The Last Assembly Uncle

This programme contains very strong language

CHEERING

Mr King?

-Mr King, we're waiting for you.

-RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

-SLOW MOTION:

-Mr King? Mr King?

Touche or not touche, that is the question.

Take that, you vegan wannabe!

Take that, you Neil Diamond lover.

Hey! Don't knock Jewish Elvis.

Just had my last radiation treatment, bitches!

My tit cancer's been cured, or I'll turn into the Hulk,

but either way, it's a win.

-That's amazing news!

-Ah! Careful!

The girls are still tender!

Sorry. Sorry. We're going to celebrate hardcore, right?

No. My follow-up mammogram's not for another six months,

so I won't know if I've got the all clear until then.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh. Shit.

It's OK, I know why I'm here.

Just fire me already, and get it over with.

Bear?

Your new band name. Bear Maximum was giving me cock rot.

-I don't follow.

-Explain it to him, Spock.

I think Marsh is trying to rebrand you as a performer,

not just a composer/producer.

I know I said I couldn't package you, but I had a bit of a rethink.

I'll sign you as is - old-school songwriter.

We'll wheel you out as a kind of Joe Cocker meets Elbow.

That's right in the pocket!

Ever heard of Ezra + Riley? Duo on my label?

Total tossers, but they're getting quite big.

First headliners coming up, six-month European tour.

My opener's pulled.

Rehab. I've got your backing band all lined up.

All expenses paid. Tour leaves in a week.

-What about my nephew?

-I assume you'll want to bring him.

He's your Ray Manzarek. Everybody loves a bit of keyboards.

So you're asking me to be the opening act on a six-month

European tour with my nephew, all expenses paid?

This is your shot. Don't blow it.

'I'm not stressing. I think it's great.'

I just don't know how I'm going to persuade them

to let me go, especially with GCSEs coming up.

Is that you that changed it from Dusky Butternut to Dusky Butt?

I learnt from the best.

Unacceptable.

Sorry, I'll change the label.

No, that...punter perusing with his dumb, handsome face.

We don't need that sort in here.

Look at him, with his chiselled features.

Who does he think he is, David Ginola?

Michelangelo called. He wants his sculpture back.

Probably one of them blokes who says that they love nipple clamps

but when push comes to shove, he's like,

"Ooh, no, I don't want to hurt you, Roopesh."

# Please, please, please let Roly go

# On tour with me and do a show

# We'll make a handsome sum, for sure

# If me and Roly go on tour

# By day I'll make him learn and read

# By night we'll make some earholes bleed

# Paris, Stockholm, Lisbon, Rome

# He'll keep in touch, I'll make him phone

# Now it's time to sort this mess

# So won't you kindly...

# Please...

# Say...

BOTH: # Yes? #

I can't believe they said no!

Do they know how long it took me to make those cards?

I'm still high off Sharpie fumes.

I'll just phone Marsh in the morning and tell him it's off.

You're giving up the biggest break of your life for me?

I can't believe it, either. But who are we kidding? I'm better off

with you, and if I go it alone, I'll only end up making a tit of myself.

-But you love tits.

-I know.

I guess this is what growing up feels like.

SNORING

ANDY GASPS

How long have you been sitting there?

Not long. Just 20 minutes.

-Listen, I've been thinking...

-20 minutes?!

-Go without me.

-Am I dreaming?

You've been given a chance you've always wanted,

and now you're terrified to balls it up.

What if all those hundreds of people who thought you didn't have

what it takes were right? What if you ARE just a talentless hack?

Instead of putting it all on the line, you're going to retreat,

because if you don't ever try,

then at least you know that you won't ever fail.

Don't use me as an excuse. I'll be right here when the tour's over.

And who knows, I might even have a girlfriend.

Now I KNOW I'm dreaming.

It's not a dream, dummy!

-So, are you going or not?

-Yes. I'll go.

Good.

MUSIC: Souvenir, by Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark

So I figured it's going to take off, right?

-Yeah.

-That's going to...

Hi. The name's Andy, Andy King,

but my friends call me Big Dick Legend With A Heart Of Gold.

Rich. Guitar.

Gareth. Drums.

-So, when's the headline act getting here?

-Oh, just over there.

Maybe one day we'll get a ride that doesn't smell like zombie come.

The thing about zombie come is that

it tastes a lot better than it smells.

Yeah, all right, mate.

Berlin, here we come!

Not without me!

Oh, what in the name of holy fuck are you doing here?

Come to give me a goodbye kiss?

No, dick features, I'm your bassist.

I don't think so. Marsh has taste. Why would he hire you?

Cos I done a few sessions for him, and he likes my work.

I'm not happy about this, either, but money's money.

Well, what do Gwen and Val think about this?

That you're a prick. That you need me to keep an eye on you.

But I'm warning you -

this isn't going to end up with us being besties,

sleeping on each other's shoulders,

staying up all night watching Girls, whilst eating Nutella out of a pot.

Savvy?

I don't even like Nutella.

HORN BLARES

This is really weird.

It's only been a day. I'm quite enjoying the lack of thumping music

-coming from the basement.

-Garden flat.

Plus, now Roly and I get to spend more time together.

You guys should take a knitting class.

-That is a great idea, Tiff.

-And we can go trainspotting.

Well, I should probably get to school. Knowledge is power.

Yeah, the power to make other people feel stupid.

BRUCE LAUGHS

Andy would've loved that one.

Six of one, half a dozen of the other,

but I didn't understand that meant "the same"...

LAUGHTER

PHONE CHIMES

# No vital signs, no BPM

# Our relationship flatlined right then

# There was nothing left to do but pray

# Like the last time you walked out

DRUMS CRASH

# No survivors

DRUMS CRASH # No survivors

# No... #

I mean... I mean... Erm...

Er, I think you're coming in a bit strong.

Maybe you're coming in a bit weak.

Am I rushing or dragging? ANDY CHUCKLES

Oh, forget it. Let's go again.

# No vital signs, no BPM

# Our relationship flatlined right then

# There was nothing left to do but pray

# Like the last time you walked out

# No survivors

# No survivors

GUITAR OUT OF TUNE

# No survivors... #

-How do you think it sounds?

-Honestly?

Like cats puking.

Well, can you tell your new girlfriends to step in line?

I can't take your side in front of them. They'll never respect me.

-Says the guy wearing the beanie.

-Hey! Don't diss the beans.

RINGING TONE

-Miss me already?

-You wish.

-Are you at school?

-Just getting out of chemistry.

-Why do chemists love nitrates so much?

-Why?

They're cheaper than day rates.

Listen, when we're rehearsing a song and we disagree on something,

-how do we resolve it?

-Is it Casper? Bloody bassists!

I wish it was just Casper.

OK, well, here's what you do. You've got to tell them,

"Listen here, you wastes of carbon.

"I haven't spent two decades crawling out of music's..."

..shitter to let you fanny-come-latelys

tell me how to play my music!

So if you've got a problem with that, why don't you fuck off

back to the prick holes that you dribbled out of?

And don't let the door hit you where Phil Collins shit you!

# No vital signs, no BPM

# Our relationship flatlined back then

# There was nothing left to do but pray

# Like the last time you walked out

# No survivors

# No survivors

# No survivors... #

MUSIC: Waterfall, by The Stone Roses

Goodnight, Prague!

You've been great, Oslo!

Goodnight, Stockholm!

# Now you're at the wheel Tell me how... #

Thank you, Amsterdam!

Goodnight, Brussels!

# ..so good to have equalised

# To lift up the lids of your eyes... #

We did two encores last night. For the second one,

we did a cover of Little Red Corvette at half tempo,

James-Blaked the shit out of it.

I even caught Casper enjoying himself.

-MELODIE:

-Oh, sounds amazing! Remind me again, which one's Casper?

Bassist. Gwen's boyfriend. Sworn enemy.

When we're not making sweet music together, that is.

Ahh! Are you in your hotel now?

Yeah. Pretty swank.

Scotland has the worst hotel porn, though.

SHE CHUCKLES

PHONE BEEPS

Shit. Sorry, Melodie, I should get this.

-Talk soon?

-Always.

Hey, Roly!

Are you freezing your balls off yet?

The one upside of Edinburgh is that the entire place reeks of hops.

It's like I'm still drinking.

It sucks that we're in the same country but we can't see each other.

Same kingdom. Different country.

All right, Cromwell. KNOCK AT DOOR

How did you...?

We have this amazing new invention called the rail service.

I've told Mum I'm staying at a friend's house.

She won't suspect a thing. My train back's at 7.30 tomorrow morning.

Sadly, it's too late to visit the Scottish Parliament,

so we'll just have to make our own fun.

# You don't know if I'm a berk And you don't care if I go to work

# What am I supposed to do?

# That's one

# You're telling me

# I'm still a baby. #

Mum is dragging me to ballroom classes. Bruce has bought a drone

for us to fly, and Tiff has made me watch all of the Divergent films.

You can say it.

OK, I did enjoy the first Divergent, but the others just felt incoherent.

-Hunger Games was much better.

-No, you miss me.

Have you noticed how every room service menu has a club sandwich?

Guess it's not a very exclusive club, then.

KNOCK AT DOOR

We're going to the bar. You coming?

Whoa. Hey, man, what happens in Edinburgh stays in Edinburgh, but...

Shut up, donkey. That's his nephew.

-THEY CHEER

-There he is!

Errol said that you two have been playing music together

since he was 12. You playing nursery rhymes or something?

THEY LAUGH

I'll have you know that working with my nephew's been

a very important step in my evolution as a songwriter.

I'm basically the John Lennon to his Paul McCartney.

More like the Linda McCartney to my Paul.

They were the Wings of nursery rhymes.

No, it's cool you guys are so close, man.

I mean, I only see my uncle at Christmas,

which is often enough, cos he's a twat.

Both my parents are only children, so I don't have an aunt or an uncle.

That explains so much.

The family you choose mean more than the family you're born with.

-Thanks, Ghostie!

-Not you, idiots. Val and Gwen.

We're getting married when the tour's over.

I'm sure you and Val will be very happy together.

THEY LAUGH

It's funny, I'm really happy for you both.

If we ever have a boy,

we definitely won't call him Andy.

DOOR SLAMS Ho, ho, ho!

Andy King is ho-ho-home for the ho-ho-holidays!

Hey! The prodigal brother's returned.

Ow! You smell like Pringles and petrol.

Welcome home, dude.

Look, Bruce is teaching me how to shave.

I could've taught you how to shave.

What does Bruce know about shaving? He's got a beard.

-So do you, Andy.

-Oh, yeah.

Now, wash that custard pie off your face and put your shoes on.

We're going out to buy me a new car.

But me and Bruce were just about to go droning.

I'll get my shoes.

Don't you think this looks a little bit upmarket for you?

Only if you've got a down-market 'tude.

Oh, shit, it's Alfie. We need to go somewhere else.

No way. This is like that scene in Pretty Woman

when Julia Roberts goes into that shop and makes all the staff

feel like shit because they made her feel like shit

when they thought that she was just a poor prozzie.

Yeah, but she was just a poor prozzie.

And the proper term is "sex worker".

Well, well! What are you two queefs doing here?

Get lost on the way to your bikini wax?

Speedo wax, actually. And no.

Nice hat, Alfie. Does a good job of hiding those horns.

Dad!

Well, well.

If it isn't Baloo and Mowgli.

You need to update your refs, Tom.

You of all people, Baloo, should know they've just made

a live-action Jungle Book, so who's the muppet now?

You've got a lot of nerve showing up here, after what you did.

-Don't know what you're talking about.

-Yeah?

-Who etched a cock on my Benters?

-Haven't the foggiest.

And you should know, Tom, a lot's changed since last we met.

My band is currently on a European tour.

The Edinburgh show was rated three stars in the Scotsman,

which is the equivalent of six English stars.

Yeah? What's your band's name?

-It's Bear.

-What's that? I can't hear you.

Bear! We're called Bear!

That's a perfect band name, Baloo.

I forgot how funny you were!

He's not here to make jokes, he's here to buy a car.

You can't afford any of these!

Not a problem. We could cut a deal. My services for a discount.

What would you have to offer, Baloo?

I wrote a jingle for Carpet Brothers,

and their sales went up by 30%.

Actually, forget it.

I can see we're not dealing with serious businessmen.

Errol, come.

Wait.

# Leyton Luxury Cars, Leyton Luxury Cars,

# Leyton Luxury Cars, Leyton Luxury Cars

# Oh, Leyton car dealership is here to stay

# If you don't like it, get out the way

# Whether you're from Leyton or you're from Mars

# Leyton is the best at dealing cars

# The interiors are leather and sometimes vinyl

# Smells like a car, not a urinal

# Come to fucking Leyton car dealership

# It'll make you cool, it'll make you hip

# Everybody's gonna think you have a massive dick

# It's Leyton Luxury Dealership

# W-W-Word! # ERROL BEATBOXES

Not bad, Baloo. You've earned your discount.

On one condition.

I can live with that.

Hi, this is Errol, future Prime Minister.

-Leave a message after the beep.

-BEEP

Hey, it's your cool Uncle Andy here.

Er, I'm in Stuttgart, but my flight's been cancelled.

Bloody climate change!

So I guess I'll have to see you next month. Sorry about that, mate.

Oh, PS - you're a nerd. CALL ENDS

Well, Uncle Andy's not coming back this weekend.

What am I going to do?

Spend time with friends your own age?

I haven't got any friends my own age.

PHONE BUZZES

Who's that?

That's Ian from school. He keeps wanting to hang out.

He's a nice chap, but he's into symphonic metal.

Hey!

Oh, wow, that looks really good.

Yeah. It's what happens when you finally ask

your professional-artist brother for help.

Ooh, speaking of collabs, I spoke with the oncologist today, and, erm,

she says if - sorry, no, when - I get the all clear,

she recommends that we wait for two more years

before trying for a baby again, in case of a relapse.

Well, I've been waiting 13 years for the new Postal Service album,

so two years is a cinch.

DOOR SLAMS

The road warrior's here!

Witness me!

MUSIC FROM DOWNSTAIRS

Guess who, motherfucker?

LOUD ROCK MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

-Oh. Hey, Andy.

-Oh?

Who are these people, and what are they doing in my flat?

We're Ophelia Nightshade. I'm Ian.

Sorry. It just seemed like a nice place to jam.

"Jam"? Are you a band?!

Roly! Is that a bass?

The bass was just a one-time thing. I was just experimenting.

This isn't a band, it's just a school project.

They're not even my mates, they're just co-workers.

-Trust me, no fun was being had.

-I saw the bowl of Starmix.

It was just oranges and yellows.

What...? What are those magazines?

-Someone's written an article about me.

-Oh, wow! Can I see?

Maybe when you've finished with your co-workers.

If you want some company, there's always Tiff.

You'd be doing me a big favour.

She keeps on flirting with Ian and showing him her jujitsu moves.

I don't need company! I've just performed a sell-out concert

in front of 3,000 adoring fans. And seriously, "Ophelia Nightshade"?

Have you gone all symphonic metal on me?

You paid them to write this, right?

No. Why would you think that?

It says that you're handsome and charismatic. If I gave a shit,

-I'd be really proud of you.

-Thank you.

Listen, Andy, can I, er...

ask your advice about something?

You want my advice?

-Yeah.

-It's a new low.

I just feel weird talking to Gwen about this.

I knew it. You hate Casper. We've all been there.

No, you knob! I'm seeing someone. Patrick. He's...

lovely, and it's getting serious, but he has teenage kids

and an ex-wife, and they're really straight.

You know? Square?

And I don't know what they're going to make of me,

or Gwen or this place...

I refuse to change who I am. And I just... I just don't want

to scare them off before they get to know me, you know?

-What?

-Oh, my God!

You are so insecure.

Andy, don't make me kill you just when things were looking up.

Listen, Val...

you are one of the coolest,

most genuine, beautiful human beings I have ever met.

You stick up for your friends and your family.

And if you're special to this guy,

then his family should know about it.

And if they can't see it, and he won't show them,

then he doesn't deserve you.

If he doesn't want what you're cooking,

then I'll come over for dinner.

-SNIFFLES

-Are you hitting on me?

Accidentally, maybe.

# How's it feel when it's on the wall?

# When you're out, you're out cold

# So long

# Shed your skin again, my child. #

Happy 16th, Roly!

You're now old enough to register as a blood donor.

-Or join the army.

-Or get married.

-Over my dead body.

-Or ride a moped, like a true mod.

-Over your dead body.

-Hey!

You're leaving the biggest one out.

Sex!

You are officially old enough to change your name by deed poll!

This "Errol" joke has been going on long enough.

Hi, Uncle Andy.

Wow. When Sam heard I could finally afford to move out,

she wasted no time in packing all my stuff up.

Cool. Thanks.

It's a lady's small. It should fit perfectly.

Now that's out the way, what do you want to do?

We could go and try and sneak you into an 18-certificate film,

or we could have a jam session. Starmix on me.

I'd love to, but my friends are waiting.

I'll see you at the gig tonight.

Ophelia Nightshade are friends now, are they?

I don't think I should feel guilty for jamming with other people.

And if you think Ophelia Nightshade's dumb,

then what about the Bear Maximum?

-That is a riff on a joke that YOU made.

-When I was 12.

Well, if you're so mature, then how come you've stopped answering

-my calls?

-Well, because I knew you'd make me feel bad

-for having fun without you.

-Yeah, well, I've been having fun

without you. I've been having the time of my life.

Why would I want to hang around with a stupid kid from Croydon?

Because this stupid kid is the only real friend you've got.

Real friends hang out with each other on their birthdays,

-not with a bunch of talentless brats.

-I only said

-they were talentless to protect your fragile ego.

-MY fragile ego?!

The only reason I started hanging out with you in the first place

was because you're my sister's weirdo kid and I felt sorry for you.

Well, don't let me cramp your style. And me playing bass -

that wasn't a one-time thing. I'm a bassist now!

Well, you know what a bassist and a Hoover have in common?

They both suck when you plug them in!

Fuck you, Andy!

One minute you're writing hits for NTL,

and now you're opening for Ezra + Riley.

Does it all feel kind of surreal to you?

Yeah. I mean, it's been a long road.

And this band is kind of an evolution of your duo,

the Bear Maximum, right? That was with your nephew?

Can you talk about how that influenced your sound?

PHONE RINGS Yeah.

I mean, he wasn't available to do the tour.

Erm... Oh, I've got to get this.

Hey. What's up?

We're heading over to the venue, but I can't find Roly,

and he's not picking up. Have you heard from him?

# Isn't it a pity?

# Now isn't it a shame?

# How we break each other's hearts? #

All right, you fanny flannels. After six months together,

I can say each of you now feels like a brother -

a brother in the sense that I'm tired of smelling your farts

and cleaning up your vom.

I'm ashamed to say I know your wank schedules better than my own.

Now, let's get out there and give them the show of our lives tonight.

I've got some ex-girlfriends in the crowd,

and I'd like to make them feel bad for letting me get away.

Andy? You want to add anything?

Erm...

Don't fuck it up.

-ALL:

-Don't fuck it up!

Come on, boys, come on.

CHEERING

MUSIC: Smother, by Daughter

Mr King?

Mr King, we're waiting for you.

# In the darkness I will meet my creators... #

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

CHEERING

# We're always told it's all about the taking part

# Yeah, whoopy-doo and, well done, you

# You take that sentiment to heart

# You lag behind

# You've constantly been overlapped

# I raise my hat, I'm impressed that

# You've really ran with being crap

# Here we go again, here we go again

# You're perfect again

# Coming last again

# You can't know again You're on show again... #

So, you got all that rock-star stuff out of your system?

No? Good! Cos I want Bear to do me an album.

Don't thank me.

Fuck me.

In the ears. With your music.

-I'll give it a go.

-Super.

Ezra, you skinny twat.

Andy, you ready to finish that interview?

Yeah, er...

Maybe later.

Hi.

That was a great show.

Yeah. Thanks.

EXHALES

You want to get out of here?

You punch like a diabetic kitten.

You punch like Danny DeVito in a zero-gravity plane.

You punch like an inflatable balloon man at a boat show.

You punch like a bassist.

Oh. Sorry.

That was a low blow.

You're my best friend.

Shut up!

You're my best friend, and that will never change,

but I've got some friends my own age now.

And I might need to start hanging out with them more.

For sociological reasons.

You know, how can I pretend to be a normal teenage boy

if I don't study their ways?

And sure, I might play in a few bands, but

you'll always be my number one.

Yeah. Well, you'll always be my number two.

And you're my best friend.

I love you, Errol Andrew Meyer.

I love you, too...

Andrew...

An-Andrew, er...

Oh, my God!

You don't know my middle name!

'Course I do! It... Er, it...

-It's, er...Andy?

-You think my name is Andrew Andy King?!

AA King? It sounds... It sounds fancy, like, er....

-AA Milne.

-Yeah.

The only problem is that my full name is Andrew Guthrie King.

PHONE CHIMES

Shit. It's Ian and the lads.

They've come to pick up me and Tiff for a party.

And they're totally spaced. I'll... I'll cancel.

No, no, you should go.

You know, I've got to finish packing up this place, anyway.

-Are you sure?

-Go on. Get out of here.

See you later...

..Baloo.

See you later, Mowgli.

MUSIC: Smother, by Daughter

Silly old bear.

TOILET FLUSHES

SNIFFLES

Hey! Don't cry.

It was only a wee.

-LAUGHS TEARFULLY

-Sorry. It's just...

...Roly's growing up.

You're moving out. It's like everything's changing.

Yeah, it's funny.

This feels like the first time in my life that I'm actually all right

with being on my own, like I don't need someone else to complete me.

But, if it's making you this sad,

-I'll stay.

-No.

I'm very proud you've finally put a deposit on a flat,

like a real grown-up. It's amazing.

And it's a moot point, anyway, because, erm,

Roly's moving down here to make some more space.

"Space"?

-For what?

-The new nursery.

Bruce and I hadn't planned it,

but we've decided, as long as I stay in remission,

then we are moving forward.

Am I a stupid cow?

Andy?

Andy! Can you please say something?

You mean...

...I'm going to be an uncle?