Episode 3 Uncle

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Hello?

HE KNOCKS

Uncle Andy?

Errol?

What happened? Did you overdose?

I've got the flu. How'd you get in?

I used the spare key under the mat.

What spare key under the mat?

The one I had made.

HE COUGHS

Why aren't you running for your life?

Oh, I've had the flu jab. I'm invincible.

Oh. What do you want?

You came all this way to give me a piece of paper?

It's a song competition.

I'll go and make a cup of tea and you can read the details.

PHONE RINGS, HE GROANS

Is Roly there?

I'm not sure. He could be a hallucination.

I've just drank a tonne of cough syrup.

Ooh, are you robo-tripping? I use to love doing that.

No, I've got the flu.

Oh. You should've got the jab. Listen, did Roly tell you we had a fight?

He just stormed out. He's been horrible lately.

It's just puberty.

Ugh, God, I hope not.

I TRIED to go on a date the other night, but Roly hid my car keys.

And then when we were playing Scrabble, he spelled, "traitor."

So? What's the big deal?

Three times in one game.

Oh, shit. Scrabble messages? That's how Fred West got started.

So who's this bloke you've been seeing?

Oh, just someone I met at a sex trauma workshop.

-Sexy.

-Oh, speaking of...

If someone texts you, "What are you wearing?"

but all you're wearing is a shitty dressing gown,

then what would you say?

Are you really asking your brother for sext advice?

It's not a sext! It's a foreplext.

Just write "a strap-on and an open mind."

Really? That would do it for you?

Hypothetically. Now let me die in peace.

I'm not fighting with Mum. And I didn't hide her keys.

She's just always losing them.

Have you just listened to our entire conversation?

Did she say who she's been texting?

No. What do you care?

Well, if I knew his name, I could do a CRB check on him.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Andy?

-Who's that?

You're rent's past due again. Two weeks late.

Andy?

Ugh, I think I just got some of your body salt in my mouth.

Why haven't you paid your rent?

Because I'm out of severance with Carpet Brothers,

and my job seekers hasn't come in yet and I'm si-i-i-ick.

Which is why we need to write this song. The deadline's tomorrow.

The only thing I'm going to do today is watch Game of Thrones and hate people on Facebook.

What have you got to lose?

My dignity.

You're wearing a onesie.

It's a jumpsuit.

But this could be The Bear Maximum's big comeback. It'll be fun.

No. You can't come back in a band after trying to go solo.

That's like Japan not being allowed weapons after the war.

Fine. Well, first prize is only £20,000.

The Bear Maximum is go!

No. This is a solo project.

I'm doing this for myself by myself.

Besides, I need the money more than you.

But I was the one who told you about the contest!

And for that, I am eternally grateful, little buddy.

If you're so broke, how are you going to pay for a studio?

A friend owes me a favour.

For what?

Let's just say that when the pigs raided his house party,

his incriminating stash magically disappeared.

I couldn't crap straight for a week.

(Psst, Andy.)

Hugo, this is my nephew, Errol.

Please don't tell anyone about this because if my boss finds out,

he'll literally cut my head off, put it on a pike or cut my nuts off

and put 'em in my mouth. Cut my feet off, make 'em into hands.

Relax, we get the picture.

Then he'll sack me.

Would I get you the sack?

Probably.

Here she is. Remember you've only got until two, guys.

There's another band in afterwards so...

Oh, we're not a band. This is a solo thing.

You're producing for the kid? Nice one, brother.

Oh, and if you need any engineering help,

I'm trying to get my 10,000 hours. Only got 9,958 to go.

Not necessary. It's only a quick job.

In and out...

Ooh, someone's had a boozy night? Got the DTs?

I've got the flu.

Should've got the jab. Keep it down. Jerry's got bat ears.

Nice onesie, by the way. Where'd you get it from?

OK! See you in a bit, then!

# Last place hero... #

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait, wait, wait, Last Place Hero is one of our unrecorded songs. I wrote the lyrics.

And I wrote the melody, so if I change the lyrics,

then it's a new song.

# There's a way to win And a way to lose

# If you're a hero Just like Nero... #

Hold on, hold on...

Emperor Nero burned Christians in his garden as a source of light.

Well, maybe I mean the band Nero.

And if you've got any questions from now on, raise your hand.

# Last place hero

# Fun like Robert De Niro... #

-What?!

-Robert De Niro is not fun.

Clearly you've never seen Midnight Run.

The film set in the Turkish prison?

That's Midnight Express! Do you know nothing?!

Now, here I am just trying to write something that's a little bit

profound. What do you want?

You want me to write something, what, that's important?

What like a song about recycling?

# Recycling, recycling It is so exciting

# If you want a way to earn some cash

# Why not go return your trash... #

-Whoa!

-Is that what you want?

Wait a minute - that's a blatant lie.

You can't make cash from recycling.

All right, now don't touch anything. Just push record on three.

So, you don't want me to touch anything but you want me

-to press record?

-Did I stutter?

No. It's just...how am I going to not touch anything yet press record?

Oh, you know what I mean. Just push it on three.

I think I'll go... I think I'll go on two just to be safe.

-Then what's the point in me counting to three?

-Well, it's a cushion.

I don't need a cushion!

You're making me yell now!

-I can't make you yell.

-Just push it on three!

One...two...three.

I nailed it. Let's hear it back.

-I thought I was only allowed to press record?

-Just press play.

'Then what's the point of me counting to three?!

-'It's a cushion.

-I don't need a cushion.

-'You're making me yell now.

-I can't make you yell.

'Just push it on three!

'One, two...'

-What happened to that amazing track I just recorded?

-Oops.

Looks like I might have accidentally pressed record a bit earlier without realising it.

-At least I went on two.

-You're sabotaging me!

Sabotage? Please, if I was sabotaging you, you wouldn't even know.

-I'd be like Mossad.

-Who's Mossad?

The Israeli secret service. They're the best!

(Shh. I can hear you guys in the lobby.)

Well, then you need better sound-proofing in here, then.

PHONE VIBRATES

-What?

-I sent your strap-on text and he wrote back,

"Sounds like I've been a bad boy. What're you going to do?"

What should I write?

Just write "I'm reporting you to Human Resources."

I'm hanging up now. Bye.

-Hugo?

-Is something broken?

Have you got a minute to come down and record something for me?

Oh, what, you need my help?

Not "help." Assistance.

Oh, right, you mean like when you grow a moustache and you let your

face hair grow around it and people are like, "Do you have a beard?"

and you're like, "No, I've got a moustache".

MUSIC PLAYS

And THAT'S how you record a track.

Nice work, Hugo.

Now all I've got to do is finish off these lyrics.

Do you not think this could maybe use some keyboard?

Oh, that's funny, I play keyboards, but someone doesn't want my help.

Really? Cos I think this could use a little EDM vibe.

I'm just going to jump in.

But I only play keyboards for The Bear Maximum.

So I wouldn't play them for you if you begged.

Oh, really? And what if it was my dying wish?

That would be the saddest dying wish ever.

I'm sorry. What's your awesome dying wish, then?

I'd like to have my ashes sent into space. Preferably towards Europa.

Never going to happen. NASA don't care about the ashes of

some dead British kid. It's too expensive.

But it's my dying wish. Money's no object.

In that case, my dying wish is for you to take my guitar

up to the top of Mount Everest.

Mount Everest? That's in the Death Zone. Do you know what they use for landmarks?

-Dead bodies.

-Who cares?! I've just gone broke sending your ashes into outer space!

I can't believe you won't do this for me!

What's the point in a dying wish if we both end up dead?

Guys! Listen to this.

TRACK PLAYS WITH PERCUSSION AND BASS

That's good. Is that generated?

The drums are, yeah.

But I actually sampled the bass from a session

we had with a band last week.

Can we use that?

Er...we'll have to get the bass guitarist to come in

and do a live version but he's really cool, genuine,

down to earth, great tattoos.

I'm pretty sure he'd do me a favour.

Well, get him in!

# You're a last place hero

# Last place for wimps And first place for pimps... #

-Uncle Andy?

-I'm not changing that.

Do you know how hard it is to find a rhyme for wimps?

Limps, glimpse, chimps, crimps, shrimps.

That's not what I was going to say, though.

-If you let me back in the band, I'll let you keep the prize.

-No deal.

Guys, meet Casper.

Fuck.

Hey, guys.

I'm so sorry. If I'd known...

Where are you going?

Kid, I'd rather have my cock amputated

and replaced by a cactus than play on your uncle's track.

We really shouldn't be talking in the hallway. Jerry can smell people.

Errol, I'm sure you don't understand why us grown-ups keep fighting

and we can't put our differences aside in the name of music,

but life just doesn't work like that,

plus your uncle is a dick to my boyfriend.

You're looking at this all wrong.

If you want to get under Uncle Andy's skin, you need to play on his track.

That way, every time he listens to it, he'll hear you.

No matter how good the song is, it'll be ruined forever.

All right, let's do this.

Hey mate, you're not playing on my track.

Do you need bass or not?

Nobody needs bass.

You look like shit. Like worse than usual. You got the hiv?

-I've got the flu.

-Should've got the jab.

Listen, if you use Hugo's sample, I'll sue you till your arse is sore.

All right. Live bass. Take one.

Only going to need one take, mate.

HE GAGS

HE MOANS What's that?

-It's a rusty trombone.

-HE GAGS

I don't even want to know what that one is.

One, two...one, two...

-Babe, do you mind?

-What, babe?

-Babe, your phone.

Oh, yeah, one second, babe. I'm just on the last level.

-Babe! Turn your fuckin' phone off!

-Just play your little bass.

OK, first off, this isn't a little bass,

it's actually quite a big bass.

And secondly, show some respect for my process.

You're process is dumb!

Right - fuck this.

And that's a cut on take one.

Knock, knock, are you ready to rock?! Did I just see Casper?

Mum? What are you doing here?

Oh, this is your mum? Cool.

How did you find us?

Roly tweeted your location.

So are The Bear Maximum really back together?

No. I know what you're doing. I switched my phone off,

so you come here to get me to write a sext for you.

(Pfft, as if I'd be that desperate.)

But if you did get a text asking if you've been a filthy girl,

-then what would you say?

-Hmm, good question.

And I'll answer that as soon as you get Gwen to make up with Casper.

-So, what are you going to do?

-Get Casper to make up with Gwen.

Is that a onesie?

Want to talk about it?

-No.

-Works for me.

I mean, what is her problem?

When we were first dating, she would be sat in that front row

every single night staring at me with those fuck-me eyes.

Yeah, and those eyes have been around.

Now it's like she won't even look at me.

It's like I'm you.

PHONE RINGS

Hi, Jerry, you all right? You're still in the mix, right?

No-no-no, I didn't forget. I can come over now.

No, I can take... OK, I'll take your order on the phone.

OK, right.

Tuna mustard - gluten-free tuna wrap - right, yeah.

Onion, lettuce, kale chips.

-Ah, there it is.

-You want onion on the tuna wrap?

OK. Diet energy drink, yeah?

-Taurine, no guarine...

-Thought you were the food Nazi.

Decaf soya milk. And one Toblerone.

Yeah, heavy on the Tobes.

No, it's not funny, you're right. OK.

Right. I've got to go.

Jerry turns into the Red Hulk when he's hypoglycaemic.

Remember, you guys have only got till two, OK?

I mean, she finds every way to try and humiliate me.

The other day she tried to do me with a strap-on.

She ever do that to you?

Pfft, no!

Although I've heard it's not actually that bad.

And that the prostate is quite an under-appreciated organ.

But, er, yeah - strap-ons - lame.

What're you talking about?

Errol, er, we're not talking about anything.

I hate when you do that! I'm nearly 14 now, I can take it. I'm ready.

A strap-on's a dildo that women will strap-on like a belt

in order to have sex with other women and sometimes men.

-I wasn't ready.

-What are you doing here anyway?

Hugo's just gone to get Jerry's lunch.

He says that time's running out. Why would you use it on a man?

Because it feels great.

You know, apparently.

Wait, are you saying a man...

Can stick it up his arse if he thinks I'm going to apologise!

You know, sometimes I imagine cutting his cock into little coins to relax myself.

-Ow!

-He's just so intense.

I mean, he makes sex go on for hours just for the ego of it.

It's boring, you know?

That's so boring. Back off, Sting.

I feel like I'm being bitten by a pit bull and I can't shake it off.

I heard the best way to stop a pit bull biting you is to

stick your finger up its bum.

So maybe you should just stick your finger up the bum of life.

Yeah, I'm not even going to take my rings off.

Next time I see Casper, I'm definitely breaking up with him.

Cool. Um, so...

are you any good at sexting?

Cos I've got this...

KNOCKING CASPER: Babe?

GUITAR STRUMMING

Well, I wish I could say it's been a pleasure.

The feeling's mutual.

Boo! So what did I miss?

Just about to kick this lot out and then finish off the lyrics,

record the guitar, go home and...

Where are my lyrics?

Don't look at me. Mossad, remember.

I may have written Jerry's lunch order on the back of them.

And where are they now?

-In a bin, on the high street.

-Hugo!

Shh. (Jerry!)

Oh, is it a bad time to tell you I had a major brainwave?

I think this tune could do with some rhythm guitar to really

-fatten up the strings.

-I don't want fat strings!

I'm looking for that lo-fi singer-song-writery vibe.

HE COUGHS Coffee shop.

Yeah, and not even Starbucks.

-Kind of agree, mate.

-Yeah, me too.

Nobody asked you!

And I've not got time to record the guitar and write new lyrics.

Gwen could do it.

HE SCOFFS

Oh... You're being serious. Gwen can't play guitar.

We met in a guitar shop.

Yeah. You were there picking up musicians.

But I was also...buying a guitar.

No deal. Girls can't shred.

Er... What?! How about Lita Ford, Joan Jett, Courtney Love, Charro?

Oh, I love Charro.

Nancy Wilson. Kim Deal.

Kim Deal's a bassist. That is an official girl's instrument.

All right, you don't want a girl on your track -

maybe I'll just delete my girlie bass?

-And the key is?

-It's in E.

Wouldn't it sound better in C?

Well, we've already recorded all the other instruments in E, haven't we, genius?

-Well, C is a more commercial key.

-Yeah, if you're Katy Perry.

Hey, don't diss Katy.

Gwen thinks Blink 182's a punk band.

Oi, shut up, dick face.

Well, thank you all for playing, everyone.

I'll always be eternally grateful, now if you'll all kindly fuck off.

-HE SIGHS

-What? What now?

I think it needs live drums.

But you said it needed a more electronic beat

to make it sound "dope" and "fresh".

Yeah, but now it sounds a little too EDM. Needs to be more analogue.

-Oh, God...

-PHONE RINGS

Hello? OK.

Jerry's coming, please, everyone hide, right now, please.

What do you not understand about get me a Toblerone?

Is there spunk between your ears?

-No, Jerry.

-Everyone knows when Jerry's done with lunch,

Jerry eats fuckin' Toblerone!

I don't care whatever fuckwit excuse you come up with.

If it happens again, I'm gonna staple your balls to the wall,

shit down your throat and then stick a Grammy up your arse,

because who cares, I've got so many of them,

and then, I'll fire you.

-What about my word?

-You never go back on your word, Jerry.

Fuck right, I don't. Get it together, Hugo!

You insignificant needle-dick prick!

You should have heard him when I forgot his Twiglets.

If you want live drums, you can have live drums.

Where are we gonna find a drummer at such short notice?

Are you sure you can do this?

I was playing in punk bands before you got your first period.

Any I've heard of?

Screaming Vaginas. Face Kick. Piss. Stiletto Testicle Smashers.

Iron Lung. Mandy Boy.

That one was new wave.

So, what is this song called?

It's called Last Place Hero.

Ugh, sounds like Bon Jovi.

-Who are Bon Jovi?

-They're the strap-ons of music.

-Still got it.

-All right, you got about 30 minutes to get these vocals nailed.

I hope these great lyrics are ready to go, Uncle Andy?

SAM GIGGLES

Mum, stop giggling or I'm going to throw your phone!

Is that what I've raised? A phone thrower? Wow!

-Give it to me.

-Guys, not now.

No. I'm an adult. It's my business who I text.

You're sleeping with him, aren't you?

What if I am? Just because you came out of my vagina,

it doesn't mean you can control who goes in it!

(Sh! Jerry.)

-Shall we go?

-Are you kidding? This is just starting to get good.

You don't even know this guy, he could be a serial killer. Or worse.

-Vegan.

-Will you shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Between Sid and Nancy there, and Hugo with your fat guitars,

and Sam with your sexting, seriously! You're almost 40.

Have phone sex with the man like an adult!

I mean, Jesus Christ, Val, I mean, you're all right.

But you - why don't you just let your mum get on with her own

love life instead of interfering all the time?

If she wants to get serial killed, it's up to her.

You dragged me out of my deathbed to come here

and all you've done is screwed with me.

All day long! Do you know what you are? You're a...

SOUND SWITCHES OFF

-He's just lost it, hasn't he?

-Hmm.

..and try and do anything! You...

HE SWITCHES SOUND OFF AGAIN

Are you finished?

36 is not almost 40. And I'm not the one wearing a onesie.

Last Place Hero, vocal, take one.

MUSIC PLAYS

-HE SINGS HOARSELY:

-# Last place hero... #

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Good start.

-# Last place... #

-BEEP

# Last place... #

Stop looking at me!

I can do it. Just give me a minute.

He-e-e...

He-e-e...

He-e-e

He-e-e...ro.

He sounds like a chainsaw fucking another chainsaw.

That was just a practice. I'll get it next time.

Who'd have thought one day we'd be hanging out like this, eh?

You don't need to cheer me up, Val.

I need the fresh air.

Plus your sister wouldn't stop bothering me about her texts.

-I've got the flu.

-I've had the jab.

Doesn't taste of anything.

It's better than that Nicotine gum, though.

-That stuff just gave me a temper.

-You? No way.

You know, I was a pretty good musician.

Could have made a decent living out of it.

Then the last band, the manager quit, so I started booking gigs,

and then I was managing events in clubs and now, I have my own club.

What's your point?

There's more than one way to be a star, Andy.

Nice jumpsuit, by the way.

GUITAR PLAYS, MUFFLED

# You look behind

# You've constantly been overlapped

# I raise my hat

# I'm impressed that you really ran with being crap... #

Sorry. Just messing about.

Oh, shit, not this again.

Gwen, will you do me the honour of singing lead vocals on my song?

Only if we use Errol's lyrics.

Well, Roly? What do you say?

OK.

Only on one condition.

-I can't believe I'm doing this.

-Shhh. I need complete silence.

Guys, you know you've only got seven minutes to get this vocal.

-Just saying.

-This reminds me of my NA meetings.

-Oh, which one do you go to?

-Quaker Centre, Notting Hill.

-Oh, I've been there. Good crowd.

-Yeah, they're...

-Guys!

Dear corpse of famed American astronomer, Carl Sagan.

Please bless us with the organic molecules that have been

released from your desiccated remains.

Look over the studio, poor gentle Hugo and Gwen's beautiful vocals

and my amazing lyrics to help this song shine.

Now Andy can get everything that he deserves. Nothing.

-Mossad, bitch!

-Errol! What are you doing?

If you won't let me play on my own track,

I'm going to delete the whole project on three.

-Roly, darling, just calm down.

-One...

-He doesn't know how to delete the project.

-Two...

No! You said you were going to go on three!

Well, I went on two.

Oh, hi, is this the right room?

Sorry, we're just wrapping up in here. Thanks.

This was supposed to be our fun day and you made it all about you!

Not everything wants keyboards, Errol. Not every single song, Errol.

-Am I right? I'm right, guys.

-Well, it worked for the Beach Boys.

-And The Cure.

-And Deep Purple.

-New Order.

-Pink Floyd.

-The Doors.

That is so effed-up, man.

All your nephew wanted was to play with his uncle.

Shame on you.

But I'm sick!

You're right, man. You are sick.

Shit.

I'm sorry, Errol.

If I could re-record it with you, I would.

But what can I do? We're out of time.

Look, you've got five minutes left.

Couldn't you just record the whole thing live?

Sam, it...

That's a great idea.

Good luck, dickheads!

I'm sorry for trashing the project. I hope this turns out good.

Don't worry about good. Just try and have fun.

Right, this song's in C. On your cue, Val.

# We're always told it's all about the taking part

# Well, woop-dee-doo and well done, you

# You took that sentiment to heart

# You lag behind

# You've constantly been overlapped

# I raise my hat

# I'm impressed that you've really ran with being crap

-# Last place hero

-Here we go again, here we go again

# You're perfect again

# Coming last again

# You can't know again

# You're on show again

# Feeling low again

# Acting real slow again

-# Last place hero

-You offend again, can't pretend again

# Still regrets again

# Getting your revenge again

# You're really slumming it

# You're really slumming it now

# But you should know that you're the best at being you

# The pity is how shitty is everything you fuckin' do

# We're all wrong and you're the only that's right

# You've tried your best

# You failed the test surrounded in your self-made shite

# Can't afford your heating cos your money's always spent

# Scraping every penny cos you're always low on rent

# You're so good at slumming it that you could be the coach

# Had the winning ticket but you've used it for a roach

# Always missing birthdays and you're never there on time

# Living like you're 20 even though you're past your prime

# Last place, last place

# Everyone should just admit you're absolutely smashing it now. #

-Oh!

-What?

-It didn't record.

Only kidding. Yeah!

-Hugo!

-Jerry's going to kill me.

VAL: We won't let him, kid.

No, you know you don't understand. Jerry's really strong!

He does cross-fit.

Who the fuck are these people?

We're The Bear Maximum.

That's the dumbest name I've ever heard.

Hugo, I'm going to punch your teeth out through your dick,

but first, you're fired.

No! You can't do that. He's a good kid

And he's good at his job.

HE COUGHS

-What's wrong with him?

-He's got the flu.

What's the matter, Jerry? Haven't had the jab?

-Jerry doesn't believe in vaccines.

-It'd be a shame to get you sick.

Just stay away from me.

-Then give Hugo his job back!

-No, get away! Fuck off.

HE COUGHS AND WHEEZES

You don't know where I've been, Jerry.

You don't know what I've been through in there.

Just stop! OK, yes! He can have his job back.

-Whatever you say.

-Do you swear it, Jerry? Do you swear it?

Yes! You have my word. Just stop.

That's the grossest thing anyone's ever done for me.

Bet you're glad I haven't had the jab now, aren't you?

-Where...?

-We brought you home after you passed out.

Well, Val and Casper carried you. I watched.

You feeling better?

I'll get you some more paracetamol.

Did you submit the song?

Hugo's still mixing it. I'll do it in a few days.

But the deadline's tomorrow!

No, I just said that to get you out of bed.

You know, erm, I've thought about it

and I will take your guitar up Mount Everest if you really want.

-You'd do that?

-Yeah.

I will need 15 years of mountaineering lessons first.

So, erm, don't die before that.

KETTLE WHISTLES

Oh, the tea!

Here you go, prick.

Look, it's probably none of my business, but if you're going to

get serious with this guy, you should probably tell him.

PHONE BEEPS

Yeah, you're right.

It's none of your business.

'Sam, you naughty girl. You want to get kinky on the phone?

'Sam?'

Hello? Sam?

'Sam?'