Episode 3 W1A

This programme contains some strong language

Stand by, two. Mix through. Cue on two.

The BBC has announced the appointment

of ex-Head of Olympic Deliverance Ian Fletcher

as its new Head of Values.

Time now for the shipping forecast.

Superimpose.

I'm a bit busy this morning, so I'll have to get back to you,

but, no, from the hip, I mean, surely,

unless I've misunderstood this,

Songs Of Praise isn't actually about ratings, is it?

I mean, that's not its...

'8.30 on another morning at New Broadcasting House

'in central London.

'Ian Fletcher has now been in his job

'as the BBC's Head of Values for nearly a month.'

If you take that out, what have we actually got left?

In the end... Thanks, Will.

In the end, if we're not careful, it'll be Top Gear,

Strictly Come Dancing and, you know, Bake Offs of various kinds,

and, frankly, I'm not sure that's quite what Lord Reith had in mind.

Reith. Lord Reith.

As opposed to people watching each other

stuffing their faces with caramelised whatever

or crying because they haven't got the right kind of self-raising flour

in their apple turnovers or whatever.

OK, I don't care whether you do or not, that's just an example, OK?

Right.

Perhaps I should say what's driving this, I think,

-apart from that it's crucial in its own right...

-Brilliant.

The real urgency behind it is this Reith thing next month.

'By 9am, Ian is already chairing

'the fortnightly Way Ahead Task Force Group.

'BBC Director-General Tony Hall is due to deliver the keynote speech

'at a major BBC thing next month to celebrate the death 43 years ago

'of the first ever Director-General, Lord Reith.'

Cameron's been invited, Miliband, I think,

Maria Miller, Culture Secretary, obviously, so basically it's...

-Lis Murdoch from Shine.

-Right, yes, so...

Peter Fincham from ITV.

Yes, thank you. So, basically anyone who's anyone.

-Not to mention the Prince of Wales.

-Yes. Thank you, Simon.

-Yay.

-Not sure who he's from.

-He's from Wales.

-What?

-Duh.

'With the anniversary in mind

'and the campaign for Charter Renewal in 2016

'coming closer by the fortnight,

'Ian is joined by Director of Strategic Governance Simon Harwood,

'Head of Output Anna Rampton,

'Senior BBC Communications Officer Tracey Pritchard,

'Brand BBC Consultant Siobhan Sharpe from PR Company Perfect Curve,

'and two other people,

'to think some Big Thoughts about the BBC's purpose.'

This will be the opening shot in the campaign

to secure the future and the values

of the institution we're all sitting in now.

-Cool.

-Yes, very good, very strong.

With that in mind, I thought it might be interesting -

maybe illuminating, who knows -

-just to start by asking everyone in this room to write down...

-Yes.

-..to write down one word...

-Brilliant.

-This is so cool, we love this.

-OK, no.

-One word?

-I'm sorry.

-Yes, one word.

-Turquoise.

-No, I haven't started yet.

-OK.

-Write down one word that...

-Yep.

-The first thing that...

-No, sure.

The first thing that comes into your mind when you hear the word "BBC".

-OK, so it's not a word.

-Got it.

Just write that word down, then fold it up so no-one can see it, and...

-OK Go.

-Right. OK. You've got 30 seconds.

OK, OK, OK.

Can I just say, I'm not being funny or anything,

-but I'm really not good at this.

-It's not a test.

-I'm OK at most things.

-Just whatever comes into your head.

-Er, no, that's way better. This is so cool.

-Finished, sir.

-Can you have smells?

-Smells?

-No, sure.

Like the smell of the building when you come in in the morning.

-Is it the smell of success, Tracey?

-No, it's not that, Simon.

It's more like some sort of detergent or something.

You can have whatever you want.

You can have whatever you want. It's cool.

Right. OK. Don't say I didn't warn you.

-OK, so if you just want to pass them along.

-No peeking.

-Anna, you haven't... You really don't...

-No.

-No, OK.

-The fact is, I really don't do this.

-Right, OK. OK, good. So...

Right, OK, good. So, that's all good.

OK. OK, sure, but the screening itself starts at seven.

OK, great. Thanks, Margo. I'll...

No, yeah, I'll tell him, but I'm sure that'll be fine.

OK, see you later.

OK, thanks, great. Bye.

-Hi, Will.

-Oh, yeah. Hey, yeah, hi.

-You OK?

-Yeah, no, that's cool, I don't mind.

'Meanwhile, intern Will Humphries

'is busy with an important mission of his own.'

-This is, like, Ian Fletcher's bike.

-OK, yes.

I have to find somewhere to put it, cos he's like a nomad.

-A what?

-Nomad.

-Right.

-Yeah, I know, mental, but it's, like, a challenge.

-Right.

-I was thinking, maybe it could be here, near your desk.

-OK.

-Then I would know where it was.

-You can leave it here, if you like.

-OK, wow, cool.

-I can keep an eye on it for him.

I've got to keep an eye on it for him. That's the challenge.

-Well, whatever.

-Yeah.

-Put it next to Simon's. We can both keep an eye on it.

-OK, cool.

-Actually, Will, are you busy this morning?

-What, now?

-Well, this morning, yes.

-No.

I'm a bit busy today. Would you be able to...?

OK, cool, yeah, no worries.

We're sending out the invitations to the Reith thing today.

Yeah. The what?

Tony Hall's going to be giving this... Actually, it's a bit...

-OK.

-It doesn't...

-That's cool.

Would you be able to fold the letters

-and put them in the envelopes?

-Cool.

-Do you want to sit down here?

-OK, cool, yeah, no worries.

So, they're all printed out and signed by Tony Hall,

and all of the envelopes have got the addresses on.

-Wow! How many of them are there?

-400.

-Whoa! Cool.

-They're all in the right order in the piles,

-so it should be really straightforward.

-Yeah.

-But it is quite important...

-That's OK.

..to make sure that the right letter goes in the right envelope.

-Yeah, no, obviously. Cool.

-Are you going to be OK with that?

Yeah, cool. Yeah, no worries. With what?

With everything that I just explained to you.

-Yeah, no worries. Yeah, cool.

-Right.

-Yeah, so where are you going to sit?

-No...

-I could sit on the bike.

-I've got this Syncopatico Update course this morning.

-Oh. OK.

-But I'll be back at lunchtime.

-OK, cool.

-Hey. Ready?

-Yes, just coming.

-Really, Will, that'll so brilliant. You're a star.

-Yeah, OK, cool.

I suppose what I'm not clear about

is how moving it to radio would refresh it

or what sort of signals that'd send out.

'Back in Frankie Howerd, Ian has moved the Way Ahead meeting

'away from Big Thoughts and onto Detail.'

-It's people singing in churches.

-Well, yes.

-Cool idea.

There's no jeopardy. There's no appointment to view.

-It's not even a competition.

-Oh, bummer.

'There's been a proposal

'to move the BBC's much-loved religious big-hitter Songs Of Praise

'from its current slot on Sunday evening.'

Am I right in thinking that what's in your mind, Anna, here instead,

is Britain's Tastiest Village?

-Village is still floating at the moment.

-Right. Is it?

But we have a duty to give people what they want.

Might it be our duty sometimes to lead people towards things

-they didn't realise they wanted?

-Yes, very good.

-Well, no.

-Duh!

-Right.

-Frankly, that's ludicrous.

-Guys, you don't sell crab cakes in a sausage factory.

-Brilliant.

-Exactly.

-Have we got that?

-Uh-huh.

Tony'll be practically beside himself.

The big positive to take out of this

is that this is exactly the sort of debate we should be having at this stage.

-Brilliant.

-So, that's all good.

-Cool.

-I guess the other thing

to think about at some point will be the logo issue.

-Sure, yeah.

-The logo issue?

-Yeah.

-Cool.

Ah, OK. You guys haven't spoken yet.

No, no, but that's cool. That's so going to happen.

Well, what about it happening now?

Well, this is just something that Siobhan mentioned in passing,

and I happened to mention it to Tony, that's all.

-Right, I see. So...

-OK, so here's the thing with this, guys.

You want to up-size your footprint, you gotta get different shoes.

-What?

-'As part of the debate about what the BBC is for,

'Siobhan has come up with the idea of refreshing the BBC's logo

'as a way of achieving various different things.'

You home screen, your brand takeaway, right there in the logo,

you're drinking from the fire hose from the get-go.

-It's a no brainer.

-Right.

I'm sorry, I'm not being funny or anything,

but so far, I don't think I've understood a single thing

-you've actually said this morning.

-Cool.

If it helps, what Siobhan said to me,

and what caught Tony's attention, was that the BBC

should maybe look and feel more like an app going forward.

-Sure, totally.

-Right.

-An app.

-OK, that works.

But are we in danger of putting the cart before the horse here?

-Ah, yes, very good.

-OK, we SO don't need horses here.

I don't think you've quite...

-OK, that's so wrong, I don't even know where to start.

-Brilliant.

-Dan, hi.

-Oh, hi, yeah.

-What are you doing out here?

-Um, yeah...

-Why weren't you waiting inside?

-Yeah, no, I went in.

-I prefer it out here, really.

-Right.

'Meanwhile, down at reception,

'producer Lucy Freeman has gone down to meet new writer Dan Shepherd.'

-When did you come down?

-I came down last night.

-You've got friends you stay with.

-I stay with my ex-girlfriend.

-Sounds like a very level-headed arrangement.

-It was all right.

I didn't know she was my ex-girlfriend when I set off.

-Oh. Right.

-But no, still, yeah, it was OK.

-I read it again this morning.

-Oh, right.

It's really good. It's really good.

We should be going in there with real confidence.

-If you want to do that.

-Well, no.

-I think I'll just go in as me.

'Now 36, Dan has come in for a potentially important meeting

'about a potential project that Lucy's been helping him develop

'for the last few years of his potential life.'

-It's easy for me to say this. You've got to believe in yourself.

-Yeah.

-I'm not doing this as a favour, OK? You know, life's too short.

-Yeah.

I probably shouldn't say this,

but I end up working on so many shows I don't really care about.

Bloody hell, these chairs are a height.

-Shall we just stand up?

-I think I'd feel safer, yeah.

Yes, of course, yes, good idea.

-You OK?

-Yeah.

Eventually, a continuity announcer is going to end up saying,

-"And now on BBC Two, it's time for Home Truth..."

-Yeah.

"..a brand-new comedy drama starring whoever and whoever."

-Yeah, them.

-I genuinely believe that. So must you.

Yeah. Do they have loos in here?

Of course. Through the doors at the end and on the left.

-Right. Great. Thanks.

-Yes.

No, we have bloody apologised. No, I have.

No, we did. Yes, it is.

'Meanwhile, Current Controller of News and Current Affairs Neil Reid

'is busy being a man under pressure.'

We've got an apology on the website,

we did an apology on the Today programme,

I've apologised to Tony personally. He's... No, I haven't finished yet.

He's apologised to Patten,

I think he's looking for someone to apologise to as we speak.

So, you know, we really are bloody sorry.

I don't know what else we can do.

Please do. And while you're at it, give her one from me.

Thanks. Bye, bye.

Right.

-Ah. The Joy of News.

-Fuck, that's hot. What do you want, Simon?

-Have you got a minute?

-No, I haven't. No, not really.

I mean, for what it's worth,

-I know that Tony's absolutely behind you on this.

-Yeah, bollocks.

'Following an item broadcast on the BBC News Channel

'there's been a serious complaint about the quality of journalism

'in the Corporation's coverage of the ongoing crisis in Syria.'

This is what? A junior picture researcher, was it?

It was 4am. It's not his fault.

-PHONE BUZZES

-He's a good kid.

-No, of course.

He's been working all night. But the fact is...

Nick, I'll phone you back. Yep.

The fact is that for about half an hour this morning,

just till we start getting the calls,

we were running the story with a picture of Trudie Styler

-instead of President Assad's wife Asma.

-Yep.

-You know, that's not good.

-No. And what was the story?

-She's been shopping for something somewhere.

-Right.

We fixed it as soon as we could, but by then it's too late,

and then we get "The Call" and all bloody hell breaks loose.

-No, I mean, that is bad luck.

-Yeah.

And if there's anyone you don't want to cross, it's Trudie Styler.

No, it's Asma bloody Assad who's complained.

Oh, I see, of course, yes.

-That's why it's such a giant fuck up.

-No, brilliant, Neil, brilliant.

Tracey, hi.

Hang on, when you say I might like to know about it,

so this is a bad thing...

'Meanwhile, elsewhere in the building, it's becoming clear to Ian

'that as Head of Values, you can never be sure what's coming next

'or exactly where it's coming from.'

Well, I mean, where are you?

Right, OK, yes, I know. You mean the...

Is it Beirut? I thought it was Cairo.

-They're saying they might run it tomorrow.

-Right.

-I know.

I don't want to be negative or anything,

but I've got a very bad feeling about this.

Senior BBC Communications Officer Tracey Pritchard

has had advance warning from the media editor of The Daily Telegraph

of a feature they're about to run

on the issue of BBC executive salaries,

as part of which they're intending to use Ian's salary

as its so-called so-called Head of Values as an example.

The first thing to say, Ian, I've no idea personally

-whether that figure is actually accurate or not.

-Right.

Presumably that's something you'll be able to confirm or otherwise for yourself now.

-Yes. I mean, yes.

-Because they're bandying this figure about,

but that's obviously at the heart of the whole story.

Well, yes, absolutely, yes.

I don't want to pry into your personal affairs, Ian,

-because I don't do that, that's not the sort of person I am.

-No.

-But is that what you earn?

-Broadly speaking... It's certainly...

-They've obviously...

-That IS what you earn.

-I'd need, obviously, to...

-Right. OK.

-I'd need to go back and check the...just look at the...

I'm not being funny or anything,

but when I saw it, I was assuming it was wildly inaccurate.

-Right. Well...

-As it is, I've gotta say we are not in a good place here.

Well, obviously we need to start thinking about a strategy now.

I don't want to be dramatic or anything,

but I think what we could be looking at is a miracle.

-Dan, hi.

-Yeah, hi, yeah.

-Really good to meet you.

-Yes, you too. Yeah.

-And Matt.

-Dan.

-Yeah, hi.

-Thanks for this. We know how busy you guys are.

-Yes.

-No sure. You came down from Leeds?

-Yeah.

-Great.

-Well, from Wetherby.

-Right.

-I got a bus to Leeds.

-Great. Have a seat.

-Yeah.

'Meanwhile, Lucy and writer Dan Shepherd

'have got their potentially vital meeting

'with Head of Output Anna Rampton

'and BBC Head of Generic Comedy Drama Matt Taverner.'

-You want to tell us a bit about Home Truth?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

'They know that if they're ever going to have a chance

'to get Dan's idea finally off the ground, this is either it or not.'

Cos I've seen it develop to this point,

which has been a terrific process,

but, Dan, maybe you can just say a bit about the basic premise.

-Yeah, OK.

-OK, good.

So, basically, it's set in Scarborough, believe it or not.

-Great.

-I mean, that's not very...

It's basically just about ordinary people

trying to live their lives as well as they can.

-Right.

-Great.

-Yeah.

Obviously it's a relationship story at the centre of it.

-Yeah, kind of, yeah.

-So, this script is what? It's...

Yes, so when Dan first came to me with the idea originally,

I suggested he do a synopsis, maybe a couple of sample scenes.

But what Dan came back with eventually was,

he came back with the whole thing, all the characters,

their whole world, you know, just there.

-Great.

-And by there, you mean Scarborough.

-Yeah.

I suppose... Well, Dan, we haven't talked about this,

-but I suppose it doesn't actually have to be Scarborough.

-Yeah, no.

Could just as well be Bridlington, or Whitby if you want to go north.

-It's a character-led piece.

-Great.

-The location's actually secondary.

-It's called Home Truth.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-Why is it called that?

I guess it's called that because she's a small-town solicitor.

-A solicitor?

-Yeah, but not like a hotshot or anything.

She's dealing with ordinary people's stuff.

-But in the end, what she's dealing with is truth.

-Right.

I have to say, I think it's a brilliant title.

-But, like, in her life, in her relationship...

-Yes.

..I guess what she starts to realise...

-Yeah, no, sure. I mean, Matt...

-Yep.

-What's your...? What do you think?

-Yeah, no, I mean, great, Dan. I mean, really interesting.

-Yeah.

I mean, I have to say, for me, it does feel a bit long.

-Long?

-For me, a bit, yeah.

-Right. OK.

-I mean, do you want to put a bit of detail on that, Matt?

-No, sure.

-Just to help Dan get a sense of what you mean.

Yeah, no, sure.

-Hi, Will.

-Oh, cool, yeah, hi.

-Wow, amazing.

-Yeah, no worries.

I was pretty slow to begin with, but then you get a rhythm.

That's really...

-No, but hang on. No, the envelopes...

-Yeah.

You've got them... They're upside down.

Yeah, no, cool, cos it's quicker like that.

-Right.

-Yeah, it's, like, flap up, in, seal, done. It's a system.

Yeah. No, but they were in the right order, the addresses.

Yeah, no, they're in the same order. It's just they're the other way up.

Right, so that's the wrong order.

-Yeah.

-Completely. With the bottom one on the top.

-Yeah, OK, no.

-I mean, Jesus Christ. Will...

-Yeah.

I've got the second half of that course this afternoon.

It's like sometimes I just don't think.

I'm just thinking in terms of hinterland, really.

-Maybe show, don't tell.

-Yeah.

-I may be wrong.

-Yeah.

'Back in the script meeting, Head of Generic Comedy Drama Matt Taverner

'is still explaining what he means to Lucy and Dan.'

-I think is it worth maybe thinking about consequences.

-Consequences.

It might just be this particular iteration of the idea.

Yes, you do realise you've got two episodes there, Matt?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, no, sure.

So, one of the great things about working with Dan is,

he goes away and comes back with two scripts off his own bat.

I wanted to know what happened next.

Yes, no, of course, don't get me wrong, that's great.

No, I mean, I don't know. Just in terms of story, I suppose...

-Yeah.

-Is there a way of maybe starting in the middle here

-instead of at the beginning?

-Oh, OK.

-Or is it maybe a question of re-imagining the precinct?

-Yeah.

Just to give it, if you like, maybe a bit more narrative heft.

-Yeah, maybe, yeah.

-Good, OK.

-Well, no, hang on...

-Really good to meet you.

-Yeah.

-Yes.

-So, what would be really great, Matt and Anna...

-Sure.

..good for Dan and...well, no, good for both of us, actually,

good for me too, is to come away from this meeting

with a clear sense of where we are with this.

-I think I've got that.

-I'm with you, Lucy.

-It'd be great if we could get this thing across the line.

-Yes.

Across... Well, that's... Let's... It is across... What line?

I'd say this really does feel like a very strong first draft.

-Yeah.

-I mean, really strong.

I mean, what I'd say is it's absolutely worth you

keeping us in the loop about where you go with it creatively.

-Right.

-Anna?

-Yeah, absolutely. Good. Yeah.

OK. OK.

Well, that's... I mean, thank you very...

-Thank you very... Thank you.

-Yeah, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so I had this thing

where if you take the first B and flip it the other way, OK?

-OK, I don't get that.

-Then it's more...

-I don't get it.

Straightaway it's just... I mean...

-Do another one.

-Yeah.

-Flippety-flip-flip.

'Meanwhile, across town at PR company Perfect Curve,

'Siobhan Sharpe's creative team

'are already feeding back to her creatively

'on the issue of the BBC logo.'

We're like, what if the BBC was a fruit?

-OK.

-What sort of fruit would it be?

-Yeah, fruit, yeah.

-Cool.

-So, what we came up...

-Mango.

-Yeah, so first...

-Kiwi fruit. Guava. I love this.

Yeah. So, first we were like, an apple?

-Yeah, yeah, an apple, yeah.

-Yeah, or maybe like a pear?

-Or an apple.

-Yeah, an apple.

-No, we love apples. Say some more.

-Yeah, maybe a kind of cheese.

-Yeah, that's not a fruit.

But a hard cheese, not a smelly one.

OK, I don't know how to say this,

but this is not just another brand refresh, OK?

This is the British Broadcasting, like, Company. This is major shit.

-Yeah.

-For sure.

-Yeah.

-We screw the pooch on this one,

we're sucking nothing but sauerkraut here.

'Tasked with the task

'of re-conceptualising the world-famous BBC brand

'to make it feel more like an app,

'Ideation Architect Barney Lumsden, Trending Analyst Coco Lomax

'and Viral Concept Designer Karl Marx

'have put their individual heads together

'to see if anything happens.'

-So, we've had this really big idea.

-OK. This is good, guys.

So, we're like, you know when you look at your iPad or your phone,

whatever, yeah, and you, like, look at the apps,

and it's, like, none of them have got, like, any letters or anything.

Yeah, like, or they've got one letter.

-Yeah, one letter.

-Like F for like Facebook.

-Yeah.

Yeah, or, like, a phone for, like, a phone.

Yeah, but what they don't have is any, like, writing.

-No.

-No.

-OK.

And then you look at the BBC app and it's got...

-it's like it's got writing, like, all over it.

-Yeah.

-Cos they've got, like, B, B and C.

-Yeah, it's letters city here, guys.

And then it's got BBC Weather, BBC News, BBC Sport, BBC iPlayer...

Sure. OK, I get this.

Yeah, it's like they don't know what to do with all the letters,

they just stuck them on the app.

Help me, I can't see for writing.

Yeah, it's like... It's not Jane Austen here, guys.

Get real. It's an iPad - get an iCon.

-That's why we had an iDea.

-Yeah, and that's when...

-An iDea.

And that's when we realised what the thing about the BBC logo was.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

OK, what? Don't do this, say stuff.

-Lose the letters.

-Yep.

-Shit.

-Yeah, cos they're just not a very appy thing to have.

-Shut up!

-It's un-appy.

-Shut up!

-Yeah, that's why...

Yeah, we're not doing cheese, OK?

-OK.

-It doesn't work.

-Yeah.

I mean, presumably, Tracey,

the reason they've given us a head start on this

is so we can give them some kind of official statement.

Exactly, Simon, yes. "In response, the BBC issued a statement

"in which it described the role of Head of Values as..."

-you know, duh-duh-duh-duh, something or other.

-Brilliant.

Yes, although is it just me, or is "duh-duh-duh-duh, something or other"

-not quite going to do it somehow?

-Yes, no, very good.

-Yes.

'Meanwhile, Director of Strategic Governance Simon Harwood

'has convened a down and dirty Damage Limitation Session

'in order to have a chat about the impending Daily Telegraph feature

-'on the size of Ian's salary.'

-Beyond the e-mail exchange I've read,

how much more detail have they given you

-about the piece they're going to run?

-Nothing.

-Right. OK.

No, this guy Andrew, he's features editor, he's Scottish,

-and not in a good way, if you know what I mean.

-Right.

But you'll know how you want to handle this, Ian,

but it's not difficult to predict where they're going to go with it.

-Well...

-That's easy.

-Yes.

What are we doing spending hard-earned licence payer's money...

-Very good.

-..and a sizeable chunk of it, on some big, fancy job...

-Well...

-..with a title that doesn't actually mean anything,

when we could be spending it on things that matter?

-OK.

-That's where they'll go with this.

-Brilliant.

It's all very predictable, Ian.

-In a situation like this, Tracey...

-Yes.

-..who is it that actually drafts this official statement?

-Right, yes.

It's not really for me to say this,

-but I'm in a situation here...

-Yes, you are.

-This is potentially...

I'm going to need the unequivocal and public support of the organisation.

-Oh, yes, no, very good.

-You certainly are, Ian, yes.

-No, I think that's very strong.

-Right.

So, who is it who actually drafts the...?

-Tracey, you'll know more about this than I do.

-Yes.

But, for what it's worth, I think the ideal guy for this

-would be the Head of Values, wouldn't it?

-So, hang on, what?

I write my own official statement in support of myself.

Apart from anything else, it saves time

-and keeps everything nice and neat.

-Right.

You can CC me along the way, if you can be bothered.

Yes, me too, Ian, please, obviously.

-I mean, Tracey, what is the time frame on this?

-Right.

Presumably we're going to have to move pretty bloody quickly.

No, I gotta say, I don't want to worry you, Ian,

but for all I know, we may well be already too late.

-Well, thanks for that.

-Brilliant.

-So, that's all good, then.

-Uh-huh.

-Uh-huh.

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Alan, love, we can't apologise any more than we have.

That's not humanly possible.

But then we'd be apologising for apologising.

We're going to go fucking mad.

'Down on the newsroom floor,

'Current Head of News and Current Affairs Neil Reid

-'is still very sorry.'

-OK, so wait,

we now issue an official apology

for issuing an official apology to Asma Assad,

apologising for any offence we may have caused. Right. OK.

And then we issue another official apology for any...

Hang on, I'm going to write this down.

'But despite how sorry he is,

'a Conservative MP has now criticised the BBC

'for its craven appeasement of the Syrian regime

'and Sting has phoned up Alan Yentob personally

'and called him an actual prick.'

Yeah, OK. Well, that all sounds pretty, um...

How about, just to save time,

how about I just blow my brains out live on the Ten O'Clock?

That should just about cover it, shouldn't it?

How you doing, Will?

Yeah, hey, cool, yeah, no worries. It's pretty good.

I spoke to Simon and he says these are OK to go out tomorrow morning.

OK, cool, yeah. Yeah, these are definitely right.

I feel a bit bad about leaving you here.

-That's cool. It's my own fault.

-It's just...

Yeah, sometimes you just need to try harder.

I've got to go to this screening with Simon.

Yeah, no, what? Cool, yeah. That's cool, yeah, no worries.

-OK, well...

-We good?

-Yes, just coming, yep.

Brilliant. Rotten bad luck in the envelope department, Will.

Yeah, I know, yeah, crap.

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, I guess.

-No, that's cool.

-Good-o.

-See you in the morning, Will.

-Yeah, that's cool. See you, Izzy.

-Good night, Will.

-Yeah, see you in the morning. Yeah, cool.

No, there are some. They're in the freezer.

No, in the bottom compartment, where they always are.

Yes, there are. There's a mushroom one...

'By ten o'clock at night,

'New Broadcasting House is virtually empty,

-'except for those people who are still there.'

-Bye.

'If it hasn't exactly been a good day for producer Lucy Freeman,

'for Ian it's been worse than good,

'and it's about to get worse than bad.'

-Night.

-Yes, thanks.

-Oh, hi.

-Yes, hi.

-Think I might be here for a bit.

-Yes, I was going to give you this.

-Oh, right, is that it?

-You said you'd never read a script.

No, I will. I could do with something funny.

-Yes. Also...

-Yes?

-Um...

PHONE RINGS

I'm proud to work for the BBC.

I'm especially proud to be its Head of Values.

I haven't done anything wrong here.

-BBC.

-BBC.

-Rick Stein's wrong for this.

-Lovely Rick.

We're not doing "old and bald".

Leave aside the rights and wrongs from all the personal stuff.

-Wait a minute...

-Yes, cos I'm not being funny or anything,

but who knows what they're going to turn up next.

-Cool flowers.

-Yes, do you want them?

-Say again?

-It's like it's coming out of the...

-Sure, it's comin' atcha.

OK, it was a mistake. OK? I think I probably knew it at the time.

-Do you want these?

-What?

-We don't know what to do with them.

-Who are they from?

-No, Will.

If ever there was an opportunity for the BBC to stand tall

and make a big, bold statement

about how much it values the idea of valuing values

-then surely this is it.

-No, brilliant, brilliant.

"Sally, I'm so sorry.

"If there's anybody that doesn't deserve it, it's you.

-"I hope you're OK."

-Sally?