

Yes, I am very in touch with my feminine side.

That explains the hair clip.

Do you mind if I borrow it, I left mine at home?

No, sure, knock yourself out.

I think you're going to love this.

Oh, The Adicts, sounds...lovely.

I'm not sure it's quite right for the children though.

You're kidding, the kids are going to love this.

I was getting stoned listening to this when I was 13.

-You started smoking pot when you were 13?

-No, 11.

Do you want to get mashed up? It'll make this music sound even better.

Oh, erm...

I really, er... No.

Thank you.

-I've made you feel uncomfortable, haven't I?

-No, I'm comfortable.

This sofa's very soft

and I've got my rape whistle with me.

I'm kidding.

Forget it, it's fine.

I've done it again. I'm always doing this.

Things are going well, I'm being interesting...

I was being interesting, right?

Very, it was like a Ted Talk.

-Then we go and ruin it all.

-No.

Look, if you want to hit up your bong,

you go for it.

I might even have a puff.

MUSIC: "Zorro Is Back" by Oliver Onions

# Here's to being free

# Here's to you and me

# Here's to being free

# La, la, la, la, la, la Zorro's back

# It's fun to be

# It's fantasy

# He's so glad

-# To know the world as Zorro

-Zor-ro... #

So, have you really got a rape whistle?

Yeah.

I mean, don't take it personally. I bring it to my knitting circle.

I've heard them bitches be crazy.

You know, the class did an essay on three people they admired.

Errol picked Alexander Fleming for penicillin,

Edward Jenner for the smallpox vaccine

and you.

-Me?

-Uh-huh.

What did I do?

You're a good person.

You're a good teacher.

PHONE RINGS

It's Errol.

OK. This better be a real emergency.

I'm talking broken leg or alien abduction minimum.

Do you know what a cloaca is?

'It's the hole chickens poop and lay eggs out of.'

They use it for everything. Everything. Even, coitus.

-Coitus?

-It's another word for...

I know what coitus is. I thought you had your phone confiscated.

Murray Thomas stole it back for me. We're best friends now.

-I thought you hated that guy?

-He's pretty hilarious once you get to know him.

He mooned a goat earlier and it chased him.

Plus, he offered to buy me a subscription

to New Scientist magazine.

-That's worth £35.

-You cheap slut.

Yeah, so, I don't need you to pick me up any more.

'Perfect. Then you go to bed,'

cos I've got to go and make sweet coitus

and, if I'm lucky, she'll let me play with her cloaca.

# Melodie, girl, look what you did

# You're on the teaching staff And you're great with kids

# You're caring and you're sensitive

# But you just don't turn me on like Shelly

# Shelly, girl, you're irresistible

# You're talented and you rock my world

# You're just like me except you are a girl

# But you've got no self-esteem Like Gwen does

# Gwen, Gwen, you're in my head

# I remember every word you said

# And the time you chained me to my bed

# I just can't choose between

# I don't know how I'll carry on

# You're all perfect except for one thing wrong

# If I could only roll you in to one

# I guess I'll have to fuck you all

# I love you each despite your flaws

# I'll be the man you each adore

# It's the only way it can work for sure

# There's enough of me to spread round and round and round. #

That's really good.

It's my ex. I'm going to use it as an ashtray.

That way I can smash every fag end into his face.

Cool.

I remember after I got separated, I went through the wedding album

and cut Ben's crotch out of every photo.

They're all in an envelope now. Hundreds of tiny crotches.

It was oddly soothing.

Oh, God, I wish I was your age again.

35? Why? My boobs are starting to drop.

I don't care about boobs dropping.

-I want to be your age so I can relapse again.

-Huh?

You're young in drug years.

You can relapse at least three more times.

Some of my best highs were after I fell off the wagon.

I got pregnant during a relapse.

You've got some great times ahead of you.

You know, I'm really glad Agnes talked me into being your sponsor.

-She did?

-Said there was something special about you.

I'm beginning to see that now.

DOORBELL RINGS

TELEPHONE PINGS

Shit!

-It's my landlord, I'm not allowed girls over.

-What? Why?

He's in love with me. It's a weird jealousy thing. Quick, come with me!

-What's that banging?

-It's the wind. Global warming.

Hide in the bathroom?

Did you tell Dad I was knocked up?

Me? Pffff, maybe, yeah.

-Andy!

-I had no choice. He literally had me by the balls.

DOORBELL RINGS

Are you going to get that?

-It's probably just my sister.

-You can't leave her out there, can you?

All right. I'll get rid of her. Don't move.

Surprise delivery for Mr King!

-Come over here and open it.

-I'm sorry, Shell, I can't right now.

I think I'm coming down with something.

-We should get you to bed then.

-No! I don't want to get you sick.

I think it's swine flu. So, er, you should probably go.

DOORBELL RINGS

You going to get that?

She's insane! I know why Joplin and Hendrix OD'd now.

It was from hanging out with her! You have to help me get rid of her.

-Who?

-My sponsor. She's parking the car.

I told her you were a musician and she insisted on meeting you.

-You better get your will ready because you're going to be dead in an hour.

-Hi, Sam.

-Oh, hi, Shelly.

Ah! There's nothing like the smell of a musician's apartment.

Oh, you must be the rock star. And you must be one of his groupies.

I'm his girlfriend actually. And you are?

I'm Suzy, Sam's sponsor. Oops! Was that meant to be a secret?

-Yeah.

-Oh, well. So much for being anonymous.

WHAT is going on?

Uhh, Gwen? What are you doing here?

Shit, you're "second toothbrush".

Is it safe to come out now?

Jesus Christ!

Oh, hi...everyone.

-I can explain this.

-You're cheating on me?

-Cheating is such an ugly word.

-We didn't sleep together.

But we did. But I'm his ex...

You musicians are all the same.

Can I just reiterate, we didn't sleep together?

That bra wasn't yours, was it?

No, that was mine. Can I have it back?

You covered for your brother's infidelity? That is so co-dependent.

-Is that my hairclip?

-Well, you're the worst sponsor ever.

We didn't sleep together.

Who encourages a drug addict to relapse?

Ladies, ladies, please, calm down.

ALL: Shut up!

-Can I have my hair clip back?

-Yeah, I'm so, so sorry.

You're such a prick, Andy.

-I'll see you in group?

-Yeah.

Maybe we should forget about the music project for now.

Melodie, please, wait, don't go.

SHE BLOWS RAPE ALARM

I like her.

Can I have my bra back now, please?

Thank you.

DOOR CLOSES

What? It was my size.

Oh! I'm never answering my door again.

That's all you learned from today?

How about - you can't have your cake and eat it too?

But if I bake the cake, why can't I have a slice?

Yeah, but you tried to eat three cakes.

-I think I've got a cake problem.

-OK, I've got to go.

I have to get on my knees and hope poor, sweet Agnes will take me back.

-You all right?

-Yeah. It's not like I'm going to kill myself.

PHONE BUZZES

Stop calling me.

I don't want to hear any more rubbish stories

about you on a farm in the middle of nowhere.

Good, because I'm at East Croydon Station.

I lied.

I knew it, you don't think I'm average plus.

No...

I'm not pregnant.

I just said that because I got a kick out of making you feel bad.

I'm not sorry though. What you did was disgusting and pathetic.

I know. I'm going to work on it.

OK, well...anyway, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Stop staring at my chest.

Casper called. He apologised for everything.

We're getting back together.

Great.

And there's one more thing.

OK. Just don't hit me too hard.

Geronimo.

-What?

-That's the safe word.

Seriously, you're going to pass up on goodbye-forever sex?

It's just...there's someone waiting for me.

Who's more important than sex?

-You're in such deep shit.

-Don't worry.

The class went on a day hike while I stayed in bed faking sick.

-They won't know I'm gone for ages.

-Nicely done. What happened?

I thought you were having a great old time with your new best friend.

Murray Thomas dumped me.

He said New Scientist was too expensive

and then Colin Peters agreed to be his best friend for a Kinder Egg.

Relationships suck.

We seem to have a few hours to kill before you're a wanted man.

What do you say we swing by Legoland?

Yeah, I'd like that.

Oh, by the way, your phone bum-dialled me while I was waiting.

-Really? What did you hear?

-Nothing.

Geronimo!