Episode 6 Uncle

This programme contains very strong language.

# This is a story of watching a man dying

# The subject's unpopular but I don't feel like lying

-# No, no

-When I think of it now,

# I acted like a sinner

# I just washed my hands and I went for my dinner... #

OVER RADIO: 'We're talking today about new beginnings.

'Moments in your life where you feel like it's time for a change.

'So, er, I'm on with a caller. Hi. What was your second chapter?'

'So I used to work in the City...'

-You're going to have to let her go.

-But there's nothing wrong with her.

All you've got to do is replace the windscreen, she's good as new.

Mate, this car's deader than disco.

I can't in any good conscience let you drive her out of here.

I get it. You found Jamiroquai in the tape deck?

Look, I can explain. I was feeling nostalgic!

It's not Jamiroquai. Problem is, you'd be safer driving a shark tank.

Your gear box is shot, your engine bearings are worn to shit

and your steering column's rustier than an old anchor.

It'd actually be more expensive to fix it than buy a new car.

But I've had that car since uni!

We've been through everything together.

The break-ups and the hangovers and...

I had my only threesome in that back seat.

Yeah? What was it, girl-girl-boy or...boy-boy-girl?

A threesome's a threesome! Point is, I'm not going to abandon her.

Look, how old are you, mate? What, 40, 41?

-I'm 32.

-Really?

Look, don't you think you should start driving something

a little bit more...mature?

Face it, pal, you're not at uni any more.

..two...three...

-Roly?

-It's not my OCD.

-What?

-Nothing. Um, is mum here?

Not yet. Do you have a minute for a chat in the living room?

While I have a pulse, every room's a living room.

Hey, Roly.

Oh, is this about me reorganising the shoe rack?

I'm sorry I put yours on the bottom, Veronica.

It's just, heels look better on floor level.

No, it's fine.

And thank you for colour coordinating everything,

it looks much...neater.

Veronica and I just want you to know we're so proud

of how you've handled this last year.

There's been a lot of change.

I know I'm a big part of that.

And sorry I added those series links without your permission.

You've dealt with it all so admirably and shown real maturity.

I can't believe you're turning 14 in two weeks!

You're becoming a man in front of our eyes.

It's like you could cope with anything.

Look, Roly, the thing is, um...

-Veronica and I are...

-DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! That'll be mum. Er, TBC guys.

KNOCK ON DOOR

They made me kill my car.

I feel like Lassie's just been shot.

-Can I come in?

-I don't hear from you for months

and now you want to come in?

Can't we just go back to the way things were before the...

-K-I-S-S?

-It happened, Andy.

G-R-O-W U-P.

-Grow up!

-You should have said there was a space in it.

This was a mistake, I'm sorry, I'll go.

Ryan and I broke up.

Do you want me to have a word with him?

I mean, I can tell him it was all my fault.

No, I...I broke it off.

He'll make an amazing husband to somebody.

I'm just... I'm not ready.

-You having a spring clean?

-Yeah, er...

-I'm moving.

-I heard that the rent round here is crazy town.

-To America.

-Well, you can start with South Croydon.

It'd make the commute easier.

Actually, I-I saw a listing for a publishing house in New York.

Editor's assistant.

Shit pay, but, um, it's always been my dream to work in publishing.

I didn't know you liked books.

I'm an English teacher.

So, when are you leaving?

Tonight.

You know you-you inspired me to make this change, Andy.

You live on the edge of disaster and I could do with a bit of that.

Spent my life trying to be a grown-up and...

it's time to be selfish for a change.

-Yeah. Doesn't this seem a bit rash, though?

-You tell me, Andy.

Is there any reason I should give it a second thought?

I leave for Heathrow at five.

# I could never be your woman... #

RADIO DJ: 'And that was a classic track from White Town.

'We're still talking about taking a plunge and changing your life.'

Hi, caller, what's your name?

Hi, it's, um...Zach.

Hi, Zach, what can we do for you?

Well...

I never thought it would happen to me

and then one day I found myself falling madly into

a massive case of...

the bed bugs.

All of a sudden, I find out that the bed bugs are planning

on moving to America and I'm not sure I want to get rid of them.

No, you always want to get rid of bed bugs.

Bed bugs are bad.

Hello?

Holy shit!

Great space and wonderful views.

George, what's going on?

The bedroom has terrific light.

And we'll deal with the smell.

Time's up, Andy.

I'm evicting you and suing you for three grand in back rent.

Oh, no, you're not, cos check this out.

Boom!

I've just won three and a half grand for coming third in a song contest.

Ooh, it's a piece of paper with your name on it.

What good's that to me? I'm done with the delay tactics, Andy.

-Game over.

-Wait! What if I can get you the money by the end of the day?

I'm leaving for Pilates at five, that gives you three hours.

After that, I'm changing the locks.

Don't worry about the carpets, we'll get them industrially cleaned.

No more mystery stains.

They're not mystery stains.

-They're semen.

-Eurgh...

What's that about?

Oh, my landlord's kicking me out cos I haven't paid him his back rent.

-You haven't got three grand?

-Fuck off.

I'm still struggling to pay the 20 grand mortgage

I took out for my coke habit.

-Listen, Roly's in a bit of a mood.

-DOOR SLAMS

Hey! Here's my sunshine!

The pollen's making my sinusitis play up.

Great. Well, I need you both at the flat for five on the dot.

-Why me?

-I'm making dinner, remember. Don't be late.

Bye, sweetheart.

Did you know that Melodie's moving to America?

Yes, the school had a big going-away party.

Why do you care anyway? I thought you weren't speaking?

I don't care. Whatever.

I think Dad's going to marry Veronica.

What's the point? I'm already letting her live with us.

-Surely that's enough.

-That must suck for you.

Anyway, why are we eating at five?

Is your mum on one of her weird diets again?

She's planning my surprise birthday party.

She thinks she's being clever by doing it two weeks in advance,

but really it's just like watching a dog try to solve a Rubik's cube.

I mean, what's so fun about being in a room full of people

trying to give me a coronary?

I hope I die. That'll teach them.

She's just trying to do something nice for you. Grow up.

-You grow up!

-No, you grow up!

-No, you grow up!

-I will!

By cashing this cheque.

I've already lost the car today - I'm not going to lose the flat.

-UNENTHUSIASTICALLY:

-Welcome to Cash Pig.

Our deals are a squeal.

I would like to cash this cheque, s'il vous plait.

Sorry. We are out of cash.

Joking! That'd be like a whorehouse without any whores.

Little man knows what I'm saying.

-Just so you know - we take a 10% commission.

-10%?!

If you've got a problem with that, you can always go to your bank.

I'm sure they can cash this in - oh! - two to three days.

-10% fine, that's fine.

-ID, please.

OK, that's 3,150 paid by Songtest Inc to Andy King.

Songtest?

Can I see that cheque?

No! Don't show him!

That's not your money!

Ha! He's joking! One minute, please.

I can't believe you didn't tell me our song won!

-It didn't win. It came third.

-That was a collaboration.

We need to split it between Val, Gwen, Casper, Hugo, me...

They'll get their split after I'm back on my feet.

-Until then, nobody has to know.

-But I know!

It's like the first time you find out how sausage is made.

You can never forget.

If I lose my flat, then I'm going to be sleeping on your mum's sofa,

touching all your things when you're at school.

Your towels, your toothbrush, your embosser...

You wouldn't.

-Wouldn't I?

-Uh-oh.

This cheque is made out to "Andy King."

The name on this ID is Andrew. I can't cash this.

You're going to have to get them to write you another cheque.

No, no, no. I need that cash today.

Sorry. My manager won't let me.

But I know a guy...

Hi.

Er, we're here for the "Exterminator."

Hi, er, Mr...

..The Exterminator.

We would like the "Total Kill Package," please.

How much?

Er, th-three grand.

And I can pay you just as soon as I cash this cheque.

What the fuck are you doing?!

Give me the slip!

Sure. Sorry. Yes, yes, sir.

You wearing a wire?

HE SCOFFS

No, no, no.

No, I've seen Donny Brasco.

Why's he so quiet?

Because he is a dullard.

-What's your name?

-It's, er...

J-Joey.

IN UNCONVINCING NEW JERSEY ACCENT: Er, Joey Falcone.

Sounds like you've got a bit of an accent there.

Sounds like you've got a bit of an accent there.

What's an American boy doing knocking about

with a middle-aged English weirdo?

I'm 32! And he's on an exchange programme.

-The interest rate's 20%.

-20%! That's highway robbery!

The cheque cashiers only took 10!

What a shit accent!

Don't give up your day job, Dick Van Dyke.

20% will be fine. Kids, eh?

That's a nice painting. Your kids do it?

No.

My wife did.

It's...It's nice.

Don't lie. It's bloody horrible.

-I only put it up cos she nagged me.

-She's got you well by the nuts.

That's because she is unbelievable in bed,

otherwise I'd have got rid of her a very long time ago.

She got a face that could blast the paint off a barn door.

'Ere - my wife is so ugly, she could make an onion cry.

HE CACKLES

Your wife's so ugly, she don't need no Halloween costume.

LAUGHTER

My wife is so ugly, our wedding video's in the horror section!

Your-your wife's so ugly that the Elephant Man's like,

"Eww - no thanks!"

LAUGHTER DIES ABRUPTLY

What did you say?

-Elephant Man.

-HE SLAMS DRAWER

Wait there.

-IN HUSHED TONES:

-Joey Falcone?!

I was masking my identity, I panicked.

You're one to talk, you insulted his wife!

I thought we were bantering!

Well, he's going to kill us now. He's definitely going to kill you.

-Relax, I've got a plan.

-What is it?

Run!

MUSIC: Roll Away Your Stone by Mumford & Sons

Faster!

ANDY PANTS HEAVILY

Oh...

Oh!

Oh, great(!) I lose my flat in an hour and a half.

How about one of those payday loans? They give those to anyone.

Not if you've got a worse credit rating than a Greek bank.

-Excuse me!

-Sorry, we don't have any change.

I don't want change. I want sleep.

-Now move along, we're full up here.

-Hang on.

-I'm not homeless.

-You sure? That jacket screams homeless.

It's vintage!

He's going for that, um, hobo chic look.

I sat outside a Greggs yesterday for eight hours.

Does that sound chic to you?

No.

My life is not some trendy fashion statement for you to appropriate.

Now, shove off before I get my mates involved.

Steve over there did three tours of Afghanistan.

He's a walking Jacob's Ladder.

Well, go on, then! I'm not going to roll out the red carpet for you.

Carpet.

-Carpet. Thank you! Thank you!

-SQUEAKING

Bonny?

-Bonny!

-Ugh. A rat.

-WHIMPERING:

-She wasn't a rat!

She was my friend!

Hey, guys!

He...killed...Bonny!

HORN HONKS

-You guys need a lift?

-Shit, yes!

What was that all about?

We was just being chased by a bunch of deranged tramps.

That's wild. So where to, lads?

Just down the road to Carpet Brothers?

-Thanks for this.

-No probs.

It's all about people helping people.

I'm Blake, this is Archie, Winston, Raymond and Carter.

Welcome to our humble tour van.

-Are you guys in a band?

-No, no.

We're a collective.

Bands come with all this baggage of hierarchy and commercial gain.

And we are just in it for the music.

That's why we only use equipment made pre-'79.

That's what I'm talking about! You know?

You can say what you like about technological advancement,

but for me, it really doesn't get any better than Phil Spector

-and his "Wall of Sound."

-Didn't Phil Spector kill someone?

Yeah, but I mean, come on, Be My Baby?

-So, er, you guys doing a lot of touring at the moment?

-Yeah.

-We've been on the road for a year.

-Live performance is a dying art.

And it's getting to meet old timers like you

that makes it all worthwhile, you know?

-What kind of music do you play?

-Just music-music, I guess.

We don't really go in for trends or genres.

Yeah, but, um, who are your influences?

Again, we don't believe in influences, really.

But, I mean, you look like

you've got some sort of folky vibe going on?

-You must listen to Jim Croce?

-Who?

Jim Croce - Operator, Time In A Bottle?

-Have you heard of James Taylor?

-James Taylor?

-Carole King? I mean, you're fucking with me? Tapestry?

-No...

-Johnny Cash?

-Yes, yeah. The guy from the Joaquin Phoenix movie.

I like that one Adele song - Make You Feel My Love?

-That's a Dylan cover!

-Why is all this so important to you?

Because music is an evolution.

How can you move forward if you don't know where you've been?

Forget it. I don't know why I'm getting worked up about it.

-It's not like you're signed or anything.

-Oh, no, we're signed.

To Sony. We're supporting Mumford & Sons on their reunion tour.

-Oh, hipsters.

-Did you just call us hipsters?

I think he might have said "tipsters."

"If you see something, say something," right, guys?

-We're not hipsters.

-Oh, yeah.

You just happen to all be dressed

like some sort of apocalyptic gypsy gang

with facial hair from the Crimean War.

It takes more than a ukulele and a tweed jacket

-to be in a band...

-Collective.

I hate everything you stand for,

from your roly cigarettes to your prescription-less glasses

and your artisanal cheese-making and your male knitting.

You're living in some sort of weird fictional version of the past

that never existed.

But I've got news for you - you're not beautiful unique snowflakes.

You're nothing but a bunch of fucking posers!

You couldn't keep your stupid mouth shut for five minutes, could you?!

-They were pricks!

-Those pricks were trying to help!

HORN HONKS

ANDY PANTS

I let you down, I let myself down,

but most importantly, I let Carpet Brothers down.

I let the carpets down.

Since you fired me, I've really been able to work on myself.

He's friendlier, more patient, giving.

He's even promised to get me a microscope for my birthday.

Andy, I don't know how to tell you this.

Of course you can have your job back.

It's not been the same without you.

I don't want my job back.

I just need to borrow three grand off you.

Look, I can pay you back in a couple of days,

as soon as I get this cheque cashed.

Please. For my embosser.

OK, I'll lend you the money.

If you can sell them a carpet.

Hi there. Can I help you?

Er, yeah, we're looking for some carpeting for his new bedroom.

-But we're on a budget.

-Well, we have the best prices in town.

Really? This app says Magic Carpet, which is just 0.28 miles away,

has a 20% sale on all its stock.

Well, who cares about discounts? It's all about quality and selection.

Carpet Brothers' carpets are made from the finest materials,

sourced from all over the world, but exclusively manufactured in the UK.

-Who are you?

-I'm his manager.

Aren't you a little young to be a manager?

I'm 25. I have a pituitary condition.

-Oh. Sorry.

-No worries. It's a common mistake.

Can I talk to you over there for a second, Mr Manager?

What do you think you're doing? You're screwing this up for me.

-Where did you get that shirt?

-Roopesh gave it to me.

The man's a treasure.

Look, relax. I know retail. I've read Mary Portas's book twice.

You've got to be firm, but fair.

Sorry about that. Did anything catch your eye?

What do you think of this carpet, Louie? I think it's nice.

That one has the very latest in stain-resistant

and hard-wearing fibres,

and we can offer a 20% discount for today only.

-I hate it.

-Yeah, it's horrible.

No problem. I've got something I think you'll love.

Take a look at this beauty. I'm sure your dad will approve.

He's not my dad. He's my stepdad.

Carpet shopping is his idea of fun bonding time.

I know how exactly what you mean.

My dad's girlfriend's always trying to get me to Madame Tussauds.

I don't care about the real life David Beckham,

let alone his stupid wax double.

Um, I mean, I remember from when I was your age.

Yeah... And all he ever talks about is work.

I mean, who cares about food science?

Food science can be a lot of fun.

Do you know how they measure calories? By blowing food up.

-Really?

-Yeah. That's my third career choice.

Er, before I fell in love with carpets, of course.

Let's just say that you're a solitary grizzly bear.

You start having feelings for a fox.

She's smart and cute, with soft hair and quirky sense of humour.

But she's still a fox.

And she might lift you up with all of her foxy qualities.

But you're just going to drag her down

with all your bear shit, you know?

I saw a pig doing a goat on YouTube.

And he's always buying me stuff to make me like him.

Hm, exploiting their insecurities for material gain.

I hadn't thought of that.

I mean, um, you remind me a lot of myself when I was your age.

-You're a weird guy.

-Thanks.

You know, if you really want to show him,

you should buy the most expensive carpet we've got.

We haven't sold an inch of gold velour in, like, four years.

-How'd you do it?

-I guess I'm just a natural salesman.

You never change, Andy. That's what I love about you.

Right, three grand, to be paid back asap, OK?

Now, put it away quick, cos my dad's in...

-Roopesh!

-Dad.

This is the company's money.

It belongs to Carpet Brothers, not Carpet Sons.

-That sucks.

-Yeah. I didn't even get to keep the shirt.

If we hurry, maybe we can find another cheque cashing place.

-There's got to be one that doesn't care about...

-Oi!

-..IDs.

There's the guy that insulted your wife.

-Leg it!

-Get him!

MUSIC STARTS

DRUMS BUILD

# Fight for the future

# Fight for the future

# It's me versus you And there's nowhere to run

# I can see in your eyes that the moment has come

# A man's gotta do what has gotta be done

# There's a dozen of you But with me, there's just one

# Who can recall how we got to this place?

# Let's put aside our differences and cut to the chase

# Cos a kick to the nuts is like a slap in the face

# To the children of tomorrow and the human race

# Fight for the future

# It's the clash of the titans Where legends must meet

# Fight for the future

# We'll be pounding the ground to the beat of the street

# Pow, pow, pow Fuckin' holy cow

# The only thing that matters is we're dancing now

# Moving our feet as fast as time allows

# As we fight through the night to make everything right

# And use all of our might to dance all night

# Fight for the future

# Don't punch my... Don't punch my face

# Fight for the future

# Don't touch my... Don't touch my face

# Fight for the future

# No, not the... No, not the face

# Fight for the future

# Don't punch my... Don't punch my face

-# Fight for the future... #

-Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?

Uncle Andy?

My wife might be a minger, but she's my minger.

So, in future, you be a bit more tactful.

You cunt.

ANDY GROANS

You took Bonny, so I'm going to take something you care about.

It's tramps like you that give the homeless a bad name.

We might be hipsters, but you're mean.

And FYI, Hurt is my favourite Johnny Cash song, so...

That's a Nine Inch Nails cover.

Oh, 15 minutes.

I'm going to be living on the street, selling my body for cash.

No shame in that. Prostitution's one of the oldest professions.

I could make you a website. How about RandyAndy.net?

Dot net's much sluttier.

PHONE BEEPS

Or we could just go on the run.

I wouldn't have to go to this party

or watch my dad get married to Veronica.

You could live a life without burden. We could ramble and pick fruit.

We could work on our art and push each other to be better,

like Van Gogh and Gauguin,

except without all the ear-lopping and suicide.

And giving syphilis to all those Tahitian women.

I have a confession.

-I set your phone 15 minutes fast.

-Wait, what?

I thought it would help you with your lateness. It didn't work.

But...good news is, we've got some more time.

But who do we know with a spare three grand?

-Are you are having a fucking laugh?

-I told you he'd say that.

Look, Val, I know I've brought this on myself,

but if you help me get out of the hole I'm in,

I swear I'll start doing things differently.

You know, from tomorrow.

Or the day after that, definitely. I'll do whatever it takes.

I'll let you kick me in the balls, or...

-Shut the fuck up, Andy.

-I told you he'd say that, too.

All right, we'll leave.

-How much do you need?

-Seriously?

I knew a lad like you once.

Moving through life without purpose,

people treating him like a freak for the way he was born.

He didn't have anyone there for him when the chips were down.

I get it.

That freaky kid was you.

-I'm talking about my cousin Billy with cerebral palsy.

-Oh.

Anyway, they say that life is like a roller-coaster.

Now, some people, they have a grand old time.

Some people cry and scream their heads off.

Some just vomit.

And others close their eyes and try and make the whole world disappear.

I know! The ride's what you make of it.

-You've just got to enjoy the roller-coaster.

-No, twat!

I'm trying to tell you that the fair has more than one ride.

You don't have to be on the roller-coaster.

You can go on the...the teacups or the Ferris wheel

or the whack-a-mole.

So, today, Andy, I'm going to buy you a new ticket

to get on a different ride.

And you'd better fucking use it.

-I've got your money.

-With two minutes to spare.

I bet you didn't think that was going to happen.

I have to say, I'm impressed.

-I'm still evicting you, though.

-What? But he got your money.

That he owed me. I won't have to sue. We're square.

I'll be the best tenant ever. I'll even fix the hole in the wall.

-What hole in the wall?

-I mean...

-Sorry.

That couple have already put down a four-month deposit.

I'll give you the weekend to move out.

I'd throw out your mattress. The upstairs tenant reported bedbugs.

DOOR SHUTS

You're 35 minutes late. The food is totally cold.

-Ohhh, the food.

-Shit. We really were having an early dinner.

What else did you think was happening?

ALL: Surprise!

Oh, wow. Um, I had no idea.

-Well, thanks, guys.

-Only the best for our birthday boy.

Er, Dad, I believe there was something you wanted to tell me.

-Oh, it can wait till later.

-Let's do it now.

It can be a...a dual celebration.

OK.

Well, um, Veronica, do you want to...?

Er, Roly, guys, Sam...

and Bruce.

Um, Veronica and I...

are getting married.

-Yeah!

-Aw, congratulations.

APPLAUSE

WHISPERS: Microscope, microscope, microscope.

-It's a telescope.

-That is so cool.

Yeah, yeah... Actually, yeah, it is. Thanks, Dad.

You know, you can always live with us, if you want.

-I wouldn't mind.

-Thank you.

Your embosser will be safe, I promise.

You know, as far as wicked stepmothers go,

you could do a lot worse.

Yeah, I suppose.

Dad's entitled to a bit of happiness.

And when love's staring you in the face,

you'd be a fool to kick it in the teeth.

Even if it does have a subscription to Hello! magazine.

Be back in a second.

Be honest. Did you know about the party?

No. No, you got me. Total surprise.

-You know that Bruce really helped me put all this all together.

-Cool.

How would you feel about him being around a little bit more?

How much more?

Well, we were thinking of, um... of moving in together.

What, like, um...me, you, Bruce

and...and Tiffany?

Well, Tiff's joint custody like you, so...

so sometimes, yeah.

But, you know, we'll figure it out.

-Great.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Yeah? I love you. Mwah!

So, now you know my sob story.

The worst thing that could've happened, happened.

And you know what?

I don't even care.

-I'm going to start a new chapter in my life. Only...

-'Only?'

Well, it's too late. My foxy bedbug has left me.

-She went to Heathrow at five.

-Well, then there's still time.

It's six o'clock now, so unless you've got a DeLorean

or a magic police box lying around...

'If she left at five for an international flight,'

the flight doesn't leave until eight or nine.

-I've still got time?

-Yes, dummy, you still have time.

Sam! I need to borrow your car keys.

-What for?

-I need to cause a disaster.

OK, but you'd better not change my radio presets.

PHONE RINGS

Melodie, I was about to call you. Please say you haven't left yet.

'Andy, who's Melodie?'

Teresa? Ah... Um, I'm sorry. I can't talk right now.

'Don't worry. I won't keep you long.'

I just wanted you to know my husband's left me.

Oh, shit. I'm...sorry.

Well, not your fault. Finding my pregnancy test didn't help.

He had a vasectomy 20 years ago.

-Uh-huh.

-'Are you listening, Andy?'

I'm pregnant.

'So much for the menopause.

'Andy?'

# Still don't know what I was waiting for

# And my time was running wild

# A million dead-end streets and...

# Every time I thought I'd got it made

# It seemed the taste... #

Do you want to go for a drive?

Where?

Anywhere.

Sounds perfect.

# I've never caught a glimpse

# How the others must see the faker

# I'm much too fast to take that test

# Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

# Turn and face the stranger

# Ch-Ch-Changes

# Don't wanna be a richer man

# Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

# Turn and face the stranger

# Ch-Ch-Changes

# Just gonna have to be a different man

# Time may change me

# But I can't trace time

# Ooh, yeah

# Time may change me

# But I can't trace time

# I said that time may change me

# But I can't trace time. #