2:27 Uncle


2:27

Sitcom about a schoolboy and his immature uncle. Andy struggles to shut off his feelings. Errol struggles to let his in. Sam's life hangs in the balance.


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Transcript


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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

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MUSIC: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

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# When routine bites hard

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# And ambitions are low

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# And resentment rides high

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# But emotions won't grow

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# And we're changing our ways

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# Taking different roads

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# Then love

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# Love will tear us apart again... #

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BEEPING

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As smooth operations go, this one's up there.

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-Have you just given her anything?

-Just put the local in.

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She's dumped her pressure and her sats are dropping.

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RAPID BEEPING

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OK, give me adrenaline, hydrocortisone, 200 milligrams.

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-Shall I carry on or stop?

-Stop!

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Stop!

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This is officially the best day ever.

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Comfy hospital gown - check. Trashy hospital mag - check.

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If this bed had a vibrate button, I could die happy.

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-You're not convincing anyone.

-Fine.

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I'm starving. Seriously, who can go 12 hours without eating anything?

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Andy! Can you stop moving about?

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He's probably thinking about all the primo drugs that are in this building right now.

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I wasn't! Until you mentioned it.

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And, actually, I was worried about my sister. Thank you.

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You don't need to worry. It's just a lumpectomy. I'm going to be fine.

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And I get that you're detoxing, but can you stand still? Cos you're making me nauseous.

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Nauseated. Nauseous means you're making other people nauseated.

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Whatever. You know what I mean. And why are you being so snippy?

0:01:360:01:38

Judging by his jumper, he's gone full Robert Smith.

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Or maybe he has a girlfriend.

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Sam, be rational.

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-Come on, sweetie, what's up?

-They should make hospital gowns red.

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That way, they can at least blend in with all the blood.

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I regret letting you watch American Psycho.

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PHONE VIBRATES

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-Who is it?

-It's Mum. She's asking if you've had your roots done,

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and I quote, "The surgeon won't care about you unless you care about yourself."

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Aww! Mum of the Year!

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Hospital parking is the worst. 50 quid for a day?

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I could buy a black-market kidney for that. So! What's shaking?

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I am reading which celebs are in a messy break-up this month,

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Andy's detoxing and Roly's sulking.

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-He's not sulking.

-Speaking of sulky teens, Tiff sends her love.

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-Aww!

-Oh, and Claire.

-Eurgh!

-Mwah!

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-You look so beautiful.

-What did I tell you?

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I'm not being sentimental.

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I'm an emotional rock.

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-WHISPERS:

-I'm wearing paper knickers.

-Oh!

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Mum, is this really the time?

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Any day that I'm legally allowed to pump myself full of drugs

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-is a win.

-So lucky.

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What? Oh, yeah, cancer's terrible. Yeah.

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Hi, Samantha. So, the surgeon has five procedures today

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and you are second on the list,

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so you shouldn't have too long to wait. Do you have any questions?

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What is the Wi-Fi password?

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Fine, I'll just try "hospital1234".

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MONITOR BEEPS

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Oh, how do people do this?

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-Sit still?

-Manage stress without drugs.

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It's not like you were doing drugs all the time. What's different now?

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Now, I am officially an addict, and as soon as you tell me

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I can't have something, I want it even more.

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I went mental when they discontinued curry Twiglets.

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-So how did you manage stress before?

-There was no before.

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I had my first spliff when I was 11.

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Don't look at me like that. I looked old for my age.

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-And I didn't have a stable home life.

-And I do?

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Fair enough.

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I know, I know. I've got to find...

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a better way to filter my feelings, but I'm not a fucking fish tank, am I?

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Well, you've only been clean about a week.

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Why don't you just try thinking about something else? Like Melodie.

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The one that got away? Yeah, that'll help(!)

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-How long's she been in there?

-40 minutes.

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-Definitely feels longer.

-That's what she said.

-Don't steal my act.

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How are you so calm?

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I'm a man of science. Feelings have no place in a hospital.

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PHONE VIBRATES

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What is it?

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"Stay arm, we're shit, kiss-kiss".

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Whatever.

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Right... Here's something fun that'll keep us busy.

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Uncle Frank taught me this. If you stare directly at it, then the coin is yours.

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And when you've got it, you've got to get me to stare at it.

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Then I get it back.

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The trick is to hold it underneath the waist

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and whoever's got the coin at the end of the day is the loser.

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When you said this game was going to be fun,

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did you really mean it was going to be pointless and stupid?

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Ahhh, shit! I've got cramp in my foot.

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Who's stupid now, stupid?

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What happens to the loser?

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A friend of mine had to go out in public dressed as a condom.

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-Why would anyone do that?

-Because he has a reputation

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for being a wild and crazy guy, and that's its own burden.

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Are you going to tell me what my mum said before she went to surgery?

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Are you going to tell me what happened to your wrist?

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Oh.

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That was, er...

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That was just a reading accident.

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Sprained it while...

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turning a page too fast.

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Ah.

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Oh, shit, how did I get blood on my jeans?

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Oh, you...

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I think I'm going to enjoy this game.

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-Oi, Errol. Do you like my shoes?

-Not falling for it.

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The floor's got a funny pattern on it, hasn't it?

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MONITOR BEEPS

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I thought being in a wheelchair would be embarrassing, but I could get used to this.

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Andy, stop chewing your feelings.

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So, what are you guys going to do while I'm gone?

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Oh, you know, we're going to poke corpses and take some selfies

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with corpses. I'm kidding!

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We're not going to take any selfies.

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All right, don't miss me too much.

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Bruce.

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I'm... I'm not crying.

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I'm the rock.

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I crush feelings for fun.

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Andy, come here. There's something I need to tell you. Come on.

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SHE WHISPERS

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-To the Batmobile, Robin.

-Mum...

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Break a leg.

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MUSIC: She's Lost Control By Joy Division

0:06:200:06:24

-Turn that down!

-HE TURNS MUSIC DOWN

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-What did you do that for?

-So I can hear myself think.

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And what are you doing listening to New Order?

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-Joy Division.

-They're the same band,

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and they're for pretentious art school burn-outs.

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-It's your record.

-What on earth are you wearing?

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-Clothes. What does it look like?

-Like Halloween's come early.

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-Where are you going?

-Out.

-Oh, no, you're not.

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Veronica will be here any minute. We're going to order takeaway.

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-I'm not hungry.

-I'm not negotiating. You have to be up early.

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-Your clothes make you look dumpy.

-Excuse me?

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You always wear your Fred Perry shirts like

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you're still a young mod, but you're not.

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You're just a sad middle-aged man trying to hang on to his glory days.

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Pathetic.

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-Enjoy your night out.

-Don't wait up.

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MONITOR BEEPS

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There you are! She's still in theatre.

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What are you doing?

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What does it look like I'm doing? I'm turning my lungs to jerky.

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Give me a puff.

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-No way.

-Is that because cigarettes are a drug?

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I see what you're doing.

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If cigarettes are a drug and I've given up drugs, then I should give up cigarettes.

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Well, you're wrong.

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They're not drugs.

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If they're not drugs, then give me a puff.

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Fine. They're drugs. But if you take these away from me,

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then I'll have nothing, and then I'll go full Kanye.

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Don't ruin the only thing I've got left to live for.

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This isn't about you. This is about what I want.

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And surely my silence is worth a puff.

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-You're allergic.

-I've got my inhaler.

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-Your mum would kill me.

-What she doesn't know won't kill her.

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Fine, I'll give you a puff.

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But first, you've got to guess what my shoe size is.

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You have got a lot to learn, young padawan.

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MUSIC BLARES

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ID.

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I have a pituitary condition.

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MONITOR BEEPS

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INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT

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Um...

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Lovely weather we're having.

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I wouldn't know. I haven't been outside in a month.

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-Oh.

-Go on, just ask me.

-Ask what?

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-What I'm here for.

-What are you here for?

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Anal bleaching.

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And leukaemia. I got a two-for-one deal.

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HE CHUCKLES

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-I shouldn't be laughing, that was quite dark.

-I know.

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That's why I'm getting it bleached.

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-What are you in for?

-My mum's having a lump removed.

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-That sucks.

-I know.

-No, it sucks for me.

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I was hoping you were a new inpatient.

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-Cancer ward's got pretty slim pickings.

-Hm! Thanks.

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-For what?

-For not saying everything's going to be OK.

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Trust me, if there's one thing leukaemia teaches you,

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it's that everything is not going to be OK.

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And anyone that says that is full of crap.

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Do you know how annoying people are when you're dying?

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It's like I can't be sad because they won't let themselves be sad.

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And they're always going on about positive visualisation

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and what an inspiration I am to everyone.

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Hurgh.

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I don't even think I mind dying that much.

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Any more.

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But I'll tell you what really grinds my gears.

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I'm not going to be around for the next Star Wars

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or the last Game Of Thrones book.

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God, I'd give anything for someone to stop pitying me and tell it like it is.

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Your hat clashes with your robe.

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Come on, you can do better than that.

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I bet you've never read any Kierkegaard,

0:10:120:10:14

and if you did, you wouldn't understand it.

0:10:140:10:16

Are you kidding me?

0:10:160:10:18

I bet the most interesting thing about you

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is that you're dying.

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-SHE LAUGHS

-Nicely done.

0:10:240:10:27

All right? Let's hit the road, young lady.

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Nice talking to you.

0:10:290:10:31

See you in the next life.

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Here's hoping you make it to the next Star Wars.

0:10:320:10:34

Don't hold your breath for Game Of Thrones.

0:10:340:10:36

Yeah, screw you, too.

0:10:360:10:38

Where've you been?

0:10:420:10:43

Let's just say I never thought I'd have a wank in a hospital.

0:10:430:10:46

MONITOR BEEPS

0:10:460:10:48

Look, she's going to be all right.

0:10:480:10:50

All right? We just need to... think positive.

0:10:500:10:53

Yeah? That's what your mum would want. How about a joke?

0:10:530:10:55

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-Jesus.

-Jesus who?

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Come on! You've heard of me.

0:10:590:11:02

Jesus, I wish I was high.

0:11:020:11:04

-Maybe I'll join a gym.

-You don't need a gym. You need a hug.

0:11:040:11:08

Come here.

0:11:080:11:10

Come here.

0:11:100:11:12

Cool. Well...

0:11:180:11:19

I'll just set this over here for whenever you want it.

0:11:190:11:23

I know. We should get Sam a snack from the vending machine, all right?

0:11:230:11:25

-She's going to be starving when she wakes up.

-Maltesers are her favourite.

0:11:250:11:28

-Pretty sure it's Dairy Milk.

-Guys, I'm pretty sure it's Wotsits.

-Since when?

0:11:280:11:32

Since she used to eat them every time she had the munchies,

0:11:320:11:34

and since I've known her longer than both of you.

0:11:340:11:36

I was connected to her with an umbilical cord.

0:11:360:11:38

Well, I've had se...

0:11:380:11:40

sex with her, so...

0:11:400:11:43

-What's her favourite colour?

-Purple.

-Green.

0:11:430:11:45

-It's sea foam.

-What's sea foam?

0:11:450:11:47

-It's pastel mint.

-What, you mean green?!

0:11:470:11:50

-Roly, what happened to your wrist?

-Nothing.

0:11:500:11:52

MONITOR BEEPS

0:12:040:12:07

-TEXT ALERT

-Ooh. Mm...

0:12:070:12:09

Sam just went into surgery.

0:12:090:12:12

I'm sure she'll be fine. Andy said it was routine.

0:12:120:12:15

-Maybe I should call back anyway.

-They've got enough going on.

0:12:150:12:18

I should write something back, though, right?

0:12:180:12:20

-Definitely.

-Ohh, I hate texting.

0:12:200:12:23

It's such a shallow way to communicate.

0:12:230:12:25

Right, how about, "We're all praying for her"?

0:12:250:12:29

-Nah, bit grim.

-Mm.

-How about,

0:12:290:12:31

"Even with a dodgy tit, I still would"?

0:12:310:12:34

Yeah, so would I.

0:12:340:12:36

But her brother's reading the text.

0:12:360:12:39

-Do you know what? I'm going to leave it.

-No, no, no.

0:12:390:12:41

You have to say something, even if it's just...

0:12:410:12:44

"Kiss-kiss."

0:12:440:12:45

I wouldn't kiss-kiss Andy if his lips were made of tits.

0:12:450:12:48

-Mike...

-Yes, boss?

0:12:480:12:50

Family friend's in hospital having surgery on a tumour.

0:12:500:12:53

What should I text her brother?

0:12:530:12:55

Internet hugs?!

0:12:550:12:57

Internet hugs? Euch!

0:12:570:12:59

No wonder I pay you for your body and not your mouth.

0:12:590:13:02

You could do emojis, like a frowny face and a bicep curl.

0:13:020:13:07

That means, "I'm worried, stay strong."

0:13:070:13:09

Is there an emoji for, "I couldn't think of something to say,

0:13:090:13:11

"so I'm sending you a bullshit emoji"?

0:13:110:13:13

-Thinking face, poo face.

-Here, just let me do it.

-No, no...

0:13:130:13:16

-Dad, let me do it. I've got an idea.

-No, no...

-Dad, give it to me!

-Oh, shit.

0:13:160:13:20

What?

0:13:200:13:22

It sent.

0:13:220:13:24

MONITOR BEEPS

0:13:240:13:26

Do you think you'll ever have kids?

0:13:290:13:32

Dunno.

0:13:320:13:34

Society's broken.

0:13:340:13:36

We can't even get the electoral system right.

0:13:360:13:39

What about you? Do you think you'll ever do it?

0:13:390:13:41

Vote? No.

0:13:410:13:43

I mean, I'm still on the fence between Coke and Pepsi.

0:13:430:13:45

No, I mean have a baby.

0:13:450:13:48

Especially after the whole Teresa thing.

0:13:480:13:50

Uh...

0:13:500:13:52

I think I've got enough people disappointed in me

0:13:520:13:54

without creating new ones.

0:13:540:13:56

What if it was with Melodie?

0:13:560:13:58

I've got it.

0:14:020:14:03

How about...

0:14:040:14:06

the loser of the coin game gets to take a vow of silence for a week?

0:14:060:14:10

Sorry, excuse me.

0:14:150:14:17

I'm Dr Marcum. Are you Samantha King's family?

0:14:170:14:20

-Yeah.

-Everything went fine with the procedure.

0:14:200:14:22

She tolerated the general really well.

0:14:220:14:24

But when they were finishing up, she had an allergic reaction

0:14:240:14:27

to the local anaesthetic they used to close the incision

0:14:270:14:30

and she went into anaphylactic shock.

0:14:300:14:33

Hi, Sally.

0:14:330:14:35

I'll keep you posted.

0:14:350:14:37

She looks so peaceful.

0:14:480:14:50

Well, I'm not. It's cramped as hell in this thing.

0:14:500:14:54

Don't you think this looks a bit bling for Uncle Frank?

0:14:540:14:56

That cardboard box over there's only 100 quid.

0:14:560:14:58

I'm sure all the green options are probably more his speed, anyway.

0:14:580:15:01

-He'd probably hate this one.

-That's what he gets for dying without a will while

0:15:010:15:04

illegitimate kids pop out of woodwork and I'm left paying for his stupid body to sit in a freezer

0:15:040:15:08

for ages because no-one will fork out for the burial costs.

0:15:080:15:10

No. This way, I get the last laugh.

0:15:100:15:13

I'll remember that when you die.

0:15:130:15:14

Who says I'm dying before you? I am way healthier.

0:15:140:15:17

You're going to die first, cos that's how dramatic irony works,

0:15:170:15:19

and then Roly can live with me full-time.

0:15:190:15:21

-I still have a dad, remember?

-What if they both die, like, together,

0:15:210:15:24

in a helicopter crash or something?

0:15:240:15:26

What are my two divorced parents doing in a helicopter ride together?

0:15:260:15:29

They're coming to my private concert on a remote tropical island.

0:15:290:15:31

You arrived earlier by seaplane.

0:15:310:15:33

Well, I'll tell them not to go, then.

0:15:330:15:35

You're not killing my mum with your stupid tropical concert.

0:15:350:15:37

I'll kill her however I want to kill her.

0:15:370:15:39

Boys! Relax. I'm not going to go to Andy's made-up concert

0:15:390:15:42

and I'm not going to get in any helicopters.

0:15:420:15:43

You're not getting rid of me for a long time.

0:15:430:15:45

Hi, can I help you?

0:15:450:15:47

Oh, how much is this coffin?

0:15:470:15:49

£750.

0:15:490:15:51

We'll take the cardboard box.

0:15:510:15:53

MONITOR BEEPS

0:15:530:15:55

Look, I'm sorry, I don't have an update for you.

0:15:550:15:57

-This is unacceptable. She's my wife.

-Ex-wife.

0:15:570:16:01

I know this is difficult for you, I understand that... Hey, Kim.

0:16:010:16:04

Listen, mate, I'm feeling really tender today,

0:16:040:16:07

so apologies if this comes across as rude,

0:16:070:16:09

but I want you to go and find out what is going on with my sister

0:16:090:16:12

right now or I am going to lose it, please!

0:16:120:16:16

OK, I'll...I'll see what I can do.

0:16:160:16:20

I need a coffee.

0:16:200:16:22

I'd better make sure he gets a decaf.

0:16:220:16:25

No, of course, I wouldn't normally call like this,

0:16:250:16:28

you know, especially the night before you have...

0:16:280:16:30

Um... You know...

0:16:300:16:32

HE SIGHS

0:16:330:16:34

Er, we...we had a row.

0:16:340:16:36

Row? About what?

0:16:360:16:38

I don't even know. I think he's just...

0:16:380:16:41

pushing back.

0:16:410:16:42

I wish he could worship me again like he did when he was little.

0:16:430:16:48

Do you think my shirts are too tight?

0:16:480:16:49

No... Well... Well, maybe just the Fred Perry ones.

0:16:490:16:52

-I only wear Fred Perry ones.

-Well, thanks for the call.

-No, wait, Sam...

0:16:520:16:56

-There's something else.

-Yes, your jeans are a bit crotchy.

0:16:560:16:59

No, um... Look, I know tomorrow's only routine,

0:16:590:17:02

but I just wanted to say that, um...

0:17:020:17:05

I'll be thinking of you and...

0:17:050:17:09

I...

0:17:090:17:11

Hey! Roly!

0:17:110:17:13

-You're back.

-Yeah.

-Cool.

0:17:130:17:16

I'm just, er...

0:17:160:17:18

..ordering pizza.

0:17:190:17:20

-Can we have mozzarella sticks, please?

-What?

0:17:200:17:23

I thought you had takeaway with Veronica.

0:17:230:17:24

Midnight...snack.

0:17:240:17:26

Yes, I'll...I'll pay cash.

0:17:260:17:28

-Wait, Errol...

-DOOR SHUTS

0:17:280:17:30

Pathetic.

0:17:300:17:31

MONITOR BEEPS

0:17:310:17:33

-What is this?

-A great room to come to think in peace.

0:17:420:17:45

Until you followed me in.

0:17:460:17:48

Ohh!

0:17:490:17:51

Does feeling everything always hurt this much?

0:17:510:17:54

Well, I wouldn't know. You're talking to a man of science, remember?

0:17:540:17:57

-I'm basically a sentient robot.

-All right, robot,

0:17:570:18:00

do you want to tell me what really happened to your wrist?

0:18:000:18:02

It's embarrassing, really. I went to a concert last night and, er...

0:18:020:18:06

got fake ID and everything, and then they...

0:18:060:18:08

stamped my wrist to get into the venue.

0:18:080:18:10

It was all going great until...

0:18:100:18:12

suddenly my wrist began to swell up into a blistered mess.

0:18:120:18:15

I was allergic to the stamp. You don't want to see it, trust me.

0:18:150:18:18

That's what you get for doing cool shit without me.

0:18:180:18:21

Lesson learned.

0:18:210:18:23

Hi there.

0:18:230:18:26

-Oh, we're just leaving.

-You don't need to leave. Is there anything you want to talk about?

0:18:260:18:30

No, we're good, thanks. You sure there isn't someone you want me to pray for?

0:18:300:18:33

-Are you having a laugh?

-Errol...don't.

0:18:330:18:35

You're offering prayer up like it's something real that's going to help.

0:18:350:18:38

Praying is just thinking.

0:18:380:18:40

It's inaction wrapped in piety. It's the least you can do for a person.

0:18:400:18:43

I'm praying for you to shut up right now.

0:18:430:18:45

I find prayer is a good way to take stock of the things

0:18:450:18:48

we're grateful for and gives us, the prayer, a sense of perspective

0:18:480:18:52

and can help us to process feelings

0:18:520:18:55

by asking a divine something-greater-than-ourselves for help.

0:18:550:18:59

Like Mystic Meg, only not £1.50 a minute.

0:18:590:19:01

Richard Dawkins says a delusion is something people believe in

0:19:010:19:05

despite a total lack of evidence.

0:19:050:19:06

What do you have to say to that?

0:19:060:19:08

That I've never seen the ocean floor, but I know it's there.

0:19:080:19:10

That's because we have scientific evidence and photos

0:19:100:19:13

and Jacques Cousteau documentaries.

0:19:130:19:14

I'm not here to change your mind.

0:19:140:19:16

I'm only saying...what's the harm?

0:19:160:19:18

The harm...

0:19:180:19:20

is there is no God and we're all alone and everything is meaningless,

0:19:200:19:23

or there is a God and he gives people cancer

0:19:230:19:25

and only takes it away when people pray hard enough, meaning he's a total wanker.

0:19:250:19:29

Roly, wait.

0:19:290:19:30

MONITOR BEEPS

0:19:300:19:33

-They're ready for you.

-All right, let's go see the wizard.

-Wait.

0:19:330:19:37

Oh, no. Not a ukulele.

0:19:380:19:41

It's what they call in recovery "rock-bottom".

0:19:410:19:44

# My dog has fleas

0:19:440:19:47

# Like a ship in a bottle

0:19:470:19:50

# I don't want it to change

0:19:500:19:52

# Even though he pissed me off And led the kid a-strange

0:19:520:19:55

# Cos who is gonna tell me When I am full of shit?

0:19:550:19:59

# And who will make me miserable And make me babysit?

0:19:590:20:03

# So if you fucking die on me And leave me on my own

0:20:030:20:07

# I promise I will hunt you down You'll have nowhere to turn

0:20:070:20:11

# It's not that I would miss you Just I couldn't stand the fuss

0:20:110:20:15

# Don't make me plan a funeral We're better off as us

0:20:150:20:19

# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs

0:20:190:20:23

# They're horrific, annoying And worst of all

0:20:230:20:26

# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up

0:20:260:20:28

# They jingle jangle on my tits

0:20:280:20:30

# I hate them and they fuck me off

0:20:300:20:32

# I wanna smash them all to bits

0:20:320:20:34

# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs

0:20:340:20:39

# They're annoying and hipster And worst of all

0:20:390:20:42

# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up

0:20:420:20:44

# They jingle jangle on my tits

0:20:440:20:46

# I hate them and they fuck me off

0:20:460:20:48

# I wanna smash them all to bits

0:20:480:20:50

# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs

0:20:500:20:54

# They're annoying and hipster And worst of all

0:20:540:20:57

# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up

0:20:570:20:59

# They jingle jangle on my tits

0:20:590:21:01

# I hate them and they fuck me off

0:21:010:21:03

# I wanna smash them all to bits. #

0:21:030:21:06

MONITOR BEEPS

0:21:090:21:11

-Give me a cigarette.

-Roly!

-Please, I just need something

0:21:170:21:20

-to take my mind off my dying mum.

-Is this how it is now?

0:21:200:21:23

Following a family tradition of gateway drugs and self-harm?

0:21:230:21:25

-Self-harm?

-Did it make you feel better?

0:21:250:21:28

-I'm not going to let you hurt yourself.

-How about I hurt you, then?

0:21:300:21:33

Roly! Calm down.

0:21:330:21:35

Don't tell me to calm down. I'm always the calm one.

0:21:350:21:37

When do I get to lose my shit?

0:21:370:21:39

-Ow! Shit!

-Come on, hit me.

0:21:390:21:42

I'm not going to hit you, you human swizzle stick.

0:21:420:21:44

Argh!

0:21:440:21:45

One more time, Roly, I swear.

0:21:450:21:47

-Or what?

-Don't push me today.

0:21:470:21:49

I am feeling tender.

0:21:490:21:51

I said I was feeling tender!

0:21:520:21:55

GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:550:21:57

MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS

0:22:010:22:03

MUSIC RESUMES

0:22:040:22:06

You're up.

0:22:180:22:20

You sure about this?

0:22:270:22:29

I can pay in cash.

0:22:290:22:31

Fine.

0:22:320:22:33

Hope she's a keeper.

0:22:350:22:37

So do I.

0:22:370:22:39

TATTOO GUN BUZZES

0:22:390:22:41

By the way, that Chinese symbol,

0:22:420:22:44

that doesn't mean "Beauty".

0:22:440:22:46

That means "Disaster".

0:22:460:22:48

HE SIGHS

0:22:500:22:52

I should have told her I loved her.

0:22:580:23:01

I had loads of opportunities, but I blew it.

0:23:010:23:04

The last thing I ever said to her was... "Break a leg."

0:23:050:23:08

The last word she might ever hear from me is "leg".

0:23:100:23:13

It's better than "phlegm".

0:23:150:23:17

Yeah.

0:23:180:23:20

But what's worse is that I didn't say it to her, because I thought it would be bad luck.

0:23:200:23:24

-Bad luck?

-Yeah.

0:23:240:23:26

It's exactly the sort of thing you say to someone before they die, isn't it?

0:23:260:23:30

And I thought if I said it, the gods might laugh at us.

0:23:300:23:33

Man of science, eh?

0:23:340:23:36

But...

0:23:390:23:40

I didn't say it and now she's dying anyway,

0:23:400:23:44

so what's the point?

0:23:440:23:46

You know what your mum said to me just before she went into surgery?

0:23:460:23:49

-It's OK, you don't have to...

-She said, "If anything happens..."

0:23:490:23:53

"tell Roly..."

0:23:530:23:57

"I know."

0:23:570:23:59

MONITOR BEEPS

0:24:010:24:03

Cheers.

0:24:040:24:06

I like you, Bruce. You're a good guy. You made Sam happy.

0:24:080:24:12

-Made?

-Make. Make Sam happy. Don't know why I said that.

0:24:120:24:16

I just don't know what I'd do without her.

0:24:160:24:18

Veronica's great, but...

0:24:180:24:21

Sam is...the mother of my child.

0:24:210:24:24

Oh, no. Yeah, obviously.

0:24:240:24:26

-Love of my life.

-Well, love of...my life.

0:24:260:24:29

Oh, yeah. Obviously.

0:24:290:24:31

Oh, no.

0:24:340:24:36

Are you about to ugly cry?

0:24:360:24:37

No!

0:24:370:24:39

No. I'm a bloody rock.

0:24:390:24:41

HE SOBS

0:24:410:24:43

You know you could have just told me about the tattoo.

0:24:550:24:58

I wanted something for myself.

0:24:580:25:01

You know, take control.

0:25:010:25:03

And, plus, you're shit at keeping secrets.

0:25:040:25:07

Fair point.

0:25:070:25:08

Look, I'm sorry. I know you're going through a hard time at the moment.

0:25:090:25:13

And I just let my feelings get away from me.

0:25:130:25:17

It's OK.

0:25:170:25:19

But if you're not OK, that's OK, too.

0:25:190:25:22

I'm not OK.

0:25:220:25:24

I'm really not OK.

0:25:240:25:27

-What are you doing?

-Praying.

0:25:330:25:35

You know... Just in case.

0:25:350:25:38

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Sorry, am I interrupting?

-No.

0:25:440:25:46

Um... We were just...

0:25:460:25:48

-Er, have you got any news?

-Yes.

0:25:490:25:51

She's in recovery and you can see her soon.

0:25:510:25:53

-Hi, Anna.

-Fuck off, James.

0:25:550:25:58

There you go.

0:26:040:26:06

If you're going to try one, I'd prefer it to be one of mine.

0:26:080:26:11

Maybe another time.

0:26:140:26:16

Yeah.

0:26:180:26:19

Melodie. Oh.

0:26:280:26:30

-Non capisco.

-Sorry, I thought...

0:26:300:26:32

Never mind.

0:26:330:26:35

How are you feeling?

0:26:450:26:46

Oh, like I've been felt up by Edward Scissorhands.

0:26:460:26:48

You gave us quite a scare.

0:26:480:26:50

Mum...

0:26:500:26:52

I love you.

0:26:520:26:53

I love you, too.

0:26:530:26:56

-BEN:

-Are you hungry?

-What do you think? I've been fasting for 18 hours.

0:26:560:27:00

There's a vending machine. How about your favourite? Dairy Milk.

0:27:000:27:02

-Since when are they my favourite?

-How about Maltesers?

-Nah, not in the mood.

0:27:020:27:06

-Wotsits.

-Only taste good when you're high.

0:27:060:27:08

-Crunchie!

-Bingo.

0:27:080:27:10

Roly, what happened to your wrist?

0:27:100:27:12

Oh, he tried cutting himself...

0:27:120:27:14

Please tell me that's a stick-on.

0:27:150:27:17

You're underage, how did you even...?

0:27:170:27:19

-I got a fake

-ID. You are in so much trouble, young man.

0:27:190:27:23

And what was wrong with my whole name?

0:27:230:27:26

Are you joking? It's right on the bone.

0:27:260:27:28

I passed out halfway through and they had to stop.

0:27:280:27:30

-That's why it's off-centre.

-That'll drive you crazy for the rest of your life.

0:27:300:27:33

I'll get it finished when Mum gets the all clear.

0:27:330:27:35

No. No more tattoos. Was this your idea, Andy?

0:27:350:27:38

I wish. This little scamp was irresponsible all by himself.

0:27:380:27:42

-Uncle Andy, you've had tattoos before...

-Yeah.

0:27:420:27:44

..does this look infected?

0:27:440:27:46

Shit.

0:27:460:27:47

# Let's dance to Joy Division

0:27:470:27:49

# And celebrate the irony

0:27:490:27:51

# Everything is going wrong

0:27:510:27:54

# But we're so happy

0:27:540:27:55

# Let's dance to Joy Division

0:27:550:27:57

# And raise our glass to the ceiling

0:27:570:27:59

# Cos this could all go so wrong

0:27:590:28:01

# But we're so happy

0:28:010:28:03

# Yeah, we're so happy

0:28:030:28:06

# So happy

0:28:060:28:08

# Yeah, we're so happy

0:28:080:28:10

# So happy

0:28:100:28:12

# Yeah, we're so happy. #

0:28:120:28:14

Andy struggles to shut off his feelings. Errol struggles to let his in. Sam's life hangs in the balance. An impressionistic exploration of grief.