Episode 3 Vexed

-Look, all I'm trying to say...

-I don't want to hear it.

It's not such a big deal!

I'm absolutely not listening.

Besides, missing persons can be a laugh.

-La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

-God, you're childish.

What? What did you just say?

Childish, you.

I'm not the one that defaced the chief constable's poster.

Right. It was meant to be a joke.

And it would have been if you were five.

"And it would have been if you were five."

Grow up.

Grow up, yourself.

You're never going to let this go, are you?

You're like a dog with a bone.

100% you that's banging on about it.

No, it's you that keeps banging on about it

with all these passive-aggressive silences.

-Can we move on?

-If someone doesn't want to talk to you,

it's not because you're dull, or they don't feel like talking,

-it's because they're being passive-aggressive?

-Me? Dull?

Well, at least you've got your sense of humour back.

Oh, here we go.

-Mrs Finch?

-Yes?

DI Dixon.

Oh, God, yeah, where the hell's my ID?

This is DI Armstrong.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

-We're here about your husband.

-Right.

I was expecting uniformed officers.

-Hey, no, don't worry, you've got the pros.

-Ah.

We're murder squad.

SHE SOBS

Erm, hm-mm.

So when was the last time that you saw your husband?

Er, yesterday morning before work.

He was going to the gym straight after the office, and, er,

I went to bed early.

So I didn't know he was missing until this morning.

What about his car? Is that missing, too?

Erm...

Yes. Well, it's not his actually.

His is in for repairs.

Again. Er, he's not a very good driver.

So the garage has loaned him one.

OK. Er, has he ever gone missing before?

No, never.

And he always calls me if he's going to be late.

Sorry.

SHE SOBS

Er, can I get you a cup of tea?

Oh, God, no. I'm absolutely fine, thank you, though.

Yeah, I'd love one, thanks, er, milk, two shugs

and a biccy would be great.

Won't be a sec.

(What are you doing?)

What?

(The woman's crying and you're staring at her tits.)

Am I being obvious?

(Is this obvious?)

-(Yes, it's obvious.)

-I can't help it.

I mean, they're practically in my lap, for Christ's sake.

-What do you mean you can't help it? Have you got no self-control?

-Yes.

Actually, no.

Well, look, if she didn't want people looking at them,

she wouldn't leave them hanging out like that, would she?

Oh. Got to go for a pee.

Hold the fort.

SHE SIGHS

Oh!

HE WHISTLES

Ooh, la la.

He's a solicitor at, er, a junior partner

at Stafford McCall on the high street.

Any difficult cases recently?

Anything that might give reason for him to be threatened?

I don't think so. He does conveyancing mainly.

Right, and that's Stafford McCall?

-Hm-mm.

-M-A-C?

-M, small C.

So, er...

So how would you describe your marriage to Ted?

Sorry?

Well, was it a very physical relationship?

Was?

Is, sorry, is a very physical relationship.

I'm sorry, I usually work homicide.

Erm, I don't see what that's got to do with Ted going missing.

Well, in order for us to build a picture of what might have happened,

we need to know everything about his life.

For example, was he unusually upset when Princess Diana died?

Er...

Er, I think we've got enough to be getting on with. Er...

Please, do give us a call if you need anything.

And we'll show ourselves out. Thank you.

Hey, and, er...

don't you worry yourself.

53% of missing persons turn up completely unharmed. OK?

Er... Right.

Thank you.

Oh, Ted.

Wh...

-What the hell was that?

-Hmmm?

You referred to her husband in the past tense.

-Where did you get 53% from?

-I made it up.

-Why?

-It's called managing expectations.

On the one hand, you're giving her hope.

It's better than 50-50.

And on the other hand, if he does turn up in a shallow grave,

it's not such a big shock.

Compassionate policing.

What's that?

Well, that'll get the curtains twitching.

A missing person and a violent burglary in the space of a week.

Well, it's big news if a dog craps on the pavement around here.

Oh, there's your next case, then.

So, what d'you find out?

Er, Ted's a solicitor, he does conveyancing, mainly.

-No, no, no, no. Red herring. Red herring.

-Er...

He goes to the gym about three times a week, er, the Westpark...

Ah, now you're getting warmer. Clues are all there.

-Where?

-In the bedroom.

-When were you in the bedroom?

-I got lost.

OK.

So, get this.

He wears ludicrously tight lycra to go cycling

and she has a well-used dildo squirreled away

where he won't find it.

Hmmm?

The guy's a rug-muncher.

How can he be a rug-muncher?

A lot of married men are, apparently. Sad but true.

You know what a rug-muncher is, don't you?

Yeah, obviously.

It's a lesbian.

No, it's not, it's a gay man.

-No, it's a gay woman.

-Ha-ha.

Think about it.

Rug muncher.

Rug-muncher.

Oh, yeah.

Rug-muncher, yeah.

Have you ever been...

munched?

-You know we were talking about inappropriate questions?

-Yeah.

-Humdinger.

-OK.

-You can't do that.

-Sorry.

-You can't do that.

-OK.

So I finally convince my partner to go into the station

and he gets in trouble for defacing the chief constable's poster.

Jack. How did they know it was you?

-CCTV camera.

-Mm-hm, in the main reception area.

So now we've been demoted to missing persons for a week.

-Listen, I said I was sorry.

-Mm-hmm. No, you didn't,

you said I should lighten up and stop taking my career so seriously.

-Did I?

-Mm-hm.

-Well, I'm sorry.

Too late.

-Hey!

-Hey. Make it a double, please, Tony. Thanks.

So, issued any parking tickets yet?

We've been demoted to missing persons, Naz, not traffic.

Well, what I love about missing persons is that you never know

what it's going to turn into. So, you know the drill, boys.

Who wants some of the action?

I got 2/1 on suicide. Fancy some of that?

OK. I'll have a tenner on suicide.

OK, Jack, £10, suicide. I've got 8/1 on murder.

I'll have a fiver on that, Tone.

Those are good odds.

8/1 murder. How about you? What you having?

You can have 2/1, death by misadventure,

13/1 that he's eloped, or,

you can sort out all your Christmas presents on a ritual beheading.

I'll give you 250/1 on that.

Are you serious?

OK, 300/1.

No, I mean, you guys are betting on the outcome of a case.

-Hey. It's sometimes how we deal with emotionally difficult cases.

-Yeah.

OK. Stick me down for a fiver that he's eloped.

Good girl.

Sorry, I forgot to mention. A body fitting Ted's description was found in the river.

-Thank-you.

-Oi!

-Oh, yes, looking like a suicide.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

It's not fair.

Well, he had a half-decent innings, I suppose. Made it to 40.

No, I mean the betting. Naz already knew about the body,

I should get my fiver back.

Well, at least it's not a missing persons any more.

Oh, and we could've been on this a week

-before we realised it was a suicide.

-It's not suicide.

Oh, come on, it's a classic suicide.

Married man, realises he's gay,

can't handle the lies and guilt, does one off the nearest bridge.

Hey! Hey!

What?

String him up and take a photo.

Ah, ha-ha.

Get him out of here.

You know, like in Jaws. Love that film.

-She's right behind you.

-What?

She's right behind you.

It's all right.

SHE SOBS

I don't think she heard.

All right. Good to go.

The family liaison officer had to sedate her. She's pretty distraught.

Should think it's a relief.

I mean, if he has been batting for the other side,

it'll be the first time she's seen him stiff in a while.

Oh, my God, there's more to marriage than sex.

Is there? I mean, in terms of upsides, is there really?

Of course there is.

-Like?

-Like...

companionship.

Having to put up with each other's annoying habits. Next?

I don't know, the joy of shared experiences.

Having to go to places you don't want to go on holiday. Next.

-Raising a family.

-The end of all-night parties and lie-ins.

-When was the last time you went to an all-night party?

-That's not the point.

If you've got kids, no-one invites you.

-When was the last time you were invited to an all-night party?

-Look, I just like the idea

-that I might be. OK?

-Uh-huh.

Right, I'm off.

-What? Where?

-Home.

-It's not even five.

-Yeah, and I've got a busy evening planned.

So, what are you up to?

Tuesday night's pub quiz night.

-It's Wednesday.

-Oh, yeah. Well, I'll probably go clubbing.

'Sadly, the male seal will never set eyes on the female seal again.'

# Non, rien de rien... #

Christ.

# Non, je ne regrette rien... #

Stupid programme.

# Ni le bien

# Qu'on m'a fait

# Ni le mal

# Tout ca m'est bien egale

# Non, rien de rien

# Non, je ne regrette rien

# C'est paye

# Balaye

# Oublie

# Ca commence avec toi. #

JACK SIGHS

DOORBELL PLAYS FANFARE

JACK SCOFFS

Why do people have these stupid doorbell tunes?

I mean, what's wrong with a bell?

Maybe some people think that's boring.

It's a door bell, it's not meant to be exciting.

It's a noise that tells you somebody's at the door.

DOORBELL PLAYS FANFARE

I mean, after the first ding you know someone's there, right?

But then you've got to listen to the rest of the ding dong, ding dong

without it telling you anything you don't already know.

Were you lonely as a child?

Oh, hi.

Sorry, II was asleep.

We're sorry to bother you again, we just have a few more questions.

It won't take long.

Er...

Sure, no problem. Come in.

So, do you think it was suicide?

Yeah, hopefully.

I mean, it's... less distressing than murder

for you and your...your family.

Was Ted a strong swimmer?

Oh, yes, he was.

He loved swimming.

OK.

Would you say he'd ever suffered from depression?

No, he was generally a pretty happy person.

He didn't suffer any great mood swings or anything.

Any problems at work or any money worries at all?

No, he loved his work and it paid pretty well.

Enough for us, anyway.

Are you aware of any issues that Ted may have had with gambling

or with drugs?

Oh, no, absolutely not.

Ted was very...cautious and he hated gambling.

And drugs really weren't his thing.

Was Ted gay?

Er, er...

No, of course he wasn't gay!

Sometimes suicide can be motivated by the burden of a secret

-that's very difficult to share.

-CREAKING

That is ridiculous. We have been married for ten years.

He wasn't gay.

Sorry.

Sometimes we have to ask difficult questions.

Can I use your bathroom?

Sure, erm, it's, erm, upstairs

and it's first on the right.

-First on the right?

-Yes.

-Thank you.

Mrs Finch, would you mind taking me through

the events of Ted's last few days?

(Hello?)

Hi.

Erm.

I'm s... Sorry, I'm Charlie...

..a family friend.

DI Armstrong.

Right, yes, I was, erm, I was just, er,

I was just...leaving.

Do you mind me asking what you're doing in here?

Er, well, Lucy was upset. Obviously. Well, you would be, wouldn't you?

Yeah, I suppose.

So I... I just popped over for some,

er, moral support.

-Moral support?

-Mm-hm.

Upstairs?

Yes.

Why?

-Am I smelling lavender oil?

-Oh! No, yes, look it's not what you...

No, no, no, no, that's, that's definitely lavender oil.

Yes, no, it was, Lucy was, er, tense and wanted a massage.

So I offered.

I've... I've done a course.

You've done a course?

Well, don't let me keep you.

No, right, no, er, yes.

OK.

Just, er...

How did Ted get on with his colleagues at the firm?

Er...

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

I, er,

I just bumped into Frank upstairs.

-Actually it's, er, Charlie.

-Sorry, Charlie.

Upstairs.

Bye, Charlie.

Bye, Lucy.

I'll just, er...

see myself out.

Family friend.

Close family friend?

I agree, it's suspicious, but, without hard evidence,

-we shouldn't draw any conclusions.

-That is the hard evidence.

He gave her a massage.

That's it? He gave her a massage, therefore they're having an affair.

Yeah. There is no such thing as a non-sexual massage.

What? You're not serious?

Having someone rub their oily hands all over your naked body,

that, in the real world, is known as foreplay.

It's not necessarily sexual.

It is an ancient form of mental and physical therapy.

It's just an excuse to be felt up by a stranger.

Which, as we all know, is the number one female fantasy.

I have a sports massage from a female masseuse once a month.

Interestingly,

being felt up by a male stranger is only the number two female fantasy.

Do you spend a lot of time on the internet?

Hey.

I bet you I can get a confession out of him in five minutes.

To the murder?

No, to shagging the victim's missus.

OK.

-Fiver.

-You're on.

-Just the second door on the left.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-(Five minutes from when we get in the room.)

-OK.

So, five minutes from now.

Oh? Morning, please, yes, er, take a seat.

Yes, sit down, make yourself comfortable.

So you were Ted's boss, right?

Er, well, no, no, not exactly.

Er, I mean, I've been here longer than him, so I'm a senior partner.

But, erm, no, I never saw him as my junior,

just as a friend and, and a colleague.

And how long have you been friends with Ted and Lucy?

Er, well, er, pretty much since he joined the firm.

So that's what? Almost nine years now.

You're married, right?

Er, yes, yes, to Sarah. Yes. We have two beautiful children.

Hm. And how long have you been popping around

to give Lucy a massage?

Er, no. Ha-ha.

No, no, erm, that was the first time.

And does Sarah know that you have this kind of relationship with Lucy?

What do you mean?

No, look, we're just friends. I've already told you that.

Yeah, you have,

but I find it very suspicious that 24 hours after we drag Ted's body

from the river, you've got your oily hands all over his widow.

OK, look, there is nothing sexual about a proper massage.

It's actually an ancient form of mental and...and physical therapy.

Yeah, well, not at the Ace Sauna and Massage Parlour, it isn't.

What?

Apparently.

Right.

OK, well, I...

wouldn't know about...that.

Look, honest, there's really nothing between us.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Well, I don't believe you.

I'll tell you what, I'm going to phone forensics right now

and have them go over Lucy's bedroom, bathroom and underwear.

Yours too. And if they find any trace of physical intimacy

between the two of you,

I'm going to get your wife in for questioning.

And we all know what that means, don't we, Charlie?

Now, have you been knobbing Lucy?

OK, look, yes.

Fine, er,

we've been seeing each other.

Don't you lie to us again.

Or we'll have you down the station faster than you can say happy ending.

Oh, there was one more thing.

Are you handling Ted's will here at the firm?

Yes, erm...

Yes, yes, we have a reciprocal arrangement here

whereby the partners take care of each others' legal affairs.

It, erm, keeps down on costs.

-A-ha, and did he have life insurance?

-Er, yes, yes, I think he did.

-How much was it worth?

-Well, I don't know exact...

It was 300,000.

-Hmm.

-OK.

Where were you on the night that Ted went missing?

At home. With my wife.

OK, look.

All right. I popped round to see Lucy after work.

Cos you knew Ted was at the gym.

Yes.

But, look, I was home by eight.

My wife will verify that.

We'll see, won't we?

You go first.

-So what do you reckon?

-He had a motive. Two, actually.

Sex and money.

Are there ever any others?

Plenty.

-Like what?

-Er, revenge?

Yeah, well, apart from revenge.

Hatred, jealousy, rage, religion.

Power.

Yeah, well, round here, it's only ever sex and money.

With Ted in the freezer, Lucy stands to inherit the house

plus 300 grand and Charlie gets Lucy.

Could've been either of them.

Nah, they may be other things, but they're not murderers.

Hey! Hey!

Right!

Oh, God, do we have to do this?

Oh.

JACK PANTS

Yeah, well done. Thought I'd let you handle this one,

good for your confidence.

Hello, George.

Don't worry about him, he's with me.

Dad?!

I've taken early retirement.

What?

It's time to move on, love.

I've done my bit, 31 years serving the community.

But you love the job, it's your life.

It was. Just not all of it.

Anyway, things have changed.

When I joined, you spent your time being a copper,

now, it's all about paperwork and petty bureaucracy.

-No, it's not.

-Back in the good old days,

you could get on with the job

-without always looking over your shoulder. Hello, Tony.

-Excuse me.

Hey, Pete? What are you doing round here?

I'm an entrepreneur now, mate.

Peter Dixon Home Security. There you go.

Nice one.

You two know each other?

We play in the police poker league together.

-"Beat the bad guys."

-Yeah.

I thought of adding to a pulp, but I thought it probably wouldn't play

with the liberal middle classes.

So, where are you based?

Back of the van at the moment,

I'm looking into some serviced offices just up the road.

Got to go where the money is.

Eh? Here, you must know George.

This is your George?

The one and only, the apple of my eye.

I always thought George was your son.

-Ha!

-Ha-ha-ha.

Look, I'll let you two get on and chat, yeah?

I got work to do. I'll catch you later.

-Not unless I catch you first.

-Hey!

-Hey!

Dad!

Why didn't you tell me you were here?

I wanted to surprise you.

What are you doing putting out fake incident boards? That's illegal.

Ah, now, that is a clever marketing strategy.

A few days before we drop leaflets in an area,

we stick out a few incident signs. Muggings, murders, burglaries.

-Then we sit back and wait for the phone to ring. Nice, eh?

-You can't do that.

-Can't do what?

Put out fake incident boards.

Oh, yeah, I want to have a word with you about that.

-That is genius.

-What!?

Look, even better, we'll tell you whenever there's a murder

or something. You can do some cold calling in the area.

You're a lucky girl having a boss like that.

Watch and learn, my girl, watch and learn.

Yeah, she's a good kid.

Come on, on your feet. We've got a case to solve.

In a minute.

He's not my boss.

OK, well, I'll just be waiting outside for you, then.

He's not my boss.

Must be nice, having your dad move in in the area.

Yeah, can I ask you a favour?

Sure, what?

Just don't encourage him.

-What do you mean?

-He'll be offering you commission

-before you know it.

-Hey, bring it on.

-What?

Look, he's in the business of preventing crime.

We're in the business of solving it.

The more crime he prevents, the less we have to solve,

everyone's a winner.

Oh, no!

Are you a member of a gym?

Gyms are for sad, desperate narcissists

with a penchant for self-abuse.

-So how often do you go?

-Yeah, very funny.

I mean, seriously, who wants to drag themselves out of bed

on a Sunday morning, come down here,

do an hour on a treadmill, looking at a wall?

Presumably people who enjoy the benefits of being fit,

the natural high of endorphins.

What's wrong with a lie-in and a good shag.

Or even a bad shag, for that matter.

Yeah, the problem is,

unless you keep in shape, you're likely to wake up alone,

ergo, no shag, good or bad.

Which brings us full circle back to self-abuse.

Excuse me, can you tell me where the manager's office is, please?

Yeah, sure.

I have to go, I've got some people here.

All right, OK, bye-bye.

Sorry about that.

So how can I help?

Edward Finch, do you recognise him?

Erm, yes,

I think he's a member.

Not any more. He's dead.

-What?

-We pulled him out of a river yesterday.

Oh, my God, this is awful.

How well did you know him?

Well, not that well.

You know, I try to get to know all of our members.

Who'd he hang out with?

Like I said, I didn't really know him very well.

You married?

-Yes.

-Kids?

Erm, yes, I have two children.

Why? What's that got to do with anything?

They your kids?

Are they mine? Yes, of course they are!

Cute.

MUSIC: "Satisfaction" by Benny Benassi

See what I mean? Like hamsters on a wheel.

All beating themselves up because they can't get laid.

What's the typical profile of your members?

Er, men mostly, about 60%, 30 to 40 years,

professional types.

Sexual orientation?

I don't think that's any of our business.

No? I'd want to know what's going on in the showers if I were you.

I don't know what sort of club you think we're running,

but we're not like that.

Really?

MUSIC: "Moves Like Jagger" by Maroon 5

As far as we know, this was the last time Ted was seen alive.

Did you see him on Monday?

Monday? Erm, it is very busy on a Monday, it's busy most nights.

Do you keep a log of when members enter and exit the club?

Erm, yes, they have to swipe their cards in and out.

Do you think you can get us a list of who was here that evening?

Erm, sure.

-Erm, just give me a minute?

-OK.

That looks like Tony.

That is Tony.

Let me get this straight,

you've been a member of a gym for six months

and you've never mentioned it once.

-Haven't I?

-No, you have not.

Anyway, don't worry, there's nothing to be embarrassed about, much.

I ain't embarrassed.

Jack thinks gyms are for self-abusing narcissists.

Now, that's not exactly what I said.

Yeah, it is. Lonely saddos who can't get a date anywhere else.

Yeah, well.

You know, it's better than that plump, paunchy look

men get around about 40.

There are plenty of other ways of staying in shape

other than going to the gym.

Then why are you so flabby?

Why are you two so obsessed by losing weight?

Look, here it is.

Edward Finch arrived at the gym at 6:38

and left the gym at 11:06.

Jesus, what time does this place stay open till?

-Midnight.

-What was he doing there for four and a half hours?

Do you know what, guys? You two should join the gym.

Check it out, see who's who.

-I don't think so.

-No, no, no. You can go in under-cover stylie,

don't let them know you're cops.

And you could use the time to get yourself in shape, Jack.

Yeah, I suppose I could lose a couple of pounds.

-Just a couple?

-Literally, it's just your tummy.

No, no, no, no, that was relaxed.

Now try it, go on.

Yeah, it's just your tummy, literally.

MUSIC: "Pump It Up" by Danzel

Oh! Bloody hell.

Oh! Bollocks!

God damn!

-How you doing? Good?

-Yeah, yeah. Great.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

-Start with something light.

-And build your way up.

-Yeah.

-It's a simple exercise. Curls.

Ready? Just look straight.

-One.

-I got it, yeah.

Two. Look at the muscle. Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Got it.

-Yeah.

-Pretty simple.

-Thanks.

-Right, go on, have a go.

-OK.

-Back straight.

-OK.

Pull your belly in. Let's do it.

OK.

OK. OK.

Breathe, breathe, breathe. Breathe from here.

I'm going to go have a run, yeah? Warm up.

Yeah, you go ahead. Thanks.

Hmmmm.

Hm!

Oh.

HE PANTS

Hmm!

Wowzer.

Oh! Oh.

Oh!

Ooh. Ah!

Ah.

MUSIC: "Perfect Exceeder" by Mason Vs Superstar

Excuse me, have we met before?

Don't think so.

Are you a friend of Ted's?

-Never heard of him.

-Ted Finch?

-No, sorry.

-OK.

Ted Finch recommended the club to me, do you know him?

He's like, er, six one, dark hair, pale skin.

-He's a mad keen cyclist.

-Nah, sorry.

-When did you join the club?

-About six months ago.

Your BMI's too high. You're carrying too much flab, mate.

-Oi, get off!

-Look.

Feel that. Go on.

Jesus!

They're like concrete.

That's amazing.

You work hard enough, you'll have a couple of these bad boys.

Now, come on, come on! Hundred. Pump, pump.

# Right hand in the air

# Left hand in the air

# Everybody in the air

# Let's go in the air

# Right hand in the air

# Left hand in the air

# Everybody in the air

# Let's go in the air

# Slide to the right, right

# Slide to the left, left

# Slide to the front, front

# Bring it, bring it back, back

# Slide to the right. #

Woo!

It's very brave of you to be the only guy in the class.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thought it was going to be a bit more mixed.

-Sorry, I'm Mack by the way.

-I'm Georgina.

Haven't, haven't seen you here before.

No, I'm new.

I was introduced to the club by Ted Finch, do you know him?

Er, no, don't think so. Anyway, nice to meet you, Georgina.

Nice to meet you. Erm, Georgie.

-Georgie. Right, well...

-All right. Bye.

Phewph.

Got a real kick off those endorphins.

Feel so energised, so pumped.

I tell you, I'm going to get so ripped.

So what about the case?

What about it?

Did you meet anyone? Make any contacts?

Give us a chance. Slowly, slowly catchy monkey.

Slowly, slowly catchy monkey?

You got it.

That's a really creepy expression.

-You got to breathe, that's why you passed out.

-Yeah.

You still feeling a bit sore?

Yeah, I am a bit stiff on the right, right shoulder.

You write this down. Your programme for the next six months, yeah?

-OK, OK. Hang on a minute, let me just...

-Remember.

-OK.

-High volume.

-High volume.

-Tony.

-Medium...

-Sorry, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony!

-I can't write if you're doing that.

-Oh, look, I'll do it then.

High volume, medium intensity.

-Right.

-A lot of reps, very little weightage.

-Little weight is good.

-Little weight is good.

-Hey?

-Hey.

-How's it going?

Well, the case has taken a back seat

-to Jack's body-building programme, obviously.

-Yeah, well,

-you know what they say, slowly, slowly...

-Catchy monkey.

Yeah, Jack says that all the time.

That's right, that's right. And you've got the sit downs.

-Sit downs?

-Yeah.

-What's this?

-Autopsy results back.

-Well, it's just as we thought. He drowned.

-Yeah, and?

Bruising to his right elbow and right knuckle.

So you think he was in a fight?

Well, possibly, but there's no bruising to his head

and no other signs of any struggle.

But we did find alcohol in his system,

you know, traces of wine in his stomach.

Plus, he was on anti-depressants and steroids.

-Steroids?

-Uh-hmm.

OK, what about the car?

Any vehicles that have been stolen or abandoned didn't match.

Your whole suicide theory rests on him being gay,

for which you have absolutely no evidence.

You're determined I don't win this bet, aren't you?

I don't give a toss about the bet, I just want to solve this case.

You don't do that by having hunches and finding evidence that fits.

-Why not?

-Because it's just not how you're supposed to do it, Jack.

-What? You don't have theories?

-I have instincts but, no.

I just gather evidence until an answer reveals itself.

Or until you bore your partner to death.

Let's call it a day.

We'll head back to the gym tomorrow.

# Right hand in the air

# Left hand in the air

# Everybody in the air

# Let's go in the air

# Right hand in the air

# Left hand in the air

# Everybody in the air

# Let's go in the air

# Slide to the right, right

# Slide to the left, left

# Slide to the front, front

# Bring it, bring it back, back

# Slide to the right, right. #

Well, technically, I'm unemployed, probably unemployable too.

-Horrible boss let you go?

-No, no, no, no.

I sold my software company a couple of months ago.

-Should keep me in tea and toast for a few weeks.

-Sounds all right.

-Yeah.

I've worked for myself for too long.

I don't think I could cope with being told what to do.

So not married then?

No, no, no, no. Relationships take time, don't they?

And I never had any.

Worked my butt off for ten years to the exclusion of...

pretty much everything.

-Yeah, OK.

-So, I'll see you.

-OK, perfect, bye.

-Bye.

-Hey, how was the Zumba?

-It was fun.

-Yeah?

-Silly, but fun.

Hey, tell you what, why don't we put in some overtime tonight, huh?

We could get a take away, make a thing of it.

What do you say?

I can't, I have...

Meeting dad and...

he's coming over for dinner and I'll feel really bad if I blow him out.

OK.

-I'll see you tomorrow?

-Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Have a nice evening.

How's it going?

The calves' liver's a bit burnt, but the Merlot's all right.

-I meant with the membership list.

-Oh, God, that.

Fell asleep after a couple of pages. That stuff's more Naz's speed.

-It's not burnt, it's well done.

-Isn't that right, Naz?

Do you know how many times on average a new member visits the gym

-before cancelling?

-See what I mean? He loves it. Dunno, mate. 50?

-24?

11.

That's how they make their money.

100 quid joining fee, six months minimum membership

equates to £70 a visit.

-Bloody hell.

-Evening all.

-Hey!

Hey, what you doing here? I thought you were having dinner with George?

No. I'm playing poker with him.

-Yeah.

-Oh. Right, OK.

Got any change for the meter?

Oh, don't give me the money dance.

Well, go and sit in the car.

You go sit in the car!

It's your bloody car!

I'm not paying for the beer then.

The little minx, I thought she was up to something.

-What?

-I reckon she's gone on a date with someone from the gym.

-No, not Georgie.

-Yeah, I saw them earlier.

-Bingo.

-What?

David MacDonald. He was nailed for dealing steroids three years ago.

And he pulled a knife on the arresting officer.

-He's not the bloke Georgina's out on a date with, is he?

-Dunno.

I only saw him from behind. It's unlikely though, isn't it?

Yeah, one in 100, wouldn't worry about it.

Oh, shit.

-Hm-mm.

-Yeah.

I'm not always good with the bubbles.

-PHONE BUZZES

-Sorry, one second.

-Er, no, it's fine. Sorry.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

No, it's gone to answering machine again.

-Then text her.

-And say what? Run, he's a cop killer?

She'd think I was taking the piss.

You could get the surveillance team to run a location on her phone.

Good idea, you ring them.

That's how I found out my ex was shagging the sous chef.

Yeah, tracked her phone to a Travel Tavern on the A4.

Classy, right? Look, I'd better be going, Pete's waiting.

Naz Omar.

I'd like to run a location on a mobile phone number, please.

Quick as you can.

Jesus, I need a piss.

HE SIGHS

MUSIC: "Sweet Disposition" by The Temper Trap

# Sweet disposition

# Never too soon... #

So, this is me, do you want a glass of wine or...

# Ah, reckless abandon

# Like no-one's

# Watching you

# A moment, a love A dream, a laugh

# A kiss, a cry Our rights, our wrongs

# A moment, a love A dream, a laugh

# A moment, a love A dream, a laugh

# Just stay there

# Cos I'll be coming over

# While our blood's still young

# It's so young, it runs

# Won't stop till it's over

# Won't stop till it's over

# Won't stop to surrender... #

Jesus.

GEORGINA GIGGLES

-Georgina!

-Jack?

Argh. Oh, oooh.

-Jack!

-Aaah.

RADIO CHATTER

Thank you.

This is ridiculous. I was only taking a piss, for Christ's sake.

Yeah, but you chose to do it on her lavender.

Plus she says she got an eyeful of your knob.

Surprisingly her words, not mine.

-You're really enjoying this, aren't you?

-I am, to be honest.

-Is that bad?

-HE SIGHS

SIRENS WAIL

OK, before you say anything,

I'm sorry I messed up your date last night,

but he was a potential suspect.

-Moving on, do you want the good news?

-Yes.

-OK.

Last night, while I was at the station, I thought,

"Well, since I'm here, I might as well do some work."

I sat through five hours of CCTV footage. And guess what?

You thought it was a reality show?

No.

Ted's hire car was in town at eight o'clock

when he was supposed to be at the gym.

So what are you saying? It was stolen?

Well, either that or he wasn't at the gym.

-Oooh!

-Ah!

-Aah.

-Hey, hey. Am I forgiven?

Ish.

We've been checking through the membership list

and one name in particular stands out, a David MacDonald.

Was he here the night that Ted Finch went missing?

Erm, let's have a look.

MacDonald. Erm.

Looks like he hasn't been in for over a month.

Ted could have got out of the gym without swiping his card

if he'd jumped over the barrier or out the window.

-But why would he want to do that?

-Cos if he was doing something

he wasn't supposed to be doing, he'd still have an alibi, wouldn't he?

That's a bit far-fetched, isn't it?

Well, we'll find out, won't we?

Do you have CCTV here?

Yes, some.

We'd like the discs for the night that Ted disappeared.

Right, erm, I forgot, sorry, we're having a few problems

-with our CCTV.

-Problems?

Yeah. Erm, some of the cameras are not working very well.

Which cameras?

Well, erm, the, the one in reception

and also the one outside the main doors.

Sorry.

He's lying. We'll get a warrant for the CCTV.

A warrant? Please(!) What's your dad's number?

-What? Why?

-Come on, what's your dad's number?

Where did you get these from, Dad?

I know the guy who's got the security contract at the gym.

Course you do.

Hey.

Rewind that.

Yeah, there, there, there, there, there, there, there.

Is that the manager swiping Ted out?

DOORBELL RINGS

Hello?

OK, I'm going to ask you a question.

And if I think your answer is a lie, I'm going to arrest you.

Do you understand me?

< Who is it, Bob?

It's all right, darling, it's just for me.

Erm...

Would you mind if we did this somewhere private?

Sure.

All right, erm, I've got something to tell you both.

Ted and I...

-were having an affair.

-See, told you.

What? No, you didn't. You said Ted was gay, you never said Bob was too.

-I knew he was gay from the first moment we met him.

-Absolutely didn't.

-If you'd even thought that, you'd have said something.

-I did.

SSorry, excuse me, I'm still here, you know.

Yeah, all right, go on.

Erm, w-we both had to keep it a secret because we're both married.

That's why I would use my card to swipe him out,

so that if his wife ever wanted proof he was where he said he was,

it would be there on the entry logs. He was a bit paranoid.

Sneaky. So what happened the night he died?

Well, we, erm, we, we met for a few drinks and a quick bite to eat,

chatted for a few minutes in his car, erm, said good night

-and, er, that's the last time I ever saw him.

-Where?

-Where what?

-Where did you go for a drink?

Oh, at The Riverside, the bar, just down by the river,

it's very discreet.

-Was it you who got him into the steroids?

-No. No, no.

He very much did that himself.

He was buying them online. I'd finally persuaded him to stop.

He'd been off them for a couple of weeks.

-What was his mood the night he died?

-He was fine, happy, I'd say.

I mean, he'd struggled with depression.

Lying to his wife was pretty, pretty stressful.

But not enough to kill himself. I mean, not in a million years.

How did he die then?

I don't know and it's driving me crazy.

Can I go now?

Yeah. But don't even think about leaving town

-without asking me first, OK?

-OK.

Always wanted to say that.

-Technically, he can leave...

-Don't spoil it!

None of the staff... Oi!

None of the staff saw anything and they don't have CCTV.

-Skimmed milk, right?

-Skimmed milk, four sugars.

-Hmm.

Well, this is where he went in.

They found his body half a mile away,

it must have been dragged there by the current.

Look, this is a shelf, right? It's a sudden drop.

If someone fell in here, they'd be immediately be out of their depth.

What if it was just a mugging that went wrong?

He got into a struggle, hence the bruising on his knuckles and elbow,

and he ended up in the river.

But, like you said, he was a strong swimmer.

We need to get on to the garage that lent him the car,

find out whether it was an automatic or a manual and the make and model.

Hi, Bob? DI Armstrong.

Listen, you know you said you spoke to Ted in his car the night he died.

Yeah. Where was it parked?

Right, thank you.

We need to talk to Naz.

-You think the car went in the river.

-Yep.

Hey, Naz. Talk to me about anti-depressants.

No, they're not for me, you idiot.

Different people have different side effects

to monoamine oxidase inhibitors.

-To what? BOTH:

-Anti-depressants.

-Oh.

But a common one is drowsiness.

And we also found steroids in his system, but you say he'd quit.

-He had, two weeks before he died.

-Mm-hmm.

There could still be traces.

Well, you certainly don't want to go cold turkey on steroids.

-Yeah? Why?

-Well, they have some seriously nasty withdrawal symptoms.

-Like what?

-Dizziness, low blood pressure, tiredness.

I've got it.

Right, get this.

Ted parks the car next to the river.

He's already feeling tired and drowsy.

His wife tells us that he'd never driven an automatic before

and wasn't a good driver at the best of times.

Now, not being familiar with an automatic,

he accidentally puts the car into reverse instead of drive.

The car goes backwards, into the river, over the ledge,

down into ten foot of water, maybe more.

Yeah, but surely he would've just opened the car door and got out.

No, because water's coming rapidly through the air vents,

so he tries to smash the window with his right fist

and then his right elbow, hence the bruising.

But we know he got out.

By the time he smashed the window, the interior of the car's flooded,

the car's two metres below the surface.

Now, either he drowned inside the car and then floated out of the window,

or he got out of the car, but never made it to the surface.

Ha-ha-ha. I taught him everything he knows.

Ha. Hmm. Yeah.

MUSIC: "The Riverboat Song" by Ocean Colour Scene

-Smashed driver's window?

-Just like you said, George.

Just like you said, George.

You know what, it's fine,

I'll let you have this one. That's one case each and a draw.

Although, I do think you got a bit lucky.

-Lucky?

-Yeah, lucky.

Hey, I said he was gay right from the get-go.

Lucky guess.

OK, if it's just to do with luck,

you won't mind putting your money where your mouth is

and betting on who cracks the next case.

Fine.

20 quid.

30.

Let's make it 40.

OK.

OK.

-See you later, Naz.

-See you, guys.

You know the secret of being a great detective?

There is no secret, Jack, just follow procedure, simple as that.

Instinct. Follow your instinct.

It's the only thing that makes us different from computers.

Yeah? Well, my instinct says you're full of it.

Oh, really?

And another thing, you know...

-I get out plenty.

-Yeah(!)

PHONE BUZZES

-How was the party?

-It was good, thanks.

Yeah? Couldn't have been that good, you answered after the first ring.

There'll be no baking today.

Neither will there be any poaching, frying, grilling,

searing or broiling, whatever the hell that is.

One of your contestants died last night.

The competition continues this afternoon. You're joining it.

This is so cool!

ALARM RINGS

-Police work and cooking, all I need.

-You're going to become a spinster.

-You can't be a spinster at my age.

-Spinsterism, is not age specific.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd