Episode 3 W1A


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This programme contains some strong language

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Stand by, two. Mix through. Cue on two.

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The BBC has announced the appointment

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of ex-Head of Olympic Deliverance Ian Fletcher

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as its new Head of Values.

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Time now for the shipping forecast.

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Superimpose.

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I'm a bit busy this morning, so I'll have to get back to you,

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but, no, from the hip, I mean, surely,

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unless I've misunderstood this,

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Songs Of Praise isn't actually about ratings, is it?

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I mean, that's not its...

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'8.30 on another morning at New Broadcasting House

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'in central London.

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'Ian Fletcher has now been in his job

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'as the BBC's Head of Values for nearly a month.'

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If you take that out, what have we actually got left?

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In the end... Thanks, Will.

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In the end, if we're not careful, it'll be Top Gear,

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Strictly Come Dancing and, you know, Bake Offs of various kinds,

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and, frankly, I'm not sure that's quite what Lord Reith had in mind.

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Reith. Lord Reith.

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As opposed to people watching each other

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stuffing their faces with caramelised whatever

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or crying because they haven't got the right kind of self-raising flour

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in their apple turnovers or whatever.

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OK, I don't care whether you do or not, that's just an example, OK?

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Right.

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Perhaps I should say what's driving this, I think,

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-apart from that it's crucial in its own right...

-Brilliant.

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The real urgency behind it is this Reith thing next month.

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'By 9am, Ian is already chairing

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'the fortnightly Way Ahead Task Force Group.

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'BBC Director-General Tony Hall is due to deliver the keynote speech

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'at a major BBC thing next month to celebrate the death 43 years ago

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'of the first ever Director-General, Lord Reith.'

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Cameron's been invited, Miliband, I think,

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Maria Miller, Culture Secretary, obviously, so basically it's...

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-Lis Murdoch from Shine.

-Right, yes, so...

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Peter Fincham from ITV.

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Yes, thank you. So, basically anyone who's anyone.

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-Not to mention the Prince of Wales.

-Yes. Thank you, Simon.

-Yay.

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-Not sure who he's from.

-He's from Wales.

-What?

-Duh.

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'With the anniversary in mind

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'and the campaign for Charter Renewal in 2016

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'coming closer by the fortnight,

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'Ian is joined by Director of Strategic Governance Simon Harwood,

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'Head of Output Anna Rampton,

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'Senior BBC Communications Officer Tracey Pritchard,

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'Brand BBC Consultant Siobhan Sharpe from PR Company Perfect Curve,

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'and two other people,

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'to think some Big Thoughts about the BBC's purpose.'

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This will be the opening shot in the campaign

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to secure the future and the values

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of the institution we're all sitting in now.

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-Cool.

-Yes, very good, very strong.

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With that in mind, I thought it might be interesting -

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maybe illuminating, who knows -

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-just to start by asking everyone in this room to write down...

-Yes.

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-..to write down one word...

-Brilliant.

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-This is so cool, we love this.

-OK, no.

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-One word?

-I'm sorry.

-Yes, one word.

-Turquoise.

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-No, I haven't started yet.

-OK.

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-Write down one word that...

-Yep.

-The first thing that...

-No, sure.

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The first thing that comes into your mind when you hear the word "BBC".

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-OK, so it's not a word.

-Got it.

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Just write that word down, then fold it up so no-one can see it, and...

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-OK Go.

-Right. OK. You've got 30 seconds.

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OK, OK, OK.

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Can I just say, I'm not being funny or anything,

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-but I'm really not good at this.

-It's not a test.

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-I'm OK at most things.

-Just whatever comes into your head.

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-Er, no, that's way better. This is so cool.

-Finished, sir.

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-Can you have smells?

-Smells?

-No, sure.

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Like the smell of the building when you come in in the morning.

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-Is it the smell of success, Tracey?

-No, it's not that, Simon.

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It's more like some sort of detergent or something.

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You can have whatever you want.

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You can have whatever you want. It's cool.

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Right. OK. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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-OK, so if you just want to pass them along.

-No peeking.

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-Anna, you haven't... You really don't...

-No.

-No, OK.

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-The fact is, I really don't do this.

-Right, OK. OK, good. So...

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Right, OK, good. So, that's all good.

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OK. OK, sure, but the screening itself starts at seven.

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OK, great. Thanks, Margo. I'll...

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No, yeah, I'll tell him, but I'm sure that'll be fine.

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OK, see you later.

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OK, thanks, great. Bye.

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-Hi, Will.

-Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah, hi.

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-You OK?

-Yeah, no, that's cool, I don't mind.

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'Meanwhile, intern Will Humphries

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'is busy with an important mission of his own.'

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-This is, like, Ian Fletcher's bike.

-OK, yes.

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I have to find somewhere to put it, cos he's like a nomad.

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-A what?

-Nomad.

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-Right.

-Yeah, I know, mental, but it's, like, a challenge.

-Right.

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-I was thinking, maybe it could be here, near your desk.

-OK.

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-Then I would know where it was.

-You can leave it here, if you like.

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-OK, wow, cool.

-I can keep an eye on it for him.

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I've got to keep an eye on it for him. That's the challenge.

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-Well, whatever.

-Yeah.

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-Put it next to Simon's. We can both keep an eye on it.

-OK, cool.

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-Actually, Will, are you busy this morning?

-What, now?

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-Well, this morning, yes.

-No.

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I'm a bit busy today. Would you be able to...?

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OK, cool, yeah, no worries.

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We're sending out the invitations to the Reith thing today.

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Yeah. The what?

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Tony Hall's going to be giving this... Actually, it's a bit...

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-OK.

-It doesn't...

-That's cool.

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Would you be able to fold the letters

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-and put them in the envelopes?

-Cool.

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-Do you want to sit down here?

-OK, cool, yeah, no worries.

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So, they're all printed out and signed by Tony Hall,

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and all of the envelopes have got the addresses on.

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-Wow! How many of them are there?

-400.

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-Whoa! Cool.

-They're all in the right order in the piles,

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-so it should be really straightforward.

-Yeah.

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-But it is quite important...

-That's OK.

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..to make sure that the right letter goes in the right envelope.

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-Yeah, no, obviously. Cool.

-Are you going to be OK with that?

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Yeah, cool. Yeah, no worries. With what?

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With everything that I just explained to you.

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-Yeah, no worries. Yeah, cool.

-Right.

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-Yeah, so where are you going to sit?

-No...

-I could sit on the bike.

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-I've got this Syncopatico Update course this morning.

-Oh. OK.

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-But I'll be back at lunchtime.

-OK, cool.

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-Hey. Ready?

-Yes, just coming.

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-Really, Will, that'll so brilliant. You're a star.

-Yeah, OK, cool.

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I suppose what I'm not clear about

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is how moving it to radio would refresh it

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or what sort of signals that'd send out.

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'Back in Frankie Howerd, Ian has moved the Way Ahead meeting

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'away from Big Thoughts and onto Detail.'

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-It's people singing in churches.

-Well, yes.

-Cool idea.

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There's no jeopardy. There's no appointment to view.

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-It's not even a competition.

-Oh, bummer.

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'There's been a proposal

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'to move the BBC's much-loved religious big-hitter Songs Of Praise

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'from its current slot on Sunday evening.'

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Am I right in thinking that what's in your mind, Anna, here instead,

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is Britain's Tastiest Village?

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-Village is still floating at the moment.

-Right. Is it?

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But we have a duty to give people what they want.

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Might it be our duty sometimes to lead people towards things

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-they didn't realise they wanted?

-Yes, very good.

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-Well, no.

-Duh!

-Right.

-Frankly, that's ludicrous.

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-Guys, you don't sell crab cakes in a sausage factory.

-Brilliant.

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-Exactly.

-Have we got that?

-Uh-huh.

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Tony'll be practically beside himself.

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The big positive to take out of this

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is that this is exactly the sort of debate we should be having at this stage.

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-Brilliant.

-So, that's all good.

-Cool.

-I guess the other thing

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to think about at some point will be the logo issue.

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-Sure, yeah.

-The logo issue?

-Yeah.

-Cool.

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Ah, OK. You guys haven't spoken yet.

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No, no, but that's cool. That's so going to happen.

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Well, what about it happening now?

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Well, this is just something that Siobhan mentioned in passing,

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and I happened to mention it to Tony, that's all.

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-Right, I see. So...

-OK, so here's the thing with this, guys.

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You want to up-size your footprint, you gotta get different shoes.

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-What?

-'As part of the debate about what the BBC is for,

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'Siobhan has come up with the idea of refreshing the BBC's logo

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'as a way of achieving various different things.'

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You home screen, your brand takeaway, right there in the logo,

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you're drinking from the fire hose from the get-go.

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-It's a no brainer.

-Right.

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I'm sorry, I'm not being funny or anything,

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but so far, I don't think I've understood a single thing

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-you've actually said this morning.

-Cool.

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If it helps, what Siobhan said to me,

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and what caught Tony's attention, was that the BBC

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should maybe look and feel more like an app going forward.

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-Sure, totally.

-Right.

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-An app.

-OK, that works.

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But are we in danger of putting the cart before the horse here?

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-Ah, yes, very good.

-OK, we SO don't need horses here.

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I don't think you've quite...

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-OK, that's so wrong, I don't even know where to start.

-Brilliant.

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-Dan, hi.

-Oh, hi, yeah.

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-What are you doing out here?

-Um, yeah...

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-Why weren't you waiting inside?

-Yeah, no, I went in.

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-I prefer it out here, really.

-Right.

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'Meanwhile, down at reception,

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'producer Lucy Freeman has gone down to meet new writer Dan Shepherd.'

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-When did you come down?

-I came down last night.

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-You've got friends you stay with.

-I stay with my ex-girlfriend.

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-Sounds like a very level-headed arrangement.

-It was all right.

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I didn't know she was my ex-girlfriend when I set off.

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-Oh. Right.

-But no, still, yeah, it was OK.

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-I read it again this morning.

-Oh, right.

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It's really good. It's really good.

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We should be going in there with real confidence.

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-If you want to do that.

-Well, no.

-I think I'll just go in as me.

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'Now 36, Dan has come in for a potentially important meeting

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'about a potential project that Lucy's been helping him develop

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'for the last few years of his potential life.'

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-It's easy for me to say this. You've got to believe in yourself.

-Yeah.

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-I'm not doing this as a favour, OK? You know, life's too short.

-Yeah.

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I probably shouldn't say this,

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but I end up working on so many shows I don't really care about.

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Bloody hell, these chairs are a height.

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-Shall we just stand up?

-I think I'd feel safer, yeah.

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Yes, of course, yes, good idea.

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-You OK?

-Yeah.

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Eventually, a continuity announcer is going to end up saying,

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-"And now on BBC Two, it's time for Home Truth..."

-Yeah.

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"..a brand-new comedy drama starring whoever and whoever."

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-Yeah, them.

-I genuinely believe that. So must you.

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Yeah. Do they have loos in here?

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Of course. Through the doors at the end and on the left.

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-Right. Great. Thanks.

-Yes.

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No, we have bloody apologised. No, I have.

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No, we did. Yes, it is.

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'Meanwhile, Current Controller of News and Current Affairs Neil Reid

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'is busy being a man under pressure.'

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We've got an apology on the website,

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we did an apology on the Today programme,

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I've apologised to Tony personally. He's... No, I haven't finished yet.

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He's apologised to Patten,

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I think he's looking for someone to apologise to as we speak.

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So, you know, we really are bloody sorry.

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I don't know what else we can do.

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Please do. And while you're at it, give her one from me.

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Thanks. Bye, bye.

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Right.

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-Ah. The Joy of News.

-Fuck, that's hot. What do you want, Simon?

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-Have you got a minute?

-No, I haven't. No, not really.

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I mean, for what it's worth,

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-I know that Tony's absolutely behind you on this.

-Yeah, bollocks.

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'Following an item broadcast on the BBC News Channel

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'there's been a serious complaint about the quality of journalism

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'in the Corporation's coverage of the ongoing crisis in Syria.'

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This is what? A junior picture researcher, was it?

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It was 4am. It's not his fault.

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-PHONE BUZZES

-He's a good kid.

-No, of course.

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He's been working all night. But the fact is...

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Nick, I'll phone you back. Yep.

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The fact is that for about half an hour this morning,

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just till we start getting the calls,

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we were running the story with a picture of Trudie Styler

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-instead of President Assad's wife Asma.

-Yep.

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-You know, that's not good.

-No. And what was the story?

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-She's been shopping for something somewhere.

-Right.

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We fixed it as soon as we could, but by then it's too late,

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and then we get "The Call" and all bloody hell breaks loose.

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-No, I mean, that is bad luck.

-Yeah.

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And if there's anyone you don't want to cross, it's Trudie Styler.

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No, it's Asma bloody Assad who's complained.

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Oh, I see, of course, yes.

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-That's why it's such a giant fuck up.

-No, brilliant, Neil, brilliant.

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Tracey, hi.

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Hang on, when you say I might like to know about it,

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so this is a bad thing...

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'Meanwhile, elsewhere in the building, it's becoming clear to Ian

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'that as Head of Values, you can never be sure what's coming next

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'or exactly where it's coming from.'

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Well, I mean, where are you?

0:12:300:12:32

Right, OK, yes, I know. You mean the...

0:12:320:12:35

Is it Beirut? I thought it was Cairo.

0:12:350:12:37

-They're saying they might run it tomorrow.

-Right.

-I know.

0:12:370:12:40

I don't want to be negative or anything,

0:12:400:12:42

but I've got a very bad feeling about this.

0:12:420:12:43

Senior BBC Communications Officer Tracey Pritchard

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has had advance warning from the media editor of The Daily Telegraph

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of a feature they're about to run

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on the issue of BBC executive salaries,

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as part of which they're intending to use Ian's salary

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as its so-called so-called Head of Values as an example.

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The first thing to say, Ian, I've no idea personally

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-whether that figure is actually accurate or not.

-Right.

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Presumably that's something you'll be able to confirm or otherwise for yourself now.

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-Yes. I mean, yes.

-Because they're bandying this figure about,

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but that's obviously at the heart of the whole story.

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Well, yes, absolutely, yes.

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I don't want to pry into your personal affairs, Ian,

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-because I don't do that, that's not the sort of person I am.

-No.

0:13:200:13:23

-But is that what you earn?

-Broadly speaking... It's certainly...

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-They've obviously...

-That IS what you earn.

-I'd need, obviously, to...

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-Right. OK.

-I'd need to go back and check the...just look at the...

0:13:290:13:32

I'm not being funny or anything,

0:13:320:13:34

but when I saw it, I was assuming it was wildly inaccurate.

0:13:340:13:37

-Right. Well...

-As it is, I've gotta say we are not in a good place here.

0:13:370:13:40

Well, obviously we need to start thinking about a strategy now.

0:13:400:13:43

I don't want to be dramatic or anything,

0:13:430:13:45

but I think what we could be looking at is a miracle.

0:13:450:13:47

-Dan, hi.

-Yeah, hi, yeah.

-Really good to meet you.

-Yes, you too. Yeah.

0:13:490:13:52

-And Matt.

-Dan.

-Yeah, hi.

0:13:520:13:54

-Thanks for this. We know how busy you guys are.

-Yes.

0:13:540:13:56

-No sure. You came down from Leeds?

-Yeah.

-Great.

0:13:560:13:59

-Well, from Wetherby.

-Right.

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-I got a bus to Leeds.

-Great. Have a seat.

-Yeah.

0:14:010:14:03

'Meanwhile, Lucy and writer Dan Shepherd

0:14:030:14:05

'have got their potentially vital meeting

0:14:050:14:07

'with Head of Output Anna Rampton

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'and BBC Head of Generic Comedy Drama Matt Taverner.'

0:14:090:14:13

-You want to tell us a bit about Home Truth?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:14:130:14:15

'They know that if they're ever going to have a chance

0:14:150:14:18

'to get Dan's idea finally off the ground, this is either it or not.'

0:14:180:14:22

Cos I've seen it develop to this point,

0:14:220:14:24

which has been a terrific process,

0:14:240:14:25

but, Dan, maybe you can just say a bit about the basic premise.

0:14:250:14:28

-Yeah, OK.

-OK, good.

0:14:280:14:30

So, basically, it's set in Scarborough, believe it or not.

0:14:300:14:32

-Great.

-I mean, that's not very...

0:14:320:14:34

It's basically just about ordinary people

0:14:340:14:36

trying to live their lives as well as they can.

0:14:360:14:38

-Right.

-Great.

-Yeah.

0:14:390:14:41

Obviously it's a relationship story at the centre of it.

0:14:430:14:45

-Yeah, kind of, yeah.

-So, this script is what? It's...

0:14:450:14:48

Yes, so when Dan first came to me with the idea originally,

0:14:480:14:51

I suggested he do a synopsis, maybe a couple of sample scenes.

0:14:510:14:54

But what Dan came back with eventually was,

0:14:540:14:56

he came back with the whole thing, all the characters,

0:14:560:14:58

their whole world, you know, just there.

0:14:580:15:00

-Great.

-And by there, you mean Scarborough.

-Yeah.

0:15:000:15:03

I suppose... Well, Dan, we haven't talked about this,

0:15:030:15:05

-but I suppose it doesn't actually have to be Scarborough.

-Yeah, no.

0:15:050:15:09

Could just as well be Bridlington, or Whitby if you want to go north.

0:15:090:15:12

-It's a character-led piece.

-Great.

-The location's actually secondary.

0:15:120:15:15

-It's called Home Truth.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Why is it called that?

0:15:150:15:19

I guess it's called that because she's a small-town solicitor.

0:15:190:15:24

-A solicitor?

-Yeah, but not like a hotshot or anything.

0:15:240:15:26

She's dealing with ordinary people's stuff.

0:15:260:15:28

-But in the end, what she's dealing with is truth.

-Right.

0:15:280:15:31

I have to say, I think it's a brilliant title.

0:15:310:15:33

-But, like, in her life, in her relationship...

-Yes.

0:15:330:15:35

..I guess what she starts to realise...

0:15:350:15:37

-Yeah, no, sure. I mean, Matt...

-Yep.

-What's your...? What do you think?

0:15:370:15:42

-Yeah, no, I mean, great, Dan. I mean, really interesting.

-Yeah.

0:15:420:15:45

I mean, I have to say, for me, it does feel a bit long.

0:15:450:15:48

-Long?

-For me, a bit, yeah.

0:15:500:15:52

-Right. OK.

-I mean, do you want to put a bit of detail on that, Matt?

0:15:520:15:55

-No, sure.

-Just to help Dan get a sense of what you mean.

0:15:550:15:57

Yeah, no, sure.

0:15:570:15:58

-Hi, Will.

-Oh, cool, yeah, hi.

-Wow, amazing.

-Yeah, no worries.

0:16:070:16:10

I was pretty slow to begin with, but then you get a rhythm.

0:16:100:16:12

That's really...

0:16:120:16:14

-No, but hang on. No, the envelopes...

-Yeah.

0:16:140:16:17

You've got them... They're upside down.

0:16:170:16:19

Yeah, no, cool, cos it's quicker like that.

0:16:190:16:21

-Right.

-Yeah, it's, like, flap up, in, seal, done. It's a system.

0:16:210:16:24

Yeah. No, but they were in the right order, the addresses.

0:16:240:16:27

Yeah, no, they're in the same order. It's just they're the other way up.

0:16:270:16:30

Right, so that's the wrong order.

0:16:300:16:32

-Yeah.

-Completely. With the bottom one on the top.

0:16:320:16:34

-Yeah, OK, no.

-I mean, Jesus Christ. Will...

-Yeah.

0:16:430:16:46

I've got the second half of that course this afternoon.

0:16:460:16:49

It's like sometimes I just don't think.

0:16:490:16:51

I'm just thinking in terms of hinterland, really.

0:16:530:16:55

-Maybe show, don't tell.

-Yeah.

-I may be wrong.

-Yeah.

0:16:550:16:58

'Back in the script meeting, Head of Generic Comedy Drama Matt Taverner

0:16:580:17:02

'is still explaining what he means to Lucy and Dan.'

0:17:020:17:04

-I think is it worth maybe thinking about consequences.

-Consequences.

0:17:040:17:08

It might just be this particular iteration of the idea.

0:17:080:17:11

Yes, you do realise you've got two episodes there, Matt?

0:17:110:17:14

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, no, sure.

0:17:140:17:15

So, one of the great things about working with Dan is,

0:17:150:17:18

he goes away and comes back with two scripts off his own bat.

0:17:180:17:20

I wanted to know what happened next.

0:17:200:17:22

Yes, no, of course, don't get me wrong, that's great.

0:17:220:17:25

No, I mean, I don't know. Just in terms of story, I suppose...

0:17:250:17:27

-Yeah.

-Is there a way of maybe starting in the middle here

0:17:270:17:30

-instead of at the beginning?

-Oh, OK.

0:17:300:17:32

-Or is it maybe a question of re-imagining the precinct?

-Yeah.

0:17:320:17:34

Just to give it, if you like, maybe a bit more narrative heft.

0:17:340:17:37

-Yeah, maybe, yeah.

-Good, OK.

-Well, no, hang on...

0:17:370:17:39

-Really good to meet you.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

0:17:390:17:41

-So, what would be really great, Matt and Anna...

-Sure.

0:17:410:17:43

..good for Dan and...well, no, good for both of us, actually,

0:17:430:17:46

good for me too, is to come away from this meeting

0:17:460:17:48

with a clear sense of where we are with this.

0:17:480:17:50

-I think I've got that.

-I'm with you, Lucy.

0:17:500:17:52

-It'd be great if we could get this thing across the line.

-Yes.

0:17:520:17:54

Across... Well, that's... Let's... It is across... What line?

0:17:540:17:57

I'd say this really does feel like a very strong first draft.

0:17:570:18:00

-Yeah.

-I mean, really strong.

0:18:000:18:01

I mean, what I'd say is it's absolutely worth you

0:18:010:18:03

keeping us in the loop about where you go with it creatively.

0:18:030:18:06

-Right.

-Anna?

-Yeah, absolutely. Good. Yeah.

0:18:060:18:08

OK. OK.

0:18:080:18:10

Well, that's... I mean, thank you very...

0:18:100:18:12

-Thank you very... Thank you.

-Yeah, great.

0:18:120:18:14

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so I had this thing

0:18:250:18:27

where if you take the first B and flip it the other way, OK?

0:18:270:18:31

-OK, I don't get that.

-Then it's more...

-I don't get it.

0:18:310:18:33

Straightaway it's just... I mean...

0:18:330:18:35

-Do another one.

-Yeah.

-Flippety-flip-flip.

0:18:350:18:37

'Meanwhile, across town at PR company Perfect Curve,

0:18:370:18:40

'Siobhan Sharpe's creative team

0:18:400:18:42

'are already feeding back to her creatively

0:18:420:18:44

'on the issue of the BBC logo.'

0:18:440:18:46

We're like, what if the BBC was a fruit?

0:18:460:18:48

-OK.

-What sort of fruit would it be?

0:18:480:18:49

-Yeah, fruit, yeah.

-Cool.

-So, what we came up...

0:18:490:18:52

-Mango.

-Yeah, so first...

-Kiwi fruit. Guava. I love this.

0:18:520:18:55

Yeah. So, first we were like, an apple?

0:18:550:18:57

-Yeah, yeah, an apple, yeah.

-Yeah, or maybe like a pear?

-Or an apple.

0:18:570:19:01

-Yeah, an apple.

-No, we love apples. Say some more.

0:19:010:19:03

-Yeah, maybe a kind of cheese.

-Yeah, that's not a fruit.

0:19:030:19:05

But a hard cheese, not a smelly one.

0:19:050:19:08

OK, I don't know how to say this,

0:19:080:19:09

but this is not just another brand refresh, OK?

0:19:090:19:12

This is the British Broadcasting, like, Company. This is major shit.

0:19:120:19:18

-Yeah.

-For sure.

-Yeah.

-We screw the pooch on this one,

0:19:180:19:21

we're sucking nothing but sauerkraut here.

0:19:210:19:23

'Tasked with the task

0:19:230:19:24

'of re-conceptualising the world-famous BBC brand

0:19:240:19:27

'to make it feel more like an app,

0:19:270:19:29

'Ideation Architect Barney Lumsden, Trending Analyst Coco Lomax

0:19:290:19:34

'and Viral Concept Designer Karl Marx

0:19:340:19:36

'have put their individual heads together

0:19:360:19:38

'to see if anything happens.'

0:19:380:19:40

-So, we've had this really big idea.

-OK. This is good, guys.

0:19:400:19:43

So, we're like, you know when you look at your iPad or your phone,

0:19:430:19:46

whatever, yeah, and you, like, look at the apps,

0:19:460:19:49

and it's, like, none of them have got, like, any letters or anything.

0:19:490:19:53

Yeah, like, or they've got one letter.

0:19:530:19:55

-Yeah, one letter.

-Like F for like Facebook.

-Yeah.

0:19:550:19:57

Yeah, or, like, a phone for, like, a phone.

0:19:570:19:59

Yeah, but what they don't have is any, like, writing.

0:19:590:20:02

-No.

-No.

-OK.

0:20:020:20:03

And then you look at the BBC app and it's got...

0:20:030:20:06

-it's like it's got writing, like, all over it.

-Yeah.

0:20:060:20:09

-Cos they've got, like, B, B and C.

-Yeah, it's letters city here, guys.

0:20:090:20:13

And then it's got BBC Weather, BBC News, BBC Sport, BBC iPlayer...

0:20:130:20:17

Sure. OK, I get this.

0:20:170:20:18

Yeah, it's like they don't know what to do with all the letters,

0:20:180:20:21

they just stuck them on the app.

0:20:210:20:22

Help me, I can't see for writing.

0:20:220:20:24

Yeah, it's like... It's not Jane Austen here, guys.

0:20:240:20:26

Get real. It's an iPad - get an iCon.

0:20:260:20:29

-That's why we had an iDea.

-Yeah, and that's when...

-An iDea.

0:20:290:20:32

And that's when we realised what the thing about the BBC logo was.

0:20:320:20:36

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:20:360:20:37

OK, what? Don't do this, say stuff.

0:20:370:20:40

-Lose the letters.

-Yep.

-Shit.

0:20:400:20:43

-Yeah, cos they're just not a very appy thing to have.

-Shut up!

0:20:430:20:46

-It's un-appy.

-Shut up!

-Yeah, that's why...

0:20:460:20:48

Yeah, we're not doing cheese, OK?

0:20:480:20:50

-OK.

-It doesn't work.

-Yeah.

0:20:500:20:53

I mean, presumably, Tracey,

0:21:010:21:02

the reason they've given us a head start on this

0:21:020:21:04

is so we can give them some kind of official statement.

0:21:040:21:07

Exactly, Simon, yes. "In response, the BBC issued a statement

0:21:070:21:10

"in which it described the role of Head of Values as..."

0:21:100:21:12

-you know, duh-duh-duh-duh, something or other.

-Brilliant.

0:21:120:21:15

Yes, although is it just me, or is "duh-duh-duh-duh, something or other"

0:21:150:21:19

-not quite going to do it somehow?

-Yes, no, very good.

-Yes.

0:21:190:21:21

'Meanwhile, Director of Strategic Governance Simon Harwood

0:21:210:21:25

'has convened a down and dirty Damage Limitation Session

0:21:250:21:27

'in order to have a chat about the impending Daily Telegraph feature

0:21:270:21:31

-'on the size of Ian's salary.'

-Beyond the e-mail exchange I've read,

0:21:310:21:34

how much more detail have they given you

0:21:340:21:35

-about the piece they're going to run?

-Nothing.

-Right. OK.

0:21:350:21:38

No, this guy Andrew, he's features editor, he's Scottish,

0:21:380:21:41

-and not in a good way, if you know what I mean.

-Right.

0:21:410:21:43

But you'll know how you want to handle this, Ian,

0:21:430:21:45

but it's not difficult to predict where they're going to go with it.

0:21:450:21:48

-Well...

-That's easy.

-Yes.

0:21:480:21:49

What are we doing spending hard-earned licence payer's money...

0:21:490:21:52

-Very good.

-..and a sizeable chunk of it, on some big, fancy job...

0:21:520:21:55

-Well...

-..with a title that doesn't actually mean anything,

0:21:550:21:58

when we could be spending it on things that matter?

0:21:580:22:00

-OK.

-That's where they'll go with this.

-Brilliant.

0:22:000:22:02

It's all very predictable, Ian.

0:22:020:22:03

-In a situation like this, Tracey...

-Yes.

0:22:030:22:06

-..who is it that actually drafts this official statement?

-Right, yes.

0:22:060:22:09

It's not really for me to say this,

0:22:090:22:11

-but I'm in a situation here...

-Yes, you are.

-This is potentially...

0:22:110:22:14

I'm going to need the unequivocal and public support of the organisation.

0:22:140:22:17

-Oh, yes, no, very good.

-You certainly are, Ian, yes.

0:22:170:22:19

-No, I think that's very strong.

-Right.

0:22:190:22:22

So, who is it who actually drafts the...?

0:22:220:22:24

-Tracey, you'll know more about this than I do.

-Yes.

0:22:240:22:27

But, for what it's worth, I think the ideal guy for this

0:22:270:22:30

-would be the Head of Values, wouldn't it?

-So, hang on, what?

0:22:300:22:32

I write my own official statement in support of myself.

0:22:320:22:35

Apart from anything else, it saves time

0:22:350:22:37

-and keeps everything nice and neat.

-Right.

0:22:370:22:39

You can CC me along the way, if you can be bothered.

0:22:390:22:42

Yes, me too, Ian, please, obviously.

0:22:420:22:43

-I mean, Tracey, what is the time frame on this?

-Right.

0:22:430:22:46

Presumably we're going to have to move pretty bloody quickly.

0:22:460:22:49

No, I gotta say, I don't want to worry you, Ian,

0:22:490:22:51

but for all I know, we may well be already too late.

0:22:510:22:53

-Well, thanks for that.

-Brilliant.

0:22:530:22:54

-So, that's all good, then.

-Uh-huh.

-Uh-huh.

0:22:540:22:56

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

0:22:560:22:59

Alan, love, we can't apologise any more than we have.

0:22:590:23:01

That's not humanly possible.

0:23:010:23:02

But then we'd be apologising for apologising.

0:23:040:23:06

We're going to go fucking mad.

0:23:060:23:07

'Down on the newsroom floor,

0:23:070:23:09

'Current Head of News and Current Affairs Neil Reid

0:23:090:23:12

-'is still very sorry.'

-OK, so wait,

0:23:120:23:14

we now issue an official apology

0:23:140:23:15

for issuing an official apology to Asma Assad,

0:23:150:23:18

apologising for any offence we may have caused. Right. OK.

0:23:180:23:22

And then we issue another official apology for any...

0:23:220:23:25

Hang on, I'm going to write this down.

0:23:250:23:27

'But despite how sorry he is,

0:23:270:23:28

'a Conservative MP has now criticised the BBC

0:23:280:23:31

'for its craven appeasement of the Syrian regime

0:23:310:23:34

'and Sting has phoned up Alan Yentob personally

0:23:340:23:36

'and called him an actual prick.'

0:23:360:23:38

Yeah, OK. Well, that all sounds pretty, um...

0:23:380:23:41

How about, just to save time,

0:23:410:23:42

how about I just blow my brains out live on the Ten O'Clock?

0:23:420:23:45

That should just about cover it, shouldn't it?

0:23:450:23:47

How you doing, Will?

0:24:280:24:30

Yeah, hey, cool, yeah, no worries. It's pretty good.

0:24:300:24:32

I spoke to Simon and he says these are OK to go out tomorrow morning.

0:24:320:24:35

OK, cool, yeah. Yeah, these are definitely right.

0:24:350:24:37

I feel a bit bad about leaving you here.

0:24:370:24:39

-That's cool. It's my own fault.

-It's just...

0:24:390:24:41

Yeah, sometimes you just need to try harder.

0:24:410:24:43

I've got to go to this screening with Simon.

0:24:430:24:46

Yeah, no, what? Cool, yeah. That's cool, yeah, no worries.

0:24:460:24:48

-OK, well...

-We good?

-Yes, just coming, yep.

0:24:480:24:52

Brilliant. Rotten bad luck in the envelope department, Will.

0:24:520:24:54

Yeah, I know, yeah, crap.

0:24:540:24:56

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess.

0:24:560:24:58

-No, that's cool.

-Good-o.

0:24:580:24:59

-See you in the morning, Will.

-Yeah, that's cool. See you, Izzy.

0:24:590:25:02

-Good night, Will.

-Yeah, see you in the morning. Yeah, cool.

0:25:020:25:05

No, there are some. They're in the freezer.

0:25:200:25:22

No, in the bottom compartment, where they always are.

0:25:220:25:25

Yes, there are. There's a mushroom one...

0:25:250:25:27

'By ten o'clock at night,

0:25:270:25:28

'New Broadcasting House is virtually empty,

0:25:280:25:31

-'except for those people who are still there.'

-Bye.

0:25:310:25:33

'If it hasn't exactly been a good day for producer Lucy Freeman,

0:25:380:25:42

'for Ian it's been worse than good,

0:25:420:25:44

'and it's about to get worse than bad.'

0:25:440:25:46

-Night.

-Yes, thanks.

0:25:460:25:48

-Oh, hi.

-Yes, hi.

0:26:200:26:22

-Think I might be here for a bit.

-Yes, I was going to give you this.

0:26:220:26:26

-Oh, right, is that it?

-You said you'd never read a script.

0:26:260:26:29

No, I will. I could do with something funny.

0:26:290:26:31

-Yes. Also...

-Yes?

-Um...

0:26:310:26:33

PHONE RINGS

0:26:390:26:41

I'm proud to work for the BBC.

0:26:440:26:47

I'm especially proud to be its Head of Values.

0:26:470:26:49

I haven't done anything wrong here.

0:26:490:26:50

-BBC.

-BBC.

-Rick Stein's wrong for this.

-Lovely Rick.

0:26:500:26:54

We're not doing "old and bald".

0:26:540:26:55

Leave aside the rights and wrongs from all the personal stuff.

0:26:550:26:58

-Wait a minute...

-Yes, cos I'm not being funny or anything,

0:26:580:27:00

but who knows what they're going to turn up next.

0:27:000:27:03

-Cool flowers.

-Yes, do you want them?

-Say again?

0:27:030:27:05

-It's like it's coming out of the...

-Sure, it's comin' atcha.

0:27:050:27:07

OK, it was a mistake. OK? I think I probably knew it at the time.

0:27:070:27:11

-Do you want these?

-What?

-We don't know what to do with them.

0:27:110:27:14

-Who are they from?

-No, Will.

0:27:140:27:15

If ever there was an opportunity for the BBC to stand tall

0:27:150:27:18

and make a big, bold statement

0:27:180:27:19

about how much it values the idea of valuing values

0:27:190:27:23

-then surely this is it.

-No, brilliant, brilliant.

0:27:230:27:25

"Sally, I'm so sorry.

0:27:250:27:26

"If there's anybody that doesn't deserve it, it's you.

0:27:260:27:29

-"I hope you're OK."

-Sally?

0:27:290:27:30

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