Episode 6 Vexed

This programme contains some strong language.

So, I finally did it.

I finally went live on SpeedofLoveDirect.com.

No! I don't believe it.

After 57 weeks of talking about it, she finally does it.

It's not easy, writing about yourself.

Did you get your jugs out, did you use that topless photo like I suggested?

Yeah, I did that, I thought it would attract exactly the kind of man

I want to share and entrust my future with.

Hey, OK, right, so how many responses did you get?

I don't know. I haven't checked my e-mails yet.

I haven't, I haven't actually turned my phone on.

OK, why?

In case no one's replied.

Oh, come on!

You finally get the guts to put it up there.

You know, let's see how many matches you've got.

Hey come on, you, listen, you really are quite attractive. OK?

You've got the dirty blond thing going on which suggests casual sex.

And, you know, that photo that you wanted to use,

let me tell you, it was, it really was quite nice.

-Really?

-Yeah.

OK. I'm on.

Well done! Woo!

Hey, hey, great!

Hey I tell you what, I'm sure you're going to get some responses.

There are a lot of unemployed men out there with nothing else to do.

You know, so...

Hey, armed robbery on the jewellery store.

I'll be getting the store's CCTV,

but eye witnesses say that a bike pulled up around there.

Oh, my God!

What's going on?

I've had 94 responses from Speed of Love Direct.

94 e-mails.

96, 98 on my god 100, 102, 104...

Yeah, yeah. Anyway, go on.

So, one thief went inside.

Helmeted, armed, threatened the staff at gun point.

Did the robbery, came out. Got on the bike. Bike zoomed off.

-What kind of bike?

-We don't know yet.

A motorbike?

Yeah, a motorbike. Mind you, I'm only guessing, I might be wrong.

Maybe 21st century thieves are using push-bikes for armed robbery?

Armed robbery by Boris bike?

Huh? Yeah. What?

-Will you turn that thing off?

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

-Bike zoomed off,

nearly hit an old lady, who fainted, but I think she's going to be OK.

-Thanks, Naz.

-Thank you.

-Alright.

Do you like jewellery? You never seem to wear any.

Oh, that's nasty.

I'd have thought you like this stuff.

This looks like someone sneezed down your chest.

If someone gave me that,

-I would arrest them for bad taste.

-I'd wear it.

You know your problem is that you have no sense of romance.

I do.

But this stuff is not romantic.

Diamonds, romantic.

No they're not.

Not unless you're Russian, or an Arab.

Wouldn't you like to have a diamond ring one day?

If it was from the right guy, hmm?

Yes and no.

Bloody hell.

I've got the owner outside, Joanna Poynter.

-Yeah? Well, send her in.

-Sure.

-What's happened?

-There's been a robbery, Miss Poynter.

I know that. What's been taken?

Miss Poynter, please don't touch anything.

Lucy, what did they take? What's missing?

Just The Sultan stone. BZ47569032.

Does my dad know yet?

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit! Oh god!

Miss Poynter, what is the Sultan's stone?

It's the most expensive diamond we've ever held.

And how many millions is it worth?

It's worth £270,000. That's enough, isn't it?

We were holding it for a client.

I mean, We never normally hold stones worth that.

Right, so it's no accident that the thieves hit today?

What? I don't know. I don't know.

Please, Miss Poynter, if you calm down...

This could destroy the business!

How many people knew the diamond was here?

Erm, Lucy, me, the client, obviously, my parents.

Oh, God! Oh, shit.

Dad's here. He's going to kill me.

You run the business, don't you?

He set it up. He built it from nothing.

How long have you been running the business?

For two years. Since Dad had his heart attack.

Hey, Naz, keep him out of here. This is a crime scene.

We want to talk to Joanna, without him.

Sure.

Um, I'm afraid you can't come...

Well done, Naz.

What's going on here, Boo-boo? Who are these two?

They're police officers, there's been a robbery.

-What have you said to them?

-Nothing.

Excuse us, we were in the process of taking Joanna's statement.

Why don't you take a statement from me instead? No comment. Goodbye.

You can pootle off now, ploddies.

We don't know if we want to report a robbery at this stage

and make the crime official.

If we need to make an insurance claim we'll get in touch, thank you so much.

Whether you like it or not, sir, this is a crime scene.

One of your staff was held at gunpoint.

She'll be all right. I'll give her the day off.

The thieves knew what they wanted, they also knew the codes to the safe.

Which, which means the insurance won't stand.

Please be quiet, Boo-boo. Go and wait in the car.

I'll take it from here.

And if they knew the codes to the safe, I have two words for you:

And I have two words for you as well.

Inside job.

Those are my two words.

-What were yours?

-Work it out.

That's three words.

Very clever, Inspector! I can see you're going all the way.

But as I said, if we need to make a claim

and make the robbery official, we will do so.

Meanwhile, why don't you round up some hooligans or solve a murder in a country house?

If it is an inside job you're a suspect.

Quite right, well done, I did it,

even though I was playing golf up until 20 minutes ago.

I can see you're going to be a Super Chief-Intendant one of these days.

Actually, I do have a crime to report.

I'm parked on double yellow lines, so why don't you go and give me a ticket?

Now, get out of my shop.

Right, OK.

Oh my word, that is interesting.

It was a motorbike.

Georgina, it was a motorbike.

Which means that we can rule out the gang who's MO is the push bike.

Hmm, a Kawasaki Ninja.

Hmm, nice bike. I bet it's hot.

Hmm, I'll check it out.

Mind you, I think the Z1 was the sexier bike.

I don't know that one.

Oh, come on, it's a '70s design classic.

Let's not talk about motorbikes, let's talk about jewellery.

What do we know about the client who purchased the BZ47569032?

Nico Banna. Defending mid-fielder for City.

-He's been on the bench most weeks.

-Not him, he can't squeeze for toffee.

-Exactly.

-Let's not talk about football.

Let's talk about this crime. Is he a suspect?

-This theft is a bit low rent for Nico Banna, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Nico earns 70 grand a week just sitting on the bench, chewing gum and thinking about sports cars.

No motive.

Hey, I just found all this mail for you from the police station.

Oh, cheers.

What's up?

I've had 615 responses from Speed of Love Direct.

Wow, so, you did use the topless shot.

How am I supposed to reply to all these?

-Just delete them.

-My perfect man could be in here.

Just judge them by their faces. That's what everyone else does.

-So I've been told.

-There you go, easy.

Bin anyone you don't fancy shagging after looking at their photo for a second.

-It's the only way you're gonna get through them.

-OK.

So, who do we know had access to the safe combination numbers yesterday?

Right, there's Lucy the store manager,

Joanna, the boss who can't cope

and scary arse-hole Ron-daddy, the golfing twat.

Joanna said he knew the codes.

What?

What's that?

It's from my brother.

I did not know you had a brother.

He's getting married. Why's he invited me?

Probably because you're his brother?

Right, shall we go see these suspects?

-Let's do it.

-Hmm.

Thanks Naz.

No worries.

Look, I'm finding this whole process quite stressful to be honest.

I haven't recovered from yesterday.

You weren't there during the robbery, were you?

I'm still responsible, aren't I? For staff welfare. For security.

It's OK, calm down, it's over now.

Sorry, we're just having a tough time at the moment.

Because of the robbery, or is there something else?

Yes, the robbery.

Well, it's, it's, it's tough anyway.

If you haven't done it for years, like Mum and Dad have.

I was a yoga teacher before.

Really?

I'm meant to be the responsible one.

How do you mean, the responsible one?

Oh, nothing, just compared to my brother.

Is he involved in the business too?

Josh? No. He's not really involved in anything.

Er, did he know about the diamond? Did he know it was here?

No, no. He keeps well out.

Dad won't let him near the business. Since he "wasted his education."

Families, eh?

Can you give us his address? We should go and talk to him.

Yeah.

Oh, hi, Mum, these are the two police officers investigating the robbery.

This is my mum, Patricia.

-DI Dixon.

-DI Armstrong.

Well, hello.

Should you be talking to them without a lawyer?

Ah ha.

No, it's fine.

Well, I've got your dry cleaning here, darling.

I'll just put it behind the desk.

And when you've finished talking to these two, let's get to the club.

We do have a couple more questions for Joanna.

Well, then, I'll wait.

Um, do you know where your brother was at the time of the robbery?

No. Mum, where was Josh yesterday?

Er, what time was the robbery?

3.35pm.

I took him to see that new comedy film.

And then we went for a pizza.

Oh right, teenager.

He's 36.

Right, and, and was it just the diamond that was taken?

Nothing else?

Just BZ47569032. Here's the certificate.

We named it The Sultan Stone because that sounds better for the client.

The City player?

Yeah. It was going to be his wife's wedding ring.

It's a wonderful diamond,

it's a five carat, D flawless, heart-shaped cut.

We were going to make this ring for them.

What is it with footballers and bad taste?

More like the Sultan's knob ring!

So, the client brings you the nasty design and the stone

and you have to make it up for him?

We sourced the stone for him through our broker.

The ring is my design.

And what a gorgeous design it is too,

yeah, really beautiful.

I think that design is fresh

and chic and distinctive.

Yeah, chic, very fresh.

Please, forgive my partner's comments,

she has absolutely no taste at all.

Yes, I'm sorry.

personally, I've just never found diamonds very romantic.

It's a problem I have.

Diamonds are the very epitome of romance.

Nothing says I love you more than a diamond.

They're the ultimate luxury.

Who wants a coloured stone?

Only diamonds answer our two greatest fears in life.

Am I truly loved? And do I have financial security?

The gift of a diamond answers both of those,

yes and yes.

So, tell us about the broker? Did he know the diamond was here?

Yes.

And what's his name?

Thomas De Hoyzen. He's a great friend of Dad's.

Ja, I was very fucking upset to hear about this.

Ron is a long time friend of mine.

We've been on holiday together many times.

Can I get you a whiskey, my friend?

Er, er, I won't. I'm on duty.

Sit down.

And I'm fine, thank you.

So, how was Ron's business doing? Was it struggling at all?

Oh, you let your assistant ask the questions?

No, no, I'm not his assistant

No, No, she's, er, she's, she's not my assistant.

And I know it might seem that way but, er...

I'm a Detective Inspector.

Oh, you're a police woman?

You could arrest me?

Actually, I could, I could arrest you.

Nice. Then you take me to a cell and abuse me.

You're a lucky man, you drive around with this lady all day, huh?

Yeah, it's er, it's not that much fun, actually.

Here we are. All of us on my boat.

This is 2008, that's my daughter, Abi.

She's a great athlete and a smart business lady.

I'm very proud of her.

She is as wonderful as her brothers now.

Ron, Pat, the wife.

Joanna, his daughter.

Oh.

Ron's business is good. People always want his jewellery.

He has taste, ja?

He has a little hiccup when he gives the business to his girl.

She's a woman. She's not that smart.

But he runs it again now, really.

He tells her what to do.

He will always do well because people always want luxury.

And you guys con them into it, don't you?

What's that?

I'm just saying, your whole concept of luxury is a con. That's all.

It's a lie, isn't it? Diamonds aren't really rare or exclusive.

That's an illusion created by your industry.

You control their availability, hiding tonnes of them in vaults,

manufacturing their scarcity to increase their value.

It's one of the greatest cons of the 20th century.

Actually, diamonds are common as muck.

Oh, lordy, you're a very angry lady. I see what you mean, she's no fun.

Have you been very unlucky in love sweetheart, ja?

I think you must have been.

No.

In fact, I have just had 615 e-mails from men who are interested...

You don't know what you're saying, lady. You are ten years out of date.

Once, we suppressed the availability of rocks, yes.

but now with China booming, there aren't enough diamonds.

I can sell them all day. The thing you are most wrong about,

is that diamonds are not romantic,

they are very romantic.

Are you telling me you don't find this romantic?

I bet this is making you hot right now, yeah?

Stop it.

Mr De Hoyzen, Mr De Hoyzen, it's really, it's not romantic.

This is how I seduced my wife.

By showing her many diamonds.

Er, where were you yesterday afternoon?

Are you suggesting I may have stolen the diamond I sold to them?

No, I'm merely asking where you were yesterday afternoon.

I was in Antwerp buying these diamonds.

And about 2,000 people can vouch for that.

Now this interview is over?

If you'll excuse me I'm trying to acquire a chalet in Verbier.

Well, er, good luck with that.

-You really don't find diamonds romantic?

-No.

But you're a woman, for God's sake!

Some nasty piece of over-priced carbon

dug out of the earth in a conflict zone, shipped over by people like De Hoyzen.

I guess I can't think of anything less romantic

than having to spend that kind of money to prove you love somebody.

I don't believe you.

Like Pat said, they're the ultimate luxury.

They say I love you long time,

plus if the relationship goes tits up, you can always cash them in.

Oh, insurance. Yeah, cos that's always romantic.

Do you know what else is meant to be romantic and isn't?

Venice.

Have you ever been to Venice?

-No.

-It's horrendous. It's smelly.

It's packed with tourists and Italians.

Now, Italians they are supposed to be romantic.

Well, they're not, why does everyone think that?

They're like me. They smell nice. They dress well.

They know how to listen to women.

There is nothing Italian about you,

and you should take that as a compliment.

Trust me, I know, I used to go out with one.

All he used to do was talk about his car, and worry about his clothes.

It was him who took me to Venice. I was looking forward to it.

The San Marco, moonlit walks on the Rialto.

The weight of romantic expectation was impossible to bear.

He spent the entire time trying on trousers in Gucci.

And then I discovered he'd taken more photos of his car than of me.

I know you don't listen to women, Jack.

Jack?

Jack!

Sorry, what?

What did I just say?

I do actually listen to women, apart from when they're being very, very boring.

Sorry, I should've made that clear. I listen to women,

apart from when they're being really, really boring,

at which point I stop listening to them.

Honestly, your rant about Italians just went on and on and on.

It should have come with an interval.

I could've gone out and got an ice cream

and come back for the second half.

I'm really sorry that your romance with the Italian didn't work out.

But maybe one out of the 50,000 texts that you received is the one!

-MAN COUGHS

-What's all the ruckus?

-Josh Poynter?

-That's my name.

This is DI Dixon. I'm DI Armstrong.

Can we come in?

Sure.

Sure. Would you like a cup of tea?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

VIDEO GAME PLAYS

Josh, erm...

..do you realise that these drugs are illegal?

-HE CHUCKLES

-Yes!

-Oh, do you want a toke?

-Er, no, Josh, he doesn't.

I certainly don't either, thank you.

Because we are police detectives, here investigating a crime.

Detectives...

What you working on at the moment?

Er, a robbery at your family's jewellery store. HE CLEARS THROAT

No shit?

Dad'll lose his bananas.

You two are going to catch them, though, yeah?

Well, we're, we're going to...

we're going to endeavour to do that, yeah.

JACK CLEARS THROAT

BUBBLING

(Pst.)

I don't think he was involved.

Let's go. If I stay here any longer, I'm going to want to order pizza.

Hey, I got half a packet of crisps in my car.

Hey. Listen...

If you need any help, you just ask.

You know? I'm doing an accountancy course starting next week.

And I'm going to definitely do that this time.

But, you know...

I'm free till then.

JACK CHUCKLES

JACK WEARILY EXHALES

I definitely want him to do my accounts.

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHTER BECOMES HYSTERICAL

I don't believe this!

Is there absolutely nothing left on this wedding list?

Why didn't you give me my invite earlier?

The only thing that they've got on here is a rosewood sleigh bed.

Price - 3,444 quid!

-Well, he is your brother. Come on.

-JACK SIGHS

-Why don't you get on with him?

-I do get on with him.

-You didn't even know he was getting married.

-Yeah, because I wasn't given my post!

Why did he send it to the police station in the first place?

-Doesn't he know where his own brother lives?

-Guys. That robbery case you're working.

Still trying to find out who the insider was.

-Somebody gave the safe combination to the thieves.

-Hello!

Here we go, toilet brush holder.

-Bingo!

-You can't give him a toilet brush holder as a wedding present.

Why not? I'd have thought you'd find that romantic.

You know, I bet you it was the Mullan boys.

Yeah, they carried out a spate of motorcycle robberies

five years back. Two-man teams. Always inside job.

-That's the same MO as our robbery.

-That's right.

-We knew they were guilty, but didn't have enough evidence for court.

-How did you know they were guilty?

We had their place bugged.

They were doing a robbery-a-month back then. Why not bug them again?

I mean, if they've got this diamond TB45678910,

-you might hear them talk about shifting it.

-We'd need a warrant.

Ah, we didn't have a warrant back then.

You can't go bugging people's houses without a warrant. How's that legal?

It's not legal.

Look, George, you can't use it in court.

But you might find out whether they did it or not,

do you know what I mean?

-And you might get a little whisper on the insider.

-Where do these Mullan boys hang out?

They kept moving about. And that was five years ago.

They do have a cousin that owns a metal-cutting business

down at the Honeycombe trading estate.

This is the bike being stolen for the robbery.

So they'd have needed a serious saw to cut through that chain,

-wouldn't they, Col?

-Don't know. I didn't steal the bike.

Where does Sean Mullan live? Tell us and we'll leave you alone.

Don't know him. Have you tried the phone book?

We just want an address, that's all.

Then we'll be on our way.

Unless you want your flourishing business to get a visit

from the tax inspector this year.

You want a visit from the tax inspector, Col?

Hey. Come on. They'll never know it was you.

Sean might have a crash service garage.

Near the bus depot. I can't remember.

-Thanks.

-Thank you.

Will you stop asking about him?

We're here to check on the Mullan gang.

He's a paediatric surgeon, OK?

Now you know what he does, can we please shut up about him?

Your brother saves the lives of little children?

I don't know. Sometimes.

He's a paediatric plastic surgeon. Probably.

Anyway, don't be too in awe of him,

because he totally sells out with the private work.

So he's rich as well?

Wow, that is by far the best profile I've heard all week.

-Why don't you get on with him again?

-Because he's an arsehole, all right? I told you.

He always has been an arsehole.

Just because he saves children's lives does not mean

he is not also an arsehole!

HE SIGHS

MOTORBIKE ENGINE REVS

Oh, hello.

Let's go and check it out.

I think it's a similar kind of lock up there.

Yeah, let's try the front door.

Oh, come on, Jack.

(Hey. Hey, I want to put the bug in the base of the phone. OK?)

(There's a laptop.)

Oh, there's a USB stick in it.

My God!

This is all their flight receipts. Paris, Rotterdam...

-God, I need a piss!

-Hotel bookings...

God, the whole of their last year's on here, Jack.

Should I take it? Jack!

Jack?

JACK GROANS

Jack! Where are you?

-TRICKLING

-Jack?

-Ssssh! Will you go away?!

-My God, you cannot do that now.

-It was the last blackcurrant I had!

It's like being a detective with a six-year-old.

MOTORBIKE PULLS UP OUTSIDE

Shit!

-It's him, he's here.

-I've got to put the phone base back together!

Have you got the bug in?

-Oh, God.

-God, hurry up Jack!

Shit.

-Jack! Done?

-Done!

HE GROANS

TELEVISION PLAYS LOUDLY

HE MOUTHS

TELEVISION CONTINUES TO PLAY LOUDLY

SHE MOUTHS

Come on, get in!

I suppose you found that romantic.

Huh?

-You know what I did get?

-What?

Ta-dah!

Please don't tell me you were stupid enough to steal that from the house.

What? Yeah.

This could hold proof of where they were on the day of the robbery.

Yeah, but they will also instantly realise that it's missing,

realise that someone's been in the house, that someone's on to them.

No, they might not.

Oh, God. Let's get it to Naz ASAP, before they realise it's missing.

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-'Beryl, hello!'

Hello.

-'You there, Beryl?'

-Yes. Hello, Mark.

'Yeah, it's me. Where are you?'

I'm in the car, hands-free, with my partner.

LAUGHTER What do you want?

'You've got your hands free with your partner?'

Look, I'm working. What do you want?

-'Look, I need to ask you something.'

-Yeah, go on.

'No, no, no, in person. Where can I meet you today?'

Er...

-'Hello?'

-Um...

HE CHUCKLES BITTERLY

He sounded quite funny on the phone.

Well, he's not funny. All right? He's not funny, he's just rude.

Unlike you(!)

And why is he always late? I mean, he said 1.30.

-HE SIGHS I don't want to see him.

-Then why did you agree to meet him?

Because he's my brother and because he's getting married.

Now you can ask him whether or not he wants that fancy bed

-or a toilet brush for a present, eh?

-THEY LAUGH

Just, just don't be over-impressed, all right?

Just because he's rich and saves children's lives.

-I won't be.

-Don't be taken in.

Beneath that sensitive, successful exterior,

he's actually a massive twat.

Oh, hi, Mark. Hey.

-So good to see you!

-Yeah, yeah...

Hey, listen, er, congratulations on the wedding.

Thanks, matey, thanks. I hope you like Sadie.

I'm sure you will. She can't wait to meet you.

Er, sorry I'm late. Surgery overran.

Difficult operation with a one-day-old child whose life

-was a bit touch-and-go for twenty minutes.

-Oh...

Is this a friend of yours?

Er, yeah, sorry. Let me introduce you. This is my partner, Georgina.

-Hi.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-You have to clear up my brother's cock-ups, do you?

-Yeah!

-THEY LAUGH

-Yeah.

Oh, hang on.

-I'm sorry?

-Can I just say, as a professional, that you have...

..you have an imperfection that's fabulous,

that makes your face incredibly beautiful.

-Have I?

-What imperfection? That's just her face.

You have one ear lobe that's just ever so slightly longer

than the other, and it breaks up an otherwise perfect symmetry. It's lovely.

-I think I'm going to be sick.

-Never let anyone tell you it needs correcting.

-I won't.

I see a lot of faces and...

Yeah, you also see a lot of flabby tits and testicular tumours.

-MARK SIGHS

-Don't resent my private work, Beryl.

I know it's ethically debatable, but it's going to give my lovely wife

a very happy life.

And I still manage to perform 2% of this country's paediatric spina bifida operations.

-Wow.

-Wow, amazing(!) Yeah. I save lives too, you know.

Really? You've stopped being a policeman?

OK, I'm not a policeman, all right. I'm a Detective Inspector.

And what we do is very important.

-Yes, yes. And dangerous as well.

-It is dangerous, actually.

-It's not so much dangerous...

-No, no, no, sorry, sorry, it is very dangerous.

Yeah, more dangerous than standing around in some antiseptic room

counting your cheques while the nurse does the really hard work.

Oh, shit. The secret's out(!)

I'm just having a push, Beryl. Don't rise to it.

OK, can you stop calling me Beryl?

It's boring. And why are you here, you dickhead?

What do you want?

Will you be my best man?

Oh, Jack!

Why are we watching Mrs Poynter?

Do you really think she might have done the robbery?

And more importantly, what am I going to say in my best man speech?

HE GROANS

You'll be great. Everyone always loves the best man.

You can lose the ring, shag a bridesmaid,

turn up with Mark, naked and hungover. Everyone will still think you've done a great job.

No, no, George, I can't do that.

That'll just confirm what everybody's always thought about me, that I can't be trusted.

If I do this, I've got to do it right.

Oh, fuck's sake!

-Never mind.

-Stupid game!

HE SIGHS

You could always tell funny stories about growing up with Mark.

You've got to be joking. You've no idea what it was like.

Nothing I ever did was as good as Mark.

"Ooh, Mark's learned to play the trumpet.

"Look at Mark's watercolour of a bowl of fruit. Isn't it marvellous?

"Mark's Captain of the football team - again!

"Isn't Mark's girlfriend beautiful? Isn't Mark splendid?"

Mark this, Mark that, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark.

What I never heard was,

"Oh, dear, Mark's hit Jack with a garden spade.

"Mark has stolen all of Jack's Action Men.

"Mark set fire to Jack's bed - again.

"Mark is a psychotic little shit who should be put away!"

Well, maybe just a few jokes, then. And thank the vicar.

The only reason I was glad Mark was so clever

was that it meant he fucked off to college sooner.

All that's in the past though, Jack, isn't it?

Come on.

-Your ball's over there somewhere.

-Oh...

Yeah.

I'll catch up with Pat Poynter.

Right, can we go now?

I don't think we've learned anything by following her all day.

Except that she likes to play golf for four hours.

This has been one of the worst days of my life.

-MOBILE BEEPS

-Oh, no!

-What?

-God, it's Paul, who I'm meeting next Tuesday night,

wanting to rearrange for Thursday. But I can't do Thursday

-cos I'm meeting Steve, who I met yesterday.

-Right.

I really do want to see Steve, so I don't want to rearrange.

Paul's better looking, Steve's got a slightly distracting mole,

but, you know, he's funny.

And I still haven't found a night for Keith.

I'm really struggling with the name Keith, though. I don't like it. It's very difficult, all this.

Why don't you sort out your diary and see them all on one night?

I've been through this.

It was synched with one of the Mullan gangs' phones,

-so it has all their contact info on it.

-Idiots.

-Mm-hm.

A lot of low-level crime contacts that we're already aware of.

But it did also have the phone numbers of all three

of the Poynter's jewellery stores.

Interesting. So do we have the phone records? Did the gang call in?

No.

It was the other way round.

Someone has contacted Sean Mullan five times in the last two weeks from the Hampton store phone.

-Maybe it was an insurance job after all.

-You'd think.

But I got the Ponyter's jewellery store accounts through Companies House.

They have made a 50 grand profit in the last few years.

There's no financial crisis they're trying to escape.

This tells us that the Mullan gang knew somebody

-at the Poynter's stores.

-Mm.

That's enough for me to bring someone in and squeeze their nuts.

-Let's find out who's been phoning them.

-Well, you guys had better bring some proper muscle with you.

Cos this Mullan crew, they're the real deal.

They'll be packing.

At the drop of a hat, they will rock and roll.

Do you know what I mean?

# Swagger so cold, cold Swagger so cold

# Swagger so cold, cold Swagger so cold

# Swagger so cold, cold Swagger so cold

# Swagger so cold, cold Swagger so cold

# Swagger so cold, cold Swagger so cold

# Swagger so cold, cold Swagger so cold

# Swagger so cold Head to the toes

# Swagger so, swagger so Swagger so cold

# In my swagger mode Brand-new flow

# Swagger so, swagger so Swagger so cold

# Swagger so cold Head to the toe

# Love the way I walk and the way I wear my clothes... #

Post!

KNOCKS ON DOOR Post!

-Police. Can you step outside, please?

-No, not now.

-Yes, now. It's the police.

-No shit. Not now.

-Fuck off.

-Hey, fella, what's happening?

-We're going in!

-Stop! Police!

-Don't move!

-Police!

-Don't move!

-Stay where you are!

-Get off!

Go, go, go! Move! Move!

Stop!

Let's go!

Stop or I'll shoot!

Son of a bitch!

Sit down!

Well done. You two are real heroes. I'm a cop.

-You've just blown my cover.

-There is no way you're a cop,

-you got any proof?

-He's undercover.

Yeah, well, that's what he says. How do we know?

He won't have ID, will he? If he's undercover.

She's right. And I swear to God,

if you two skid marks don't get me out of these cuffs right now,

I'm going to rip both your arms out your sockets and spank your arse with them!

That's fair enough. Fair enough.

Well, man...

you are the best undercover cop that I have ever seen.

You look like a real scumbag.

Ten months I've spent earning their trust!

Now yous turn up and they're gone!

HE SNARLS AND BANGS ON WALL

Erm, excuse me? Er, those tattoos, are they pretend ones?

-Because...

-They're real and they hurt

and the only reason I got them done was to infiltrate the gang.

That's one of a French prostitute in a beret.

That's a Nazi Swastika.

Do you think I like having them on me?

I can't wait to name you two in the report.

Would it be possible for you to tell us whether the gang

robbed the Poynter's jewellery store on the third?

Yeah, they did it. I'm the one who opened the safe.

It was you?

That's how I finally won their trust. It was an induction.

-I passed!

-And you already had the combination numbers?

Yeah, it was an inside job. Sean gave me the numbers.

-He's the one on the bike.

-Do you know who the insider was?

Sean talked to him. Called him The Owner. Which was probably a code.

Maybe it was the owner? You hear any names?

Do you know what happened to BZ47569032?

The diamond.

Sean took it to Rotterdam and sold it.

I don't know what he did with the cash.

Right. Hey, listen, erm, really sorry about, you know, messing up

your undercover, er, tattoo...thing.

Hey, but on the bright side,

at least you can shave off that silly goatee!

What's wrong with this? I've had this for years!

There you go.

-You haven't got a red?

-Er, no, sorry.

If I'd known you were coming I would have gone to, er, Fortnum's

and got you a bottle of Chateau de Whatsit.

-But, erm... I've got a beer, if you want it.

-No, no.

-It's fine, this is nice.

-OK.

I'm on-call anyway, so shouldn't have more than a couple of glasses.

I'm so glad you're doing this, Beryl.

Oh, no, listen, I'm really honoured.

And, er, I was a bit surprised cos I haven't seen you in a while.

-Are you sure?

-That reminds me. If you want to bring someone, then do. Obviously.

-Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

-Er, no.

No. What about that woman you work with that you fancy?

-I don't fancy her, Mark.

-Invite her if you want. I would.

Er...no. I, er, I don't want to invite her.

Great. Now I want to talk about umbrellas, in case it rains.

-Can you get 100 for me?

-100? Wow.

-BEEPER GOES OFF

-Shit, that's the hospital.

Some two-year-old's put their hands in boiling water.

-HE SIGHS

-I'd better go in.

We'll pick this up again next week, yeah. Thanks, Beryl.

-Better go save lives, yeah. Brollies, don't forget, bro!

-Yeah, consider it done. Yeah.

Well, if Mr tattooed, shouty, angry undercover cop man is right

about the owner bringing in the job, it's got to be Ron, hasn't it?

Or it could be Pat. But why would Ron or Pat want to steal from their own business

and destroy something they've spent years building up?

Are you sure he's in?

He's definitely in.

What's that?

This chart is going to help me keep on top of my dating.

Oh, yeah?

Blue is for a first date.

Blue with a tick is a first date that went well.

Red indicates a second date.

Red with a cross, second date didn't go so well, can cut him loose.

Then we get into yellow for a third date. That's next month.

I think I'm going to do fourth dates in purple.

Do you know what's really annoying about this whole thing?

Your stationery bill?

There were two guys on the site that I liked the look of.

So I nudged them. Said I liked their profiles.

And neither of them have replied to me.

OK, let me get this straight,

you have 4,000 replies to your profile and you're pissed off

because two men you nudged didn't get back to you?

Yeah!

Oh, hello. Who's this?

Hey, Naz, can you run a number plate for me?

Yeah, Lima, Mike, one, one, Yankee, Kilo, Romeo.

(Hello!)

Really?

Interesting. Thanks, Naz.

That's probably Abi de Hoyzen,

because THAT is Abi de Hoyzen's car.

-Thomas de Hoyzen's daughter?

-Bingo.

What's she doing here?

Oh, shit!

Are you sure they won't be able to see us?

No, just keep your head down. It should be OK.

Ruddy hell.

Oi!

Oh, no.

What on earth are you doing?!

You have absolutely no right to come here.

You are a suspect in a violent robbery.

Does Thomas know you're fondling his daughter on a Friday evening?

-It's none of his business.

-Leave it to me, Abi.

Do you think he'd sell me diamonds if he did?

Actually... I wouldn't put it past him.

My relationship with Abigail has nothing to do with the crime

you're investigating.

Why don't you just leave us alone?! We haven't done anything wrong.

Abi, leave it to me, will you? Go and wait in the kitchen, please.

I've done nothing wrong. Nothing illegal.

I think you can go now. Good night.

-Does your wife know about this?

-She does know, yes.

But I've made her a very generous financial settlement

with which she is very happy. Go and check with her.

Now I really don't want to talk to you any more.

-Got to get back to some buttock fondling?

-Yeah. Good night.

HE SOBS

With my own daughter?!

For years.

Thanks for letting me do that.

Hey, no, I enjoyed it. So what are you thinking?

Who did it? Maybe we should talk to Joanna again?

I mean, she said she hated running the business.

Yeah, but I don't think she's got it in her to destroy Daddy's business.

She's too under his spell.

Yeah, she was a yoga teacher for God's sake. What about Ron?

Maybe. Why? What's the motive? It's not like he needs the money.

-Same goes for Joanna.

-Josh? He needs the money.

Yeah, but you met him.

Unless that was the world's greatest hustle,

I doubt he could organise his own breakfast, let alone this.

Maybe it's not about money?

I mean, you know, we're assuming it's about money

because it was a diamond that was stolen.

So what's it about, then?

Well, why do people commit crimes? Money, ideology, or revenge.

We've just discovered that Ron was having an affair for years.

He says that Pat's cool about it. But maybe she isn't?

But you were angry, weren't you, Pat?

He'd given you a big fat cheque to pay for your silence.

For keeping your divorce out of the courts.

But inside you were in pain.

And you yearned to pay him back.

You'd given him 30 years of your life.

But he broke your heart with that young girl.

That is just ridiculous.

Didn't he deserve to be punished?

Didn't he deserve to lose his beloved business?

I mean, wasn't that the best possible revenge?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Pat...if we were to look into it, would we discover that you

were in the shop every time the gang were called?

Yes, he does. He deserves to lose the business.

I knew this would bankrupt him. The insurance is null and void

and he wouldn't be able to pay back the cost of the diamond.

-But that's not why I did it.

-Mum?!

Oh, he had countless affairs. I knew all about them.

They never hurt me.

But what did hurt me, darling, is what he's doing to you.

He's ruining your life. I did it for you.

-What?!

-You hate running the business. It's killing you.

But you never could say no to your father.

This was my way to set you free.

And yes, it was also my way to get my revenge on that lying,

loveless bastard.

How do you know the Mullan gang? They're hardly regulars around here.

How do you know a robbery gang?

Josh's pot dealer put me on to them.

My only real regret, darling, is that we weren't a better example

of what love and parenting can be.

Well...

Dessert, coffee?

There's no pudding, Pat.

You're under arrest for planning an armed robbery.

As long as Joanna doesn't have to go back to the curse of those loveless shops,

you can charge me with what you like.

Round of golf?

Kick your arse.

I'll never forget the moment I met Sadie.

When I was in Beirut last year I went to

the Medecins Sans Frontieres party at the Zephirine hotel.

They do a party once a year for surgeons who've helped them.

You know, I don't normally go.

I just prefer to do my one month of voluntary work and slip away.

But for some reason, I went this year.

What was it that made me go, I wonder?

-Beirut is an incredible city. Have you been?

-No. I'd love to go.

You should go sometime. It's very beautiful, despite the bombings.

And the war has given the place this...

this incredible sexual tension.

It's palpable. You feel it's a place where anything can happen.

And the bar's on the roof of the hotel.

And I remember, I bought a drink and I turned...

and this extraordinary woman came out of the night towards me.

And I knew, I just knew instantly that we'd be together for ever.

Oh, my God!

She came and stood at the bar. We started talking.

I discovered she worked for the Red Cross.

-And we ended up in bed that night. The rest is history.

-Wow.

Right, so you er, pulled a nurse at a conference? Great.

How are you getting on with the jobs? DJ happy?

You know when to go and pick up the ring?

Yeah, everything's sorted. I should know.

I've spent the last two days on the phone fixing everything for you.

The only thing I don't know what to do with is your best man's speech.

I mean, apart from calling you a knob jockey, of course.

No, seriously, you're going to have to give me some numbers of mates

-because I need some stories.

-You're not serious?

Yeah! I mean, what am I going to say?

I haven't seen you for like...

Mate, mate, you don't have to do a speech.

My other best man will do that.

What?

My best mate Jimmy will do the speech, obviously.

Shit, sorry, maybe I haven't been clear. I've got two best men - you and Jimmy.

Oh.

Right, OK. Er...

And do you mind me asking where Jimmy is?

Jimmy's on holiday in Thailand, so he can't organise anything.

That's why I thought I'd ask you too.

Plus Mum wanted you there.

Right, OK, so, as usual, my job is just to follow you around,

doing whatever you say.

Oh, don't get all humpty about it, Beryl. I thought you'd be pleased!

Don't call me Beryl! All right?!

-Oh, come on, don't go and sulk in your room. I need...

-Get off me!

Shit. Beryl, what are you...

Bitch!

Hey, hold on guys, guys, what you, what you doing?

Stop!

If you don't stop, if you don't stop, I'll chuck you out!

Stop it now!

Right now!

I don't want to be your best man! I quit.

Fine. Don't be best man. See if I care.

In fact, don't come! You're disinvited!

You know what?! I don't want to come to your wedding.

I don't want to come to your wedding and I hope it rains.

-See if I care.

-No, you see if I care.

-No, you!

-No, you!

No, you!

SHE WHISTLES

Shut up, both of you! This is absolutely pathetic.

Mark, it was unfair of you to ask Jack to be your best man without explaining the role properly.

And unfair of you to ask him to do all your shitty jobs for you.

-You are an arsehole, like he said.

-Yeah!

Jack, stop being so touchy and sensitive, and just be thankful

for the fact that your brother has found somebody to love

-and stop being envious of that.

-That's right!

Now, shake hands, go on. You're brothers, shake hands.

All right, get out! Both of you.

I'm charging you for this, both of you. Out! Out! Out!

-He started it!

-Yeah, yeah.

I should go after him.

Hey, how are things going with Speed of Love Direct?

How many dates have you got this month?

I've stopped doing it. Taken down my profile.

Yeah? Why?

I couldn't cope with the admin.

Plus, I'm already lumbered with one annoying man.

I didn't need a website giving me 5,000 more.

Do you think I should go to my brother's wedding?

Hmm. Of course you should. Your mum would love it.

And so would Mark, although he won't show it.

You want to come with me? As my plus one? I'd like that.

I'd love to. Thank you.

Great.

I already asked Danielle, but she's away.

There was nobody else, so, thanks, it really helps out.

What?

Hang on, if you want me to come with you, you have to ask me first.

I'm not going to be your last-resort date.

Oh, come on, don't be like that. Just pretend I asked you first.

You dick!

OK, sorry, look, it was, it was a joke, it was a bad joke.

I'm asking you first, you're first. Definitely.

I'm not coming now.

Hey, you didn't think I was asking you in a romantic way, did you?

No.

Well, what's your problem, then?

It's just a really horrible way to invite somebody.

By telling them they're second choice.

You're more like fifth, actually.

I'm so fed up of working with you.

-Yeah, well, why don't you apply for a transfer?

-I might.

Great. I'll help you fill in the forms.

I'll even lie and give you a glowing reference.

Come on, come to the wedding!

Hey, Mark would love it if you go.

I've already said, I'm not coming. Ask your sixth choice.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd