Episode 5 Vexed

Morning.

Here, what you reading then?

Advanced Forensic Toxicology II.

I hear it's not as good as the first one.

HE CHUCKLES

"You're going to say it's not as good as the first one".

OK, that is quite impressive

and just a wee bit creepy.

What do you read this stuff for anyway?

Isn't it a bit boring?

I'm reading this stuff because it's my job.

No, it's not. We're detectives.

We have a whole department to do forensics.

-Thanks, Tony.

-I mean, for example,

does Tony need to know how a toaster works to make toast?

Electricity's passed through a nichrome filament,

and the metal gets hot because of friction on the electrons,

thus turning bread into toast.

-I did not know that.

-Right...right.

I think you'd find it all really interesting.

Yeah, but nobody poisons anybody any more, do they?

Graham Young poisoned at least 70 people between 1962 and 1971,

using thallium and aconite.

Richard Kuklinski claims to have killed over 100 people

using cyanide in the '80s.

-Ooh!

-What's he doing here?

As much as I enjoy awkward family tension,

I'm getting out of here.

Mind if I just take..?

Hiya, George.

Here to see if you can jeopardise another one of my cases?

It was a mistake.

I can pop over to the station if you want, get one of my case files.

See if there's a victim in there you want to tap up for an alarm system.

I'm sorry, I really am. I...

..I haven't been thinking straight recently, cos...

the thing is...

..your mum and I are getting divorced.

Hello!

It's to show you how much I still love you.

PHONE BLEEPS

I have to go.

-TONY:

-What do you mean, you don't know?

Well, we haven't got a case at the moment...

Ooh! Nice teddy!

What's this?

Suspicious death at Parkwood Manor school.

Hang on, school?

Oh, God! That means having to deal with kids!

Have you, er...have you tried these?

What's that?

Allergy pills.

TONY CHUCKLES

Hey, are you OK? You haven't said anything for the whole journey.

Just... I'm in shock, I think.

I mean, what are they going to do?

Mum's not going to have anyone to watch telly with.

Dad's not going to have anyone to ignore him.

Well, let's not get bogged down in the details.

The important thing is,

your mum and dad are divorcing each other, not you. OK?

Yeah.

I suppose a lot of marriages do stay together for the sake of the kids.

Anyway, marriage is really overrated.

Come on, I mean, why get married

when you can just find a woman you hate and buy her a house?

HE GIGGLES

OK, the jokes aren't helping. OK.

There's only one thing I hate more than children.

What?

LOTS of children.

Thank you.

I don't remember the mothers at my primary school looking like that.

Look at them, they're dressed to kill.

They're probably all on their way to work.

Really, as what?

It's an aspirational school.

It's probably full of aspirational mothers.

Yeah, and cougars and MILFs and ladies that lunch!

That is RIDICULOUSLY sexist and patronising.

Well, let's find out.

Excuse me, ladies. Got a couple of questions for you.

Can I have a show of hands

for those of you that are going to work today?

OK. And can I have a show of hands for those of you

that have got a table booked for lunch?

Thank you. That's all.

Stabbed in the neck with a knitting needle.

The headmaster was sitting at his desk,

talking to the person on the other side,

when he turns to his right,

perhaps to pick up that file over there.

Someone plunged a knitting needle into his neck.

Oh, my God!

HE SCREAMS AND SPLUTTERS

Wow.

Too much?

Strong start, but you lost me towards the end.

Oh...I sensed that.

So, we're looking for a homicidal granny, right?

Have you ever heard of Knit And Natter?

No. What the hell's that?

People get together in groups and they chat and they knit.

-That's a thing?

-Celebrities do it, so apparently, it's cool.

I thought it was grannies who want to punish relatives for not visiting.

Julia Roberts does it. Madonna does it.

Like I said, we're looking for a homicidal granny.

It's not your average knitting needle, though.

-Hmm?

-That's a hand-crafted Art Viva,

fashioned from sustainable Tasmanian Oak.

Right.

So we're looking for a female killer.

Yeah? How do you know that?

Come on, they used a designer knitting needle.

Hmm, a sexist theory.

That's plausible.

Wow, look at these entry requirements!

Catchment areas, sibling policy.

God, it's easier to get into Parliament than this place.

Well, Parkwood Manor's the best primary school in the area.

Where the Police Commissioner is sending his kids?

Where he WISHES he could.

How do you know this stuff?

Well, I read the paper.

And, if I do decide to have children one day,

it'd be irresponsible not to know a bit about it.

-You want kids?

-Well, eventually. One day.

-Why? Don't you?

-No, I can't do it.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Oh, no, I'm not infertile! I'm firing live rounds!

No, I just...I just can't do it.

I mean, the little bastards never leave you alone, do they?

All right, children,

I'm sure you're all just a little bit frightened

and wondering what all of these police officers

are doing at your school.

But there's nothing to worry about. Is there, DI Jack?

That's right, DI Georgie.

Yeah, we're just here to investigate

the brutal murder of their headmaster.

-How brutal?

-Well, pretty gruesome, actually.

Yeah, he got a knitting needle straight in the neck.

Straight through flesh, muscle and sinew,

straight into the carotid artery.

That's enough, I think, DI Jack.

But it wasn't the needle that got him, it was the blood.

Yeah, he choked on his own blood.

Stop it, you're scaring them!

Oh, right, sorry. But there's no need to worry.

The killer will be going to prison for a very long time.

Well, why don't you just shoot 'em?

CLASS GIGGLES

Yeah, I like where you come from kid, but...

HE LAUGHS SMUGLY ..nowadays there's, you know,

there's due process and courts and stuff.

-Is it because you don't have a gun?

-Listen, I can get a gun

-any time I want.

-Bet you can't.

Listen buddy, I could come back here

with enough firepower to take over a small African country, OK?

-Rubbish!

-For God's sake, stop!

Sorry.

Children, when I was a little girl,

-my daddy was a policeman.

-SHE CHOKES BACK TEARS

And, well...he carried a truncheon, not a gun.

But, my daddy always used to say, "Don't worry,

"the police always get their man, or woman, in the end."

OK, this is boring. Who wants to talk about guns?!

-CLASS:

-Yeah!!

Who wants to talk about all the big, bad guns that I can get hold of?

-CLASS:

-Yeah!!

-Come on!

Listen. What's this?

-Miss, Miss! He's not allowed to do that.

-I know.

Miss, are you going to give him a detention?

-What's your name?

-Chloe.

Chloe...

..that's not a bad idea.

You load it, and then, boooffff!

I think everyone's heard enough, haven't they, DI Jack?!

All right, everyone back to your seats.

Miss, Miss!

They closed by accident.

Arresting kids now? HE CHUCKLES

So who was the last person to have an appointment with the headmaster?

I think that would have been one of the nursery mothers.

Brian...Mr Chaps was planning to spend the week

telling them which of their children

had made it through to the infant classes

Wait, so there are some children who don't?

Oh, I'm afraid so.

And their mothers are always absolutely devastated.

But there are other schools in the area, right?

This is a very prestigious school, detective.

Our reception curriculum offers a broad training

in all fields of education.

We are the only primary school

to offer classes in Taekwondo, for example.

Great(!) Nothing like teaching five year olds to hit stuff.

That's a possible motive though.

The headmaster rejects a child, mummy gets angry.

Which children were rejected today?

I don't know. Mr Chaps wouldn't tell anyone else

until he'd informed the poor mother first.

And who were the mums who saw the headmaster this morning?

Hi, I'm Davina Hall. I understand you want to talk to me?

Please. Take a seat.

Mrs Hall, can you tell us what happened

when you saw the headmaster this morning?

I went in, we shared an oolong,

Brian did say that little Tungsten had come top of the assessment.

By quite some way, apparently.

And that's all?

He told me my son had been given a place at the school and then I left.

-SHE SNIFFLES

-I can't believe it!

I can't believe he's dead!

I'm sorry. You must have been very fond...

I don't give a toss about the headmaster!

Oh...right.

We only got a verbal acceptance.

And now we have to go through

this whole bloody selection process again!

We talked over an oolong and Mr Chaps told me

my daughter had got a place in the school.

And do you know which children were rejected?

No, I don't. But...

I did see Davina Hall burst into tears

and run into the lavatory.

She locked herself in one of the cubicles.

The whole thing was most unsightly.

Tears! Slamming doors!

-In front of all the other mothers!

-And how long...

I mean, when my first husband died, I simply said

"That's that, Charles",

and then I kissed what was left of his hand...

he'd been in a fire, you see.

And then I bloody well got on with things, you know?

Mrs Presley-Nairn, how long was Mrs Hall in the cubicle?

I think she stayed about an hour.

And I think she may have been knitting.

Knitting?

I heard a sort of furious clackety-click

coming from behind the door.

I went in to comfort her. I persuaded her to come out.

But when she finally did,

all she talked about was going back to see Brian.

-I tried to stop her.

-How did you try to stop her?

I don't know. I grabbed her handbag, I think.

But she threw me against the sink

and she stormed back in there anyway.

And this was the last time anyone saw the headmaster alive?

I think so.

Well, thank you, very much.

Yes. Thank you.

SHE GIGGLES

What?

-MIMICS BREATHY VOICE

-"Yes. Thank you."

I do NOT talk like that!

Mrs Hall, why did you lie to us?

He told me Tungsten wasn't getting a place, I was upset.

But I swear on Tungsten's life, I didn't kill him!

Yeah?

Because we're hearing you had both motive and opportunity.

You were the last person to see the headmaster alive.

Mrs Hall, can you pass me your bag, please?

Where's the other needle?

I don't know.

Um, I must have lost it.

Or left it in the bathroom or something?

Sure you did(!)

Or maybe you plunged it into the neck of Brian Chaps!

-Because he didn't give your son a place in this school.

-No!

Davina Hall...

..you're under arrest for the murder of Brian Chaps.

Hey, hey!

I heard you guys had a hell of a morning!

Yeah, from crime scene to arrest in under four hours!

Just call me Jack Flash!

Yeah, plenty of women already do, mate.

Yeah, actually, he's being sarcastic,

I am known as a very considerate and satisfying lover.

By way of reward,

these two...

..are on the house.

It's always on the house.

Today, they're ESPECIALLY on the house.

It can't be ESPECIALLY on the house,

like you can't have somebody EXTREMELY dead.

All right, I'm starting a new cocktail menu

just to drum up some trade.

These are called Tony's Surprise.

HE COUGHS Is it called Tony's Surprise

because it's totally undrinkable?

You, you taste it, Georgina. I trust your judgement.

It's a bit early for me.

Come on, you guys should be celebrating!

The word from the Chancellor's Office

is that your case might make the Bailey.

-Really?

-Yeah! Go on, have a drink! You deserve it.

Yeah, come on, after your morning.

She's just found out her parents are getting divorced.

-Oh, I'm sorry. That must be painful.

-Not as painful as Tony's Surprise.

Look, that's work in progress.

-Seriously, this should be weaponised.

-Shut it!

We're taking a case to the Old Bailey!

-Oh, that's yummy!

-Yeah!

-We need to prepare.

Write our testimony, write a report for the CPS...

What? Are you serious?

I've never done that when I went to the Old Bailey.

This is the Central Criminal Court. The Hanging Court.

This is not something I intend on being casual about.

You know what, we should go shopping.

What for?

-BOTH: New clothes.

-What's wrong with my clothes?

You get a guilty verdict at the Old Bailey,

you're on the front of every newspaper in the country.

That's right.

Looking good is one thing, but at the Bailey,

it's the barristers you've got to watch out for.

Once you're in the box, they'll tear you to pieces.

Not if I talk about the case clearly and succinctly.

Please, they don't want to talk about the case!

They're not going to want to talk about my private life.

Sure they are!

Hey, what's the difference between a hedgehog

-and two barristers in a taxi?

-I don't know.

The hedgehog has the pricks on the outside.

Believe, me you need to be prepared.

-DI Dixon, are you married?

-No.

-Living with someone?

-No.

Off condom?

WHAT is "off condom"?

The milestone in any relationship

when you both agree to have a complete sexual health screening.

-Milestone?

-Yeah, it's a big step.

The modern equivalent of getting engaged.

For God's sake!

And if you want to get out of the relationship,

you can always say you've got something.

I usually go for warts. That seems to work.

So, you're not married, you've no boyfriend.

You're a lone, frigid woman, probably lesbian...

No, no, no, I object to this line of questioning!

You can't object, you're a witness!

Then the CPS barrister objects.

-No, he doesn't.

-It's a she, and she does.

Well, the judge overrules

and directs you to answer the question!

Are you a sad, lonely, desperate, frigid woman who hates mothers?

I don't even know if I want children.

I might decide to put my career first.

Well, you can lie to yourself, DI Dixon.

But please do not lie to this court.

-When was the last time you had sex?

-What?!

Answer the question, when was the last time you had sex?

-Wh...

-Sustained!

But I didn't say anything!

What? You don't like it.

No. No. You...er...you look OK.

Do you really think I'm frigid?

What?

No, no, no, not frigid.

A little chilly, perhaps.

-But in a hot way.

-A hot chilli?

Exactly.

-Looks good.

-Yeah?

Assuming there are going to be female jurors,

do you think I should make it obvious that I dress to the right?

I thought you dressed to the left.

You noticed?

Oh, my God, Jack! That's it!

I assume we're not still talking about which way I hang.

We have to go.

Go, where?

I don't know much about knitting,

but I do know that you cast off from the left or the right.

And looking at this...

..I'm pretty sure Mrs Hall casts off from the left.

Right, so what does that mean?

She's left-handed.

And Naz told us he was stabbed from the right.

Oh, shit! We've arrested the wrong person!

I hate to point the finger, but this is your fault.

-My fault? How is it my fault?

-Well, you're the forensics nerd.

You always bang on about facts and evidence.

You should've known we arrested the wrong person.

-You remember being there too, right?

-Hey, don't try and blame me!

I'm impetuous. That's what makes me a good detective.

-Who also arrested the wrong person!

-Because you let me.

-Can we forget about pointing the finger...

-At you!

..and just concentrate on fixing this mess before the IPCC...

-Hi, DI Georgie.

-I'll leave you to it.

-Are you going to arrest me again?

-I didn't arrest you.

That was just DI Jack being very, very silly.

Don't worry. I deserved it.

Because my parents are getting a divorce

and it's my fault for being so difficult.

I'm sorry to hear that. Of course it's not your fault.

Maybe they're not going to get divorced, anyway.

I'm sure they still love each other, really.

That's denial. My therapist says there's three stages.

Denial's the first.

But parents can't just go getting divorced

and expect their kids to be fine with it! That's hardly fair!

-The second's anger.

-Of course I'm angry!

That...your parents are splitting up.

The third's called acceptance.

Like I've accepted it's all my fault.

Although, my mum also said she wanted to,

"Explore the boundaries of her womanhood."

So that could've had something to do with it.

Right.

I have to go, sorry.

Obviously we can't say this officially,

but we are, really, really, really sorry.

Really sorry.

About arresting you.

Personally, I haven't been having the best day.

I think maybe I haven't been thinking as clearly as I could have.

I don't know who framed me, but what I do know is,

I will be suing you and your department,

unless you make amends for the trauma I've suffered!

-Hold on.

-Look, excuse me,

what if we could find your son a place at Parkwood Manor?

But the headmaster turned him down.

Yes, but, erm, if, you know,

if we manage to keep the details of this investigation

out of the press,

maybe the school would show their generosity?

Then you have yourself a deal.

PHONE BLEEPS

Could this day get any worse?

Oh, things are looking up!

Naz says he's got something for us.

Right, what do you notice?

You're holding hands with a dead man.

Look at his fingers.

He's had a manicure.

Mmm-hmm. And a pedicure.

And...

Oh, Jesus!

Teeth capped and bleached.

He's also had a tummy tuck,

a neck lift, hair implants.

This is about the most bling corpse I've ever had in my fridge!

-So he was vain.

-AND minted.

None of these procedures are cheap, you know.

-This is high-end.

-Good point.

How did a headmaster afford all this?

Dinner at Sketch. Lunch at the Manoir.

Cocktails at The Grill?!

Jesus!

Between the lifestyle and the cosmetic procedures,

looks like Mr Chaps liked to live beyond his means.

What exactly do you want to know?

Well, let's start with how a school secretary

can afford shoes which retail at £700?

Yeah, what's going on?

OK, I admit,

we may have made a teeny, tiny...inducement to Mr Chaps,

to encourage him, so our child could get into school.

-OK, so you bribed the headmaster?

-It wasn't a bribe!

Just a...small token of appreciation.

What sort of token?

We bought him a season's corporate hospitality at Chelsea.

Everyone else was doing it! I didn't want to be left behind.

So I guess you couldn't grease the wheels

by giving him a few of these candles, huh?

Jesus, that's expensive!

Those are hand-crafted scents.

Smells like old feet.

So, Mrs Kyoto, how did you bribe Brian Chaps?

All I did was pay for his Ocado deliveries.

And pay for his weekly reflexology.

'I had no choice.'

Especially as our Hugh isn't exactly blessed in the thinking department.

He's an adorable child, but quite monumentally stupid.

So we bought Chaps this swanky new laptop

with all the dongles and gadgets we could find.

Well, maybe you resented paying all that money

just for a place at a school.

Well, what good would that do me?

I mean, why bribe a man and then kill him?

Surely if I resented it, it would be the other way round, wouldn't it?

Besides, I'm a Buddhist.

Really?

I don't believe violence ever solved anything.

FLY BUZZES

SHE SWATS FLY

Do I look like I can afford to bribe anyone?

Unlike the rest of them, I have to work for a living.

Are these rosary peas?

No, Calabar beans.

So is selling organic jewellery your only form of income?

Apart from my herbal perfumes and mascaras.

SHE SNIFFS

You're welcome to check, if you like.

We will.

It must be tough, being a single mum.

I get by.

-Clearly.

-While the other mums are spending their time

making themselves look like supermodels,

I'm providing for my son.

Well, fortunately for you, you look fantastic.

So, all the other parents have to pay Mr Chaps

because it's the only way they can get their children into the school.

Are we supposed to believe

that you're the sole person that doesn't have to?

My son's genuinely gifted.

I didn't have to bribe anyone.

Come on! All mothers say their kids are child prodigies, don't they?

SHE SNORTS

So, if you have three kids,

that's the total cost before tax

of sending them to private school by the time they're 18.

Wow.

Do you prefer pop, jazz or classical music?

I'm easy.

My little John can play all three at once.

HE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES

HE PLAYS A TUNE

HE RUNS ALONG KEYS

Well...I think we've seen enough.

-Thank you.

-I'm staying.

Thinking of phoning your dad?

If I knew what to say.

Hey, well at least we've got a motive now.

Bribery and corruption.

All for a bunch of infants!

Maybe one of the mums decided

she couldn't make the pay off any more

and decided that murder was the budget option.

So now we need opportunity.

Well, to put Davina in the frame, whoever it was must have known

that her son had been rejected from the school.

And had the chance to take a needle from Davina's bag.

Which narrows it down to three.

Phoebe, Camilla and Saatchi.

But there were four mums at the school that day.

-Well, Sarah isn't a suspect, is she?

-Isn't she?

Hey, you met her son, he got in on merit.

So there's no motive.

Is it your detective brain you're thinking with now,

or another part of your body?

All right, OK, she's attractive.

I'll give her that.

But, listen, she had nothing to do with this murder.

Otherwise, I wouldn't be going out to dinner with her this evening.

You what!? She's a suspect in an ongoing murder investigation!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! It's just dinner!

And she's asked me.

That is so UNBELIEVABLY unprofessional!

OK, let's take a look at this.

Tonight, I'm going to be having dinner with a beautiful woman,

while you're going to be sitting at home

reading your big book of poisons.

I think I'd rather be unprofessional.

Sorry to interrupt you guys,

but this is just to finish off your meal.

-Wow!

-I call this the Chuckle Brothers,

cos you can't have one without the other.

Right, OK. Well, ladies first.

Thank you.

-Oops!

-SHE GIGGLES

Not bad at all.

I'm glad you like it. That's a tenner each.

-What?

-Cash.

He's a very, very sensitive man.

-Here...

-Ooh!

-..have a try.

Mmm! Wow, what's that smell?

Oh, it's one of my homeopathic perfumes.

Oh, really?

-HE SPLUTTERS

-Well, I'm glad you like it.

Yeah, it's really nice.

I call it Concupiscent.

Con...concupiscent?

-It's Latin.

-Ah, Latin, yeah, spicy people.

The birthplace of the samba.

Muy, muy caliente!

-SHE GIGGLES

-Not Latino, Latin.

-As in, Ancient Rome.

-Oh, right, yeah.

It's Latin for 'desirable'.

-Mmmm!

-My boy came up with the idea.

Oh, right.

You know,

I've had men interested in me before.

-Yeah.

-But as soon as they find out I'm a single mum,

it's like they just can't get away fast enough.

Really? Not me.

I love children.

I love everything about them.

The way they run around constantly,

like they're on drugs or something.

They way they cry all the time for absolutely no reason.

The way they eat at restaurants,

really noisily, with absolutely no regard for other patrons.

Yeah. You've got to love them, haven't you?

-You haven't yet been blessed?

-No. No, I haven't.

But, you know, the idea of having a little version of myself

who relies on me for every need

and will one day resent and ignore me is...

you know, just too, too precious.

You're a lovely man, Jack.

And I've had a lovely evening.

So have I.

Only I have to go and relieve the baby-sitter.

Huh?

-But I do hope we can do this again.

-Me too.

And in the meantime...

Oh, yeah. Right.

Just a little something for you to think about tonight.

Don't be afraid to splash it all about.

Yeah, I'll...splash it around.

There's plenty more where that came from.

Mmmm!

HE SNIFFS

BOTTLE SMASHES Oh, oh!

Oh, shit! God!

Bloody hell.

We need to check everybody's financials and do a background...

Hi, Jack!

Hey!

The way she's looking at you...

Yeah, I know! HE SNIGGERS

-Huh!

-What?

-Huh!

-What!

She's always looking at you like that.

It's pupil dilation.

What's that? Some sort of punishment for students?

She's dilating her pupils at you.

-That's what makes her eyes so compelling.

-You what?

Psychologists call it 'bedroom eyes' or 'the Mona Lisa effect'.

Mona Lisa?

Mmm, it's not the smile that makes the portrait so intriguing,

it's her dilated left pupil.

Oh, God! Don't tell me you've done a course in this shit?

Understanding human body language

is an integral part of human psychology.

Well, does it mean she wants to shag me, or what?

I thought it was all shit?

Yes or no?

-Yes.

-Great!

The weird thing is...

you haven't been doing bedroom eyes back at her.

-Don't be ridiculous! Of course I have!

-But you haven't.

Yeah, but I fancy her, so why aren't they dilating?

How should I know? It's your subconscious, not mine.

She's going to think I'm rejecting her.

Well, you are. Non-verbally.

Well, how do I change that?

The thing is, if you find her attractive,

it should just happen naturally.

Oh, look. It's those mothers we interviewed.

MOTHERS BICKER

Apparently, they knit together.

-Knit And Natter.

-Knit And Natter, eh?

Some of that natter might be worth listening to, what do you reckon?

Hmm!

Now that the police have released Davina,

we've really got to stick together, girls.

-They'll come after us next.

-So, mum's the word.

Or who knows what kind of harassment we'll have to put up with.

Well, they've already started poking their noses into my candles.

And my greenhouse.

I seem to have dropped a stitch.

Are you spying on us?

Spying? Don't be absurd.

I'm knitting an egg cosy for my mother.

You got a problem with that?

Because if you are spying on us without a warrant,

I'll complain to your commissioner.

Yeah?

Well, you complain all you want.

A man has been murdered and you three are suspects.

And I owe it to him and his family to see that justice is done.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

DISHES CLATTERS

-How was Knit And Natter?

-Dead end.

How are the financials looking?

Well, bribery is certainly expensive.

Uh-hum, we've been looking at their accounts

-and they're all having financial difficulties.

-Yeah?

Saatchi Kyoto has had to scale back on her children's music lessons.

Phoebe Fitzgerald has been buying cut-price unlicensed Botox online.

OK, hey, hey, here we go, how's that?

No.

Oh? OK, hang on a second, hang on a second.

OK, there we go, yeah.

What's he doing?

Trying to make his pupils dilate.

-Yeah.

-Oh.

How they looking? Yeah?

No, it's not working. What are you thinking about?

OK, naked woman, right, and she's... Come here.

And she's, and she's...

Yeah?

Ugh.

Anyway, Camilla has put a villa in Tuscany on the market.

None of our three suspects are as rich as they are pretending to be.

OK. Well, er, why don't we run with this till around 4.00-ish

and then break, huh?

-What are we doing at 4.00-ish?

-Er, well, I'm meeting up with Sarah.

We're taking little John to the playground.

So you're taking her child with you on a date?

Yeah, cos if I connect with him, right?

I mean, really connect with him on an emotional and,

and a spiritual level,

I'll get to have sex with his mum.

We've stalled so badly on this case

it feels like we're moving backwards.

Yeah, well, let's work it out tomorrow.

In the meantime, phone your dad.

Hey, don't just think about it, call him. I'm off to see Sarah.

-I'll drop you on the way.

-Oh, my God!

What?

Your pupils have finally dilated.

-Really?

-They're huge, almost myodriatic.

-Oh, right, great.

-Not really.

Why are they suddenly dilating now, at the mention of Sarah's name?

Oh, I don't know. I'm a bloke.

Maybe my subconscious is a bit slow on the uptake.

You've taken something, haven't you?

Of course I haven't taken anything!

Honestly?

Look, I like her, but not that much.

Besides, I really don't think

whether or not my pupils are dilated is going to make any difference.

Oh?

If you haven't taken anything then maybe somebody gave you something

that made your pupils contract and it's just worn off.

Oh, come on why would somebody drug me to stop my pupils dilating?

That's just a by-product, a symptom.

I think somebody's trying to poison you.

Oh, God, here we go!

-Aconitum.

-Aca what?

One tiny drop can contract your pupils for up to 36 hours.

-Yeah, where does it come from?

-It can be found in herbaceous perennials.

Like Monkshood or Blue Rocket, any of the buttercup family.

In fact, any of the plants that can be found in Mrs Presley-Nairn's bloody greenhouse.

-Oh, for God's sake!

-We have to go and talk to her.

-No!

You are not ruining my evening just

because you've read too many books on toxicology!

We'll talk to her tomorrow!

Jesus.

-Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Oh, no, really.

I feel terrible.

-Don't worry about it.

-Hold on a minute.

-It's fine. It's fine.

-There we are.

No really. It's, no, really. Please...it's...

really, will you please stop!

I'm a policeman, not a five year old!

Well, I am sorry.

Thank you.

Rude.

-Yeah.

-Hey. Hi.

# You see this guy

Don't shoot me!

# This guy's in love with you

# Yes, I'm in love

# Who looks at you the way I do?

# When you smile I can tell

# We know each other very well

# How can I show you

# I'm glad I got to know you cos... #

He says he wants to give you a present and a big, big kiss

cos you're the bestest, funnest man ever.

Oh, right, bestest, funnest?

Oh, thank you very much.

Thank you.

He actually said you were avuncular with an infectious joie de vivre.

Cute.

-But I thought I'd paraphrase.

-Yeah.

Sorry to be going. But this really was wonderful.

Yeah.

And we'll do it again. Soon.

-Please.

-Next time...without any clothes.

Not, not here though. Yeah.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Silly.

HE COUGHS

-Say bye-bye.

-Bye.

Bye.

# If not, I'll just die... #

So you think I'm poisoning you?

No, she does. I think she's mental.

So, I poisoned your friend,

but without enough poison to do anything?

Except for making my pupils dilate, which if you're guilty of,

then congratulations on committing the most pointless crime ever.

You expect us to believe that you don't know that all of these plants contain poison.

Well, of course they do. They're members of the buttercup family.

And you've never tried to extract a tincture of Aconitum from any them?

No.

Because if you want we can easily get a warrant for forensics

to come in here and they will tear your garden apart.

Won't they? Jack?

Jack?

HE MUMBLES

Oh, my God, muscular paralysis,

that's the first sign of a lethal dose of botulinum toxin.

The main ingredient in Botox.

The stuff your friend Phoebe Fitzgerald orders online.

Oh, God, OK, it was her. Oh, my God, Jack!

I'll call an ambulance.

No, there's no time. OK, botulinum toxin, botulinum toxin, charcoal.

Charcoal! Horticultural charcoal!

OK, crush up some horticultural charcoal and,

and stick it in, stick it in some water.

And bring it over with that funnel, that funnel!

All right, hang on, Jack. Come on hurry up, hurry up!

All right, come on! OK, OK.

All right, all right, you need to swallow, Jack.

Oh, come on, come on, you've got to swallow it, Jack!

You've got to get it down you. Come on, come on, Jack.

All right, all right, OK, that's it, that's it, OK... OK.

HE SNORTS

Oh, God.

How long have I been out for?

24 hours.

Apparently, you're going to live.

-Thanks.

-Anytime.

Oh, God, I haven't woken up feeling this terrible

since my best mate Dan's stag do.

Mind you, that time I was wearing a leather miniskirt

and my head was shaved.

That's a nice image.

Yeah, well, Dan came off worse, let me tell you, his scrotum ...

OK, so do you want to hear my theory? Feel up to it?

Yeah, go on.

Camilla tried to poison you.

And when that didn't work, Phoebe tried in the school corridor.

-What, they're working as a team?

-They had to be.

I think they got fed up with paying the bribes and worked together

to kill Brian Chaps and frame Davina for the murder.

When Davina was freed, their only choice was to go for you.

Yeah, well, you can see why they chose me.

Yeah, I'm the bigger threat. Senior detective. Dangerously handsome.

Or they just think you're a dick.

Hey, don't be jealous, I'm sure they would have killed you second.

I'm not jealous!

It's kind of insulting, though. They didn't chose you first.

I can't help feeling that Saatchi must be involved too.

The three of them are too much in cahoots for her not to be.

And ricin would be the perfect method.

Ricin?

A poison easily obtained from any of the castor beans

she uses to make her soaps and candles and other crap.

How do you get somebody to drink ricin?

You don't drink it, you grind it into a fine powder,

and then dust it on everyday items.

Yeah, well, remind me not to open any get-well cards.

No, Jack, I'm serious, if she's involved,

you need to be really careful.

Ricin is deadly and it can be concealed anywhere.

30 years they were together, 30 years!

I can't imagine how Dad must feel.

I keep wanting to talk to him on the phone but I don't know what to say.

I thought if Jack and I could solve this case,

then we'd take it to the Old Bailey

and he'd have something to feel happy about, you know, or proud of.

But Jack's so... Argh!

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

is this about your parents splitting up or about you and Jack?

He's such a slacker,

you know, always looking for ways to cut corners or knock off early.

If he spent half the time chasing criminals

that he spends chasing women...

That's why we're making mistakes.

No, that's why you make a good team. You and Jack complement each other.

You two are like Luis Bunuel's perfect martini.

-Luis who's what now?

-The Spanish surrealist filmmaker.

Oh, of course, Luis Bunuel!

I found his recipe when I was researching all the cocktails.

You see, you're the gin, the ice and the olives.

So what's Jack, the vermouth?

No, no, no, no, Jack is the je ne sais quoi.

Why can't I be the je ne sais quoi?

Because you don't know what it is, do you?

Je ne sais pas.

HE CHUCKLES

You see, the final element of Bunuel's martini

was a single beam of light.

He's the mystery ingredient that pulls it all together,

the other half to the whole.

Yeah, the arse-whole.

HE LAUGHS

Educational pathfinder.

How sweet.

SHE INHALES DEEPLY

SHE CHOKES

We'll have to wait for the tox report,

but I'm pretty certain it's ricin poisoning.

Ricin? She knew about the bribery. She could testify.

Not any more.

Smile.

Hey, Sarah, hey, yeah, it's me.

It's...it's Jack. Yeah.

Anyway, listen, I was, I was just ringing to tell you that

Camilla, Phoebe and Saatchi have been arrested.

Yeah, well, you know, it's all in a day's work, babe.

-Hi.

-Hi, DI Georgie.

Chloe, isn't it?

I probably should have told you earlier, but...

-my parents are getting divorced too.

-Really?

Uh-hum. You do know it's going to be OK, don't you?

Are you basing this on anything

or just trying to make me feel better?

I'm saying it because it's true.

My parents are divorcing each other, they are not divorcing me.

They'll always be proud of me

just like I'm sure your parents will always be proud of you.

Do you really think so?

I'm a police officer. We're not allowed to lie.

We get court-martialled and shot.

-That's soldiers.

-Clever clogs.

What do you think? My first day at the Old Bailey.

Yeah, it's all right.

What's wrong?

I'm just thinking, haven't we been here before?

I know, I was just thinking the same thing.

Look, all the evidence fits.

They all had means, motive and opportunity

but three poisoners, all at once?

And two different MOs?

Someone definitely tried to poison you.

Maybe it was someone close.

Not this again.

You had dinner with her, she must have had opportunity.

Look, Sarah didn't touch my food, OK, I'd have noticed if she did.

Maybe it wasn't in the food.

The only other thing was,

she was wearing this really strong home-made perfume, Concupis...

-Concupiscent.

-That's it.

She gave me a whole bottle of the stuff after our first date.

-And you didn't think that was weird?

-No, I just thought it was kinky.

But then on our second date,

when she touched my face, her glove stank of the stuff.

Oh, my God, it was the perfume that was poisoned.

-She tried to kill me!

-It does look that way.

OK, OK, look, setting aside why the hell she would want to poison me,

why would she want to kill the headmaster?

Sarah doesn't have any money.

No-one gets their kid into that school for free.

Maybe...

Maybe he was demanding payment in another way?

Sex with Brian Chaps, eugh!

Calibar bracelet.

Rosary pea earrings.

I bet your mascara even has a touch of belladonna in, doesn't it?

-To make your pupils dilate.

-What's belladonna?

Otherwise known as deadly nightshade.

And this bottle of Concu, Concu ...

-Concupiscent.

-Yeah, whatever! Has that got Aconitum in it?

Or was that just for me? Hmm?

We're going to test all your products for toxins, Sarah,

then we're going to run them against the toxins in Jack's bloodstream.

-Yuh.

-You will be going to prison.

I just have one question for you.

Yeah. Did you ever really fancy me?

That's not my question. My question is, why kill him?

I didn't have any choice.

Even though my son's a prodigy, that bastard headmaster refused to have

little John in his reception class unless I agreed to sleep with him.

Well, I couldn't blow little John's chances.

-So you blew something else.

-It was just once.

Six pathetic minutes in his office, and I thought that would be it.

But Brian had other ideas.

He expected me to keep sleeping with him,

otherwise he'd exclude little John and give his place to some kid

with a mummy who had a debenture at Wimbledon.

So you killed him and then you framed Davina by stealing

her knitting needle while pretending to comfort her?

But then once we released Davina,

you needed another tactic, didn't you?

So you implicated the other mothers.

I knew I could sell the idea to a young detective like you,

gagging for something to bring to the Old Bailey.

But as soon as you hit on me, you became the problem.

I knew you'd find out in the end.

Why didn't you just give him the brush off?

Because if I'd rejected Jack that would have been

even more suspicious, wouldn't it?

Oh, come on, he's bloody gorgeous, what sane woman wouldn't want him?

Me, for one.

It's a compelling case, put that to a lenient judge,

he may go easy on you.

I'm so sorry, Jack.

I was attracted to you,

really attracted to you and I probably always will be.

So before you arrest me,

won't you at least give me a kiss goodbye?

No! Wait! Stop! Give me that!

Oleander. It's got Oleander in it.

Will you please stop trying to kill my partner!

-Was that another poison?

-Yep!

Jesus!

Except you're not wearing a protective layer of lip salve.

Whereas you are, aren't you, Sarah?

-And now, the finishing touch.

-Yeah, what's that?

Ahhhh!

-I don't get it.

-What do you mean?

Well, what is that? Some sort of heat-emitting pen?

No, mate, it's a torch.

Well, what do you need a torch for?

I mean, I can see the drink,

I don't need you pointing some poxy torch at it.

Well, it's supposed to recreate the effect of sunlight,

you know, provoke reverie and amazement.

The only thing that provokes in me is annoyance,

you're twatting about with some torch while I'm waiting for my drink.

I love the lighty thing, I think it makes it more yummy.

No, no, no, that's not the point, it's like Tom Cruise

and that er, that, that other bloke in...in Cocktail.

Bryan Brown.

Yeah, the Australian geezer.

Anyway, you know they are busy mixing cocktails,

everyone's standing around, shouting and carrying on,

but I tell you what, if that was me, in that bar, I'd be pissed off.

-Why?

-Because, while they're flipping it over their shoulder

and fannying about, I've got my tongue hanging out,

I'd be like, "Excuse me, mate, I'm paying you to make me

"a Bloody Mary, not dick about with a cocktail shaker."

Now can I drink this, please?!

Georgie, that's on the house, babe.

-Thanks, Tony.

-Pleasure.

Mmm, mate, that is delish!

-Do you like it?

-Yeah.

-15 quid.

-What!?

-Cash.

-Hey, what happened to on the house?

-You keep talking, it'll be 20.

All right.

DOOR OPENS

There you go.

Oh, oh, shall I leave you to it?

No, it's fine.

Hi, George. How are you doing?

Dad.

I have something to tell you.

Jack and I are taking a case to the Old Bailey.

Oh, sweetheart, that's fantastic.

THEY LAUGH

I thought it would cheer you up.

I haven't really known what to say.

Sweetheart, I'm fine.

I knew you'd say that.

Honestly. I even went speed dating last week, it's bloody brilliant!

Have you any idea, how well a man my age, with his own hair,

-can actually do?

-You hound!

-So come on then, Jackie boy, where's the woman in your life?

-Don't.

My perfect woman has just turned out to be

a cold-hearted, manipulative bitch, who wanted to kill me.

Since when...? Sarah was your perfect woman?

Yeah, pretty much. Well, apart from the kid, of course.

And the home-made jewellery and that homeopathy.

In fact, she was a bit of a hippy really, wasn't she?

Well, maybe she wasn't my perfect woman.

Anyway, I'll leave you to it.

Oh, Jack, here's that book you asked me to get for you.

Oh, yeah. Oh, right yeah, thanks.

Wait, wait, wait not so fast!

Advanced Forensic Toxicology. I'm rubbing off on you.

Hey, listen, I am not a nerd, like you, OK.

It's just next time someone tries to poison me, I want to know about it.

Hey! The second one's a real page-turner, baby!

Yeah, you'd know.

Here you go. Cheers, guys, on the house.

I'm so not ready to talk about your love life.

Ditto!

Armed robbery on the jewellery store.

It's our most expensive diamond.

The thieves knew what they wanted,

they also knew the codes to the safe.

I've had 615 responses from Speed of Love Direct.

Wow, so you did use the topless shot.

It's from my brother. He's getting married.

Will you be my best man?

Ah, Jack!

-Why don't you get on with him again?

-Because he's an arsehole, all right?

Don't move!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd