Episode 2 Vexed

-I remember what it was like at Uni.

-Do you?

Two types of girl, broadly speaking -

your gauche, inexperienced type,

eager to learn a thing or two now they'd escaped their parents.

I've got a horrible feeling you mean sexually.

-Or slappers - that's the other type.

-Which, presumably, you preferred.

It is completely reprehensible of you

to reduce women to being either virgins or whores.

No it's not. You wait.

This dead girl - it'll be because of her involvement

in some sordid sexual underground university club.

In your dreams.

Unless... We're in the library. Maybe it was Professor Plum?

-Hey.

-Hey. Right, Laura Edwards.

20 years old.

Was found this morning by the librarian when he opened up.

Her parents are in Derby. They have been informed.

The Provost and Dean know.

What was she studying?

English Literature and Gender Studies.

Gender what?

Studies. Studying Gender.

It's a course.

What, you mean study people's gender?

-It's not going to be what you think.

-Women and Gender Studies.

Studying women?

I think we all know what mark I'd get if I was doing that.

We certainly do. It's not going to be about studying women's bits,

it'll be about the difference between masculinity and femininity.

What, you can study that?

-You know, the role that gender plays in culture and politics.

-Seriously?

Feminism. That's probably part of it. You won't have heard of that.

Right, well let's work out how the student tottie bought it.

Did she fall or was she pushed?

I mean, you don't fall over something like this, do you?

God, libraries are boring, aren't they?

I don't know.

I've always found them to be full of sexual tension.

-Laura's tutor is Professor Donna Hunt.

-Yeah?

Well, we should go and talk to her.

Right, can we have the photographer up here,

take a few snaps?

-Yeah, I'll be right up.

-Great.

Here she is.

She's a highly regarded post-feminist,

specialising in Lesbian, Gay, Bi-sexual, Transgender Questioning.

Transgender what? Lesbi-who questioning?

She also writes a column in Perverse Modernity magazine.

And she's had numerous research residencies.

OK, her three definitive books are - Queer Seeking Missile.

Crossing the Lesbicon,

and Wearing White Pants.

Just don't, OK, please, don't.

I'm not. I'm not, all right.

This is a serious subject. She's a serious academic woman.

Yup, sorry. Dead girl.

Serious.

-Let's do it.

-After you.

Laura loved the course.

She was especially fascinated by cultures

that play with traditional notions

of the insertive and receptive sexual partner.

I bet she was.

I mean I bet she was...

very good at both insertive and receptive sex.

On the course. As part of the course. With you. Not with you!

Yes, with you, both intellectually and theoretically.

But not, you know...

What I'm saying is...

What I'm saying is - was she a bit of a slap...

Was she someone who had a lot of sex with men,

who could also be suspects?

I don't think so.

Or women?

Because I don't want to be offensive and I know this is your,

you know this is your special area,

and a very sensitive one so, er, you know,

and especially if she was a...

We need to draw up a full list of possible suspects.

Yeah. Which may include women. Especially if she was...

I'm not going to dignify that

and I don't understand how you'd

expect me to know about her private life.

What he's asking is -

are you aware of anyone who may have had a reason to hurt Laura?

Yeah, that's right. That's what I was saying.

No, I'm not.

Did you ever...discuss anything outside the course?

Did she ever express any worries or fears that she had about anyone?

Er...a boyfriend?

-Or a girlfriend? I was definitely saying that.

-No she didn't.

Or a homosexual man?

A gay man with whom she had sex. Despite him being gay?

I am not aware of anyone who wanted to hurt Laura, let alone kill her.

She was much loved by everyone.

By my colleagues and fellow students alike.

There are some strange cliques

at Universities, of course.

How do you mean?

You mean strange social clubs? Or religious groups?

I suspect you don't have much experience of University.

Students tend to form little tribes

as a means to define themselves. They always have.

And which tribe was Laura a member of?

I don't know.

I spend most of my time teaching grad students or doing research.

You'd have to ask her friends.

We will.

That's the post-mortem report on Laura.

Erm, Laura's English tutor

- this bloke -

is back Monday.

I spoke to him. He's doing some talk up in the Lake District all week.

-So he says.

-Thanks, Tony.

-No problems, babe.

Thanks for that unique insight into the student world, Naz.

I'm off. I've got a date.

Girl called Danielle.

We're off to the football. Her idea.

Have a nice time.

Right, I'm off, too. If you find anything, call me.

-OK.

-So, er, so, what are you up to this weekend?

Hmm. This and that, you know.

I ought to do some work, really. Sort out my docket.

-File these crime reports.

-Yeah?

Don't you get dates off the internet? Why don't you do that?

I don't feel like spending my evening with someone

who'll depress me and make me realise

I've spent 30 years on this planet without encountering anyone

I'm even remotely attracted to.

And I need to do some laundry.

Well you're not going to meet anyone if you don't go out.

I don't really want to meet anyone.

You know. I just think if someone's going to come along,

they'll come along.

So, I've stopped looking. I just can't be bothered.

Is that bad?

I'm just... I'm fed up with the whole thing, really, you know?

Fed up with meeting men who all turn out to be arseholes.

Yeah, what about a woman? Have you ever tried a woman?

Are you going to eat that?

All I want is someone manly, kind, and gorgeous, who makes me laugh.

Who's got a great job. Something ethical,

I don't know, but that he's passionate about

and he makes money out of it.

And he knows when to act like a kid, and when to act like a man.

And he's taller than me.

And he's caring and considerate.

Oh, and he's got a great chest.

And he tidies up. Oh, and he doesn't hate my parents.

And he loves dogs, and he works out but he doesn't over do it, you know.

And he can cook - and he'll make me a really nice big breakfast,

and call me sweet girl in bed and look me in the eyes when he comes.

Right, so, picky and desperate.

I'd stick with the cinema.

Erm, I'm going to have that, is that all right?

Yeah.

What a woman!

God, I love her!

We spent the whole weekend together.

I have never ever had so much sex.

She's wild.

So physical, so... unashamed of her sexuality.

We went to this nightclub. Man, can she drink!

And then afterwards...

The next day, right,

she took me to badminton.

Now, I have never played badminton before.

But I actually really enjoyed it.

I mean this is the incredible thing about her.

-I mean, you know what a slug I am, right?

-Yep.

She makes me want to do things! Hmm...

Like badminton.

Yeah. God, I miss her.

I know, I know, I mean how can I say that after just one weekend?

But you know, she's gone on this work trip to Toronto

and I just, I just can't wait for her to get back.

I think she could be...

No, no, I'm not, I'm not going to say that, I'm not going to say it,

I'm not going to say it...

She sounds quite...insertive.

-What?

-Sorry, I mean just a bit... masculine.

-All the activities and everything.

-Don't be silly.

Is she a bit of a tomboy? Emphasis on the boy?

She's very beautiful. Amazing legs that go on for ever.

Tall is she?

Yes, she's tall. Yes, she is.

-How tall?

-Beautiful women are tall.

Don't do this to me. It doesn't mean she's a man.

I mean, did you ever hear anybody say,

"my girlfriend's beautifully short"?

I mean, just because you sat at home

crying into your ready-made-meal-for-one,

watching endless episodes of Poirot,

hoping against hope

that your perfect man is going to somehow miraculously enter your life,

but knowing in your heart that he won't because he doesn't exist.

And even if he did exist he wouldn't fancy you,

because I think you'll find men want a bit more from a woman

than a certain flat-chested ability for admin.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that.

Anyway, how was your weekend?

When I joined this unit,

I thought I'd encountered some inspiring officers

who worked hard trying to bring criminals to justice.

How'd I end up lumbered with a walking wank stain?

You started it, calling my girlfriend a man.

I said "masculine". That is not the same thing.

Mountaineering is not just a masculine pursuit. Women also do it.

I can't believe your views of men and women are so regressive.

I can't believe you just said that.

Those words just came out of your mouth.

You're just jealous because I had a nice weekend and you didn't.

You should be pleased for me.

How was I to know that you actually did spend your weekend doing admin?

What you said was really mean.

I could have you up on a harassment charge,

-if I could be bothered with the paperwork.

-OK, OK, listen.

If you want to complain about me, I'll help you with the paperwork.

Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that thing about your...

You actually have really nice breasts. OK?

Are you happy now?

Thank you.

Ow!

Ow! We're even now.

As her English Tutor, did you have a close relationship with Laura?

If you're suspecting me for even one moment, young lady,

then you are horribly misguided.

I doubt a woman of your beauty and perception

would be making such a mistake.

Those words might work on your students, Professor,

but they won't work on me.

Yes, Laura and I were partners.

Partners in our examination of romantic imagination.

She adored my book on Romanticism, Surplus Value, And Alienated Labour.

Oh, you've written a book!

Can I have that title again?

Romanticism, Surplus Value And Alienated Labour.

Surplus Value And Alienated what?

-Labour!

-As in, as in job?

-No, as in economic oppression!

Did she ever mention anyone that she had problems with?

Or was scared of?

No. Although she had recently fallen in with a very strange crowd.

How do you mean?

Well students can form strange cliques within Universities.

And cliques within cliques.

You're the second person to have said that to us.

Come see for yourself.

Oh, what a bunch of weirdos. Who are they?

They are post-genderists.

-Laura's friends?

-Those blokes?

They're not blokes - they're women.

Although you can't call them that, obviously.

Because they're post-genderists.

They're not women.

Despite appearances, they are what the rest of us

would describe as women.

Although, they themselves have moved beyond such distinctions.

There is no way that that one there,

the one with the Hitler hairdo, is anything other than a gay bloke.

-You don't know he's gay.

-You see? You said "he".

He's saying he's a she.

She is a she.

Go and talk to them - you'll soon find out.

Can you tell us the way to Laura's room?

Something a bit too bloody perfect about this Laura girl,

don't you think?

Behind closed doors, bet she sucked cock like she was stealing petrol.

You're repellent. She's dead.

Come on, don't tell me you buy this perfect image.

Do you know, I did find that English Professor a bit creepy.

-I thought you liked him.

-I could see a student falling for his...

romantic, pseudo-intellectual bollocks.

Yeah? Unlike you.

I so do not fancy him.

Hey, if he tidied himself up?

-Shut up.

-Come on, you simpered.

I did not simper. I've never simpered.

I don't even know what simpering is.

It's what you did with him.

Yeah, but you're right - there's something wrong about him.

And that scary gender woman.

Professor Hunt?

Yeah, the Lesbitarian.

Too bloody forthright, don't you think?

-Do you think she's hiding something?

-Meh.

Hey. Look at this.

Friends?

Or lovers?

Told you. Clam-digger.

-Rug-muncher.

-Please, stop going on.

Yes, maybe Laura was gay. Or bi-curious.

I don't know why you find it so fascinating,

you have to go on and on with this list of names like a four-year-old.

I'm not. I'm just saying I told you it was sexual. That's all.

We don't even know that.

Listen,

this is a murderer we're after,

who knows if they're are going to kill again?

We need to go under cover. Mature student.

Professor of Gender Studies.

Oh, you could definitely look like one of those.

Because you look so intelligent.

Oh, thank you young man.

It's not a problem.

You're very kind.

There you go. Have a nice day.

Oh, god, he was gorgeous.

-Ow!

-Ow!

Aw! What are you doing?

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, you're bleeding, I'm really sorry.

Oh, god, it's really bleeding.

I er, I run a small environmental consultancy.

We help big corporations become greener.

So, obviously business is booming at the minute and yeah,

we've had a really good year.

-Wow.

-Tell you what, I'll do you a deal.

I'll get the next ones, if you promise never to head butt me again.

-Yeah?

-I promise.

-Right. Let's celebrate, champagne!

-I think it's stopped?

-Has it?

How about the guilt.

Oh, god!

Sweet girl.

Sweet girl. Oh, my god!

Hi, my name's Rod.

My name's Roderick.

Hey, hey what's up?

I think we're all on the same course together. Yeah.

You guys are studying Women & Gender Studies like me?

Can we help you with something?

Well yeah, like I said I'm new and I'm on the same course as you guys.

I mean, sorry, you people

and erm, you know, I was,

I was just wondering, er, what, er, what books I should get?

The books on the syllabus might be a good place to start.

Yeah, yeah well you know, I've done those obviously.

But now I'm thinking, what next? You know, erm ...

Hey, what's that, what's that you're reading there? What's that?

Oh right, yeah, right,

yeah, is that good?

Are you interested in post-structural philosophy?

Oh God, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely, yeah.

-Well, then you might enjoy it.

-Right, OK.

Hey - talking of. Have you heard the good news?

-You're actually studying Geography?

-Ha. No, no erm ...

Yeah good, no, the Pakistani Government right,

have given trannies their own gender category on passports.

Right. Have a good trip.

Don't be like that. I thought you'd be pleased like me.

Hey. What's your name?

What's your name? Come on,

I'll find out at the next seminar on gayness in Hindu mythology.

I'm Rainbow. This is Leaf.

Rainbow? Leaf?

What? Were your parents hippies? Or just mad and cruel?

-Don't be so rude! They're genderless names.

-No they're not.

Rainbow isn't genderless. That's definitely female.

-What? No it's not!

-Yes it is!

No bloke is going to be called Rainbow. But a girl might be.

Now Leaf - that is genderless. That's a good name.

Well done Leaf. But Rainbow - that's girlie.

Like, er, like Cinnamon. Or Daffodil. Girlie name.

That's nonsense! And what's your name Mr Mature Student?

Oh, yeah, my name's Roger. Hi.

Roger, hi.

Hey, did you hear about what happened to that Laura girl?

Scary. Freaky, huh?

I'm sure we'll all somehow manage to get over our grief.

Laura had a knack of rubbing people the wrong way.

Really? How was that?

Why you so interested in her?

Hey, I'm just, I'm just interested 'sall.

Was it cause of someone she was boning?

Your phallogocentricism is pathetic.

No, mine isn't.

-So, er, were you her girlfriend or something?

-Don't be so offensive!

Hey, what's offensive about that?

I mean, you could be her girlfriend?

Unless you're a homophobic? I hope you're not!

-Of course she's not!

-Yeah?

-We don't think in established,

restrictive, cultural, sexual terms.

Right, yeah? What, why's that?

-We're post-biological.

-Right.

What's up with you.

Are you like this because you think it's trendy?

Roger, can I suggest you steer clear of me, please?

Or I'll report you to the Dean for your remarks.

Ten years - I bet you're all married with three kids.

I'm glad she's dead.

Oh, hey, Professor Hunt.

I'm sorry, it's me? DI Armstrong.

But er, don't, don't let on that I'm anything other than a mature student.

-OK, because Laura's killer might be in the room.

-Fine.

Don't be alarmed if I push for an emotional response from the kids.

It's what I do. OK?

Laura's killer may be suppressing anxiety.

Might reveal itself if pushed. OK?

Don't touch me.

Oh, right, er... Yeah, well, I'm sorry.

Thank you.

Thank you very much, Professor Hunt, for those kind words.

Hey... All right?

So, who was persuaded by Butler's theory,

that our binary definitions

-of gender and sex are the result of so-called Performativity?

-Hey,

has anyone read this?

Yeah? It's fascinating.

A Cyborg Manifesto -

Science, Technology, And Socialist-Feminism

In The Late Twentieth Century.

Hmm? It's a quick, easy read.

But very interesting, although, I did take issue with her ideas

that, er, women would be better off as robots.

Yeah, I found that a bit wrong, actually.

A bit offensive. Yeah?

Haraway's not really saying women should be robots.

The idea of the cyborg is clearly a metaphor

in which she's trying to refigure the anachronistic

and established hierarchies of male dominance.

Yeah, right, well, I mean, I've got all that obviously and er... Really?

Well, maybe it's not just a metaphor?

Developments in cloning and parthenogenesis

mean that in a hundred years, there may not be any more men.

Do we all know what parthenogenesis is?

Ian?

I don't exactly know what it means.

It's when sex for reproduction is obsolete.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, yeah.

Rainbow can't wait for sex to become obsolete, can you, Rainbow?

I want women to be freed from their social and biological obligations.

That might well include sex.

That will never happen though, will it, Professor?

Having sex by yourself?

Many organisms already reproduce without sex

or a male partner.

Lots of insects

and amphibians.

I've been reading about a Mexican lizard that reproduces by itself.

Got it.

Hey, babe.

Yeah, I'm in a seminar on gender talking about sex.

Yeah, OK, OK, well, yeah, you finish off your round of golf

and we'll talk later. All right?

All right, OK, bye, babe.

My girlfriend.

We don't really allow phones in seminars.

Sure. But that was important.

As I was saying,

I want women to be freed from their social and biological obligations.

Which might well include sex.

Yeah, but what you're forgetting in all this Rainbow, is,

who's going to put up your shelving, huh?

Cos women are rubbish at that, aren't they?

Your views are depressing and reductive.

Just cos you can't get laid.

Social progress only comes when we move beyond our gender differences.

All right, all right, love, don't go on!

I'm not prepared to share a room with this man anymore.

Oooh!

HE LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY

If cloning would mean an end to men like you...

bring it on.

HE WHISTLES

Something I said? Huh!

How's Dan?

Danielle? Yes, she's great. Still in the States.

She's gone fishing today, actually.

We've been speaking on the phone.

She talks the most filthy phone sex I have ever heard.

That's nice.

I mean stuff that I'm actually like, you know, woah, please.

Hey, hey, last night, in the bath,

she got me to shave my...

Yeah.

Sounds lovely though.

JACK'S PHONE RINGS

-Oh, hey, it's her.

-Oh, that's good.

Hi, darling. How are you?

Really? Well listen, listen, I'm in the car right now,

so, so can we, can we talk later? Yeah! Yeah!

Especially if it's going to be like last time.

Yeah, OK, well look, I tell you

why don't you go and do that and we'll talk later.

Yeah, OK, not, not right now, darling.

OK, OK, OK, yeah.

Pussy loves you too.

OK? All right? Yeah, bye, bye. Bye.

So, er, look tomorrow, what do you want to do? Want to meet at the Uni?

Or do you want to meet here for coffee first?

What did she... What was Dan's nick-name for you?

-Sorry?

-Well, I couldn't quite hear, she called you...?

She has a nick-name for me, yeah.

What is it?

She calls me pussy. What's wrong with that?

-Nothing wrong with that.

-No, there is nothing wrong with that.

I just... I think it is quite a male thing to do, isn't it?

Give people nick-names.

I don't know. Women don't really tend to give people

nick-names in that way.

OK, do you want a lift home or not?

Because I'm quite happy to do not.

I definitely do, Pussy. Thank you.

Oy, yoy, yoy.

Hey!

Morning, candy pants.

Morning.

You look so beautiful in the morning, you know.

Even with your messy hair.

Thank you so much for dinner last night. It was amazing.

No, you're all right. I've er, I've done you some breakfast.

Oh God, wow!

It's a... It's a full English.

There's eggs - poached and fried,

French toast, normal toast, some mushrooms in like cream and spinach.

Tomatoes, beans, sausage. Two kinds of bacon,

Bubble and squeak, black pudding and hash brown.

-And pancakes.

-Yeah, a la Liam, my speciality.

And what's this, under here?

Oh, right, that was meant to be a bit of a surprise, that's er ...

-Woah, fried kidneys.

-Oh, kidneys!

So you're going to be joining me, right?

No, no, I couldn't honestly. It's for you.

TIMER BLEEPS

Oh, that'll be the croissants.

Croissants?

Do you know what I've realised?

I'm redundant. That's what I've learned.

-No, you're not.

-Yes I am.

Go on, you tell me what I'm good for, go on?

Lots of things.

You're very good at investigating crimes.

Yeah, yeah I am.

But actually if you think about it, any woman can do what I can do.

-Don't you think?

-Well...yeah.

I mean, you don't actually need us anymore for anything.

That's the point.

You, being women.

In 150 years time

you won't even need me to fertilise your eggs anymore.

You being men. Not you being you?

You'll be able to carry the baby and be the father.

Well, that's what I've learned from that

Lesbie-cyborg manifesto shit that I read last night!

Yeah, most women won't want to do that.

You'll be able to reproduce inside yourselves, like a,

like a Mexican lizard.

I mean you used to need us

for hunting and protection and procreation.

But now you can just go shopping on line for all that shit!

We're superfluous.

-I'm superfluous.

-No you're not.

Dan loves you. You're not superfluous to her.

When's she back?

Oh, I don't know. She's gone hunting up in the mountains.

Christ, I miss her.

C'mon, lets go to work.

You sure she's out?

Yeah she's at a seminar on feminism and childbirth.

Right.

Here we go.

Hi.

-All right?

-Hi.

Oh. What's the problem.

I can't do it. It's too difficult.

-Oh God, these things never work.

-C'mon, yes they do.

OK then, you have a go, go on, go on.

See?

What are you doing?

We've just...

come to find out...

Why you are not in your seminar.

Because, there isn't a seminar today.

Right, enough of this crap,

listen, you gob-shite. We're cops and we've come to search your room,

in connection with the death of Laura Edwards.

If you're cops, I'm Naomi Campbell.

Well then, you're Naomi Campbell.

You're not.

You're nothing like as beautiful as her.

But by your logic - you are her.

Hello, Rainbow.

We've searched your room.

I know. I let you in.

You can lose that tone...Julie.

Do you mind if we call you Julie? Seeing as that is your real name.

Julie Brown of 22, Parsons Lane, Bedford.

-You need to talk to us, Rainbow.

-Julie.

Or you could find the water around you getting very hot.

Why am I meant to talk? I haven't done anything.

"I'm glad she's dead." Your words.

-Did you say that?

-Yes, Your Honour.

-Because it doesn't sound good.

I've got nothing to say.

You need to tell us, Julie.

-I know my rights.

-You've got a lot of explaining to do,

for instance, do you recognise these?

We found them in your room.

Do you know what this is?

-It's a female breast.

-Yes...it...is.

-Whose breast, Julie?

-Not yours.

-You sure about that?

What's this?

It's a thigh.

Is it?

Oh, yeah. So it is.

Do you know where we found these pictures of naked bodies?

This...shit.

In the middle drawer of my desk.

That's right. Your desk. Middle drawer.

Didn't I just say that?

It's Laura, isn't it?

It's for an art project I was working on

on the objectification of the female form.

There's lots of male photos too.

Yeah, I know. We've seen them.

-Did you like them?

-No, I did not.

Admit it.

-Admit what?

-We know this is Laura

because we know she had this tattoo.

And the lab have just confirmed it.

Admit it.

-Yes, it's Laura.

-Yes!

-She was on my course. We were working on the project together.

-Oh, really?

The "taking clothes off and taking photos of each other" part of the course?

-I don't think that's in the prospectus.

-No, it's not.

We were doing the project together. It was going to be in The Union bar.

Ask the bar manager. Ask Professor Hunt. She knew about it.

-But it never happened, did it?

-Why didn't it happen?

Why did you hide the photos, Julie?

-They weren't hidden.

-Did you two fall out?

Why did you fall out?

Why did you fall out?!

-Stop shouting. Why are you always shouting?

-I'M NOT SHOUTING!

This is shouting! I'll shout if I want to shout!

I'll shout because we're dealing with a dead girl here!

A girl who had her whole life ahead of her.

HAD her whole life ahead of her. But that's gone now

because she's been killed

and I'm looking at your pervy pictures of her naked body

and I'm hearing you say, "I'm glad she's dead."

So, you better come clean about what happened between you and Laura

or I swear to God,

your life as you know it, sweetheart, is over.

Yes, we were lovers.

But then...

..she left me.

She started seeing a man.

A man? The ultimate insult.

She said she was one of us.

Who was she seeing, Julie?

She betrayed everything I believed in.

End of the day, that's all she wanted.

Just like every other weak bitch on this planet,

enthralled to the male member.

Which man, Julie?

I don't know.

Some dick. Does it matter?

She kept it a secret from me.

But I didn't kill her.

I promise you.

I promise.

Thank you, Rainbow.

I think I know which man Laura was seeing.

Ball in!

Now! Drive! Drive!

Drive! Drive! Drive!

Drive! Drive!

-Come on!

-Right, here we go.

-Drive!

Yeah, so I was seeing her.

I thought we were in love. Turns out we weren't.

Turns out she was only interested in my body.

I thought she'd fallen for my sense of humour, my personality.

Really?

She hurt me.

I think she hurt a lot of people in the end.

We had to keep our love a secret.

I say love - I mean sex, really.

I realise now that's all I was to her.

I was just a penis. A piece of flesh to be used.

God.

That's all she wanted me for.

Why'd you have to keep it a secret?

In case her friends found out. She was scared of them.

That Post-gender lot. Rainbow.

You've met them. They're on your course.

Yeah, Ian, do you remember, we just spoke about this, didn't we?

I'm not a mature student. I'm a police officer.

-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah.

The Post-gender lot would have been angry if they knew

Laura was having sex with a man.

With men, I should say.

Laura saw lots of men, turns out. And women.

I don't want to disrespect her, cos she's dead,

but turns out she was a bit of a slapper.

But I didn't kill her. I promise you.

We believe you.

We need some names.

Cos one of her lovers might have killed her.

The only one I know for sure is,

she was shagging her English professor - what's-it? Westlake.

Yeah.

She used to tell me how he'd bend her over the sofa

and give her both barrels during tutorials.

-(VOICE BREAKS)

-I really miss her.

Hey, it's OK. Go on.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yes!

Yes, I lied to you! Of course I lied to you.

Do you have any idea what this would do to my career if it came out?

We're going to find out.

Please, please.

You would destroy me. I...

I would lose my, my...

my scholarships, my reputation. My career would be over.

I did nothing wrong.

Apart from breaking college rules about tutor-undergraduate relations?

Nothing illegal.

Nothing you yourself wouldn't have done, my friend,

if this beautiful female creature

had come in and sat on your chaise longue,

opened her mind up to you.

Look, there is nothing to be gained by going public with this

because I didn't kill Laura.

I was in The Lake District, giving a reading on False Consciousness

on the day she died. 200 people were there, and you can check.

Oh, we will.

Can I let you both into a little secret?

I suspect that she may have been seeing other people.

Behind my back.

No(!)

I think we should check Professor Love's alibi,

see if he WAS at a seminar in the Lake District.

-I still think he's hiding something.

-Yeah, me too.

Maybe we should follow him?

Yeah, now we've spooked him. See where he leads.

-Can you do it?

-What?

-It's just, I can't tonight.

Liam's coming over. He's going to cook me guinea fowl.

He's always cooking, this amazing new boyfriend of yours.

When he's not running his own successful company

or making me laugh. So, can you do it?

Come on, you've got nothing else on.

-Your boyfriend's still away, isn't she?

-Don't say that.

-What, Dan?

-Danielle!

-What?

Don't call her my boyfriend, OK?

Sorry.

It's just, when I picture her, I think of her as a man.

It's just, all the things she does,

you know, driving, racing, shooting, football.

She's a woman, OK? She's a woman.

OK. I'm sorry. Look, SHE'S not here at the moment

so please can you follow the professor tonight?

Please?

-At least someone's taking our job seriously.

-I owe you.

MUSIC: "Spooky" by Dusty Springfield

# In the cool of the evening

# When everything is getting kind of groovy

DOORBELL RINGS

# You call me up and ask me would I like to go with you and see a movie?

# First I say no, I've got some plans for tonight

# And then I stop... #

What are you up to, Professor?

HOOVER HUMS LOUDLY

Liam?

Liam.

Liam!

-Hey, snookums.

-What are you doing?

Just a quick hoover for you.

-And I've done your mirrors in the bathroom.

-Wow.

That lamp doesn't belong there, does it?

-Do you not like it there?

-Well...

It's all right, we can move it back after. Ready for dinner?

-Yeah.

-OK. Uh, hey, listen...

Come here. Sit down.

You're going to hate me for saying this

but I'm going to say it anyway.

OK...

Don't let all your bills pile up as red letters, yeah?

You've got loads of them.

Set up a direct debit and you ain't got to worry about them.

I'll do it for you if you like.

OK.

MUSIC: "It's Oh So Quiet" by Bjork

SNORING

# It's oh, so quiet

# Ssh, ssh

# It's oh, so still

# Ssh, ssh

# You're all alone

# Ssh, ssh

# And so peaceful until... #

Are you OK?

I've got my eye on you.

Have you been there all night?

Listen, I'm asking the questions here.

And my first question to you

is what is a heterosexual, student-molesting professor doing

spending the night with a lesbian?

Drive around the corner, will you?

Do you have any idea what this would do to our careers if it came out?

Especially hers.

Now, you think about it. She has built an international reputation

on the fact that she's a strident lesbian academic.

That would be in tatters if it came out she was sleeping with me.

Don't people deserve to know the truth?

People who've read her books, her magazine column,

believing she's a lesbian?

You can't do this to her.

We'd both lose our reputations, our funding.

Look, if you don't care about me,

think about all of those future generations of students,

unable to read my research

into the spread of Romantic imagination through Central Asia.

You know, this is sounding very similar to what you said

about your affair with Laura. In fact, it's exactly the same.

You really are The Slutty Professor, aren't you?

No. My relationship with Laura was pure and simple and passionate

and physical and sublime.

It was like a perfect, newly-fallen snowflake

landing on a pane of glass.

My relationship with Professor Hunt

is adult and complicated

and manipulative and dark and confused.

It's like a horse that knows it's beautiful

but is also somehow unpredictable and doomed.

OK...

so why was your relationship with Professor Hunt

like a beautiful, dark, confused horse?

Well, you know what women are like. They're impossible to understand.

It's on, it's off. They want you, they don't want you.

-They love you, they find you very, very boring.

-Yeah.

When we broke up, when she found out I was sleeping with Laura,

she was incredibly angry.

But since Laura's death, we seem to have been able

to rekindle things in a way that, you know...

(WHISTLES) ..pleases her.

OK, so...

When she discovered you were seeing Laura, she was angry?

Now that she's dead, she's happy?

Yes.

MUSIC RESUMES: "It's Oh So Quiet"

Sorry to disturb you, Professor Hunt.

We need to ask you a few more questions.

What was your relationship with Professor Westlake?

From the English Department?

Uh, yeah!

Well, he's a respected colleague.

His book on the spread of Romanticism through Central Asia is fascinating.

Is there anything else you want to add to that? At all?

You and Simon?

Given that I, uh, saw you let him into your house at 8pm last night

and he didn't leave until 8am this morning?

So this whole, er, lesbo thing - just a pose, is it?

How can you possibly be calling into question

my commitment to gender studies?

No. We're calling into question your relationship with Laura Edwards.

I was her tutor. You know that.

How long have you been having sex with Simon Westlake?

Um... That's none of your business.

We already asked him, so we know the answer.

Why don't you answer your own question, then?

Five years.

Yes. On and off, for five years. That must be about right.

But I fail to see how that relates to the death of poor Laura

or your investigation. I have a busy day

so unless you have any more questions...

I'm going to tell everyone.

-Tell them what?

-That you're a fraud. A fake lesbian.

You'll lose your fellowship, your reputation, your gay column.

Er, can you hear how thin and desperate that sounds?

Hey, if the affair's so harmless, why hide it?

Because it's private. That's why.

How did you feel when Professor Westlake started seeing Laura?

Utterly indifferent.

Really? When the man you were seeing started shagging someone else,

a student, no less, you felt nothing?

Men will be men. I suppose I was a little disappointed

by the predictability of it all, but I knew it was meaningless.

You didn't mind that he'd chosen a younger...

-Prettier.

-..more beautiful women...

a girl, really, over you?

No. He didn't choose her OVER me.

It didn't upset you that her younger body

was more appealing than your older mind?

That didn't go against your every principle, make you angry?

No. My relationship with Simon was far too capricious for that.

We were hardly about to settle down.

You had to see her every week, didn't you? She still came to your seminar.

Sitting there with her beautiful hair,

with her legs, and her face,

smelling of his bed.

You're grasping.

If I allowed myself to be distracted

by every pretty student who came into my life

or had an affair with a colleague, I'd never achieve anything.

The truth is,

I barely noticed Laura's beauty, let alone let it bother me.

I'm not that superficial.

So, unless you have anything else you want to ask,

I'd love to get on with my day.

So...

you weren't at all jealous

that he was seeing clever, beautiful Laura?

She really wasn't that clever.

Wasn't she?

Simon said she was,

really clever. And great in bed. Said she shone.

Not intellectually. He said that?

-Yeah.

-Said she was cleverer than you.

-Much.

Don't be ridiculous.

Said she was more analytical, a deeper thinker,

and that she'd write much better books than you,

really profound, sell shitloads.

-Nobody thinks that.

-Everyone thinks that.

Well, everyone is wrong.

This ridiculous "Laura is amazing" myth is based on nothing.

I taught her. I know.

She was intellectually gauche, lazy and unoriginal.

I don't know how she fooled people.

And that's what made you angry?

Yes, it made me angry.

Because she wasn't smart -

-she was just seductive.

-So you confronted her?

You might as well come clean, Donna,

because if you don't think having sex with a straight man

is going to destroy your reputation, a murder charge certainly will.

I didn't kill her. Of course I didn't.

Yes, we had an argument.

In the library. About Simon.

I don't know how it happened, but somehow we fought.

She was obscene to me.

I said to her, "You leave my man alone."

But I didn't kill her.

She fell.

I don't know how.

And then I didn't know what to do.

It was an accident.

Please believe me.

So at the end of the day,

despite her famous lesbian academic profile...

..she was just a jealous bird who fought over a bloke.

-No, I'm not.

-Ow!

You think you're so clever,

-you stupid little...

-Get off!

-Let go of her, please!

-Remember, this is a university. Think of your students.

-Ow!

-Are you all right?

-No... Yes.

Bitch! Ow!

I won't be seeing Liam again.

He just created this incredible urge in me

to have a man who comes round and ignores me while he watches football.

When's Dan getting back?

She's going to be here soon.

I hope she's as beautiful as I remember.

I hope I haven't overstated her beauty.

Is that her?

OK, can we just stop this whole "she must be a man" thing?

Cos she isn't, OK?

Now, look, I'm really sorry that your relationship is over

but she's going to be here soon

and I think that she might be the one.

OK. I'm sorry.

She's here.

MUSIC: "I'm Every Woman" by Chaka Khan

SHE GRUNTS

SHE BELCHES

I'll have one of those.

# I'm every woman

# I'm every woman... #

-I've got two to one on a suicide.

-OK. I'll have a tenner on suicide.

-Eight to one on murder.

-Are you serious?

He was going to the gym straight after the office.

SHE SOBS What are you doing?

-What?

-The woman's crying and you're staring at her tits.

As far as we know, this was the last place Ted was seen alive.

Gyms are for sad, desperate narcissists

-with a penchant for self-abuse.

-How often do you go?

-Yeah, very funny.

He's not the bloke Georgina's on a date with?

Do you want a...glass of wine?

-I would love one.

-OK.

-Georgina!

-Jack!

CRASHING

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd