The Be-all and End-All Way to Go

THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE AND ADULT HUMOUR

You want me to build you a suicide machine?

Du-dah!

Make it look more professional, you know.

Streamline it. We've got to start thinking of this

as a legitimate business.

-Go get him, killer.

-Knock 'em dead.

In just a few minutes, I'll be gone forever.

That must make you feel good.

Every time you put one of these animals to sleep,

how do you do it without getting all emotional?

As far as I'm concerned, every single one of these cats and dogs I put down

is just a furry little ball of cash in my pocket.

By the way, you still owe us £4,000.

Is that a fold in the front of this guy's trousers,

or am I looking at the outline of his cock?

You're going to break somebody else's finger.

But that's a woman. CLICK

Oh! Jesus! You just broke my finger!

I said I was going to. That's why I came here.

I promise you, what we have to offer will change your life.

Into, you know, death.

We didn't kill him. But our pitch killed him. And then he killed himself.

When word of mouth gets out about this, our business is gonna explode.

If we do a good job, our clients are dead.

So where are we gonna find people who want to die?

COUGHING

# Baby, we're the chosen ones and living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

# Yeah, I'm a better man This is the superstar luck machine. #

Are you gonna finish that?

-What?

-The sandwich.

Are you going to finish that?

It would make me very happy for you to enjoy the rest of my sandwich.

You know, everyone's always saying that they wish there were real-life superheroes.

Well, there are, and you happen to be sitting right next to one.

I'm a life-saver.

CHOKING

SCREAMS

Check out her nips.

Hey, hey, hey! Great news.

-If this involves a woman letting you put your knob in her bum, I don't want to hear it.

-I do.

So, I was on the bus today, just minding my own business,

when I saw this homeless guy who looked really hungry.

So, me being a nice fellow and all, gave him over my ham sandwich.

Ah, so for the first time in your life, you weren't a selfish prick? That is great news.

No, no, the great news is, he choked on the sandwich and dropped dead.

Right in front of me. Bang! Just like that.

That's not great. That's horrible.

-No. Don't you get it?

-Yeah, I get it.

What Hitler was to the Jews, you are to the homeless?

-No, don't you see? We've got an out. Do you mind?

-Yes, I do.

We're always worried about getting caught doing this euthanasia thing.

Well, we won't if we subvert suspicion.

How do we do that? By making people look like they choked to death.

I call the technique ham-sandwiching. What do you think?

What do you think we think, you stupid tit?

Can you believe I'm half-related to this nutter?

I think it's brilliant, Joey.

-Oh, come on! You do not!

-Think about it.

You help the guy off himself at the kitchen table,

shove a ham sandwich in his mouth and then leave.

Nobody'll think twice. But it's gotta be with cheese.

-Cheddar?

-Hmm...I'd say Brie.

You've got a little more viscosity with Brie. Or feta?

Feta's too crumbly.

Do you ever the fuck listen to yourselves? I mean, seriously.

Sit the fuck still and fucking listen to what the fuck you are saying.

He's right. Feta is a bit crumbly.

We're helping people die with dignity. Not with their lunch sticking out of their face.

I gotta get to work. Joey, stop coming up with stupid ideas

and start finding people at the old age home that want us to help them finish themselves off, would you?

I didn't say they shouldn't die with dignity. Just that we should shove a sandwich in their mouth after.

-They wouldn't even know.

-Exactly.

-Mozzarella!

-Mozzarella!

Mm-hm.

How much longer am I gonna have to wait to see the vet?

Sorry. She should be with you any minute.

This thing won't go near my wife or my daughter. And I just need to know if the parrot's a poofter.

Cos if it is, I don't want it.

Well, sure. You can't have a poofy parrot flying around your flat now, can you?

PARROT SQUAWKS

What am I supposed to tell my kids? They're going to be devastated!

Oh, sweetie, just buy them another cat.

That way, they'll be focused on something else and they won't even be thinking about how bad they feel.

OK? Great. Have a good night.

You still going out with that girl? What's her name? Lacey?

Lucie? Er...no, no. We...we broke up.

But there's a man here who wants to know if he's got a homosexual parrot.

I only met her once. Tracey.

But she didn't seem like she'd be any good in the sack.

Next, please! Er...the gay bird.

Sorry, no, not...

not you, miss, the...the parrot.

I would never... Sorry.

PARROT SQUAWKS

I can't believe there isn't a cot

anywhere in the country for less than £200.

You still on about that?

I don't think you grasp how much this baby's going to cost us, Cozzo.

There's clothes, shoes.

Nappies. God knows, the expense of baby food alone is a nightmare.

So we'll switch. He can eat my steak, and I'll suck on your tits.

I'm serious.

I don't want to hear nothing more about money, Debs. We're fine.

As a matter of fact, I got a job, first thing in the morning,

tuning up the machines at Chicken Bun.

-Really? You do?

-Yeah.

So, er...how about...

we become the first couple in history to have two babies six months apart?

Mm-hm. Mm.

LIFT DINGS

Hold the lift!

-Hold the lift! Hold the lift!

-Oh!

-Ah!

-Oh, shit!

Mm.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

And I thought chivalry was dead.

No, just the nerves in my hand.

I'm Claudia, moved in last week.

Scott.

How ironic. That's my father's name.

That's not ironic. It's more of a coincidence and it's barely that.

I haven't spoken to my father in ten years. Can you believe that?

Not since he went to jail for molestering me.

Wow. Well, that's quite a bit of unnecessary information.

Everyone thinks that's why I do porno, cos he effed me up sexually.

But it's really not. I just enjoy getting shafted on camera.

You do realise we just met?

You're a sweetheart. LIFT DINGS

Right, well...well, this is me.

You should come up to my place and let me take care of that.

Oh, my hand's OK, really. But thanks.

I wasn't talking about your hand.

-Oh. Well, I'm quite...

-HE YAWNS

..tired, so, you know, I'm just gonna go to bed.

Well, I owe you one. So, if you ever need anything at all, I'm number 33.

33.

TOILET FLUSHES

I'd give it five minutes if I was you. I gotta go.

You look smoking hot.

It's picture day at the office.

I bet you're the best-looking copper in the whole department.

I'm fat.

-Yeah, but you're pregnant.

-Wrong answer.

I can say that. I'm fat too.

Yeah, wrong again. Um...you haven't seen my gold earrings, have you?

You know the ones that my gran gave me, with the rubies in?

-I can't find them anywhere.

-When I took 'em off last night,

I swear to God, I put 'em right back where I found 'em.

Same with your bra and French knickers.

The only thing I've got that are worth anything, and I've lost them.

I'm worth something, and you'll never lose me.

Oh, God, I hope I find those earrings.

-Wrong answer. See you tonight.

-Yep.

Hm.

Holy shite.

Looking a bit pale today, Gladys.

Do you think the diabetes has reached stage five yet?

Mr Patel.

How are the knees holding up? Pain too much for you?

Mrs Martin?

Mrs Martin!

The anniversary of your husband's death today, isn't it?

Wouldn't you just love to be back with him?

HE SHOUTS Wouldn't you just love to be... Oh.

-How are you doing, Arthur?

-Can't feel the legs any more.

My back's shot. All I can eat is slops.

I wish I was a horse. They would have put a bullet in my head years ago.

Have you got a minute?

# One plus zero... # THUDDING

# ..Ain't enough to make two and I hope you know

# One plus zero

# Ain't enough to make two and I hope you know... #

-Need help with anything?

-Oh!

-Oh, sorry!

Jesus! You scared me half to death.

Sorry. I'm...I'm Scott, Scott from next door.

I-I-I saw the door open. I was worried there might be a burglar.

And...and if you are, then that's fine.

I'll just get out of your way and let you burgle it up.

-BOTH CHUCKLE

-I'm Julia, Paddy's daughter.

-Um...he used to live here.

-I know.

-Um...I'm sorry. I'm Scott.

-I know.

-You do? How?

-You told me.

I did? Oh. Well, I got it right, then.

-Um...oh, do you want a hand or anything?

-Thank you.

I'm lucky my dad lived as long as he did.

He could have died from an overdose of tackiness.

Yeah, I think there comes a time in your 60s

when you believe buying porcelain animals made in China will increase your lifespan.

-SHE CHUCKLES

-That's funny.

Um...Dad was gonna take me to China, just the two of us.

It was going to be his last hurrah before...

I was really looking forward to spending that time with him.

It was gonna be lavish, first class all the way.

Obviously he didn't have a lot of money, but he was gonna pay for it by selling his prize possession.

-Oh, what was that?

-A pair of old football boots.

-SMASH

-Oh!

-I'm...I'm so sorry.

Honestly, it's fine. They're meaningless.

The only thing of any value around here were those boots.

Apparently, they were some kind of collector's item, worth thousands.

-You haven't seen them, have you?

-His football boots? No. Never.

I mean, I don't even watch football, let alone look at the boots.

I can't find them anywhere and I've scoured the place.

I'm starting to think maybe they were stolen.

Yes! Yes! Deffo.

I mean, things are always getting pinched around here. It...it's an epidemic.

-Ah, so maybe I should call the police?

-No! No! Bad idea.

-Why?

-Well, you never want to get the police involved.

I mean, that is just a recipe for disaster.

Cos before you know it, they... they start pointing the finger at you.

-SHE LAUGHS

-But I didn't steal them.

Well, yeah. Yeah, you and I know that, of...of course.

But...but can you prove it?

Probably not. And that puts you in a tough position. Right?

Right, well, I...I better get going.

Er...your father was a really good man.

Er...wait. Er...wait.

Here's the, um...info for the service.

It's Friday.

No obligation to come, obviously.

Thanks.

Thanks.

-Hi. Is Cozzo here?

-Welcome to Chicken Bun.

Would you like to try

our new chicken parmigiana strips and chips bun box combo?

Where is Cozzo?

Out back.

-What the hell do you want?

-I bet that pierced lip of yours

would feel good against the delicate skin of my stinky pickle.

I hope you die of emphysema.

I like you.

You think she'd actually call the police?

I don't know. She seemed pretty upset about the boots.

-What do you think I should do?

-Oh, if this were a movie, I'd say you should kill her.

-I'm not killing her.

-Yeah. You're right. That would be too obvious.

Maybe she should murder you. Nobody would see that coming.

Your wife's in the Met. Ask her if the police can trace down people who sell things on eBay.

Because if they can, we're screwed, and we're gonna have to try to buy back the boots

-and place 'em somewhere where Julia can find them.

-All right? Did you tell Coz I got our next victim?

They're clients, not victims.

Whatever. We're still gonna...

BOTH SNIGGER

Anyway, nice old guy. Lonely, depressed.

He's got some sort of metastasising liver tumour.

Oh, wow, that's wonderful!

Do you believe in love at first sight?

-What?

-Like, when you first met Debbie, did you know right away that she was the one?

I knew she was the one I wanted to yank my crank.

Why? Is this about Paddy's daughter?

I don't know.

Well, it better not be about the girl running this place. Cos that skank is mine.

The Goth bird? Are you mad?

What? Ever had one? They bang you like they hate you. It's great.

I bet. All Debbie does is make love to me like she cares.

-Oh, sorry.

-Yeah.

CUTLERY CLINKS

Mm. Great lasagne, Debs.

You do something different this time?

-I got it at the supermarket.

-Mm. Much better, yeah.

So, I got a question for you.

Let's say somebody sold something on eBay.

Right? Could the police trace it back to the person who sold it?

-Why do you ask?

-Oh. I don't know.

Just curious, that's all.

Yeah, people aren't curious about being caught at something

unless there's a reason.

So, what is it?

Well, er...you know, actually, if you must know,

I've been, well, thinking of writing a movie.

It's a mystery.

A mystery, huh?

Yeah. It's about this guy who kills a woman. Or does she kill him first?

I don't know. That's the mystery.

-I don't believe you.

-What do you mean, you don't believe me? Why would I lie to you?

Oh, I don't know, Cozzo.

Maybe it's because you sold my earrings on eBay,

and you're afraid that I'll find out?

What earrings? I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, give it up, Cozzo. I found the money.

-What money?

-In your underwear drawer!

-Oh, Jesus.

-Why would you do that?

Why would you sell my granny's earrings?

-Something that's important to me.

-Debbie.

-Why?

-I...I just panicked, OK?

You made me so nervous about not being able to...

give you and the baby all that you needed.

I...I sold the earrings!

-I didn't know what else to do.

-Oh, Cozzo.

I just felt so worthless!

No.

Cozzo. It's me.

It's my fault. I've...I've been putting too much pressure on you.

No.

All I've been talking about is money, and it's not important.

Hm?

What's important is that we have each other, right?

-Are you sure?

-Of course I'm sure.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

SNIFFS It's OK.

I forgive you.

-CRIES

-Oh...!

-Hello again.

-Come back when we're open.

Or lick a light socket. That would be better.

Stop acting like you don't want me as bad as I want you.

I do want you...to go fuck yourself.

Ah, why would I do that, when you're here?

Get the hell out of my face before I shove this mop up your arse.

-Head first.

-See?

That's the problem with women like you.

You always think everyone's out to get you,

so you shut down before someone can find their way into your heart.

Well...I'm not that kind of guy, miss.

I'm crazy about you.

And if you can't open yourself up to that kinda shit,

you don't deserve what I've got to offer.

-Are you sure this is the right address?

-I assume so. It's where I sent the boots.

I'm so nervous. I'm sweating like a paedophile at a Wiggles concert.

Just be incredibly nice and complimentary,

and I promise you, everything'll be fine.

DOORBELL RINGS

Yes, can I help you?

Can I just say, you look fantastic.

Great jeans, flip-flops and lovely socks.

You finished? Who are you?

Hi. I'm Scott. This is Cozzo.

We're the guys that sold you the George Best football boots.

Oh, my God! Yeah, yeah! Nice to meet you! Nice to meet you!

I gotta tell you guys, Bestie is such an idol of mine.

I've already had it written in my will that I want to be buried wearing those boots.

-What do you think of that, eh?

-It's great.

-So what can I do for you fellows?

-Great beard. Scott?

Yeah. Um...look, here's the deal, and I feel terrible about this,

but the boots that we sold you...

they're, uh...they're fake.

-HE SIGHS

-What do you mean, they're fake?

As in "not real". That's what fake means.

-He knows what fake means.

-Well, he asked what it meant.

-Anyway, look, um...it just so happens

that our grandfather had dementia when he gave us the boots,

and it...it turns out they're just an old pair from his university days.

Ah, it's an awful thing, dementia is. My aunt's got it.

Last time I saw her, she thought I was her husband. Tried to kiss me on the lips.

Is she sexy?

What? That's a normal question.

Anyway, um...look, we feel terrible about giving you false merchandise

and we just wanted to let you know

that we're going to give you every last pound back, yeah.

Plus another 100 quid for being such a nice guy.

-Seriously? Another 100 quid, eh?

-Not bad, eh?

-Not bad at all.

-So what do you say?

-I'd say your mother's a transsexual prostitute.

-Excuse me?

-Think I just fell off the banana boat?

-No-one said anything about a banana boat.

If those boots were fake, you would have kept the money.

That's not true. Only a thief would do that.

Really? Cos in my opinion, a thief would try to buy the boots back,

-cos he realised they were worth way more than what he sold 'em for.

-What? No.

I bet I can get 40 grand for 'em tomorrow.

-That's crazy.

-50.

-What do you care? You're gonna be buried in the ruddy things!

-Cozzo.

Not if they're worth 60 grand, I'm not, son.

Look, mate, we're being dead straight with you.

-Yeah, and I'm being honest with you. Go fuck yourself.

-Right! Look here, arseface,

-you give us those boots...

-What are you gonna do, chunky? Eat me?

-Right, that's it!

-No, no!

Well, what are we going to do now?

I might have something.

-Oh! Oh! You like it, bitch!

-Oh! Give it to me!

-I'm giving it to you hard, you skank!

-Oh, yeah! That's it!

-Oh! You dirty little whore!

-Oh! Oh!

-Ah! Why did you do that?

-I'm not a whore.

Oh, my God. I'm so sorry.

-It's all right.

-Mm!

-Oh! Yes! Oh, yes!

DOOR SHUTS Hi, sweetheart.

How would you like to watch series three of Downton Abbey?

Spoiler alert. I, er...heard Elizabeth McGovern has a graphic lesbian scene

with a very frail Maggie Smith.

Why would you lie to me?

HE LAUGHS It was just a joke.

-Although it was based on a dream I had about the both of them last month.

-I'm talking about these.

Oh, wow! Look at that!

You found your earrings!

You said that you sold these on eBay.

Yes! Of course I said that, but only as part of the...the mystery.

What mystery?

That I'm writing! I just...

I just didn't know if it made any sense, you know.

The guy pretending to sell his wife's earrings

and then blaming her for forcing him to

because she's always going on about money.

So I just wanted to see what it would be like in the real world and...

and it worked, it did! Yay!

-So, you used me.

-No.

I mean, yes, but only for...

For your own benefit.

Exactly. Oh...

God, I love you. Come on, let's watch.

No, no, no, no, no. What about the money?

-What money?

-In your drawer! Where did it come from?

It's Joey's. All right?

He...he asked me to hold onto it so he wouldn't screw it away on...

On what?

Transsexual prostitutes.

BELL CHIMES

You came. I didn't think you were gonna make it.

Make it? Of course. I...I wouldn't miss it.

I would. I hate these things. Mingling, pretending to know people.

I think right now I'd rather be where my father is.

-Is this the boyfriend?

-Um...Aunt Charlotte, this is Scott. Scott, this is my Aunt Charlotte.

-Hi. Nice to meet you.

-Are you the boyfriend?

I don't have a boyfriend.

Oh, that's too bad. He's so...tall.

Cousin Margaret! This is the boyfriend.

I think we'd better leave them alone.

BOTH CHUCKLE

-Sorry about that.

-No, no, it's fine.

If I ever become that person, I will shoot myself.

-There are other ways.

-So...

how do you fancy taking a little orphan girl out for a walk?

Sure.

HE LAUGHS Where have you been all my life?

TOILET FLUSHES

-What the fuck happened to you?

-What do you mean?

Your face. You've taken off your face.

Yeah. When we were shagging, the make-up smeared.

I can't work with smeared make-up, so I washed it off.

I finish at six. How about after that?

I come round to yours. We have another go.

Nah. I'm done.

-What?

-It's the Goth bird I want, not you.

-It is me, just without make-up.

-Huh. Yeah, I don't think so.

-I could put it back on.

-Oh, no. I wish it was that easy.

Once the curtain's been lifted, the fantasy's over.

It's like watching behind the scenes of Lord Of The Rings.

The magic's ruined. Sorry.

Just so you know, you've got a teeny-tiny dick.

I know, I hate it. Can't do anything about it, can I?

Oh!

Funerals are such a waste of flowers.

It's like, "Someone beautiful died,

"so let's kill all of these other beautiful things to celebrate."

-I never thought of it that way.

-Well, I'm a very deep thinker.

-Oh, right, I can see that.

-HE CHUCKLES

So, did...did you ever find those shoes you were looking for?

The football boots? No.

Look, I know you don't think it's a very good idea, but I'm going to file a police report tomorrow.

Oh.

What's the matter?

Sorry. I'm...I'm just worried about you.

Aw, that's nice,

but don't be.

-I'm actually doing pretty well, considering.

-Look, um...

you know how when a cat dies,

and people go out right away and buy another cat

so that they've got something else to focus on

and not have to feel bad about the first one passing away?

Well, you said yourself, you know,

your biggest regret was not going to China with your dad.

And...and he was gonna pay for that trip with what, you know, the boots.

Yeah.

So, if you ask me, all you're doing

is avoiding emotions about your father's death

by focusing on something else.

You know, that's why you're doing so well, because those boots are a tie to your father,

and, as long as they're out there, you...you can't let him go.

Maybe you're right. Maybe I am avoiding my feelings.

Yeah, exactly.

Well, maybe I just need something else to focus on other than boots.

Something else? Like what?

-What do you think?

-Good...good idea. Yeah.

-Hey, where's Scott?

-Inside, hooking the old man up.

Good, good. So, listen, look.

If you bump into Debbie, I had to use you as an alibi.

-What?

-It's no big deal.

It's just that she...she found all my money,

so if you see her, I said it was all the money you had left in the world

and I was keeping it for you so you wouldn't screw it away.

On what? Like gambling?

Right. Yeah. Gambling.

65 years I was married to the same girl.

Joan Elizabeth. Oh, best lady in the world.

Well, that's beautiful. Good for you.

Not once did she give me a blow job.

-Excuse me?

-No matter how much I begged her.

65 years of begging. But nothing.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry about that.

You ever had one?

A blow job? Er...yeah, yeah, yeah, once or twice.

-How was it?

-Oh, it's not bad.

-You're down-playing it, aren't you?

-Yeah.

It's the best thing in the world, isn't it?

Maybe.

Oh, damn it.

Oh, well, too late now.

I'm gonna die without ever having had a blow job.

Well, I suppose everyone's got at least one regret.

Right? Ha.

Yeah.

Mm.

That's a really nice thing you did for your father.

Ah, well, you know, the...the man's given me a lot, so...

Chivalry. Call me.

Can I call you?

Absolutely not.

OK, Arthur, if you just get into bed, then we'll, uh...

Arthur?

I want to live!

-What?

-I can't kill myself now.

-Not after discovering the meaning of life.

-Oh, shit.

BJ's aren't that great. Most women use their teeth.

That's the beauty. The women in this place don't have teeth.

-Are you sure you don't want to do this?

-Why should I go off to see God when I just saw him?

Oh!

You stupid tit!

Sorry! I didn't realise a blow job was gonna make him want to live.

Then you're getting your blow jobs in the wrong place.

That dick-smoking just cost us a bloody fortune!

Who cares? We just gave somebody the will to live.

-What could be better than that?

-You son of a bitch!

I'm going to ham-sandwich your arse!

THEY GRUNT

Joseph Robert Copeland! Off your brother right now!

Have some respect. There's old people present.

Some day, Joey, you'll realise there's more to life than money.

Sorry. Sorry.

-What's wrong with him?

-He's in love.

How are you?

What's up?

Guys...hey.

Oh, shit.

# Everybody seems to have it better than me

# So I'm getting hold of fame and I'll shine it on me

# I'll be a better man

# This is the superstar luck machine

# And all the things in the dark Yeah, baby, they won't matter

# Baby, we're the chosen ones We're living the dream

# Since I got a hold of fame and I shone it on me

# Yeah, I'm a better man

# This is the superstar luck machine. #