Episode 5 Uncle

Here's one - "Door attendant for a nightclub in Stoke Newington."

-That's music related.

-Standing in a doorway in Stokey

isn't REALLY music related, is it?

-All right.

-How about, "A mover at a piano factory in Ealing"?

Look, Suzan, despite my brawny physic,

you might be surprised to learn I'm not much of pack mule.

I have a bulging lumbar.

That's not as dirty as it sounds.

I give up, Mr King. We've been at this for weeks

and I haven't found a single job up to your standards.

How about fighter pilot? "I feel the need, the need for..."

A job that doesn't take years of training and qualifications.

MOBILE BUZZES

Have you had any employment outside of music?

When I was a teenager I worked in a cinema for six months.

That was until the nacho incident.

Health and safety found some swimmers in the liquid cheese.

It wasn't me, but I took the bullet cos I'm a team player.

And then I've just been working at Carpet Brothers for the last year.

That was until I got myself intentionally fired.

-And why would you do that?

-Severance, duh!

Wait, this is confidential right? Like a doctor-patient thing?

This programme contains adult humour and contains very strong language.

Hello, Mr Calcite.

Looking very handsome today.

Who's touched my minerals?

-What's up sailor?

-Hi, Roly.

They were all organised alphabetically

and now opal's in fluorite's place. It's mayhem!

Are you sure you didn't move them by mistake?

Mistake? Me? Mistake?

I, um, might have moved them accidentally while I was cleaning.

You cleaned my room?

Sweetheart, would you give us a minute?

-Roly, listen...

-How long is she staying?

Roly, you have to face it, she's living with us now.

And please stop calling her "she". Veronica's only trying to help.

Well, I found Helpful Veronica's super-plus tampons

-in the bathroom three weeks ago.

-So...?

So by my calculations, she's ovulating.

Therefore, I highly suggest that you use a prophylactic.

We wouldn't want any mistakes.

Andy, we need to talk.

George, I can't talk now. Got a conference call with Berlin.

You're nearly three months late.

That explains the bloating and the morning sickness.

-First trimesters, eh?

-I want my rent, Andy.

-How about I pay you in guitar lessons?

-Hate guitar.

Fine. How about this, then?

Are you bribing me with drugs?

That depends - is it working?

Fine. But I want my money ASAP or you're out.

-MOBILE RINGS

-Cool stuff.

-Yep?

-Hey, Andy. It's Ben.

Shit. Did Roly tell you about the shoplifting?

-He made me do it.

-What shoplifting?

HE LAUGHS

Gotcha!

Ah...

-How can I help?

-Listen, can you take care of Roly this weekend?

-Andy?

-Sorry, I was just checking to see if hell had frozen over.

I can't believe I'm asking this either.

And don't tell Sam this. Um...

He's having a few teething problems with Veronica.

He could use some outside perspective.

You know, you could do your "cool uncle" thing.

So, you're pawning off your kid's problems on cool Uncle Andy?

-Forget it. This was a bad idea.

-No, no, no, no! No, Ben, Ben.

I'll do it...on one condition.

I'm not paying you.

I don't want you to pay me!

But will you pay my rent?

I'll pay for dinner. Now, come pick him up.

And, Andy, remember - don't tell Sam.

You have my word.

Ben's making me look after Errol this weekend

cos he can't stop fighting with Ver-on-ica!

-Hello?

-Has Mum called you yet?

No. She's not going to visit, is she?

Do I have to stock up on Sambuca and unfiltered Camels?

No. Uncle Frank's dying. Stage 4. It's in his lungs.

Huh.

Oddly...I don't give a shit.

Thank God it's not just me. I thought I was a horrible person.

-Is he in hospital?

-No. He's at his cabin. He's got days, apparently.

-You're not planning on visiting?

-Fuck no.

I'm supposed to be working on my dissertation.

But so far, I have spent three hours on my Pinterest page

for my imaginary horse sanctuary.

That miserable bastard can die alone.

He taught me how to skin joints for him when I was six.

Tiny hands make great special smokes.

Do you remember how he used to call you shit brains?

-No?

-"Shit brains!"

I swear, if he left us anything in his will, I wouldn't take it.

I don't want his blood money.

How much blood money are we talking about?

I remember hearing he made a few hundred grand in insurance

after his strip club burnt down.

So, what are you doing today?

Get in!

She touched my minerals!

The next thing you know, she'll be using my laminator or my embosser!

What does Dad see in her?

Wait, where are we going? I thought we were going to your place.

-We're going to visit Uncle Frank.

-Who?

Me and your mum's Uncle. You know, your Grandma Jane's brother.

Oh. I never knew I had a great uncle.

Trust me, he's not that great.

He dropped off the map when he went to prison

for stealing dialysis machines.

I think he tried to sell one to Osama Bin Laden.

Well, this is great! He'll know how to handle Veronica.

I've been looking for a wise old mentor.

I thought I was your mentor!

-I said "wise", didn't I?

-Good luck with that. He hates kids.

When we were played hide-and-seek,

he'd make me hide in the tumble dryer.

Why are we going to visit him, then?

Because I'm late on my rent and he's about to croak and...

-I need to check if I'm in his will.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You're taking advantage of a dying man? That's disgusting.

Tumble dryer! Yeah?

What would you say if I told you that he used to steal my minerals,

grind them up and snort them for breakfast?

Well, I'd say step on it.

Never seen a dying person before.

Don't worry.

Just try and imagine him with a clown's nose.

You want me to imagine a dying clown?

Hello?

Uncle Frank?

Uncle Frank?

Is he dead?

I don't know. Check his pulse.

Ew, I don't touch raw chicken. I'm not going to touch some dead guy.

He's not some dead guy, he's Frank.

Now, show some respect and check your dead uncle's pulse.

GUN SHAFT CLICKS

Who are you?

-Hello, Frank. It's your nephew, Andy.

-I haven't got a nephew.

And if I did, he wouldn't look like a Big Issue seller.

Now, I'm going to count to three

and you and the skinny girl better be gone by two.

One...

This is Errol, Sam's son.

HIGH-PITCHED: You have a lovely home.

-Two...

-I'm too young to die! I haven't seen a solar eclipse.

-BANG!

-Argh!

FRANK LAUGHS

Got you, shit brains!

It's not loaded.

Think I can't remember my own sister's loser kid?

Make yourself at home.

Can I get you anything? Whisky? Bourbon?

How about a nice chamomile, perhaps?

Just pretend he's not here.

Why are you here, shit brains?

-I heard you were dying.

-I'm not dying.

Nothing a good steak and a Lemsip won't sort out.

Just came to see if I could do anything to help?

I haven't seen you for 15 years. How are you going to help?

I'm a great caregiver.

I once kept a whole tank of sea monkeys alive for almost a year.

Just pretend he isn't here.

FRANK COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Shouldn't you be in a hospital, Uncle Frank?

Those pricks, they don't want to cure you.

They want to keep you nice and sick

so you can line the drug companies' pockets.

Plus, I was banned - groping a nurse.

What is the NHS coming to, eh?

That's Rasputin, the meanest fighting cock you've ever seen.

50 fights, undefeated.

Oh, he's the light of my life.

Anyway. Nice of you to pop in.

You can both piss off now. Antiques Roadshow's about to start.

All right, fine. We'll leave.

It's just a shame to let all these go to waste.

There might be a little something you can do round the house.

No!

You can have these when we're finished.

First, how can I help?

-You could do the dishes.

-Errol, adults are talking.

Kid's right. Do my dishes.

Why don't we go to the cinema after this, Uncle Frank?

-They say laughter is the best medicine.

-Shut up.

Trying to find out how much this porcelain chamber pot's worth.

Should you be smoking in your condition, Uncle Frank?

They're his lungs. He can do what he likes.

Do you know who you remind me of?

A young Brian Cox? The physicist, not the actor.

He's a cox, all right.

You remind me of Helmet Harry. We was in the Falklands together.

He was built like an anorexic flamingo and all.

I didn't know you were in the Falklands, Uncle Frank.

You didn't know your dick was attached to your balls.

Anyway, he was obsessed with keeping his helmet spotless.

If he got anything on his helmet,

Harry'd be polishing away like that, bullets whistling by.

What happened to him?

Got his head shot off, didn't he? Mid-polish.

Great funeral, though.

Ooh. His mum gave my helmet a little bit of a polish and all, son.

FRANK LAUGHS

Nice one, Frank, you ledge.

Here, have a look at the shrapnel they pulled out of my arse.

I'd, er, love to.

What are you doing?!

I'm learning about the older generation.

It's like the History Channel, but with less Hitler and more swearing.

Ask Frank if I'm in his will.

No. No, we've got too much in common. We both love antiques.

-You like collecting farts in a jar.

-Jesus, that was once!

You ask him. Just be up front with him.

I think he responds to blunt honesty.

-I can't ask him that.

-You're terrified of him, aren't you?

-Yeah, right.

-Oi!

Get your arse in here, Errol.

Ask him.

This little bastard was an inch away from paralysing me.

Cool.

What type of mineral is that?

That's a kidney stone.

It was like passing a meteor through a bendy straw.

Here. It's yours.

Shouldn't you leave it in your will

to the Imperial War Museum or something?

I'd never write a will.

Two things in this life you never trust - cats and banks.

That's why I buried all my money out in the garden.

How do you remember where you put it?

I got a map...like Long John Silver.

Who's that?

I don't know.

Came with the frame.

MOBILE RINGS

Um, just looking for the bathroom.

-Hello? Oh, you've got company?

-Janice.

This is my shit-brained nephew and this is my...my great-nephew, Errol.

Hi, there boys. Frank, I brought you some shepherd's pie.

Oh! I love pie.

Janice runs the sheep farm next door with her husband.

I do the cooking, he does the humping and lumping.

Don't sell yourself short, Janice. You do plenty of humping.

Oh, Frank!

Oh, Frank! Ohh!

'Ooh! Frank! Ooh!'

'Oh, Frank!'

That's the most disturbing noise I've ever heard -

and I've heard foxes mate.

We need to find that map.

So, now you want to steal? Frank doesn't deserve that.

Did it never occur to you that maybe he doesn't hate kids?

Maybe he just hates you?

Just keep a look out for me.

MOBILE RINGS

What is it?

-You haven't responded to my Candy Crush invite.

-What?

I can't unlock the next level until you accept my invite.

I swear I will start on my dissertation right after that.

Oh! I love that shepherd's pie!

She can do what she likes anywhere else in the house,

but just stay out of my room and keep your claws off my minerals.

You know what you want to do?

-Get a life?

-Write her a stern letter.

Shave her hair off.

What? You mean, like, metaphorically?

Use scissors or a razor or whatever you've got.

That's what I did when a bloke tried it on with me in the nick.

I mean, I'm not one to turn down a free Billy Joel,

don't get me wrong, he was too ugly for radio.

You're like a real-life Shawshank Redemption, aren't you.

-Did he leave you alone after that?

-Nah!

Got beaten to a pulp, spent three months in the prison hospital.

Still can't shit right.

But I stood up for myself.

Fill it up.

And don't forget the kid.

Oh. He doesn't drink.

No, no - I'll have a little.

Not after what happened last time. Your folks would kill me.

-What happened? You go on a bender?

-HE CHUCKLES

No, he...

Doesn't matter, the answer's no.

You look like you could do with a refill, Uncle Frank.

Shall I get you another bottle?

That's the best idea you've had all day, shit brains.

Shit brains to the rescue.

So, who's the girl, then?

Girl?

You said it came with the frame but they don't put Polaroids in frames.

Uh-huh.

That's Maggie, my daughter.

Do you see her much?

No. I ain't seen her since she was little.

Did a little bit of digging recently, though,

and turns out she works in Southend Hospital.

She's a maternity nurse.

I spent all my life running. Turns out she works 40 minutes away.

Somebody up there's got a sick sense of humour, kid.

Oi! What's keeping you, shit brains?

Would you like bottle service at your table, sir?

Depends...when you've done looking for my map.

Wait! Me and Uncle Frank were just starting to bond.

He was teaching me how to deal with Veronica,

-and maybe even the meaning of life!

-The meaning of life is

don't get killed by a psychotic criminal who's high on pure oxygen.

Wait, you can't drink and drive.

Watch me.

ENGINE STUTTERS

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no! Come on!

Leaving so soon?

I was about to pop a frozen pizza into the oven.

All right, then. Thanks. Bye.

They can't fix the car till tomorrow.

Are you going to ask?

Ask what?

If you can stay the night.

Well, can we?

Yeah.

But if either of you touch my vintage porn collection,

I'll cut your tits off.

This sofa pulls down into a bed.

Don't worry about the stain on the mattress.

Little bit of shepherd's pie.

Oh, no.

I am destined to live a life of poverty.

I will never be able to afford my own Flying V guitar,

handmade boots, my own bidet.

You just need to pay your rent.

Why don't you ask Frank for a loan?

Frank's not going to give me a loan!

He's never done anything nice for me. Why would he start now?

Well, have you ever done anything nice for him?

TOILET FLUSHES

Ahh.

Nothing quite like the first piss of the day, lads.

What are you two looking so happy about?

You ain't found my stash of magic mushrooms, have you?

No. But we have invited someone magical over.

Who? Drum roll...

BOTH: Maggie!

I think he just needs some time to process.

MOBILE RINGS

Hello? What are you doing up?

I just bought a superfood nutrition extractor, aka the NutriBullet.

-What?

-OK, it's basically just a juicer but it's amazing

and it's so easy to clean, which is great cos

when I'm working on my dissertation, I won't have time for the dishes.

-YELLS:

-Motherfucker!

Who was that?

-DOOR SLAMS

-Frank.

-You took Roly to meet Uncle Frank!?

-Sam...

HANG-UP TONE

Sam?

Wait, Frank!

Shit, Frank!

You better contact Maggie right now and un-invite her.

I'm sorry, we just thought...

You? Who gave you permission to think, shit brains?

-OK, OK! I'll phone her!

-It's too late.

Hi, there.

I'm you're cousin Andy. This is my nephew Errol.

-Yes, it's a stupid name.

-How was the drive?

Just a trip down the motorway.

-Thank God for Radio 4.

-Oh, I love Radio 4.

Especially Woman's Hour.

Did you hear the episode with Hillary Clinton?

Would you like a drink?

There's no chamomile.

Um...I'm all right, thanks. I don't...

Hi.

What's going on?

You told me he was dead and you needed me to identify the body?

You said I was dead?

He said you dropped a radio in the bath.

A radio? That'd never work.

Well, it could work. Hypothetically.

-I can't do this.

-No, no, Maggie, wait!

"Dear Maggie, happy eighth birthday.

"I'm sorry I can't visit this year.

"I know I promised, but something's come up."

Where'd you get that? You give that back.

"I got your cards and I know you miss me,

"but just cos you love a thing don't make it good for you.

"Like sniffing glue. Have a nice life. Love, Frank."

But you never posted this letter, did you, Frank?

You had no right to go through my stuff.

Frank, stop.

CLOCK TICKS

Have you seen Frank's vintage porn collection?

Or his cock?

Look, Maggie, it was nothing against you, the whole losing touch thing.

Losing touch? Is that what you call it?

I think that's called deserting, Frank.

Pot-ae-to, pot-a-to.

You were better off without me.

You left me with a crazy person.

Mum blamed me for you abandoning us. And you know what?

The whole thing would have been almost bearable

with a phone call once in a while.

In Frank's defence, there is hardly any reception up here.

Yeah, I mean, I've only got one bar.

You've avoided responsibility your whole life

and now I'm supposed to forgive you because you're dying?

I've been telling people you were dead for years.

Makes it easier when my son asks questions.

You have a son?

Grandpa Frank. That's got a nice ring to it.

I can't do this.

What did you guys think was going to happen?

Frank and I would make up for lost time

and I'd whisper, "I love you, Daddy"?

You don't have to whisper if you don't want to.

All right, let's start over!

Frank, how about you say, "Hello, Maggie,

"it's nice to see you after all these years."

And Maggie, how about you say, "Frank..."

-You piece of shit, I'll kill you!

-Sam?

You had no right bringing Roly here!

I never wanted him to meet Uncle Frank.

-How did you get here so quickly?

-I speeded.

-Mum, no!

-Yes. Errol, get in the car now!

Sorry - who are you?

I'm Frank's estranged daughter, Maggie.

I'm Frank's estranged niece, Sam. Hi.

What did I do to piss you off?

Really? Nothing comes to mind?

What? I hit you once?

Wow! Huh.

You are a piece of work, Frank.

Good luck with the dying.

-Nice to meet you.

-Bye.

Who wants some tea?

It was all fine till you idiots showed up.

You think I don't know why you're here?

There is no map.

You want some money?

Then stop avoiding a hard day's work and go out and earn it.

Avoiding?

You're the one that's hiding in a cabin in the woods like Bigfoot.

Face it Frank, you're going to die.

You know what?

It's people like you, make me wish that cancer was contagious.

What are you looking at, you?

You never seen a monster before, son?

-You're not a monster.

-What would you know?

You're too busy worrying about your precious minerals!

They're just rocks!

You want to know how to handle your dad's girlfriend?

Get some rocks of your own, you whiny little shit!

-Now, you yet out.

-It's not even loaded.

Get out!

He can't get away with this.

No, Sam!

Stay here.

CHOKING

FRANK WHEEZES

Chest pains started a couple of months ago.

I thought it was an old fighting injury acting up.

Then came the cough.

HE SIGHS

Lungs like a puddle of mud.

I tried putting it off until, uh...

till I passed out at the race track.

Woke up in hospital shot through with needles.

Doctors said I have a week to live, tops.

That was a week ago.

I thought you were banned for groping a nurse?

No, that's just me building up my rep, kid.

They begged me to stay, but I wanted to enjoy my last few hours.

That was before you lot showed up.

Look, Frank, the hospital has grade-A pain meds...

If you went back, you wouldn't have to be alone.

We could keep you company, you know, until...

FRANK COUGHS

No, that's not my speed.

Plus...

they don't have lovely shepherd's pie in the hospital.

Look, there's one thing you can do for me before you go.

You dug your own grave.

Who else was going to do it?

It's a bit morbid, isn't it?

Of course it's morbid, it's a fucking grave.

I bet the Council won't approve of this.

Right. Who's first up? And...and no sugar-coating.

Um...

There are over 4,000 different types of officially recognised minerals.

Some people may ask, "Errol, what's your favourite type of mineral?"

Nobody ever asks that.

The point isn't what my favourite type of mineral is -

kyanite, by the way -

it's about how each mineral has its own qualities.

And if I had to say which mineral best represents Uncle Frank,

I'd say...cinnabar.

Known for its vibrant red colour. Also known as dragon's blood.

Unfortunately, cinnabar, aka mercury sulphide,

is the most toxic mineral on earth.

And that's how I'll remember Uncle Frank,

as someone who caught the eye

but if you stayed with him too long, he'd kill you.

Hm.

HE CHUCKLES

Samantha?

I'm not saying I want Uncle Frank to go to hell,

just somewhere he'd really hate,

like an aquarium filled with hundreds of kids on a school trip

for all eternity.

I'm going to miss him,

the way you miss that feeling just after you've thrown up when you...

when you still feel sick but...

..but you're relieved the worst is over.

Mm.

You're up, shit brains.

Uncle Frank...

In a family of black sheep, you were by far the blackest.

And, coming from me, that is high praise indeed.

And I confess, I only came here to see if you could pay my rent.

But I learned something - life isn't all about rent.

It's about shooting guns and watching panel shows.

Relationships are overrated, anyway.

Who cares if you take loads of drugs?

People are just jealous you're having a better time than them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is...

you caused a trail of destruction that can never be fixed.

But at least you did it your way...

you miserable prick.

PS - stop calling me shit brains, it doesn't help my confidence.

Thank you, shit brains.

It's my turn.

Frank, you dead piece of shit.

Look at all the things you've done in your life,

like when you mugged a priest.

Or when you tried to sell dead people's teeth to the Russians.

Or that night you spent with Dirty Carla.

Ooh. she made the back of a Skoda feel like a night in the Dorchester.

But if there is anything to learn from all this,

it's don't mix coke and heroin -

it makes your chest feel like it's bursting

and caving in at the same time.

And, uh...

..I'm sorry.

For everything.

And remember - always take the piss out of life...

..before life takes the piss out of you.

HE CHUCKLES

Well, it was, er, really interesting coming to meet you, Uncle Frank,

and, um, I'll take your advice and stay firm with my ground rules.

On behalf of the family, thank you for your service in the Falklands.

What are you talking about? He was never in the Falklands.

-What about the shrapnel?

-I got that off my bookie

after he tried to blow me up in a Ford Granada.

That's still pretty cool. Maybe we can visit again.

-I'll bring my own chamomile next time.

-Sounds good.

If you're interested, I'd love to interview you for my dissertation.

What's it about?

Antisocial Personality Disorder.

Bye, Frank.

Deal's a deal.

Well, you do have your uses, shit brains.

That I do, cancer man.

Look...

I'm sorry I tried to rip you off.

Nothing I wouldn't have done, kid.

Maybe you are a chip off the old block, eh?

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

MESSAGE TONE BEEPS

A girl I've been avoiding.

You fancy her?

It's complicated.

Any pearls?

Don't try anal on the first date. They don't like it.

I'll keep that in mind.

-What's that?

-It's the map.

I want you to give it to Maggie when I kick it.

Will you do that for me?

Yeah, you have my word.

No peeking.

And don't worry - I'll leave you something valuable...

..my porn collection.

Bye, Uncle Frank.

Bye, shit b...

Andy.

Go on, fuck off. Bargain Hunt's about to start.

MESSAGE TONE BEEPS

# I don't believe in an interventionist God

# But I know, darling, that you do

# But if I did I would kneel down and ask Him

# Not to intervene when it came to you

# Not to touch a hair on your head Leave you as you are

# If He felt He had to direct you Then direct you into my arms

# Into my arms, O Lord

# Into my arms, O Lord

# Into my arms, O Lord

# Into my arms

# And I don't believe

# In the existence of angels

# But looking at you

# I wonder if that's true

# But if I did I would summon them together... #