Episode 4 Uncle

This programme contains some strong language

Trick or treat!

Andy, what are you doing here?

I told you never to come without an invitation.

I haven't heard from you in a couple of weeks,

so I thought I'd surprise you and be spontaneous and fun-loving.

My husband's home. And the neighbour's blinds are open.

(Well, in that case...)

Can I interest you in some Jehovah's Witness literature?

Andy, I think we're done.

You're getting too attached.

What? No, I'm not, see?

You sent me 20 naked selfies.

I know, I was kind of going for that flip book approach, you know?

MAKES FLIPPING SOUND

I love my husband. I don't want to ruin my marriage.

OK. You know... We can just be friends.

You? Want to be friends? You can't be friends with women.

Why not? I love women.

I haven't known you long

but long enough to know that you break everything you love.

If you really love women, you'll leave them alone.

Andy?

-Shelley?

-You all right?

Yeah, I'm just doing some... Light reading.

In the feminist book section?

Yeah, it's part of my new, er, overhaul.

I'm eating goji berries now as well.

Good for you. How are things?

Yeah, good. I mean, the music stuff is picking up.

How about you, you still doing party gigs?

No, I quit. I couldn't stand it any more.

I started working for a label. I'm a music video commissioner now.

Oh, you joined the enemy?

I get to nurture new acts, see loads of gigs.

Happiest I've ever been.

Except for that time that me and you were together?

Yeah. Of course.

Look, I... I'm sorry about...

Andy, it's fine. Going out with you was an important part of my life.

I mean, my self-esteem was at an all time low

and my career was going nowhere.

But, you know, I had to hit rock bottom to pick myself up again.

Well, you know, glad that I could help.

So, you seeing anyone?

Yeah. Lyle. For about a year now.

He likes Mumford & Sons, you'd hate him. You?

Nah. No. No, no.

Just taking time for myself, really.

Practically living like a monk.

-How's Errol?

-Yeah, he's good. You know, still weird.

LAUGHTER

Look, do you want to maybe, um, get a bite to eat some time?

You know, just as friends?

You want to be just friends?

Yeah, why not? I mean, you're seeing Mumford & Sons

and I've taken a vow of celibacy.

I'm not monk-ing about.

Yeah, maybe some time.

Yeah, sounds goo...

Whoo!

HE LAUGHS AWKWARDLY

Um, er, how long?

Eight months. You're still happy being friends, right?

Baby, maybe. Definitely.

Nice seeing you, Andy.

Hello?

Andy, what are you doing here?

-Shelley's pregnant.

-Great, but you can't just come in out of the blue.

I gave you the key for emergencies.

Shelley's knocked up, this is an emergency. She looked so happy.

I've never made anyone that happy. Is Errol in?

Er, no, he's just, he's, er, he's getting his costume

for the school Halloween party.

I'll just crash here until he gets back.

No! You should go.

Have you got someone here?

Yeah, right(!) I wish.

Yeah, the only action I'm getting is my spinning class.

"Earn the burn", "Spin to win"...

Fine, I'll go.

No! No. You should stay.

Are you hungry?

-Hey, sweetie. How'd it go?

-It was a nightmare.

I wanted to go as Isaac Newton but they ran out of baroque wigs.

Oh, no! I hate it when that happens.

If I go wearing these clothes, holding a Guardian,

could I pass for Edward Snowden?

-Oh, shit.

-What?

-Amy's dropped out.

We're a chaperone short for the party tonight.

It's just a bunch of geeky kids, how many chaperones

-do you need?

-An army.

Last year, there were smoke bombs in the faculty lounge, laxatives in the

punch bowl, chilli oil on the toffee apples, an unplanned pregnancy...

Sounds like an average night out in Camden.

Why don't you chaperone then?

-Hell, no.

-Mum, I like Uncle Andy, and even I think that's a horrible idea.

Come on, you can handle kids.

Plus, Melodie will be there.

No.

No, she's taken and I'm busy.

You don't want me there, anyway.

I'll just balls things up like I normally do.

I always end up an emotional wreck at these things.

And I always have a chance to look cool and blow it.

So what if we just decide to not do our usual shit tonight, guys?

This family is capable of having one night out, without self-destructing.

We just have to think before we act

or speak or think.

Who is with me?

Fuck it, I'm in.

As long as I get to choose Edward Snowden's costume.

-Deal.

-Wait, what?

Are you sure people are going to get this?

I don't just look like an underage mortician?

Relax. You look cool.

I'd better. This costume has to get me my first kiss.

HE LAUGHS

First kiss?!

No, I mean, no biggy.

You know, nerds bloom late.

Once you're there and have your own million-dollar software

corporation, women'll be climbing over each other to get you.

I can't wait that long, though.

Boys who don't hit certain social milestones

are more likely to become serial killers!

All right, all right, calm down. Have you even got a girl in mind?

Ruby. I think she's been flirting with me.

The other day I asked her if I could borrow her pen

and she actually gave it to me.

Wow, not a whole pen! What about that One Direction thing?

Oh, she's moved on. She's into Mumford & Sons now.

I can't believe you wouldn't lend me a keyboard.

Keyboards aren't props.

Yeah, but it's not Keytar Cat.

Whatevs, at least I'm wearing a costume.

-This is a costume.

-No-one is going to get it.

People with taste will get it.

The only people that are going to get

-yours are weird, creepy internet geeks.

-Hey, Keyboard Cat!

Looking great, guys.

Thanks.

Can you guess what we've come as?

Course. The Specials are my all-time favourite band.

Rudy rude boys forever!

-See?

-What a frightful bunch!

Hi, Ms Vaughn. You look fab.

-Can you guess what I am?

-A witch?

I'm a Fairy God Mother.

Ms Vaughn, this is my brother Andy. He's filling in for Amy.

If you need something filling in, then I'm your man.

I'm loving the whole MI5 thing.

Spooks is my favourite.

Here are your chaperone badges.

Remember, we don't want any trouble tonight.

Mr Foster! Hands out of the punch bowl now!

Girls and boys need at least one foot between them.

We don't want a repeat of last year.

Of course, I don't have to worry about you, Errol!

-Bitch.

-Errol!

-What? I said witch.

Which reminds me that I need a drink.

So, I guess we should, er, partner up as, er, chaperone buddies?

Oh, yeah. Good idea.

Have fun.

Pathetic. They think they're being subtle.

Seriously. When did you find out?

-About a month. You?

-Same.

I was playing Flappy Bird on Bruce's phone when your mum texted

"I need my meat injection." Cringe.

Are all adults as embarrassing as this or is it just our parents?

Old people make everything gross.

Hope I'm not as gross as that if I ever fall in love.

Yeah.

Er, cool suit, by the way.

What? Oh, er, thanks, yeah.

It's from some dumb movie that Uncle Andy's obsessed with.

It's giving me a bit of a wedgie.

No screaming or running! And get back inside.

What is there about this night that turns our little angels into devils?

You tell me. I'm feeling a little bit devilish myself.

Is Keyboard Cat in heat?

Depends, does 1950s robot need me to change his oil?

Seriously, can you even get out of this thing?

You'll be pleased to know this costume is modular.

Nice try, dipshit.

Hey, that's my dad's!

Well, you can tell your dad...

That he has got shit taste in whisky.

What are you even doing here, loser?

Well, I got finished slamming your mum early,

so, er, nice costume by the way.

Bit on the nose, don't you think?

What're you supposed to be, A shit Men in Black?

-Jake Blues, The Blues Brothers?

-Never heard of it.

Obviously. It's not a Pixar film.

What a massive dick.

Yeah? That's what your dad said...

When your mum...

Told him how big I was.

LAUGHTER

Go on, get in there, that's it, Charlie!

Just friends, you can do this.

That's it, you can do it!

Hey, friend!

Hey, Andy. Nice Matrix costume.

Oh, er, thank you.

What do you think of mine? Made it myself.

It looks really well-made.

Oh, can I, er, can I tempt you?

Oh, um...

Not right now.

Er, Matrix men don't eat, remember.

Hey kiddies, how's it shaking?

Hey, Ryan. That's a really good Back to the Future costume.

Do you think?

I was sort of torn between Marty and George McFly, to be honest.

"I'm your density."

I mean, "Destiny."

Aw, you're so cute.

Keep an eye on this one.

SHE SMACKS HIM

So, um, Melodie said you've got a really sick discography at home.

Melodie mentioned that she'd been round my flat?

Yeah, the night you guys got really mashed up.

Don't look so stricken, Andy, she tells me everything.

Said that you have the best music taste out of any guy she'd ever met.

Oh, aside from you, obviously.

Obviously.

But what is most important is that we hate the same bands.

Mumford & Sons.

I made them break up using just my psychic powers.

All right?

Yeah.

I saw Alfie spit on those.

We should go and mingle.

-Do you want to come and talk to Ruby with me?

-No.

Come on. You two can talk about girl things.

I hate girl things.

I love jamming in my spare time

but the music career thing, just a bit of a lark.

Teaching is my true calling.

Like Pryzbylewski in, er, season 4 of The Wire.

I'm so heterosexually attracted to you right now.

If it wasn't for the old lady friend...

She's a good one.

She's THE one.

Never been more certain of anything in my whole life.

Oh, Mr Sardson, someone let off a stink bomb in the boys loo.

Well, duty calls.

Are you leaving without saying goodbye, then?

Hey. Yeah.

Er, I'm not feeling so hot.

Must be a glitch in the Matrix or something

but, um... It was really nice seeing you.

And...you look really happy.

Excuse me, Ms Thomas, Ms Thomas.

A girl just slipped down the stairs, I think she's broken her ankle!

Oh, God. Andy, will you come help?

Er, yep.

Everything seems in order.

She's just in there.

Where is she?

Well, well, if it ain't Snore White and Men in Crap.

Oh, shit.

Enjoy your all-night lez-off, ladies.

Alfie, no!

Alfie Foster, you are in deep shit!

-Hi, Ruby.

-Oh, hey, guys.

Nice dress.

Cool ghost costume. I like yours too, Errol.

It's giving him a wedgie.

She's joking.

(Girl talk.)

So, Ruby, have you started your period yet?

-Er...

-Ha-ha...

No, I had to go out and buy my mum some tampons the other week.

Yeah, I think the cashier thought I was some sort of boyish lesbian.

You know tampons have been around since ancient Egypt?

They used to call periods "the Pharaoh's curse."

Crazy stuff, right?

Ladies?!

Hey, Rubes, we stole Ms Vaughn's keys and we're going to the

staff room to play Seven Minutes In Heaven, want to come?

What's Seven Minutes In Heaven?

Kissing game you play in a cupboard.

You can bring your friends too.

What about Errol and Tiffany?

Air-hole and Tuf-fanny? I don't think so.

It's either me and ALL my friends, or none of us at all.

Someone help!

Who designed this door, Josef Fritzl?!

Shit, I haven't got any bars, have you?

No. Alfie'd better get expelled for this.

Yeah, well, his dad's on the board of governors. He's untouchable.

Well, at least it's not my fault.

Why would it be your fault?

It doesn't matter.

Well, Ryan'll come looking for us once he sees I'm missing.

And if not, the caretaker will definitely unlock the door...

-That's good.

-..at 5am.

Fuck him.

And now I'm dying of thirst.

Well, it's not water but it's wet.

So, should probably tell the kids soon, right?

Totally. Yeah, I'm just waiting for the right time.

Errol's been annoyed with his dad lately and I'm enjoying

-being the good guy for once.

-I just hope Claire doesn't try to

murder you when she finds out.

Why would she? You're getting a divorce, she cheated on you.

Her brain doesn't work like that.

When we were together, I wasn't allowed any female Facebook friends.

-Shit.

-Exactly.

-(No, it's Claire.)

-I have a confession.

-Er, shoot.

Claire didn't leave me. I left her.

-OK...

-And now she's trying to win me back.

-What? Why don't you just

tell her we're together!

Claire! You look great.

And look at this hunky robot.

Ooh, you wear my favourite cologne.

Like a Boy Scout, always prepared.

Hey, Claire. That costume's fab.

What costume?

Kidding!

Charlie's Angels used to be mine and Bruce's favourite role play.

Anyway, how are you, Sam? It's been too long.

I probably didn't have these whiskers then.

Actually, you did.

Seriously though, if you want to pop in the salon,

we'll wax that right off.

So, you still doing that psychology stuff?

-I always thought Bruce should go to therapy.

-Sorry, can we not...

Oh, relax. It's only Sam.

It's not like she's your girlfriend.

Has anyone seen my keys?

Anyone seen Melodie?

Actually, where's Andy and Errol?

Bruce. Where's our daughter?

So, you spin the bottle and whoever...

Whomever.

Whoever it lands on, you go in the cupboard with for seven minutes.

If it lands on someone of the same sex, you spin again.

That's homophobic.

And then, I scratched a massive dick into his dad's Bentley.

That never happened.

No, I swear to Satan, it happened.

Why do you think Alfie hates me so much?

Because he's a cock.

I'm not supposed to badmouth my students.

-You can just blame it on the whisky.

-Yeah.

I remember that was the day that

I first saw Shelley again, since school.

I saw her today. She's pregnant.

You don't sound too thrilled.

I'm never anyone's happy ending. You know, I'm a bit like jazz.

You think it's a good idea at the time and then, in the end,

it's just disappointing and messy.

Yeah, you dodged a bullet with me.

Dodged a bullet?

Well, you know, cos...

..it doesn't matter.

But you've met your Prince Charming, haven't you?

Yeah. Ryan's amazing.

He's like a greatest hits album, isn't he?

I'm sure you'll be very happy together.

Why does that feel like an insult?

You know it's...

It's not like Ryan and I are...

Married or anything.

Now, that is the whisky talking.

I might be a bad person

but that doesn't mean I have to make bad decisions, so...

(I'm going to take this...)

(And I'm going to sit over here.)

It's your turn, Rubes.

SHOCKED GASPS

It's between two people. Do over.

# Seven minutes in heaven

# Or a lifetime in hell

# Seven minutes in heaven, darling

# It's too early to tell

# One, two, three, four, five, six, seven

# Got seven whole minutes just to take you to heaven

# Was there something between us, if there was, what was it?

# Trapped in a cupboard but I'm not in a closet

# Breathing so hard, going faster and faster

# But it might be the dust, it's affecting my asthma

# Time's running out at a rate that's alarming

# You're my fairytale princess, I'm your Prince Fucking Charming

# Round, round, round, goes the spin of the bottle

# Better slow down, don't give it full throttle

# I like, like you so hard, I like, like you to bits

# You look like an angel, an angel with tits

# I've helped you with homework for terms and terms

# I wanted to kiss you, to hell with the germs

# Want to take you heaven till you're begging for more

# I got seven whole minutes but I'll only need four

# I don't know why you wouldn't want this to be

# Anything that it could be

# I don't know why you would want this to end

# Seven minutes in heaven

# Oh, oh, yeah

# Seven minutes in heaven

# Oh, oh, yeah

# Seven minutes in heaven

# Oh, oh, yeah

# Seven minutes in heaven.

# Oh, oh, yeah. #

-Spin again.

-No!

You made the rules, Alfie.

Come on, Errol.

Melodie?

Tiff?

So, er, how long have you been with Errol's mum?

Wow, wow, who says I'm with Errol's mum?

Come on, it doesn't take a rocket scientist.

Plus, I saw you guys coming out of the broom cupboard together.

Please don't tell my ex.

Relax, it's none of my business.

Out of curiosity though, as a formerly married man,

how did you, um, propose?

Claire proposed to me, actually.

Half-time at the Fulham-Stoke match.

Projected on the big screen in front of 20,000 fans.

It must've been a great day.

Yeah, it was. We won 2-0.

Tiff?!

Love a good closet.

It's like being in a lift

but without all of the hydraulic risk factors.

I can't kiss you, Errol.

No, definitely, no. I'd, er, recommend against.

Just to be clear though, why aren't we kissing?

I just want to be on the same page.

Is there another boy you fancy?

No. It's Tiffany.

You fancy Tiffany?

Wow, OK. I didn't see that coming.

Now I see how the One Direction thing was just an overcompensation.

No, Tiffany fancies you and I'm afraid she'll beat me up.

No, that's crazy.

Rubes? Is Air-hole's breath knocking you out already?

Go away, Alfie!

Look, if Tiffany didn't have a crush on you, why does

-she follow you everywhere?

-She's my bodyguard.

I've seen the way she looks at you in class.

She's just keeping an eye out for snipers.

Look, if we kiss, we don't have to tell anyone.

Are you angry with me?

No.

Yes.

People look at me and all they see some innocent little...

Pollyanna.

Well, the costume's not helping.

I know you think you're this tortured artist, Andy,

but I'm no angel.

I've slept with a married man.

I've slept with a married woman.

Now you're just turning me on.

-I was sectioned once.

-OK, that's less sexy. Go on.

I had food issues... Have, I have food issues.

Couldn't keep a meal down for five years.

I ate 30 Crunchie bars in an hour, once,

and I still can't see one without breaking a sweat.

Bulimia with self-harm was the official diagnosis.

Does Ryan know all this?

I don't want to pull him down into the darkness.

But you and me, we already live there, Andy.

So you're not protecting me from the big bad wolf.

I was ruining my own life long before I met you.

Were they fun size Crunchies or the regular ones?

Tiff?!

Roly?!

Sam, can I ask you something?

Is it the lines on my forehead? Yeah, I know I should get Botox.

But I'm just, I hate needles. That's why I never mainlined heroin.

It's not the lines but I can get you a good price on those.

As a therapist, anything I say is confidential, right?

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah.

Do you think I'm scary?

You?

No.

No? It's just that sometimes I think things ended with me and Bruce

because I was overpowering.

I thought they ended because you cheated on him?

We could be all night figuring out who's to blame,

it's just that there's something different about him.

A glow. If I didn't know any better...

-Claire, I just want to say...

-I think he wants me back.

-Pardon?

-It's obvious.

And I know Tiff hates living between two houses.

I mean, look how it's damaged your boy. What do you think?

Should we give it another go?

-Erm...

-There you two are!

I think I know where the children might be.

You've got a minute left.

Maybe we should just come out early.

There's valour in defeat.

-Wait.

-'That's it. I'm coming in.'

Leave them alone, Alfie.

Don't you mind your boyfriend's in there with the

prettiest girl in school?

-Shut up, you're just jealous.

-Get off me, Tuf-fanny!

What's that...

..wet feeling?

It's not me, I swear!

Oh, no.

I think I just got my first...

..Pharaoh's curse.

Wait, your first? You mean you've... You've never...

So you've, er, had your first period.

Erm, congratulations.

You're a woman. Don't freak out.

It, er, happens late for some girls.

We can still kiss, though, can't we?

I have to go!

-Argh!

-Ruby, wait!

What's going on? Is this an orgy?!

Get out!

Roly, what is going on here?

What do you care? You're too busy with Bruce to understand!

Bruce? What's he talking about?

Sam and Bruce are shagging.

Kids' imaginations!

Listen, Claire, I can explain everything. The thing is...

that I'm going to run.

HE SIGHS

Ryan's going to propose.

-How do you know?

-I can just feel it.

Like when you eat 12 packets of Maltesers

and you know you're going to be sick.

-You've eaten 12 packets of Maltesers?

-18's my record.

That's what I get for watching the Buffy box set.

You could do a lot worse than Ryan.

Yeah, I know.

Ryan's nice and...

Good, fun...

Safe.

Safe is good.

But I don't want to be safe.

I want to be...

thrilled.

Just once more...

..before I'm locked away for good.

There.

See?

Nothing ruined.

Melodie?

Ryan...

Got it! Reservoir Dogs!

Ryan, it's not what it looks like!

Oh, really? Cos it looked a lot like you two were sucking face.

We weren't kissing,

Alfie locked us in the storeroom

and then I got a Skittle stuck down my throat.

Was it an orange one? God, I hate those guys.

You must think I'm stupid, Andy?

It's not like I didn't know there was a spark between you two

but I thought you were cooler than that. How could you, man?

And dressed as a character from my all-time favourite film.

-You know, I'm never going to be able to watch Blues Brothers again.

-Yes!

Finally, somebody gets... It...

Bruce, are you slamming this bony bitch?

Hey! Aww, do you think I'm bony?

I was joking. They're not really together.

-Yes, they are.

-Who the fuck are you?

Claire. Who the fuck are you?

I'm Sam's brother.

Hang on, you're Bruce's ex, Claire?

And you think them two are together?

I think I would know if my sister was shacking up with Bruce.

It's true.

Sorry I didn't tell you sooner, Claire.

But now that everything's out in the open,

hopefully we can handle this like adults.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Truce?

Ow!

Yeah, yeah?

Don't! You wouldn't dare. I've just had my roots done!

What on earth is going here?!

CROWD GASPS

Hi, Tiff.

Hey.

I appreciate you sticking up for me before.

Especially considering...

What?

I just wanted to say thanks.

You're welcome.

Haven't said thank you yet.

No matter how hard I try doing things right,

I always end up with egg on my face.

Or cupcake in your hair.

It's my fault.

I should have been honest with Claire.

I guess I'm just a malfunctioning robot.

Somebody should probably give you a service then.

You're right, otherwise we might have a CAT-atsrophe on our hands.

-Ow!

-Yeah?!

Bruce, can you give us a minute?

Look, Claire. I just want to say, for my part,

I didn't handle the situation well and I'm really sorry.

Yeah. I really need to step back

and take a good long look at myself after this too.

Really?

No.

Watch your back, bitch.

So, if you knew about your mum and Bruce...

..why didn't you tell me?

I figured you'd have a meltdown about it being weird

between you and Bruce, and make it all about yourself.

Did you have your first kiss?

A gentleman never tells.

Yeah, but Blues Brothers don't keep secrets, do they?

All right, then.

Do you love Melodie?

You know...

..next year, we should come as Ghostbusters.

Great. Another film I haven't heard of.

Are the costumes for that wedgie-inducing as well?

Nah. Super baggy and comfortable.

Naturally, I'll be Bill Murray.

You'll be Harold Ramis, obviously.

And Bruce is going to have to be Ernie Hudson.

And Tiff is just going to have to live with being Aykroyd.