Dinner, I Hardly Knew Her Uncle

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

# Oh, darling, how we hate to go... #

Oh!

That last note always fucks me.

No, no, no, it's nice, it's nice. It sounds, er... It's human.

Marsh is going to love this. You all right?

Feeling a bit parched, actually.

# He says that I'm a sight to make eyes sore, darling. #

I've never drunk Prosecco out of a mug before.

I find it really brings out the earthy tones.

Mm, mm.

Has anybody ever told you that you're the perfect woman?

You're only saying that so I'll hire you for my album.

I'm serious.

You can do my album if you answer one question.

Why do your eyes look so sad?

It's just, you know, life.

Now let me be the T Bone Burnett to your Diana Krall.

I always fancied getting T Boned.

What's say you and I go out and celebrate properly, Mr Producer?

A little fairy dust to get the night swirling.

I shouldn't, I'm trying to cut down.

What are you afraid of, old man?

Old man?! Nothing.

Go on, then.

Yeah, I mean, sure, why not? I do this all the time.

MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead

# If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man

# You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me

# The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say

# I don't share your greed, the only card I need is

# The ace of spades

# The ace of spades. #

I'm alive.

HE YELLS

Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?

Is she dead? Did you kill her?

I don't approve but I'll help you hide the body.

Oh, thank Christ for that. Who is she?

Jasmine. I was helping produce a demo for her last night.

Now, what do you want? More porn?

No, I'm visiting potential schools for sixth form,

but I want them to think I'm hip. Do you have any suggestions?

-Don't say hip.

-Look at this place.

I can't believe you live like this. Have you been sleeping all day?

And what's that on your face?

Is that flour or is that caster sugar?

That's not flour or sugar, is it?

I can't believe you brought class A drugs into our house.

It was just one night! I don't have a drugs problem.

I don't.

I realise this is a lot to take in.

Do you have any more questions?

Well, if you think of anything, call me.

PHONE BEEPS

I hope you'll consider us, Errol.

We only take exceptional candidates and your mock GCSE results were...

Oh, um, about my results, can we keep that between us?

You might find this hard to believe but I've been bullied quite a lot.

We're not like other schools.

Students who show academic excellence

are top of the pecking order here, the cool kids.

HE LAUGHS

Oh you're...you're not joking.

KNOCKING Ah, Emma.

Errol, Emma's one of our star pupils and quite the harpist.

She's volunteered to show you around today.

Niels Bohr's atomic model. Love the retro design,

even if his particle configuration was wildly inaccurate.

Down there's the physics lab, we've just got an electron microscope.

Oh, wow, really? Mm...

Pfft, whatever.

You're right, it's not top of the line.

Enquiry - are you named after Errol Flynn,

the rakish screen actor or Errol Morris the documentarian?

His film about Robert McNamara really made me

rethink the military industrial complex.

I'm actually named after my mother's childhood cat,

which is ironic because I'm actually allergic to cats...

Disclosure - I'm not that good a harpist,

I only came in third at the nationals.

Do you play any instruments?

Yeah, piano, guitar, keyboard, a bit of drums.

I also play in an indie band. We were up for a label.

Cool. We're not even allowed to use dry ice at school productions -

gives too many students asthma.

Asthma?

Losers.

Look, Errol, what I lack in social nuance

I make up for in blunt honesty.

You fascinate me.

-Cool.

-If you're amenable, I think you should invite me

over later to continue my research on human behaviour.

Who knows where it might lead? Some place warm and inviting.

That reminds me, let me show you our heated, Olympic-size swimming pool.

This way.

Crazy, right? I'm on cloud 11.

Goddamn, this is strong weed.

Here, say hi.

Um, hi.

Sexy voice, right? I'll call you later, slut!

-Who was that?

-My mum.

Mm, last night was one for the ages.

I'll never question your partying skills again.

I'm a bit fuzzy - what happened, er, exactly?

Well, after you sang the Adele catalogue to the whole pub,

you got down on one knee and popped the Q.

But you didn't have a rock,

so that's how my toe ring ended up on your finger, fiance.

Aren't you going to say something?

That is strong weed.

Got formaldehyde in it.

What's say we spend the rest of the afternoon snuggling

and planning weds with a little help from these guys?

Des champignons de magique, as Serge Gainsbourg would say.

That sounds amazing.

Um, but you wait right here and I will be back.

There you are. Did you get my text? Why didn't you answer?

-Do you know what's been going on?

-Andy, we need to talk.

You're not kidding. I produced a track

for a beautiful train wreck last night,

then we went out, got absolutely blitzed,

yadi yadi yada, I'm engaged, what do I do?

Andy, I love you, but I can't deal with

your typical shit storm right now.

Typical?! In what way is this typical?

-Hey, guys.

-What are those bags for?

Dinner with mum and Luca, remember? Tiff's meeting them at the station.

I'm making my famous chilli con carne.

-What's up, Andy?

-I got accidentally engaged.

Good one. I was day dreaming the other day

on the Piccadilly Line, ended up in Cockfosters.

-Speaking of cocks....

-How was your school visit, Roly?

I've made a new friend, she's coming over later.

I think she likes me, I don't know what to do.

Oh, we haven't got time for your imaginary girlfriends

right now Roly. I've got accidentally engaged.

Oh, typical.

Bruce, can I speak to you for a minute?

Don't worry, I'm making a non-spicy chilli for the kids,

but frankly, I think they're old enough to eat the hard stuff.

It's not that.

Oh, I keep telling my mum our marriage status

is none of her beeswax, but she's old school, you know?

Fire and brimstone.

No, I went to the doctor's this morning, and don't freak out...

Oh, my God, you're pregnant.

I knew it would happen once I stopped taking the hot baths!

It's like, it's like I was melting all my little Bruces.

You are amazing.

And don't panic, I'm going to take loads of paternity leave.

-Are you excited?

-Yeah.

-Yay!

I can't keep up with her. Maybe if I eat right, hit the gym,

I can make this work for 20 years at least.

-54's not a bad age to die, right?

-Have you not learnt anything?

This is what happens when you do hard drugs.

Just tell her that you made a mistake, maybe she'd be relieved.

Relieved? I'm a catch!

You're a mid-thirties man baby living in his sister's basement.

How dare you? It's not a basement, it's a garden flat.

And I'm not a man baby, I'm a...

a man-dolescent.

All right, fine. But please, if you really love this family,

just promise me you won't do any more hard drugs.

OK, fine, I promise. Now, what's the deal with your girl?

Oh, nothing, she's just coming round.

But it's no biggie, I can hang with a girl without panicking.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, God, she's here!

Emma?

Oh. Hi, Diane, hi, Luca, hi, Tiff.

Errol, what have I told you? Please call me Grandma Didi.

We're family! Even though Bruce and your mother refuse to

make it official, we can still pretend.

Ignore her. One of her tips came through on Crime Watch,

she's still drunk on the power.

Who did you think was at the door, anyway?

Local MP.

Hey, it's Grandma Didi!

It's Diane. Bruce tells me you're still not going to church.

Not technically, but I've hailed a few Marys. What's up, Luca?

About to finish my final year at St Martin's.

MFA, here we come.

Do you know what MFA stands for? Mother's Fears Actualised.

He'll never make enough money to move out and find a wife

unless he gets a real job.

Bruce never took his doodles seriously, look where he is.

Divorced and living in sin.

Well, at least he's got a girlfriend to live in sin with.

You're a handsome boy, Luca, you just need to put yourself out there.

You've set the bar too high, Mum - no girl can ever compete with you.

Come here, handsome!

Hi.

Hello, Samantha. I see no ring on that finger.

Mum, you said you would behave.

I'm just saying, poor Tiffany's dying to be a bridesmaid.

What?

Hey, Luca, how's the talented and lovely brother I never had?

Ha-ha.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

Emma?

Look who I found.

Hey, Jasmine!

I thought you'd done a runaway bride.

Mm...

Andy, are you going to introduce me to the fam?

Well, that's my sister, Sam, boyfriend, Bruce,

boyfriend's mother, boyfriend's brother,

boyfriend's ex-stepdaughter, and, yeah,

I think that's everyone worth mentioning.

I'm Errol, his nephew.

Hi. I'm Jasmine and I'm Andy's fiancee.

Would you prefer if I called you Jasmine or Auntie Jas?

You can call me whatever you like.

It's nice to see young people committing to each other.

I think it's sweet you live in your sister's basement.

It's a garden flat.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, I'm Emma, Errol's friend.

-Wrong house.

-Ah!

I've got this one, Tiff, thank you very much.

I need to be home in time for Newsnight.

Shall we go straight to your room?

Guys, Emma, Emma, guys.

Look, Jas, I've got something I need to say.

I think we should break it off.

-What?

-We were both wasted last night.

I don't really know you, you don't really know me -

it was the drugs talking.

Yes, and they were telling us that we were meant to be.

Have you seen True Romance?

We're like that, only Christopher Walken's not chasing us.

Proposing to you will go down as one of my greatest achievements,

including taking a piss next to Eric Clapton at Coco and, yes,

it was like a guitar neck.

-You mean it?

-It was practically dragging on the floor.

No, I mean the part about our engagement.

-You're not still high?

-No way.

Shame! Let's fix up with some klonopin I got off my manager.

First communion.

PHONE BUZZES

You going to answer that?

It's probably just a telemarketer.

Whose phone is this?

That's my dead Uncle Frank's prossy phone,

he had an adult baby fetish.

I don't know why I keep hold of it, really.

So, how's Claire?

Mum, how would you feel if I kept asking you about Dad?

That's different, you know how I feel about the Nigerian devil.

You do realise Luca and I are half Nigerian, right?

You don't count, you're only Nigerian when you misbehave.

Seriously now, so when are you getting married?

Mum!

Sam and I are having a baby.

Are you happy for us?

Of course I'm happy!

My first biological grandchild.

Now, you have nine months to make it right.

This is nice. I wish I had a sister,

then we could've done slumber parties.

all Bruce ever wanted to do was play Warhammer.

Anyway, sorry, what did you want to tell me?

OK, I have some big news.

So do I. I've met someone, graffiti artist, Sasha,

looks like a South Asian Drake

but he's hung like a South Asian Fassbender.

What do you think my mum would say if she found out I was gay?

-Sorry, what's your news?

-OK, um...

You're right, fuck it, I'm finally going to tell her.

If she disowns me I can just come and live with you guys.

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

What's not a good idea?

Sports bras, it's like trying to stuff two melons into a coin purse.

I think I actually agree with you on that one.

Luca, can you give us a minute, please?

Diane, I know you're going to ask

when Bruce and I are getting married...

It's all right, no rush.

I just want you to take the right steps spiritually...

..for all of you.

This is opal, an oldie but a goodie.

Oh, I've just collected this beaut. This is lapis lazuli.

What about cummingtonite?

Huh?

The mineral, cummingtonite, named after Cummington

in Massachusetts where it was first discovered in 1824.

Oh, I knew that. No, I haven't got that one.

Errol, I've Googled your birth date and determined I'm only

five months older, which is an acceptable spread,

-I'd hope you'd agree?

-Um, yeah.

I don't want to presume to know your orientation,

so may I ask where you fall on the Kinsey Scale?

Zero being entirely heterosexual and six being entirely homosexual.

Maybe a one, but if I really interrogate myself maybe a two.

Interesting.

But it jumps to a three whenever men's gymnastics is on.

Is it me or is it a bit stuffy in here?

I may be failing to pick up social cues,

you'll let me know if I'm being too forward.

Oh, it's not that.

And I'm presuming, based on the fact that

you're in a band, you're not a virgin.

-HE CHUCKLES

-No.

Great, my foreplay could use work.

I'll leave the opening move in your capable hands.

I should brush my teeth first.

What were you doing in Tiff's room?

Impromptu love nest with Auntie Jiz Jas.

-Oh...

-Well, what have you been doing?

Boring girls to death with fun facts about Jeremy Corbyn?

Manhole spotting is not boring.

Yeah, I've got a manhole you can spot.

That came out wrong.

I think Emma has the wrong idea about my sexual experience.

How? You've clearly not touched a vagina since one spat you out.

Well, have you broken off your sham marriage yet?

Not exactly. We've sort of reaffirmed our vows, actually.

I'm really feeling this one.

You're an idiot.

You don't want to get married, you're just afraid of dying alone.

Are you high right now?

Just pretending to be high to impress Jas.

Oh, that's cool.

Thanks.

Oh, my God, you ARE high.

Technically I'm low because I'm on downers.

I haven't got a drugs problem.

Good, me neither.

Oh, you can't go in there,

it's currently occupied with the future Mrs Andy King.

-But you're still in love with Melodie.

-I'm-I'm not.

You clearly are, everybody knows she's the love of your life.

-She's a friend.

-Yeah, a friend you want a mortgage with.

Joke's on you because, my credit rating's too low to qualify.

And don't be angry with me just because

you're jealous of Errol's new piece.

Out of my room, please.

Well, that was surprising.

I know, I've never heard Tiff say please.

Hey, sweetie.

Did you tell your mum I was pregnant?

Me? No.

Yes, I did, but only because I'm so psyched.

You can't make big announcements without me,

we're supposed to be a team.

So why don't we make this team official?

Sam, would you do me the honour...?

Are you seriously proposing to me over a pot of chilli?

No.

Good, because I think when you hear what I have to say you'll...

Bruce, can I get your help with something, please?

Actually, now's not a good time.

Do you know what? It's a great time, it's fine.

You're good with gadgets - how would you go about fixing

a phone that may have fallen into a fish bowl?

Buy a new phone.

That chilli smells amazing.

The secret - 80% dark chocolate.

(I'll take it to my grave.

(Andy, can I have a word?)

I'll go check my mum's not going through our cupboards.

(Are you ready to take things to the next level?)

Butt plugs?

No, I knew that's what you meant. Oh, listen I don't think...

Andy?

What are you doing?

Ke-keeping an eye on the chilli.

Can I have a word?

You can do this, you can do this.

-You can do what?

-Oh, um...

There's a spider in my room.

Do you want me to kill it?

No, I'm building up the courage to do it myself.

What are you doing?

I'm also building up the courage.

Are you going to tell Diane to shove it?

-Because I don't want to miss that.

-No.

I'm building up the courage to say...

..I'm so proud of you.

Even if I don't kill the spider?

Especially then.

There you are. Are you ready to resume foreplay?

Um...

Did you know that Jeremy Corbyn claimed the least expenses

for any MP from 2009 to 2010?

Did you know that he, er,

he's a member of the All Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese?

And did you know that he has an allotment and he, er,

he makes jam with the... the fruit that he grows on it?

I did know.

Oh, hi, what are you doing here?

It's my room. What are you doing?

Oh, I was... I was looking for somewhere to hide.

-Did Diane upset you?

-Oh, no, no, it's not Diane.

I have...

I have, erm, Can't Touch This stuck in my head.

Well, maybe listening to Radio 1 will help.

You're a good girl, Tiff.

You'd better not tell anyone I'm nice.

What's up?

OK I've been thinking and I need you to tell my mum I'm gay.

Ah! Why me?

Think about it, it's perfect -

you live in your sister's basement...

-Garden flat.

-..and you're high most of the time.

No, I'm not, not at all.

I'm not judging, Andy. I'm like you, we're both artists,

artists stick together.

It's just, you don't seem to care what people think of you

and I admire that.

-Thank you.

-And if Mum reacts badly,

you can just tell her you made it up and she'll believe you.

Are you seriously telling me that she doesn't already know?

What's that supposed to mean?

Because, you know...

-BRUCE:

-Food's ready!

Can you unfasten my bra? I always have trouble with this one.

Er, sure, of course. I've unfastened so many bras in my time,

I can't remember all of the times, um...

So many they call me BRAd Pitt.

Sometimes BRAdley Cooper and, er,

BRAnold Schwarzenegger, BRAdolf Hitler.

Ow. Do you have any condoms?

Do I? I burn through rubber faster than a Formula One car.

-BRUCE:

-Errol! Food!

Oh, um, maybe we should fuel up for the big race.

Not that it's, er, it's a race, is it?

Um, slow and steady, right?

We have grated cheese, sour cream and coriander, children.

Now, this may not be familiar to you because it's green.

This food looks out of this world.

No!

What, is there something wrong?

Er, er... No, I just think that maybe we should all say grace.

If you're trying to get in my good books, Andy, it's working.

Dear God, thank you for the great company

and this food.

I'd say it smells too good to eat.

Maybe we should just take Instagram pics and leave it at that.

-Or we could chow down.

-Amen.

Er, Roly, haven't you got something to say?

Oh, well, I have been reading a very good book called

The Omnivore's Dilemma.

Luca, have you got an announcement to make?

I'm good.

In Mexico, coriander is referred to as cilantro.

This is yum. We should do Tex Mex for the wedding.

No-one wants another rack of lamb, right, Andy?

Lamb sounds good.

So, Andy, who's going to be your best man?

Considering he doesn't have any adult friends it'll probably be me.

I'd love to write a best man's speech,

something debauched yet heart-warming.

And I've got an idea for the stag do.

Three words - papier-mache workshop.

Andy, aren't you hungry?

Sam, you've not touched any of yours.

Oh, yeah, I'm just feeling a bit nauseous.

I had terrible nausea when I was pregnant with Luca.

Bruce, what kind of mushrooms did you use in this? They're delicious.

-I didn't use any mushrooms.

-Mum, are you pregnant?

-Luca's gay!

-What? No, I'm not.

Andy, it's gauche to out people.

Gay's not pejorative, my mum's a gay.

I'm joking, it's not true.

Of course it's true, it's obvious.

What do you mean, obvious?

You were much too interested in Justin Timberlake as a boy.

It's all right, you get it from the Nigerian side.

If you knew, why were you always talking about me

meeting a nice girl?

Because I thought it would push you to admit you were gay.

-I'm a virgin.

-I don't want to get married.

Just shut up, all of you!

Calm down, Samantha, mood swings are normal in your condition.

I'm not pregnant.

I have cancer.

-DOOR SLAMS

-Fuck!

Anyone else have a bomb they'd like to drop?

There may be psychotropic mushrooms in the chilli.

Sam, wait!

Look Andy, you're exciting, but...

it's all just a bit too messy for me.

The right person's out there,

you've just got to get your life together.

Sure, cool.

Keep the ring. Good vibes to your sis.

I should go, my social cup is full.

-Sorry I didn't tell you that...

-There's no shame in being a virgin.

Why do you think vampire novels

and fairy tales in the Bible are always on about them?

No rush. I look forward to seeing you again.

-Where do you think your mum went?

-KNOCKING

Sammy, you are a sight for sore eyes.

I'm such an idiot. I think she's been trying to tell me for hours.

We've got a situation.

GIGGLING

Oh, Mum, you have to feel this rug.

It's like a unicorn's fur!

30% discount from Carpet Brothers.

I love it.

I love you. I love you, my beautiful gay son.

I love you more than Jesus.

I love you more than Beyonce.

Shh. Luca, blasphemy.

Maybe they got all the mushrooms.

The big C, eh?

-I know a great oncologist if you need one.

-Thanks.

It was just a matter of time, I'm such a "and then she died" type.

Don't be so morbid. Look, I'm proud of you,

coming over here was the right thing to do.

Coaster, drawer.

I was actually starting to enjoy my life.

I was feeling really optimistic about the next 30 years.

Well, you're not dead yet.

You let Dr Feel Good take the pain away.

I don't want to OD.

It's cut with benzo, balanced like a bank scale.

I'll pace you, trust me.

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Roly, what's up?

Oh, hi, Dad, did...?

Hey, Ben, it's Andy. Sam ran away.

Andy, ask Ben if he hates me.

Help us, please. Do you hate Bruce?

No, and why can't you do it yourself?

We're on mushrooms.

But Roly's all right.

Jesus Christ, why did she run away this time?

She's got cancer.

Shit.

Fuck, why did I ever stop?

That's my Sammy.

HE INHALES

BANGING ON DOOR

Look, just chill, OK? It's cool.

And the gang's all back together.

Gents, shoes.

We're not staying.

Sam, you're coming with us.

Yeah. WHOA, wait, are we in Japan?

Are you two high?

No, they're on psychedelics, So technically they're tripping.

Wait, hang on, how did you find me here?

Did Roly put a tracking app on my phone?

You always joked if you were dying you'd go on a massive drugs binge.

Drugs? You mean drugs to fight cancer, right? Mum?

Can somebody please take my son out of here?

We're trying to save you. This is an intervention.

God, you are so co-dependent!

Do you think I'm the one that needs saving?

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

We love you, Sam. PHONE BUZZES

Don't give up like that horse in The Never Ending Story.

Look, it's not broken!

Ah!

-I diffused the bomb.

-Ah!

Can we just keep it down a bit? This is a nice building.

Oh sorry, Eclipse, are we too embarrassing for your neighbours?

Eclipse?

What, so he's THE Eclipse,

the dealer who introduced Mum and Dad?

Introduced them?

The way I remember it, your dad stole her from me.

His real name's Cyril, we were flatmates at uni.

How do you even know that story? Oh, course, Andy.

Has this wall always been here?

-Come on, Sam.

-Back off, mate.

Don't you "mate" me, you gave a sick woman drugs.

I'm a doctor, she's safer using with me than anyone else.

Well, if you're such a great doctor, why are there gnomes in your drapes?

No, they hide when you look.

Can you all just get out of here now? Go!

If you don't come with us, Mum, I'm going to take all this.

No.

How's that for co-dependence?

Sam, you're my hero, and if you don't take care of yourself

then who's going to clean up my mess?

Everything's so intense for me right now.

I lost a baby and there's a girl that I love and I'm living in

your basement like a troll. And I think that you're the only person

that really gets how ugly I am inside.

And you're my sister and sisters stick together.

Everybody gets cancer, even Patrick Swayze,

and he fought it and he's fine now.

No, Swayze's dead.

PLATE CLATTERS

Not Swayze!

Oh, God.

Andy, oh, my God.

I feel like I'm living Interstellar and Inception simultaneously.

-That'll be the benzo.

-Should I call an ambulance?

No, he's probably just having a panic attack.

Jesus, Andy, only you could upstage cancer.

He just needs water and plenty of rest.

Now, will you all please leave with your shoes?

Oh, fuck you, Cyril.

Oh, fuck me? How about you owe me 300

for the eight ball your brother just snorted?

Whatever, Eclipse, you have my Withnail And I DVD from, like,

seven years ago, I think we're even now.

I'm sorry I took all the drugs, Roly.

I did it to save you.

You could've just thrown them on the floor.

Oh.

I think I've got a problem.

Don't worry, Andy, I'm here. Sisters stick together.

Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict.

-ALL:

-Hi, Sam.

I got some bad news recently, life-changing, and I...

I didn't handle it well. I, um...

I forgot how to ask for help and I fell off the wagon.

The good news is that my family intervened,

and I know that not everyone's that lucky.

I'm feeling...

I'm feeling a lot more optimistic today,

and I know that I can get through this.

Thanks.

Hi. Um, I'm Andy.

Hi, Andy.

And...

..I'm an addict.

# Strangers on this road we are on

# We are not two, we are one

# So you've been where I've just come

# We are not two, we are one. #