Browse content similar to Rivals. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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-'Southbridge Comprehensive. How can I help?' -Hello. This is Herbert Jones, | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
and I work for the Bone Marrow Registry | 0:00:05 | 0:00:07 | |
of England and Wales. | 0:00:07 | 0:00:11 | |
I am trying to get in contact with one of your former teachers, | 0:00:11 | 0:00:13 | |
a Miss...Melodie Thomas. | 0:00:13 | 0:00:17 | |
It seems that she may be a potential match for one of our patients. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:20 | |
'Sorry, we can't give out any personal information.' | 0:00:20 | 0:00:23 | |
Oh. Well, that's fine. I'm sure our patient will understand... | 0:00:23 | 0:00:27 | |
when they're dead! | 0:00:27 | 0:00:28 | |
This programme contains some strong language | 0:00:28 | 0:00:33 | |
HE TAPS ON KEYBOARD | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
What do you think would be | 0:00:35 | 0:00:36 | |
a nice present for your mum | 0:00:36 | 0:00:38 | |
when she finishes radiotherapy? | 0:00:38 | 0:00:40 | |
Hello? Veronica just asked you a que... Would you mind not using that | 0:00:40 | 0:00:44 | |
at the breakfast table? | 0:00:44 | 0:00:45 | |
Actually, I would. I've found an amazing deal for my Euro trip. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:48 | |
And it's going to be gone in a couple of minutes unless we act now. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
What Euro trip? | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
The one for my 16th birthday. | 0:00:52 | 0:00:53 | |
I've found a package that takes me to Barcelona, Rome, Athens, Istanbul, Munich | 0:00:53 | 0:00:56 | |
and Stockholm, home of the world's largest Ikea. | 0:00:56 | 0:00:59 | |
And it's only £2,500. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
-Can I use your credit card? I already know the number. -Definitely not. | 0:01:01 | 0:01:04 | |
What 16-year-old goes alone on a trip round Europe? | 0:01:04 | 0:01:06 | |
Malala won a Nobel prize when she was 16. | 0:01:06 | 0:01:09 | |
It was the Peace Prize. They give that to anyone. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
If you don't want me to go alone, I can always just ask Murray Thomas. | 0:01:11 | 0:01:14 | |
His crippling sleep apnoea has nearly cleared up now. | 0:01:14 | 0:01:17 | |
You get straight As in your GCSEs, then we'll talk. | 0:01:17 | 0:01:19 | |
That's not fair. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:20 | |
I'm bored of formal education. I'm trying to enrich myself. | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
If you feel that strongly about it, you're old enough to get a job and pay for the trip yourself. | 0:01:23 | 0:01:26 | |
A job? You want ME to get a job? | 0:01:26 | 0:01:29 | |
Me? A rebel thinker? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
Hands of a Victorian lady? | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Do I look like I'm built for hard labour? | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
I'm not ordering you down the mines. What century are you living in? | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
Why don't you just... blog for money or something? | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
Ha! You think writing pays money? | 0:01:41 | 0:01:43 | |
What century are YOU living in? | 0:01:43 | 0:01:44 | |
How do you know my credit card number? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:49 | |
-Jesus, Andy! -What? You're just peeing. | 0:01:49 | 0:01:52 | |
This had better be good. I was about to break my Wordament high score. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:55 | |
I can't decide which guitar to use for the song that I'm writing. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:59 | |
Have you ever heard of Old Black? | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
Don't tell me that's what you call Bruce's penis. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
No, that's Will Smith II. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:04 | |
No, I'm talking about Neil Young's guitar. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:06 | |
-What do you know about Neil Young's...? -The TV was stuck on BBC Four one night. | 0:02:06 | 0:02:09 | |
Neil's had Old Black for, like, 40 years, | 0:02:09 | 0:02:11 | |
even though she weighs a ton and gives him back pain. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:13 | |
Now, why would Neil put up with that when he could buy any guitar in the world? | 0:02:13 | 0:02:17 | |
Will Smith II? Seriously? | 0:02:17 | 0:02:18 | |
It's because he's dedicated to her, for better or worse. | 0:02:18 | 0:02:22 | |
That is why Neil's the kind of guy he is. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:24 | |
He puts in the hours to make the relationship work. | 0:02:24 | 0:02:26 | |
Can you see me settling down and getting married? | 0:02:26 | 0:02:30 | |
We learn how to form healthy relationships from our parents. | 0:02:30 | 0:02:32 | |
That's a yes. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
You're screwed. Now, get out. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Hang on, are you hiding in here? | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
No, I'm just enjoying my last moments of peace | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
before Mum and Dad arrive from Spain tonight. | 0:02:40 | 0:02:42 | |
-What are you stressed about? They're not that bad. -Oh, really, says the golden child? | 0:02:42 | 0:02:46 | |
Meanwhile, I'm the one that has to smile while Mum criticises my hair | 0:02:46 | 0:02:49 | |
and goes on about homoeopathic cures, | 0:02:49 | 0:02:51 | |
and Dad boasts about his five seconds as a folk singer. | 0:02:51 | 0:02:54 | |
And, yes, I've stocked up on booze, and, no, I haven't had any, | 0:02:54 | 0:02:57 | |
and, no, I'm not going to tell you where it is. | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
-You're no fun. -I know, but someone's got to be the adult in this family. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:01 | |
DOORBELL | 0:03:01 | 0:03:03 | |
Oh! God, they're early! Get out. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
Go. Shit. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:06 | |
Ah! Look who's here. | 0:03:06 | 0:03:09 | |
It's my rock star. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:10 | |
Can you spare a kiss for your number-one fan? | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
Or you can sign my tits if you prefer. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:14 | |
Why do I have to choose? | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
What do you think of my tan, eh? | 0:03:17 | 0:03:19 | |
It's nice. | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
Full coverage. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
Yeah. The neighbours enjoyed the full view, didn't they, Jane? | 0:03:21 | 0:03:25 | |
Look at that face. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:27 | |
If I had a mug like that, I'd never leave the house. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:29 | |
I'd just stand naked in the mirror, loving myself all day. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:33 | |
Loving yourself has never really been your problem, has it, Neville? | 0:03:33 | 0:03:36 | |
NEVILLE CHUCKLES | 0:03:36 | 0:03:37 | |
Oh! And here's my cancer warrior. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:40 | |
Honk-honk! Hello, girls! They're looking perky. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:43 | |
Yeah, well, the radiation therapy can cause... | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
Radiation! You only had stage two. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Why are you bothering with that rubbish? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
It'll just give you more cancer down the line. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:51 | |
-Says the woman who smokes unfiltered cigarettes. -I offset it with homoeopathy. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:55 | |
Speaking of, I've brought you some fluoride-of-lime tablets. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
I promise, you don't need any more of this radioactive mess. | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
-It's just the medical industry trying to make money out of you. -Great(!) | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
-Now, what's going on with your roots? -So, you guys are early. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
Your mother thought we should surprise you. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:10 | |
So... | 0:04:10 | 0:04:12 | |
Surprise! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:13 | |
And Brian's been looking after us lovely. | 0:04:13 | 0:04:15 | |
He pours a mean Baileys. | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
-Mum, it's Bruce. -Brian's cool, though. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
HIGH-PITCHED: "I'm not the Messiah. I've been a very naughty boy!" | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
Monty Python. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:25 | |
Bruce, did you know that I once opened for Billy Bragg? | 0:04:25 | 0:04:29 | |
-Oh, hello there. -Someone call the police - | 0:04:29 | 0:04:31 | |
there's an illegally handsome young man on the premises. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
And Errol! | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
When did you get so big? | 0:04:36 | 0:04:37 | |
Oh, if I was 30 years younger... | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
Jesus, Mum, he's your grandson. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
Oh, you're so uptight, Sammy. Now, let's have a look at this tattoo. | 0:04:41 | 0:04:44 | |
Don't worry, when you get a bit older | 0:04:44 | 0:04:46 | |
you can change it to something cool. Like "samurai". | 0:04:46 | 0:04:49 | |
Ooh, I bought you a pressie. | 0:04:49 | 0:04:51 | |
Thank you. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
-I thought you were coming later. -We couldn't wait | 0:04:55 | 0:04:57 | |
to give everyone the big news. | 0:04:57 | 0:04:59 | |
We're getting divorced. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
Could I get a top-up, Brian? | 0:05:03 | 0:05:04 | |
Divorced?! | 0:05:04 | 0:05:06 | |
Oh, do you know what this means? | 0:05:06 | 0:05:08 | |
Yeah - one of them's going to be sleeping in Tiff's room, | 0:05:08 | 0:05:10 | |
one of them's going to be sleeping in my room. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:12 | |
I can't sleep in your Petri dish of a flat. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
No. If they're getting divorced, | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
what chance do I have of being in a healthy relationship? | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
They're literally my only role models. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:20 | |
Relax. | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
Divorce is a gift. Two parents fighting for attention, | 0:05:22 | 0:05:25 | |
two bedrooms, two birthdays, two Christmases, | 0:05:25 | 0:05:27 | |
twice the guilt. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:28 | |
I'm an expert on divorce. I can teach you to get whatever you want. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
I want my mum and dad to stay married, and I'm going to keep them together, | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
and if I can do that, then I can make any relationship work. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:37 | |
I'm sorry, sweetie. I remember when my folks split up. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:40 | |
Same week Ginger left the Spice Girls. | 0:05:40 | 0:05:42 | |
-Dark times. -I don't care about them divorcing. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:44 | |
-They should have done that years ago. -Then what is it? | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
I thought that being sick would change things with Mum. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
But Andy's always going to be the Jake to my Maggie. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
-What? -Maggie Gyllenhaal. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
She's older and cooler but Jake gets all the attention because he's a boy. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:57 | |
But she killed it in Secretary. | 0:05:57 | 0:05:58 | |
I know! Argh! | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
Just forget it. I'm a therapist, I'm not going to fall into any old traps. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
-That's my Sam. -But it's not fair! | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
I'm the one with cancer! They should baby me at least a little bit. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
And that passive-aggressive shit with Mum calling you Brian! | 0:06:09 | 0:06:12 | |
-She never would have done that with Ben! -I know. Don't worry. I'll set her straight. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:16 | |
-Brian, where's the bottle opener? -Top drawer, next to the fridge. | 0:06:16 | 0:06:20 | |
We should get a lock on the door. I can't have more idiots barging in and saying stupid shit. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:26 | |
I'm stopping Mum and Dad from getting a divorce! Who's with me? | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
I don't get it. What is the point in a divorce stag do? | 0:06:35 | 0:06:38 | |
Simple reverse psychology. | 0:06:38 | 0:06:39 | |
Once we remind Dad how shit it is being single, he'll run straight back to Mum. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:43 | |
While you're throwing away the gift of a lifetime, | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
I'll be twisting Dad and Bruce to my will. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
Go, divorce! | 0:06:47 | 0:06:48 | |
Yeah, Dad, nothing says recently single like slippery wood and heavy balls. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
Don't worry, old-timer! We'll get through this together. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:57 | |
You don't have to cheer me up, son. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
We're NOT cheering you up. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:01 | |
We're celebrating your new life. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:03 | |
Being single is my second-greatest achievement next to the time | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
I came this close to touching a tit with my tongue. | 0:07:06 | 0:07:10 | |
-Can I smell whisky? -Ben, get over here, | 0:07:10 | 0:07:12 | |
you useless Tory twat! | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
I missed you, too, you big lefty drunk! | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
Hey, where's my hug, you...socialist alky? | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
Classic bants there, Bruce(!) The fun's already begun. | 0:07:23 | 0:07:26 | |
Mum who? Am I right? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:27 | |
Oh. Oooh. Get off. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:31 | |
-Get... Oh! -Psycho? | 0:07:31 | 0:07:33 | |
No... Er... | 0:07:33 | 0:07:34 | |
Ooh. Ooh. Naughty. Get away. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:37 | |
Fifty Shades Of Grey? | 0:07:37 | 0:07:38 | |
Rarrrr! | 0:07:38 | 0:07:39 | |
-The Revenant? -Yes! | 0:07:39 | 0:07:41 | |
Ben's new wife's energetic. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:43 | |
Oh, we're not married, but we have been engaged for...almost two years. | 0:07:43 | 0:07:46 | |
All right, Tiff, you're up next. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
-Who's Tiff? -Me. I'm Bruce's ex-stepdaughter. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
-Who's Bruce? -BRIAN'S ex-stepdaughter. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:53 | |
Oh, well, why didn't you say so? | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
-What time does the stripper get here? -I keep saying, there is no stripper. | 0:07:55 | 0:07:58 | |
Andy would have got me a stripper. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:00 | |
Well, Andy's not here, and tonight is about sisterhood. | 0:08:00 | 0:08:02 | |
We don't need a man to validate us. | 0:08:02 | 0:08:04 | |
We are celebrating singledom and girl power. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
Who needs men, right? | 0:08:07 | 0:08:08 | |
This soon-to-be divorcee who hasn't been on the market for 39 years, that's who. | 0:08:08 | 0:08:12 | |
Come on, Jane, you just need some charades in your life. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
I'll give it a pass, thanks. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:17 | |
Sounds like somebody's afraid of losing. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:19 | |
I love losing. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:21 | |
I lost my virginity twice. | 0:08:21 | 0:08:22 | |
-Once in the V-hole and once in the A... -Another drink coming right up. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
I got it. A-hole. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
You're going to love being single. | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
Goodbye, putting down the toilet seat. | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
Goodbye, sharing the bed. Hello, online dating. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
We're going to have you swiping right | 0:08:35 | 0:08:38 | |
faster than you can say, "Meaningless shag for one, please." | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
Nothing beats the thrill of playing Russian roulette with your penis. | 0:08:41 | 0:08:45 | |
You know, the over-50s have the fastest-growing rate of STDs. | 0:08:45 | 0:08:48 | |
Interesting. | 0:08:48 | 0:08:50 | |
Actually, Jane never took up much room in bed. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
And with my knees, I prefer to piss sitting down. | 0:08:53 | 0:08:55 | |
And I was never one for meaningless sex. | 0:08:55 | 0:08:57 | |
I guess I'm just a bit old-fashioned. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
Divorce is bad, but online dating's the worst. | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
-What happened, anyway? -We just... | 0:09:02 | 0:09:04 | |
..grew apart. | 0:09:06 | 0:09:07 | |
-Is it too late to fix it? -Why would he want to fix it? | 0:09:07 | 0:09:10 | |
You're taking this much better than I thought. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:12 | |
Your mum had this mad idea you'd have a meltdown and make it about you. | 0:09:12 | 0:09:15 | |
BOTH LAUGH | 0:09:15 | 0:09:18 | |
I just want to see my old man happy. | 0:09:18 | 0:09:19 | |
And once you get over the soul-crushing loneliness of bachelorhood, | 0:09:19 | 0:09:24 | |
it's all guns and roses. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
You're now free to go wherever you like. Unlike me. | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
-Dad thinks I'm too young to see Europe. -I didn't say that. | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
That's a bit harsh. I wish I'd travelled more when I was young. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
I used to get nosebleeds just going north of Waterloo. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
See? Bruce gets it. | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
Anyway, back to Dad's great new life... We can go out on double dates. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:43 | |
Father and son on the pull. | 0:09:43 | 0:09:45 | |
If that doesn't get you running back to Jane, I don't know what will. | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
Hmm. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:49 | |
SHE EXHALES | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
Penny for your thoughts? | 0:09:51 | 0:09:52 | |
Oh, why can't she just be a normal mother? | 0:09:52 | 0:09:55 | |
I know exactly what you mean. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
For my 18th birthday, Mummy bought me a Porsche | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
when all I wanted was a Range Rover. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
-I never should have agreed to this. -Agreed to what? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
Andy wanted me to throw Mum a divorce hen do but make it extra boring | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
so she'd go running back to Dad, which is the dumbest idea ever, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
but I thought it would be a chance for us to bond. | 0:10:10 | 0:10:12 | |
It's fine. I'm a therapist. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:13 | |
I know that looking to other people for self-worth is a losing battle. | 0:10:13 | 0:10:17 | |
Wait, did you invite me because I'm boring? | 0:10:17 | 0:10:19 | |
No. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
SHE EXHALES | 0:10:21 | 0:10:22 | |
Look, if you want to show Andy who's boss, | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
you should give her exactly what she wants. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
If she wants men, make it rain men. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
-Hello, boys! -Val! | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
Andy's warned me who everyone is. Roly I know. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
You must be Ben, the prick ex-brother-in-law. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
Andy's only calling me a prick? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:42 | |
Someone's losing their edge. | 0:10:42 | 0:10:44 | |
And you must be sweet, gullible Bruce. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:47 | |
I can't believe you said I was gullible. | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
-He didn't. -I see what you did there. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
And who's this big old grizzly bear? | 0:10:51 | 0:10:54 | |
I'm Neville, Andy's dad. | 0:10:54 | 0:10:55 | |
He failed to mention you, my dear. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:58 | |
Some things speak for themselves. | 0:10:58 | 0:10:59 | |
I'm Val. Your son dated my daughter for a brief, horrific time. | 0:10:59 | 0:11:03 | |
-Hey, it wasn't brief. -That's not what she said. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:06 | |
-Errol! -Nice one. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:07 | |
-Dad, Val here is divorced. -Oh. | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
There's nobody better to tell you | 0:11:10 | 0:11:13 | |
about the long painful road... | 0:11:13 | 0:11:15 | |
back to happiness. | 0:11:15 | 0:11:17 | |
"Don't listen to your children" is rule number one. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
-Nice ball bag. -Takes one to know one. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:23 | |
-PULSATING MUSIC -You wanted men... Voila. | 0:11:27 | 0:11:30 | |
Is it OK us being here? My best friend Craig | 0:11:30 | 0:11:32 | |
says it's quite annoying when hen dos rock up at gay clubs. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:35 | |
Yeah, it's like I said I was hungry and you brought me waxed fruit. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:38 | |
-Oh, my God, Sam. -Gwen, hi. -Hi. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
This is Veronica, Tiffany and my mum, Jane. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:45 | |
Holy shit. You're Andy's mum. I always thought he was an orphan. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
-Why would you think that? -He never spoke about his parents. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:51 | |
Anyway, welcome to Sober Saturday. | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
-Sober Saturday? -A once-a-year event. | 0:11:54 | 0:11:55 | |
All money goes to AA, | 0:11:55 | 0:11:57 | |
and Casper makes a mean Virgin Mary. | 0:11:57 | 0:11:59 | |
Yum! | 0:11:59 | 0:12:01 | |
So, Andy never mentioned our parents? | 0:12:01 | 0:12:02 | |
Actually, I'm getting a headache. Maybe we should go? | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
-Oh, no, no, no, stay, please. -Yeah, let's stay. | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
Gwen can tell us all her best Andy stories. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:09 | |
That shouldn't take long. | 0:12:09 | 0:12:12 | |
Who is ready to see what a real strike looks like? | 0:12:12 | 0:12:16 | |
Well, you've already shown us a knockout. | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
Dad... | 0:12:19 | 0:12:21 | |
..you realise Val's a man? | 0:12:22 | 0:12:24 | |
Expand your mind, son. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:27 | |
Val is a sexual being. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
I don't care which side of the pommel horse they land on | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
as long as somebody's getting pommelled. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:35 | |
It's my round. Come and help, Roly. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:39 | |
A trip to the bar. | 0:12:39 | 0:12:40 | |
It's no trip around Europe, but it's a start. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:43 | |
You're on a streak tonight, Roly. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
-What are you playing at? -Er, it's called bowling. | 0:12:48 | 0:12:51 | |
I'm talking about Roly's trip. | 0:12:51 | 0:12:52 | |
-Keep...out. -Why? | 0:12:52 | 0:12:55 | |
Never hurts to broaden your horizons. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
You know, I was going to give him 500 for a new laptop, | 0:12:57 | 0:12:59 | |
but if he wants to spend it on a trip, I'm cool with that. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:02 | |
I'm warning you, do not give him that money. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
It's my money. I can do what I like. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
Bruce, I was starting to like you. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:09 | |
Shut the fuck up, Ben. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:11 | |
What? | 0:13:11 | 0:13:12 | |
Big Lebowski. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:14 | |
You know. "Shut the fuck up, Donny." | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
I'm going to see if they need a hand at the bar. | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
Oh, oh, oh, strike! | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
And that...is how it's done. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:25 | |
Stop flirting with my dad. | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
I brought you here so you could show him how shit divorce is, | 0:13:30 | 0:13:32 | |
not slink around like Jessica Rabbit. | 0:13:32 | 0:13:34 | |
Trust me, if I was flirting you'd know about it. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
Oh, and FYI, I'm more of a Cruella de Vil kind of girl. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:41 | |
Just leave him alone. I'm trying to save my parents' marriage. | 0:13:41 | 0:13:43 | |
Oh, I get it. | 0:13:43 | 0:13:45 | |
It's the guy in heels who's always the home-wrecker. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:47 | |
-Look, that's not what... -If you want to see flirting, | 0:13:47 | 0:13:50 | |
I'll show you flirting. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
Who wants a Slippery Nipple? | 0:13:52 | 0:13:53 | |
I've got two right here. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:56 | |
GWEN: 'Anyway,' | 0:13:56 | 0:13:57 | |
Andy starts texting, begging me for a date. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:59 | |
I say no, until eventually he sends me pictures of... | 0:13:59 | 0:14:03 | |
his pejazzled dong spelling, "You likey?" | 0:14:03 | 0:14:07 | |
I wasn't impressed. But I was horny. | 0:14:07 | 0:14:10 | |
And the rest, as they say, is internet history. | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
-What's "pejazzled"? -It's where you diamante your d... | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
Did you hear that, Mum? Sounds like your precious Andy is a little bit of a sex pest. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:19 | |
Andy's just artistic. Lord knows he didn't get it from me. | 0:14:19 | 0:14:22 | |
Creativity skips the women in this family. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Wow, Ben just took me to a Yo! Sushi for our first date. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
Really? He took Sam to a concert in Paris on theirs. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
Oh, yeah, but it was Muse, so it doesn't count. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:33 | |
Wonder what the boys are up to. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
I bet Andy's teaching them some hilarious drinking games. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
-Mum, you do know that Andy is sober now? -Aww. That's so brave of him. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:41 | |
You never said it was brave when I went clean. | 0:14:41 | 0:14:43 | |
Cos you take after my side and the Abbotts never stay clean long. | 0:14:43 | 0:14:46 | |
I mean, look at your Uncle Frank, God rest his rotten soul. | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
There's no shame, but you mark my words, you're not done. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
Caught her snorting sherbet when she was five. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:55 | |
Ooh, off to powder her nose! | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
I need to get Val out of here. | 0:15:00 | 0:15:02 | |
He's putting such a smile on Grandad's face. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
It's not his face I'm worried about. Also, stop messing your dad and Bruce about. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:07 | |
You're jealous that I know how to play the divorce game. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Behold the puppet master. I am Geppetto. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
Trust me, you're Pinocchio all day. | 0:15:12 | 0:15:15 | |
Now, help me get rid of Val or I'm telling your dad and Bruce. | 0:15:15 | 0:15:18 | |
Like they'd ever believe you. | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Wait, wait, wait, wait. I have a cunning plan. | 0:15:20 | 0:15:23 | |
Sam, are you all right? | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's just all the cologne making my eyes water. | 0:15:25 | 0:15:29 | |
Bloody Jean Paul Gaultier. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
Come here. | 0:15:32 | 0:15:33 | |
Everybody out! | 0:15:33 | 0:15:34 | |
-Seriously, what's up? -Oh, it's just...my mother is a monster! | 0:15:37 | 0:15:40 | |
-What's going on? -Sam wants to kill her mum. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:42 | |
She thinks that Andy's the best thing since boxed wine. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:45 | |
I know the feeling. The only reason Dad put me in charge tonight | 0:15:45 | 0:15:48 | |
is cos it's Sober Saturday and he knew it would be dead. | 0:15:48 | 0:15:50 | |
Mummy made me ride a pony until I was 16, | 0:15:50 | 0:15:52 | |
even though I was clearly ready for a full-size horse at 12. | 0:15:52 | 0:15:54 | |
PHONE BUZZES | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
What do you want? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:00 | |
Who says I want anything? | 0:16:00 | 0:16:01 | |
Can't a guy just call his favourite gal pal? | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
-I'm hanging up now. -'No, wait.' | 0:16:03 | 0:16:06 | |
I need a favour. | 0:16:06 | 0:16:07 | |
'Can you call Val and say there's a problem' | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
down the club and he needs to come back immediately? | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
On the first night my dad's ever left me fully in charge | 0:16:11 | 0:16:14 | |
'you want me to tell him I can't take the heat' | 0:16:14 | 0:16:16 | |
just so I can help YOU get out of a stupid situation you got yourself into? | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
-I knew you'd understand. -'I'll do it,' | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
if you tell your mum she needs to treat Sam better | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
and that you're a shit son. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:25 | |
Fine. | 0:16:25 | 0:16:26 | |
Wait, how do you know I've got a mum? | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
-PRETENDING TO SNEEZE: -Wanker! | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
NEVILLE CHUCKLES | 0:16:31 | 0:16:33 | |
You're just in time to see me pound the pins. | 0:16:33 | 0:16:37 | |
I'll give you a hand with your stroke. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:40 | |
Come here. | 0:16:41 | 0:16:42 | |
Sorry, mate. Hope my sneeze didn't throw you off. | 0:16:42 | 0:16:46 | |
No worries. | 0:16:46 | 0:16:47 | |
Hey, Roly, I'm going to pay for your trip. The whole shebang. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
-Really? -No. No. | 0:16:52 | 0:16:55 | |
I'll... I'll pay for it. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I have an idea. Roly, why don't you pick who YOU want to pay for it? | 0:16:57 | 0:17:00 | |
-PHONE RINGS -Oh. Hello. | 0:17:00 | 0:17:01 | |
-Well, this shouldn't be a contest(!) -Roly? | 0:17:01 | 0:17:04 | |
Oh, it's my go. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
Yeah, yeah, I'll be right there. Got to go, guys. Security issue at Cox. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:10 | |
That's a shame(!) | 0:17:10 | 0:17:11 | |
-We could come with you. -I'm sure Val probably needs to deal with this alone. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:14 | |
I'm with Grandad. It wouldn't be a proper divorce stag do if we all split up, would it? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:18 | |
-Just let her know how you feel. -Yeah, we've got your back, Sam. | 0:17:20 | 0:17:23 | |
All right, here goes nothing. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Oh, hell, no! | 0:17:26 | 0:17:28 | |
Oh, hey, babe. | 0:17:28 | 0:17:29 | |
Look, I've found the only straight one. I'm giving him a little reiki. | 0:17:29 | 0:17:33 | |
You get your hands off my boyfriend! | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
Calm down, babe. I'm just being friendly for tips. | 0:17:35 | 0:17:37 | |
I bet your tip's plenty friendly. | 0:17:37 | 0:17:39 | |
Babe, she's Andy's mum! | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
Urgh, what?! Urgh! | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
I thought Andy was an orphan. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:44 | |
Why do people keep saying that? | 0:17:44 | 0:17:46 | |
-Mum, there's something I need to say. -VAL: -What's going on? | 0:17:46 | 0:17:49 | |
Oh, yeah, ooh...Andy made me lie to get you here. | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
Now I've done my part of the deal, I think he has something to say to you, Jane. | 0:17:52 | 0:17:55 | |
ANDY: Er... The... | 0:17:55 | 0:17:57 | |
The thing that I wanted to say... | 0:17:57 | 0:18:00 | |
is that...um...Errol has been playing | 0:18:00 | 0:18:02 | |
Bruce and Ben off like mugs to get them to pay for his Euro trip. | 0:18:02 | 0:18:05 | |
N-No... | 0:18:05 | 0:18:06 | |
-No. Does...does that sound like me? -Pretty much, yeah. | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
Well, Mum and Andy are doing the world's shittest Parent Trap. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
-Liar! -Bruce, I told you not to get involved. | 0:18:12 | 0:18:14 | |
He's not your kid. | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
Ben, we're all co-parenting here. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:19 | |
And why didn't you take ME to Paris on our first date? | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
Have you got cold feet? | 0:18:21 | 0:18:23 | |
What? | 0:18:23 | 0:18:25 | |
Can we...talk about this later? | 0:18:25 | 0:18:26 | |
I can't believe you're Andy's mum. I always thought he was a... | 0:18:26 | 0:18:29 | |
If you say "orphan" I swear I'll shank you, lady. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
-Don't you talk to Val like that, or... -Or what? | 0:18:32 | 0:18:34 | |
You haven't got the guts to follow through. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
You know who's got a lovely follow-through? Roger Federer. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:38 | |
How's this for follow-through? | 0:18:38 | 0:18:40 | |
Oh, yeah? | 0:18:40 | 0:18:42 | |
Argh! Can everyone just stop before my eyes start bleeding?! | 0:18:44 | 0:18:48 | |
After all I did for you... | 0:18:48 | 0:18:51 | |
Gave you 39 years, got you off the street, | 0:18:51 | 0:18:53 | |
gave up my singing career for you, and now you're leaving me? | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
Career?! | 0:18:56 | 0:18:57 | |
You've played to picket lines and working men's clubs for pork scratchings. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:01 | |
You were never a real folk singer, | 0:19:01 | 0:19:03 | |
you...disco lover! | 0:19:03 | 0:19:05 | |
I gave up my childhood to be your wife. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:08 | |
So it was my fault I was the only guy on the estate stand-up enough to marry | 0:19:08 | 0:19:11 | |
the pregnant teenager? | 0:19:11 | 0:19:13 | |
Didn't even know if it was mine. Still don't! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:16 | |
And by "it", do you mean me? | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
Let's face it, you hardly look like your brother, | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
and you don't look a thing like me. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
Sam, it's not true. We've got the same eyes and... | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
..roots. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:28 | |
So that's why you treat me like shit? Because I'm the mistake? Me? | 0:19:28 | 0:19:33 | |
Do you think it was easy growing up with parents like you? | 0:19:34 | 0:19:36 | |
Always screaming and drinking | 0:19:36 | 0:19:38 | |
and dumping us on mental relatives and leaving us alone for days? | 0:19:38 | 0:19:43 | |
Can you blame me? | 0:19:43 | 0:19:44 | |
You were like raising that girl from The Exorcist. | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
You make Cersei Lannister look like Mary Berry! | 0:19:47 | 0:19:50 | |
It's a miracle that I've done anything with my life. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:53 | |
OK, I had a little addiction problem back there, but look at my role models. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:57 | |
But still, I had a son, | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
I got my master's, | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
I am fighting cancer, and I nearly | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
died on an operating table, but you still favour Andy! | 0:20:03 | 0:20:08 | |
The single... | 0:20:08 | 0:20:09 | |
30-something musician who lives in my fucking basement! | 0:20:09 | 0:20:14 | |
Garden flat. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
You've always treated me like the fuck-up, | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
but it's him, Mum, it's always been him. He's just like you. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:21 | |
Oh... Shit! | 0:20:21 | 0:20:24 | |
-BRUCE: -Sam... | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
I think we should go home. | 0:20:26 | 0:20:27 | |
-You stay out of this, Brian. -It's Bruce, Mum! It's fucking Bruce! | 0:20:27 | 0:20:33 | |
And I'm Maggie Gyllenhaal! | 0:20:33 | 0:20:36 | |
And you don't deserve Maggie. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
So you get Jake. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:40 | |
Right... How about a round of shots on the house? | 0:20:41 | 0:20:45 | |
-But it's Sober Saturday. -We've had a report of an incident. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:48 | |
Finally! Something that can get my mind off this palaver. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:52 | |
Let's see what you're working with, hot stuff. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:55 | |
DOOR CLANGS KEYS JANGLE | 0:20:57 | 0:20:59 | |
Can you give us a minute? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:09 | |
DOOR SLAMS | 0:21:13 | 0:21:15 | |
Mum, there's some things...some things that I said, I didn't mean... | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
Don't worry. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:24 | |
Already forgotten. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
-Mum. -I mean it. I'm fine. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
You've got a mouth on you. | 0:21:30 | 0:21:32 | |
You get it from me. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:34 | |
There's that look. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:36 | |
-What look? -You know. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:39 | |
The look that sees right through me. | 0:21:39 | 0:21:41 | |
You're right. I'm a shit mum. | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
I was a child when I had you and I...I never caught up. | 0:21:47 | 0:21:51 | |
And you had much higher parenting expectations than Andy. | 0:21:51 | 0:21:53 | |
I only shower him with attention cos he always acts so helpless. | 0:21:53 | 0:21:57 | |
He's like a rescue dog. | 0:21:57 | 0:21:58 | |
Happy to be fed and have his balls within reach. | 0:21:59 | 0:22:02 | |
I'd like to say I can change, but I don't think I can. | 0:22:04 | 0:22:07 | |
I don't have your strength. | 0:22:07 | 0:22:08 | |
I'm not expecting you to change. I just... I just want to know that you care. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:13 | |
You think I don't care about your cancer? | 0:22:14 | 0:22:15 | |
Your dad will tell you, it's destroying me. | 0:22:17 | 0:22:20 | |
I'm the one who should be sick. | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
Jesus, I smoke while I'm on the sunbed! | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
I'm proud of you. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
I love you to death. | 0:22:28 | 0:22:29 | |
Maybe not the best choice of words for a cancer patient. | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
But thanks. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:38 | |
So...who is my father? | 0:22:41 | 0:22:45 | |
It's Neville. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:47 | |
Probably. | 0:22:47 | 0:22:49 | |
Well, I hope it is. | 0:22:49 | 0:22:50 | |
Cos the other options ain't good. | 0:22:52 | 0:22:53 | |
Dad, Bruce, I'm... | 0:22:55 | 0:22:57 | |
sorry for the way I behaved. | 0:22:57 | 0:22:59 | |
After the divorce, I realised everyone just wanted to keep me happy, | 0:22:59 | 0:23:02 | |
so I took advantage of that. | 0:23:02 | 0:23:05 | |
And now I'm ready for my punishment. | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
What do you think, Bruce? | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
Oh, you could clean Andy's flat. | 0:23:10 | 0:23:13 | |
-Ha-ha, funny one, Veronica! -Actually, that's a great idea. | 0:23:13 | 0:23:16 | |
No. Please. Anything but that. | 0:23:16 | 0:23:19 | |
Dad, does that sound fair to you? | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
I'm doing it again, aren't I? | 0:23:22 | 0:23:24 | |
Sorry I kissed you, Val. | 0:23:27 | 0:23:29 | |
It's OK. It was worth it just for the look on Andy's face. | 0:23:29 | 0:23:32 | |
But if you ever try that again without my consent, | 0:23:32 | 0:23:34 | |
I will cut your prostate out with a rusty tin lid. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:38 | |
You get sexier by the minute. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:40 | |
How am I ever supposed to make a relationship work | 0:23:44 | 0:23:47 | |
if I can't even keep my own family together? | 0:23:47 | 0:23:49 | |
Oh, shut up. | 0:23:49 | 0:23:51 | |
-Why are you smiling? -Every time you tell me to shut up | 0:23:52 | 0:23:54 | |
it means you're just about to lay down some serious wisdom on me and fix everything. | 0:23:54 | 0:23:58 | |
I'm not your fairy godmother, Andy. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:00 | |
You're a big boy. | 0:24:00 | 0:24:02 | |
Fix your own life. | 0:24:03 | 0:24:04 | |
Fix my own life? | 0:24:11 | 0:24:13 | |
Yeah. | 0:24:13 | 0:24:14 | |
Nice one, Val. | 0:24:16 | 0:24:18 | |
FOOTSTEPS | 0:24:18 | 0:24:20 | |
Andy, I am so sorry. I didn't mean those... | 0:24:24 | 0:24:27 | |
horrible things I said. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:29 | |
Of course you did. I don't blame you. | 0:24:29 | 0:24:32 | |
I was just angry with Mum and it spilled over. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:34 | |
Maggie Gyllenhaal is consistent, but who am I kidding? | 0:24:35 | 0:24:38 | |
She's never done anything as good as Nightcrawler. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:41 | |
On the other hand... | 0:24:41 | 0:24:43 | |
Maggie doesn't need to apologise for Prince Of Persia. | 0:24:43 | 0:24:46 | |
Or Bubble Boy. | 0:24:46 | 0:24:47 | |
Still, I think I am going to ask Dad to take a paternity test with me, | 0:24:50 | 0:24:53 | |
you know, just so we know... | 0:24:53 | 0:24:55 | |
Shut up! All right? You're not doing it. | 0:24:55 | 0:24:57 | |
It doesn't matter what the test says. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:58 | |
You're my sister, he's your father. You don't need a test to prove... | 0:24:58 | 0:25:01 | |
I love you, Jake. | 0:25:04 | 0:25:06 | |
Right back at you, Maggie. | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
Isn't it weird, you and Dad travelling back together after everything? | 0:25:10 | 0:25:13 | |
No. It'll be months before we can move out. | 0:25:13 | 0:25:16 | |
39 years' worth of CDs and sex toys won't separate themselves. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:20 | |
Who knows? A lot can happen in that time. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
One thing's for sure - this family can take a bigger pounding than a rhino vag. | 0:25:23 | 0:25:28 | |
Here you go. Don't tell your sister. | 0:25:28 | 0:25:30 | |
Mum, I'm not a boy any more. | 0:25:30 | 0:25:31 | |
You know, when I watch milf porn, it's not a fetish, | 0:25:31 | 0:25:34 | |
it's just age-appropriate. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
And as much as I love all the special attention, I am a bad son. | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
I never call, I never send birthday cards. Sam's the good one. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:46 | |
Whoa! | 0:25:46 | 0:25:47 | |
I'll forgive you just this once. | 0:25:47 | 0:25:50 | |
But...I think that you should stop taking it easy on me. | 0:25:50 | 0:25:54 | |
The reason I give up on relationships is because you and Dad... | 0:25:54 | 0:25:57 | |
you never made me work for anything. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
I want you to tell it like it is. | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
OK. | 0:26:01 | 0:26:02 | |
You're talented, but your music's soft. | 0:26:03 | 0:26:05 | |
You need to start dyeing your hair, cos you're going grey. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
And stop blaming other people for your problems... | 0:26:07 | 0:26:10 | |
Mum, got it! Save some for later! | 0:26:10 | 0:26:12 | |
You know, when I found out your mum was pregnant, | 0:26:22 | 0:26:24 | |
I didn't want to run away like my father did. | 0:26:24 | 0:26:26 | |
And I could see she didn't have any decent men in her life, so... | 0:26:26 | 0:26:29 | |
..I stayed. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:32 | |
But then you were born. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:34 | |
And I saw you there, all pink and smiling. | 0:26:34 | 0:26:37 | |
That wisp of hair like duckling fluff on the top of your head. | 0:26:37 | 0:26:42 | |
And I fell in love. | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
With both of you. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
You know, you'll always be my special girl. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
I love you, Dad. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:53 | |
I love you, too, sweetie. | 0:26:53 | 0:26:55 | |
I'm a bit old for pocket money. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
Your mum wanted me to give you this to get your roots done. | 0:26:58 | 0:27:02 | |
-Oh! -Take it, | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
or I'll never hear the end of it. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:05 | |
Bye, handsome. And if you ever need money, | 0:27:08 | 0:27:10 | |
-you call your Grandma Jane. -Thank you. | 0:27:10 | 0:27:12 | |
But I'm going to start to trying to earn things on my own from now. | 0:27:12 | 0:27:15 | |
And if that doesn't work out, I'll just start a crowdfunding page. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
You take care of my baby, Bruce. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
I promise I will...Jenny. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
It's Jane! | 0:27:21 | 0:27:22 | |
I know. | 0:27:22 | 0:27:24 | |
I'm a quick learner, | 0:27:31 | 0:27:32 | |
I'm an excellent problem-solver | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
and quite the people person. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
But most importantly, I'm a very good liar. | 0:27:37 | 0:27:39 | |
You're hired. | 0:27:43 | 0:27:44 | |
Welcome to Carpet Brothers. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:45 | |
ANDY: 'Ladies...' | 0:27:45 | 0:27:46 | |
I've had a lot of fun with all of you. | 0:27:46 | 0:27:48 | |
But I need to pick just one of you. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:51 | |
And there's only one way to make such an important decision. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:55 | |
Eeny, meeny, miny, moe | 0:27:57 | 0:27:59 | |
Catch a tiger by the toe | 0:27:59 | 0:28:00 | |
If it hollers, let it go | 0:28:00 | 0:28:03 | |
Eeny, meeny, miny... DOORBELL | 0:28:03 | 0:28:05 | |
..moe. | 0:28:07 | 0:28:09 | |
# Throw me | 0:28:09 | 0:28:12 | |
# No more bones and I will tell you no lies | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
# This time | 0:28:15 | 0:28:18 | |
# You know I'll leave | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
# Here's to taking what you came for | 0:28:20 | 0:28:22 | |
# And here's to running off the pain | 0:28:22 | 0:28:25 | |
# And here's to just another no man | 0:28:25 | 0:28:27 | |
# If you want another | 0:28:27 | 0:28:29 | |
# Say you need another... # | 0:28:29 | 0:28:30 |