Episode 1 Uncle

This programme contains some strong language

-How are you doing?

-Yeah. Shared custody isn't that bad, really. Mum and Dad are in better moods now.

Oh, I made a new schedule.

Oh, yeah.

-It's good seeing you.

-Yeah.

Whatever...

MUSIC STARTS

MUSIC SLURS TO A STOP

One of these days I'm going to be dead for real

and you won't respond appropriately! You didn't even check my vitals.

Have you ever heard of the boy who cried wolf?

He was preparing his village for imminent wolf attacks.

As a result of gross negligence, a child was torn limb-from-limb!

He had it coming though, didn't he?

-Oh, shit! Come on!

-I'm tired of playing video games.

That's what we do. You come over here and we play games. That's our thing.

Yeah, for the last year. Can't we try a new "thing?"

How about puzzles?

Oh, fuck puzzles. Go on, switch it back on.

-I'm bored, I'm going to Dad's.

-Oh, wait, look, I'm sorry.

-I'm just cranky cos of my shit job.

-Why don't you just quit?

I can't quit. If I quit I don't get severance.

I've tried getting fired. I relabelled the whole

aisle of carpets "baby shit brown" and nobody noticed.

-I'm sorry too. This whole restraining order's just really...

-Getting on your tits?

All this sneaking around has given me a rash. I've cut out caffeine so I know it's not that.

Well, why don't we ask your dad to drop the restraining order? I'm sure he's cooled down by now.

Oh, you think? Once I told him I didn't like his cooking and he didn't talk to me for a week!

Then I guess we'll have to keep this secret for the rest of our lives.

-Switch it back on and let's have a game!

-I've got a better idea.

-Let's write a song!

-I think I did see a puzzle round here somewhere.

Come on. When was the last time you wrote a really cracking tune?

We haven't done anything together since, since Rage Records.

Yeah. I'm just kind of letting some ideas percolate at the moment.

No. Are you telling me you haven't written a song in a year?

-You've got writer's block!

-I don't have writer's block!

-It's OK. Hemmingway had writer's block.

-Really?

-What did he do about it?

-He shot himself.

-DOOR BUZZER

-Andy?!

-Shit! It's Mum. What are we going to do?

-Let's tell her. She'll be cool.

-If Dad finds out that she knew he won't forgive her.

-Fine. Climb out the window then.

-Er, no.

I'm reporting you to the police.

-Why?

-For being a neglectful brother.

I have my first client tomorrow.

Why would anyone let ME be their therapist?! I mean, do they know my history?

And, look, look...

I have bitchy resting face.

I can't listen to crazy people's fucked-up problems and keep my bitchy face neutral.

Right, quick, just tell me something horrible.

-Something nobody knows.

-Er, I ran over a pigeon the other day.

-Darker.

-I had a wank in a Tube station toilet.

There was a homeless man crying in the cubicle next to mine.

That didn't stop me. In a weird way, if anything, I think it helped.

-How am I doing?

-You look constipated.

Ugh! God I'm screwed. That story didn't really happen did it?

No, the pigeon's fine. CANS CHINK

What was that?

Er, I have a girl over. Lola.

Looks like someone's dry spell ended with a "bang."

Get her out here. Let's meet the old gal.

No! She's very shy.

Is this Roly's bag?

Yes. I mean, I miss him

and I went out and I bought a bag that's exactly like his.

So whenever I'm feeling lonely I can just look at it

and imagine he's here.

That is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Come here.

If it makes it any easier, I know he misses you too.

Right. Have fun with Lola.

Bye.

See you tomorrow, Lola.

Until next time, Tube wanker.

No, I don't think you look fat in it at all.

-Well, only in the good parts...

-Dad, are you home?

Oh, sweetie, I'd better go, Errol's home. No, I love you more. Bye.

Sorry I was a bit late I was just, finishing off my homework at school.

-No rest for the wicked, eh?

-This has become a habit.

What's the point in calling it "homework"

if you're not doing it at home?

ERROL CHUCKLES

Good one, Dad!

Erm, Dad, can I ask you something?

Is it the chicken?

Sorry, I know your feelings on microwave radiation,

-I didn't have time to cook it in the oven.

-No, it's fine. Don't worry about it.

-Good.

Now, what did you want to ask?

Erm, can you pass the salt, please?

# Here I am, in a room

# That's where I live

# Next door lives a woman named Barbara

# She likes a good doner kebabera. #

Oh! Oh, argh!

Would you like a tissue?

Shh...

Yeah...

Ah, hello, Belle, do come in.

-Just take a seat.

-SAM TAKES A DEEP BREATH

Brilliant. Hmm...

So I've got a little history from your mum,

but this is your space, so I'd love to hear, hear from you.

I know that eating disorders can be very challenging.

-I don't have an eating disorder.

-Well, disordered eating.

Behaviour, complex feelings towards food

and shame which, hopefully, we can work on through these...

-I don't have an eating disorder.

-..sessions. You do not...

You do not have an eating disorder.

Andy?

What are you doing?

I understand if you want to fire me.

Why would I fire you? That, that is like totally hilaire.

You should do more of these. Customers'll love it.

"Rich Butt."

Just as well it isn't scratch and sniff!

-It's good.

-Hi, there. Hi.

Er, me and my wife, we're looking for some carpet for our home recording studio.

We're thinking a sort of CBGBs meets like All Saints vibe so...

Hang on, don't I know you?

No. No, I've never seen you before.

What colour are you looking for?

-Can I interest you in a rich buttermilk?

-Oh, I've got it!

You're that guy who was busking outside my coffee bar.

Not me. Sorry. Haven't got a musical bone in my body.

Trust me, mate, neither did this guy. He just stood there shouting

"One survivor!"

It was, "No Survivors!"

So, it was you!

-See you've got yourself a real job.

-Well, I'm still doing music.

Oh!

Well, you can't win 'em all!

Well, what are you doing lately that's so great?

Nothing. Apart from opening two more branches of the coffee bar.

My band just recorded our first album, Sony's putting that out later this month.

About to start shooting the music video for our new single.

And you'll like this...

The Guardian chose our EP as their Pick of the Week.

I believe the quote was, "White hot.

"If The Clash and Kasabian made a baby..."

But that's it, what about you?

# Prick you, prick you're a prick, prick, prick!

# Got a prick for a face and a face for a prick!

# Sick, sick well you make me

# Sick, I wish you'd go away cos I find you intimidating... #

Shit!

DOOR BUZZER

I couldn't do it.

He's just too vulnerable, like one of those babies you find in bins.

I've got writer's block.

Were you listening to what I was just saying?

Yeah, he's a bin baby. Now help me write a song.

-Not until you help me speak to Dad.

-Let's write a song about it.

That's a great idea!

# Restraining order!

# Restraining order!

-# Don't take away my happiness you

-BLEEP.

-#

-Whoa! Whoa!

-What? Too much?

I mean I could say, "Witch". It's not as good but it rhymes.

-Maybe I should just write a letter.

-Letters are for pussies.

-They say, "A great letter has the strength of 1,000 punches."

-A pussy said that.

Aren't you worried about being out in public, someone could see us?

Not in this neighbourhood. I mean the chances of seeing someone...

Shit, it's Bruce. Get down.

-Hey!

-Andy?

Bruce, what are you doing in these parts?

Just moved around the corner. Going around collecting the local menus.

Why do you want to move round here? What's the matter, your wife kicked you out?

Actually, yeah.

Me and Claire's getting a divorce.

Everyone's getting divorced these days. They're everywhere.

They're like Cadbury's Creme Eggs in March.

-How's it going with you?

-Yeah. Cranking out the hits.

-Sorry about the whole Errol thing.

-Not fussed really.

Kid was cramping my style.

BANG Ugh!

Haemorrhoids.

You have company?

Blind date. Lola. She's been in the toilet for ages.

But she says the first day is her heaviest flow.

Better leave you to it. Oh, and say, "Hi" to Sam for me.

Yep.

Tiffany said her mum cheated on him with a male hairdresser.

Ouch! That's like a vegan stealing your hot dog.

Oh, I ordered poached eggs, not scrambled. Scrambled eggs don't have definitive borders.

-Then say something.

-No, it's fine.

Look, if you don't speak up for yourself now, you'll never speak up for yourself.

-You're just going to be invisible.

-I could sneak into the Science Museum without anyone noticing.

-That's what you'd do with invisibility?

-Yeah. What, what would you do?

It doesn't matter. Look, if you don't tell that waiter that he got your order wrong,

then how do you expect to stand up to your dad?

Excuse me.

Hi, er, Jeremy.

Erm, I ordered poached eggs, these appear to be scrambled.

-I'll get 'em changed.

-No, Jeremy, you're missing the point.

If you'd been listening when I ordered, we wouldn't find ourselves in this mess.

The craft of good service is an art in many cultures.

You could be an artist, Jeremy.

-So how about you take a little pride in your job, hm?

-Sorry, sir.

Don't be sorry. Be better.

-How was that?

-Maybe you should just write a letter.

How's this going to help?

You need to detox your mind and body to get your confidence back.

I'm confident! I went on a Boris bike the other day. Do you know how hard it is to look cool on those?

-Your imagination's in a rut and we're going to free it.

-That's what alcohol's for!

High in trans-fat. High in sodium.

High in sugar. How often do you get exercise per week?

Please, this body takes care of itself.

Zero exercise...

No, no, not the cigarettes.

-Name one good thing about smoking?

-It makes me look cool?

-Argh...

-High in sugar.

High in...

-I was just high.

-Do you get regular bowel movements?

-What's that got to do with anything?!

-Irregular BMs.

When was the last time you were intimate with a lady?

Now, a gentleman never tells.

Eight months and 23 days, all right?

That completes the questionnaire.

I'll prepare a food and exercise regimen for you.

And in the meantime, no drinking or smoking,

fast food or any sexual activity of any kind.

-It keeps the mind focused.

-I'm focused. Now let's play video games?

-What are you doing?

-Eliminating distractions.

-Don't take my PlayStation, I need it!

-For what?

Company.

No!

Look, Dad, you're a great guy but it's about time that you cut the crap and drop the restraining order.

I'm sorry I said "crap" it's just...

I'm, well, I'm a bit worked up.

Good dry run.

MOBILE BLEEPS

-What?!

-She didn't speak to me for an hour!

It must be my face, or is it my voice, is it too high?

Oh, I sounded better when I was smoking. What do you think?

I can't write a song. I'm empty inside.

I could have told you that.

-Big help, Miss professional therapist.

-You know what you need?

Step nine of the 12 step programme, making amends with all the people you've wronged.

-And why would I do that?

-Because your subconscious is overwhelmed with the burden of guilt

-and it's blocking your creative flow.

-You're right.

Your voice is annoying.

But you love me.

Clash and Kasabian!

Excuse me. I was wondering if you could help?

Can't you see I'm busy!

Andy. My office. Now.

I just want to say I totally respect you for what you're about to do.

I'm ready. Give it to me.

Andy that was a totally shocking display of initiative.

Those craggy arseholes have been window shopping for three weeks.

You just showed them that we only deal with serious customers.

Andy, I'd like to offer you a promotion.

How would you like to be Carpet Brothers' new Junior Manager?

-Er...

-I know what you're thinking.

"That's very nice, Roopesh, but how does that translate money-wise?"

Well, how does 2.50 extra an hour sound?

All right, £3, cheeky.

But, you know, I can't go any higher. Do we have a deal, Andy?

-Er, yes?

-Great.

There's a delivery for you to celebrate, Mr Junior Manager!

-Hello...?

-I'm upstairs. Go straight through.

BACKGROUND MUSIC

'No alcohol.'

'No smoking.'

By all means, help yourself.

Oh, erm... Hi, I've got a delivery for Mrs Connaught.

Where do you want this?

I saw you pilfer my cigarettes.

I wasn't pilfering, you know, I was helping.

You know, each one of them is 15 minutes off your life.

I've just saved you an hour.

That's two episodes of Girls or one episode of Question Time. Take your pick.

I should call your boss right now and have you sacked.

I'm not a snitch, though.

That is hideous.

Yeah. I mean, if you could just sign...

-What makes you think I'm signing that?

-You don't want the rug?

How old do you think I am? Be honest.

-52?

-Less honest.

-43?

-45.

Do you find older women attractive...

-Andy?

-Erm...

'No sexual activity!'

-Sometimes.

-I feel the same about slovenly blue-collar delivery men.

Do you get a lot of deliveries?

Let's just say I was voted Ocado's Customer of the Year.

Now. I'm going upstairs to run a bath.

Are you coming?

No sex!

# Older lady

# Older lady

# Older lady

# She like gravy.

# Older-older-older-older-older lady.

# Older-older-older lady! #

Shit!

-Is this really necessary?

-Well, apparently I can't write another song

until I, "make amends" with the people I've hurt.

-You're doing step nine. It only works if you've done steps one through eight?

-It's worth a try.

Now prepare yourself. There's going to be some pretty angry adults in there

and there may be some bad language.

-What do you fucking mean, it's nice to see me?

-It's been so long, I almost missed you.

-Almost. You brought an entertaining chaos to my life.

-Good one.

Now skip to the part where you grab me by the balls and threaten to tear my nuts off.

And use them as suppositories!

I mean, for example.

Sorry. I just can't be arsed. Could you pass me the glitter please?

-Oh, Gwen? Give me something. Call me a useless prick...

-Or an odious troglodyte?

Dad's right, Andy. I've barely heard from you in about, a year, apart from your status updates.

-Is Carpet Brothers really that much of a shithole?

-Yes!

You've got to be furious with me about something. I was the worst boyfriend in the world.

Don't flatter yourself. Look, it's been a while and I've cooled off. Plus, we had some fun times.

Oh, please don't tell me on the one day that I need it nobody wants to take a swing at me.

Oh, mate, I'll gladly do the job.

Oh! You're still around?

-What's he doing here?

-We're having a nice chat.

Don't worry your pretty, little head about it.

Yeah, we wouldn't want to tax that brain cell.

You sure you want to start this?

I see they've got you working the store room. What's the matter? Animal testing not hiring?

-Andy, just popped by to apologise for all of his stupid behaviour.

-Well, I never said stupid.

-Oh, it's a given.

-So where's my apology?

I know you were the one who wrote "Casper has a Lego piece dick" on my band's YouTube page.

-Hey, you'd better not be cyberbullying my boyfriend.

-I never wrote that!

Really? Someone else has the username Andyisthedogsbollocks82?

Well, I told him he shouldn't have skipped steps one to eight.

Is there anything you'd like to share today, Belles? Anything?

This is your time.

Just that my mum's a bitch for making me come here.

And why, why do you think she wants you to come here?

-Do you think she might be worried about you?

-You really want to get into this?

All right...

I don't eat because food is the one thing my mother can't control.

She's not interested in my problems,

so she wants to farm them off on you and have me come home all fixed.

She doesn't want me better, she just wants me obedient.

Fucking parents, right?

Only listen when you tell them what they want to hear.

This is great, Belle.

And I want to help you find a healthy way to process this

that doesn't involve you harming your body.

You're not even a real therapist, are you?

You're one of those trainees, trying to get their hours in. How's this hour going for you?

-It's not your fault.

-Excuse me?

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Are you Good Will Hunting me?

That's us.

That was good.

-He's probably busy.

-He's at home doing his taxes.

-Exactly.

-Never get between a man and his taxes.

-I did all the calculations, he's doing the paperwork.

A monkey could do it. Come on, please. You promised.

MOBILE BUZZES

Hello?

-Er, Yes. Who is this?

-Andy? Is that you?

-It's Ben.

-Ben? Which Ben am I talking to?

Your ex-brother-in-law, Ben.

Yeah, that Ben. Hi!

-Erm... How can I help you?

-You called me?

Oh, yeah. That's right. I did.

Yeah, I just wanted to ask you, how are you getting along with your taxes?

How do you know I'm doing my taxes?

Because I took acid at Glastonbury in 2004 and ever since then

I've been a little bit psychic. Bye!

Well, you can't say we didn't try.

-I feel a song coming along.

-No, call him back.

Give me back my axe. I am not messing around.

-You'll have writer's block until you tell him to drop the restraining order.

-I do not. Check this out.

# Writer's block, writer's block

# I'm going to come and do your lock

# Writer's block, writer's block

# You can suck my big fat... #

DOORBELL BUZZES

I'm shit!

I Good Will Hunting-ed her.

I've had all this training and the best I could do was a cheesy line

-by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.

-I heard they didn't write that.

-I need a cigarette.

-I thought you quit.

-I'm unquitting. Where are they?

-I don't have any.

-Liar. I know where you hide them.

-Andy, move.

-You'll never guess who I bumped into the other day?

-Bruce. He says, "Hello."

-That's great. Get out of the way.

-I can't! Lola's in the shower.

-I can't hear any water.

Lola? Hi! It's Sam, Andy's sister. Can I come in please?

No! Sorry. I'm naked. I've boobs and everything.

Polish. Bit of a prude.

Just use the shower curtain then. I'm coming in.

Argh!

Ha! I knew it.

Mum! No!

Errol, get your things and get in the car.

Now!

Sam...

Ugh! Sam!

Jesus, Errol.

You can't go undermining every decision that your dad makes that you don't agree with.

Andy could get in a lot of trouble over this.

And your dad, he's just trying to protect you, in his own way.

He just wants you to be safe

and quiet and obedient...

..and...

Oh, shit!

Well, if it isn't our new Junior Manager. Where's your uniform?

Oh wait, you're starting casual Fridays? That's a brilliant idea.

Roopesh, I appreciate everything you've tried to do for me.

It's just that something's not quite working out here.

Is this about the employee vending machine? I promise, I'll get that fixed. It's just been mayhem.

No. It's not that. It's just that I qui...

-Can you give me a minute?

-Yeah.

It wasn't my idea. He just started coming over and I couldn't get rid of him.

Andy. Shut up. Right. Here's how we're going to do this.

I'm going to pretend like I know nothing about your arrangement

and we are never going to speak of this again but you have to promise me something.

-Ben must never find out about this. Understood?

-Yeah.

-Yes.

Good.

-Is that really called Nut Cream?

-Yeah.

Wow!

-Ben's here.

-What?

-Hide!

-Oh, Jesus.

Ben! Long time no see. Can I interest you in a fine Persian?

A rug, not a person.

-You must think I'm a total fucking idiot.

-Er, it's a joke.

Hello, you can't sell people, that is illegal.

Also known as trafficking.

The only way you could have known I was doing my taxes

was if Errol told you.

Or, if Errol told Sam and Sam told me. She is my sister. We do talk.

-What are you waving at?

-Nothing. I've got that restless arm syndrome.

Don't let me near an auction!

Oh, Dad. Fancy seeing you here.

Congratulations, Andy. You're now officially breaking the law.

-I'm calling the police.

-No, no, no, Dad, please wait!

-Ben, listen, we can talk about this.

-I'll deal with you two in a minute.

No. It's fine. I'm walking away. 200 metres. Officially walking...

-I said stop!

-Errol!

What? You're always asking me how I'm doing.

If you're so curious, I've been... I've been seeing Uncle Andy

every day after school for the last year.

Because he's the only person I feel

I don't have to pretend to be happy around all the time!

I don't make you pretend. You can tell me your feelings.

My feelings? OK. The restraining order is stupid.

He's in this family

and you can't stop me from seeing someone in my family.

-I'm 13 now. It should be MY choice, not yours!

-But the drugs...

Were an accident and he's been punished enough.

And you weren't there, so how would you even know?

The reason he's here is because you two

didn't have the time for me in the first place.

Well, this is a first.

This is normal. He's finally processing his anger towards you.

Towards me?! Is that what you guys think of me as?

Bad cop?

Dammit.

Fine.

I'll lift the restraining order.

But if you ever endanger my son again...

-Oh, yeah, you'll kill me.

-No.

I'll move out of the country. And I'll take Errol with me.

So how about we take another crack at this song then?

I don't think that's going to happen, mate.

I believe my song-writing days are behind me.

It's...

It's not your fault.

-What?

-It's not your fault.

Are you Good Will Hunting me?

Listen to me, Andy. It's not your fault.

-That's not going to work, Sam.

-It's not your fault.

-Sam, stop it.

Look at me. It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

But it is, it is my fault.

He was my responsibility and I fucked up.

-And he almost...

-Yeah, but he didn't, and he's fine.

And you have to let go of this, and forgive yourself, and move on.

Or you're never going to write again.

(I can't.)

-Uncle Andy?

-Yeah?

I forgive you.

# Lately I've been feeling strange

# Something deep inside me changed

# My DNA was rearranged

# I've been down and out

# But holy fuck I'm back again

# Just like the phoenix from the flames

# Or Jesus Christ or Whatshisname

# I was lost but now I'm found

-# I'm back

-He's back!

-# Consider my lessons learned

-He's back!

-# The prodigal son's returned!

-He's really back!

# Re-building the bridges I burned!

-# Burned!

-Burned!

-# Burned!

-Burned!

# I'm back to save my reputation

# Save you all from your damnation

# Start the fucking celebration

-# I've seen the holy light!

-He's back!

# Everybody bow before me

# Gather round and all adore me

# Restore me to my former glory

# The resurrection's nigh!

-# I'm back!

-He's fuckin' back!

# I'm feeling myself again

# Thank fuck, he's back!

# Relieving myself of pain

# Holy shit, he's back!

# And rising above the flames!

-# Flame!

-Flames!

-# Flame!

-Flames!

-# I'm back!

-Sweet shit, he's back, he's back

# Your prayers have been answered at last!

# Hot piss, he's back, he's back

# Returning like Lazarus

# Big Dick is back, he's back

# You'd better start kissing my ass

-# Ass!

-Ass!

# Ass! Ass, ass, ass, ass!

# I'm baaaack! #

You're fired!

-What are you doing here?

-I've written a song.

-Give me back my PlayStation.

-Not until you write a whole album.

Don't make me kill you in front of all these nice people.

We've only just had the restraining order lifted.

-What's this?

-It's a food and exercise regimen I've prepared for you.

Well, I haven't got writer's block any more. So why would I need this?

You'll be healthier and more attractive to the opposite sex.

-Goji berries?

-Yeah. They're a potent antioxidant.

So's a chicken korma. Why do you care if I write an album?

I don't. It's just since I stood up to Dad,

I've discovered something about myself.

Honesty is the best policy?

I like telling people what to do.

Oh, I'm back.

So what do these Goji berries taste like then?