Dinner, I Hardly Knew Her Uncle


Dinner, I Hardly Knew Her

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

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# Oh, darling, how we hate to go... #

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Oh!

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That last note always fucks me.

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No, no, no, it's nice, it's nice. It sounds, er... It's human.

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Marsh is going to love this. You all right?

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Feeling a bit parched, actually.

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# He says that I'm a sight to make eyes sore, darling. #

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I've never drunk Prosecco out of a mug before.

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I find it really brings out the earthy tones.

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Mm, mm.

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Has anybody ever told you that you're the perfect woman?

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You're only saying that so I'll hire you for my album.

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I'm serious.

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You can do my album if you answer one question.

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Why do your eyes look so sad?

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It's just, you know, life.

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Now let me be the T Bone Burnett to your Diana Krall.

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I always fancied getting T Boned.

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What's say you and I go out and celebrate properly, Mr Producer?

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A little fairy dust to get the night swirling.

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I shouldn't, I'm trying to cut down.

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What are you afraid of, old man?

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Old man?! Nothing.

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Go on, then.

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Yeah, I mean, sure, why not? I do this all the time.

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MUSIC: Ace Of Spades by Motorhead

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# If you like to gamble, I tell you I'm your man

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# You win some, lose some, it's all the same to me

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# The pleasure is to play, makes no difference what you say

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# I don't share your greed, the only card I need is

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# The ace of spades

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# The ace of spades. #

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I'm alive.

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HE YELLS

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Uncle Andy? Uncle Andy?

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Is she dead? Did you kill her?

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I don't approve but I'll help you hide the body.

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Oh, thank Christ for that. Who is she?

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Jasmine. I was helping produce a demo for her last night.

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Now, what do you want? More porn?

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No, I'm visiting potential schools for sixth form,

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but I want them to think I'm hip. Do you have any suggestions?

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-Don't say hip.

-Look at this place.

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I can't believe you live like this. Have you been sleeping all day?

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And what's that on your face?

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Is that flour or is that caster sugar?

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That's not flour or sugar, is it?

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I can't believe you brought class A drugs into our house.

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It was just one night! I don't have a drugs problem.

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I don't.

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I realise this is a lot to take in.

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Do you have any more questions?

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Well, if you think of anything, call me.

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PHONE BEEPS

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I hope you'll consider us, Errol.

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We only take exceptional candidates and your mock GCSE results were...

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Oh, um, about my results, can we keep that between us?

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You might find this hard to believe but I've been bullied quite a lot.

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We're not like other schools.

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Students who show academic excellence

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are top of the pecking order here, the cool kids.

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HE LAUGHS

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Oh you're...you're not joking.

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KNOCKING Ah, Emma.

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Errol, Emma's one of our star pupils and quite the harpist.

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She's volunteered to show you around today.

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Niels Bohr's atomic model. Love the retro design,

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even if his particle configuration was wildly inaccurate.

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Down there's the physics lab, we've just got an electron microscope.

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Oh, wow, really? Mm...

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Pfft, whatever.

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You're right, it's not top of the line.

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Enquiry - are you named after Errol Flynn,

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the rakish screen actor or Errol Morris the documentarian?

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His film about Robert McNamara really made me

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rethink the military industrial complex.

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I'm actually named after my mother's childhood cat,

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which is ironic because I'm actually allergic to cats...

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Disclosure - I'm not that good a harpist,

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I only came in third at the nationals.

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Do you play any instruments?

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Yeah, piano, guitar, keyboard, a bit of drums.

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I also play in an indie band. We were up for a label.

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Cool. We're not even allowed to use dry ice at school productions -

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gives too many students asthma.

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Asthma?

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Losers.

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Look, Errol, what I lack in social nuance

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I make up for in blunt honesty.

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You fascinate me.

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-Cool.

-If you're amenable, I think you should invite me

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over later to continue my research on human behaviour.

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Who knows where it might lead? Some place warm and inviting.

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That reminds me, let me show you our heated, Olympic-size swimming pool.

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This way.

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Crazy, right? I'm on cloud 11.

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Goddamn, this is strong weed.

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Here, say hi.

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Um, hi.

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Sexy voice, right? I'll call you later, slut!

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-Who was that?

-My mum.

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Mm, last night was one for the ages.

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I'll never question your partying skills again.

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I'm a bit fuzzy - what happened, er, exactly?

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Well, after you sang the Adele catalogue to the whole pub,

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you got down on one knee and popped the Q.

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But you didn't have a rock,

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so that's how my toe ring ended up on your finger, fiance.

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Aren't you going to say something?

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That is strong weed.

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Got formaldehyde in it.

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What's say we spend the rest of the afternoon snuggling

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and planning weds with a little help from these guys?

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Des champignons de magique, as Serge Gainsbourg would say.

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That sounds amazing.

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Um, but you wait right here and I will be back.

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There you are. Did you get my text? Why didn't you answer?

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-Do you know what's been going on?

-Andy, we need to talk.

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You're not kidding. I produced a track

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for a beautiful train wreck last night,

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then we went out, got absolutely blitzed,

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yadi yadi yada, I'm engaged, what do I do?

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Andy, I love you, but I can't deal with

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your typical shit storm right now.

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Typical?! In what way is this typical?

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-Hey, guys.

-What are those bags for?

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Dinner with mum and Luca, remember? Tiff's meeting them at the station.

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I'm making my famous chilli con carne.

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-What's up, Andy?

-I got accidentally engaged.

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Good one. I was day dreaming the other day

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on the Piccadilly Line, ended up in Cockfosters.

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-Speaking of cocks....

-How was your school visit, Roly?

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I've made a new friend, she's coming over later.

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I think she likes me, I don't know what to do.

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Oh, we haven't got time for your imaginary girlfriends

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right now Roly. I've got accidentally engaged.

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Oh, typical.

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Bruce, can I speak to you for a minute?

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Don't worry, I'm making a non-spicy chilli for the kids,

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but frankly, I think they're old enough to eat the hard stuff.

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It's not that.

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Oh, I keep telling my mum our marriage status

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is none of her beeswax, but she's old school, you know?

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Fire and brimstone.

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No, I went to the doctor's this morning, and don't freak out...

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Oh, my God, you're pregnant.

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I knew it would happen once I stopped taking the hot baths!

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It's like, it's like I was melting all my little Bruces.

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You are amazing.

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And don't panic, I'm going to take loads of paternity leave.

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-Are you excited?

-Yeah.

-Yay!

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I can't keep up with her. Maybe if I eat right, hit the gym,

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I can make this work for 20 years at least.

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-54's not a bad age to die, right?

-Have you not learnt anything?

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This is what happens when you do hard drugs.

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Just tell her that you made a mistake, maybe she'd be relieved.

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Relieved? I'm a catch!

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You're a mid-thirties man baby living in his sister's basement.

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How dare you? It's not a basement, it's a garden flat.

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And I'm not a man baby, I'm a...

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a man-dolescent.

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All right, fine. But please, if you really love this family,

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just promise me you won't do any more hard drugs.

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OK, fine, I promise. Now, what's the deal with your girl?

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Oh, nothing, she's just coming round.

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But it's no biggie, I can hang with a girl without panicking.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, God, she's here!

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Emma?

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Oh. Hi, Diane, hi, Luca, hi, Tiff.

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Errol, what have I told you? Please call me Grandma Didi.

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We're family! Even though Bruce and your mother refuse to

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make it official, we can still pretend.

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Ignore her. One of her tips came through on Crime Watch,

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she's still drunk on the power.

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Who did you think was at the door, anyway?

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Local MP.

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Hey, it's Grandma Didi!

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It's Diane. Bruce tells me you're still not going to church.

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Not technically, but I've hailed a few Marys. What's up, Luca?

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About to finish my final year at St Martin's.

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MFA, here we come.

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Do you know what MFA stands for? Mother's Fears Actualised.

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He'll never make enough money to move out and find a wife

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unless he gets a real job.

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Bruce never took his doodles seriously, look where he is.

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Divorced and living in sin.

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Well, at least he's got a girlfriend to live in sin with.

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You're a handsome boy, Luca, you just need to put yourself out there.

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You've set the bar too high, Mum - no girl can ever compete with you.

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Come here, handsome!

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Hi.

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Hello, Samantha. I see no ring on that finger.

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Mum, you said you would behave.

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I'm just saying, poor Tiffany's dying to be a bridesmaid.

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What?

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Hey, Luca, how's the talented and lovely brother I never had?

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Ha-ha.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll get it!

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Emma?

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Look who I found.

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Hey, Jasmine!

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I thought you'd done a runaway bride.

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Mm...

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Andy, are you going to introduce me to the fam?

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Well, that's my sister, Sam, boyfriend, Bruce,

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boyfriend's mother, boyfriend's brother,

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boyfriend's ex-stepdaughter, and, yeah,

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I think that's everyone worth mentioning.

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I'm Errol, his nephew.

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Hi. I'm Jasmine and I'm Andy's fiancee.

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Would you prefer if I called you Jasmine or Auntie Jas?

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You can call me whatever you like.

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It's nice to see young people committing to each other.

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I think it's sweet you live in your sister's basement.

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It's a garden flat.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hi, I'm Emma, Errol's friend.

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-Wrong house.

-Ah!

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I've got this one, Tiff, thank you very much.

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I need to be home in time for Newsnight.

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Shall we go straight to your room?

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Guys, Emma, Emma, guys.

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Look, Jas, I've got something I need to say.

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I think we should break it off.

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-What?

-We were both wasted last night.

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I don't really know you, you don't really know me -

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it was the drugs talking.

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Yes, and they were telling us that we were meant to be.

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Have you seen True Romance?

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We're like that, only Christopher Walken's not chasing us.

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Proposing to you will go down as one of my greatest achievements,

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including taking a piss next to Eric Clapton at Coco and, yes,

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it was like a guitar neck.

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-You mean it?

-It was practically dragging on the floor.

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No, I mean the part about our engagement.

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-You're not still high?

-No way.

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Shame! Let's fix up with some klonopin I got off my manager.

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First communion.

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PHONE BUZZES

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You going to answer that?

0:11:100:11:12

It's probably just a telemarketer.

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Whose phone is this?

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That's my dead Uncle Frank's prossy phone,

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he had an adult baby fetish.

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I don't know why I keep hold of it, really.

0:11:230:11:25

So, how's Claire?

0:11:250:11:27

Mum, how would you feel if I kept asking you about Dad?

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That's different, you know how I feel about the Nigerian devil.

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You do realise Luca and I are half Nigerian, right?

0:11:330:11:35

You don't count, you're only Nigerian when you misbehave.

0:11:350:11:38

Seriously now, so when are you getting married?

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Mum!

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Sam and I are having a baby.

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Are you happy for us?

0:11:480:11:49

Of course I'm happy!

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My first biological grandchild.

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Now, you have nine months to make it right.

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This is nice. I wish I had a sister,

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then we could've done slumber parties.

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all Bruce ever wanted to do was play Warhammer.

0:12:030:12:05

Anyway, sorry, what did you want to tell me?

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OK, I have some big news.

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So do I. I've met someone, graffiti artist, Sasha,

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looks like a South Asian Drake

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but he's hung like a South Asian Fassbender.

0:12:140:12:17

What do you think my mum would say if she found out I was gay?

0:12:170:12:19

-Sorry, what's your news?

-OK, um...

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You're right, fuck it, I'm finally going to tell her.

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If she disowns me I can just come and live with you guys.

0:12:230:12:25

I'm not sure that's a good idea.

0:12:250:12:27

What's not a good idea?

0:12:270:12:29

Sports bras, it's like trying to stuff two melons into a coin purse.

0:12:290:12:33

I think I actually agree with you on that one.

0:12:330:12:36

Luca, can you give us a minute, please?

0:12:360:12:37

Diane, I know you're going to ask

0:12:410:12:42

when Bruce and I are getting married...

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It's all right, no rush.

0:12:440:12:46

I just want you to take the right steps spiritually...

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..for all of you.

0:12:500:12:51

This is opal, an oldie but a goodie.

0:12:530:12:56

Oh, I've just collected this beaut. This is lapis lazuli.

0:12:560:12:59

What about cummingtonite?

0:12:590:13:01

Huh?

0:13:010:13:02

The mineral, cummingtonite, named after Cummington

0:13:020:13:04

in Massachusetts where it was first discovered in 1824.

0:13:040:13:07

Oh, I knew that. No, I haven't got that one.

0:13:070:13:09

Errol, I've Googled your birth date and determined I'm only

0:13:120:13:15

five months older, which is an acceptable spread,

0:13:150:13:18

-I'd hope you'd agree?

-Um, yeah.

0:13:180:13:21

I don't want to presume to know your orientation,

0:13:210:13:23

so may I ask where you fall on the Kinsey Scale?

0:13:230:13:26

Zero being entirely heterosexual and six being entirely homosexual.

0:13:260:13:32

Maybe a one, but if I really interrogate myself maybe a two.

0:13:320:13:35

Interesting.

0:13:350:13:36

But it jumps to a three whenever men's gymnastics is on.

0:13:360:13:39

Is it me or is it a bit stuffy in here?

0:13:390:13:41

I may be failing to pick up social cues,

0:13:410:13:43

you'll let me know if I'm being too forward.

0:13:430:13:45

Oh, it's not that.

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And I'm presuming, based on the fact that

0:13:460:13:48

you're in a band, you're not a virgin.

0:13:480:13:51

-HE CHUCKLES

-No.

0:13:510:13:52

Great, my foreplay could use work.

0:13:520:13:54

I'll leave the opening move in your capable hands.

0:13:540:13:57

I should brush my teeth first.

0:14:000:14:02

What were you doing in Tiff's room?

0:14:040:14:06

Impromptu love nest with Auntie Jiz Jas.

0:14:060:14:08

-Oh...

-Well, what have you been doing?

0:14:080:14:10

Boring girls to death with fun facts about Jeremy Corbyn?

0:14:100:14:12

Manhole spotting is not boring.

0:14:120:14:14

Yeah, I've got a manhole you can spot.

0:14:140:14:16

That came out wrong.

0:14:170:14:19

I think Emma has the wrong idea about my sexual experience.

0:14:190:14:22

How? You've clearly not touched a vagina since one spat you out.

0:14:220:14:25

Well, have you broken off your sham marriage yet?

0:14:250:14:27

Not exactly. We've sort of reaffirmed our vows, actually.

0:14:270:14:31

I'm really feeling this one.

0:14:310:14:32

You're an idiot.

0:14:320:14:33

You don't want to get married, you're just afraid of dying alone.

0:14:330:14:36

Are you high right now?

0:14:380:14:39

Just pretending to be high to impress Jas.

0:14:390:14:41

Oh, that's cool.

0:14:410:14:43

Thanks.

0:14:430:14:44

Oh, my God, you ARE high.

0:14:440:14:46

Technically I'm low because I'm on downers.

0:14:460:14:48

I haven't got a drugs problem.

0:14:480:14:50

Good, me neither.

0:14:500:14:52

Oh, you can't go in there,

0:14:520:14:53

it's currently occupied with the future Mrs Andy King.

0:14:530:14:55

-But you're still in love with Melodie.

-I'm-I'm not.

0:14:550:14:58

You clearly are, everybody knows she's the love of your life.

0:14:580:15:01

-She's a friend.

-Yeah, a friend you want a mortgage with.

0:15:010:15:03

Joke's on you because, my credit rating's too low to qualify.

0:15:030:15:05

And don't be angry with me just because

0:15:050:15:07

you're jealous of Errol's new piece.

0:15:070:15:10

Out of my room, please.

0:15:100:15:12

Well, that was surprising.

0:15:160:15:17

I know, I've never heard Tiff say please.

0:15:170:15:20

Hey, sweetie.

0:15:200:15:21

Did you tell your mum I was pregnant?

0:15:210:15:23

Me? No.

0:15:230:15:25

Yes, I did, but only because I'm so psyched.

0:15:270:15:29

You can't make big announcements without me,

0:15:290:15:31

we're supposed to be a team.

0:15:310:15:33

So why don't we make this team official?

0:15:330:15:35

Sam, would you do me the honour...?

0:15:350:15:37

Are you seriously proposing to me over a pot of chilli?

0:15:370:15:40

No.

0:15:400:15:41

Good, because I think when you hear what I have to say you'll...

0:15:410:15:44

Bruce, can I get your help with something, please?

0:15:440:15:47

Actually, now's not a good time.

0:15:470:15:48

Do you know what? It's a great time, it's fine.

0:15:480:15:51

You're good with gadgets - how would you go about fixing

0:15:510:15:54

a phone that may have fallen into a fish bowl?

0:15:540:15:58

Buy a new phone.

0:15:580:16:00

That chilli smells amazing.

0:16:000:16:03

The secret - 80% dark chocolate.

0:16:030:16:06

(I'll take it to my grave.

0:16:060:16:08

(Andy, can I have a word?)

0:16:080:16:10

I'll go check my mum's not going through our cupboards.

0:16:100:16:13

(Are you ready to take things to the next level?)

0:16:130:16:17

Butt plugs?

0:16:180:16:20

No, I knew that's what you meant. Oh, listen I don't think...

0:16:200:16:23

Andy?

0:16:230:16:24

What are you doing?

0:16:250:16:26

Ke-keeping an eye on the chilli.

0:16:270:16:29

Can I have a word?

0:16:290:16:31

You can do this, you can do this.

0:16:310:16:33

-You can do what?

-Oh, um...

0:16:330:16:36

There's a spider in my room.

0:16:360:16:38

Do you want me to kill it?

0:16:380:16:39

No, I'm building up the courage to do it myself.

0:16:390:16:41

What are you doing?

0:16:410:16:42

I'm also building up the courage.

0:16:420:16:44

Are you going to tell Diane to shove it?

0:16:440:16:46

-Because I don't want to miss that.

-No.

0:16:460:16:49

I'm building up the courage to say...

0:16:490:16:51

..I'm so proud of you.

0:16:530:16:55

Even if I don't kill the spider?

0:16:550:16:57

Especially then.

0:16:570:16:58

There you are. Are you ready to resume foreplay?

0:17:040:17:07

Um...

0:17:070:17:09

Did you know that Jeremy Corbyn claimed the least expenses

0:17:090:17:12

for any MP from 2009 to 2010?

0:17:120:17:15

Did you know that he, er,

0:17:170:17:19

he's a member of the All Party Parliamentary Group for Cheese?

0:17:190:17:23

And did you know that he has an allotment and he, er,

0:17:230:17:26

he makes jam with the... the fruit that he grows on it?

0:17:260:17:30

I did know.

0:17:320:17:33

Oh, hi, what are you doing here?

0:17:370:17:39

It's my room. What are you doing?

0:17:390:17:42

Oh, I was... I was looking for somewhere to hide.

0:17:420:17:44

-Did Diane upset you?

-Oh, no, no, it's not Diane.

0:17:440:17:48

I have...

0:17:480:17:50

I have, erm, Can't Touch This stuck in my head.

0:17:500:17:54

Well, maybe listening to Radio 1 will help.

0:17:540:17:56

You're a good girl, Tiff.

0:18:000:18:01

You'd better not tell anyone I'm nice.

0:18:020:18:04

What's up?

0:18:060:18:07

OK I've been thinking and I need you to tell my mum I'm gay.

0:18:070:18:10

Ah! Why me?

0:18:100:18:12

Think about it, it's perfect -

0:18:120:18:13

you live in your sister's basement...

0:18:130:18:14

-Garden flat.

-..and you're high most of the time.

0:18:140:18:16

No, I'm not, not at all.

0:18:160:18:18

I'm not judging, Andy. I'm like you, we're both artists,

0:18:180:18:21

artists stick together.

0:18:210:18:22

It's just, you don't seem to care what people think of you

0:18:220:18:25

and I admire that.

0:18:250:18:26

-Thank you.

-And if Mum reacts badly,

0:18:260:18:29

you can just tell her you made it up and she'll believe you.

0:18:290:18:32

Are you seriously telling me that she doesn't already know?

0:18:320:18:34

What's that supposed to mean?

0:18:340:18:36

Because, you know...

0:18:360:18:37

-BRUCE:

-Food's ready!

0:18:390:18:41

Can you unfasten my bra? I always have trouble with this one.

0:18:410:18:44

Er, sure, of course. I've unfastened so many bras in my time,

0:18:440:18:48

I can't remember all of the times, um...

0:18:480:18:51

So many they call me BRAd Pitt.

0:18:510:18:54

Sometimes BRAdley Cooper and, er,

0:18:540:18:58

BRAnold Schwarzenegger, BRAdolf Hitler.

0:18:580:19:00

Ow. Do you have any condoms?

0:19:000:19:01

Do I? I burn through rubber faster than a Formula One car.

0:19:010:19:04

-BRUCE:

-Errol! Food!

0:19:040:19:06

Oh, um, maybe we should fuel up for the big race.

0:19:060:19:09

Not that it's, er, it's a race, is it?

0:19:090:19:12

Um, slow and steady, right?

0:19:120:19:13

We have grated cheese, sour cream and coriander, children.

0:19:160:19:21

Now, this may not be familiar to you because it's green.

0:19:210:19:24

This food looks out of this world.

0:19:240:19:27

No!

0:19:330:19:35

What, is there something wrong?

0:19:350:19:36

Er, er... No, I just think that maybe we should all say grace.

0:19:360:19:41

If you're trying to get in my good books, Andy, it's working.

0:19:410:19:45

Dear God, thank you for the great company

0:19:460:19:51

and this food.

0:19:510:19:52

I'd say it smells too good to eat.

0:19:520:19:55

Maybe we should just take Instagram pics and leave it at that.

0:19:550:19:59

-Or we could chow down.

-Amen.

0:19:590:20:02

Er, Roly, haven't you got something to say?

0:20:020:20:04

Oh, well, I have been reading a very good book called

0:20:040:20:06

The Omnivore's Dilemma.

0:20:060:20:07

Luca, have you got an announcement to make?

0:20:070:20:09

I'm good.

0:20:090:20:11

In Mexico, coriander is referred to as cilantro.

0:20:110:20:16

This is yum. We should do Tex Mex for the wedding.

0:20:160:20:18

No-one wants another rack of lamb, right, Andy?

0:20:180:20:21

Lamb sounds good.

0:20:210:20:22

So, Andy, who's going to be your best man?

0:20:220:20:24

Considering he doesn't have any adult friends it'll probably be me.

0:20:240:20:27

I'd love to write a best man's speech,

0:20:270:20:28

something debauched yet heart-warming.

0:20:280:20:30

And I've got an idea for the stag do.

0:20:300:20:32

Three words - papier-mache workshop.

0:20:320:20:36

Andy, aren't you hungry?

0:20:360:20:38

Sam, you've not touched any of yours.

0:20:460:20:48

Oh, yeah, I'm just feeling a bit nauseous.

0:20:480:20:50

I had terrible nausea when I was pregnant with Luca.

0:20:500:20:53

Bruce, what kind of mushrooms did you use in this? They're delicious.

0:20:530:20:56

-I didn't use any mushrooms.

-Mum, are you pregnant?

0:20:560:20:58

-Luca's gay!

-What? No, I'm not.

0:20:580:21:00

Andy, it's gauche to out people.

0:21:000:21:02

Gay's not pejorative, my mum's a gay.

0:21:020:21:04

I'm joking, it's not true.

0:21:040:21:05

Of course it's true, it's obvious.

0:21:050:21:07

What do you mean, obvious?

0:21:070:21:08

You were much too interested in Justin Timberlake as a boy.

0:21:080:21:11

It's all right, you get it from the Nigerian side.

0:21:110:21:14

If you knew, why were you always talking about me

0:21:140:21:16

meeting a nice girl?

0:21:160:21:18

Because I thought it would push you to admit you were gay.

0:21:180:21:20

-I'm a virgin.

-I don't want to get married.

0:21:200:21:22

Just shut up, all of you!

0:21:220:21:23

Calm down, Samantha, mood swings are normal in your condition.

0:21:240:21:28

I'm not pregnant.

0:21:280:21:29

I have cancer.

0:21:310:21:33

-DOOR SLAMS

-Fuck!

0:21:390:21:42

Anyone else have a bomb they'd like to drop?

0:21:420:21:44

There may be psychotropic mushrooms in the chilli.

0:21:480:21:51

Sam, wait!

0:21:530:21:54

Look Andy, you're exciting, but...

0:22:020:22:05

it's all just a bit too messy for me.

0:22:050:22:08

The right person's out there,

0:22:080:22:09

you've just got to get your life together.

0:22:090:22:12

Sure, cool.

0:22:130:22:14

Keep the ring. Good vibes to your sis.

0:22:150:22:18

I should go, my social cup is full.

0:22:240:22:28

-Sorry I didn't tell you that...

-There's no shame in being a virgin.

0:22:280:22:30

Why do you think vampire novels

0:22:300:22:32

and fairy tales in the Bible are always on about them?

0:22:320:22:34

No rush. I look forward to seeing you again.

0:22:340:22:37

-Where do you think your mum went?

-KNOCKING

0:22:420:22:45

Sammy, you are a sight for sore eyes.

0:22:480:22:51

I'm such an idiot. I think she's been trying to tell me for hours.

0:22:510:22:55

We've got a situation.

0:22:550:22:56

GIGGLING

0:22:570:23:00

Oh, Mum, you have to feel this rug.

0:23:000:23:05

It's like a unicorn's fur!

0:23:050:23:06

30% discount from Carpet Brothers.

0:23:060:23:09

I love it.

0:23:090:23:10

I love you. I love you, my beautiful gay son.

0:23:100:23:14

I love you more than Jesus.

0:23:140:23:16

I love you more than Beyonce.

0:23:160:23:19

Shh. Luca, blasphemy.

0:23:190:23:23

Maybe they got all the mushrooms.

0:23:230:23:25

The big C, eh?

0:23:290:23:30

-I know a great oncologist if you need one.

-Thanks.

0:23:300:23:33

It was just a matter of time, I'm such a "and then she died" type.

0:23:330:23:37

Don't be so morbid. Look, I'm proud of you,

0:23:370:23:39

coming over here was the right thing to do.

0:23:390:23:41

Coaster, drawer.

0:23:410:23:42

I was actually starting to enjoy my life.

0:23:480:23:50

I was feeling really optimistic about the next 30 years.

0:23:500:23:53

Well, you're not dead yet.

0:23:530:23:55

You let Dr Feel Good take the pain away.

0:24:000:24:02

I don't want to OD.

0:24:020:24:04

It's cut with benzo, balanced like a bank scale.

0:24:040:24:07

I'll pace you, trust me.

0:24:070:24:10

PHONE RINGS

0:24:100:24:12

Hey, Roly, what's up?

0:24:120:24:13

Oh, hi, Dad, did...?

0:24:130:24:15

Hey, Ben, it's Andy. Sam ran away.

0:24:150:24:19

Andy, ask Ben if he hates me.

0:24:190:24:21

Help us, please. Do you hate Bruce?

0:24:210:24:24

No, and why can't you do it yourself?

0:24:240:24:26

We're on mushrooms.

0:24:260:24:28

But Roly's all right.

0:24:280:24:30

Jesus Christ, why did she run away this time?

0:24:300:24:33

She's got cancer.

0:24:330:24:34

Shit.

0:24:380:24:39

Fuck, why did I ever stop?

0:24:410:24:44

That's my Sammy.

0:24:440:24:46

HE INHALES

0:24:460:24:47

BANGING ON DOOR

0:24:480:24:50

Look, just chill, OK? It's cool.

0:24:500:24:52

And the gang's all back together.

0:25:030:25:05

Gents, shoes.

0:25:050:25:07

We're not staying.

0:25:070:25:08

Sam, you're coming with us.

0:25:080:25:10

Yeah. WHOA, wait, are we in Japan?

0:25:100:25:12

Are you two high?

0:25:120:25:13

No, they're on psychedelics, So technically they're tripping.

0:25:130:25:16

Wait, hang on, how did you find me here?

0:25:160:25:18

Did Roly put a tracking app on my phone?

0:25:180:25:19

You always joked if you were dying you'd go on a massive drugs binge.

0:25:190:25:23

Drugs? You mean drugs to fight cancer, right? Mum?

0:25:230:25:26

Can somebody please take my son out of here?

0:25:260:25:28

We're trying to save you. This is an intervention.

0:25:280:25:31

God, you are so co-dependent!

0:25:310:25:32

Do you think I'm the one that needs saving?

0:25:320:25:34

Have you looked in the mirror lately?

0:25:340:25:35

We love you, Sam. PHONE BUZZES

0:25:350:25:37

Don't give up like that horse in The Never Ending Story.

0:25:370:25:40

Look, it's not broken!

0:25:400:25:41

Ah!

0:25:410:25:43

-I diffused the bomb.

-Ah!

0:25:450:25:47

Can we just keep it down a bit? This is a nice building.

0:25:470:25:49

Oh sorry, Eclipse, are we too embarrassing for your neighbours?

0:25:490:25:53

Eclipse?

0:25:530:25:54

What, so he's THE Eclipse,

0:25:540:25:56

the dealer who introduced Mum and Dad?

0:25:560:25:58

Introduced them?

0:25:580:25:59

The way I remember it, your dad stole her from me.

0:25:590:26:02

His real name's Cyril, we were flatmates at uni.

0:26:020:26:05

How do you even know that story? Oh, course, Andy.

0:26:050:26:09

Has this wall always been here?

0:26:090:26:11

-Come on, Sam.

-Back off, mate.

0:26:110:26:13

Don't you "mate" me, you gave a sick woman drugs.

0:26:130:26:16

I'm a doctor, she's safer using with me than anyone else.

0:26:160:26:19

Well, if you're such a great doctor, why are there gnomes in your drapes?

0:26:190:26:24

No, they hide when you look.

0:26:240:26:26

Can you all just get out of here now? Go!

0:26:260:26:29

If you don't come with us, Mum, I'm going to take all this.

0:26:300:26:33

No.

0:26:330:26:34

How's that for co-dependence?

0:26:460:26:47

Sam, you're my hero, and if you don't take care of yourself

0:26:470:26:51

then who's going to clean up my mess?

0:26:510:26:53

Everything's so intense for me right now.

0:26:530:26:55

I lost a baby and there's a girl that I love and I'm living in

0:26:550:26:58

your basement like a troll. And I think that you're the only person

0:26:580:27:02

that really gets how ugly I am inside.

0:27:020:27:05

And you're my sister and sisters stick together.

0:27:050:27:08

Everybody gets cancer, even Patrick Swayze,

0:27:080:27:11

and he fought it and he's fine now.

0:27:110:27:13

No, Swayze's dead.

0:27:130:27:16

PLATE CLATTERS

0:27:160:27:17

Not Swayze!

0:27:170:27:19

Oh, God.

0:27:190:27:21

Andy, oh, my God.

0:27:210:27:22

I feel like I'm living Interstellar and Inception simultaneously.

0:27:220:27:26

-That'll be the benzo.

-Should I call an ambulance?

0:27:260:27:28

No, he's probably just having a panic attack.

0:27:280:27:30

Jesus, Andy, only you could upstage cancer.

0:27:300:27:32

He just needs water and plenty of rest.

0:27:320:27:34

Now, will you all please leave with your shoes?

0:27:340:27:37

Oh, fuck you, Cyril.

0:27:370:27:38

Oh, fuck me? How about you owe me 300

0:27:380:27:40

for the eight ball your brother just snorted?

0:27:400:27:42

Whatever, Eclipse, you have my Withnail And I DVD from, like,

0:27:420:27:46

seven years ago, I think we're even now.

0:27:460:27:48

I'm sorry I took all the drugs, Roly.

0:27:480:27:50

I did it to save you.

0:27:520:27:53

You could've just thrown them on the floor.

0:27:530:27:56

Oh.

0:27:560:27:57

I think I've got a problem.

0:27:590:28:01

Don't worry, Andy, I'm here. Sisters stick together.

0:28:010:28:04

Hi, I'm Sam and I'm an addict.

0:28:090:28:12

-ALL:

-Hi, Sam.

0:28:120:28:13

I got some bad news recently, life-changing, and I...

0:28:130:28:17

I didn't handle it well. I, um...

0:28:170:28:20

I forgot how to ask for help and I fell off the wagon.

0:28:200:28:23

The good news is that my family intervened,

0:28:230:28:26

and I know that not everyone's that lucky.

0:28:260:28:29

I'm feeling...

0:28:310:28:33

I'm feeling a lot more optimistic today,

0:28:330:28:36

and I know that I can get through this.

0:28:360:28:39

Thanks.

0:28:400:28:41

Hi. Um, I'm Andy.

0:28:500:28:53

Hi, Andy.

0:28:530:28:55

And...

0:28:550:28:56

..I'm an addict.

0:28:590:29:00

# Strangers on this road we are on

0:29:030:29:06

# We are not two, we are one

0:29:080:29:10

# So you've been where I've just come

0:29:170:29:21

# We are not two, we are one. #

0:29:220:29:25

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