2:27 Uncle

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

MUSIC: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

# When routine bites hard

# And ambitions are low

# And resentment rides high

# But emotions won't grow

# And we're changing our ways

# Taking different roads

# Then love

# Love will tear us apart again... #

BEEPING

As smooth operations go, this one's up there.

-Have you just given her anything?

-Just put the local in.

She's dumped her pressure and her sats are dropping.

RAPID BEEPING

OK, give me adrenaline, hydrocortisone, 200 milligrams.

-Shall I carry on or stop?

-Stop!

Stop!

This is officially the best day ever.

Comfy hospital gown - check. Trashy hospital mag - check.

If this bed had a vibrate button, I could die happy.

-You're not convincing anyone.

-Fine.

I'm starving. Seriously, who can go 12 hours without eating anything?

Andy! Can you stop moving about?

He's probably thinking about all the primo drugs that are in this building right now.

I wasn't! Until you mentioned it.

And, actually, I was worried about my sister. Thank you.

You don't need to worry. It's just a lumpectomy. I'm going to be fine.

And I get that you're detoxing, but can you stand still? Cos you're making me nauseous.

Nauseated. Nauseous means you're making other people nauseated.

Whatever. You know what I mean. And why are you being so snippy?

Judging by his jumper, he's gone full Robert Smith.

Or maybe he has a girlfriend.

Sam, be rational.

-Come on, sweetie, what's up?

-They should make hospital gowns red.

That way, they can at least blend in with all the blood.

I regret letting you watch American Psycho.

PHONE VIBRATES

-Who is it?

-It's Mum. She's asking if you've had your roots done,

and I quote, "The surgeon won't care about you unless you care about yourself."

Aww! Mum of the Year!

Hospital parking is the worst. 50 quid for a day?

I could buy a black-market kidney for that. So! What's shaking?

I am reading which celebs are in a messy break-up this month,

Andy's detoxing and Roly's sulking.

-He's not sulking.

-Speaking of sulky teens, Tiff sends her love.

-Aww!

-Oh, and Claire.

-Eurgh!

-Mwah!

-You look so beautiful.

-What did I tell you?

I'm not being sentimental.

I'm an emotional rock.

-WHISPERS:

-I'm wearing paper knickers.

-Oh!

Mum, is this really the time?

Any day that I'm legally allowed to pump myself full of drugs

-is a win.

-So lucky.

What? Oh, yeah, cancer's terrible. Yeah.

Hi, Samantha. So, the surgeon has five procedures today

and you are second on the list,

so you shouldn't have too long to wait. Do you have any questions?

What is the Wi-Fi password?

Fine, I'll just try "hospital1234".

MONITOR BEEPS

Oh, how do people do this?

-Sit still?

-Manage stress without drugs.

It's not like you were doing drugs all the time. What's different now?

Now, I am officially an addict, and as soon as you tell me

I can't have something, I want it even more.

I went mental when they discontinued curry Twiglets.

-So how did you manage stress before?

-There was no before.

I had my first spliff when I was 11.

Don't look at me like that. I looked old for my age.

-And I didn't have a stable home life.

-And I do?

Fair enough.

I know, I know. I've got to find...

a better way to filter my feelings, but I'm not a fucking fish tank, am I?

Well, you've only been clean about a week.

Why don't you just try thinking about something else? Like Melodie.

The one that got away? Yeah, that'll help(!)

-How long's she been in there?

-40 minutes.

-Definitely feels longer.

-That's what she said.

-Don't steal my act.

How are you so calm?

I'm a man of science. Feelings have no place in a hospital.

PHONE VIBRATES

What is it?

"Stay arm, we're shit, kiss-kiss".

Whatever.

Right... Here's something fun that'll keep us busy.

Uncle Frank taught me this. If you stare directly at it, then the coin is yours.

And when you've got it, you've got to get me to stare at it.

Then I get it back.

The trick is to hold it underneath the waist

and whoever's got the coin at the end of the day is the loser.

When you said this game was going to be fun,

did you really mean it was going to be pointless and stupid?

Ahhh, shit! I've got cramp in my foot.

Who's stupid now, stupid?

What happens to the loser?

A friend of mine had to go out in public dressed as a condom.

-Why would anyone do that?

-Because he has a reputation

for being a wild and crazy guy, and that's its own burden.

Are you going to tell me what my mum said before she went to surgery?

Are you going to tell me what happened to your wrist?

Oh.

That was, er...

That was just a reading accident.

Sprained it while...

turning a page too fast.

Ah.

Oh, shit, how did I get blood on my jeans?

Oh, you...

I think I'm going to enjoy this game.

-Oi, Errol. Do you like my shoes?

-Not falling for it.

The floor's got a funny pattern on it, hasn't it?

MONITOR BEEPS

I thought being in a wheelchair would be embarrassing, but I could get used to this.

Andy, stop chewing your feelings.

So, what are you guys going to do while I'm gone?

Oh, you know, we're going to poke corpses and take some selfies

with corpses. I'm kidding!

We're not going to take any selfies.

All right, don't miss me too much.

Bruce.

I'm... I'm not crying.

I'm the rock.

I crush feelings for fun.

Andy, come here. There's something I need to tell you. Come on.

SHE WHISPERS

-To the Batmobile, Robin.

-Mum...

Break a leg.

MUSIC: She's Lost Control By Joy Division

-Turn that down!

-HE TURNS MUSIC DOWN

-What did you do that for?

-So I can hear myself think.

And what are you doing listening to New Order?

-Joy Division.

-They're the same band,

and they're for pretentious art school burn-outs.

-It's your record.

-What on earth are you wearing?

-Clothes. What does it look like?

-Like Halloween's come early.

-Where are you going?

-Out.

-Oh, no, you're not.

Veronica will be here any minute. We're going to order takeaway.

-I'm not hungry.

-I'm not negotiating. You have to be up early.

-Your clothes make you look dumpy.

-Excuse me?

You always wear your Fred Perry shirts like

you're still a young mod, but you're not.

You're just a sad middle-aged man trying to hang on to his glory days.

Pathetic.

-Enjoy your night out.

-Don't wait up.

MONITOR BEEPS

There you are! She's still in theatre.

What are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing? I'm turning my lungs to jerky.

Give me a puff.

-No way.

-Is that because cigarettes are a drug?

I see what you're doing.

If cigarettes are a drug and I've given up drugs, then I should give up cigarettes.

Well, you're wrong.

They're not drugs.

If they're not drugs, then give me a puff.

Fine. They're drugs. But if you take these away from me,

then I'll have nothing, and then I'll go full Kanye.

Don't ruin the only thing I've got left to live for.

This isn't about you. This is about what I want.

And surely my silence is worth a puff.

-You're allergic.

-I've got my inhaler.

-Your mum would kill me.

-What she doesn't know won't kill her.

Fine, I'll give you a puff.

But first, you've got to guess what my shoe size is.

You have got a lot to learn, young padawan.

MUSIC BLARES

ID.

I have a pituitary condition.

MONITOR BEEPS

INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT

Um...

Lovely weather we're having.

I wouldn't know. I haven't been outside in a month.

-Oh.

-Go on, just ask me.

-Ask what?

-What I'm here for.

-What are you here for?

Anal bleaching.

And leukaemia. I got a two-for-one deal.

HE CHUCKLES

-I shouldn't be laughing, that was quite dark.

-I know.

That's why I'm getting it bleached.

-What are you in for?

-My mum's having a lump removed.

-That sucks.

-I know.

-No, it sucks for me.

I was hoping you were a new inpatient.

-Cancer ward's got pretty slim pickings.

-Hm! Thanks.

-For what?

-For not saying everything's going to be OK.

Trust me, if there's one thing leukaemia teaches you,

it's that everything is not going to be OK.

And anyone that says that is full of crap.

Do you know how annoying people are when you're dying?

It's like I can't be sad because they won't let themselves be sad.

And they're always going on about positive visualisation

and what an inspiration I am to everyone.

Hurgh.

I don't even think I mind dying that much.

Any more.

But I'll tell you what really grinds my gears.

I'm not going to be around for the next Star Wars

or the last Game Of Thrones book.

God, I'd give anything for someone to stop pitying me and tell it like it is.

Your hat clashes with your robe.

Come on, you can do better than that.

I bet you've never read any Kierkegaard,

and if you did, you wouldn't understand it.

Are you kidding me?

I bet the most interesting thing about you

is that you're dying.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Nicely done.

All right? Let's hit the road, young lady.

Nice talking to you.

See you in the next life.

Here's hoping you make it to the next Star Wars.

Don't hold your breath for Game Of Thrones.

Yeah, screw you, too.

Where've you been?

Let's just say I never thought I'd have a wank in a hospital.

MONITOR BEEPS

Look, she's going to be all right.

All right? We just need to... think positive.

Yeah? That's what your mum would want. How about a joke?

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-Jesus.

-Jesus who?

Come on! You've heard of me.

Jesus, I wish I was high.

-Maybe I'll join a gym.

-You don't need a gym. You need a hug.

Come here.

Come here.

Cool. Well...

I'll just set this over here for whenever you want it.

I know. We should get Sam a snack from the vending machine, all right?

-She's going to be starving when she wakes up.

-Maltesers are her favourite.

-Pretty sure it's Dairy Milk.

-Guys, I'm pretty sure it's Wotsits.

-Since when?

Since she used to eat them every time she had the munchies,

and since I've known her longer than both of you.

I was connected to her with an umbilical cord.

Well, I've had se...

sex with her, so...

-What's her favourite colour?

-Purple.

-Green.

-It's sea foam.

-What's sea foam?

-It's pastel mint.

-What, you mean green?!

-Roly, what happened to your wrist?

-Nothing.

MONITOR BEEPS

-TEXT ALERT

-Ooh. Mm...

Sam just went into surgery.

I'm sure she'll be fine. Andy said it was routine.

-Maybe I should call back anyway.

-They've got enough going on.

I should write something back, though, right?

-Definitely.

-Ohh, I hate texting.

It's such a shallow way to communicate.

Right, how about, "We're all praying for her"?

-Nah, bit grim.

-Mm.

-How about,

"Even with a dodgy tit, I still would"?

Yeah, so would I.

But her brother's reading the text.

-Do you know what? I'm going to leave it.

-No, no, no.

You have to say something, even if it's just...

"Kiss-kiss."

I wouldn't kiss-kiss Andy if his lips were made of tits.

-Mike...

-Yes, boss?

Family friend's in hospital having surgery on a tumour.

What should I text her brother?

Internet hugs?!

Internet hugs? Euch!

No wonder I pay you for your body and not your mouth.

You could do emojis, like a frowny face and a bicep curl.

That means, "I'm worried, stay strong."

Is there an emoji for, "I couldn't think of something to say,

"so I'm sending you a bullshit emoji"?

-Thinking face, poo face.

-Here, just let me do it.

-No, no...

-Dad, let me do it. I've got an idea.

-No, no...

-Dad, give it to me!

-Oh, shit.

What?

It sent.

MONITOR BEEPS

Do you think you'll ever have kids?

Dunno.

Society's broken.

We can't even get the electoral system right.

What about you? Do you think you'll ever do it?

Vote? No.

I mean, I'm still on the fence between Coke and Pepsi.

No, I mean have a baby.

Especially after the whole Teresa thing.

Uh...

I think I've got enough people disappointed in me

without creating new ones.

What if it was with Melodie?

I've got it.

How about...

the loser of the coin game gets to take a vow of silence for a week?

Sorry, excuse me.

I'm Dr Marcum. Are you Samantha King's family?

-Yeah.

-Everything went fine with the procedure.

She tolerated the general really well.

But when they were finishing up, she had an allergic reaction

to the local anaesthetic they used to close the incision

and she went into anaphylactic shock.

Hi, Sally.

I'll keep you posted.

She looks so peaceful.

Well, I'm not. It's cramped as hell in this thing.

Don't you think this looks a bit bling for Uncle Frank?

That cardboard box over there's only 100 quid.

I'm sure all the green options are probably more his speed, anyway.

-He'd probably hate this one.

-That's what he gets for dying without a will while

illegitimate kids pop out of woodwork and I'm left paying for his stupid body to sit in a freezer

for ages because no-one will fork out for the burial costs.

No. This way, I get the last laugh.

I'll remember that when you die.

Who says I'm dying before you? I am way healthier.

You're going to die first, cos that's how dramatic irony works,

and then Roly can live with me full-time.

-I still have a dad, remember?

-What if they both die, like, together,

in a helicopter crash or something?

What are my two divorced parents doing in a helicopter ride together?

They're coming to my private concert on a remote tropical island.

You arrived earlier by seaplane.

Well, I'll tell them not to go, then.

You're not killing my mum with your stupid tropical concert.

I'll kill her however I want to kill her.

Boys! Relax. I'm not going to go to Andy's made-up concert

and I'm not going to get in any helicopters.

You're not getting rid of me for a long time.

Hi, can I help you?

Oh, how much is this coffin?

£750.

We'll take the cardboard box.

MONITOR BEEPS

Look, I'm sorry, I don't have an update for you.

-This is unacceptable. She's my wife.

-Ex-wife.

I know this is difficult for you, I understand that... Hey, Kim.

Listen, mate, I'm feeling really tender today,

so apologies if this comes across as rude,

but I want you to go and find out what is going on with my sister

right now or I am going to lose it, please!

OK, I'll...I'll see what I can do.

I need a coffee.

I'd better make sure he gets a decaf.

No, of course, I wouldn't normally call like this,

you know, especially the night before you have...

Um... You know...

HE SIGHS

Er, we...we had a row.

Row? About what?

I don't even know. I think he's just...

pushing back.

I wish he could worship me again like he did when he was little.

Do you think my shirts are too tight?

No... Well... Well, maybe just the Fred Perry ones.

-I only wear Fred Perry ones.

-Well, thanks for the call.

-No, wait, Sam...

-There's something else.

-Yes, your jeans are a bit crotchy.

No, um... Look, I know tomorrow's only routine,

but I just wanted to say that, um...

I'll be thinking of you and...

I...

Hey! Roly!

-You're back.

-Yeah.

-Cool.

I'm just, er...

..ordering pizza.

-Can we have mozzarella sticks, please?

-What?

I thought you had takeaway with Veronica.

Midnight...snack.

Yes, I'll...I'll pay cash.

-Wait, Errol...

-DOOR SHUTS

Pathetic.

MONITOR BEEPS

-What is this?

-A great room to come to think in peace.

Until you followed me in.

Ohh!

Does feeling everything always hurt this much?

Well, I wouldn't know. You're talking to a man of science, remember?

-I'm basically a sentient robot.

-All right, robot,

do you want to tell me what really happened to your wrist?

It's embarrassing, really. I went to a concert last night and, er...

got fake ID and everything, and then they...

stamped my wrist to get into the venue.

It was all going great until...

suddenly my wrist began to swell up into a blistered mess.

I was allergic to the stamp. You don't want to see it, trust me.

That's what you get for doing cool shit without me.

Lesson learned.

Hi there.

-Oh, we're just leaving.

-You don't need to leave. Is there anything you want to talk about?

No, we're good, thanks. You sure there isn't someone you want me to pray for?

-Are you having a laugh?

-Errol...don't.

You're offering prayer up like it's something real that's going to help.

Praying is just thinking.

It's inaction wrapped in piety. It's the least you can do for a person.

I'm praying for you to shut up right now.

I find prayer is a good way to take stock of the things

we're grateful for and gives us, the prayer, a sense of perspective

and can help us to process feelings

by asking a divine something-greater-than-ourselves for help.

Like Mystic Meg, only not £1.50 a minute.

Richard Dawkins says a delusion is something people believe in

despite a total lack of evidence.

What do you have to say to that?

That I've never seen the ocean floor, but I know it's there.

That's because we have scientific evidence and photos

and Jacques Cousteau documentaries.

I'm not here to change your mind.

I'm only saying...what's the harm?

The harm...

is there is no God and we're all alone and everything is meaningless,

or there is a God and he gives people cancer

and only takes it away when people pray hard enough, meaning he's a total wanker.

Roly, wait.

MONITOR BEEPS

-They're ready for you.

-All right, let's go see the wizard.

-Wait.

Oh, no. Not a ukulele.

It's what they call in recovery "rock-bottom".

# My dog has fleas

# Like a ship in a bottle

# I don't want it to change

# Even though he pissed me off And led the kid a-strange

# Cos who is gonna tell me When I am full of shit?

# And who will make me miserable And make me babysit?

# So if you fucking die on me And leave me on my own

# I promise I will hunt you down You'll have nowhere to turn

# It's not that I would miss you Just I couldn't stand the fuss

# Don't make me plan a funeral We're better off as us

# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs

# They're horrific, annoying And worst of all

# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up

# They jingle jangle on my tits

# I hate them and they fuck me off

# I wanna smash them all to bits

# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs

# They're annoying and hipster And worst of all

# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up

# They jingle jangle on my tits

# I hate them and they fuck me off

# I wanna smash them all to bits

# I hate cancer More than ukulele songs

# They're annoying and hipster And worst of all

# They're twee as fuck And won't shut up

# They jingle jangle on my tits

# I hate them and they fuck me off

# I wanna smash them all to bits. #

MONITOR BEEPS

-Give me a cigarette.

-Roly!

-Please, I just need something

-to take my mind off my dying mum.

-Is this how it is now?

Following a family tradition of gateway drugs and self-harm?

-Self-harm?

-Did it make you feel better?

-I'm not going to let you hurt yourself.

-How about I hurt you, then?

Roly! Calm down.

Don't tell me to calm down. I'm always the calm one.

When do I get to lose my shit?

-Ow! Shit!

-Come on, hit me.

I'm not going to hit you, you human swizzle stick.

Argh!

One more time, Roly, I swear.

-Or what?

-Don't push me today.

I am feeling tender.

I said I was feeling tender!

GUITAR MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC SLOWS AND STOPS

MUSIC RESUMES

You're up.

You sure about this?

I can pay in cash.

Fine.

Hope she's a keeper.

So do I.

TATTOO GUN BUZZES

By the way, that Chinese symbol,

that doesn't mean "Beauty".

That means "Disaster".

HE SIGHS

I should have told her I loved her.

I had loads of opportunities, but I blew it.

The last thing I ever said to her was... "Break a leg."

The last word she might ever hear from me is "leg".

It's better than "phlegm".

Yeah.

But what's worse is that I didn't say it to her, because I thought it would be bad luck.

-Bad luck?

-Yeah.

It's exactly the sort of thing you say to someone before they die, isn't it?

And I thought if I said it, the gods might laugh at us.

Man of science, eh?

But...

I didn't say it and now she's dying anyway,

so what's the point?

You know what your mum said to me just before she went into surgery?

-It's OK, you don't have to...

-She said, "If anything happens..."

"tell Roly..."

"I know."

MONITOR BEEPS

Cheers.

I like you, Bruce. You're a good guy. You made Sam happy.

-Made?

-Make. Make Sam happy. Don't know why I said that.

I just don't know what I'd do without her.

Veronica's great, but...

Sam is...the mother of my child.

Oh, no. Yeah, obviously.

-Love of my life.

-Well, love of...my life.

Oh, yeah. Obviously.

Oh, no.

Are you about to ugly cry?

No!

No. I'm a bloody rock.

HE SOBS

You know you could have just told me about the tattoo.

I wanted something for myself.

You know, take control.

And, plus, you're shit at keeping secrets.

Fair point.

Look, I'm sorry. I know you're going through a hard time at the moment.

And I just let my feelings get away from me.

It's OK.

But if you're not OK, that's OK, too.

I'm not OK.

I'm really not OK.

-What are you doing?

-Praying.

You know... Just in case.

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Sorry, am I interrupting?

-No.

Um... We were just...

-Er, have you got any news?

-Yes.

She's in recovery and you can see her soon.

-Hi, Anna.

-Fuck off, James.

There you go.

If you're going to try one, I'd prefer it to be one of mine.

Maybe another time.

Yeah.

Melodie. Oh.

-Non capisco.

-Sorry, I thought...

Never mind.

How are you feeling?

Oh, like I've been felt up by Edward Scissorhands.

You gave us quite a scare.

Mum...

I love you.

I love you, too.

-BEN:

-Are you hungry?

-What do you think? I've been fasting for 18 hours.

There's a vending machine. How about your favourite? Dairy Milk.

-Since when are they my favourite?

-How about Maltesers?

-Nah, not in the mood.

-Wotsits.

-Only taste good when you're high.

-Crunchie!

-Bingo.

Roly, what happened to your wrist?

Oh, he tried cutting himself...

Please tell me that's a stick-on.

You're underage, how did you even...?

-I got a fake

-ID. You are in so much trouble, young man.

And what was wrong with my whole name?

Are you joking? It's right on the bone.

I passed out halfway through and they had to stop.

-That's why it's off-centre.

-That'll drive you crazy for the rest of your life.

I'll get it finished when Mum gets the all clear.

No. No more tattoos. Was this your idea, Andy?

I wish. This little scamp was irresponsible all by himself.

-Uncle Andy, you've had tattoos before...

-Yeah.

..does this look infected?

Shit.

# Let's dance to Joy Division

# And celebrate the irony

# Everything is going wrong

# But we're so happy

# Let's dance to Joy Division

# And raise our glass to the ceiling

# Cos this could all go so wrong

# But we're so happy

# Yeah, we're so happy

# So happy

# Yeah, we're so happy

# So happy

# Yeah, we're so happy. #