Episode 6 Uncle

'This is Shelly. Leave a message after the...

# Do, re, mi, fa, so, la, ti... #

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

I'm just phoning... If, erm...

If you think there's any chance of us getting back together...

just give me a sign.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, what are you two doing here?

I have that tree-hugging retreat thing, remember?

You said Roly could stay over the weekend.

Yeah, I didn't think you were being serious.

My flat's not really child-proofed. There's rusty nails everywhere.

He's had his tetanus jab.

Oh, come on, how can you say no to this face?

This programme contains strong language

What's with the giant bag?

-He's only staying for three days.

-That's his tent.

He brings it to all of his sleepovers. It keeps him safe.

What from? Jaguars?

Germs. I wrote a song about it. Do you want to hear?

Maybe a bit later.

Why don't you go and wash your hands, darling?

Thanks for this. I feel really guilty leaving him,

but my lawyer and my therapist say that I need to centre myself

so I'm not a mess during the custody verdict next week.

If I try calling, don't answer me. I need tough love.

Tough love's my specialty.

-Shelly's stopped talking to me.

-What is it with you?

Why do you only fall in love after you've ruined things horribly?

I guess I'm just...romantic that way?

What is it with the mints?

I don't know. He's on an oral-hygiene kick.

Anyway I've got to go. I love you, munchkin!

Call me if you need anything.

Like child-sized body bags?

I made a schedule for the next three days.

-You've laminated it.

-I have a machine.

It's got everything on it. Meal times, bedtimes, poo times.

-What are we meant to be doing now?

-"Explain schedule to Andy."

Tomorrow we've got the planetarium.

They've got a black hole exhibit.

You want to know about black holes? Look at my bank account.

-How are we going to afford all that?

-Mum gave me some pocket money.

Probably best if you let me hang on to that.

No. You'll just waste it on beer and cigarettes.

Now, I've got biology homework to do,

so I'm going to need total peace and quiet.

COMPUTER GAME BLARES

Can you turn that down, please?

Killing zombies quietly, it's like trying to fart daintily.

It can't be done.

Why don't you have a go?

You haven't lived until you've blown a zombie's brains out.

-If I do will you buy me sushi for dinner?

-If you kill 20 zombies.

That is run and that is fire.

You've taken to that like a zombie...to brains.

How are you feeling about the custody verdict?

You're just trying to distract me so you won't have to pay for sushi.

No, I'm serious. I mean, basically,

you've got a judge that's going to come along

and decide on your whole future living schedule, right?

And we all know how much you love a schedule.

I don't mind really, as long as Mum and Dad are happy.

Yeah, but what makes you happy?

I don't know. What makes you happy?

Bingo, 20 zombies.

Yeah, hm.

PHONE RINGS Hang on.

Hello?

Yes.

Yes. Right now?

I mean, yeah, we can.

OK. Thanks.

That was Rage Records. That was Rage Records! I-I-I sent them a demo

and a clip of us playing and Mo Khan at Rage Records,

he wants us to come in right now for a meeting with them.

-Who's Mo Khan?

-Mo Khan of Rage Records!

He's Like the Simon Cowell of Rage Records only without the moobs.

I mean, if he tweets about us once,

we are pretty much automatically famous.

But I can't. I haven't finished my biology homework.

RAGE RECORDS!

I have sacrificed my entire weekend for you.

If you come with me and do this,

I will buy you all the sushi in Tokyo.

If they offer drinks, say yes. Always say yes to drinks.

What if I'm not thirsty?

That brings me to my next point - don't be weird.

Weird? How am I weird?

-Do you think they'd like to hear my germ song?

-No.

We're not playing anything. Never play at meetings. It looks desperate.

Mr Khan will see you now.

OK, most important of all -

remember, be cool.

MINTS CASCADE TO FLOOR

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-Yeah. This is the one

cos it's fucked up and I love it. Oh, shit. Gotta go.

Yo! Errol and Andy. The Bear Maximum.

Can Trix get you guys a drink? Orange juice? Coke? Vodka?

You look like a daytime drinker.

Could I have a coconut water, please?

I'll have a Virgin Mary. Easy on the virgin.

Sit. Relax. Make yourselves at home.

Don't touch that.

What do you think?

Wow. I love that

Correct answer. These guys will be huge,

like the Pet Shop Boys without the gay stuff.

-Their new single's called Man-gerie. You should check it out.

-Man-gerie?

As in men's lingerie. It's dope. Errol, you don't seem sold?

That's just his face.

It's nothing. It's just that picture is a bit...silly.

You're right.

So, what's the deal here. Are you his dad?

I'm his uncle, actually.

Cool. You're like indie rock's answer to LMFAO.

Well, that sounds LMFAO-wesome.

You don't say much, do you?

-I'm not weird.

-Ha-ha!

Can I just say, Mo, what an honour it would be to be on your record label.

To be honest, I wasn't 100% sold on your demo.

That's why I brought you in - to hear the magic for myself.

Sorry. We don't have our instruments with us.

No probs. We've got a guitar and keyboard right over there,

but you should go and warm up your voice.

I never warm up my voice.

You should go warm up.

Erm, sure.

Always a first for everything.

Can I get you anything else? Cupcakes, bison burger,

a bowl of Starmix with all the orange and yellows picked out?

Do you have any mints?

Keep them. I want to be honest with you, kid.

I'm not interested in The Bear Maximum.

The name sucks and the sound blows.

Do you know what I am interested in, though?

Coconuts?

You. You're the main attraction, my friend.

When I saw you in that clip,

I knew I was looking at the next Conor Maynard.

-Who?

-Exactly.

When I'm done with you, you'll blow the competition out the water.

I'm going to make you a pop star.

Kid, I want to sign you right now. What do you say?

But what about my Uncle Andy?

Will you just forget about your uncle a second?

Think about you and your whole family.

You'll be able to buy your mum a house, your dad a yacht,

your uncle his own studio. Hell, his own label!

You'll all be happy.

You're not going to mess this up. You're not going to mess this up.

You're not going to mess this up.

Are you going to mess this up?

If you go solo, you'll be able to

write your own songs, pick your own sound.

You'll be rich and famous.

If your uncle really cares about you, he'll man up and step aside.

So what do you say? You want to be a star?

Famous people have no privacy, so how will I go to the planetarium?

Kid, when I'm done with you, you'll be able to buy the planetarium.

You won't regret this. I'll have the contracts drawn up for your parents to sign.

You want me to break the news to your uncle?

No! I'll tell him. He can be a bit sensitive.

All right, let's do this!

You know what?

I have another meeting now, but we're having a party tomorrow night.

You two should definitely come. I could introduce you to some people,

keep this vibe going. What do you say?

# I'm fucking famous, bitch

# I'm also stupid rich

# You see my plan You understand

# Has gone without a hitch

# I'm fucking living it

# I do not give a shit

# I'm in the band and in demand

# I'm fucking famous, bitch

RAPS: It's been a long time coming And I've finally made it

I've been busting my arse And I'm finally famous

I've got the world in my palms Got the girls on my arms

I'm the man with the plan Better raise the alarm

This is to the pricks that ever doubted my talent

I'm fucking famouser than you so it should be apparent

Every single dick that ever said I was shit

Will be choking on their words when I'm spitting the hits

I'm getting absolutely everything that I ever wanted

If you're a legend like me then you might as well flaunt it

I got a gold record like an over-achiever

I bought a gold car and a golden retriever

I jump to the front I don't know what a queue is

Got a throne in my home that I bought from John Lewis

All of my clothes are Abercrombie & Fitch

They don't even fit me but I'm famous, bitch

# I am a millionaire I live without a care

# I'm so well known, I'm fully grown This is all my own hair

# I got the perfect pitch

# I sunk your battleship

# I've got the fame, you know my name

# I'm fucking famous, bitch! #

ANDY CONTINUES TO HUM/GRUNT THE TUNE

-Uncle Andy?

-Mm?

Would you still be happy if you weren't famous?

I've tried living the life of an anonymous rock star

and it ain't pretty.

Do you know, next week I've got an interview at Carpet Brothers.

Carpet Brothers! That's how close my life was to being over.

Every single music executive

that has ever turned me down is going to be at that party

and I can't wait to see the look on their faces when Mo Khan

shows US off like his new girlfriend with the big, massive tits.

And, yes, they are real.

But do you know the best part about this is?

We're going to be doing this together.

What were you talking to Mo about when I wasn't in the room?

Planetariums.

Ha! What a couple of dorks!

ANDY MIMICS AN EXPLOSION

What do you think?

You look like a vicar.

I look like a domino. I look like a sexy, sexy domino.

People love dominos.

Domino's Pizza, Fats Domino...

I don't think it's a good idea

buying an expensive suit just for one night.

-You said you were broke.

-So you'll be chipping in your pocket money.

-No way. That's for the planetarium.

-What's more important?

Us looking good on the most important night of our lives

or going to some planet aquarium?

ANDY'S PHONE RINGS

Yep?

-I told you not to answer if I called.

-Sh!

Why did you call then?

To see if you'd answer. How's Roly? Is he missing me?

Have you been to the black hole exhibit?

The little fella had some bad sushi last night.

-We're kind of taking it easy today.

-Ugh...

Oh, no, does he want me to come home? I can be there in 45 minutes.

-Sh!

-(You shush!)

-No, he's fine. I've got it under control.

How are things with you?

Great, it's really relaxing.

I have to find my tree tonight and bond with it,

so I'll basically just be hugging a giant wooden penis.

-SH!

-(Ohh...)

Well, watch out for splinters.

Better run, Roly's sushi looks like it's coming up for an encore.

-Ugh!

-Bye.

Sh!

MUSIC: "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi

Errol!

This is stupid.

I feel like a ventriloquist's dummy.

This is marketing. We're a band.

That's like being in the cool gang.

You look like a tiny ringleader.

Those people shouldn't be smoking cigarettes. It's a fire hazard.

Don't worry. They're not smoking cigarettes.

How long do we have to stay?

As long as it takes to get a signed recording contract.

Kaboom! Look who just walked in.

Y'all look like two swagged-up lion tamers.

So, how'd the talk go?

We've discussed it and...

The Bear Maximum is ready to sign on the dotted line.

Wow, I...don't know what to say.

Just say yes.

-Hey.

-Hey!

Errol, Andy, this is Fresh Keyz.

Fresh is THE hottest producer right now.

Tell 'em who you just got out the studio with.

-Dizzee.

-And now he's bonkers!

Nice to meet you, Fresh.

My name's Andy King. I'm the lead vocalist and song-writer.

-Yeah, I'm familiar with your work.

-Really?

I caught one of your gigs. Really liking those lo-fi sounds.

I could...FRESH kiss you right now.

This is the kid I was telling you about. He's like a mini Mozart.

I hope not. Mozart died at the age of 35.

MO LAUGHS LOUDLY, THE OTHERS JOIN IN

Someone's been on Wikipedia too much.

Beats and brains. I love it.

Rol-dog, let's leave these sound nerds to it, huh?

Want to check out the ice-cream bar I had put in?

No can do. He's lactose intolerant.

It's OK, Uncle Andy. I'm sure they'll have sorbet.

Man, you have got to tell him before it gets embarrassing.

What are your views on digital versus analogue?

Well, digital's very cool right now, but analogue...

Sex on the beach?

Whoa, don't mind if I do.

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

-I'll be right back!

-No, it...

Welcome to the VIP room.

-Your coconut, sir.

-Thank you.

These are the hit makers.

I invited guys from MTV, XFM, Radio 1, Radio 2, even Radio 4.

They begged. They're all here for you.

You're my King Kong. I discovered you and now I'm bringing you home.

Didn't King Kong die at the end?

But he climbed the Empire State Building first. Hey, look.

We even made T-shirts.

Guys, listen up.

I haven't been this excited about a new act

since I caught a flash of Florence's "machine".

LAUGHTER

Forget Bieber, forget Kanye. I give you...

Errol!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Shelly, wait!

-Did you follow me here?

No. Actually, me and Errol were personally invited here by Mo Khan.

Yeah, right. You can't come up with a better lie than that?

No, it's true. I think he's going to sign us.

Well, good for you.

You deserve it for being such a great guy(!)

Shelly, what are you doing here? Since when were you a waitress?

Since a friend told me there was a catering spot at a Rage party.

And because, if you'd spent

one second listening while we were together,

you'd have heard me talk about MY dreams

-of becoming a signed recording artist.

-Oh, mini pizzas.

Shelly, wait! I can help. Let me introduce you to Fresh Keyz.

He's this hotshot producer.

Oh, my God. You'd do that for me? That's so sweet.

I mean, I'm sure you won't expect anything in return,

like pathetic make-up sex, now, would you?

I was thinking more "hot and steamy", but I'll take "pathetic".

ANDY'S PHONE RINGS

You're making this tough-love thing really hard.

I know. I'm sorry. I'm having Roly withdrawals.

Can you put him on, please? I need to hear his voice.

What's that drumming?

It's supposed to guide me to my special tree,

but it's doing my head in. Where are you? It sounds like a party.

Er, no. That's just my surround sound.

Watching The Hangover. Vegas, baby!

-Errol's brushing his teeth right now, he can't talk now. Bye.

-Andy?

Oh, there you are.

What kind of amp do you use?

I'm guessing you're a vox man, right?

Erm, yeah. No, em...Marshall. Have you seen Errol?

I'm sure Mo's taking good care of him.

You could trust him with the royal baby.

What's going on in there?

Oh, just boring stuff.

You can't go in there.

It's VIP only.

If Errol's a VIP, I'm V-VIP.

Seriously. I can't let you in there. He'll kill me.

Fresh. What the fuck's going on?

Look...

..my name's not Fresh. It's Norman.

I'm an intern.

Mo asked me to keep you occupied.

Occupied from what, Norman?

Who wants to hear what the kid can do?!

CHEERING

What's going on here?

I'm sorry, Mo. I tried to stop him!

You're fired.

Dude, you were going to find out sooner or later.

I'm not signing you.

Fine. Come on, Errol.

No. I'm not signing you. I am signing him.

That's crazy, right? Errol? That's crazy, yeah?

Sorry. I just can't sell this drunk Elvis thing you've got going on.

But everyone loves Elvis.

Young, cool Elvis. Not peanut butter sandwich, dead on the toilet Elvis.

You're not current and you're definitely not cool.

Uncle Andy, wait!

You knew the whole time, didn't you?

I wanted to tell you.

It's just with all the money, I can buy you a record label.

And with Mum and Dad, I can fix everything.

I just want everyone to be happy.

I hope you're happy now.

Um, this is a song I wrote called Silent Killer

Already sounds like a hit!

LAUGHTER

# Now we've all been told, Don't mix raw meat with your veg.

# Wash your bits, pits and teeth

# And your hands on the reg

# Wipe down all surfaces after the slaughter

# And rinse your cutting boards with warm soapy water

# Now you might ask, What's a little blood splatter?

# Well, Health and Safety is no laughing matter

# Unless you want Salmonella E coli, Listeria and pink eye... #

Shelly, you like my music right?

Not now, Andy.

No go on it's important. Please. You'd buy my album right?

Honestly? It's not really my thing.

But I wouldn't throw it away.

I mean my nan's got me every Susan Boyle album

and I've kept them all.

Great.

I'm, fucking, Su-Bo.

# Sushi grade tune is the only kind of raw fish

# Anyone should ever try to have in a raw dish

# Otherwise louses rip off your tongue,

# While nematodes go swimming round in your lung

# Toxoplasmosis - you're a zombie slave to cats

# And bubonic plague that's what you catch from rats

# And evil chickens they're the worst of the bunch,

# Plotting and planning on how to spoil your lunch

# So don't accept meat from a dodgy looking fella

# Better yet, don't eat, so you won't get salmonella. #

FEEDBACK

Errol, everyone! Wasn't that great?

Smells like a number one.

More like a number two. What the hell was that?!

-I heard someone clapping.

-That was Radio 4!

-Don't you know any Bieber?

-You said I could do my own songs?

Yeah, if they were about kissing girls and sexting,

not kitchen hygiene!

-Now play something cool.

-Kitchen hygiene is cool.

Not if you want to go platinum.

Now, are you going to play something else or what?

I don't want to go platinum.

I want to go to the planetarium.

Errol!

Rol-dog!

I'm current. Everything moves in cycles.

Bieber's just the new David Cassidy.

Oh, you don't even fucking know who David Cassidy is.

Partridge family. '70-'74. Best TV band.

Aside from The Monkeys. Obviously.

-BOTH: Davey Jones.

-Yeah, he was the shit.

This is all my fault.

I was the one who checked out your demo and recommended it to Mo.

I tried telling him that you guys were a good package,

but he was only interested in the kid.

You recommended our demo?

Yeah. I thought it was solid.

I'd buy your album.

Hi, Mum.

Have you brushing your teeth that whole time.

-I keep telling you, two minutes is enough.

-Mum, what makes you happy?

New shoes and a comfortable bra.

I'm joking. You make me happy.

Me? Why?

Because you alphabetise all my books,

and you tell me if I'm wearing too much make-up,

and you write the funniest birthday cards,

plus you're really good at picking a ripe avocado,

and you help me finish crosswords I have no business finishing.

And because...

..you are the only thing in this world I know I got right.

-Night, Mum.

-Night, sweetheart.

That's it, then.

I'm just going to work in Carpet Brothers and slowly die.

No, man. You're a musician.

People need to hear your music.

So, what you're saying is, I'm not Carpet Brothers material.

Hey, man. Have you seen Errol?

Yeah, he's about this tall with no sense of loyalty.

No, seriously. He ran out on me and I've been looking for him

for like half an hour.

Then who's watching him?

Mo, you have come with me. This kid's being hilarious.

Errol, what are you doing?

Oh, hi, Uncle Andy. I've invented a new dance style.

Andy, what's going on?

Errol, get off the floor you're going to get dirty.

Who cares about a few germs, we're all germs really

if you think about it.

Your face looks like a Furby.

If I didn't know any better I'd say he's completely...

Off his tits, yeah.

Errol, darling, has anyone given you anything to drink or eat?

Only breath mints from Mo's desk.

Didn't taste very nice though.

I keep my E in a mint tin.

What?!

Yeah. Your nephew's tripping balls on Ecstasy.

Errol, how many mints did you have?

One, two, three, infinity.

Want to watch me move through the Higgs field?

Higgs Bos-on! Higgs Bos-off!

Damn! Kid's going to be a legend after this.

What the hell man!?

You were supposed to be looking after him!

He's not my kid!

What do we do?

HE RETCHES

MUSIC: "The Only Living Boy In New York" by Simon & Garfunkel

# I know your part will go fine

# Fly down to Mexico

# Da-du-da-du-da-du-da

# And here I am

# The only living boy in New York

# I get the news

# I need on the weather report... #

Thanks.

Any news?

He's in recovery now. The nurses says he's going to be fine.

We can go and see him in a little while.

This is going to blow the custody case.

This happened on my time, Andy. My watch.

I trusted you to take care of him.

I know. I'm sorry.

-I'll do whatever it takes to make this better, I promise.

-How?!

It wasn't my fault.

Who keeps their drugs in a mint tin?

Who takes a 12-year-old to a party with drugs!?

I can explain.

Ben, wait!

Excuse me. The family can come through now.

No, not you. You're not going anywhere near my son.

Sam?

Just go home, Andy.

Shelly...

..where are you going?

-Home.

-You could stay?

I never thought I'd say this,

but I think out of everyone

you probably hate me the least right now.

Andy, I'm used to being the crazy one in a relationship,

but you, you just blow me out the water.

But it wasn't my fault.

It was a little bit your fault.

PHONE RINGS

Hey. How are you feeling?

Good. No lasting brain damage. But I'm still keeping an eye on it.

Are you back at school yet?

Yeah. They made me a gluten free cake.

Is everyone this nice when you have an overdose?

I wish.

Do you know of the verdict yet?

No. Your mum said three.

When can I come over and play video games?

Mr King?

Look, I've got to go. Bye.

Would you say you work well with others?

Definitely. People love me.

At school I was voted most likely to start a cult.

What would you say is like the toughest choice

you've ever had to make?

Whopper or Big Mac. I still can't decide.

One of them flame grilled, the other one's a double patty.

It's like Sophie's Choice in a way, isn't it?

You've been working as a babysitter. How did that come about?

I got that gig through a family connection.

I can't handle kids, personally. Don't have the patience for them.

I know what you mean.

It's weird, one minute you want to throw them in the river

tied to a bag of rocks, the next minute you find yourself...

..doing the most ridiculous things in order to make them happy.

Excuse me.

Objection!

-Oh, shit.

-Oh, shit.

We're in the middle of a hearing.

Your honour, that's my sister sitting right there.

And she doesn't deserve to have her boy taken away because of me.

I'm the fuck up.

I'm a 31-year-old nobody musician

who can't hold down a job or a relationship.

I lie for fun, I hurt everyone I care about.

I've used a sock as toilet paper...

on more than one occasion.

I'm a shabby battering ram

and it's my fault Errol ended up in hospital.

It was my fault and my fault alone.

Don't punish Sam cos of my mistakes.

She's a great mum and he's a great kid.

He's taught me how to de-scale a kettle,

the correct way to fold T-shirts.

He's just taught me the meaning of "homo erectus"

and it's not what you think it is.

I swear I won't go near that kid again.

Just don't ruin his childhood because of me.

He was just starting to get normal.

Um. The defence rests.

Andy, wait!

I'm sorry. That was a bad idea.

I think I've just made things a lot worse.

DOORBELL RINGS

Roly? What are you doing here?

You wouldn't return my calls.

-Sorry, mate. The restraining order...

-Doesn't say anything about calling.

Seriously, you should go. I mean, 200 metres.

We're already breaking the law as it is.

Since when do you care about the law?

I'm taking the bus home now,

so if you factor in traffic, road works, delays,

that could easily give us an hour.

An hour for what?

So...how are you doing?

Yeah. Shared custody isn't that bad, really.

Mum and Dad are in better moods now.

Oh, I made a new schedule.

Oh, yeah.

It's good seeing you.

Yeah.

Whatever.

MUSIC: "Me And You" by Jake Bugg