Episode 2 Uncle

MUSIC: Ave Maria by Franz Schubert

This is nice.

You're telling me.

I don't think I've been this relaxed since the womb.

But then, that might have been foetal alcohol syndrome.

SHE LAUGHS

You're very cute.

As in manly cute? Yeah? As in Chuck Norris cute?

The best thing about you is that you know how to keep things casual.

It's so refreshing to find a guy

who knows he's not built for relationships.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello?

What?!

This programme contains some strong language.

DOOR OPENS

Well? What have you got to say for yourself?

-Sorry?

-Yeah, you should be. I mean, cheating in a test is one thing,

but getting caught, that is just embarrassing.

Well, I didn't actually cheat. I was pretending.

Pathetically intriguing - I'll bite.

I figured if I got caught cheating, people might think I'm cool.

-People?

-Well, a person. Willow.

-She's in a dance crew!

-Not a chance, mate. You're too uptight.

Uptight? I've opened a chess match using the King's gambit.

Touch the floor.

Full palm.

Now, touch your face.

See. It's no problem. I have to go.

Melodie?

-I thought I heard music.

-Andy, hi. How've you been?

Been good, yeah. I've been on the, er...5:2 diet.

I'm surprised you recognised me. You should try it.

Not that you need to... You, you look fine.

-How've you been?

-Yeah, I'm good. Fat, but good.

Yeah. You know about the last time...

Oh, God, no! Forget about it. It's all in the past.

I'm sorry I blew my rape whistle at you.

It was so stupid. I don't have it any more so...

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, now I just carry a rape knife.

So...friends?

Yeah... No, I, I don't know. I mean, how many female friends

do you actually have, Andy?

Um... DOOR OPENS

-There you are!

-Oh, Ryan!

This is Andy. Andy, this is Ryan, my...colleague.

-Andy is Errol's uncle.

-Errol's a great kid. Like a little Stephen Hawking.

IN AN ELECTRONIC VOICE: It is his voice.

-I like your T-shirt. I'm a massive Costello fan.

-Favourite album?

-This Year's Model.

-Favourite collaboration?

-Painted From Memory with...

BOTH: ..Burt Bacharach in '98.

-Maybe I should leave you two alone together?

-DOOR OPENS

Oh, hey, Errol. What's up, dude?

Oh, hello Mr Sardson. Just washed my hands.

Brilliant. Um, well, it was great meeting you, Andy.

So how long has Ms Thomas been dating that Ryan clown?

A while. He and Ms Thomas seem good together.

What's that supposed to mean?

Mr Sardson's a good guy. He's a great history teacher.

He just seems like good boyfriend material.

-I'm good boyfriend material.

-You think 'To Let' signs are hilarious

because they almost spell 'Toilet'.

-Well, they do, don't they!

-What's the longest relationship you've ever had?

More of a quality-over-quantity kind of guy.

What quality is that then? Commitment-a-phobia?

OK, so coolness is all about the three S's.

Sight, sound and you've got swagger, right? Let's start with sight.

You need to have a cool face.

Like you're sucking on a lemon but you find it slightly amusing.

I mean, you look like you're having a stroke.

Fine, we'll move on to sound.

A cool voice can pretty much make anything sound amazing. Observe.

IN A HUSKY VOICE: I've just had my boiler fixed.

-IN A HUSKY VOICE:

-Did you see that episode of Countdown last night?

OK, last up is swagger.

Got to walk like you've got a tiny little limp from an old

shrapnel injury but you don't care.

Go on.

I said shrapnel, not cannon ball.

All right, fine if you can't master the three S's,

-you've got one more option.

-Buy my way to the top?

Be dangerous.

-Stick those in your pocket.

-You want me to steal?

No. Stealing is wrong. I want you to shoplift. Shoplifting is badass.

Put them in your pocket.

Hello? Are you going to pay for that?

LEG IT!

Em... Keep the change.

What do you think's cooler? @FeralErrol or @HolyRoly?

How about @Errol69?

I wasn't born in 1969.

Why do you suddenly care about social networking?

Cos then Willow might notice me.

I mean, at the moment she only talks to me when I do her homework.

Whoa. Whoa. Back up. Cool people don't do other people's homework.

-Yeah, but she pays me. And I'm saving up for a microscope.

-You know what you need?

-An account that gets the whole school talking. People love controversy.

-You mean like who's been putting

-recyclable bottles in the ordinary rubbish bin? I think it's Spencer Bennett.

-No. I mean

who's dating who. Student fights, faculty romances. The juice.

You mean gossip? I can't do that. I'll get in trouble.

That's why you're going to have a pseudonym.

Welcome to...

..TripleTrouble69.

How's being anonymous going to prove to Willow that I'm cool?

Cos you can't have the big reveal until you have the superhero identity.

Nobody gave a toss about Peter Parker before he was Spider-Man.

I can't do it. It's too risky.

DOOR SLAMS FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

-Hi, Mum.

-Don't you "Hi, Mum" me.

What were you thinking - cheating on a test?!

-That is so unlike you.

-You don't know me. Maybe I'm dangerous.

Maybe I'm Spider-Man.

Spider-Man doesn't throw bread out two days before the best by date.

Mould is nothing to be trifled with.

But how would other parents handle this situation?

-Send me to my room?

-Go to your room now! And no TV!

But what about University Challenge?! It's the semifinals.

Fine, University Challenge. But that is it!

Do you think I've got commitment-a- phobia?

-No. You're just shit at relationships.

-I'm the only one here that's in a relationship.

-What?

With the cougar? I thought it was a fling. Has she held your hand in public yet?

-What's that got to do with it?

-I give it a week. Now, listen to this.

Ben wants me to meet his girlfriend, Veronica, to "open the channels of communication for Roly's sake."

Why do I need to communicate with a complete stranger about my son?

She didn't squeeze him out of her vagina? She didn't breast feed him for three years.

What would you say to a client?

I would say, "Go into the situation with an open mind

"and leave your baggage with Ben at the door."

Sounds good.

Fuck that. I'm going to sit there quietly and judge the bitch.

Hang on, Errol was breast-fed till he was three?

You better finish that - you're going to need your strength.

What if we don't tonight? You know, we could just talk.

Seriously, eat it up. I need you out the house by 10.30. I have an early start.

Don't you get lonely, in that big house all by yourself?

I have plenty of friends to keep me company - in the short term.

Just curious, what qualities are you looking for in the long term?

Well, a good listener. Funny without trying too hard.

Great taste in music, but not afraid of the cheesy stuff.

Like, he could listen to Wet Wet Wet without being cynical.

He's loyal, caring, well-read - and a good role model for kids.

And independently wealthy.

SHE CHUCKLES

-What are you doing?

-Paying?

Don't be silly. It's not like this was a date.

Tiffany, do you think I'm cool?

Yes.

-Really?

-No.

-IN A HUSKY VOICE:

-Er... Hi, Willow.

What's up with your voice?

It's just a cold. How's it hanging?

All good, little man. Have you got the homework?

Sure do, yeah, er...a big man.

I added a few extra misspellings to account for your dyslexia.

-How do you know I'm dyslexic?

-Your tweets.

Oh, you'll like this joke.

-What do dyslexic zombies eat?

-What?

Brians!

Um... Yeah, anyway, um...

I just came to say that my homework services will be coming to an end,

unfortunately, but um...we can still hang on Twitter.

My handle's @TheFeralErrol.

Don't worry, I won't bite.

Tammy just tweeted that Mr Isles is so old he shits fossils!

Tammy is jokes!

Yeah, he's so old that his farts are made of background radiation.

So when he makes a big bang, it's actually from the Big Bang.

HE GIGGLES

Samantha?

(Don't let her win. Don't let her win.)

Hi, I'm Veronica. It's so good to meet you.

Please, sit down.

Do you prefer if I call you Sam or Samantha?

Samantha's good.

I love your top.

Oh, thanks. Primarni sale.

I love them! They're SO cheap.

VERONICA CHUCKLES

Oh, God - I don't mean that YOU'RE cheap.

I mean, I get all my socks from the Pound Store

so I'm in no position to judge.

It's fine. I like my clothes like I like my men slightly damaged.

Ben said you were funny. And you're a therapist, right?

That must be so interesting.

Yeah, I love crazy people. That's why I married Ben!

Look, if my ex asked me to meet his girlfriend,

I don't think I'd be cool with it.

But I just wanted to tell you that I'm not here to

step on your authority or try and get Roly to call me Mum.

I mean, you've done such a great job with him, you don't need my help.

And we don't even have to be friends, if you don't want.

Also if you do, that's fine too.

But I just...

just wanted to say hi, really. So - hi.

How was that? I think I did better in the mirror.

Oh, thank God, you're normal.

Are you ladies ready to order?

What would you like, Samantha? It's on me.

Oh, please, call me Sam.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Whatever it is, the answer's no.

-'What?'

-You're my baby brother, can't I call you for a casual chat?

-'Fine.'

-How did your coffee go with Ben's future ex?

-'Great.'

-I've invited them both to a party at mine tomorrow.

-Why would you do that?

Because Ben asked me to meet her so I would fail.

But now, I'll be his worst

'nightmare. I am going to become Veronica's'

best friend. I win. So you'll be coming to my party tomorrow?

-I knew it! No way.

-'Oh, come on!'

I need as many people as possible or I won't look cool.

-'You can bring your cougar...'

-LINE BEEPS

Other call. I've got to go.

Hey, sexy.

Er... Uncle Andy?

Oh, God, hello.

'What do you want?'

I just tweeted, "Why are the cubes in men's urinals always blue?

"Hashtag sexist?"

'And that is funny. Not to mention'

a biting social commentary. But it got zero retweets!

'Even Murray Thomas gets'

a couple of favourites when he posts clips of his blind cat farting.

-Nobody likes you. What's your point?

-I'm ready to be Spider-Man.

Do you think it's true? About Mr Sardson cheating on Ms Thomas?

Don't know. Who cares?

Everyone's talking about it. Who do you think TripleTrouble69 is?

I think it's Spencer Bennett.

Well, I don't know. I think maybe this chap might be even cooler than Spencer.

Or dumber.

Look, excuse me.

Hi, Willow. What do you think of that um...TripleTrouble guy?

Crazy stuff, right?

Yeah. Whoever wrote all that shiz is a ledge.

Yes, he's definitely a 'ledge'...

Hey, why do you sit with that Tiffany girl?

Ain't she a bit...weird?

Oh, here we go.

THEY CHANT

I could have waited in the car if you're just coming up for a book.

Is this a party?

Oh, yeah. I guess it is.

This'll only take a sec.

Ah, I miss living here.

-You lived here?

-Just loaning it to my sister and her kid until they get back on their feet.

If I'm honest, it was more space than I needed.

And how exactly does an ex-Carpet Brothers employee afford two flats?

Well, I found a toe in a kebab I had a couple of years ago

and I poured all the settlement money into property. And as for Carpet Brothers,

-I was only working that day cos I was helping out a mate.

-How didn't I know any of this?

-You never asked.

-There you are!

Hi, Sam. Teresa, this is Sam, my sister.

-It's a pleasure to meet you.

-This place is great.

I'm sure that's not how Andy left it.

Er... Yeah, no, no.

We had to get the old makeover police in.

Do you mind if I use your loo?

-Yeah, sure, it's just there.

-Thank you.

Phwoar. Fuck me. She's classy. Good luck keeping that one.

Yeah, just make me look like boyfriend material for tonight.

-Who are these jokers?

-I went through my Facebook

and I invited all the coolest people I know to impress Veronica.

How did you make the cut? SHE GIGGLES

Ow!

KNOCKING ON DOOR Hey, Rolio Iglesias.

It worked! TripleTrouble69 has 500 followers. And Willow's eating out of the palm of my hand.

I think I might have caused a fight between Mr Sardson and Ms Thomas though.

Should I feel bad about making up fake gossip?

-Nah.

-Good! Because I'm about to tweet that Mr Hamish, my gym teacher,

has been stealing Tampax from the girls loo. That should teach him for calling me wheezy.

Nice work. Listen, I've got my girlfriend here and I need you to tell her what a great uncle I am.

-Sure. I can lie.

-There you are.

Hey, Teresa! This is my nephew, Errol.

Hello, nephew Errol. How come you're not out enjoying the party?

I don't like parties. Tell me, do you play the lottery, Teresa?

-Sometimes, when there's a rollover.

-Hmm. Then you'll know the odds

of winning are about one in 14 million.

The world population is over seven billion. And Uncle Andy is one in seven billion.

So that's like winning the lottery 500 times.

"It could be you."

Thanks for that, Rain Man.

-When I grow up, I want to be just like Uncle Andy.

-Whoa.

Let's have a listen to this.

I mean, he's loyal, dependable, great with strangers...

Well, sounds like he'd make an excellent Labrador.

Well, not to mention funny and musically talented and free of any communicable diseases.

ANDY GIGGLES I can't believe it either.

I wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for Uncle Andy.

-When I took that drugs overdose...

-Hey, let's get to the party!

Oh, hi, guys!

Ben, Veronica, this my brother Andy's new friend, Teresa.

Don't worry, we won't hold it against you. Nice shirt, Andy.

Does it come with a seizure warning?

THEY LAUGH

What a joker. Come here for a hug, big guy.

(Just go along with what I say.)

So are you still on for that round of golf that you promised me?

-What?

-Since when did you like gol...?

-Andy's like Tiger Woods.

-What, you mean like he's a sex addict?

THEY LAUGH

-I love your dress.

-Oh, thank you.

It's the only thing from my first marriage worth keeping.

I didn't know you were divorced?

-You never asked.

-Well, at least your ex bought you a dress.

For Christmas once, Ben bought me a screwdriver set.

That was to build Roly's cot with.

Shame on you, Ben. Making a pregnant woman build a cot.

Oh! I swear, if you don't put a ring on this one, I will.

-VERONICA:

-Can I get that in writing?

Oh, thank you! It's so great to finally meet you, Andy.

Ben has told me so many stories.

My favourite is the one when you got arrested at his stag do

in Barcelona dressed as a condom.

I'm all about family planning.

-BEN:

-So what do you do, Teresa?

Oh, it's really quite boring. I'm a parliamentary lawyer.

ALL: Oooh...

So cool.

Yeah. Um... I...

I snogged Liam Gallagher once!

Well, I, like, I think I'm 99.999% sure that it's...

-Hey, Rolster.

-Hi, Roly.

Um... Uncle Andy, I need your help with a music project.

Life of a role model, eh?

-We have a situation.

-You're telling me.

Teresa's a divorced parliamentary lawyer! And I still have a He-Man duvet cover.

-I can't handle this adult shit.

-You're having a low self-esteem attack. You're worth loving.

-Just keep telling yourself that.

-OK - I'm worth loving, I'm...

-Not now! Willow's just PM'd me.

She says, "You're proper jokes. Who are you? X." She put an X.

I'm never going to wash my screen again. Do I tell her it's me?

-No. Don't write anything. Just play it cool.

-How about, "Wouldn't you like to know, babes?"

Or - "Babycakes?" That's a bit more urban.

Babycakes isn't urban, it's weird.

Now. What can I do to impress Teresa?

Well, she's only heard how great you are from family.

So it might mean more to hear it from a friend.

What's up, guys? I thought I heard your voice, Andy.

Is this is where the real party's at? Whoop! Whoop!

Thanks for inviting us, by the way. It's very cool of you.

I thought you would flip when I asked you to meet Veronica.

Why would I flip? She's great. We're adults.

I don't see why we can't all be friends.

I'm so glad you said that. I really wanted your approval.

Especially now we're moving in together.

Oh, I love Twiglets. You remembered.

We're going. I'm in heat and I can't take any more small talk.

In a second.

But first, I would like to introduce you to my old friend, Bruce.

Well, not that old, really.

Bruce is also divorced.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm just glad I could be there for him.

Oh, yes, I don't know where I'd be without Andy.

-He's my rock.

-What are friends for? Everybody needs a shoulder to cry on.

Yeah, I'm not really much of a crier.

No, well, he cries like an orphaned seal pup, so...

Bruce! I'm so glad you could make it.

There he is! Bruce. I've been missing you at kids' footy practice.

This is Veronica, my significant other.

Bruce's step-daughter goes to the same school as Roly.

Well, ex step-daughter. Hang in there, mate.

We're still in contact.

Sam. These are for you.

Oh, wow! Chocolate. My favourite.

Well, you'd better share some of those.

Oh, you'll have to mud wrestle me for them.

Oh, thank you so much, Bruce, that's so sweet.

Hello... Your stomach is rock hard.

-Have you been working out?

-That's just from all the crying.

I guess I naturally have trouble putting on weight.

-Hey, listen, can I get you a drink?

-Do you have any cranberry juice?

For you, I've got it all.

And so, I gave them my shoes and I walked home.

What's so funny about being mugged at gunpoint for your shoes?

It is the way he told it, sweetie.

Actually, it was pretty funny.

I guess getting divorced really puts perspective on things.

-SAM:

-Bruce, how's your cranberry?

-Er...delicious.

-Can I try some, do you mind?

Mmmm... Mmm...

SAM GIGGLES

I'm going to get some more, wait there.

I'll be right back.

-What the fuck is going on with Bruce?

-Nothing. I'm just being friendly.

-Even Stevie Wonder can see that you're cock teasing him.

-Fine. So what if I am?

It's nice to get a bit of male attention. And um...Ben has asked Veronica to move in with him.

-Why do you care? Ben's an arsehole.

-Yeah, but he was my arsehole first!

Bruce is a mate. If you're not serious, don't mess with his head.

You're one to talk. You barely speak to him and you're making Teresa think

-you stay up all night painting each other's toenails!

-We might do. You don't know.

-Ggrr!

And despite all his suggested anti-prostitution bills,

who do you think spends the most on out-of-town expenses?

THEY CHUCKLE

Well, we should get going before MI5 slap a gag order on me.

-Oh, but you just got here.

-I know, but I want to get home before my son does.

BRUCE: Oh, you have a son. How old?

Not quite old enough to move out, unfortunately.

Andy, will you get my coat? And don't forget your book.

-What book?

-Is it a colouring book?

HE LAUGHS

No, er... Errol's returning my copy of War And Peace to me.

I love Russian lit.

Oh, yeah? Who wrote it?

If you don't know that, Ben,

I'm not going to tell you.

She's got an old son.

I can't be with someone that's got an old son.

-Why are you dressed like a bell-end?

-I've been exchanging messages with Willow.

I'll reveal my identity to her on Skype. I know you told me not to reply,

but she was just so engaging. I couldn't help myself.

And they say the brain is the greatest love organ.

Well, I've never chaffed my brain.

Listen, relationships are messy.

You can't help who you end up with, whether it's a pint-sized

urban street dancer or a parliamentary lawyer.

It's all a beautiful mystery. Like prime numbers.

Now, go out there and embrace the new you.

The you that isn't afraid of life's responsibilities but tackles them

head-on like a salmon swimming upstream for mating season.

Don't salmon die after mating?

Well, it's better than being eaten by a grizzly bear.

Everyone, can I have your attention?

I've got something I need to say to you.

This flat isn't mine.

I'm not independently wealthy and I've never read any Theo Tolstoy.

-Leo Tolstoy.

-I don't care that you've got an adult son

and I don't care that you've got a big important job.

I just want you to know that Andy's ready for a grown-up relationship.

# I feel it in my fingers

# I feel it in my toes

# Love is all around you... #

Thanks. I don't think I could have survived the chorus.

I'm not an idiot, Andy, I knew you were lying. I am a lawyer.

Well, then, why didn't you say something?

It's been a while since anyone's made the effort and it was sweet.

And, of course, I like when men humiliate themselves.

Well, you get sexier by the minute.

I'm sorry, Andy. I can't do this.

-But you held my hand? That means something.

-Yes.

It means I was trying to get you to leave.

Look. I know we're like chalk and cheese, but why can't we be together?

I'm married.

No. You're divorced.

Yes. From my first husband. I'm still married to my second.

Even if he is away most of the time.

But where's your ring?

Look, I like my life the way it is. It's tidy.

Nobody gets hurt. Usually.

I want a fling, that's it. If you're looking for something more, you need to look elsewhere.

But if you can handle barn-storming sex with a powerful,

older woman, no strings attached

and the occasional all expenses paid meal or trip, then...

I'm your gal.

So what's it going to be?

KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Sam, you all right?

-Yeah, yeah.

I just get a little sad whenever I hear Wet Wet Wet.

God, the '90s sucked!

Are you sure it's nothing that I've said?

I haven't upset you or...?

How could you upset me?

You're the nicest fucking person in the world.

I knew it. You do hate me.

No. I don't hate you.

Oh, it's like someone else wearing your old...bra.

I mean, sure, it had some holes in it and the wire, like,

dug into your pits, but it was yours.

And it's really hard to find a good bra.

I just really wanted you to like me.

I thought we could be friends.

Well, you're dating my ex, so that's going to be a bit tricky.

But I can see that Ben is the luckiest man in the world

to have you. Fucking bastard.

Can I ask you something?

Yeah, sure.

You know his left ball, that lump...

-Oh, yeah, no, it's always been like that.

-Oh, phew.

Um...by the way, Ben told me the big news.

-He did?

-Hmm.

Oh. I thought we were going to keep it a secret until the ring was ready.

-What?

-Yeah, he proposed before having a ring picked out.

I mean, you know how impulsive he can be.

Oh, God.

I am SO sorry.

Oh, don't tell him that I told you.

And please don't tell Errol. Because I know

that he wants to break the news to him when the time's right.

-Oh, God, now you must definitely hate me.

-No. No.

No - I'm freaking pumped!

You really mean that?

Definitely. You are going to make him a very, very happy bra.

So, how is it being back in the workforce?

-All right. A little bit tedious.

-Well, you know what they say -

if it was supposed to be fun, they wouldn't call it work!

Don't fuck Sam.

-Are we ready to go?

-Yup. I think we're all sorted here.

Bruce? You coming?

Yes. I'm going to go with them.

Oh, all right, OK.

Bye!

RINGING TONE

Uh... Errol?

Yes, Willow. It's me. Now, I know you're thinking, you must be thinking,

"How can TripleTrouble69 and Errol both be the same person, when he's so cool?"

Well, I'll tell you. Because, Willow, I am cool.

You just couldn't see it before.

But now that you know my secret, we can be cool together.

Willow, will you go out with me?

Wow. Errol. You're a crazy little man.

Respect. But I'm sorry, I only go with fit dancers.

I can dance. I've got the moves.

Yeah? Let's see 'em.

MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

This will make a great Vine.

Thanks for the lolz, little man.

Thanks for coming.

Can I sit here?

Do what you like.

-Have you seen it?

-Yep.

How bad is it?

'I am TripleTrouble69.

'I've got the moves.

'We can be cool together.'

Um... Tiff...

I'm sorry that I acted like an idiot.

You're my best friend. And I...

I swear I'll never blank you again.

OK.

Hey, Errol.

I don't care what anyone says. I think your dancing was cute.

Thanks, Ruby.

TANNOY: 'Would Errol Meyer report

'to the Head Teacher's office, immediately?'

-ALL:

-Whoa...

THEY CHANT

So, what's the damage?

Detention for two weeks and an apology to every teacher and student I mentioned.

It's not all bad though, um, Willow and her crew have named a dance move after me.

The TripleTrouble. It's quite cool, actually.

Fact is - cool is like herpes. You've either got it or you haven't.

How's it going with Teresa?

Yeah, great.

She totally gets the fact that I'm not a relationship kind of guy.

I mean, she begged, sure, but I stood my ground.

I'm like a lion on the prowl. Always hunting for my next meal.

You know that the female lion does most of the hunting, right?

MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

Oh, Uncle Andy. Look what I got.

Nice work, TripleTrouble. DOOR OPENS

Hey!

LEG IT!